"How is wire fraud even a choice on the Class Dojo drop-down menu?"
August 22, 2019 3:55 PM   Subscribe

My daughter and I like to joke that she's committing various crimes at school and receiving negative classroom points for them. I need more suggestions about crimes she could commit.

My 9 year old's teacher uses Class Dojo. It's a program that allows each kid to have an account, and teachers add positive points for good behavior and subtract negative points for bad behavior. Her teacher has altered the settings so kids can't see how many points they have, just the percentage that's positive or negative. The parents can see the numbers, though, from our linked accounts.

My 9 year old has excellent behavior and is HIGHLY interested every day in how many points she's earned. I've started teasing her that she's in the negative for absurd things. Like, "You got -54 points today? And it says you stole your assistant principal's credit card and ordered pizza!" or "How did you get -327 points? And how are you committing tax evasion at school??" This has become a game for us and she finds it very amusing.

I'd like suggestions for more crimes that she could commit at school - since she's interested in legal things, actual NON-VIOLENT, NOT VERY REALISTIC FOR A 9 YEAR OLD crimes would be interesting to her. Things like wire fraud and witness tampering are great!

Also, please no debate on whether programs like Class Dojo are good or effective. Just help me keep this joke going with my daughter. Thanks!
posted by christinetheslp to Grab Bag (57 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
"You have selected regicide" is a classic Simpsons meme, but is probably too macabre for a 9-year old.

Some serious ideas: impersonating a police officer, obstruction of justice, insider trading, art theft, counterfeiting, embezzlement, "a little light treason," piracy.
posted by General Malaise at 4:00 PM on August 22 [3 favorites]

Art theft
Cutting the mattress tag off
posted by fluttering hellfire at 4:02 PM on August 22 [6 favorites]

Downloading a car
posted by fluttering hellfire at 4:03 PM on August 22 [25 favorites]

International arms trafficking (something that used to be possible in the US just by downloading legal software)
posted by Mitheral at 4:04 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]

Mortgage fraud.

"They're kind of wondering how the school and its grounds were suddenly purchased by a numbered company. Apparently someone is trying to sell it back to them for more than it's worth. "
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:07 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]

The A Crime A Day twitter feed is golden.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 4:17 PM on August 22 [15 favorites]

These might not be criminal, or even make total sense, but they made me giggle to come up with them:

* Sold your mother into piracy... is that a ship docked outside?
* Traded your classmates' shoes on the stock exchange so they all had to spend the day barefoot.
* Sold off the school yard to developers for a roller coaster park.
* Rented out the headteacher's office to [insert fictional villain beloved of child] on a 999 year lease.
* Took a side hustle as a time travelling spy and missed third period because you were undoing the Russian Revolution.
* Invited the New York Philarmonic AND the London Philharmonic to practice in the dining hall so everyone went hungry.
* Dug an underground tunnel network stretching as far as the Pacific (/Atlantic) and made dummies of the whole school out of candy and craft supplies so they could slip out one by one and spend reccess on the beach, and they refused to come back, including the headteacher, so the school is closing down.
posted by penguin pie at 4:19 PM on August 22 [8 favorites]

Hacked into an ATM (or hacked into the school computers and gave everyone straight As)
Identity theft
Email scam (“how did you convince someone to wire you $10,000?!)
Ransomware attack
Took her teacher’s car for a joyride
posted by insectosaurus at 4:20 PM on August 22 [2 favorites]

Breach of the peace
Libel and slander
Stowing away
Lese majeste
posted by burden at 4:20 PM on August 22 [8 favorites]

Released a thousand live crickets in the cafeteria
posted by janepanic at 4:23 PM on August 22 [4 favorites]

Public nuisance
Blocking a fire lane
Collecting protected plants
Killing a migratory bird
Selling food without a permit
Obstructing justice
Contributing to the delinquency of a minor
Impersonating a public official
posted by SaltySalticid at 4:25 PM on August 22 [3 favorites]

Defenestration, while violent, is a perpetual favorite at our house.
Practicing dentistry (cosmetology/patent law/etc) without a license
Money laundering
Criminal mischief
________ WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE (I know that’s not part of a crime but it makes me laugh)
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:27 PM on August 22 [4 favorites]

Horse rustlin'
posted by Ignatius J. Reilly at 4:28 PM on August 22 [9 favorites]

Racketeering, money laundering, running numbers, running an illegal gambling parlor or floating craps game, and maybe she's a bag man for someone.
posted by gideonfrog at 4:29 PM on August 22

Failure to file with the USDA a rabbit disaster escape plan.
posted by Sophont at 4:30 PM on August 22 [3 favorites]

I heard she and Lucy conspired to fix cupcake prices at the bake sale, and then she perjured herself on top of it!
posted by sallybrown at 4:36 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]

It says you led the entire school in an elaborate dance routine on the lawn to protest soggy green beans in the cafeteria??
posted by bleep at 4:45 PM on August 22

liberating zoo animals on a school trip
impersonating a postal worker
counterfeiting ha'pennies
annexing Newfoundland
suspected authorship of a seditious manifesto
unlicensed dentistry
posted by Iris Gambol at 4:51 PM on August 22 [2 favorites]

It says you scooped out the insides of all the computers and made masks to frighten the teachers with???
posted by bleep at 5:37 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]

My suggestions:
  • Excavating and pouring footings without a building permit in the sandbox
  • Insider trading of baseball cards
  • Contempt of Congress (is anyone innocent of that these days?)

posted by forthright at 5:41 PM on August 22 [4 favorites]

I feel like referring to The Noodle Incident would probably work whether or not she's been exposed to Calvin & Hobbes yet.
posted by kalimac at 5:56 PM on August 22

Mopery, intent to creep or intent to gawk optional.
posted by Etrigan at 6:28 PM on August 22

Maybe something off one of those lists of old laws that are still on the books, like your horse has to be wearing a hat if you're riding after dark or something. Here are some.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 6:28 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]

Rebroadcasted a professional football game without the express written permission of the National Football League.
posted by bondcliff at 6:57 PM on August 22 [9 favorites]

Espionage, definitely.
Stealing trade secrets and selling them on the dark web.
Operating an unlicensed casino.
Operating an unlicensed lemonade stand.
Money laundering.
Unauthorized human cloning.
Grand theft helicopter.
Turtlenapping. (It's still a crime even if you take the turtle for a walk and return it unharmed.)
Grand theft auto, driving without a license, going 80 in a school zone, and making an illegal right turn on red. Also, your teacher would like to know where her car is.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 6:57 PM on August 22

Not sure how this one works. Says here "high crimes and misdemeanours" but they didn't take any points off you.
posted by flabdablet at 7:11 PM on August 22 [4 favorites]

"Exactly how did you manage to be in school all day and still operate an unmanned aircraft in a national park?
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:17 PM on August 22 [2 favorites]

Let out all the lab rats?
posted by nkknkk at 7:23 PM on August 22

Making a frivolous argument to the IRS. Maybe something like, "-80 points for owing $30,000 in back taxes dating to 2016, and -210 points for claiming to the IRS that you didn't owe it because you are, quote-unquote, not legally a person."
posted by J.K. Seazer at 7:32 PM on August 22 [4 favorites]

-Inventing collaterlized debt obligations and bringing down the U.S. financial system
-gnostical turpitude
posted by a certain Sysoi Pafnut'evich at 8:20 PM on August 22 [2 favorites]

Invaded the moon
posted by babelfish at 8:26 PM on August 22 [2 favorites]

Drawing a mustache on the class guinea pig
Wearing clown shoes in gym class without a permit
Using a number 3 pencil
harboring fugitives in your cubby
Recklessly endangered the livelihood of a pencil by ruthlessly subjecting its head to a vicious sharpening implement (I'm not mad, just disappointed)
posted by Mchelly at 8:35 PM on August 22 [4 favorites]

Corporate espionage
Running pirate raids on the high seas
posted by Goblin Barbarian at 8:44 PM on August 22

Practiced witchcraft
Impersonated a cheese (that’s illegal in Canada)
posted by Valancy Rachel at 9:19 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]

Hijacking a parade float in order to sing an impromptu version of "Twist and Shout"
posted by brundlefly at 10:54 PM on August 22 [4 favorites]

grand theft scooter
replacing all the name plates on the school trophies with ones that just say "buttocks"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:11 AM on August 23 [1 favorite]

Habitat destruction
Insurance fraud
Making an illegal u-turn
posted by Lady Li at 12:38 AM on August 23 [1 favorite]

Not wearing a sword during a test
posted by Heloise9 at 12:49 AM on August 23 [1 favorite]

Misuse of a 3D printer (to offer custom-order voodoo dolls).
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 1:55 AM on August 23 [1 favorite]

Voter impersonation - Filling in a voter registration for Barbie, Ken, Tutti, Stacie, Krissy...

Attempting to buy Greenland with a false cheque.
posted by Lanark at 3:46 AM on August 23 [3 favorites]

In Canada, we have an explicit law against "Alarming Her Majesty"
posted by jacquilynne at 6:54 AM on August 23 [5 favorites]

Integer overflow (a.k.a. earning so many positive behavior points that it rolls over the odometer and goes negative).
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:11 AM on August 23 [3 favorites]

"Released Goats numbered 1, 2, and 4 inside the school building"
posted by stevis23 at 7:13 AM on August 23 [3 favorites]

Came in to suggest simony and found that it had already been proposed.

My other suggestion is to perhaps invent your own set of absurd sumptuary laws? "You wore a blue shirt on the 2nd Tuesday of an odd numbered month - you know the space pope doesn't allow that!"
posted by darchildre at 9:25 AM on August 23

This is stolen from a Simpsons' joke that makes me laugh to this day:

Un-holying holy water.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:09 AM on August 23 [1 favorite]

Counterfeiting cereal boxtops
posted by stevis23 at 11:57 AM on August 23

Bringing cheese to a cake event
Bringing cake to a cheese event
Inciting Reception Class to Riot
Inciting Teaching Staff to Burglary
Confusing a Parent by Inside-Outness
Stealing Miss Mellor's nostrils

Practising multiplication without a license; subtraction with too many licenses; and addition with not enough fingers.

Dancing the cha-cha-cha on top of the food counter with odd socks on.
posted by glasseyes at 12:19 PM on August 23 [1 favorite]

Art forgery
Running numbers
Running a whole darn underground casino
Wildlife smuggling using the school aquarium / terrarium
Re-selling library books / classroom equipment (maybe too plausible...)
Running a peanut-brittle empire out of the chemistry lab
Stealing a schoolbus to drive Lyft
posted by momus_window at 12:22 PM on August 23

Is trafficking in human organs too implicitly violent?
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 1:56 PM on August 23

No visible means of support / disturbing the peace
Counterfeiting, possibly with soap carving
Membership in a secret society
Failure to give a receipt
False weights and unequal measures ( I didn’t know how often that showed up in the Bible until I googled the phrase)
Wrecking or interference with navigation
Broadcasting without a license
Stolen valor/ false claims of military service and honors / false pension claims
Hunting/fishing without a license
Creating an attractive nuisance
Failing to maintain a dam that failed/ Hammurabi 53
posted by unknown knowns at 4:06 PM on August 23

Attempted herding of cats.
In the vein of Integer Overflow: Bit Flip!
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 4:38 PM on August 23

Got caught with the box of actual bites taken out of the doughnuts in the teacher's lounge.

Wanted to find a kid named Simon to come to school for epic game of Simon Says on the loud speaker and got nailed.

Turned all the toilet paper rolls in the wrong direction.

Teaching the kindergartners that chocolate milk comes from chocolate cows - and if you make them jump up and down, they become chocolate shakes!
posted by dancinglamb at 5:42 PM on August 23

Illegally downloading a chest of gold doubloons
Skydiving without proper safety equipment
Trisecting an angle with a compass and straightedge
Card counting
Scamming a Nigerian prince out of his inheritance
Stealing the Eiffel Tower
Rickrolling the school's PA system
Starting Daylight Saving Time too early
Double-booking the cafeteria
Decrypting the dress code
Scavenger hunting without a permit
Exorcizing the school spirit
posted by NMcCoy at 7:01 PM on August 23

Unauthorized levitation and other violations of the law of gravity
posted by biogeo at 6:22 PM on August 24

Committed insecticide
posted by the duck by the oboe at 12:35 AM on August 26 [1 favorite]

Is trafficking in human organs too implicitly violent?

Trafficking in Hammond organs
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:22 AM on August 26 [3 favorites]

Running afoul of the fashion police
Wearing white after Labor Day
Wearing winter white in summer
Mixing plaids with checks
posted by Mchelly at 2:26 PM on August 26 [1 favorite]

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