I’ll never be as good a mother as you, but I’m trying!
August 19, 2019 7:29 PM   Subscribe

I’m 12 weeks postpartum with a lovely baby. Everything is going well, except for breastfeeding issues, so I’m exclusively pumping. I am also transitioning back to work. This has all been very stressful, in addition to the usual overwhelming feeling of being a new parent. In addition, I feel judged by my mother on my mothering.

My mother is a SAHM who, despite being well educated, decided against a career so she could dedicate herself to her children. She was extremely hands on, and says she fully enjoyed the whole experience of raising us. I think she sees my frustrations — cabin fever from not leaving the house, feeling miserable because I’m coasting on two hours of sleep every day, desire to balance my career with parenthood — as strange. I’m visiting my parents at the moment and asked her if she could help me sterilize the pump parts because doing that 7 times a day is getting to me; she not only refused but brushed my stress aside as “everyone has postpartum problems and sleepless nights” and told me not to get depressed.

I will never be able to be as dedicated and full-time as her when it comes to parenting. I’m enjoying parts of caring for my baby but parts of it suck, especially the pumping and sleeplessness, and I think she wants me to glowing with happiness all day, because what could be better than becoming a mother?

I know this period will pass — I’ll go back to work full time and I won’t have to pump or stay up all night forever — but there will be new stresses as my baby grows up, and I think I’ll always be judged by her for not handling it well.

How should I engage with her? Should I try to put on a brave front?

(Side note: please don’t discourage me from pumping to reduce my stress; I know that fed is beat and in fact the baby does get a bit of formula, but giving breastmilk is important to me.)
posted by redlines to Human Relations (49 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
Pumping sucks, I pumped for a year and a half and was miserable about it towards the end. Just wanted to let you know it's totally normal to feel everything you're feeling. There's a chance she forgot all the bad parts about postpartum/early baby raising and only remembers the good by this point.

I know this is not what you asked, but do you need to sterilize after pumping every time? I stored my pump parts in a zip lock bag in the fridge for 2-3 days (since breastmilk lasts 5-7 days in the fridge so the pumped milk still had 2-3 days until it had to be used). Sorry this doesn't help if your baby needs sterilized parts every time.

Also, I decreased my pumping from 5 times to 4 per day, and then from 4 to 3, and my supply didn't decrease. If you are not dangerously low on supply, maybe it's worth trying to decrease to 6x/day for a week? Again, sorry if this doesn't work for you.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 7:43 PM on August 19, 2019 [19 favorites]


The one piece of advice that I give to friends that have kids, before informing them that I'll be shutting up until they explicitly mention X or Y thing to me or come to us with questions, is

"The longer it has been since someone has an infant, the less you should trust that person's advice or memories or 'facts' on child behavior. Note, this includes us Eld family parents as well."

Because, well, memory fades and the dark, long nights become hazy and you remember the good parts. I swear there's something evolutionary there. That leads to all those people (30 years removed from their kid's high school graduation) who say "Ohhhhh, treasure these days, you'll like them the best and they go so fast!".

No, no old lady in the checkout line, they do not go fast when you are running on 4 hours of sleep because colic, wife with mastitis [again], and kid with an ass rash.

Don't get me wrong, I miss a snuggly baby as much as the next person, our youngest is just getting out of the phase where she can be carried indefinitely if she has a bad dream or one of her monthly peepee accidents and needs a few/10 minuets to knock her back out before going back to bed. I get it. But the days before these, when my kids have personality and a voice and control over their bowels and limbs, these are the good days, fuck all those diapers and sleep training and bodily fluids.

So, yes, it's bad. I'm sorry your mother doesn't, or chooses not to, remember her troubles and show some empathy but, again I'm sorry, I don't think you'll get far with engaging with her. People get set in their ways and I've yet to see one set of current day parents in our friend/family circles, ourselves included, make much headway against the default nature of a given set of newly minted grandparents.

Now, you also don't have to put on a brave front. You are well within your rights to tell her to fuck right off with the belittling of your problems because that's 100% not cool. You will also have to deal with the potential fallout that only you can estimate. I happen to think that you might benefit from that down the line but it also might be setting the bridge well and truly ablaze.

I'm sorry this isn't easier. Good luck.
posted by RolandOfEld at 7:44 PM on August 19, 2019 [44 favorites]


She refused to help you? What? Why? That doesn't sound like a particularly hands-on - mothering thing to do. Your reaching out for help is handling it well; her refusal reflects poorly on her, not you.

Is your mother usually helpful/supportive when you're down? If so, how do you feel a "Hey, I don't feel like you're listening to me" conversation would go? If not, do you have other people in your life who are more helpful/supportive when you're down on whom you could lean right now, and just kind of gloss things over with your mother until things settle down?

It may also be possible that she's romanticized the "glowing with happiness" part of motherhood and that having a newborn in her house is reminding her of all the difficulties/stresses that she had erased from memory, and so she's feeling some cognitive dissonance and is being judgmental as a way of hiding that. Would it be worthwhile to try to engage her about the parts of childrearing that she found stressful? Or something like that? I don't know that getting stuck in a good-mother/bad-mother power dynamic with her is going to be helpful (even if you're just doing it in your own head!), so something to subvert that narrative might be helpful, if you think she'd respond nonjudgmentally.
posted by lazuli at 7:46 PM on August 19, 2019 [28 favorites]


Also seconding everything neverwasandneverwillbe said about sterilizing the pump. We didn't. You may actually have to. Maybe we were lucky.

MsDrEld had a huge pain in the ass time with decreasing supply since she had a prodigious flow and mastitis was an issue 4 or 5 times which, well, complicates things...
posted by RolandOfEld at 7:47 PM on August 19, 2019 [1 favorite]


Totally sending compassion and shared experience of those super-tough infant days. It is hard to reply to your question without addressing the assumption in your heading about how you will never be as good a mother as your own mother. As a therapist, daughter, and parent, I believe that one of the best things a supportive person in one’s life can do is make room for your real, complicated, and messy feelings about things. Your mom is not doing that, but you are doing that for yourself, in a very real and positive sense. (Go you!) You are not pretending that you feel a way that you don’t feel. You are not ignoring your fears. You also are allowing yourself to have worries and stress while also knowing in a wise part of yourself that these hard days will pass. Doing that for yourself is a good indicator that you can do that for your own child when your own child has messy, complicated, real feelings. So…great parenting is already happening from you.

Anyway, to answer your initial question, it’s hard to say without knowing the parent/person in question. I bet there will be other posters who can provide a brief, effective script on ways to address this with her. And that may be well worth a try. On the other hand, some put-on-a-happy-face type people are so heavily invested in that philosophy that they simply cannot come around to another point of view, and if that is the case with your parent, such a conversation may not be helpful and may further your feeling of being judged. One idea is to get support for now from friends or other parent-support groups (online or if possible in-person) who aren’t afraid to tell it like it is, and shelve the conversation with your mother for now. You can always address it later (in 6 months, a year, five years) if you continue to feel compared to her in a way that is defeating.
posted by dreamphone at 8:00 PM on August 19, 2019 [9 favorites]


Pumping sucks. Literally. It sounds like your mom does too.

Buy yourself some extra pump parts. I had to sterilize and loved being able to do all the parts once a day.

Get a Spectra S9 so you can roam around hands free while you pump. Maybe charge it to your mom.

I find a lot of motherhood performative and feel like I suck at it. Hang in there. If you've EPed this long I know enough about you to know you're a good mom.
posted by notjustthefish at 8:00 PM on August 19, 2019 [10 favorites]


I kind of want to punch your mother in the throat. How dare she be ungenerous to a new mom, her own daughter, who's having trouble and is coming to her for help? New parents deserve sympathy and kindness. Postpartum is hard, hard, horrendously hard. Some people suffer terribly. Some marriages don't survive, it's so hard. I don't believe your mother had such a rosy experience in her postpartum periods as she's pretending, but if she did, she's in a tiny minority. And, if she can't even muster the generosity to help you with the small amount of work that CAN be outsourced, she's basically horrible and has no business judging anyone for anything, anyway.

I have no idea whether your pumping/sterilizing regimen is correct or necessary, so no comment there. I will say pumping sucks. Sterilizing equipment 7 times a day?! God.

My advice would be, not to put up a brave front, but rather to bring her hastily to heel, with the understanding that if she acts judgy or unhelpful to you, you will limit grandbaby access. That should fix her attitude right up.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:02 PM on August 19, 2019 [32 favorites]


Yes, they completely forget what it was like. My mother was stunned that my 2 week old baby didn’t sleep on a schedule.

If she is not able to be supportive, then don’t put on a brave front but do reduce the amount of venting you do to her. She’s not going to understand.

Finally, take some time to think about the mother you want to be, and feel really solid about it. You’re going to get judged up the wazoo by everyone not just your mom and a firm armor will do you well.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:03 PM on August 19, 2019 [11 favorites]


We refer to this as “gramnesia.” Grandparents’ magical ability to forget just how freaking hard it was to have kids and how they struggled themselves.

You are right in the thick of some of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. Pumping is hard and exclusively pumping is heroic. You are doing a beautiful job at a very hard thing and anyone who doesn’t recognize that and jump right on to help needs to shut it and get out of the way.

Sending you lots of love and support. You are exactly the wonderful parent that baby needs.
posted by goggie at 8:13 PM on August 19, 2019 [48 favorites]


Hi from the other side! This age was one of the hardest times for me. My baby is 15 months and a year ago I was in your shoes, pumping and all. I was crying many times a day, just totally in survival mode with every aspect of my life other than baby. Hormones may still be pretty wild, especially if breastfeeding (pumping included!) baby’s not old enough to sleep train yet, the amazing new-ness has worn off and it’s settling in that this is your life now, plus the crazy huge stress of going back to work. AND you’re being shamed by your own mom for not acting happy enough? Holy shit that is a lot to handle. You are in the middle of the hardest part! It doesn’t last forever but it is super intense while you’re in the middle of it!

Sorry your mom’s being weird. I don’t know the best way to deal with her but I wish I knew you IRL so I could come over and sterilize the pump parts for you while you take a nap.
posted by beandip at 8:29 PM on August 19, 2019 [7 favorites]


You are an amazing mom, everything you're feeling right now is 100% normal, and your own mom sucks. I'm vibrating with rage on your behalf at the way she brushed off your request for help.

And unless your baby is immunosuppressed or something like that, you totally don't need to be sterilizing the pump parts that often. Hell, I kept mine in a ziploc bag in the fridge between pumping sessions and just washed everything once at the end of the day, and my babies were just fine.
posted by octothorp at 8:35 PM on August 19, 2019 [1 favorite]


A year ago, I was totally you! My kid was early and breastfeeding was a total bust so I pumped. But, of course, my body didn't respond well to the breast pump. There were so. many. tears. And I had to head back to school less than a month after my baby was born.

The big difference for me was my mom, and my dad, were totally supportive and let me be myself. Dude, motherhood is is awesome and fucking awful at the same. It's messy and ugly and beautiful. Your mom can piss off if she can't be helpful!

I'm sure you are doing a great job. Your baby is healthy and totally STILL ALIVE! And this is your baby and your show. You are killin' it every day.
posted by Foam Pants at 8:42 PM on August 19, 2019 [1 favorite]


Instead of a brave front, what if you told your mom some of what you said here? That you love your child and the fact that you're a mother, but that you feel insecure or inadequate about your mothering in part because of what a hands-on, awesome mom she was, that you have a different experience and a different vision for your life as a mother, that you want to feel close to her and for your baby to grow up close to her, and for that closeness to happen you need to be able to share your fear and your joy and have her love and support in both moments. Or whatever your true version is.

It seems lonely to have to put on a brave front with your own mom, and your relationship will always have a certain distance if you're only "allowed" to share the joyful Instagram version of your life as a mom with her. If you think there's even a small chance of success at setting up a different style of interaction, the potential reward is worth trying this kind of conversation. You'd have to determine it for yourself, but based on the little information I have here, I think the main risk would be that it would fall on deaf ears, she would dismiss you as "not handling it well" and you'd be in approximately the same position (though you may be a little more hurt and a little more certain she's not someone you can share yourself with safely).

Good luck! I'm rooting for you. If your mom turns out not to be the person you can lean on in highs and lows, I hope you can find others somewhere else.
posted by kochenta at 8:43 PM on August 19, 2019 [4 favorites]


Grammesia!! Goggie, that is fantastic. Maybe she is in the tiny minority of Moms who genuinely love every second of the pain, sleeplessness and frustration and loneliness and getting-nothing-in-return. That would make her the odd one, not you. I found the newborn stage very hard to handle. Even if you want to enjoy the few brief moments of cuteness, you can’t because you are tired and hungry and in a daze , and maybe feel obligated to share baby with someone else for the few minutes that he or she is awake. Things will improve when you go back to work ... I mean, you will still be exhausted, but at least you will be able to measure your worth in something more than mL pumped. In terms of dealing with her and others (I found many other moms to be self-righteous): don’t offer any info, especially any negative info. That leaves nothing for her to criticize. Don’t ask for any ideas or advice. Keep it light and breezy with her, and then text your frustrations to a buddy, or to us!! Best of luck
posted by leslievictoria at 8:45 PM on August 19, 2019 [3 favorites]


Hey, I don't have a lot of advice, but I do want to suggest a change in the way you're framing the issue - I notice you describe your mother's parenting style as more "dedicated" than yours twice, as if being a stay-at-home mom is inherently being more dedicated to parenthood than being a mom who works. I don't think that's true at all! My mother was an extremely dedicated and engaged parent who worked full-time throughout my childhood, and I really strongly think that was entirely good for me. If she'd decided to give up her career and stay home with me that would not have made her a better or more dedicated mother; in fact, I think it would have been worse for me in lots of ways. Thinking of your mom as a more dedicated parent than you are sets up a competition between your parenting styles that I think is unnecessary.

As for the rest...I don't know your mother. But in my experience, when I've known someone who is a stay-at-home parent and insists aggressively and at length that they are super happy about it all the time, that they never had any trouble or stress or considered regretting parenthood, and that anyone else who does find parenthood stressful is just whiny or insufficiently dedicated...it usually eventually turns out to mean that they're actually deeply unhappy and repressing it as hard as they can. That might not be your mom, but it's possible she's working though some of her own issue with her life choices and taking it out on you. Which wouldn't justify her actions at all, but it's something to tell yourself when she's getting to you - it's about her, not you.
posted by waffleriot at 8:50 PM on August 19, 2019 [22 favorites]


I’m NOT AT ALL SURPRISED.

I have a hunch that she’s a lot like my parents in that they feel entitled to all the good quality time with their new grandchild and want to do none of the work. My parents would completely disrupt our day (literally) just to HOLD MY BABY. They wouldn’t even do tummy time or change her or LET ME FEED HER. Yes, FEED MY CHILD. “She doesn’t need X right now, can’t you see?” OH REALLY. My MIL isn’t much better but consistently likes to push things. She wants to hang out with baby and then put her to bed, so I say “bedtime is in X minutes, do you want me to remind you / set a timer?” No, of course not. I don’t need that. But then she’s 10 minutes behind and baby gets over tired. Grr. I have so many more stories but the point is made. Grandparents can be pretty fucking useless, and smug while they’re at it.

Also: Listen, I’m not at all convinced that your mom is a better mom than you. Every mom makes the best choices for themselves. If working makes you feel fulfilled and happy, you should work. NOT working would make you a worse mom because you’d be unhappy. Pumping 7 times a day is hell. But it’s important to you so you’re doing it.. Momming isn’t rocket science or only for perfect people. You make the choices that work for you as much as your circumstances permit, and that’s that.

What helps me deal with all of this bullshit, parents and advice and all, is BOUNDARIES. Lay out what you need. No questions, no compromising, no nothing. “The things that are most helpful right now are helping me sterilize my pump parts, doing tummy time with baby, and changing diapers. I don’t need advice right now. If this is not possible, we’ll have to X,” where X is anywhere from cutting the visit short, or just taking some time without her outside or in your room.

FOR EXAMPLE, my dad only met my 5 month old A WEEK AGO because he refused to get a flu shot and then he just never came to any major family events since flu season ended. And of course, it was my mom’s birthday and instead of meeting in the middle (say at my sister’s house, who is 30-40 minutes from everyone), she requested we all go to my aunt’s house, who lives AN HOUR AND A HALF AWAY. FFS. So we drove three hours to spend two hours with my family. When it was time to leave, I said it was time and no she can’t sleep in the random bunk bed (ffs) and we really have to go. No, there’s nothing wrong with her, I just want to make sure she sleeps and she’ll sleep in the car. (Grrr.)
posted by ancient star at 9:12 PM on August 19, 2019 [14 favorites]


Every kid is different. Every mother is different. Every household is different. Every week or month is a different stage. Your mom's experience just can't be compared. Pretty much all unsolicited advice and opinions are completely irrelevant. There's no way she knows what you're experiencing.
posted by slidell at 9:16 PM on August 19, 2019 [2 favorites]


Is your grandmother still alive? Because I bet your mom's mom has some THINGS TO SAY about your mom's early efforts as a mother. My grandmother's favorite story about my mom as a new mother was that my mom sent my dad to the grocery store when I was a week old (I was her first), which may have been the first time my dad ever went to a grocery store by himself, and on the list she gave him was carrots, and he bought CARROTS WITH THE TOPS ON and my mom wanted CARROTS WITHOUT THE TOPS and he brought the groceries home and she unloaded the carrots with the tops on and BURST INTO INCONSOLABLE SOBS because the carrots were wrong. And my dad was convinced they were going to get divorced over carrots and my mom was just sobbing and sobbing and my grandma was like "IT'S HORMONES, KIDS! SO MANY HORMONES!"

I'm sure your mom was a GREAT mother, but she's forgotten her carrots-without-tops breakdowns, and she's kind-of whiffing her first efforts at being a grandmother because she's blocked out those bits.

I would tell her, "Mom, I am full of joy at being a mother, but deep joyfulness is different from being happy moment-to-moment, and sometimes moment-to-moment I am overwhelmed and scared and exhausted. And you've been a wonderful mother all my life, but what I need now from you now, as my mom, is your help and support, while I try to learn to do this."

You might also consider telling her that her attitudes towards postpartum stress/depression are old-fashioned (if you think that they are, and she's trying to ward off PPD by refusing to talk about it, and isn't aware that getting treatment is super-normal now), and/or you might tell her (possibly even lying a little bit) that your doctor says you HAVE TO do X, or that your doctor has diagnosed you with Y or whatever, if the appeal to a medical authority might sway her.

Finally, is she just kind-of done with parenting? Some great moms get to be grandmas and feel like their time in the childrearing mines is DONE and they henceforth only have to deal with the fun parts, and then a super-responsive mom who has always been 100% there is like, "Yep, nope, not changing diapers, not babysitting, not washing pump parts. Give me your infant so I can feed her whipped cream directly from the spray can, what do you mean two month olds can't eat whipped cream from a spray can? She totally can, watch!"

(I salute you for pumping, pumping fucking suuuuuuuuuuuucks and you're doing something really hard! I pumped like twice and was like "fuck this shit, formula is magic." It's hard! It sucks! You're doing it! You're running the marathon of infant food provisioning! But you don't get to post a cool FB picture of you crossing the finish line after 26 miles, so instead, I salute you.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:41 PM on August 19, 2019 [33 favorites]


I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. I just want to say that feeling happy and fulfilled staying at home with 24/7 kid responsibility is NOT correlated with being a good mother. I hated, HATED being home nonstop with my daughter and was desperate to go back to work. I started taking my son to meetings at 4 weeks old. I hated pumping. But also, mom memes aside, I’m a damn good mother who has so far kept the children alive (this is something I don’t say lightly in my son’s case) and they’re growing up to be nice little humans who babysitters and teachers compliment us on so clearly, while I make mistakes, I’m not a completely bad parent. And I love my kids! I love being a parent! I just don’t love the nonstop grind of staying home with them, and the newborn period is particularly rough.

And you are not a bad parent either. Loving newborn parenthood is not genetic. The fact that your mom loved it doesn’t mean you will or should or have to. Her decision about her career doesn’t have anything to do with yours. You’re allowed to set your terms for how she engages with you as a mother and with her

And yeah, as one tiny way to make things easier on yourself, verify whether you really need to sterilize 7x a day!
posted by olinerd at 9:59 PM on August 19, 2019 [3 favorites]


Honestly I’d say the best way to handle this is by leaving early and going home. I’m sorry your mother was the only perfect mother who ever existed, who truly found her calling and loved every moment of parenting, for whom diapers smelled like roses and who looked even better when she hadn’t slept. I’m sure she always said the right thing and never raised her voice in anger or thought anything terrible about her teenagers.

Except if mothering is so great and easy, why is she being so rotten to her daughter right now? Maybe you could remind her that’s she’s still parenting and she’s showing her cards. Parenthood is hard.

You sound generous (truly remarkable that her comments didn’t have you breaking down in tears). She sounds incredibly unsupportive. I’m so sorry.

She’s going to judge you, yes. But you don’t need her approval. Not really. You do what’s best for you and your baby and your family. That’s your priority now. Please try hard not to be so harsh with yourself. And hang in there.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:20 PM on August 19, 2019 [23 favorites]


If it's any consolation, at the height of dealing with my colicky eldest, my mum had the temerity to claim that as a baby I was sleeping through the night, from three weeks old (LIESSSSSSSS).

As a parent, someone will always feel like you're not measuring up, and the sooner you stop giving a damn, the better I think. Don't put on a brave face, just say, "well I'm doing the best I can, and I would really appreciate some help as I'm finding it hard, and feeling judged." and if you don't get it then you have to protect yourself and if grandma doesn't see the baby as much, so be it.

I mean you can butter it up," oh you were such a great mother what would you do? Blah blah blah". But honestly when you have a newborn who can deal with all that emotional labour?

You're doing a great job and screw anyone who says otherwise in the ear. Your mum is in no position to judge, every baby is different.
posted by smoke at 11:18 PM on August 19, 2019 [2 favorites]


Sorry if it's been said above but what kind of dedicated mom refuses to help her own daughter when she's struggling? It just sounds so weird to me that someone who (it seems) based her own identity on dedicating her life to her children abandons their child at the time of need.

Honestly, I'd consider leaving and seeking out support from other people.
posted by M. at 12:01 AM on August 20, 2019 [3 favorites]


She's being neither a dedicated mother nor a dedicated grandmother right now, right?

There's the rose-tinted hindsight discussed above, and there's the possible subconscious spreading of misery: maybe it actually wasn't easy for her either, and if she "had to" suffer through it then, by God, so must you. Did her family not help her at all? Or is her self-image so centered around her performance as SuperMom that she's edited that out?

Anyway, hopefully you'll be able to get more help and support out of her, but regardless you shouldn't compare yourself to her or worry about her judgement, since there's good reason to find that judgement suspect.

(If you want to bring this up with her but fear the stress, maybe you can ask your partner or a good friend to take care of things and have the necessary talk with her. This is a time when you can really ask other people to go to bat for you.)
posted by trig at 1:35 AM on August 20, 2019 [5 favorites]


I've come to realise that washing and sterilising pump parts and bottles is one of the greatest acts of love you can give to a lactating person.

You're doing an amazing job providing for your kid, both by working and pumping. You know your relationship with your mum - would a really honest conversation about your needs and her behaviour be productive, or would it be easier to just tune her out? Do you have any siblings or friends with kids? I've become really really close to my sister since having a baby, because the experience is very fresh and real for her and we bonded over both the great and not-so-great parts.

I'm so sorry your mum isn't being supportive and is making unhelpful comments, it's really the last thing you need now.
posted by nerdfish at 2:40 AM on August 20, 2019


You're visiting your parents when you have a 12-week-old; in my book, that makes you a friggin' superhero.

Hey, listen, everybody is telling you that the early months with a baby are super hard, that you're a good mom, that pumping sucks, that grandparents have forgotten - this is all one hundred percent true! Hell, I have a 9-month-old and I've forgotten what it was like at 12 weeks.

But you asked how you should engage with your mom, so I'll focus on answering that. I don't think you should engage with her. I think you should leave and not go back to visit till she apologizes or starts being more supportive. Set some boundaries now or you're right, she will always be telling you how she did it better.

Don't worry about being nice to her or protecting her feelings. This is one of the time periods in your life you can be as rude as you want - you just had a baby for fuck's sake, and everybody around you should be doing whatever it is they can to make your life easier or GTFO.

Also, message sestaaak if you want to join the unofficial MeFi parenting group; it is the best.
posted by spicytunaroll at 4:51 AM on August 20, 2019 [8 favorites]


You are doing such a great job. You're coping with all the challenges that a tiny baby brings and you're trying to do the right thing in reaching out to people for help and support.

I'm sorry that your mother is letting you down. She has created this narrative that she was an amazing parent because she stayed at home. That's all irrelevant now because you're grown up and she is undermining her claim to years of good work by being actively unsupportive when it matters.

As for how you respond, I think it depends on your relationship with her. If this is kind of typical (for example, you could have predicted it, or it's not surprising to your partner) then I think you just get through the visit as best you can and try to get to 'distant but polite' and get support from other quarters - friends, other new mothers,... If this is wildly out of character and she might tolerate a 'come to Jesus' moment, then you could try telling her that she is not helping, and that frankly you are not interested in how amazing she was 20-30 years ago, but how amazing a grandparent she is or is not going to be. And that starts with supporting her grandchild's parents. Or, honestly, whatever approach you can manage where the outcome is that you don't feel undermined by her.
posted by plonkee at 5:07 AM on August 20, 2019


Here's the thing: the standards to which your mother would have been held some 30 years ago for being a "great" mom, let alone an "adequate" mom will have been SO MUCH LOWER than they are now. I guarantee you are expending so much more energy -- physical and mental -- on being a mom to your baby than your mom ever did. And that's not a knock against your mom -- she may very well have been a wonderful mother (though her present-day shenanigans suggest otherwise). But the fact is that motherhood is 2019 is a very different beast. If this was ONLY about the exhaustion from dealing with a mewling infant that's one thing, but now you have to deal with the swirling feelings of joy and guilt and anxiety and exasperation that seem to just be part of the "motherhood package" these days. It sucks. Your mom kinda sucks. But the great thing is that you are forging a relationship with your little baby in your own way and that love has a rather impressive ability to blot out everything else that's troubling.

Hang in there....month three was the worst for me, but I can say with great confidence that every day gets better and better. Even the hard days. Good luck!
posted by Mrs. Rattery at 5:23 AM on August 20, 2019 [4 favorites]


the standards to which your mother would have been held some 30 years ago for being a "great" mom, let alone an "adequate" mom will have been SO MUCH LOWER than they are now.

It's this.

Like, I actually was kind of a Cinderella mom or whatever in my own mind, who fondly remembers my time of being a mother at all ages like forest creatures would come out singing. (new mom nearly 20 years ago) BUT: I had so, so many things I can do that you really can't do now, because they are sub optimal for the kid or the environment or whatever. Like a swing! I had a swing! I used it nearly constantly, just plop the baby down in the swing next to you while you did chores in the house, and keep up a constant stream of baby babble, and that made you a good mom! And I never sterilized my pump, I just rinsed it off and then eventually put it through the dishwasher and never thought about it. Or like, I gave the kid all kinds of stuffed animals and fluffy blankets in the early years which now they tell you increase the risk of SIDS and you're not supposed to do. I nursed but never woke up for a midnight feeding and didn't even know I was supposed to. I had no idea and wasn't even encouraged to think of having an idea! Basically being a good mom meant spending time with your baby and being interested in their stuff. It is such, such an easier bar. These things are not even comparable.
posted by corb at 5:42 AM on August 20, 2019 [8 favorites]


Your question is how to engage with your mother. There is the concept in mom circles of "unsupportive support". I'm sure your mom thinks she's supporting you with her tough love approach, but you have articulated that this is not the support you need right now. So I'm not sure you need to fully engage with her right now. Your focus right now is your baby and that is where your engagement needs to lie. If your support system is unsupportive, you need a different support system. Were I you (and I have been), I'd cut the visit short and try again in a few weeks or months.

If you are EP'ing several times a day you are every bit as dedicated a parent as your mom ever was. It's not like you're ignoring the baby and feeding him/her cheetos and mountain dew.

Just an aside: I pumped over a year with each of my kids and I only sterilized my gear once a day at the end of day (actually hubby did it for me). All other times I gave my gear a good rinse with hot water. My doctor once counseled that my breasts weren't sterile either so I didn't need to stress myself with the sterilization process. Removing that task helped me relax considerably. Get a second set of gear can help too.
posted by vignettist at 5:42 AM on August 20, 2019 [1 favorite]


How should you engage with her?
I give you FULL permission to roll your eyes so hard they may never come back from behind your head. I also give you permission to snap back at her and say, "So if you don't want to sterilize the pump parts, what are you planning on doing to help out because I'm living on 1.5 hour chunks of sleep and sheer adrenaline?"

But here's my general advice to new parents and about to become new parents: all pregnancies are different. all babies are different. everyone is going to give you advice on your pregnancy and baby and their advice was probably good for some pregnancy or some baby but that doesn't mean that it works for your kid. If you keep reciting this in your head it will keep you from smacking people as much.

Also, I'm sure someone has memailed you to invite you to join a metafilter parent group on social media. Join it. We are generally good people. You can vent.
posted by sciencegeek at 5:53 AM on August 20, 2019 [10 favorites]


Yes, just leave if you can. It's somewhat easier when you're alone if no one is helping you anyway.

But also (and not to defend your mother because that's nuts) I think that generation has a completely different memory of newborn care because most of them didn't breastfeed (or if they did, they definitely felt no pressure to breastfeed exclusively for six months). That look they give you, like, "why is this so hard for you?" is in part because they didn't feel that pressure to be a helpless infant's sole source of food and water around the clock.

So there's both gramnesia and the fact that they probably had a somewhat easier experience and could, say, get a babysitter or hand baby over to dad without mentally calculating how much to pump, and how to sterilize the parts and so forth.
posted by luckdragon at 6:17 AM on August 20, 2019


Parents forget how hard it was to have a kid. They have to or the human species would have died out long ago when no one had a second kid. It sucks she won't help, there is probably a lot more tied up in her refusal that has nothing to do with you & more to do with her, don't be so sure she was thrilled with the choices she made or that were made for her.

Also you don't have to sterilze the pump after every use, unless you have been told to by a medical professional for some reason, washing it well is fine in most cases. I'll let you in on a tip, without commercial equipment or boiling everything for 10 minutes it's almost impossible to sterilize things at home anyway the best you is doing is sanitizing them. Warm water & mild unscented dish soap and a good scrub do that, specially now you're past the 3 month mark.

If pumping is important enough to you that you're willing to put up with the stress you need to find short cuts in other areas. You cannot do everything, you need to prioritize what is important to you & then let everything else slide or lower your standards. Step one stop wasting energy trying to appease someone who is awash in Grandparent glow & can't see the wood for the trees, good news in a couple of decades you get to do the same thing, but firstly you have to get through now. Get a housecleaner in, buy ready cooked meals, hire a neighbours kid to watch the baby while you sleep. Pick your priorities, wasting energy making grandma happy isn't one of them right now. Now add sleep to your priority list (for the love of God get some sleep because nothing else will seem as bad if you aren't sleep deprived) and one more thing. Now getting those 3 things done in a day counts as a win.

Secondly you are 3 months this you are a the point where the warm lovely glow fades & the shitty work begins. There is a reason babies have mastered smiling by this age it's so you still like them as the hormones fade away & exhaustion kicks in. I would also recommend you find a way to prioritize sleep, nothing is made better by lack of sleep.
posted by wwax at 6:44 AM on August 20, 2019 [1 favorite]


Don’t feel the need to put on a brave front. Just a guess, but my gut says your mom is the one who’s putting on a false front by claiming everything about being a mom for her went smoothly and perfectly and she enjoyed every second. That’s not a nice way to treat you, her daughter, and it’s not true of any human person. Her behavior to you would be harsh and not empathetic in normal times, but given your postpartum state is especially mean. Or maybe her own self-doubt and all those little worries she kept inside about whether being a SAHM was really right for her are now resurfacing because she sees you doing something different. Either way, her attitude is about her and not about you. You are doing JUST FINE! Keep going. And being vulnerable and admitting your struggle rather than pretending everything is hunky-dory and you’re Wonder Woman is a mature and healthy way to be.

I will never be able to be as dedicated and full-time as her when it comes to parenting.

Sure you will! Quality over quantity.
posted by sallybrown at 7:16 AM on August 20, 2019 [2 favorites]


For someone who's presenting herself as a perfect mother, she's sure acting like an asshole to her daughter now...
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:43 AM on August 20, 2019 [5 favorites]


very stressful, overwhelming, I feel judged by my mother on my mothering. cabin fever, feeling miserable
First, please assess yourself for depression, or call your doctor and get a phone consultation. Not sure about the link, but it's a start.

Sounds like you're at Mom's without a partner, and maybe you're on your own? That's really hard with an infant. Why did she not come to your home? Maybe she could be more giving of her time, more aware of your needs.

You're doing fine. You're getting dressed every day, brushing your teeth and washing your face, maybe even showering. The baby is being very well cared for. You're taking the time to sterilize the pump, which many of us think is not strictly necessary. Of Course you feel overwhelmed, it's overwhelming. And you're managing it. You are a dedicated and loving Mom. Go, you.

Your Mom. At some point, maybe sooner rather than later, you are going to have to deal with her being unkind and making you feel bad. I’ll never be as good a mother as you She is still mothering you, and right now she's not doing a good job. You are making your own life choices, as you should. Working(outside the home) and parenting is a good choice, and you can work away from home and be a fantastic parent. I'm probably your Mom's age, had a fulltime job and a kid and a partner, and it was very difficult. told me not to get depressed Whaaaat? It's not a choice, and she's being poorly informed and kind of mean. Tell her she's making you feel bad. Are you staying with her so she can "help?" Do you have better options? You're only getting 2 hours of sleep, and that isn't going to work when you return to the job.

How should I engage with her? Should I try to put on a brave front? Tell her you're having a difficult time, and ask her to withhold criticism. This is what you need and deserve. You need some, but probably not much technical help, like That rash is normal. Very occasional use of Tylenol is okay. etc. The rest of the time, you need someone to make food for you, do laundry, and take care of you so you can be with your baby. I am a Mom and a grandmother. I stayed with my son and his wife and their new baby, and I kept my mouth shut unless it was urgent or I was asked. That's her job. Consider showing her this ask.me.
posted by Mom at 8:02 AM on August 20, 2019 [1 favorite]


None of this has anything to do with being a good mother.

I love, love, love newborn baby time. I am unreasonably in love with newborn babies and just want to smell their fuzzy heads all day. My friend is super stressed out by newborn baby time -- the lack of sleep, the isolation, the crying, etc.

We both have four year olds right now and guess who's awesome and patient and playful and fun with her four year old? My friend. Guess who's losing her damn mind every single day because these children are wild and crazy and won't do anything I say? Yep, me.

Being a good mother has nothing to do with feeling fuzzy feelings, it's about doing what you need to do for your kids. It sounds like you're doing that right now, and it sounds like your mother might not be. And none of that is anything you need to feel badly about.

(Also, I pumped for very sick preemies, and I washed every time but only sterilized once a day. It might be worth checking with someone whether that's absolutely necessary.)

Good luck! Congratulations!
posted by gerstle at 8:43 AM on August 20, 2019 [4 favorites]


If you are in the Boston area, I will come over and wash your pump parts for you. PM me.
posted by teragram at 8:45 AM on August 20, 2019 [4 favorites]


Why did she refuse to help you??? That is so odd. Are you close to your mother normally? If you're not close I would just try to adopt serene indifference. It sounds like she has a combination of selective amnesia and being lucky enough to have easy babies.

The first 12 weeks are so hard. Hang in there, and I hope you have sources of support elsewhere. My online moms groups have been lifesavers for me.

You might know this already, but you can just store your pump parts in the fridge and wash and sterilize them once a day. I kept mine in a tupperware because it was easy to wash. Just don't put the flanges in or you'll chill your nips!
posted by apricot at 9:25 AM on August 20, 2019 [1 favorite]


I will never be able to be as dedicated and full-time as her when it comes to parenting. I’m enjoying parts of caring for my baby but parts of it suck, especially the pumping and sleeplessness

Counterargument: Anyone can do well at a thing they find super fun and easy. It takes REAL dedication and full-time effort and love to do well at a thing that is hard, and sometimes sucky.

Conclusion: You're already a better mom than your mom was, both to your new baby and to your mother, who appears to have reverted into some kind of shitty teenager in need of patience and boundaries.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:48 AM on August 20, 2019 [2 favorites]


(But you would also be within your rights to ground her and take away her screen privileges until she learns to help around the goddamn house, holy shit.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:49 AM on August 20, 2019 [3 favorites]


Just chiming in to say that when I was pumping multiple times a day, I was told by my lactation specialist that you can put the parts in the fridge in a ziplock bag and clean thoroughly once a day. Not even sterilize, just clean. Sterilize once a week. Unless there is a medical reason you're doing this, you may be really, really overexerting yourself unnecessarily. <3 Sorry about your mom, too.
posted by namesarehard at 10:08 AM on August 20, 2019 [2 favorites]


I'm not a mom and don't want to be a mom, but if I were your friend and you asked me to sterilize her pumping equipment, you bet I would. I'd want you to lay down and put your feet up and I'd want to bring you a nice meal and lots of liquids because I know nursing mothers need both of those things. Your mom isn't even being kind to you.

Do what you gotta do to take care of yourself (put your own oxygen mask on first). If that means cutting this trip short and going home so you don't have to put up with her toxic bullshit, do it. If there's anyone else in your life who can support you, call on them.

You're already a good mom--asking for help and then asking for help from other people when the first source let you down. You've got this.
posted by purple_bird at 10:26 AM on August 20, 2019 [2 favorites]


Just a note saying the adjustment from being the kind of person who can just run an errand without any thought to being someone tied down, not just by the kid but by my flippin' boobs, ugh. It really sucked. I felt like I never got a damned thing done. My tits were even more demanding that my child and I felt like I always had them hanging out and I had to be sequestered and everything that I might want to be doing at that moment had to stop. It's so hard to transition from living for you to living for you+1. It gets easier, it really does.
posted by Foam Pants at 10:37 AM on August 20, 2019


redlines, please get out of your mom's house. I read all the answers down to the one where someone looked at your previous asks and felt a tremendous jolt, I have thought so much about the question you asked about having your partner or your mom at the birth (but really it sounded like you were worried about your mom being in the room.)

It's time to cut your anxious mom out of the picture for a while.

I also had a lot of trouble being on maternity leave with my baby, so boring, and looked forward to getting out of the house and back to work. Please don't let anyone tell you that SAHM is more dedicated, please. It has a lot to do with pleasure, and where you take pleasure in your life.

You are really in the weeds right now and anyone who is not helping you with the minutiae (washing things you need washed, feeding you the food you want to eat, holding the baby while you shower and maybe walk around the block, doing all the dishes and laundry) is not helping. There is stuff anyone can do and then there is pumping, which only you can do, and until you decide you're done with it (GOD I hated it so much and was never good at it) you need support and space. Please find ways to maximize sleep.

Sending you so much care and love right now.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 11:24 AM on August 20, 2019 [2 favorites]


Your mom no longer remembers what having a newborn is like. She remembers the story of it, not the 'it' of it. Having a newborn, pumping, catastrophic exhaustion all of these things are profoundly difficult. And having a parent minimize what you are doing through sounds immensely upsetting during what is already a vulnerable time. I would talk with her about how what she is saying impacts you only if you think she will be able to hear you and amend her behavior. Otherwise, give yourself permission to NOT have a conversation with her about it and re-read this thread as needed to see all the internet strangers who are rooting for you.
posted by jeszac at 12:44 PM on August 20, 2019 [1 favorite]


Not sure when you were born, but home breast pumps werent around till the late 90s. So your mom probably didnt deal with any of that shit. Also as some others have said the bar for mothering was way lower. I was born in 1984 and while im sure my mom loved me, when i had my kid she was telling me how she got me to sleep by just letting me cry when i was a few weeks old which today might as well equate to child abuse based on what my ob and peds docs told me to do with my kid. Also, good luck getting by on one income these days, its possible but that ship sailed for most families in our generation. You sound very sweet and tolerant, but please take some pleasure in an internet stranger wishing for your mom to cap her bullshit.
posted by WeekendJen at 2:43 PM on August 20, 2019 [1 favorite]


I missed that you were the same poster who was considering telling her husband to miss the birth of his child so he could babysit your anxious mom while you deliver your child alone.

I think you're going to be re-assessing your relationship with your mom in many ways in the coming years.

Speaking as a person who grew up rather idolizing her parents: there's a kind of transition that happens to people like us, in our 30s or maybe 40s, where we come to terms with our parents' fallibility in a way that we could not previously. It happens for lots of reasons. Parents get older, their weaknesses become more obvious, while we're gaining perspective and experience... often we're parenting our own children during this phase, so we understand parenthood in a way we couldn't before.

If we're lucky, and our parents are good people who love us, we will be buoyed by compassion and affection as we come to understand that our parents are fallible -- probably increasingly so as they get older -- and that we can't really, you know, keep depending on them for guidance and authority in a lot of ways. And that indeed they may become sinks, rather than sources, of our energy.

If any of that rings true... just know it's a common life transition, and it's ok and necessary to re-draw roles and boundaries as you become the head of your own household. Your primary responsibility is to yourself and your new little family now. If her demands (or behaviors) conflict, they'll necessarily become de-prioritized.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:01 PM on August 20, 2019 [8 favorites]


you said you were visiting parents plural - if your other parent was working outside the home all or most of the time you were young, compare yourself in these early days to them instead of to your mother: let yourself feel superior instead of inadequate.

& ask them to give you the practical immediate help you need if your mother refuses. or not even if; ask them instead of giving your mother right of first refusal. this might insult her if she feels like the expert and it might please her if she feels exclusively singled out; either could be good.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:18 PM on August 20, 2019 [1 favorite]


It wouldn’t surprise me if there wasn’t a touch of ‘I had to suffer through and it and no one helped me, so I’m not going to help you!’ According to my mother, she never put a foot wrong with any of her kids and her parenting was perfect. I have an excellent memory and I can assure you that’s not true, though she’d deny it. Everyone looks at their early days with kids through rose coloured glasses and if it was hard, they’re not copping to it because that makes them feel less than.

If your mother isn’t giving you practical help that you need, I give you permission to leave, otherwise you’re attempting to manage your frustration with her on top of everything else. I’m sorry, I know how hard this is. I hope you find a good mother’s group, you can all commiserate together.
posted by Jubey at 2:55 AM on August 21, 2019 [1 favorite]


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