guess I should have thought about this 8.5 months ago
July 28, 2015 1:58 PM Subscribe
Looking for articles, anecdotes or books about coming to terms with motherhood identity.
Nothing sappy, heavy handed or mommy-culty.
I'm having a hard time absorbing the identity change that comes with motherhood (see my previous askmes). I resent and resist all the heavy handed messages coming at me. There's birthing & breastfeeding books (you are the sole being who can perfectly nurture Your Child), alienating/condescending commercials aimed at "mom" (is it just me or do those commercials seem like they actually hate you? and yet they still want my money...) and people telling me ZOMG IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LYFE4EVER. It feels like I'm being put into a box and told how to feel. This is new for me since otherwise I am so femmy in my aesthetic and interests. Like, I wish my girlfriends were MORE femmy, but the thought of having a mom discussion circle makes me want to stab someone. (Yet at the same time I want to attend one?? wtf) I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember. Babies/children/animals typically brought out very mothery feelings in me. But now that it's my turn, I just cannot think of myself as a "mom," and all of the resources I've found so far really squick me out. I did have a very poor relationship with my own mother (she was essentially this person's mom) so I'm sure that factors in somehow.
Looking for anecdotes, thoughtful essays, book recommendations that explore making peace with this change of identity.
This previous askme touches on it but it's from 2008 and my question is a little different so I thought I'd cast the net again. Thanks for listening everyone.
I'm having a hard time absorbing the identity change that comes with motherhood (see my previous askmes). I resent and resist all the heavy handed messages coming at me. There's birthing & breastfeeding books (you are the sole being who can perfectly nurture Your Child), alienating/condescending commercials aimed at "mom" (is it just me or do those commercials seem like they actually hate you? and yet they still want my money...) and people telling me ZOMG IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LYFE4EVER. It feels like I'm being put into a box and told how to feel. This is new for me since otherwise I am so femmy in my aesthetic and interests. Like, I wish my girlfriends were MORE femmy, but the thought of having a mom discussion circle makes me want to stab someone. (Yet at the same time I want to attend one?? wtf) I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember. Babies/children/animals typically brought out very mothery feelings in me. But now that it's my turn, I just cannot think of myself as a "mom," and all of the resources I've found so far really squick me out. I did have a very poor relationship with my own mother (she was essentially this person's mom) so I'm sure that factors in somehow.
Looking for anecdotes, thoughtful essays, book recommendations that explore making peace with this change of identity.
This previous askme touches on it but it's from 2008 and my question is a little different so I thought I'd cast the net again. Thanks for listening everyone.
Best answer: You might want to take a look at the anthology The M Word: Conversations About Motherhood.
The blog Renegade Mothering is also good.
posted by alicat at 2:16 PM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
The blog Renegade Mothering is also good.
posted by alicat at 2:16 PM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
There is a terrible push toward conformity about motherhood and a secrecy about anything negative or even neutral about it. When I went back to work after having a kid I was fucking dancing on air and everyone kept saying that it was okay if I wanted to go have myself a cry in the bathroom. It was surreal. I thought I was used to feeling like a space alien but it turned out there was a whole new way to be a weirdo I hadn't previously considered.
If you're looking for a book, I always loved Operating Intructions by Anne Lamott. Other than that I'd tell you to consider it an enormous service to your child to be honest with yourself about your feelings however complicated or ambivalent they may be about this or anything else, because some day your kid will have complicated and ambivalent feelings that they may feel No One Else Has and may feel lonely or weird and resentful about the pressures to feel a particular way about a particular thing, and it is a very special gift if you can pass on that your feelings are your feelings and you don't owe it to anyone to emotionally conform or lie about your feelings.
Becoming A Mom is kind of a weird thing. The first time you identify yourself as 'Serenity's Mom' will feel a little weird, or when you write 'mother' on the first form...all that stuff is weird. It's a real identity change (but it's not your *entire* identity) and nothing really prepares you for those things which are just odd, like you've been suddenly given a uniform and someone is like, 'Okay, whelp, now you're a mother. Have at it.' but fortunately this is really a case of just get the actions right.
When you have to write 'mother' on the first hospital form, just don't write 'sea creature' and you're off to a great start.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:21 PM on July 28, 2015 [9 favorites]
If you're looking for a book, I always loved Operating Intructions by Anne Lamott. Other than that I'd tell you to consider it an enormous service to your child to be honest with yourself about your feelings however complicated or ambivalent they may be about this or anything else, because some day your kid will have complicated and ambivalent feelings that they may feel No One Else Has and may feel lonely or weird and resentful about the pressures to feel a particular way about a particular thing, and it is a very special gift if you can pass on that your feelings are your feelings and you don't owe it to anyone to emotionally conform or lie about your feelings.
Becoming A Mom is kind of a weird thing. The first time you identify yourself as 'Serenity's Mom' will feel a little weird, or when you write 'mother' on the first form...all that stuff is weird. It's a real identity change (but it's not your *entire* identity) and nothing really prepares you for those things which are just odd, like you've been suddenly given a uniform and someone is like, 'Okay, whelp, now you're a mother. Have at it.' but fortunately this is really a case of just get the actions right.
When you have to write 'mother' on the first hospital form, just don't write 'sea creature' and you're off to a great start.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:21 PM on July 28, 2015 [9 favorites]
Be yourself. Feel perfectly free to discard all that stuff you feel like you should submit to. Being a new parent will of course change your life forever, but it only has to add to your identity, not change it. Babies can sense when you're faking it anyhow, so just be you.
You are going to be trying to get a wiggly baby into a onesie and wonder how you are going to get the sleeve on her without her hand ending up a broken sprained mess, and then the hand will come out just fine, and you'll be her mom. Viola!
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 2:23 PM on July 28, 2015
You are going to be trying to get a wiggly baby into a onesie and wonder how you are going to get the sleeve on her without her hand ending up a broken sprained mess, and then the hand will come out just fine, and you'll be her mom. Viola!
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 2:23 PM on July 28, 2015
We just had a baby! I've been enjoying Vicki iovine books, the girlfriends guides to pregnancy and first year of motherhood.
posted by pairofshades at 2:30 PM on July 28, 2015
posted by pairofshades at 2:30 PM on July 28, 2015
Best answer: Ugh, I wish I knew. Coming to terms with my identity as a mom was something I found super, super difficult. I don't identify with any of the mom memes. The nursing books, oh god so bad. The advertising, who knows who the heck they're advertising to.
The thing is that it *is* something that will change your life, because it's a person who, god willing, will be in your life forever, for better or worse, and because you will have a huge amount of influence on what they become, through genetics and raising. You don't have to feel any particular way about it, though, and it doesn't have to change who you are as a person, any more than getting married or moving or changing career paths or graduating, all things you get told to feel ways about. But you do have to do the thing, more than any other thing you've had to do before, and I did find that to be a thing that changed me on axes I wasn't expecting.
I decided very early on that if the line between "Perfect Mom" and "Bad Mom" was so narrow and ever-changing, I'd simply identify as a Bad Mom and cause myself less stress. (My kid is well-cared for, happy, strong, and interesting to talk to. I'm not actually a terrible parent. Identifying as a Bad Mom, for me, meant letting go of the things society insists are a requirement for mommyhood.)
Another thing that helped me a lot was finding parents I liked and hanging out with them. Not a Mom Group, just people who don't get offended if you're nursing or only get through two uninterrupted sentences over two hours. If there's anyone in your life that is a parent of a youngish kid and also a decent empathetic being, invite them over for dinner soon, and maybe in a few months once you're coming out of the newborn fog. Make a point of talking about non-kid things.
Good luck. It's tough.
posted by tchemgrrl at 2:35 PM on July 28, 2015 [6 favorites]
The thing is that it *is* something that will change your life, because it's a person who, god willing, will be in your life forever, for better or worse, and because you will have a huge amount of influence on what they become, through genetics and raising. You don't have to feel any particular way about it, though, and it doesn't have to change who you are as a person, any more than getting married or moving or changing career paths or graduating, all things you get told to feel ways about. But you do have to do the thing, more than any other thing you've had to do before, and I did find that to be a thing that changed me on axes I wasn't expecting.
I decided very early on that if the line between "Perfect Mom" and "Bad Mom" was so narrow and ever-changing, I'd simply identify as a Bad Mom and cause myself less stress. (My kid is well-cared for, happy, strong, and interesting to talk to. I'm not actually a terrible parent. Identifying as a Bad Mom, for me, meant letting go of the things society insists are a requirement for mommyhood.)
Another thing that helped me a lot was finding parents I liked and hanging out with them. Not a Mom Group, just people who don't get offended if you're nursing or only get through two uninterrupted sentences over two hours. If there's anyone in your life that is a parent of a youngish kid and also a decent empathetic being, invite them over for dinner soon, and maybe in a few months once you're coming out of the newborn fog. Make a point of talking about non-kid things.
Good luck. It's tough.
posted by tchemgrrl at 2:35 PM on July 28, 2015 [6 favorites]
Perhaps it won't hit all the right notes for you, but I liked this essay from Cheryl Strayed, touching on her ambivalence about motherhood.
I like a lot of the comments above about not having to take on an identity that doesn't resonate with you. My daughter is 4 and I still don't feel like A Mom. I maintain that it is possible to enjoy raising a child and do a good job of it without really thinking of it as The State of Motherhood. It helped me to have real-life examples of parents I wanted to be like, to recognize that moms aren't a monolith.
posted by Leona at 2:46 PM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I like a lot of the comments above about not having to take on an identity that doesn't resonate with you. My daughter is 4 and I still don't feel like A Mom. I maintain that it is possible to enjoy raising a child and do a good job of it without really thinking of it as The State of Motherhood. It helped me to have real-life examples of parents I wanted to be like, to recognize that moms aren't a monolith.
posted by Leona at 2:46 PM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Well, I have two things to say:
1) If you don't actually have the baby yet, it's totally normal to feel some, or a lot, of ambivalence. At the risk of veering too close to LIFE CHANGE 4EVA territory, your life will change, and you'll begin to figure out exactly how once you meet the baby. There's no particular rule about how you manage being a mother, but you'll find that once you have the baby, you'll start to figure it out. (After perhaps an initial adjustment period) Some people prefer to project an air of "my angelic baby shits rainbows" and others are a bit more cynical about it (my stock response upon meeting any parent of a baby under three months of age is "it gets better".)
2) Nobody told me this and it fucked with my head in a big way: You don't transition into a perfect mother overnight. Somehow I thought I was supposed to instantly transform into a perfect selfless parent ready to attend to my newborn's every need. It turns out that being constantly on call, while also exhausted, not sleeping, and in pain is REALLY HARD. Because I found myself getting annoyed at this helpless little blob, I frequently felt like I was failing at motherhood the first few weeks, and had some definite moments of this-was-a-horrible-mistake.
BUT: It got better. My analogy is that when the first baby was born, I had enough patience for me and my husband. The baby blasted through that early and often. But, over time, the pool of patience grew and I learned how to be pretty unflappable. When I had the second baby, I most definitely did NOT have enough patience for a newborn, a preschooler, and a spouse. But that time I was able to recognize it as a problem that just needed some time to resolve, and I didn't feel as guilty about it. Once again, the pool of patience has grown, and I'm pretty calm again.
I don't know that I necessarily know how to summarize what kind of parent I am, but I do try to parent mindfully -things like like actively teaching empathy, practicing tough social situations, letting the kids learn to entertain themselves, interspersing educational tidbits in a silly way through everyday conversation. I don't think you have to be a specific kind of parent to be a good one.
I have found that I do enjoy talking about parenting, though preferably with a group that's somewhat similarly minded. Nonetheless, I can enjoy a conversation even if there is a bit of internal eye rolling (as long as it's nothing too extreme like anti-vaccination).
For now my best advice is to embrace the ambivalence that is OH SO TOTALLY NATURAL in the face of any life change (wedding, career move, etc), and have confidence in yourself that once you meet the baby you'll find your own way to being a mom.
It just might not happen overnight.
posted by telepanda at 2:51 PM on July 28, 2015 [11 favorites]
1) If you don't actually have the baby yet, it's totally normal to feel some, or a lot, of ambivalence. At the risk of veering too close to LIFE CHANGE 4EVA territory, your life will change, and you'll begin to figure out exactly how once you meet the baby. There's no particular rule about how you manage being a mother, but you'll find that once you have the baby, you'll start to figure it out. (After perhaps an initial adjustment period) Some people prefer to project an air of "my angelic baby shits rainbows" and others are a bit more cynical about it (my stock response upon meeting any parent of a baby under three months of age is "it gets better".)
2) Nobody told me this and it fucked with my head in a big way: You don't transition into a perfect mother overnight. Somehow I thought I was supposed to instantly transform into a perfect selfless parent ready to attend to my newborn's every need. It turns out that being constantly on call, while also exhausted, not sleeping, and in pain is REALLY HARD. Because I found myself getting annoyed at this helpless little blob, I frequently felt like I was failing at motherhood the first few weeks, and had some definite moments of this-was-a-horrible-mistake.
BUT: It got better. My analogy is that when the first baby was born, I had enough patience for me and my husband. The baby blasted through that early and often. But, over time, the pool of patience grew and I learned how to be pretty unflappable. When I had the second baby, I most definitely did NOT have enough patience for a newborn, a preschooler, and a spouse. But that time I was able to recognize it as a problem that just needed some time to resolve, and I didn't feel as guilty about it. Once again, the pool of patience has grown, and I'm pretty calm again.
I don't know that I necessarily know how to summarize what kind of parent I am, but I do try to parent mindfully -things like like actively teaching empathy, practicing tough social situations, letting the kids learn to entertain themselves, interspersing educational tidbits in a silly way through everyday conversation. I don't think you have to be a specific kind of parent to be a good one.
I have found that I do enjoy talking about parenting, though preferably with a group that's somewhat similarly minded. Nonetheless, I can enjoy a conversation even if there is a bit of internal eye rolling (as long as it's nothing too extreme like anti-vaccination).
For now my best advice is to embrace the ambivalence that is OH SO TOTALLY NATURAL in the face of any life change (wedding, career move, etc), and have confidence in yourself that once you meet the baby you'll find your own way to being a mom.
It just might not happen overnight.
posted by telepanda at 2:51 PM on July 28, 2015 [11 favorites]
Maybe check out the back catalog of the podcast One Bad Mother? (Tagline: "Because this is hard, and no one gives a s*#%") For one thing, even though "mother" is in the title, the hosts are both very obviously completely awesome humans who are not just "mom." The show really engages a lot with the pressures women face to obliterate their identities into their children/families/mothering role, and also it's just really damn funny.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:59 PM on July 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:59 PM on July 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I'm a pretty good parent. I suck as a "mom," socially speaking. Here are things that might help:
* Make time to talk to your best friends about non-mom things. Send them emails (because you can write them in bits and pieces, and send them when you're ready).
* Keep your mind alive. Read books about non-mom interests. Nursing is a great time to do this, or maybe just before bed, or whenever, but it will take your mind away somewhere else.
* Do NOT look at parenting magazines.
* Take care of your mental, emotional, and physical health as much as you can. This is not selfishness, though it may feel that way in the moment; play the long game, and be caring about yourself so that you can sustain your being through the years.
* Avoid other moms that make you feel bad with their kabuki mommyhood. Part of playing the social part of mommy is being seen to be a good mommy--are you worried enough about your kid's grip on the monkey bars? Have the right organic juice? Are you signing them up for just the right activities? You don't have hand sanitizer, you MONSTER?--and doing the work of presenting correctly for your set of mom peers. Fuck that. Seriously. A wonderful MeFite gave the concept of being an OMG mommy or a BFD parent, and it has helped a lot. I can't say that ignoring the pressure of being different is easy, but resisting anxiety-driven competitive mompetition has been helpful. See also peagood's excellent advice. Read the entire thread; maybe it will speak to you.
* Be kind to other mothers. They are struggling too, in ways more and less visible, in ways similar and different to your own. Practical assistance is far better than a judgy look.
* Focus on being good enough for your particular child on an hour-to-hour basis, and forgive yourself for not meeting some arbitrary cultural standard of mommyness.
* There are going to be times when you go to activities for the sake of your child, and everybody else wants to talk about mommymommymommy stuff. You will have to learn to negotiate that social scene, remembering that you can often learn from others' nitty-dritty, and that you can also talk broadly about motherhood (sharing an article in advance of a mostly moms meetup has often shifted conversation to a more interesting place for several of us). Trust that you will eventually find another mother who understands your ambivalence about the mommy identity.
* Read this Ask: What makes a mom a good mom? What does it feel like to have a good mom?
Preserve and care for your self; be good enough for your child; be kind, be human, and don't worry about doing mommyhood for others.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:15 PM on July 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
* Make time to talk to your best friends about non-mom things. Send them emails (because you can write them in bits and pieces, and send them when you're ready).
* Keep your mind alive. Read books about non-mom interests. Nursing is a great time to do this, or maybe just before bed, or whenever, but it will take your mind away somewhere else.
* Do NOT look at parenting magazines.
* Take care of your mental, emotional, and physical health as much as you can. This is not selfishness, though it may feel that way in the moment; play the long game, and be caring about yourself so that you can sustain your being through the years.
* Avoid other moms that make you feel bad with their kabuki mommyhood. Part of playing the social part of mommy is being seen to be a good mommy--are you worried enough about your kid's grip on the monkey bars? Have the right organic juice? Are you signing them up for just the right activities? You don't have hand sanitizer, you MONSTER?--and doing the work of presenting correctly for your set of mom peers. Fuck that. Seriously. A wonderful MeFite gave the concept of being an OMG mommy or a BFD parent, and it has helped a lot. I can't say that ignoring the pressure of being different is easy, but resisting anxiety-driven competitive mompetition has been helpful. See also peagood's excellent advice. Read the entire thread; maybe it will speak to you.
* Be kind to other mothers. They are struggling too, in ways more and less visible, in ways similar and different to your own. Practical assistance is far better than a judgy look.
* Focus on being good enough for your particular child on an hour-to-hour basis, and forgive yourself for not meeting some arbitrary cultural standard of mommyness.
* There are going to be times when you go to activities for the sake of your child, and everybody else wants to talk about mommymommymommy stuff. You will have to learn to negotiate that social scene, remembering that you can often learn from others' nitty-dritty, and that you can also talk broadly about motherhood (sharing an article in advance of a mostly moms meetup has often shifted conversation to a more interesting place for several of us). Trust that you will eventually find another mother who understands your ambivalence about the mommy identity.
* Read this Ask: What makes a mom a good mom? What does it feel like to have a good mom?
Preserve and care for your self; be good enough for your child; be kind, be human, and don't worry about doing mommyhood for others.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:15 PM on July 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
what telepanda wrote is really good, I think. Especially the No 2 paragraph.
At about 8 months along, I went through major despair. I was sure I could never be a "good Mother" whatever that might be. I was so panicked, and lost all joy about being pregnant. I was sure my child would grow up to hate me as I would turn into my own neurotic mother.
What helped me, was talking to a specialist counsellor for pregnant ladies whom I found through a parenting center where they offered breast feeding classes, birthing prep classes, etc which I all skipped but I loved the matter of fact advice of that counsellor. In total I saw her maybe 3 times, and it was not therapy as such but venting with a "safe" person.
The second thing that really helped me in a major but unexpected way was the act of giving birth itself. Now this may sound sort of weird or wooish but it was so empowering on a very deep and real level. It was the hardest und toughest thing I ever did, and at one point I thought I was going to die. But I went past that point and persevered. To know I did that hard thing and did it well helped me a lot through those horribly hard first three months. Giving birth did change me positively and in a lasting way. But exactly how is very hard to describe. And it was totally unexpected, not due to any of the plans I made for the birth. But that this new strenght / self knowledge carried me through a lot tought times since.
posted by 15L06 at 3:18 PM on July 28, 2015
At about 8 months along, I went through major despair. I was sure I could never be a "good Mother" whatever that might be. I was so panicked, and lost all joy about being pregnant. I was sure my child would grow up to hate me as I would turn into my own neurotic mother.
What helped me, was talking to a specialist counsellor for pregnant ladies whom I found through a parenting center where they offered breast feeding classes, birthing prep classes, etc which I all skipped but I loved the matter of fact advice of that counsellor. In total I saw her maybe 3 times, and it was not therapy as such but venting with a "safe" person.
The second thing that really helped me in a major but unexpected way was the act of giving birth itself. Now this may sound sort of weird or wooish but it was so empowering on a very deep and real level. It was the hardest und toughest thing I ever did, and at one point I thought I was going to die. But I went past that point and persevered. To know I did that hard thing and did it well helped me a lot through those horribly hard first three months. Giving birth did change me positively and in a lasting way. But exactly how is very hard to describe. And it was totally unexpected, not due to any of the plans I made for the birth. But that this new strenght / self knowledge carried me through a lot tought times since.
posted by 15L06 at 3:18 PM on July 28, 2015
Best answer: Your feelings about mom discussion circles really resonate with me, especially thinking back to when my son was born. ("I feel so alone in this endeavor! But UGH no there's no way in hell I want to go hang out with OTHER people who just had a baby.")
It's a pretty weird pressure that exists to find other (new) moms to talk to, really. If you're getting married and spending a lot of your time thinking about wedding plans, sure, your friends don't want to discuss that in too much detail--but you're not supposed to go bond with other brides-to-be instead! And if your parent is aging and you're moving them in with you and spend a bunch of time caring for them, you don't have to find friends in the same boat. (Maybe a support group would be helpful, but the idea wouldn't be that you need friends who are also caring for their parents.)
I found I had far more interesting discussions, even about parenting, with people I shared non-parenting interests with and who *didn't* have a child of a similar age. Friends who were a decade or two away from considering having kids and found babies fascinating and bizarre, friends who had older kids, etc. We played with the kiddo but any discussion of parenting was either very big-picture or very personal. I never did wish there were more people in our lives who really "got" the details of breastfeeding or the cost of diapers or who had clever strategies for bathtime to suggest.
This was all to say that I wouldn't take conflicted feelings about making "mom friends" or going to a new moms group as indicative of issues with mom-identity. Just as the same sort of feeling you'd have if you started working at a male-dominated company and someone suggested you join the women's club.
posted by cogitron at 3:26 PM on July 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's a pretty weird pressure that exists to find other (new) moms to talk to, really. If you're getting married and spending a lot of your time thinking about wedding plans, sure, your friends don't want to discuss that in too much detail--but you're not supposed to go bond with other brides-to-be instead! And if your parent is aging and you're moving them in with you and spend a bunch of time caring for them, you don't have to find friends in the same boat. (Maybe a support group would be helpful, but the idea wouldn't be that you need friends who are also caring for their parents.)
I found I had far more interesting discussions, even about parenting, with people I shared non-parenting interests with and who *didn't* have a child of a similar age. Friends who were a decade or two away from considering having kids and found babies fascinating and bizarre, friends who had older kids, etc. We played with the kiddo but any discussion of parenting was either very big-picture or very personal. I never did wish there were more people in our lives who really "got" the details of breastfeeding or the cost of diapers or who had clever strategies for bathtime to suggest.
This was all to say that I wouldn't take conflicted feelings about making "mom friends" or going to a new moms group as indicative of issues with mom-identity. Just as the same sort of feeling you'd have if you started working at a male-dominated company and someone suggested you join the women's club.
posted by cogitron at 3:26 PM on July 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was similarly wary of anything tagged with the label "mom", just like you. Hated the commercials, the cult-like aspect, the conformity, ugh. I was so ready to be a mother and nurture a child, but I didn't want to be a "mom". I ended up making/joining an online forums of pregnant MeFites and it was the best thing ever. It was exactly the kind of community I was looking for. That said, IRL parent friends are great too. I was always so nervous about talking to other parents before my so was born, worried I'd blunder into mommy-land and then make an ungrateful exit, but surprise surprise many of the parents I meet are actually terrific and not members of the mommy cult either :)
I'm not even sure what a Real Mom is these days. I don't feel like a "mom" and I don't know what that would mean. I do feel like a parent though, and I like it and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. So don't worry, you aren't going to get sucked in against your will. Maybe nobody feels like A Mom, you know.....
posted by Cygnet at 4:22 PM on July 28, 2015
I'm not even sure what a Real Mom is these days. I don't feel like a "mom" and I don't know what that would mean. I do feel like a parent though, and I like it and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. So don't worry, you aren't going to get sucked in against your will. Maybe nobody feels like A Mom, you know.....
posted by Cygnet at 4:22 PM on July 28, 2015
My son's maternal grandmother died when my ex was less than two. My ex was terrified near the end of the pregnancy that she didn't know how to be a mom because she was motherless. The first couple months after delivery were complete hell for her. I couldn't do much because one of us needed to run the business and I don't have the right kind of boobs.
Then she started taking boy to a weekly event at the library and met some other moms who she really got along with. They have helped each other through so many things. Venting for hours can be productive. And plus, my son has a small group of friends that he has known almost since birth.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:35 PM on July 28, 2015
Then she started taking boy to a weekly event at the library and met some other moms who she really got along with. They have helped each other through so many things. Venting for hours can be productive. And plus, my son has a small group of friends that he has known almost since birth.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:35 PM on July 28, 2015
I don't have kids so bear in mind what I have to say may well be totally irrelvant crap but when I was doing the 'working holiday' thing in London it drove me crazy that suddenly my identity was "Aussie in the UK". I mean, ok, that's what I was and there were tonnes of others before and after me who were also identified the same but I was still ME and it made me crazy angry to have that label identify me. There was quite a lot of metaphorical (and sometimes literal) stomping around and yelling "I'm not X, I'm ME!". I was ready to throw off any labels but my name, I didn't want to acknowledge any nationality, stage in life, whatever. I was surprised how furious it made me to be put in a box just because I was doing this particular rite of passage.
I'd imagine motherhood being an even more extreme version of that! I think being unsure about that new role/label is probably really common but even less acceptable than my ranting (which in retrospect seems rather OTT even if it seriously bothered me at the time (mid twenties, over 10 years ago now). I don't know if there are any books/resources about rebelling about being labeled & change of identity more broadly but if there are I suspect they'd be helpful as I see this being more about trying to be true to the individual while also fitting into society.
posted by kitten magic at 5:16 PM on July 28, 2015
I'd imagine motherhood being an even more extreme version of that! I think being unsure about that new role/label is probably really common but even less acceptable than my ranting (which in retrospect seems rather OTT even if it seriously bothered me at the time (mid twenties, over 10 years ago now). I don't know if there are any books/resources about rebelling about being labeled & change of identity more broadly but if there are I suspect they'd be helpful as I see this being more about trying to be true to the individual while also fitting into society.
posted by kitten magic at 5:16 PM on July 28, 2015
I flat out love the book Ever Since Eve: Personal Reflections on Childbirth by Nancy Caldwell Sorrell.
It is a collection of stories and essays (maybe a few poems) about motherhood. Wanting, not wanting, pregnancy, loss, birth, raising. It is good, I think, for people who want to be moms but don't want to romanticize it or be boxed up by it.
posted by SLC Mom at 5:20 PM on July 28, 2015
It is a collection of stories and essays (maybe a few poems) about motherhood. Wanting, not wanting, pregnancy, loss, birth, raising. It is good, I think, for people who want to be moms but don't want to romanticize it or be boxed up by it.
posted by SLC Mom at 5:20 PM on July 28, 2015
By one of MeFi's Own: Mother Shock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:38 PM on July 28, 2015
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:38 PM on July 28, 2015
Best answer: Yeah, I don't know, I don't really feel like my identity changed with my kids. I feel more like I got another job, a tough, wonderful, all consuming job, but I'm still me. So I don't identify as being a "mom" except when I (thankfully rarely) am judging myself against the "social idea of how a mommy should be". But generally I'm too damn busy doing my job as a parent to worry about that stuff.
And I also found that a lot of the folks who want to talk about mom stuff are doing it either from a 1) just making small talk (he we have something in common we can start there) way or they 2) are trying to share in your joy and pains a little, they've been there. I haven't run into a lot of the ones that are kind of trying to intimidate/dominate with their perfection, but I generally assume they are compensating for some intense feelings of unhappiness and anxiety and that's how they are trying to cope. Either that or they are assholes. YMMV.
posted by pennypiper at 5:38 PM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
And I also found that a lot of the folks who want to talk about mom stuff are doing it either from a 1) just making small talk (he we have something in common we can start there) way or they 2) are trying to share in your joy and pains a little, they've been there. I haven't run into a lot of the ones that are kind of trying to intimidate/dominate with their perfection, but I generally assume they are compensating for some intense feelings of unhappiness and anxiety and that's how they are trying to cope. Either that or they are assholes. YMMV.
posted by pennypiper at 5:38 PM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I guess my anecdotal advice (8.5 months on the other side) is, it's okay? You don't have to want to identify as A Mom? Even as eager as I was to meet Baby Olinerd while I was pregnant I still got squicked out by being referred to as "mommy" by well-intentioned well-wishers and while I'm more used to it now, I still definitely resent being identified as nothing more than a mother. I'm especially having difficulty with it as I'm involuntarily unemployed at the moment, and as much as I enjoyed my maternity leave and bonding with Baby O I'm going crazy without my usual work to keep my mind busy, and I'm about ready to stab the next person who informs me how lucky I am I'm not working so I can stay home and spend all my time reciting inane nursery rhymes. So that's where I'm coming from.
The big thing that helps me is being totally irreverent about parenthood with my husband. No magic switch was flipped overnight that made us Perfect Parents, and similarly, no switch was flipped to make us Extra Mature Adults. Acknowledging that and playing to that helps us remind ourselves that we are still us, just with a kid. We still laugh at gross bodily noises, take the baby to the nearby crocodile zoo and set up ridiculous photos with her, and openly and jokingly acknowledge how much our New Parent hormones are influencing our opinions at any given moment. (The 8 month mark is a great time to go back and look at all the newborn pics you took wondering how on earth you thought that squished little head was cute enough to warrant all those photos) We haul her around to most of the things we did before we had her, and while we're not frequenting cocktail bars as late as we used to, we still travel with her, we take her to movies, we take her out to eat, we figure out ways to have her around while chasing our hobbies, etc. While this will change at some point -- she's rapidly becoming more challenging to have at certain places without risking pissing off other people -- it's certainly easing a lot of transition for us.
A good friend of mine got pregnant and at about six months her husband sold his video games because he was going to be A Dad now and he thought that meant couldn't have such things. I think that's ridiculous. Don't do stuff like that. You'll still be you with the things you like. You can keep being you (plus a kid). The balance of that dynamic will change from time to time and over time, but it doesn't have to go full speed ahead right off the bat.
Find the other women who are like you. Playgroups are The Thing where I live, everyone encourages you to join them, my family-in-law are all huge proponents, blah blah you'll make friends for life, and you know what? I've hated every playgroup thing I've been to. I'm a socially awkward introvert so it's already super uncomfortable for me, and really, the only thing we all have to break the ice on is diapers? Fuck that. I'm tired of talking about diapers. Don't feel like you have to go to mothers' groups or playgroups if that's not your thing. Don't be afraid to shop around different groups if you feel like you do want to find something. Don't be afraid to start your own if you do happen to meet a few other like-minded types through other means. Don't be afraid to have this be mostly online -- it is in my case. Or just meet up with a childfree friend for wine and talk about non-baby things. That's okay too!
Keep being yourself. Joke about things. Laugh about things. Don't give up all your enjoyable activities if they're activities that can still be done with a baby. Find your own identity, manage your own transition into motherhood (not Motherhood (TM)), and find some like-minded people, whenever and however and wherever you need to do that. It will be okay. I also might recommend that you start now... have you taken any prenatal classes? Or are you doing prenatal yoga or anything like that? Basically, anything around other pregnant women? I met one woman in a yoga class and one couple in my prenatal class at the hospital who I got along with (outside of "BABIES!" in common) and it was nice to have them to chat to before and after I had my kid. As you mentioned, you do have a lot of concerns and anxiety about the mothering advice the world throws at you, so if it is at all possible for you to find some of your philosophically aligned demographic to befriend soon, I'd suggest doing so - it'll help you in the tough early weeks when you're questioning a lot of things. Metafilter is good -- hell, an Irreverent Parents of Metafilter would be a great online group -- but I think personal connections are really beneficial when the going gets tough.
posted by olinerd at 6:15 PM on July 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
The big thing that helps me is being totally irreverent about parenthood with my husband. No magic switch was flipped overnight that made us Perfect Parents, and similarly, no switch was flipped to make us Extra Mature Adults. Acknowledging that and playing to that helps us remind ourselves that we are still us, just with a kid. We still laugh at gross bodily noises, take the baby to the nearby crocodile zoo and set up ridiculous photos with her, and openly and jokingly acknowledge how much our New Parent hormones are influencing our opinions at any given moment. (The 8 month mark is a great time to go back and look at all the newborn pics you took wondering how on earth you thought that squished little head was cute enough to warrant all those photos) We haul her around to most of the things we did before we had her, and while we're not frequenting cocktail bars as late as we used to, we still travel with her, we take her to movies, we take her out to eat, we figure out ways to have her around while chasing our hobbies, etc. While this will change at some point -- she's rapidly becoming more challenging to have at certain places without risking pissing off other people -- it's certainly easing a lot of transition for us.
A good friend of mine got pregnant and at about six months her husband sold his video games because he was going to be A Dad now and he thought that meant couldn't have such things. I think that's ridiculous. Don't do stuff like that. You'll still be you with the things you like. You can keep being you (plus a kid). The balance of that dynamic will change from time to time and over time, but it doesn't have to go full speed ahead right off the bat.
Find the other women who are like you. Playgroups are The Thing where I live, everyone encourages you to join them, my family-in-law are all huge proponents, blah blah you'll make friends for life, and you know what? I've hated every playgroup thing I've been to. I'm a socially awkward introvert so it's already super uncomfortable for me, and really, the only thing we all have to break the ice on is diapers? Fuck that. I'm tired of talking about diapers. Don't feel like you have to go to mothers' groups or playgroups if that's not your thing. Don't be afraid to shop around different groups if you feel like you do want to find something. Don't be afraid to start your own if you do happen to meet a few other like-minded types through other means. Don't be afraid to have this be mostly online -- it is in my case. Or just meet up with a childfree friend for wine and talk about non-baby things. That's okay too!
Keep being yourself. Joke about things. Laugh about things. Don't give up all your enjoyable activities if they're activities that can still be done with a baby. Find your own identity, manage your own transition into motherhood (not Motherhood (TM)), and find some like-minded people, whenever and however and wherever you need to do that. It will be okay. I also might recommend that you start now... have you taken any prenatal classes? Or are you doing prenatal yoga or anything like that? Basically, anything around other pregnant women? I met one woman in a yoga class and one couple in my prenatal class at the hospital who I got along with (outside of "BABIES!" in common) and it was nice to have them to chat to before and after I had my kid. As you mentioned, you do have a lot of concerns and anxiety about the mothering advice the world throws at you, so if it is at all possible for you to find some of your philosophically aligned demographic to befriend soon, I'd suggest doing so - it'll help you in the tough early weeks when you're questioning a lot of things. Metafilter is good -- hell, an Irreverent Parents of Metafilter would be a great online group -- but I think personal connections are really beneficial when the going gets tough.
posted by olinerd at 6:15 PM on July 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Dunno if my experience applies, since I'm a guy, but:
I became a "dad" when I met my now-partner, who had three young sons. I never wanted to become a dad before this, and saw the boys as the price of admission if I wanted to keep seeing their dad and being a real part of his life.
My partner and I have a big ol' age gap and lots of other qualifiers that place us permanently in territory that guarantees we will forever get lots of questions, looks, judgments and so on. And that's not always a bad thing--I much prefer jokes and questions and that sort of sense of boundarylessness (a word?) when it comes to people interacting with this territory than the assumption of keeping private prejudices private and just assuming that having kids / an age gap / being gay / whatever comes with a necessary "identity" that is predictable or even appropriate.
For example, I haaaate it when other parents in my circles assume that I'm going to be upset at a story about so-and-so letting her two 12 year olds stay at home alone or in the car and play phone games while she shops for groceries. This comes up all the time, and is a part of the parent identity that I reject as a matter of principle. My partner and I grew up "free range" as they say now, and we happily let our lads do the same. God forbid we bring this up in conversation with many other parents because, it seems, the "identity" you're talking about is very conformist and confrontational and judgmental. Parents use it as a litmus test, and that's why it seems like an "identity."
The good news is that there are many parent identities out there! You may have a rough and tumble time coming to terms with your own feelings about parenthood in the context of the parents near to you--with whom you will necessarily interact for the next buncha years--but you will mould yourself into whatever kind of parent you aim to be, whatever you feel works just right, whatever doesn't make you feel total revulsion when you see it played out by others in snipe conversations about so-and-so and what she let her daughter do at the playground.
Slipping into the royal We (which means me, my partner, his ex-wife and her new partner), We tend to derisively call the sort of thing that we press back against The Mommy Blogger Reflex. I know that's inappropriately gendered--dads do this stuff, too--but in our neighborhood we have a lot of tech moms who don't work and blog all day about high-end baby lotions and baby socks and baby bumpers and baby movies and baby music and baby baby baby baby baby. A small group call themselves The Mommy Bloggers and meet at the playground across from our house, so we hear snippets of (otherwise private) conversations of theirs drift through our windows on a near-constant basis. And that is how we've defined ourselves: in opposition to the Parental Bloc. It necessarily limits the number of parents we actively hang out with, but it also means we've found a lot of cool people who don't judge each other! Including a lot of people without kids! Who socialize! And lead varied lives with diverse interests!
So there, it can be done, and if you need permission to ignore all that mess WELL consider it granted by me, at the very least.
We just recently told our good friends, who've adopted a young girl, not to listen to the garbage advice they got from one of TMBs that they'd need to look into books about forming natural parental bonds with their kids, since they won't get that without the benefit of a long pregnancy and delivery. Which, I mean, is horseshit, and mean. And parents will do this to each other without thinking critically about it, because parenthood does make people a little tired and rough around the edges, if nothing else. And when we're tired we say weird stuff. I often wonder if that's why this Parental Bloc thing exists: because it's easier to go with the group mentality when you're so tired that it's hard to think. So maybe keep that in mind too? You will at some point find yourself so tired that a Mommy Blogger will swoop in and give you two spare diapers at the beach or share some formula at the airport or hold your kid while you are puking waiting for the bus or anything, really, and you'll have a moment of recognizing that most parents just want other kids to be cared for and their motivations aren't just to make you miserable with their relentlessly optimistic sense of parental identity politics.
Welcome to it. It's life changing, alright, no matter how you cut that cake. :)
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 6:39 PM on July 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
I became a "dad" when I met my now-partner, who had three young sons. I never wanted to become a dad before this, and saw the boys as the price of admission if I wanted to keep seeing their dad and being a real part of his life.
My partner and I have a big ol' age gap and lots of other qualifiers that place us permanently in territory that guarantees we will forever get lots of questions, looks, judgments and so on. And that's not always a bad thing--I much prefer jokes and questions and that sort of sense of boundarylessness (a word?) when it comes to people interacting with this territory than the assumption of keeping private prejudices private and just assuming that having kids / an age gap / being gay / whatever comes with a necessary "identity" that is predictable or even appropriate.
For example, I haaaate it when other parents in my circles assume that I'm going to be upset at a story about so-and-so letting her two 12 year olds stay at home alone or in the car and play phone games while she shops for groceries. This comes up all the time, and is a part of the parent identity that I reject as a matter of principle. My partner and I grew up "free range" as they say now, and we happily let our lads do the same. God forbid we bring this up in conversation with many other parents because, it seems, the "identity" you're talking about is very conformist and confrontational and judgmental. Parents use it as a litmus test, and that's why it seems like an "identity."
The good news is that there are many parent identities out there! You may have a rough and tumble time coming to terms with your own feelings about parenthood in the context of the parents near to you--with whom you will necessarily interact for the next buncha years--but you will mould yourself into whatever kind of parent you aim to be, whatever you feel works just right, whatever doesn't make you feel total revulsion when you see it played out by others in snipe conversations about so-and-so and what she let her daughter do at the playground.
Slipping into the royal We (which means me, my partner, his ex-wife and her new partner), We tend to derisively call the sort of thing that we press back against The Mommy Blogger Reflex. I know that's inappropriately gendered--dads do this stuff, too--but in our neighborhood we have a lot of tech moms who don't work and blog all day about high-end baby lotions and baby socks and baby bumpers and baby movies and baby music and baby baby baby baby baby. A small group call themselves The Mommy Bloggers and meet at the playground across from our house, so we hear snippets of (otherwise private) conversations of theirs drift through our windows on a near-constant basis. And that is how we've defined ourselves: in opposition to the Parental Bloc. It necessarily limits the number of parents we actively hang out with, but it also means we've found a lot of cool people who don't judge each other! Including a lot of people without kids! Who socialize! And lead varied lives with diverse interests!
So there, it can be done, and if you need permission to ignore all that mess WELL consider it granted by me, at the very least.
We just recently told our good friends, who've adopted a young girl, not to listen to the garbage advice they got from one of TMBs that they'd need to look into books about forming natural parental bonds with their kids, since they won't get that without the benefit of a long pregnancy and delivery. Which, I mean, is horseshit, and mean. And parents will do this to each other without thinking critically about it, because parenthood does make people a little tired and rough around the edges, if nothing else. And when we're tired we say weird stuff. I often wonder if that's why this Parental Bloc thing exists: because it's easier to go with the group mentality when you're so tired that it's hard to think. So maybe keep that in mind too? You will at some point find yourself so tired that a Mommy Blogger will swoop in and give you two spare diapers at the beach or share some formula at the airport or hold your kid while you are puking waiting for the bus or anything, really, and you'll have a moment of recognizing that most parents just want other kids to be cared for and their motivations aren't just to make you miserable with their relentlessly optimistic sense of parental identity politics.
Welcome to it. It's life changing, alright, no matter how you cut that cake. :)
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 6:39 PM on July 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
Jeepers. This sounds familiar. I had a pretty decent relationship with my mom (still do), and having a kid still stirred up a lot of stuff for me.
It's a giant seismic shift, and you don't know where it'll leave you until it happens. And actually, wherever it leaves you won't be a fixed static place. The mom you are on day 1 isn't your forever destiny.
Have you talked to your healthcare provider about this at all? I talked about this kind of thing with my doula during my first pregnancy. I'm in the midst of my second pregnancy and am in the care of a midwife this time around, and this is absolutely the kind of thing I'd talk to her about.
The SpaceFem forums are a great online space to talk about this kind of thing without the hysterical mess that many pregnancy/baby message boards tend towards.
posted by dotparker at 6:58 PM on July 28, 2015
It's a giant seismic shift, and you don't know where it'll leave you until it happens. And actually, wherever it leaves you won't be a fixed static place. The mom you are on day 1 isn't your forever destiny.
Have you talked to your healthcare provider about this at all? I talked about this kind of thing with my doula during my first pregnancy. I'm in the midst of my second pregnancy and am in the care of a midwife this time around, and this is absolutely the kind of thing I'd talk to her about.
The SpaceFem forums are a great online space to talk about this kind of thing without the hysterical mess that many pregnancy/baby message boards tend towards.
posted by dotparker at 6:58 PM on July 28, 2015
I really liked Child of Mine, a collection of essays about first-time motherhood. Motherhood changed me a LOT more than I thought it would and it was a complete shock (still is, in some ways), so I think it's great you're thinking about this already. I really thought life would continue somewhat as usual, with the addition of another little person, and that couldn't have been further from the truth for me. Not in a bad way though! I just wish my expectations for what I would get done and how I would feel that first year hadn't been quite so high.
posted by caoimhe at 6:59 PM on July 28, 2015
posted by caoimhe at 6:59 PM on July 28, 2015
You know another thing that's true? Having a kid is an amazing excuse to do all sorts of things that are really fun but it seems weird to do if you're a Responsibile Adult. I have a 4 year old, and because of him I have rediscovered my childhood love of model rockets and Legos. We go to model rocket launches together; he flies his super-easy build that we built "together" and I'm building my own later at night. We have family Lego time at the kitchen table (he and I work on a big kid set together while the baby bangs Duplos). Late at night I build my Expert Level 16+ sets to unwind.
It is FUN. Both the parts we do together and the grownup versions I do alone. But I probably wouldn't be doing any of it without him.
See also: going to the zoo, the aquarium, the science museum - there is SO MUCH COOL STUFF in the world that you get jaded about, and watching a little person discover it and be amazed helps you remember that the world is actually a pretty awesome place.
An adult friend who has a 5 year old was eyeing my rockets and Legos with jealousy- apparently he isn't allowed to have that stuff for himself at his house. Screw that. Play with toys again and own it. (After, of course, you get past those painful early months.)
posted by telepanda at 7:49 PM on July 28, 2015
It is FUN. Both the parts we do together and the grownup versions I do alone. But I probably wouldn't be doing any of it without him.
See also: going to the zoo, the aquarium, the science museum - there is SO MUCH COOL STUFF in the world that you get jaded about, and watching a little person discover it and be amazed helps you remember that the world is actually a pretty awesome place.
An adult friend who has a 5 year old was eyeing my rockets and Legos with jealousy- apparently he isn't allowed to have that stuff for himself at his house. Screw that. Play with toys again and own it. (After, of course, you get past those painful early months.)
posted by telepanda at 7:49 PM on July 28, 2015
They really don't leave enough space to write in "atomic parent with orbiting electron" so I keep it to parent - it can get so loaded, I opt out when I can. Don't judge things by the first few months post-partum - everyone's getting adjusted to the new rhythms of life on the outside because sleep deprivation and hormone rebalancing are real changes, but you will remain essentially yourself. Pick out one of your tender favorite songs and talk to your little one about it - it's your trail, take what you like on the mom stuff & leave the rest.
posted by childofTethys at 8:13 PM on July 28, 2015
posted by childofTethys at 8:13 PM on July 28, 2015
I'm not a mom and haven't read much of it, so can't really speak from experience, but I think Mutha Magazine may be a good spot to look for some alternate perspectives.
posted by snorkmaiden at 8:46 PM on July 28, 2015
posted by snorkmaiden at 8:46 PM on July 28, 2015
I had a really hard time with my identity as a mom, especially since I went back to work part-time and lost part of my work identity as well. Play groups were kind of horrible because of health issues that no one else had, so I didn't have much in common, but I did find a couple kindred spirits. Things really got better once my son was old enough to wander around the playground, and I got to know a whole new group of neighbors (neighbors with kids! Who knew?!). I finally feel like I've found my parenting community at the local parks. It took a while, but things are getting better all the time now.
So don't despair if it feels like everyone else seems to have a better handle on this mom thing. It's lonely, but eventually your kid will be better company than the moms who faked it so convincingly at the beginning, anyway. And you'll probably met a couple awesome women who you can shoot the shit with straight honesty by then.
Most mom-related reading materials just made me feel like crap or added to my anxiety, so read/watch what makes you feel good/happy while your baby doesn't realize how awesome electronic screens are.
Also, therapy kind of helped. I had postpartum depression for a long time, and my first therapist helped me adjust to my "new normal" as a mom. She was like the supportive mother figure that I wish I'd had, as I could talk with her more openly than with my own mom.
posted by Maarika at 9:39 PM on July 28, 2015
So don't despair if it feels like everyone else seems to have a better handle on this mom thing. It's lonely, but eventually your kid will be better company than the moms who faked it so convincingly at the beginning, anyway. And you'll probably met a couple awesome women who you can shoot the shit with straight honesty by then.
Most mom-related reading materials just made me feel like crap or added to my anxiety, so read/watch what makes you feel good/happy while your baby doesn't realize how awesome electronic screens are.
Also, therapy kind of helped. I had postpartum depression for a long time, and my first therapist helped me adjust to my "new normal" as a mom. She was like the supportive mother figure that I wish I'd had, as I could talk with her more openly than with my own mom.
posted by Maarika at 9:39 PM on July 28, 2015
I see it has already been recommended, but 100% Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott. She really gets the paradigm shift that comes with motherhood, not to mention that she's a great writer and funny as hell. I read Operating Instructions in one sitting, it was so good, and I felt like she was speaking directly to me.
Anecdata and a little advice, but I would watch yourself like a hawk for signs of postpartum depression. I had undiagnosed depression for many months, and I think in part it was caused, or at least exacerbated by the difficulty I had in transitioning from myself to myself-as-mother. It took months, almost a whole year before I felt like my son was really MY son and not some baby that we'd been given to take care of for a while.
And something I wish I had done: pumped milk (or just said "fuck it" and gone with formula) and left the baby with my husband while I went out with non-parent friends. it's easy to get stuck in a cycle where you only see other parents, which means that you mostly just talk about babies, which in my case led to so much frustration and fear about losing my identity and becoming a " so-and-so's mommy", because I literally never had a conversation that didn't revolve around babies. This is something I still struggle with, two years later. Cultivate your non-parent friends, you will be thankful for them later.
posted by lollymccatburglar at 1:53 AM on July 29, 2015
Anecdata and a little advice, but I would watch yourself like a hawk for signs of postpartum depression. I had undiagnosed depression for many months, and I think in part it was caused, or at least exacerbated by the difficulty I had in transitioning from myself to myself-as-mother. It took months, almost a whole year before I felt like my son was really MY son and not some baby that we'd been given to take care of for a while.
And something I wish I had done: pumped milk (or just said "fuck it" and gone with formula) and left the baby with my husband while I went out with non-parent friends. it's easy to get stuck in a cycle where you only see other parents, which means that you mostly just talk about babies, which in my case led to so much frustration and fear about losing my identity and becoming a " so-and-so's mommy", because I literally never had a conversation that didn't revolve around babies. This is something I still struggle with, two years later. Cultivate your non-parent friends, you will be thankful for them later.
posted by lollymccatburglar at 1:53 AM on July 29, 2015
Best answer: What helped me with this was to take everything with a dose of cynical feminism. Which might initially feel to you like 'reject this annoying momdentity? but I am already doing that, that's the problem!', but bear with me.
The last time I'd felt such a pressure to feel a particular way about something was when I was planning a wedding. Ugh, wedding-industrial complex. I spent quite a while sulking to myself about how I wasn't like all these other women who cared about these stupid trivial things and were all princessy and making a big fuss about nothing and why was I getting parcelled in with this nonsense, grargh. And then I realised just how much I was sounding like that "I alone am not like those other girls, who conveniently fulfil all your stereotypes!" phase that a lot of us go through in the early stages of discovering feminism, and I thought: ohhhhhhh.
Didn't stop me resenting getting pushed along by the wedding industry juggernaut. Did mean I started seeing all those other women as not, in fact, an army of zombie bridezillas, but women just like me in many ways who were trying to carve out their own space among all these expectations. And it helped me unpick exactly what it was I felt pressured to do: not so much 'care deeply about flowers', but 'take on all the gruelling emotional labour work of meeting everyone's expectations while planning a huge and complicated event and pretending I like it', which was maybe not easier to deal with exactly but a lot easier to reconcile with how I felt about myself and my place in the world.
So when I had a baby I started viewing motherhood through the same lens. When I felt pressured to do/think/feel a particular way: what forces are doing the pressuring here? whose purposes is it serving? what is it exactly that's bothering me? and is it playing into any unexamined and unpleasant assumptions of my own?
So initially, I felt that as a mother I was part of a warring tribe of super-competitive perfectionists, who judge each other for every single facet of parenting and have stupid fierce judgy stand-offs over the most pointless and trivial things. But that became easier to deal with when I got more sceptical about each part of that. Most mothers I know don't seem to be judging me or anyone else at all; why am I being told we're all bitchy harpies who hate each other? And why is any discussion of any facet of parenting getting pitched as trivial and judgemental? Hmm, it's almost like there's a patriarchy here benefitting from a divide and conquer approach.
Initially, I felt frustrated that I'd have to sit around in circles with other women singing nursery rhymes because ugggh, I have a PhD, why should I be dragged into this? But that also became easier when I realised that none of the other women were there because of a deep and abiding love for 'The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round' either, and I was really not the odd one out.
Initially, I felt resistant to the idea of having to sit around with other mothers and have conversations about babies and parenting all the time - I used to talk about interesting things! Ask me about literary criticism or XML or power structures in academia, you know, things that matter! And that too became easier to manage when I realised that I, too, had bought into the assumption that the day-to-day work of motherhood is not a serious subject worthy of discussion. Do I consider getting tomato sauce stains out of baby clothes to be the defining achievement of my intellectual life? No, not really, but it is still a problem I have to fix now in my day-to-day life, and as such it is not beneath my station to have someone else say "hey, try X". Do I think mothers who've made different feeding/sleeping/discipline methods to me are worse parents? No, I don't, but I do think these subjects are worth serious discussion in their own right to many of us, and there is an unpleasant misogynistic assumption underlying the idea that the only reason women would care about or discuss these things is to judge others. Take your "mommy wars" stuff and shove it, dominant culture.
Plus, the conversations I had with other mothers about parenting (which was not every conversation!) ended up being about a lot of the mental work of motherhood as well as the practical. How do you deal with partners who expect you to be the Knower Of How Things Work all the time? How do you not break down sobbing yourself when walking up and down endlessly with a colicy baby? Anybody else feel weirdly torn between guilt and relief when going back to work after maternity leave? And it's not that you can't talk about these things with non-parents, exactly, but discussing shared experiences with other people in your situation has its own kind of value, especially when those experiences are work that is devalued or invisible in wider society.
I still don't get on with every other mother I know, I still get bored out of my mind dealing with some of the drudge work of parenting, and I'd be lying if I said every playgroup was a consciousness-raising session in disguise. It's not quite like that. But nor is it quite like the visions of stifling, restrictive, awful motherhood that I'd pictured. To a great degree, it is what you carve out for yourself, and just because you can't see from here exactly what that's going to look like for you doesn't mean you'll get shoved into one of these restrictive identity-boxes by default.
posted by Catseye at 4:21 AM on July 29, 2015 [14 favorites]
The last time I'd felt such a pressure to feel a particular way about something was when I was planning a wedding. Ugh, wedding-industrial complex. I spent quite a while sulking to myself about how I wasn't like all these other women who cared about these stupid trivial things and were all princessy and making a big fuss about nothing and why was I getting parcelled in with this nonsense, grargh. And then I realised just how much I was sounding like that "I alone am not like those other girls, who conveniently fulfil all your stereotypes!" phase that a lot of us go through in the early stages of discovering feminism, and I thought: ohhhhhhh.
Didn't stop me resenting getting pushed along by the wedding industry juggernaut. Did mean I started seeing all those other women as not, in fact, an army of zombie bridezillas, but women just like me in many ways who were trying to carve out their own space among all these expectations. And it helped me unpick exactly what it was I felt pressured to do: not so much 'care deeply about flowers', but 'take on all the gruelling emotional labour work of meeting everyone's expectations while planning a huge and complicated event and pretending I like it', which was maybe not easier to deal with exactly but a lot easier to reconcile with how I felt about myself and my place in the world.
So when I had a baby I started viewing motherhood through the same lens. When I felt pressured to do/think/feel a particular way: what forces are doing the pressuring here? whose purposes is it serving? what is it exactly that's bothering me? and is it playing into any unexamined and unpleasant assumptions of my own?
So initially, I felt that as a mother I was part of a warring tribe of super-competitive perfectionists, who judge each other for every single facet of parenting and have stupid fierce judgy stand-offs over the most pointless and trivial things. But that became easier to deal with when I got more sceptical about each part of that. Most mothers I know don't seem to be judging me or anyone else at all; why am I being told we're all bitchy harpies who hate each other? And why is any discussion of any facet of parenting getting pitched as trivial and judgemental? Hmm, it's almost like there's a patriarchy here benefitting from a divide and conquer approach.
Initially, I felt frustrated that I'd have to sit around in circles with other women singing nursery rhymes because ugggh, I have a PhD, why should I be dragged into this? But that also became easier when I realised that none of the other women were there because of a deep and abiding love for 'The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round' either, and I was really not the odd one out.
Initially, I felt resistant to the idea of having to sit around with other mothers and have conversations about babies and parenting all the time - I used to talk about interesting things! Ask me about literary criticism or XML or power structures in academia, you know, things that matter! And that too became easier to manage when I realised that I, too, had bought into the assumption that the day-to-day work of motherhood is not a serious subject worthy of discussion. Do I consider getting tomato sauce stains out of baby clothes to be the defining achievement of my intellectual life? No, not really, but it is still a problem I have to fix now in my day-to-day life, and as such it is not beneath my station to have someone else say "hey, try X". Do I think mothers who've made different feeding/sleeping/discipline methods to me are worse parents? No, I don't, but I do think these subjects are worth serious discussion in their own right to many of us, and there is an unpleasant misogynistic assumption underlying the idea that the only reason women would care about or discuss these things is to judge others. Take your "mommy wars" stuff and shove it, dominant culture.
Plus, the conversations I had with other mothers about parenting (which was not every conversation!) ended up being about a lot of the mental work of motherhood as well as the practical. How do you deal with partners who expect you to be the Knower Of How Things Work all the time? How do you not break down sobbing yourself when walking up and down endlessly with a colicy baby? Anybody else feel weirdly torn between guilt and relief when going back to work after maternity leave? And it's not that you can't talk about these things with non-parents, exactly, but discussing shared experiences with other people in your situation has its own kind of value, especially when those experiences are work that is devalued or invisible in wider society.
I still don't get on with every other mother I know, I still get bored out of my mind dealing with some of the drudge work of parenting, and I'd be lying if I said every playgroup was a consciousness-raising session in disguise. It's not quite like that. But nor is it quite like the visions of stifling, restrictive, awful motherhood that I'd pictured. To a great degree, it is what you carve out for yourself, and just because you can't see from here exactly what that's going to look like for you doesn't mean you'll get shoved into one of these restrictive identity-boxes by default.
posted by Catseye at 4:21 AM on July 29, 2015 [14 favorites]
Best answer: Catseye's comment is right on. I'm convinced that the number of people whose identity is 100% wrapped up in motherhood, or a specific performance of motherhood, is dramatically smaller than advertised. I also have a PhD (which I earned after my son's birth), and I don't feel like my identity totally changed when my son was born (my day to day life sure did, and I love it, but I'm still me). Somehow, based on the zillions of mommy websites and the dominant culture in general I thought this might be rare. But I can't tell you how often I'm at the playground and chat with another kid's parent for a few minutes before I realize they run a business they're passionate about, or they handle tax returns (or legal paperwork or something else I know nothing about) or they are a published author, or a professor of genetics, or a computer scientist researching AI. Those are all examples from THIS WEEK. Honestly, most of the other parents meet are interesting on their own, have interesting ideas about parenting, and don't seem judgmental in the least. I like talking to them about parenting - parenting and child development are NOT BORING, they are complicated worthy subjects with endless layers of nuance, and I consider them primary interests of mine. (By parenting, I mean how do you help a child grow and learn, how do you shape a family, how do you address specific challenges, etc., not how do you make Pinterest-worthy pretzels.) I like talking to them about their jobs too.
I guess my advice is to avoid assuming that Mommy Culture is all around you. Maybe it isn't. I've had a few unpleasant interactions and a few judging but they honestly have been rare.
posted by Cygnet at 7:19 AM on July 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I guess my advice is to avoid assuming that Mommy Culture is all around you. Maybe it isn't. I've had a few unpleasant interactions and a few judging but they honestly have been rare.
posted by Cygnet at 7:19 AM on July 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I now have a 4-month-old so this is pretty fresh for me. I think late pregnancy is right at the point where these concerns peak, because you are in the main Research Phase where you're awash in all the pregnancy/childbirth materials and finishing the birth classes so most of your input is Baby. Plus you're REALLY pregnant and it's physically obvious even to strangers, and it's all anyone is talking to you about, is the baby and the birth plan and aren't you excited and what is your nursery theme et cetera et cetera. It's frustrating because you can't conceal it and you no longer get to control which labels people assign to you. I remember thinking "ask me what books I've read! ask me about work! ask me something else not baby related" but nope, at 8 months pregnant it was all anyone wanted to talk to me about. I started to think it was going to be that bad forever, only talking about The Kids from now on.
My point being, for me, late pregnancy was the WORST for my "mom identity" crisis. Then it started to improve dramatically after my son was born, for a few reasons:
-If I left the house without my baby (which I occasionally did, and I recommend doing), I no longer had the huge I'M PREGNANT appearance, so people had no way of knowing I was a mother unless I chose to tell them.
-I had stopped reading the pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding books, so I was no longer bathing in a flood of Holy Earth Mama Vessel of Life material. Infant care resources seem much less...romanticized, I guess? than the pregnancy and birth stuff was. The tone shifted from "you are such a Pure and Beautiful and Strong Mama!" to "yes sometimes babies will shit green, but it's fine."
-I discovered the horror stories other people loved to tell me (you'll never sleep again! forget about showering! it will chaaaaaange you foreverrrr!) weren't really true, at least for my experience. I didn't feel "changed," aside from a powerful love for my baby and a sudden distaste for movies featuring children in danger.
-I did not exclusively breastfeed, which gave me a break as I could step away now and then for solitude; I did not have to remain within 50 yards of my son at all times.
-I went back to work after my leave of absence ended, giving me other things to do and my coworkers did not call me Mom.
-I did some thinking about my attitudes and internalized misogyny and how did we get to this point, that mothers are viewed as brainless and sexless. The above comments in this thread hit on this much better than I can.
I didn't really connect with any other mothers as my social group didn't have any, but I have a friend or two who is now pregnant so I'm looking forward to being the tour guide and helping out, if I can. I am also more sympathetic to the Uber-Mommies that I previously judged and feared becoming. I'm not quite one of them, but I feel like I understand them better and I remind myself we're all just doing our best.
posted by castlebravo at 7:38 AM on July 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
My point being, for me, late pregnancy was the WORST for my "mom identity" crisis. Then it started to improve dramatically after my son was born, for a few reasons:
-If I left the house without my baby (which I occasionally did, and I recommend doing), I no longer had the huge I'M PREGNANT appearance, so people had no way of knowing I was a mother unless I chose to tell them.
-I had stopped reading the pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding books, so I was no longer bathing in a flood of Holy Earth Mama Vessel of Life material. Infant care resources seem much less...romanticized, I guess? than the pregnancy and birth stuff was. The tone shifted from "you are such a Pure and Beautiful and Strong Mama!" to "yes sometimes babies will shit green, but it's fine."
-I discovered the horror stories other people loved to tell me (you'll never sleep again! forget about showering! it will chaaaaaange you foreverrrr!) weren't really true, at least for my experience. I didn't feel "changed," aside from a powerful love for my baby and a sudden distaste for movies featuring children in danger.
-I did not exclusively breastfeed, which gave me a break as I could step away now and then for solitude; I did not have to remain within 50 yards of my son at all times.
-I went back to work after my leave of absence ended, giving me other things to do and my coworkers did not call me Mom.
-I did some thinking about my attitudes and internalized misogyny and how did we get to this point, that mothers are viewed as brainless and sexless. The above comments in this thread hit on this much better than I can.
I didn't really connect with any other mothers as my social group didn't have any, but I have a friend or two who is now pregnant so I'm looking forward to being the tour guide and helping out, if I can. I am also more sympathetic to the Uber-Mommies that I previously judged and feared becoming. I'm not quite one of them, but I feel like I understand them better and I remind myself we're all just doing our best.
posted by castlebravo at 7:38 AM on July 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I now have a 4 1/2 year old son. I got pregnant intentionally (I remember really wanting to but I don't remember at all WHY). He was born via c-section and when I first heard his cry my immediate response was "Welp, shit." He and my husband and I came home from the hospital, away from the nurses and the equipment and the constant on-call help and I had never felt so alone or useless or lost. I didn't feel like a "mom", I felt like "agress who now has a baby to not screw up". The first two weeks or so were a blur of "I think I do this now?" and judging myself for not being perfect and very, very painful breastfeeding. Stopping breastfeeding helped with the physical pain but ramped up the judging-self. Just so many incidents of "I'm not a mom, I'm not maternal enough for this, I'm not feminine enough for this, I was carrying my baby and he decided to flail over to the right and whap his head against a pole and HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS RIGHT."
I don't know when it happened but at some point after he grew out of that sort of freakish alien newborn look and started looking like a person and started being able to smile, like, real smiles in response to stimuli... he became my son, and I became his mom. Not "a mom." I feel nothing in response to other kids, like, a coworker brought in her toddler and all the other women in the office were cooing and I was like "why is your kid here, this is a distraction, it's toddling around, ALL KIDS DO THAT. (or well, not all, but you know what I mean)" Or today when I dropped him off at daycare and was putting his breakfast plate together for him, there was another mom there talking the teacher's ear off about some behavioral issue her son was having, and this was a mom I'd seen in nerd t-shirts and stuff and I knew my son likes her son so I thought "maybe we can be friends?" and then I saw that and how the teacher clearly had other things to do and I went "NOPE I'm not that kind of mom." I very, very seldom relate to other moms. I'm just me, and my son is just him.
My son is the best kid in the world because he is MY KID, and I don't mean that in a possessive way, I just mean, he and I somehow bonded and he drives me up the goddamn wall sometimes but he is the absolute star of my universe and he cracks me up and he's smart as hell and so silly.
It'll be weird and scary at first, it is for everyone who is having their first baby, but if my experience is anything to go by, it'll work out. :)
posted by agress at 8:32 AM on July 29, 2015
I don't know when it happened but at some point after he grew out of that sort of freakish alien newborn look and started looking like a person and started being able to smile, like, real smiles in response to stimuli... he became my son, and I became his mom. Not "a mom." I feel nothing in response to other kids, like, a coworker brought in her toddler and all the other women in the office were cooing and I was like "why is your kid here, this is a distraction, it's toddling around, ALL KIDS DO THAT. (or well, not all, but you know what I mean)" Or today when I dropped him off at daycare and was putting his breakfast plate together for him, there was another mom there talking the teacher's ear off about some behavioral issue her son was having, and this was a mom I'd seen in nerd t-shirts and stuff and I knew my son likes her son so I thought "maybe we can be friends?" and then I saw that and how the teacher clearly had other things to do and I went "NOPE I'm not that kind of mom." I very, very seldom relate to other moms. I'm just me, and my son is just him.
My son is the best kid in the world because he is MY KID, and I don't mean that in a possessive way, I just mean, he and I somehow bonded and he drives me up the goddamn wall sometimes but he is the absolute star of my universe and he cracks me up and he's smart as hell and so silly.
It'll be weird and scary at first, it is for everyone who is having their first baby, but if my experience is anything to go by, it'll work out. :)
posted by agress at 8:32 AM on July 29, 2015
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for sharing their stories. They are especially more meaningful to me now that I have had my baby.The first thing I'd like to say is that I wish I had spent the last two weeks of my pregnancy not worrying so much about myself, my identity etc. and had spent more time reading some fucking baby books and learning how to take care of a baby. This is been a crazy amount of on-the-job training, like learning how to diaper, bathe & feed a baby. I have definitely felt very ill equipped thus far, it's pretty overwhelming the amount of stuff to know and decisions to make. And things to worry about ;)
Catseye's comment is spot on. Everyone is just trying to carve out their own piece of heaven in the midst of taking care of another human being and all the uncertainty that comes with it. Maybe I had listened to much to advertising and extremist blogs and opinion essays, because in practice all I have met our parents who are trying their best and picking and choosing from the various options available. I'm very fortunate to have a large network of mothers to draw from. For some reason the idea of mommy discussion group doesn't creep me out anymore. Maybe I have let go of my own perfectionist black-and-white thinking.
I wanted to share that I found the book Birth of a Mother very helpful in parsing out this identity issue. It is a book written by a psychologist who studied mothers and the psychological transformation they go through as they try to incorporate this new role into their ego identity. Maybe the book is a bit too deep for some, but I found it very helpful. For example if it talks about how until motherhood, women primarily have identified themselves as daughters, however subtly so, and now will shift to primarily identify themselves as a mother, with all the family line and future lineage stuff that goes along with it. I found that the book brought to light exactly the sort of fears and discomfort I was harboring underneath - how it would change me, how it would change my relationship with my partner and so on. And it help me face them and make peace with them to some degree.
In the end what everyone said is right. I'm still myself, and facing down a new role and a new relationship to develop with my child. Deepest thanks again to everyone for sharing all these stories & helping me through.
posted by serenity soonish at 3:17 PM on August 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
Catseye's comment is spot on. Everyone is just trying to carve out their own piece of heaven in the midst of taking care of another human being and all the uncertainty that comes with it. Maybe I had listened to much to advertising and extremist blogs and opinion essays, because in practice all I have met our parents who are trying their best and picking and choosing from the various options available. I'm very fortunate to have a large network of mothers to draw from. For some reason the idea of mommy discussion group doesn't creep me out anymore. Maybe I have let go of my own perfectionist black-and-white thinking.
I wanted to share that I found the book Birth of a Mother very helpful in parsing out this identity issue. It is a book written by a psychologist who studied mothers and the psychological transformation they go through as they try to incorporate this new role into their ego identity. Maybe the book is a bit too deep for some, but I found it very helpful. For example if it talks about how until motherhood, women primarily have identified themselves as daughters, however subtly so, and now will shift to primarily identify themselves as a mother, with all the family line and future lineage stuff that goes along with it. I found that the book brought to light exactly the sort of fears and discomfort I was harboring underneath - how it would change me, how it would change my relationship with my partner and so on. And it help me face them and make peace with them to some degree.
In the end what everyone said is right. I'm still myself, and facing down a new role and a new relationship to develop with my child. Deepest thanks again to everyone for sharing all these stories & helping me through.
posted by serenity soonish at 3:17 PM on August 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
now that I have had my baby.
Woohoo! Congratulations!
posted by MonkeyToes at 4:16 PM on August 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Woohoo! Congratulations!
posted by MonkeyToes at 4:16 PM on August 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 2:13 PM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]