So you agree? You think you're really pretty?

July 9, 2019 1:20 PM

Why are strangers always telling me I'm pretty? Weekly (at minimum), a cashier or fellow restaurant patron or movie-goer or someone I see out in public will make it a point to tell me I'm pretty. This makes me suspicious. Help me understand why.

I'm fully tattooed on both arms, dress stylishly, love bold accessories, and have the opposite of resting bitch face, so people are constantly complimenting me on specific things. Like to the point it's a joke with friends and family about how many compliments I'll rack up on an evening out. I have no trouble accepting those compliments with genuine appreciation.

Mixed in to that is this general "pretty" compliment which...I dunno. Makes me feel weird. This isn't really a self-image question. I do agree I'm pretty, just not remarkably so. I am also hella fat, which I think is what's making me read this as condescending, even though the compliment is delivered with what appears to be earnest enthusiasm by non-intoxicated women of a variety of ages and backgrounds.

Are you a fat woman who this happens to? Are you a person who sometimes comments on a stranger's beauty? Why/what makes you decide to say something?

posted by ferociouskitty to Society & Culture (39 answers total)

Do you look artistically stylishly unique? Maybe sexually ambiguous? When I had a pixie cut and dressed kind of mod i got similar random but frequent compliments... when my hair grew out and my style was more blah the compliments eased. My face is the same but without the same clothes and body it wasn’t as striking.
posted by catspajammies at 1:34 PM on July 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

It likely is sincere compliments. Confidence combined with presenting a well put together 'look' is often perceived as "pretty". (Especially by people who don't have enough self expression terms to know exactly why they like how someone looks.) I am also fat, and while my work life requires me to look fairly shlumpy most of the time, several times a month I turn out in fabulous, well planned attire and am always surprised by the compliments. Own it! (I know we are programmed to think fat can't be pretty, but please believe these people who are able to see truth.)
posted by AliceBlue at 1:36 PM on July 9, 2019 [13 favorites]

I think I know what you mean. It's nice once and awhile to be noticed but then you wonder exactly what is going through their minds in the noticing. I don't think what you are experiencing is condescension, exactly, and each person thinks they are a special flower who is having a special moment by complimenting you. What I think might be happening is that you are a larger person with some eye-catching features...which they notice...but who also appears confident (maybe?) and who takes up rightful space and that triggers something in the viewer. You are, perhaps, outside of the boring, narrow confines of acceptable appreciation in our culture and these people feel happy for having noticed that and are genuinely appreciating that and (this may be where the feelings of condescension come in) feel that you might not get enough compliments possibly due to your size so they are doing something "extra" for you. Maybe.

I mean...ugh, right? Somewhat similarly, someone close to me, a woman, apparently has taken on as her friendly quirk that she must compliment something about another person if she feels warmly to them. This has let to awkward compliments to me where I can see her searching for something to compliment and it just comes out so weird. Like, she sees me occasionally with crappy clothes for bumming around, morning hair and breath and no makeup or anything. And she'll search around and go, "I love the green of your shirt!" And I look down at the 20-year-old, POS shirt that I'm wearing and go, "Huh. Thanks, I guess." But, like, she's already searching me so she has to say something.

But...this I know, she does it to show her love and so I try to take it in the spirit of that despite how awkward it is. The compliment is (sometimes) insincere, the feelings behind it are not.

But everyone will have a slightly different motivation and I feel like, just to get through life, you are better off ascribing the best intentions to these sorts of interactions. At the end of the day, you've caught their eye and they feel good about it and want to share it.
posted by amanda at 1:37 PM on July 9, 2019 [15 favorites]

Hmm...You know, I would not discount the impact of having "the opposite of resting bitch face." People have emotional responses first, and then look for some logical reason to explain them. So between the anti-RBF and your colorful style, the core emotional reaction someone might be having is, "there's something vaguely happy feeling going on with this person." But of course, that's not fully conscious and would sound dumb if it were, so "this person is pretty" is a good enough generic positive substitute. Also, I think we sometimes fall into the trap of thinking others are thinking about us with way more nuance than they actually are.
posted by shelbaroo at 1:53 PM on July 9, 2019 [24 favorites]

Sometimes people just want to talk, and if there is something interesting that stands out about you, that gives them a topic to talk to you about. I dye my hair bright colours, so most of my interactions with strangers are of the "love your hair" variety. You have put yourself together with style, it looks good on you, so people tell you that you're pretty - their motivation for talking to you is "I want to have a positive interaction with this interesting person" I agree that it can feel a bit weird when people comment on you rather than your style choices, but it may help to remember that they are just trying to brighten your day as much as you have brightened theirs.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:55 PM on July 9, 2019 [3 favorites]

In the Good Timing Department is this quote that just showed up on my Pinterest feed. It is unattributed but maybe answers your question: "There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. That is the true essence of beauty."
posted by AliceBlue at 1:55 PM on July 9, 2019 [5 favorites]

I'm someone who compliments people on particular features (nice earrings, interesting tattoos, awesome boots), although I don't think I would ever go with a generalized "pretty".

I'm just saying what's on my mind, no irony about it. Someone has made a choice I appreciate.

I suspect my willingness to do this is driven by the fact that it has happened to my mother for my entire life. Constantly. For many years I thought I was defective because random strangers didn't approach me to compliment me. I don't know what it is, she has some approachable quality that makes people comfortable offering compliments to someone they've never met. It sounds like you have it too.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:57 PM on July 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

This culture is so anti-fat that I suspect people are taken by surprise when they realize a big woman can be hot, then they think they need to share it with you assuming your ego must need a boost because, you know, fat.
posted by InkaLomax at 2:04 PM on July 9, 2019 [20 favorites]

Sometimes someone's look just delights my eye, and I often feel the desire to tell that person so. Usually I will compliment a specific item they are wearing, or their whole outfit or their general style, if I'm feeling bold. The reason being, their great look gave me a moment of enjoyment, and hopefully my compliment gives them a moment of pleasure in return. I have no other motive than that.

That said, I generally stay away from telling someone they are pretty or beautiful. That feels more intimate, somehow, than saying "I love your pants" or "that hair color is amazing on you." But I would think in more cases than not, even the person who tells you that you are pretty just wants to share with you their enjoyment and appreciation of the way you look. Especially if it looks like you put effort into looking great, I always figure someone who took the time and care to look striking is probably not opposed to people noticing and would enjoy compliments.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:07 PM on July 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

They're probably just saying they like how you look. It's inarticulate but I'm sure it's sincere.
posted by rue72 at 2:09 PM on July 9, 2019 [3 favorites]

Maybe you’re just really pretty. And approachable / relaxed / friendly. So people feel comfortable saying so.

People who are gorgeous usually don’t hear it so freely, because people are too uncomfortable to be that forward lest they scare off the gorgeous beauty. (And, sometimes the difference between beautiful and pretty is one of unattainable remoteness.)

So, in summary my guess is: you are really pretty and put people at ease.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:09 PM on July 9, 2019 [5 favorites]

This culture is so anti-fat that I suspect people are taken by surprise when they realize a big woman can be hot, then they think they need to share it with you assuming your ego must need a boost because, you know, fat.

Some people just enjoy looking at fat, beautiful women. And others enjoy looking at beautiful people regardless of their size. Since you can't really know their motive in complimenting you, why not just assume the best?
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:13 PM on July 9, 2019 [10 favorites]

I'm a woman who comments on things I notice ("that is a great color on you"), but I don't think I'd ever just tell a stranger she was pretty. I'm not sure. I give my comments sincerely. I have known/witnessed two men who gave false compliments to women (one told me after that the woman looked like she was having a bad day so he made something up to make her feel better). Not saying this is a man thing (e.g., The Plastics in your headline). If you get it a lot, I'm guessing it's that you have a very cool, confident vibe (even your question has a cool, confident vibe), especially with your info about opposite of resting bitch face, and stylish, bold accessories. These might all translate into a general impression of "pretty". Maybe you should consider why you're reluctant to own "pretty" as quickly as you own "stylish" and "bold"? There's a lot of programming around "fat can't be pretty." Or maybe you've got that covered already.
posted by kochenta at 2:14 PM on July 9, 2019

I think they think you're pretty because you're pretty. I think they subconsciously feel they can/should tell you so because you're friendly-faced and fat. Having been both very thin and very fat, I've found fatness makes you public property and subject to commentary in a way thin people don't often comprehend.
posted by kapers at 2:18 PM on July 9, 2019 [22 favorites]

I'm trying to make a practice of giving people compliments on the spur of the moment without over-thinking it. I do it because it's a genuine impulse that gives me a moment of unselfconscious authenticity.

Maybe other people are complimenting you because it makes them feel good.
posted by woot at 2:20 PM on July 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

I am a fat (and pretty) woman that this also happens to, and I have perhaps unkindly chalked it up to people thinking that I must not often hear how pretty I am because I'm fat and so they should tell me. Surprise, you're all just inflating my already-healthily-sized ego!
posted by wuzandfuzz at 2:21 PM on July 9, 2019 [5 favorites]

I am also hella fat and I get a *lot* of compliments on the clothes I wear which are often nice, but not that nice, you know?

I agree with wuzandfuzz -- I think people look at me and see someone who probably doesn't get a lot of compliments and look for something nice they can say to me. If you think too closely about that, it's condescending and othering, but I try not to interrogate the meaning and just think of it is kindness.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:26 PM on July 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

I’m another person who gives a lot of compliments. I definitely don’t think about the size of the person or likelihood that they might otherwise get compliments. I just see something fabulous, comment, and move on. I likewise am complimenting specific choices and not things like “you’re pretty.”
posted by ocherdraco at 2:38 PM on July 9, 2019 [3 favorites]

they find you attractive and charismatic, probably because you give off a great vibe (and in a way that surprises them enough that they're moved to remark on it) but they're not going to write an essay about it. They use the first word that comes to mind for complimenting a woman, which is "pretty." This strikes you as off because it's kind of a flat compliment, but I think they're just using it as shorthand for "fascinating", so go ahead and enjoy it.

Also, they probably see you as #goals because you are fat yet appear happy, confident and charismatic, which women often feel they can't be when they're fat, so that's an exciting thing to see.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:40 PM on July 9, 2019 [3 favorites]

I get where you're coming from in finding this condescending. Not an exact parallel, but I have a four-syllable non-Anglo name that's nevertheless fairly easy to pronounce by most Americans. At least once every couple of weeks someone tells me my name is "beautiful". I think they genuinely have good intentions when saying that, do like the name, but again there's this notion that they're complimenting my name because they think I need to hear it / it's "different" / it says something good about them that they appreciate something that's not mainstream. But overall I think it's better just to assume good intentions for your own mental health if nothing else.
posted by peacheater at 2:57 PM on July 9, 2019 [5 favorites]

The prettiest woman I’ve ever met in real life is also, as you say, hella fat, but she’s so incredibly pretty that whenever her name comes up I just involuntarily say “damn, she’s pretty.” Because she’s just unholy pretty. Maybe you’re also really just ridiculously pretty. Maybe you’re the woman I’m thinking of.

No, I never tell her this to her face but it dominates my thoughts about her because she’s just incredible to look at. Maybe the people who say this have just a nudge less self control than I do.

But some people, and it sounds like you’re one of them, are just very pretty. I bet people don’t mean any harm and also aren’t thinking about how rude it is to comment on someone’s features.
posted by OrangeVelour at 3:02 PM on July 9, 2019 [5 favorites]

It sounds like you have cultivated an eye-catching aesthetic, so people notice you. And when they notice you positively, they may want to compliment you. "Pretty" becomes a good generic way of complimenting a woman who is, indeed, pretty, but whose appearance you notice.

I'm going to agree with folks that there may some element of surprise in it. But I do think it's partly women wanting to acknowledge you positively.

Thanks for asking this question. I'm going to take note of when I compliment strangers.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:07 PM on July 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

One of my partners has something that our circle of friends calls "resting friend face." It's not exactly a smile, but just something about the way they hold their face that makes people feel like they are instantly approachable. They attract people like a magnet. Barristas, clerks, bus drivers, or you name it will all try and strike up conversations or compliment them. It doesn't seem to matter what age, sexuality, politics, or gender they present.

I think you have resting friend face. Use your power responsibly.
posted by forbiddencabinet at 3:19 PM on July 9, 2019 [20 favorites]

I give other women compliments on clothing, jewelry, etc, but wouldn't ever tell a stranger that she's pretty...it strikes me as a little awkward no matter what you weigh. It's one thing if someone knows you and makes a comment one day that you're looking especially good. It's another thing for a stranger to say it, like you're not aware of how you look. I think you're right to find it a little condescending, personally.
posted by pinochiette at 3:20 PM on July 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

I WISH I could tell people they're pretty more often. I always notice when a person is attractive particularly when there is something about that person the dominant culture holds as the opposite of attractive. e.g. overweight. Maybe these people just appreciate that you are unapologetically yourself and it makes them feel better about themselves too.

I agree with an above poster that there is something about being overweight which does make one seem non-threatening and somehow available to be commented on - but then I am hella fat too, and hella suspicious of strangers' motives in saying anything about my appearance, so that might just be my negative take on it. I don't get told I'm pretty often, although I get told that I have a "lovely face". Haha.
posted by unicorn chaser at 4:00 PM on July 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'm not gonna be like "they're all gay" but tattooed arms, bold accessories? Most likely at least a few of those compliments have been from queer women. There is a certain "look" that's popular with queer women my age, and those always catch my eye. I generally will compliment along the lines of "I love your x" because, I dunno, I'm super gay and a little giddy and I feel the need to express that in some way. Which is maybe selfish? I haven't thought about it much before, it's pretty spur of the moment. I think part of it is expressing that hey, I notice the effort you put in, and I wanted to let you know it made my day a little better! That said, I only compliment people on their clothes/hair, never on their physical properties (exception: I have told children, "I love your freckles!" but generally resist with adults, despite it being true).
posted by brook horse at 5:24 PM on July 9, 2019 [3 favorites]

I think sometimes people look at the things you pointed out and think “I really like her. There’s something about that stranger I really like.” But you can’t really go up a stranger and say “You look like someone I want to be friends with” or “I love your vibe” or “I wish I was more like you” or “You seem really cool” so they pick a more socially acceptable thing that’s also true and that they think will please you - “you’re pretty.” They want to connect with you because your non-RBF probably makes you seem joyful, your bold accessories make you seem interesting, your tattoos make you seem fearless, all of which are qualities people wish they had.

There might be some who pick “pretty” because you’re fat and they think “she’s pretty, I hope she knows” which is condescending. You would know this for sure if they do the really annoying “has anyone ever told you” preface. But I think it still comes from the same well of seeing you, wanting to connect with you somehow, and not knowing quite how to phrase that.
posted by sallybrown at 6:20 PM on July 9, 2019 [6 favorites]

I also love to give compliments and would not tell a stranger she looks pretty...

But here to tell you that I have a good friend who is SO PRETTY (and in terms of tats, style, and body size probably looks something like you. Also--you too?-- flawless makeup incl perfect fuckin winged eyeliner, which make me so jealous). Every time we are out together, someone tells her how pretty she is. So I like the idea above that you are a) super pretty and b) seem approachable / otherwise coded as "tell me what you think" (my friend, for example, is Asian, and I think the fat-women-as-public-property thing is real) so that everyone can't stop themselves from telling you so. And maybe c) "OMG that eyeliner, teach me how to do my makeup!!!" is socially unacceptable.
posted by athirstforsalt at 6:43 PM on July 9, 2019

I’m another person who has never been able to cultivate a "look", so I'm especially blown away by people who invent a unique and arresting aesthetic - as a stranger, it would be too awkward to compliment them but the impulse is still there.
posted by bonobothegreat at 6:47 PM on July 9, 2019

I'm a guy, so I rarely tell strangers they're pretty because it seems objectifying and I don't want to give the impression that a woman is there for me to look at. But I think to myself that women are pretty all the time, and it's usually because they're pretty in a way that isn't conventional, and I want to (telepathically) encourage them to keep up what they're doing. With overweight women, there's such a stigma that fat girls can't be pretty, and even though it's blatantly untrue, a lot of people internalize it and have self-esteem issues even though they're objectively gorgeous. If I were to ever compliment a stranger on her appearance, it would be for this reason - to counteract potential self-esteem issues.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:32 PM on July 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

I'm a fat woman, and the equivalent of this happens to me. Like you, I wear a distinct look, a big part of which is a kind of embodied "fuck your narrow standard of beauty"

I've come to read those comments as, "wow, you're beautiful in a way I didn't know people could be." Not in a mean way but just kind of amazed at the overall impression I strike.
posted by spindrifter at 7:47 PM on July 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

I am a fat woman who this happens to if I bother to dress up, and happened a lot to me when I was a waitress. I can't tell you why they do it, but I can validate your feeling suspicious. I usually feel that way too, when it happens. Like I'm the object of their little act of enlightenment for the day. Am I reading too much into it? Don't know. But, I can relate.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 7:57 PM on July 9, 2019

Your profile links to your Instagram where total strangers compliment you. Why would the “real world” be any different?
posted by Ideefixe at 8:09 PM on July 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

Also looking at your Instagram: you have dimples, and and as a fellow dimples-haver, they can make certain people go nuts, and they sometimes don’t even know why.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:16 AM on July 10, 2019 [7 favorites]

(And yeah, you would definitely be a recipient of compliments from me if I ran into you on the street because of your style.)
posted by ocherdraco at 6:17 AM on July 10, 2019

I peeked at your Instagram, and was taken with the fact that you have utterly flawless skin. That's a thing I definitely notice about people, but it's also a really hard thing to compliment someone one without sounding super-creepy. ("I like your...skin." Just ... no.) So maybe that's part of it as well?
posted by pixiecrinkle at 10:47 AM on July 10, 2019

In my experience as a fat lady, I see a noted uptick in stranger-compliments when my presentation is 1) unusual in some way 2) bold/noticeable/eye-catching 3) obviously deliberate. Additionally, the more queer-coded, especially with regards to haircut, the more likely I am to get "I love your hair" from other women with similar signifiers. It's almost like a secret handshake - "I know you might get flack for that from jerks but you are rocking it!"

In my experience it's more likely to be "your hair" or "that outfit" or "your look" than a general "pretty", though. Possibly you just run into a lot of people who aren't very creative with their compliments?

I did have one lady I know a little from work tell me "I wish I was brave enough to wear bright colors like you do." That made me a little sad. Like, you are a grown up human! ROCK THAT MAGENTA OR WHATEVER.
posted by oblique red at 10:29 AM on July 11, 2019 [1 favorite]

Well, personally, I realized the other day that to me, plump women are equally as attractive as thin ones. (No, wait - more? More attractive, that's what I mean). It really made me stop and think about my own life long, nagging desire to be thinner. Isn't it wonderful that people of all body sizes can be beautiful and sexy? If you are being complimented a lot, maybe people are attracted to you. So hooray!
posted by karmachameleon at 2:27 AM on July 12, 2019

Response by poster: Thanks, all! Your perspectives have helped me make peace with this phenomenon. No one gets best answer because everyone gets best answer. Yay!
posted by ferociouskitty at 11:46 AM on July 12, 2019 [2 favorites]