Strategies for heatbreak and learning to be alone
June 24, 2019 11:24 AM Subscribe
I got broken up with in a way that makes the entire situation feel very unresolved and confusing. How can I move on?
A while ago, I asked this question. The answer to my question turned out to be that he was losing interest in me. I tried to bring it up to him and he denied it. He would always deny that something was wrong. But my feelings were right and I was not just going crazy.
He said he just lost his feelings. He said that there are things that are super important to him that I'm not interested in (i.e. video games and other nerdy stuff), that he's ready to settle down and I'm still a college kid (I'm a 26-year-old graduate student at a university and I'm one of the top students in my program, not to brag but it's the truth so), that he can't handle the fact that we may need to go long-distance temporarily during my internship(s) (the 2 internships are three months each, almost a year apart, and they don't start until next spring). Overall, he said he didn't love me anymore, in so many words. I asked and he nodded without looking at me.
I'm heartbroken. It wasn't a long relationship; only 5 months. Yet we fell into it quickly. He told me he loved me. It was never toxic; he was kind and supportive and he treated me well until he started pulling away. He really, really seemed to love me a lot. He fell fast and hard. I fell slower but once I let myself fall for him I fell all the way, and now I just don't understand how he went from 100 to 0 so quickly. I let myself get my hopes up about this one because it seemed so good. Then he slowly withdrew all of his signs of affection and love, denied that something was wrong, then broke up with me without trying to work it out first. I'm so confused and I badly want closure that I'm not sure he can give me. He said I could reach out to him if I had any more questions. First I asked if he could please mail any miscellaneous items of mine, which I know are still at his house. Then I asked, perhaps against my better judgment, if he could please give me any more clarity on what happened and why we couldn't work it out sooner. He has not replied to either, even the text about my stuff, which stinks because I don't know how I'm supposed to get it back.
Sigh. Anyway. Here's the point. I fell into this fast and hard and now I'm hurt and confused. I kind of lost myself in it. I always went to him, and I sat there waiting while he played his games. I cut back on some of the things I really love doing that are important to me. I think I need to take some time to be alone, to really be happy with myself and my life before I date again. The problem, I don't really like being alone all that much. Sometimes I do; I definitely need my alone time, but overall I am someone who really loves having a person by me. I crave that closeness with people. I crave touch really, really badly. I have friends; I have close friends, but there is something about the closeness and intimacy of a steady relationship that I really want for myself. Yet online dating makes me fucking miserable and distracts from school, which is highly demanding.
And I'm not in a headspace to be dating either way, even before the breakup. I was drinking a little too much, and I had a couple hookups, which I don't regret but I also don't think were healthy for me, given that I was drunk and impulsive and frankly just.... really wanted that touch from someone. I think that's part of why I fell into this so quickly. I want to get into a better headspace for my own sake.
How do you get more comfortable being alone when you don't love being single? have friends, I'm going to join a meetup and sign up (finally) for this community yoga class I've been wanting to take. I'm making a conscious effort to see friends frequently while I go through this. I may join a hiking group. I'm exercising and try to get outside. I have a therapist. And it's helping! It's really helping. Yet the loneliness still hits. There will still be times when my friends are busy and I need to spend a night at home by myself and it just.... it's gonna hurt. Is there anything else I can do?
Also, heartbreak. In my other relationships, I felt like we at least gave it a fighting chance before it ended. This one pulled the rug from under me. All I want is to talk to him more, to get closure. I also want to shake him for giving up on this before we even tried to address what was happening. Yet, he fell out of love with me, if he even loved me in the first place. He literally started leaning away from me whenever we were together. I don't know if I can change that. What are your best strategies for heartbreak?
I'm also so afraid that I'll never meet someone. Other people seem to just fall into these relationships easily. I don't. My longest relationship was a year, which isn't that long at all. I'm afraid this just isn't going to happen for me. I'm 26 and probably being irrational.... right? Am I catastrophizing here? I just don't want to end up alone, which isn't a healthy headspace to be in when dating, which is why I need this time off.
Thanks in advance.
A while ago, I asked this question. The answer to my question turned out to be that he was losing interest in me. I tried to bring it up to him and he denied it. He would always deny that something was wrong. But my feelings were right and I was not just going crazy.
He said he just lost his feelings. He said that there are things that are super important to him that I'm not interested in (i.e. video games and other nerdy stuff), that he's ready to settle down and I'm still a college kid (I'm a 26-year-old graduate student at a university and I'm one of the top students in my program, not to brag but it's the truth so), that he can't handle the fact that we may need to go long-distance temporarily during my internship(s) (the 2 internships are three months each, almost a year apart, and they don't start until next spring). Overall, he said he didn't love me anymore, in so many words. I asked and he nodded without looking at me.
I'm heartbroken. It wasn't a long relationship; only 5 months. Yet we fell into it quickly. He told me he loved me. It was never toxic; he was kind and supportive and he treated me well until he started pulling away. He really, really seemed to love me a lot. He fell fast and hard. I fell slower but once I let myself fall for him I fell all the way, and now I just don't understand how he went from 100 to 0 so quickly. I let myself get my hopes up about this one because it seemed so good. Then he slowly withdrew all of his signs of affection and love, denied that something was wrong, then broke up with me without trying to work it out first. I'm so confused and I badly want closure that I'm not sure he can give me. He said I could reach out to him if I had any more questions. First I asked if he could please mail any miscellaneous items of mine, which I know are still at his house. Then I asked, perhaps against my better judgment, if he could please give me any more clarity on what happened and why we couldn't work it out sooner. He has not replied to either, even the text about my stuff, which stinks because I don't know how I'm supposed to get it back.
Sigh. Anyway. Here's the point. I fell into this fast and hard and now I'm hurt and confused. I kind of lost myself in it. I always went to him, and I sat there waiting while he played his games. I cut back on some of the things I really love doing that are important to me. I think I need to take some time to be alone, to really be happy with myself and my life before I date again. The problem, I don't really like being alone all that much. Sometimes I do; I definitely need my alone time, but overall I am someone who really loves having a person by me. I crave that closeness with people. I crave touch really, really badly. I have friends; I have close friends, but there is something about the closeness and intimacy of a steady relationship that I really want for myself. Yet online dating makes me fucking miserable and distracts from school, which is highly demanding.
And I'm not in a headspace to be dating either way, even before the breakup. I was drinking a little too much, and I had a couple hookups, which I don't regret but I also don't think were healthy for me, given that I was drunk and impulsive and frankly just.... really wanted that touch from someone. I think that's part of why I fell into this so quickly. I want to get into a better headspace for my own sake.
How do you get more comfortable being alone when you don't love being single? have friends, I'm going to join a meetup and sign up (finally) for this community yoga class I've been wanting to take. I'm making a conscious effort to see friends frequently while I go through this. I may join a hiking group. I'm exercising and try to get outside. I have a therapist. And it's helping! It's really helping. Yet the loneliness still hits. There will still be times when my friends are busy and I need to spend a night at home by myself and it just.... it's gonna hurt. Is there anything else I can do?
Also, heartbreak. In my other relationships, I felt like we at least gave it a fighting chance before it ended. This one pulled the rug from under me. All I want is to talk to him more, to get closure. I also want to shake him for giving up on this before we even tried to address what was happening. Yet, he fell out of love with me, if he even loved me in the first place. He literally started leaning away from me whenever we were together. I don't know if I can change that. What are your best strategies for heartbreak?
I'm also so afraid that I'll never meet someone. Other people seem to just fall into these relationships easily. I don't. My longest relationship was a year, which isn't that long at all. I'm afraid this just isn't going to happen for me. I'm 26 and probably being irrational.... right? Am I catastrophizing here? I just don't want to end up alone, which isn't a healthy headspace to be in when dating, which is why I need this time off.
Thanks in advance.
I'm very sorry you're going through this. It is important to allow yourself to feel fully that yes it IS really painful to have your hopes dashed -- it really feels like a catastrophe to the heart -- but in no way predicts your future happiness. Not at 26 (and not at 46 either. )
I'm twice your age and this is what i wish I knew at 26: when one of these relationships ends so confusingly, and the person pulling away doesn't want to work on it, after saying they love you and seeming totally all in, often the best way to see it (for me) is that they have an avoidant attachment style. So it's a comfort to know there is nothing you can do to make this relationship better for someone who is avoidant; the more serious it gets, the more they feel engulfed and need to pull away. They typically jump right in and then find reasons to back out that make no sense to the more securely attached partner. Read the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. A lot of people I know have found it a game changer. Best of luck to you, and remember, this is NOT a sign that "it won't happen" for you!!
posted by nantucket at 11:46 AM on June 24, 2019 [16 favorites]
I'm twice your age and this is what i wish I knew at 26: when one of these relationships ends so confusingly, and the person pulling away doesn't want to work on it, after saying they love you and seeming totally all in, often the best way to see it (for me) is that they have an avoidant attachment style. So it's a comfort to know there is nothing you can do to make this relationship better for someone who is avoidant; the more serious it gets, the more they feel engulfed and need to pull away. They typically jump right in and then find reasons to back out that make no sense to the more securely attached partner. Read the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. A lot of people I know have found it a game changer. Best of luck to you, and remember, this is NOT a sign that "it won't happen" for you!!
posted by nantucket at 11:46 AM on June 24, 2019 [16 favorites]
There is no best strategy except to trust that time will heal it, which it absolutely, 100% will.
Everything you're feeling is normal. Even that fear of ending up alone. We all feel that way when something ends and we all feel heartbroken and pissed off when someone dumps us -- even if we weren't all that crazy about them in the first place!
I'm annoyed on your behalf that he can't even be arsed to mail your stuff, but I kind of get it: packaging up bulky items and getting them to the mail store or post office during their open hours can actually be a pretty big logistical hurdle. Tell him you need to come by and get your stuff this week, ask him when he'll be home or otherwise have it available for you.
Guy fell out of love with you. That "hard and fast" thing, you know, it's a cliche' that it can signal a brief infatuation rather than an enduring relationship that comes from deeply knowing the other person.
You'll be fine. Take care of yourself and don't be mad at yourself for hurting. It hurts, then it heals, it'll be ok.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:47 AM on June 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
Everything you're feeling is normal. Even that fear of ending up alone. We all feel that way when something ends and we all feel heartbroken and pissed off when someone dumps us -- even if we weren't all that crazy about them in the first place!
I'm annoyed on your behalf that he can't even be arsed to mail your stuff, but I kind of get it: packaging up bulky items and getting them to the mail store or post office during their open hours can actually be a pretty big logistical hurdle. Tell him you need to come by and get your stuff this week, ask him when he'll be home or otherwise have it available for you.
Guy fell out of love with you. That "hard and fast" thing, you know, it's a cliche' that it can signal a brief infatuation rather than an enduring relationship that comes from deeply knowing the other person.
You'll be fine. Take care of yourself and don't be mad at yourself for hurting. It hurts, then it heals, it'll be ok.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:47 AM on June 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
First of all, I would say that you have all the materials for closure. He’s told you that he doesn’t have feelings for you anymore, and you broke up. There’s nothing to work out—it only takes one person to decide that the relationship isn’t working, and not being interested anymore is a totally valid reason for that. There’s no benefit in trying to pin down whether that is The Truth, or if he didn’t give you enough of a chance, or whatever. The relationship is over. That’s closure. If he figured out after a few months that it wasn’t working out for him, well, that’s actually good. Giving the relationship more time wasn’t going to change the outcome, and it’s better to just end it and get a clean slate. It might not feel like a blessing right now, but this is what you have.
I think there’s a lot here about your insecurity about being alone that bears more investigation than anyone can give you in an Ask. You obviously feel tremendously worried about being permanently single, and you value being in a relationship for the companionship that it provides, but of course the kicker is that nobody can force another into a relationship.
I would recommend doing some work to figure out what is so frightening to you about the prospect of being single, and trying to get more comfortable with that, so that at the very least you don’t find yourself in a terrible relationship because that’s what was available.
As far as dealing with this breakup in particular, there’s a lot to be said for changing your routine so that you’re not doing the same things at the same times that you associated with the relationship. Go to the gym at a different time for a while, listen to different music, block their social media so that you’re not reminded of them, the usual stuff. Pretty soon the part that was “both of you” will be fully “you” again.
posted by Autumnheart at 11:53 AM on June 24, 2019 [9 favorites]
I think there’s a lot here about your insecurity about being alone that bears more investigation than anyone can give you in an Ask. You obviously feel tremendously worried about being permanently single, and you value being in a relationship for the companionship that it provides, but of course the kicker is that nobody can force another into a relationship.
I would recommend doing some work to figure out what is so frightening to you about the prospect of being single, and trying to get more comfortable with that, so that at the very least you don’t find yourself in a terrible relationship because that’s what was available.
As far as dealing with this breakup in particular, there’s a lot to be said for changing your routine so that you’re not doing the same things at the same times that you associated with the relationship. Go to the gym at a different time for a while, listen to different music, block their social media so that you’re not reminded of them, the usual stuff. Pretty soon the part that was “both of you” will be fully “you” again.
posted by Autumnheart at 11:53 AM on June 24, 2019 [9 favorites]
Being with someone isn't synonymous with the following "I kind of lost myself in it. I always went to him, and I sat there waiting while he played his games. I cut back on some of the things I really love doing that are important to me"
Figure out why you were so willing to settle and make yourself small for someone who wasn't interested enough in YOU. It sounds like this guy wanted a mirror and stopped having feelings for you because, despite you making yourself so small in order to accommodate him, you still weren't enough like him for him to stay interested. He wasn't a good partner - he's selfish and immature.
I think you're very much catastrophizing. There's so much road ahead of you. Don't measure your relationship success by how long you've been with someone. In fact, staying with someone who isn't treating you well or with whom you're not growing and thriving is no measure of success. Go do the things you love and find someone who deeply respects you and appreciates you. Don't settle for someone who just wants you as an ornament who has no interests or accomplishments of her own. Make your life so good that you'll only share it with someone who makes it better. Good luck and I hope that you start to see that you dodged a bullet with this guy.
posted by quince at 12:23 PM on June 24, 2019 [16 favorites]
Figure out why you were so willing to settle and make yourself small for someone who wasn't interested enough in YOU. It sounds like this guy wanted a mirror and stopped having feelings for you because, despite you making yourself so small in order to accommodate him, you still weren't enough like him for him to stay interested. He wasn't a good partner - he's selfish and immature.
I think you're very much catastrophizing. There's so much road ahead of you. Don't measure your relationship success by how long you've been with someone. In fact, staying with someone who isn't treating you well or with whom you're not growing and thriving is no measure of success. Go do the things you love and find someone who deeply respects you and appreciates you. Don't settle for someone who just wants you as an ornament who has no interests or accomplishments of her own. Make your life so good that you'll only share it with someone who makes it better. Good luck and I hope that you start to see that you dodged a bullet with this guy.
posted by quince at 12:23 PM on June 24, 2019 [16 favorites]
On your previous post I said that your anxiety was coming through pretty loud and clear, and I think it is the same here. You chase him, you give up the stuff you like etc. I'm sorry but that's not a great way to build a healthy relationship, no matter how much you insist it was never toxic.
This guy cannot give you closure, as other people have said, closure is a myth. It comes with time and working things out for yourself, not from some magic words spoken by another person. And he has been clear: he doesn't have feelings for you anymore. That is enough reason for him to break up with you and does not require further explanation.
"I'm also so afraid that I'll never meet someone. Other people seem to just fall into these relationships easily. I don't. My longest relationship was a year, which isn't that long at all. I'm afraid this just isn't going to happen for me". You need to sort out these feelings before you go diving into another relationship (as you've acknowledged). Yes, you are catastrophising, but the fact is that if you don't work this stuff out you are less likely to wind up in a healthy relationship in the long run. You are still so young, now is the time for you to work this out.
Also, I was you at 25, thinking that I'd never find someone and was broken after a short term relationship ended. It took a few years of counselling and then going on meds for anxiety but at 33 I am much, much better and have been happily married for a few years now. If that is what you want, and it sounds like it is, you can totally get it, but you do have to address these problems. There is no way I would have been able to recognise my husband for the person he is if I hadn't sought help earlier in my life.
posted by thereader at 12:25 PM on June 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
This guy cannot give you closure, as other people have said, closure is a myth. It comes with time and working things out for yourself, not from some magic words spoken by another person. And he has been clear: he doesn't have feelings for you anymore. That is enough reason for him to break up with you and does not require further explanation.
"I'm also so afraid that I'll never meet someone. Other people seem to just fall into these relationships easily. I don't. My longest relationship was a year, which isn't that long at all. I'm afraid this just isn't going to happen for me". You need to sort out these feelings before you go diving into another relationship (as you've acknowledged). Yes, you are catastrophising, but the fact is that if you don't work this stuff out you are less likely to wind up in a healthy relationship in the long run. You are still so young, now is the time for you to work this out.
Also, I was you at 25, thinking that I'd never find someone and was broken after a short term relationship ended. It took a few years of counselling and then going on meds for anxiety but at 33 I am much, much better and have been happily married for a few years now. If that is what you want, and it sounds like it is, you can totally get it, but you do have to address these problems. There is no way I would have been able to recognise my husband for the person he is if I hadn't sought help earlier in my life.
posted by thereader at 12:25 PM on June 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
I had a couple hookups, which I don't regret but I also don't think were healthy for me, given that I was drunk and impulsive and frankly just.... really wanted that touch from someone.
If they were bad for your mental health, then of course they weren't healthy for you, but if you just have the IDEA that they weren't healthy because they were impulsive and not intended to lead to a relationship, you might want to reconsider. Casual sex has totally saved my sanity when I've been single because they provided touch (as well as orgasms).
You need to sort out these feelings before you go diving into another relationship (as you've acknowledged). Yes, you are catastrophising, but the fact is that if you don't work this stuff out you are less likely to wind up in a healthy relationship in the long run.
I disagree that people need to "fix themselves" before getting into relationships; if this were true and widely followed, most people would never date. I also don't think that people need to be content/ happy about not being in romantic relationships... it's very difficult to get the intimacy and human contact we need without them, particularly in a society that undervalues platonic relationships. But since it sounds like something you want to be working on, I'd focus on doing things that make you feel empowered to live alone. Depending on what that means to you, it could include fostering animals, learning to build stuff, learning to cook delicious food for yourself efficiently, strength training, etc...
posted by metasarah at 12:50 PM on June 24, 2019 [13 favorites]
If they were bad for your mental health, then of course they weren't healthy for you, but if you just have the IDEA that they weren't healthy because they were impulsive and not intended to lead to a relationship, you might want to reconsider. Casual sex has totally saved my sanity when I've been single because they provided touch (as well as orgasms).
You need to sort out these feelings before you go diving into another relationship (as you've acknowledged). Yes, you are catastrophising, but the fact is that if you don't work this stuff out you are less likely to wind up in a healthy relationship in the long run.
I disagree that people need to "fix themselves" before getting into relationships; if this were true and widely followed, most people would never date. I also don't think that people need to be content/ happy about not being in romantic relationships... it's very difficult to get the intimacy and human contact we need without them, particularly in a society that undervalues platonic relationships. But since it sounds like something you want to be working on, I'd focus on doing things that make you feel empowered to live alone. Depending on what that means to you, it could include fostering animals, learning to build stuff, learning to cook delicious food for yourself efficiently, strength training, etc...
posted by metasarah at 12:50 PM on June 24, 2019 [13 favorites]
I said it in the other question, and someone else said it here, and I'll repeat it: the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment is so incredibly relevant to your question and understanding this relationship. I think you will soak it in. It's great that you are working with a therapist, because you will be able to discuss these things with her. It has chapters on understanding your attachment style and your partner's, and it has great advice on how to know if someone is a good potential partner, and how to move on from break ups.
As I said in the other question, your ex probably has an avoidant attachment style, which means that early in the relationship, before there are too many expectations, may be the only time he can really experience intimacy because ultimately he's scared of intimacy. He likely doesn't know or understand this either. The reasons he gave -- wanting to settle down, worried about the time you'll be away -- I wouldn't focus too much on that because he likely doesn't have great insight into why his feelings waned.
What you want -- to be in a relationship and be loved -- is healthy and normal. Don't feel ashamed of that, or that you somehow have to work every single one of your issues before you can be in a relationship again. Forgive yourself, okay? You tried to make it work, and you asked for what you needed. Those are good things. It still didn't work out. That's not a failing on your part.
It's not a big deal that your longest relationship has only been one year. That seems normal for your age. Don't go looking for reasons to beat yourself up over this. This relationship ending now is ultimately better because it was crazy-making for you.
A few things I've found that can really help with a break up: exercise, journaling, spending time with friends, and, sometimes, going out on a few dates (that last one sounds like it's off the table for you now, but it can be helpful when you're ready). Also, there are break up apps you might look into. I used one called Mend. The first week is free. I found it quite helpful.
Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:50 PM on June 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
As I said in the other question, your ex probably has an avoidant attachment style, which means that early in the relationship, before there are too many expectations, may be the only time he can really experience intimacy because ultimately he's scared of intimacy. He likely doesn't know or understand this either. The reasons he gave -- wanting to settle down, worried about the time you'll be away -- I wouldn't focus too much on that because he likely doesn't have great insight into why his feelings waned.
What you want -- to be in a relationship and be loved -- is healthy and normal. Don't feel ashamed of that, or that you somehow have to work every single one of your issues before you can be in a relationship again. Forgive yourself, okay? You tried to make it work, and you asked for what you needed. Those are good things. It still didn't work out. That's not a failing on your part.
It's not a big deal that your longest relationship has only been one year. That seems normal for your age. Don't go looking for reasons to beat yourself up over this. This relationship ending now is ultimately better because it was crazy-making for you.
A few things I've found that can really help with a break up: exercise, journaling, spending time with friends, and, sometimes, going out on a few dates (that last one sounds like it's off the table for you now, but it can be helpful when you're ready). Also, there are break up apps you might look into. I used one called Mend. The first week is free. I found it quite helpful.
Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:50 PM on June 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
Oh man, hello fellow high-achieving overthinker :) Here are some things people probably tried to tell me when I was 26 and recently heartbroken, but to which I did not listen, and instead chose to spend my late 20s crashing around and freaking out.
1) Literally 100% of people who break up in their mid-20s are afraid they will die alone never having touched another human again.
2) Almost all of them are wrong about that.
3) Being a high-achieving overthinker you would like a Strategy that you can Implement and Optimize to Resolve Issue: Heartache and Blues. No such strategy exists.
4) The good news is you do not need a Strategy to be single. You just...are. Every morning you wake up and do your normal shit and you are single. And repeat. This is not a fixer. You achieve it literally by doing nothing whatever differently.
5) Now, yes, there are Strategies for feeling a little better through a heartbreak. People have detailed these above, pretty well.
Now, this is probably basically the worst-sounding news ever, because I've just told you to wake up in the morning and eat breakfast and breathe in and out and go to your classes and write your papers and take showers and go to bed and you're like DUH, but that's all there is to it. Because singleness isn't a problem to be solved, it's a condition to be lived. At some point you will most likely find that you have met someone who causes you to desire a change to this condition, but that won't mean you've Solved Singlehood. It will mean you've changed your condition.
Signed, an Old who used to fear dying alone, met people anyway, and now feels kind of sanguine about the idea that she'll probably die alone anyway, because women live too fucking long, and men are impossible.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:22 PM on June 24, 2019 [29 favorites]
1) Literally 100% of people who break up in their mid-20s are afraid they will die alone never having touched another human again.
2) Almost all of them are wrong about that.
3) Being a high-achieving overthinker you would like a Strategy that you can Implement and Optimize to Resolve Issue: Heartache and Blues. No such strategy exists.
4) The good news is you do not need a Strategy to be single. You just...are. Every morning you wake up and do your normal shit and you are single. And repeat. This is not a fixer. You achieve it literally by doing nothing whatever differently.
5) Now, yes, there are Strategies for feeling a little better through a heartbreak. People have detailed these above, pretty well.
Now, this is probably basically the worst-sounding news ever, because I've just told you to wake up in the morning and eat breakfast and breathe in and out and go to your classes and write your papers and take showers and go to bed and you're like DUH, but that's all there is to it. Because singleness isn't a problem to be solved, it's a condition to be lived. At some point you will most likely find that you have met someone who causes you to desire a change to this condition, but that won't mean you've Solved Singlehood. It will mean you've changed your condition.
Signed, an Old who used to fear dying alone, met people anyway, and now feels kind of sanguine about the idea that she'll probably die alone anyway, because women live too fucking long, and men are impossible.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:22 PM on June 24, 2019 [29 favorites]
The inimitable Daniel Mallory Ortberg once said something on the Dear Prudence advice podcast that resonated with me, so much so that I transcribed it and have referred to it repeatedly since then:
And sometimes people do bewildering things. Sometimes people will pull out the rug from under you. They will, like, pull you along on this, like, crash course toward intimacy, and then, all of a sudden, jump away. And it will feel bewildering and confusing and you will not know why. And you will think, there has to be a really good reason. And sometimes there is not a really good reason. And all you have to do is say, this person, like, really barreled us toward commitment and intimacy, and then changed their mind; I may never know why, but I do know that I don't want to be treated like that. That is sufficient information. I have to end this relationship, and I'm just not going to get a good enough answer that explains, well, why did you do all these things if you didn't think you wanted to be with me? Who knows. The human heart is a terrible mystery. It's garbage. It's other stuff too, but there's garbage in it.
-- Daniel Mallory Ortberg, Dear Prudence podcast, May 9, 2016
posted by flod at 1:55 PM on June 24, 2019 [33 favorites]
And sometimes people do bewildering things. Sometimes people will pull out the rug from under you. They will, like, pull you along on this, like, crash course toward intimacy, and then, all of a sudden, jump away. And it will feel bewildering and confusing and you will not know why. And you will think, there has to be a really good reason. And sometimes there is not a really good reason. And all you have to do is say, this person, like, really barreled us toward commitment and intimacy, and then changed their mind; I may never know why, but I do know that I don't want to be treated like that. That is sufficient information. I have to end this relationship, and I'm just not going to get a good enough answer that explains, well, why did you do all these things if you didn't think you wanted to be with me? Who knows. The human heart is a terrible mystery. It's garbage. It's other stuff too, but there's garbage in it.
-- Daniel Mallory Ortberg, Dear Prudence podcast, May 9, 2016
posted by flod at 1:55 PM on June 24, 2019 [33 favorites]
To help turn this heartbreak around, I think it's helpful to cast his actions in terms of your regard for him during the best of times.
This man earned your trust. So trust him... trust his determination that it wouldn't work. It's sad, but now you can feel gratitude to him for setting you free to find a relationship that will work.
This man earned your care. It hurts, but you can still feel care for him... because you would not want someone for whom you care to be in a relationship that wasn't what he needed. It's sad, but by letting go you let someone you you want the best for to find that for himself.
It's really too bad, but you can honor the end of this relationship as of a piece with the best of it.
posted by carmicha at 2:39 PM on June 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
This man earned your trust. So trust him... trust his determination that it wouldn't work. It's sad, but now you can feel gratitude to him for setting you free to find a relationship that will work.
This man earned your care. It hurts, but you can still feel care for him... because you would not want someone for whom you care to be in a relationship that wasn't what he needed. It's sad, but by letting go you let someone you you want the best for to find that for himself.
It's really too bad, but you can honor the end of this relationship as of a piece with the best of it.
posted by carmicha at 2:39 PM on June 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
Hi there. First of all, a big hug from a stranger with whom you have a lot in common. I'm about 5 months into an 11 year marriage that ended just as abruptly, and against my wishes. This relationship changed be, for better or worse, from an independent loner to someone who knows wholeheartedly that the experience of closeness from an intimate relationship is possibly the most important and valued part of the experiences I'm capable of in life. I'm not much ahead of you in terms of lessons learned, but I am happy to let you know what is helping me--slowly but surely.
How do you get more comfortable being alone when you don't love being single?
You've probably heard or read that this is going to be tough, and that the only way out of these feelings is to go through them. Like grief, heartache can make us focus on the good things that we miss rather than the bad things that made us feel low in the relationship. When I'm at my loneliest, I find that I must (*must*) take the opportunity to take off my reflexive rose-colored glasses. You'll hear this called "reappraisal" in therapy, and you might want to ask your therapist about it. There are all sorts of reappraisal techniques, and they aren't all comfortable. There's a particular kind of "negative reappraisal," for instance, in which you counter your heartfelt longing for this guy with a rote reminder-to-self of the ways he made you feel bad. Over time, this can help you get through the tough moments while you adjust to not having him around.
That can feel bad, though, so it's important to direct some of your attention to recognizing what it is that makes you so special. Use that alone time to give some dedicated focus to improving your self-knowledge. It's not your fault that you feel bad and lonely--there's information in there that will help you know yourself even better, and that will serve your future relationships. I've gone through this list of questions several times over the last few months, writing out answers longhand and really thinking about my values, my peccadilloes, my sense of meaning. After a breakup, it can be hard to grasp these things in the middle of the confusion. But please do recognize that time to yourself is important right now for that very reason. You're disoriented. Orient yourself again, but with reference to your own internal observer.
And, yes, please do keep finding time to spend with friends and family. It's completely ok for you to need their company and compassion right now. Just being able to have friends and family around who want to listen and help is such a good thing--it's a sign that you build strong, loving, trusting relationships. Remind yourself of that as often as you can. People around you love you and want you to be genuinely happy, and they feel that way because you are a good person who they know and respect and care for.
All I want is to talk to him more, to get closure.
Closure rarely feels like what we imagine it should feel like. I was helpfully introduced to the concept of "ambiguous loss" from helpful mefites when I asked about my own breakup a couple months ago. It's good to look into, and good to talk about with your therapist. Someone made a big post about it last month.
I just don't want to end up alone, which isn't a healthy headspace to be in when dating, which is why I need this time off.
By all means, take the time you need to feel ready again, but take note: not everyone needs to take a long time to look for companionship. I've been hooking up and trying to meet people for a couple of months, largely for the reasons you mention--there's a feeling of intimacy that comes with romantic interest that is very important to me. I'm pretty up front about this when I'm hooking up. And, honestly, I've met a few people this way who've become confidants. Maybe even lovers. Maybe even good friends. I'm not at the point that I feel like I can start a serious relationship, but I'm taking steps in that direction. It feels... good? Strange, but good.
I'm also so afraid that I'll never meet someone.
As irrational as this may be, it's also completely legitimate and a pretty common part of the human condition. It's important that you're aware of this feeling. To my earlier point, you sound like someone who is capable of forming strong relationships, and it shows in that you have friends and family who love you and are there for you when they can be. Not everyone is capable of forming relationships like that. Not everyone feels relationships as strongly and genuinely as you do. That fact that you feel this loss so potently is a sign that you are capable of finding great, great heights in relationships in the future. And, again, not everyone can say that. my therapist points out to me often how many of his clients come to therapy because they can't feel much. Because they don't know how to feel strongly about other people. Celebrate that you are an empathetic, feeling, loving person.
I fell into this fast and hard and now I'm hurt and confused. I kind of lost myself in it.
In recognizing that you are capable of such deep feeling, also know that you may be so invested in those deep feelings that you'll hand over control to your partner because you (genuinely) feel ok doing that in the moment. Use this bitter moment of hindsight to draw those moments into focus. Next time you find yourself going to a guy's place and quietly, patiently waiting for him to finish playing video games, how will you respond? Even if you don't mind doing that at all, can you look back and evaluate whether that helped or hindered this relationship? How would you handle that situation differently in a future relationship? Can you run this thought process for other scenarios, thinking specifically about opportunities to assert yourself in which you may have yielded your own needs and wants for the sake of his needs and wants? Believe me, I've been auditing my life over the last 11 years and I'm stunned at how many times I was willing to take the back seat (professionally, personally, emotionally, practically, etc.) and I know that giving up that control is part of why I feel so unprepared and lacking in resiliency now. I gave up too much. I don't want to give up that much again, even though I definitely want to find that intimate connection again (and I'm more than a decade older than you).
Lastly, we're all in this together, us deep-feelers. Fee free to message me if you ever want to chat. I'm an open book, all ears, and got plenty of stranger hugs.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:43 PM on June 24, 2019 [11 favorites]
How do you get more comfortable being alone when you don't love being single?
You've probably heard or read that this is going to be tough, and that the only way out of these feelings is to go through them. Like grief, heartache can make us focus on the good things that we miss rather than the bad things that made us feel low in the relationship. When I'm at my loneliest, I find that I must (*must*) take the opportunity to take off my reflexive rose-colored glasses. You'll hear this called "reappraisal" in therapy, and you might want to ask your therapist about it. There are all sorts of reappraisal techniques, and they aren't all comfortable. There's a particular kind of "negative reappraisal," for instance, in which you counter your heartfelt longing for this guy with a rote reminder-to-self of the ways he made you feel bad. Over time, this can help you get through the tough moments while you adjust to not having him around.
That can feel bad, though, so it's important to direct some of your attention to recognizing what it is that makes you so special. Use that alone time to give some dedicated focus to improving your self-knowledge. It's not your fault that you feel bad and lonely--there's information in there that will help you know yourself even better, and that will serve your future relationships. I've gone through this list of questions several times over the last few months, writing out answers longhand and really thinking about my values, my peccadilloes, my sense of meaning. After a breakup, it can be hard to grasp these things in the middle of the confusion. But please do recognize that time to yourself is important right now for that very reason. You're disoriented. Orient yourself again, but with reference to your own internal observer.
And, yes, please do keep finding time to spend with friends and family. It's completely ok for you to need their company and compassion right now. Just being able to have friends and family around who want to listen and help is such a good thing--it's a sign that you build strong, loving, trusting relationships. Remind yourself of that as often as you can. People around you love you and want you to be genuinely happy, and they feel that way because you are a good person who they know and respect and care for.
All I want is to talk to him more, to get closure.
Closure rarely feels like what we imagine it should feel like. I was helpfully introduced to the concept of "ambiguous loss" from helpful mefites when I asked about my own breakup a couple months ago. It's good to look into, and good to talk about with your therapist. Someone made a big post about it last month.
I just don't want to end up alone, which isn't a healthy headspace to be in when dating, which is why I need this time off.
By all means, take the time you need to feel ready again, but take note: not everyone needs to take a long time to look for companionship. I've been hooking up and trying to meet people for a couple of months, largely for the reasons you mention--there's a feeling of intimacy that comes with romantic interest that is very important to me. I'm pretty up front about this when I'm hooking up. And, honestly, I've met a few people this way who've become confidants. Maybe even lovers. Maybe even good friends. I'm not at the point that I feel like I can start a serious relationship, but I'm taking steps in that direction. It feels... good? Strange, but good.
I'm also so afraid that I'll never meet someone.
As irrational as this may be, it's also completely legitimate and a pretty common part of the human condition. It's important that you're aware of this feeling. To my earlier point, you sound like someone who is capable of forming strong relationships, and it shows in that you have friends and family who love you and are there for you when they can be. Not everyone is capable of forming relationships like that. Not everyone feels relationships as strongly and genuinely as you do. That fact that you feel this loss so potently is a sign that you are capable of finding great, great heights in relationships in the future. And, again, not everyone can say that. my therapist points out to me often how many of his clients come to therapy because they can't feel much. Because they don't know how to feel strongly about other people. Celebrate that you are an empathetic, feeling, loving person.
I fell into this fast and hard and now I'm hurt and confused. I kind of lost myself in it.
In recognizing that you are capable of such deep feeling, also know that you may be so invested in those deep feelings that you'll hand over control to your partner because you (genuinely) feel ok doing that in the moment. Use this bitter moment of hindsight to draw those moments into focus. Next time you find yourself going to a guy's place and quietly, patiently waiting for him to finish playing video games, how will you respond? Even if you don't mind doing that at all, can you look back and evaluate whether that helped or hindered this relationship? How would you handle that situation differently in a future relationship? Can you run this thought process for other scenarios, thinking specifically about opportunities to assert yourself in which you may have yielded your own needs and wants for the sake of his needs and wants? Believe me, I've been auditing my life over the last 11 years and I'm stunned at how many times I was willing to take the back seat (professionally, personally, emotionally, practically, etc.) and I know that giving up that control is part of why I feel so unprepared and lacking in resiliency now. I gave up too much. I don't want to give up that much again, even though I definitely want to find that intimate connection again (and I'm more than a decade older than you).
Lastly, we're all in this together, us deep-feelers. Fee free to message me if you ever want to chat. I'm an open book, all ears, and got plenty of stranger hugs.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:43 PM on June 24, 2019 [11 favorites]
All I want is to talk to him more, to get closure.
#1: Closure is kind of a myth.
^-THIS RIGHT HERE
There is no closure. There is forgetting. There is feeling better. There are new experiences and better times ahead. But not closure, there is no unicorn conversation that fixes this. You close this chapter of your life yourself, not with his help.
I read your last question and it sounded crappy. This question in which you're looking back with the rosiest of glasses also sounds crappy. Do you want to be living your life by the standards of "you don't like video games enough" guy??
The attachment was imbalanced, he didn't seem to value your feelings, he SAID he did but all his described actions indicated that he did not. He was warm and caring and loving when it was easy, when it suited him and it didn't even suit him for 200 lousy days.
Go forward and live a life you want; the life in front of you each morning, not the one you're afraid you won't have.
posted by French Fry at 7:56 PM on June 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
#1: Closure is kind of a myth.
^-THIS RIGHT HERE
There is no closure. There is forgetting. There is feeling better. There are new experiences and better times ahead. But not closure, there is no unicorn conversation that fixes this. You close this chapter of your life yourself, not with his help.
I read your last question and it sounded crappy. This question in which you're looking back with the rosiest of glasses also sounds crappy. Do you want to be living your life by the standards of "you don't like video games enough" guy??
The attachment was imbalanced, he didn't seem to value your feelings, he SAID he did but all his described actions indicated that he did not. He was warm and caring and loving when it was easy, when it suited him and it didn't even suit him for 200 lousy days.
Go forward and live a life you want; the life in front of you each morning, not the one you're afraid you won't have.
posted by French Fry at 7:56 PM on June 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
There’s no way to get over a breakup faster and no way to get closure. You just have to get through each day and remind yourself that eventually you won’t even think about this dude anymore.
I think one lesson you can get out of this is that if you are unhappy in a relationship, you can break up with the person. It was clear from your previous question that this guy was not meeting your emotional needs even though you’d discussed it with him repeatedly, and the relationship was making you feel anxious and unhappy. If you’re unhappy and the other person doesn’t listen or care about your feelings, end it. Otherwise, you are basically holding on to a relationship that you know isn’t working and waiting for him to do the breaking-up but anxiously hoping he won’t. That is a very destructive and painful place to be in emotionally.
posted by a strong female character at 6:31 AM on June 25, 2019 [3 favorites]
I think one lesson you can get out of this is that if you are unhappy in a relationship, you can break up with the person. It was clear from your previous question that this guy was not meeting your emotional needs even though you’d discussed it with him repeatedly, and the relationship was making you feel anxious and unhappy. If you’re unhappy and the other person doesn’t listen or care about your feelings, end it. Otherwise, you are basically holding on to a relationship that you know isn’t working and waiting for him to do the breaking-up but anxiously hoping he won’t. That is a very destructive and painful place to be in emotionally.
posted by a strong female character at 6:31 AM on June 25, 2019 [3 favorites]
You don’t want to be with someone who has made it clear that they don’t want to be with you. That’s a lesson I’ve learned myself. Breakups always feel awful no matter if you’ve been together for 5 months or 5 years. You just have to go through the process to get out of it.
It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style. You could probably do well to work with a psychotherapist who specializes in this area so that you can develop healthier relationships in the future.
posted by nerdy anthropoid at 6:55 AM on June 25, 2019
It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style. You could probably do well to work with a psychotherapist who specializes in this area so that you can develop healthier relationships in the future.
posted by nerdy anthropoid at 6:55 AM on June 25, 2019
I'm three weeks out of a breakup of a four-year relationship, and I'm still working on being okay with being alone and lonely. The best thing I have for the nights when it hits and you don't have any distractions is just to let yourself feel it completely and get it out. Then you can use these nights to look back the next time it happens and say, this feels unbearable, but I've survived it so far, and I'll survive this one, and I won't always feel this way, even short-term. Maybe I go to bed early tonight and wake up feeling at least a little better.
As far as the heartbreak and the frustration of not giving it a fighting chance, in my relationship, we tried so hard to overcome the loss of feelings on his side when it showed up a few years in because there was genuine affection there, just not romantic. We had talks and talks and talks where we both cried for hours, we broke up and got back together and had more talks, and nothing changed and we both just felt worse about everything. It wasn't completely awful having the extra time with him... but I wish we'd been more honest with ourselves that there wasn't really anything to fix. Things just change. Maybe it's because he's immature, or you were incompatible anyways, or just how things happened, or all three.
Try not to chase after him for anything. Be prepared to replace your stuff he has. Take as much space from him, socially and mentally, as you can. Do the cliche thing where you write down everything you want to say to him or ask him about or cuss him out for in a letter than you never send and do it as many times as you need. It's hurtful to be alienated from intimacy in your own relationship, and I hope you can find it elsewhere in your life. You sound remarkably capable, emotionally, and you're doing a great job taking care of yourself.
posted by gaybobbie at 11:44 AM on June 25, 2019
As far as the heartbreak and the frustration of not giving it a fighting chance, in my relationship, we tried so hard to overcome the loss of feelings on his side when it showed up a few years in because there was genuine affection there, just not romantic. We had talks and talks and talks where we both cried for hours, we broke up and got back together and had more talks, and nothing changed and we both just felt worse about everything. It wasn't completely awful having the extra time with him... but I wish we'd been more honest with ourselves that there wasn't really anything to fix. Things just change. Maybe it's because he's immature, or you were incompatible anyways, or just how things happened, or all three.
Try not to chase after him for anything. Be prepared to replace your stuff he has. Take as much space from him, socially and mentally, as you can. Do the cliche thing where you write down everything you want to say to him or ask him about or cuss him out for in a letter than you never send and do it as many times as you need. It's hurtful to be alienated from intimacy in your own relationship, and I hope you can find it elsewhere in your life. You sound remarkably capable, emotionally, and you're doing a great job taking care of yourself.
posted by gaybobbie at 11:44 AM on June 25, 2019
Hi.
Long ago, when I was around your age, maybe a little younger, this exact thing happened to me. A rather brief (also five months!), but quickly intense relationship with someone who eventually lost interest and pulled away but emphatically denied doing so until the very last minute. So I get it. It was extremely disorienting because we'd never really had a fight, and we'd never talked about any of the issues that led to the breakup until the breakup itself. I was not a mefite back then, but if I had been, I would have posted a question so much like this and your previous post. I also would have made excuses for his behavior and tried to rationalize it; I also would have focused on the good things about him, the things I'd miss.
If I could go back in time and talk to myself then, I would say the things I am going to say to you now:
1. This guy sucks. He was fading out of your relationship well in advance of being brave enough to end it, yet he denied doing so, which was torture to you.
2. The reason you fell for him so hard is he is a cipher--not necessarily that there wasn't much to him, but for whatever sucky reason he didn't give much of himself to you, which allowed you to project onto him who you hoped he'd be. That's not who he was. You miss the person you projected onto him. You don't miss him as he actually was. You didn't know him as he actually was. How come? Because five months is a very short time, especially for someone who is as busy and absent as you describe him.
3. You will find someone better. Likely, you will find someoneS better (I did. I seriously dated several people after him, and married one. And I am supremely difficult). You are very young and you have so much time and the world is full of possibilities and fascinating humans to meet and love. I remember feeling miserable and alone and like I'd never find anyone after this person dumped me. Eventually I would go on to remember him as the most boring, least attractive, least intelligent person I ever dated, and I now cringe at how I moped around for months, because he wasn't worth that. No one is worth that, but he especially wasn't worth that. In retrospect, it is deeply embarrassing and I prefer to forget it, but your post reminded me. Do not waste any more of your time on this person.
4. This is so silly, but. One thing that helped me get over my version of your person was writing down on post-it notes all the terrible things about him that I'd brushed under the rug because I looooooooved him so much (ew), and hanging them around my apartment. It really helped so much.
5. Another thing that helped was taking on a large creative project with a person in a similar situation. My also-dumped friend and I co-wrote a play. We had a great time.
posted by millipede at 2:17 PM on June 25, 2019 [9 favorites]
Long ago, when I was around your age, maybe a little younger, this exact thing happened to me. A rather brief (also five months!), but quickly intense relationship with someone who eventually lost interest and pulled away but emphatically denied doing so until the very last minute. So I get it. It was extremely disorienting because we'd never really had a fight, and we'd never talked about any of the issues that led to the breakup until the breakup itself. I was not a mefite back then, but if I had been, I would have posted a question so much like this and your previous post. I also would have made excuses for his behavior and tried to rationalize it; I also would have focused on the good things about him, the things I'd miss.
If I could go back in time and talk to myself then, I would say the things I am going to say to you now:
1. This guy sucks. He was fading out of your relationship well in advance of being brave enough to end it, yet he denied doing so, which was torture to you.
2. The reason you fell for him so hard is he is a cipher--not necessarily that there wasn't much to him, but for whatever sucky reason he didn't give much of himself to you, which allowed you to project onto him who you hoped he'd be. That's not who he was. You miss the person you projected onto him. You don't miss him as he actually was. You didn't know him as he actually was. How come? Because five months is a very short time, especially for someone who is as busy and absent as you describe him.
3. You will find someone better. Likely, you will find someoneS better (I did. I seriously dated several people after him, and married one. And I am supremely difficult). You are very young and you have so much time and the world is full of possibilities and fascinating humans to meet and love. I remember feeling miserable and alone and like I'd never find anyone after this person dumped me. Eventually I would go on to remember him as the most boring, least attractive, least intelligent person I ever dated, and I now cringe at how I moped around for months, because he wasn't worth that. No one is worth that, but he especially wasn't worth that. In retrospect, it is deeply embarrassing and I prefer to forget it, but your post reminded me. Do not waste any more of your time on this person.
4. This is so silly, but. One thing that helped me get over my version of your person was writing down on post-it notes all the terrible things about him that I'd brushed under the rug because I looooooooved him so much (ew), and hanging them around my apartment. It really helped so much.
5. Another thing that helped was taking on a large creative project with a person in a similar situation. My also-dumped friend and I co-wrote a play. We had a great time.
posted by millipede at 2:17 PM on June 25, 2019 [9 favorites]
Yes, good news, you are being irrational and catastrophizing here. Make some friends who are older than you who can tell you so. At 26, things can feel like they will be this way forever, but they won't. Think about how much you've grown and gained in the last five years. You'll be in a completely different and likely wiser and better place in the next five years. You will give fewer fucks and it will feel great.
When it's not so fresh, think about the bullet you dodged not wasting any more of your precious life with this person. Being with someone who would let you wait around while he played his video games and pull away without owning it is not the best you can do.
Right now sucks and you can do all the things that people in breakup threads recommend -- continue therapy, meditate, meet up, get outdoors, take on new projects, write him a letter you never send, read about attachment theory, make lists -- but it won't give you closure. That's just you and time.
posted by *s at 4:56 PM on June 25, 2019
When it's not so fresh, think about the bullet you dodged not wasting any more of your precious life with this person. Being with someone who would let you wait around while he played his video games and pull away without owning it is not the best you can do.
Right now sucks and you can do all the things that people in breakup threads recommend -- continue therapy, meditate, meet up, get outdoors, take on new projects, write him a letter you never send, read about attachment theory, make lists -- but it won't give you closure. That's just you and time.
posted by *s at 4:56 PM on June 25, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
Someday you'll feel ready to date again, and someday, you won't be sad (or angry) about this relationship. Because someday you'll meet someone who is SO much better, and loves you truly and deeply. And it will make you realize that this old relationship wasn't as deep and wonderful as it seemed at the time.
Yes, you're being irrational and catastrophizing. It's ok. 26 is super young, and you have a good head on your shoulders. Just trust yourself and love yourself.
posted by hydra77 at 11:46 AM on June 24, 2019 [1 favorite]