My relationship is turning me into someone I don't like
June 3, 2019 2:10 PM Subscribe
What can I do?
I have a therapist. She is referring me to a psychiatrist.... I think? Someone who can prescribe medication. I have ADHD and anxiety. I've been in therapy and on medication for the anxiety before. I'm definitely interested in getting medication for the ADHD, on the fence about medicating the anxiey because the meds caused weigh gain (pretty significant weight gain) and I'm not even sure they'll help this particular issue.
Anyway. Sorry this is insanely long. Please be kind when you reply. Also I've never asked a question about this particular man before.
I am in a new relationship and I really, really love him and I am immensely struggling with anxiety over this whole thing. Some background: he is very busy. He works probably 50 hours a week now, plus he has a couple of demanding side gigs that take up all his time. He's super introverted and really needs some time alone to recharge from how stressful his life can be. Understandable. I don't want to take away his introvert time. I am definitely more extroverted than him but I need to respect that.
I was in a previous relationship where he would, among other things, stonewall me during conflict very badly. As in, he would be sitting next to me but he would tell me he can't look at me because it hurts too badly. I would be crying and he would say nothing and wouldn't even look at me. He also had some blurry boundaries with some female friends: he had one I felt uneasy about who he ended up sexting with, then going to yoga and hanging out with. He fessed up about the sexting, but told me he wouldn't stop hanging out with her. The relationship in general started out wonderful and ended stressful and miserable. I am terrified of that happening again. I don't want those issues to inform my reaction to my current relationship. I'm not sure how much they're at play here.
Something small can happen and I spiral: he doesn't love me anymore, he found someone else, he thinks I'm annoying/not pretty or girly enough/he's sick of having me around etc etc. Some examples: Saturday was great. Saturday we went out to eat, hung out at his place, stayed up until 1am talking, then had sex. Great! He woke up first and was teasing me a bit and them made me breakfast. Great! I felt close to him and loved. Then, all day Sunday, we barely talked. I was annoyed because he was literally just sitting on the couch playing video games while I was lazing around doing nothing. Now, MIND YOU, I can entertain myself, I could have left for a bit, I can ask if he wants to do something together. And I did! I did the last bit. I asked if he wanted to run errands and he said yes and we went out for a bit. Then we came back and he plopped in front of the TV and we barely talked the rest of the night.
To be fair, I would have asked to do more, but I wasn't feeling well at all and honestly all I really would have done if I had been home was plop on the couch. So.... I'm not even sure what I want. I'm not sure why I'm so upset.
I was also very upset with him over memorial day because I had been out of town visiting a sick relative and I didn't feel like he was texting me enough. He didn't ask how the trip was until Monday, when I was driving back. I immediately felt better once he asked how it went. But the entire weekend I was very upset because I felt like he didn't care. Then, that evening, after I got back, we went to a barbecue with his family, then back to his place. I was hoping he would ask more about it but he didn't. We kind of just sat around doing our own thing. I know I can address this: I can tell him I want to talk about my weekend. He would stop what he was doing and listen. But I just.... didn't. Maybe because I thought I would start crying because it was fun but sad at the same time. I don't know. I know that's on me. I know I have to communicate and he can't read minds. I really value communication. And yet I just.... freeze up and get upset and have a very, very hard time doing it. I just sit there upset instead, which is unproductive and stupid.
I'm also struggling with jealousy. I hate this. Last night, when we weren't talking much, I saw another girl texting him on his phone. REALLY, this was completely by accident. His phone was on the table and it dinged and I saw her name. He is allowed to have female friends, to talk to other women. He seems very trustworthy and he's always where he says he'll be, as far as I can tell. I have zero reason to suspect he'd be seeing someone behind my back. I don't even know when he would do it. And yet.... I looked her up on facebook, and figured out it was someone he told me he once "almost dated". He had told me about this girl and where she works and stuff. I had no clue they were still talking. They're allowed to be friends. It's not like they ever actually dated. And yet.... it triggered all these anxieties and insecurities and spiraling in me. It just doesn't sit right.
Our relationship HAS changed. He is less affectionate than he used to be. He used to spontaneously hug and kiss me and tell me he loved me all the time. He said it first, after only a few weeks. We talked all the time. I know it's normal for this to fade after that initial rush passes, yet I miss it deeply. I miss all of his affection. We sit next to each other on the couch and he leans away from me. I don't even think he realizes he's doing it, but sometimes his body language feels like he's pushing me away and it's hard. It's really hard. It may be nothing but I feel it anyway. He also hardly ever says I love you first. I am very proactive and say it all the time. He says it back always but rarely says it first. I may not even be giving him a chance to say it. He probably forgets, but how could you forget to tell someone you love them?
I tried telling him I felt more distant from him once but he was baffled. As far as he's concerned, everything is fine. We do still talk. We do still do things together. He said that, in his mind, when we're next to each other doing our own thing we're still spending time together, and that's what he likes in a relationship. I've always wanted that too, and yet we do it and I feel weirdly rejected. I also told him I want him to be more proactive about telling me he loves me, and he did it first once and hasn't done it since. To be fair to myself, he could be more proactive about showing affection. At the LEAST, he could tell me he loves me more. And I'd like more time together doing things BESIDES watching him watch TV. I know I need to talk to him more about this, and I will.
But my anxiety is absurd. The spiraling is absurd. The insecurities are miserable. I'm not an insecure person outside of the relationship. I don't know why I'm so insecure here. I once got upset because he really hit it off with one of my friends, and I was afraid, BRIEFLY, that he would like her more because they got along so well. Fucking absurd. I shot that down quickly. I just don't know if this is pure anxiety and weird past relationship trauma or if my intuition is actually trying to tell me something. That may be the hardest part: this ongoing fear that I actually am picking up on something and I'm just suppressing those feelings. I don't know. Nothing really BAD has happened and I don't want to end this over a hunch that may just be anxiety anyway. I keep telling myself that if I'm picking up on something that will become clear with time. Nothing has emerged and the feelings remain.
We cycle. He gets busy and tired and we talk less for a day or two or maybe days, I spiral, then suddenly he's super sweet again. He's never mean when he's busy or tired; we literally just talk less. He makes me laugh less. He generally looks unhappy, which my brain then tells me is all my fault. He even told me once that when he's stressed or grumpy he just gets quiet, and yet I still spiral with it. Then suddenly he's acting super sweet and I'm fine.
I love him. He is a good, kind man who takes care of me when I'm sick, who listens to me, who makes me dinner and generally feels like he would always be there for me. He makes me laugh. I've had sex with seven other people in my life and I can honestly say that this relationship is the first time I've ever really been able to enjoy it.
I don't want to feel this way and I am afraid these problems will follow me into another relationship. I am trying therapy and maybe meds. I am going to try to be more proactive about seeing friends more. I'm a busy grad student, so taking up a new hobby just isn't happening right now. I'm going to try to meditate.
If you are a person who was like this who is now doing better, what did you do that worked?
I have a therapist. She is referring me to a psychiatrist.... I think? Someone who can prescribe medication. I have ADHD and anxiety. I've been in therapy and on medication for the anxiety before. I'm definitely interested in getting medication for the ADHD, on the fence about medicating the anxiey because the meds caused weigh gain (pretty significant weight gain) and I'm not even sure they'll help this particular issue.
Anyway. Sorry this is insanely long. Please be kind when you reply. Also I've never asked a question about this particular man before.
I am in a new relationship and I really, really love him and I am immensely struggling with anxiety over this whole thing. Some background: he is very busy. He works probably 50 hours a week now, plus he has a couple of demanding side gigs that take up all his time. He's super introverted and really needs some time alone to recharge from how stressful his life can be. Understandable. I don't want to take away his introvert time. I am definitely more extroverted than him but I need to respect that.
I was in a previous relationship where he would, among other things, stonewall me during conflict very badly. As in, he would be sitting next to me but he would tell me he can't look at me because it hurts too badly. I would be crying and he would say nothing and wouldn't even look at me. He also had some blurry boundaries with some female friends: he had one I felt uneasy about who he ended up sexting with, then going to yoga and hanging out with. He fessed up about the sexting, but told me he wouldn't stop hanging out with her. The relationship in general started out wonderful and ended stressful and miserable. I am terrified of that happening again. I don't want those issues to inform my reaction to my current relationship. I'm not sure how much they're at play here.
Something small can happen and I spiral: he doesn't love me anymore, he found someone else, he thinks I'm annoying/not pretty or girly enough/he's sick of having me around etc etc. Some examples: Saturday was great. Saturday we went out to eat, hung out at his place, stayed up until 1am talking, then had sex. Great! He woke up first and was teasing me a bit and them made me breakfast. Great! I felt close to him and loved. Then, all day Sunday, we barely talked. I was annoyed because he was literally just sitting on the couch playing video games while I was lazing around doing nothing. Now, MIND YOU, I can entertain myself, I could have left for a bit, I can ask if he wants to do something together. And I did! I did the last bit. I asked if he wanted to run errands and he said yes and we went out for a bit. Then we came back and he plopped in front of the TV and we barely talked the rest of the night.
To be fair, I would have asked to do more, but I wasn't feeling well at all and honestly all I really would have done if I had been home was plop on the couch. So.... I'm not even sure what I want. I'm not sure why I'm so upset.
I was also very upset with him over memorial day because I had been out of town visiting a sick relative and I didn't feel like he was texting me enough. He didn't ask how the trip was until Monday, when I was driving back. I immediately felt better once he asked how it went. But the entire weekend I was very upset because I felt like he didn't care. Then, that evening, after I got back, we went to a barbecue with his family, then back to his place. I was hoping he would ask more about it but he didn't. We kind of just sat around doing our own thing. I know I can address this: I can tell him I want to talk about my weekend. He would stop what he was doing and listen. But I just.... didn't. Maybe because I thought I would start crying because it was fun but sad at the same time. I don't know. I know that's on me. I know I have to communicate and he can't read minds. I really value communication. And yet I just.... freeze up and get upset and have a very, very hard time doing it. I just sit there upset instead, which is unproductive and stupid.
I'm also struggling with jealousy. I hate this. Last night, when we weren't talking much, I saw another girl texting him on his phone. REALLY, this was completely by accident. His phone was on the table and it dinged and I saw her name. He is allowed to have female friends, to talk to other women. He seems very trustworthy and he's always where he says he'll be, as far as I can tell. I have zero reason to suspect he'd be seeing someone behind my back. I don't even know when he would do it. And yet.... I looked her up on facebook, and figured out it was someone he told me he once "almost dated". He had told me about this girl and where she works and stuff. I had no clue they were still talking. They're allowed to be friends. It's not like they ever actually dated. And yet.... it triggered all these anxieties and insecurities and spiraling in me. It just doesn't sit right.
Our relationship HAS changed. He is less affectionate than he used to be. He used to spontaneously hug and kiss me and tell me he loved me all the time. He said it first, after only a few weeks. We talked all the time. I know it's normal for this to fade after that initial rush passes, yet I miss it deeply. I miss all of his affection. We sit next to each other on the couch and he leans away from me. I don't even think he realizes he's doing it, but sometimes his body language feels like he's pushing me away and it's hard. It's really hard. It may be nothing but I feel it anyway. He also hardly ever says I love you first. I am very proactive and say it all the time. He says it back always but rarely says it first. I may not even be giving him a chance to say it. He probably forgets, but how could you forget to tell someone you love them?
I tried telling him I felt more distant from him once but he was baffled. As far as he's concerned, everything is fine. We do still talk. We do still do things together. He said that, in his mind, when we're next to each other doing our own thing we're still spending time together, and that's what he likes in a relationship. I've always wanted that too, and yet we do it and I feel weirdly rejected. I also told him I want him to be more proactive about telling me he loves me, and he did it first once and hasn't done it since. To be fair to myself, he could be more proactive about showing affection. At the LEAST, he could tell me he loves me more. And I'd like more time together doing things BESIDES watching him watch TV. I know I need to talk to him more about this, and I will.
But my anxiety is absurd. The spiraling is absurd. The insecurities are miserable. I'm not an insecure person outside of the relationship. I don't know why I'm so insecure here. I once got upset because he really hit it off with one of my friends, and I was afraid, BRIEFLY, that he would like her more because they got along so well. Fucking absurd. I shot that down quickly. I just don't know if this is pure anxiety and weird past relationship trauma or if my intuition is actually trying to tell me something. That may be the hardest part: this ongoing fear that I actually am picking up on something and I'm just suppressing those feelings. I don't know. Nothing really BAD has happened and I don't want to end this over a hunch that may just be anxiety anyway. I keep telling myself that if I'm picking up on something that will become clear with time. Nothing has emerged and the feelings remain.
We cycle. He gets busy and tired and we talk less for a day or two or maybe days, I spiral, then suddenly he's super sweet again. He's never mean when he's busy or tired; we literally just talk less. He makes me laugh less. He generally looks unhappy, which my brain then tells me is all my fault. He even told me once that when he's stressed or grumpy he just gets quiet, and yet I still spiral with it. Then suddenly he's acting super sweet and I'm fine.
I love him. He is a good, kind man who takes care of me when I'm sick, who listens to me, who makes me dinner and generally feels like he would always be there for me. He makes me laugh. I've had sex with seven other people in my life and I can honestly say that this relationship is the first time I've ever really been able to enjoy it.
I don't want to feel this way and I am afraid these problems will follow me into another relationship. I am trying therapy and maybe meds. I am going to try to be more proactive about seeing friends more. I'm a busy grad student, so taking up a new hobby just isn't happening right now. I'm going to try to meditate.
If you are a person who was like this who is now doing better, what did you do that worked?
If only I could go back and tell my younger self to stop wasting time on the relationships in my life that are not fulfilling my needs....
I have been there. I don't think it's worth the 'fight' to be happy with this person. You can still love them but he's too busy for you and there seems to be communication issues (frequency, quality, etc).
There ABSOLUTELY are much more fulfilling relationships you could be devoting your energy and love towards.
posted by hillabeans at 2:30 PM on June 3, 2019 [16 favorites]
I have been there. I don't think it's worth the 'fight' to be happy with this person. You can still love them but he's too busy for you and there seems to be communication issues (frequency, quality, etc).
There ABSOLUTELY are much more fulfilling relationships you could be devoting your energy and love towards.
posted by hillabeans at 2:30 PM on June 3, 2019 [16 favorites]
It's just not supposed to be hard or sad or anxiety-provoking in the beginning, you know?
You say this is a new relationship. In the beginning is when it's the best it's going to be.
He doesn't like as much together time as you; he doesn't proactively do (anything?) to make you feel loved; he makes you feel insecure and lonely on the regular.
I don't think this is about your prior relationship. I think it's about your present one.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:00 PM on June 3, 2019 [12 favorites]
You say this is a new relationship. In the beginning is when it's the best it's going to be.
He doesn't like as much together time as you; he doesn't proactively do (anything?) to make you feel loved; he makes you feel insecure and lonely on the regular.
I don't think this is about your prior relationship. I think it's about your present one.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:00 PM on June 3, 2019 [12 favorites]
People want different amounts of attention from their partners, they want different kinds of attention, and they interpret that attention in different ways. It sounds like for you, it’s important for your partner to actually talk to you (without you having to prompt him) in order for you to feel cared for. But remember, this isn’t a universal thing—he may not care about conversation, but he values being in the same place at the same time, so he’s feeling very cared for just because you guys were alone together bumming around. (As he said, He said that, in his mind, when we're next to each other doing our own thing we're still spending time together, and that's what he likes in a relationship.) Some people think the ability to not talk comfortably is the sign of a deep connection. Someone else may feel cared for when they’re included in family events, like you were. They might never have even noticed the lack of conversation. Notice what set off your jealousy—that he was giving your preferred kind of attention to another women, just at the moment you wanted that kind of attention.
I don’t think you’ve thought through what your needs are in concrete terms, maybe because it seems to you like it’s obvious rather than a personal preference. But it’s not universal, it’s somethings that’s important to you that he might not even notice. You say So.... I'm not even sure what I want. I'm not sure why I'm so upset.
I think you need to figure that out and then talk to your partner about it when you feel calm and collected. Give him some concrete examples of what you need to feel cared for. Acknowledge that this is a personal preference and talk about what his personal preference is, and how you can both spend the time making each other feel cared for. And that probably means more time bumming around watching tv and not talking than you think is ideal, but more time texting you and talking to you than he might think is ideal.
Either way I don’t think this is irrational or just some symptom of an anxiety problem! It’s a common issue.
posted by sallybrown at 3:08 PM on June 3, 2019 [26 favorites]
I don’t think you’ve thought through what your needs are in concrete terms, maybe because it seems to you like it’s obvious rather than a personal preference. But it’s not universal, it’s somethings that’s important to you that he might not even notice. You say So.... I'm not even sure what I want. I'm not sure why I'm so upset.
I think you need to figure that out and then talk to your partner about it when you feel calm and collected. Give him some concrete examples of what you need to feel cared for. Acknowledge that this is a personal preference and talk about what his personal preference is, and how you can both spend the time making each other feel cared for. And that probably means more time bumming around watching tv and not talking than you think is ideal, but more time texting you and talking to you than he might think is ideal.
Either way I don’t think this is irrational or just some symptom of an anxiety problem! It’s a common issue.
posted by sallybrown at 3:08 PM on June 3, 2019 [26 favorites]
So—I’m not going to speak to the relationship (2 sides and all that), but I’m going to recommend a book I think almost everyone should read: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment. I think it will help you start to more fully realize what is your stuff vs what is this specific relationship stuff.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 3:13 PM on June 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by namemeansgazelle at 3:13 PM on June 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
Oh hey, I’ve been in this situation before. The problem was solved by dumping him. Because he refused to try to meet my needs for affection.
Pay attention to your insecurities and anxieties. They are telling you something is not right with the relationship. It does not matter that he feels fine. If YOU don’t feel fine, there’s a problem.
Personally I would break up with this guy because it sounds like he’s putting in the bare minimum of relationship effort as far as affection, and expecting you to be fine with that, and not listening to you when you say it’s not fine.
Your feelings are valid. You are not overreacting. Stop telling yourself that your feelings are stupid/wrong. Trust me, that doesn’t make them go away.
posted by a strong female character at 3:17 PM on June 3, 2019 [7 favorites]
Pay attention to your insecurities and anxieties. They are telling you something is not right with the relationship. It does not matter that he feels fine. If YOU don’t feel fine, there’s a problem.
Personally I would break up with this guy because it sounds like he’s putting in the bare minimum of relationship effort as far as affection, and expecting you to be fine with that, and not listening to you when you say it’s not fine.
Your feelings are valid. You are not overreacting. Stop telling yourself that your feelings are stupid/wrong. Trust me, that doesn’t make them go away.
posted by a strong female character at 3:17 PM on June 3, 2019 [7 favorites]
Hey, this sounds really tough. First of all, grad school is just ruinous for mental health in general (ask me how I know!) so it may be worth checking in with yourself about whether or not some of this anxiety is also being driven by whatever is going on in your academic life and is maybe winding up semi-displaced onto your relationship. It's great that you're reaching out to the resources you have access to for therapy/medication/etc, and you should definitely keep taking advantage of those and any other options (like campus support groups, etc).
He may not capable of meeting your emotional needs, either because he's not sufficiently mature and emotionally literate, or he just doesn't care about you enough to divert his bandwidth from other things, like work. But since it's a relatively new relationship, and it sounds like you've talked around but not directly about the main problem, I think you should give it one (1) chance where you lay this all out for him explicitly, because you care about him a lot and the sex is good (I'm taking you at your word when you say you don't have any concrete reason to suspect you're picking up on something real with respect to signs of cheating). If you haven't had a serious State of the Relationship talk yet, this is pretty much the time for it. And when you sit him down, own your insecurities and your tendency to anxiety-spiral, but also point out that you've asked him to work with you on specific things (more quality time together, more proactive I-love-yous) and he's not following up. Tell him you need him to do more to make you feel secure in the relationship, and spell out the specific kinds of reassurance you need (within reason, but it sounds like you're very self-aware about stuff like not wanting to control his friendships). It's possible that he's simply not willing or able to be a good partner for you, but it's also possible that he's sensing your anxiety and reacting by withdrawing or checking out because he's unsure what's gone wrong or doesn't know how to respond (the amount of leeway I'd grant there would depend a lot on age and previous relationship experience).
If he's willing to take active steps to improve things, it might help to have some shorthand or code words you can use to prompt each other (like a way for him to signal you: I may look unhappy but it's not your fault, I'm just tired/stressed and need introvert time; and a way for you to signal him: I'm having one of those moments where I feel anxious and can't articulate why, but I need you to do X as a gesture of reassurance that you care). If you two can agree to treat these issues as a joint problem that can be tackled together with shared tools rather than guesswork, it might help. But if he's evasive, or makes promises but doesn't show an immediate and obvious improvement on those concrete measures, this isn't going to work. And regardless of his response and actions, if you keep feeling this miserable (or really any degree of miserable!) you should end this relationship (no third and fourth chances) and keep on going to therapy and spending quality time with friends while you look for a partner who has a better intuitive sense for what you need.
posted by karayel at 3:24 PM on June 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
He may not capable of meeting your emotional needs, either because he's not sufficiently mature and emotionally literate, or he just doesn't care about you enough to divert his bandwidth from other things, like work. But since it's a relatively new relationship, and it sounds like you've talked around but not directly about the main problem, I think you should give it one (1) chance where you lay this all out for him explicitly, because you care about him a lot and the sex is good (I'm taking you at your word when you say you don't have any concrete reason to suspect you're picking up on something real with respect to signs of cheating). If you haven't had a serious State of the Relationship talk yet, this is pretty much the time for it. And when you sit him down, own your insecurities and your tendency to anxiety-spiral, but also point out that you've asked him to work with you on specific things (more quality time together, more proactive I-love-yous) and he's not following up. Tell him you need him to do more to make you feel secure in the relationship, and spell out the specific kinds of reassurance you need (within reason, but it sounds like you're very self-aware about stuff like not wanting to control his friendships). It's possible that he's simply not willing or able to be a good partner for you, but it's also possible that he's sensing your anxiety and reacting by withdrawing or checking out because he's unsure what's gone wrong or doesn't know how to respond (the amount of leeway I'd grant there would depend a lot on age and previous relationship experience).
If he's willing to take active steps to improve things, it might help to have some shorthand or code words you can use to prompt each other (like a way for him to signal you: I may look unhappy but it's not your fault, I'm just tired/stressed and need introvert time; and a way for you to signal him: I'm having one of those moments where I feel anxious and can't articulate why, but I need you to do X as a gesture of reassurance that you care). If you two can agree to treat these issues as a joint problem that can be tackled together with shared tools rather than guesswork, it might help. But if he's evasive, or makes promises but doesn't show an immediate and obvious improvement on those concrete measures, this isn't going to work. And regardless of his response and actions, if you keep feeling this miserable (or really any degree of miserable!) you should end this relationship (no third and fourth chances) and keep on going to therapy and spending quality time with friends while you look for a partner who has a better intuitive sense for what you need.
posted by karayel at 3:24 PM on June 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
For whatever it’s worth, I’m basically the guy you’re dating, and I’d probably break up with me. I work long hours, I have time-consuming hobbies, and I’m a pretty misanthropic introvert who needs a lot of down time without anyone looking at me and judging me (which, because I’m anxious effectively means “by myself”). My solution is just not to date, because the thought of someone writing this question about me just sucks (and I have been there in the past).
You want what you want, and what you want is legitimate. If he’s not able to give you what you want, this internet Stranger gives you permission to break it off and look for it elsewhere.
posted by Alterscape at 3:43 PM on June 3, 2019 [27 favorites]
You want what you want, and what you want is legitimate. If he’s not able to give you what you want, this internet Stranger gives you permission to break it off and look for it elsewhere.
posted by Alterscape at 3:43 PM on June 3, 2019 [27 favorites]
You have awareness. That's a great start. Sit with your anxiety. Notice it and realize it's fear.
You're afraid that he's going to stop liking you. Or, he will like someone else. Try trusting that you're going to be okay no matter what happens -- that your inner state doesn't need to depend on the outer world so much.
Meditating is great and all but understanding that you are fine, no matter what your boyfriend is doing is the more important thing to consider. Your fear and anxiety are stories and not real. I'm not a mental-health professional. However, I'm wondering how medication for ADHD can cure fear and insecurity? I will say it will not and cannot.
Some relationships can cause anxiety because one person is hot and cold, or can be unfair and withholding, or run- of- the-mill jerky. From your description it sounds like your boyfriend is none of these things and a nice guy. You say that you love him, and that he's kind, and genuinely cares for you. How about trust in that? Let it breathe.
If you expect a certain kind of text, or a certain type of behavior, and he doesn't deliver you're going to be miserable. That's a lot to hinge your happiness on. If you want more texts, text more. Or communicate that you like texts. If you want him to be more considerate, be considerate, etc. Teach him how you want to be treated so to speak, instead of going silent and asking him to read minds. I have a friend who will text me if she arrives somewhere safely, or will report how a certain event went without me asking. She is one of the most mature, grounded people I know. She's not going to pout if someone doesn't ask how her event went. Her happiness or love for people doesn't depend on if someone remembers that or not. She enjoys other people and gives them some grace. And because she doesn't need or expect so much from people she gets a lot of genuine love and respect.
We all have needs, and we all want to feel loved and cared for, but if you drop your expectations about how things should play out, you're going to have less anxiety and you're going to be happier.
If he's an overall good guy and you want to stay with him, let him be who he is and give more love -- to yourself and to him. And if one day you grow tired of watching him play video games, or not talking enough, you can move on or do something else.
posted by loveandhappiness at 4:35 PM on June 3, 2019 [14 favorites]
You're afraid that he's going to stop liking you. Or, he will like someone else. Try trusting that you're going to be okay no matter what happens -- that your inner state doesn't need to depend on the outer world so much.
Meditating is great and all but understanding that you are fine, no matter what your boyfriend is doing is the more important thing to consider. Your fear and anxiety are stories and not real. I'm not a mental-health professional. However, I'm wondering how medication for ADHD can cure fear and insecurity? I will say it will not and cannot.
Some relationships can cause anxiety because one person is hot and cold, or can be unfair and withholding, or run- of- the-mill jerky. From your description it sounds like your boyfriend is none of these things and a nice guy. You say that you love him, and that he's kind, and genuinely cares for you. How about trust in that? Let it breathe.
If you expect a certain kind of text, or a certain type of behavior, and he doesn't deliver you're going to be miserable. That's a lot to hinge your happiness on. If you want more texts, text more. Or communicate that you like texts. If you want him to be more considerate, be considerate, etc. Teach him how you want to be treated so to speak, instead of going silent and asking him to read minds. I have a friend who will text me if she arrives somewhere safely, or will report how a certain event went without me asking. She is one of the most mature, grounded people I know. She's not going to pout if someone doesn't ask how her event went. Her happiness or love for people doesn't depend on if someone remembers that or not. She enjoys other people and gives them some grace. And because she doesn't need or expect so much from people she gets a lot of genuine love and respect.
We all have needs, and we all want to feel loved and cared for, but if you drop your expectations about how things should play out, you're going to have less anxiety and you're going to be happier.
If he's an overall good guy and you want to stay with him, let him be who he is and give more love -- to yourself and to him. And if one day you grow tired of watching him play video games, or not talking enough, you can move on or do something else.
posted by loveandhappiness at 4:35 PM on June 3, 2019 [14 favorites]
It's not the fault of your anxiety and insecurity if this relationship isn't meeting your needs. But likewise, it's not your boyfriend's fault if he doesn't know what your needs actually are.
You need to clearly articulate to your partner what you want-- he's not psychic. And if he's not willing to change, you're not compatible.
PS. Don't fall into the anxiety trap of "if I don't make this relationship work, nobody will ever love me again!" There are more fish in the sea...some of whom might be better suited to what you want.
posted by noxperpetua at 5:42 PM on June 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
You need to clearly articulate to your partner what you want-- he's not psychic. And if he's not willing to change, you're not compatible.
PS. Don't fall into the anxiety trap of "if I don't make this relationship work, nobody will ever love me again!" There are more fish in the sea...some of whom might be better suited to what you want.
posted by noxperpetua at 5:42 PM on June 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
I have this type of gut level anxiety, sensitivity to feeling rejected when my partner withdraws, reading absence of active engagement as something to spiral over, etc. Needing to get texts more frequently than most. Taking it as a sign of disconnection if my partner falls asleep facing away from me, reading too much into nonverbal communication (although I'm often right as well), etc. I have an insecure attachment style.
It's become more secure over time - because my partner loves me, and in spite of his own issues he makes an effort to meet my needs to his best ability. I've communicated what I want and need, and he tries to do it. He doesn't land where my anxiety wants him to regularly, but he tries. And because he tries, because he keeps showing up, my attachment has stabilized.
But also, he has an avoidant attachment style, and apparently anxious and avoidant styles go together often, and it is a recipe for disaster. Sorry. It can be really hard because you are diametrically opposed to each other and can trigger each other to increasingly escalating levels. I would wonder whether your partner tends toward avoidant attachment by being unavailable through work and side gigs and then the random lapses of emotional connection as well. How do the two of you manage conflict? Does he distance and then you pursue?
Anxious and avoidant together is hard. It's been really damaging to our relationship. But my partner cares, so he tries to hear what I need and tries to do it. And over time he's become less avoidant, less likely to run and hide. But it's been a fuckton of work and I don't begrudge anyone the chance to forego this work if desired. I mean, the value is that it's helped me do a lot of personal growth, because I don't want to be that anxious and needy, but it's been really hard.
I've also learned to cope in various ways such as distraction or distancing (because clear communication in the moment is not consistently helpful for various reasons). I create some distance and do my own thing to distract myself from not getting that message, or not seeing a read receipt, or I literally leave the room. I may leave out of anxiety or I may leave with mindful awareness that I don't want to feel needy and I'm awesome and can do things to nurture myself. I learned to not stick around in the situation feeling lonely. And if I felt like I was doing too much work to keep things engaging, I would literally leave and if my partner wanted connection he would prove it which helps. But I have to say I really hate how sideways and manipulative that dance feels and wish it could be less complicated.
So yeah, it's a lot of work, but if two people care for each other and both WANT to increase their awareness, stability, interdependence, etc, then the work is worth it to me. I didn't see you mention how long you have been with this person just that it's new. It sounds like some of your deepest needs are not getting met and it's early yet.
You deserve to be happy and have your needs met.
You deserve to be happy and have your needs met.
If you love this person and want to stay you will have great opportunities to work on yourself. I am afraid he's already showing the level of availability he wants to offer. It's ok if that's not enough for you.
posted by crunchy potato at 6:21 PM on June 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
It's become more secure over time - because my partner loves me, and in spite of his own issues he makes an effort to meet my needs to his best ability. I've communicated what I want and need, and he tries to do it. He doesn't land where my anxiety wants him to regularly, but he tries. And because he tries, because he keeps showing up, my attachment has stabilized.
But also, he has an avoidant attachment style, and apparently anxious and avoidant styles go together often, and it is a recipe for disaster. Sorry. It can be really hard because you are diametrically opposed to each other and can trigger each other to increasingly escalating levels. I would wonder whether your partner tends toward avoidant attachment by being unavailable through work and side gigs and then the random lapses of emotional connection as well. How do the two of you manage conflict? Does he distance and then you pursue?
Anxious and avoidant together is hard. It's been really damaging to our relationship. But my partner cares, so he tries to hear what I need and tries to do it. And over time he's become less avoidant, less likely to run and hide. But it's been a fuckton of work and I don't begrudge anyone the chance to forego this work if desired. I mean, the value is that it's helped me do a lot of personal growth, because I don't want to be that anxious and needy, but it's been really hard.
I've also learned to cope in various ways such as distraction or distancing (because clear communication in the moment is not consistently helpful for various reasons). I create some distance and do my own thing to distract myself from not getting that message, or not seeing a read receipt, or I literally leave the room. I may leave out of anxiety or I may leave with mindful awareness that I don't want to feel needy and I'm awesome and can do things to nurture myself. I learned to not stick around in the situation feeling lonely. And if I felt like I was doing too much work to keep things engaging, I would literally leave and if my partner wanted connection he would prove it which helps. But I have to say I really hate how sideways and manipulative that dance feels and wish it could be less complicated.
So yeah, it's a lot of work, but if two people care for each other and both WANT to increase their awareness, stability, interdependence, etc, then the work is worth it to me. I didn't see you mention how long you have been with this person just that it's new. It sounds like some of your deepest needs are not getting met and it's early yet.
You deserve to be happy and have your needs met.
You deserve to be happy and have your needs met.
If you love this person and want to stay you will have great opportunities to work on yourself. I am afraid he's already showing the level of availability he wants to offer. It's ok if that's not enough for you.
posted by crunchy potato at 6:21 PM on June 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
I don’t think he’s right for you right now. Maybe you have more needs now than you will down the road or maybe in the future, your needs will be more compatible with his ability to meet them but it doesn’t matter. You feel anxious and insecure in this relationship. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to be with someone who is right for you right now.
posted by kat518 at 7:17 PM on June 3, 2019
posted by kat518 at 7:17 PM on June 3, 2019
I am agreeing with a lot of what other people said. I think it is really impressive that you repeatedly identify that these feelings you have are only in the context of this relationship. That demonstrates a lot of self-knowledge.
It may be things will get better with better communication. It may be this is not a good fit, and you are having a natural reaction to a partners lack of investment in a relationship. Whether you decide to move on or to stick with it, I think you should immediately start investing a lot of time in things that serve you, and less time on the relationship. Ask friends to drinks, reach out on the phone to friends from college, maybe take a weekend trip to see someone.
posted by thelastpolarbear at 8:30 PM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
It may be things will get better with better communication. It may be this is not a good fit, and you are having a natural reaction to a partners lack of investment in a relationship. Whether you decide to move on or to stick with it, I think you should immediately start investing a lot of time in things that serve you, and less time on the relationship. Ask friends to drinks, reach out on the phone to friends from college, maybe take a weekend trip to see someone.
posted by thelastpolarbear at 8:30 PM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
I was in a relationship with a man exactly like this last year. I stuck it out. I squashed the anxious feelings down, and told myself that if I loved on him enough, he'd eventually want to meet me halfway. One day, after a particularly bad anxiety spiral, I couldn't take it anymore and I directly asked him to comfort me and assuage my fears and validate the relationship and our future together. He reacted by dumping me suddenly - seemingly out of nowhere. He couldn't deal with the sudden intensity of my emotional state. (He also came back about a week later, and we tried again in Round 2, and then he did the EXACT SAME THING a few months later when I anxious-spiraled again and asked for reassurance.
I wasted over a year of my life in a deeply unsatisfying dynamic with a person who was just not capable of meeting my needs. The only regret I have is not being the one to leave-- and leaving sooner. It has taken months of therapy to unpack myself from the contorted little box I forced myself into to try to prove we could work together. It has taken months to become confident in my own relationship preferences and needs again.
After much reflection, I realized that there was nothing wrong with MY attachment style. A lot of women are quick to blame themselves when they feel relationship anxiety. I should know -- I did it. I wish I had listened to my feelings more -- they were 100% valid and they were telling me something extremely important about my needs.
Also, it might help to realize -- you can love someone SO VERY MUCH and they can still be totally the wrong person for you. And that's OK! Love yourself enough to be brave enough to leave. Open up that space for the right relationship.
posted by Anonymouse1618 at 8:46 PM on June 3, 2019 [7 favorites]
I wasted over a year of my life in a deeply unsatisfying dynamic with a person who was just not capable of meeting my needs. The only regret I have is not being the one to leave-- and leaving sooner. It has taken months of therapy to unpack myself from the contorted little box I forced myself into to try to prove we could work together. It has taken months to become confident in my own relationship preferences and needs again.
After much reflection, I realized that there was nothing wrong with MY attachment style. A lot of women are quick to blame themselves when they feel relationship anxiety. I should know -- I did it. I wish I had listened to my feelings more -- they were 100% valid and they were telling me something extremely important about my needs.
Also, it might help to realize -- you can love someone SO VERY MUCH and they can still be totally the wrong person for you. And that's OK! Love yourself enough to be brave enough to leave. Open up that space for the right relationship.
posted by Anonymouse1618 at 8:46 PM on June 3, 2019 [7 favorites]
I suspect I've been the other end of this story. The behavior which she interpreted as love was unintuitive and effortful for me, and did not feel loving to me. The behavior which did fell loving to me did not make her feel loved.
So I would alternate between doing it and not doing it. Sometimes because I needed to recover from doing it. Sometimes because it had slipped my mind to consciously track how much I was doing it and I had instead fallen back on my feeling, which was tracking a different behavior. Sometimes because I was annoyed by how apparently unappreciatively my gestures of love were received.
I wish I could tell you how I fixed everything and lived happily ever after but in truth it is still a struggle.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 9:51 PM on June 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
So I would alternate between doing it and not doing it. Sometimes because I needed to recover from doing it. Sometimes because it had slipped my mind to consciously track how much I was doing it and I had instead fallen back on my feeling, which was tracking a different behavior. Sometimes because I was annoyed by how apparently unappreciatively my gestures of love were received.
I wish I could tell you how I fixed everything and lived happily ever after but in truth it is still a struggle.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 9:51 PM on June 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
Yeah, I’m going to agree with folks who have mentioned attachment theory. It sounds like you have a more anxious attachment style, and your anxieties are exacerbated by his avoidant attachment style. Folks with an avoidant attachment style need and want intimacy but also fear it. They may come on strong early in a relationship but pull back when it gets more serious. They may use avoidance strategies like work and video games and keeping in touch with other romantic interests to feel safe — and it’s not coincidence that they are most likely to do this following an intimate time with their partner.
For you, this relationship is like one attachment crisis after another. He’s deactivating when stressed, which sets off your anxieties and makes you desperate to reconnect. So you end up with a push-pull dynamic that can be really painful. It’s crazy-making.
Here’s the thing: that roller coaster can feel like true love and passion, but really it’s the chaos of an attachment crisis and the joy you get when it seems like he might give you what you want and need.
The book Attached: The New Science
Of Adult Attachment is excellent. I suspect it will give you lots of insight into this relationship. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:38 AM on June 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
For you, this relationship is like one attachment crisis after another. He’s deactivating when stressed, which sets off your anxieties and makes you desperate to reconnect. So you end up with a push-pull dynamic that can be really painful. It’s crazy-making.
Here’s the thing: that roller coaster can feel like true love and passion, but really it’s the chaos of an attachment crisis and the joy you get when it seems like he might give you what you want and need.
The book Attached: The New Science
Of Adult Attachment is excellent. I suspect it will give you lots of insight into this relationship. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:38 AM on June 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
If your relationship is turning you into someone you don't like, then maybe this isn't the relationship for you, despite you loving him a lot. I'm sorry. :\ I know what you're thinking (or maybe I don't): are you thinking things like, "maybe if I did x, or if only I was x, things would be better" or "I wish I was more x" or "Why am I so cranky/neurotic/needy/anxious (what have you)" - what it all boils down to, is that you think YOU'RE the problem, and therefore you have to fix/change yourself, when that may not be the case at all.
He works probably 50 hours a week now, plus he has a couple of demanding side gigs that take up all his time. He's super introverted and really needs some time alone to recharge from how stressful his life can be. Understandable. I don't want to take away his introvert time. I am definitely more extroverted than him but I need to respect that.
I feel like this is the crux of it. Something BAD doesn't have to happen in order to determine that you're not compatible. I feel like he's just not available to give you what you need - not that the doesn't love you, or doesn't want to give you what you need - his lifestyle is just not compatible with yours. I believe you that he's lovely person - but he's not a great partner for you. If being with him is bringing out all your insecurities and there's this cycle that keeps happening - it's not fair to you or him. Just end it and give yourself a break. Just because he's the first person where you've enjoyed sex doesn't mean you have to stay with him - maybe it means that you've learned how to enjoy sex now. For me, a huge part of enjoying sex is being comfortable with my body and knowing what I like. Another part is liking the person (I can't just find them physically attractive, I have to like them as a person), and another part is they're an attentive/non-selfish lover. (They don't have to know all the tricks, if they're putting in an honest effort that's good enough for me!)
posted by foxjacket at 6:47 AM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
He works probably 50 hours a week now, plus he has a couple of demanding side gigs that take up all his time. He's super introverted and really needs some time alone to recharge from how stressful his life can be. Understandable. I don't want to take away his introvert time. I am definitely more extroverted than him but I need to respect that.
I feel like this is the crux of it. Something BAD doesn't have to happen in order to determine that you're not compatible. I feel like he's just not available to give you what you need - not that the doesn't love you, or doesn't want to give you what you need - his lifestyle is just not compatible with yours. I believe you that he's lovely person - but he's not a great partner for you. If being with him is bringing out all your insecurities and there's this cycle that keeps happening - it's not fair to you or him. Just end it and give yourself a break. Just because he's the first person where you've enjoyed sex doesn't mean you have to stay with him - maybe it means that you've learned how to enjoy sex now. For me, a huge part of enjoying sex is being comfortable with my body and knowing what I like. Another part is liking the person (I can't just find them physically attractive, I have to like them as a person), and another part is they're an attentive/non-selfish lover. (They don't have to know all the tricks, if they're putting in an honest effort that's good enough for me!)
posted by foxjacket at 6:47 AM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
So, boys doing their thing while their girlfriends watch them do their thing has been a stalwart of heterosexual relationships for a very long time. I say “boys” because this isn’t a sign of maturity. I think any grown man who can stand to play video games for a whole day while his partner hangs out bored is just not a great catch. It’s a red flag. Not just on him, but on the relationship. This guy just doesn’t sound right for you right now. It doesn’t matter that maybe you have “issues” or maybe he is “whatever.” It matters that you two are not connecting and it matters that this seems to matter more to you than to him.
I’m so worried that you froze in that moment. You wanted the good times to keep rolling that weekend and he ended them without discussion. Why did you stay that day? Identify your needs and act on them. He was done giving you attention and he was done without discussion. He didn’t check in with you, “I would love nothing more than to just veg and play video games today, do you mind?” He just did what he wanted and you inexplicably sat around doing nothing. But you also could have sat with your feelings, identified them and voiced them, “So, it looks like we are done with fun stuff? Are you on the couch the rest of the day? Because I really wanted to maybe go for a hike and then eat a great lunch at X.”
Can you spend the next week focused on yourself. Ask yourself in your spare moments, if I was taking care of my own needs right now, what would that be? Taking a nap. Seeing a movie. Meeting with a friend. Walking around the neighborhood. Calling a relative. These are all things that might fill your bucket but you sound like you need to practice this. See if a week of self-care, checking in with yourself and meeting your own needs without a lot of doubt or judgment helps you to find clarity.
And please don’t sit around for hours watching a boy do his thing.
posted by amanda at 6:48 AM on June 4, 2019 [12 favorites]
I’m so worried that you froze in that moment. You wanted the good times to keep rolling that weekend and he ended them without discussion. Why did you stay that day? Identify your needs and act on them. He was done giving you attention and he was done without discussion. He didn’t check in with you, “I would love nothing more than to just veg and play video games today, do you mind?” He just did what he wanted and you inexplicably sat around doing nothing. But you also could have sat with your feelings, identified them and voiced them, “So, it looks like we are done with fun stuff? Are you on the couch the rest of the day? Because I really wanted to maybe go for a hike and then eat a great lunch at X.”
Can you spend the next week focused on yourself. Ask yourself in your spare moments, if I was taking care of my own needs right now, what would that be? Taking a nap. Seeing a movie. Meeting with a friend. Walking around the neighborhood. Calling a relative. These are all things that might fill your bucket but you sound like you need to practice this. See if a week of self-care, checking in with yourself and meeting your own needs without a lot of doubt or judgment helps you to find clarity.
And please don’t sit around for hours watching a boy do his thing.
posted by amanda at 6:48 AM on June 4, 2019 [12 favorites]
Ugh, OP, I am so angry on your behalf.
We live in a stupid fucking misogynistic culture that says WOMEN DO IT RONG ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT. If we want engaged relationships with male partners, where male partners treat us with attention and care, then we are being ewww gross needy and anxiously-attached and icky and girly. If we want slightly distant relationships with male partners, where male partners desist from whining when we focus on our own consuming hobbies or work, then we are being neglectful and insufficiently appreciative of the male ego's need for fluffing. What it adds up to is simply that women are wrong for having any needs at all in het relationships, be it a need for distance or for closeness, for support or for independence. We exist to fulfil men's needs without demanding anything in return.
Fuck that noise. Fuuuuuuuuuck that noise!!
There is nothing wrong with you. You want a relationship where your boyfriend acts like a boyfriend. You want affection. You want attention. You want him to make an effort to make you happy. You want him to focus on your needs to the same extent that you voluntarily focus on his. None of this is unreasonable.
Own your truth. Own your needs. Ask for what you want from him without guilt and without apology. If he steps up and apologizes for neglecting you and failing to prioritize you, you know he's worth your time.
posted by MiraK at 6:53 AM on June 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
We live in a stupid fucking misogynistic culture that says WOMEN DO IT RONG ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT. If we want engaged relationships with male partners, where male partners treat us with attention and care, then we are being ewww gross needy and anxiously-attached and icky and girly. If we want slightly distant relationships with male partners, where male partners desist from whining when we focus on our own consuming hobbies or work, then we are being neglectful and insufficiently appreciative of the male ego's need for fluffing. What it adds up to is simply that women are wrong for having any needs at all in het relationships, be it a need for distance or for closeness, for support or for independence. We exist to fulfil men's needs without demanding anything in return.
Fuck that noise. Fuuuuuuuuuck that noise!!
There is nothing wrong with you. You want a relationship where your boyfriend acts like a boyfriend. You want affection. You want attention. You want him to make an effort to make you happy. You want him to focus on your needs to the same extent that you voluntarily focus on his. None of this is unreasonable.
Own your truth. Own your needs. Ask for what you want from him without guilt and without apology. If he steps up and apologizes for neglecting you and failing to prioritize you, you know he's worth your time.
posted by MiraK at 6:53 AM on June 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
It sounds like you two are maybe just not right for each other, which doesn't mean that either one of you is doing something wrong.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:50 AM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:50 AM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you for the replies. I think I will try to talk to him a bit and see if anything changes. These conversations are hard for me and I feel all this guilt knowing how stressed he is, and knowing that I'm just introducing more stress into his life, but I also know that it's not wrong for me to communicate my needs and that I need to do it if I want to give this a fighting chance.
It's hard because it's not all the time. I think in his mind we do do things together--we go shopping together, we go out to eat, we talk and just hang out a lot. I also spend a lot of time at his place, so it's not like I want him to completely stop playing games and stuff when I'm there, given how often I'm there. Then it's double hard because he does genuinely do nice things for me. If he's playing a game and I want him to stop, he'll stop for a bit and spend time with me. If I ask for something concrete, like I ask for a favor or I ask if he wants to do something with me or whatever, he pretty much always follows through. He cooks for me when I'm busy studying and he pays a lot because I'm kind of a permanent poor student these days and he always tries to make me laugh. He also set up a little study area for me in his house, complete with my own little desk, which I really appreciated. He still does these things, just less. And then some days are fine. I need to bring it up in a way that he'll actually understand and that doesn't make him defensive while actually getting across how important these things are to me. Because they're not little things. They're really important to me, and I don't think he realizes.
I don't even know if it will work, but I want to at least be clear with him because I don't think I've ever properly laid this out for him. He's quick to get defensive when he thinks his time is being infringed on, and he's kind of permanently forgetful about things, and I honestly don't know if he'll remember to follow through with what I'm asking for. I genuinely think he forgets to ask about my day or tell me he loves me, which kind of sucks but I can't change that about him. I either accept that about him or I don't.
Sigh. Sorry I'm blathering. Thanks again.
posted by Amy93 at 11:03 AM on June 4, 2019
It's hard because it's not all the time. I think in his mind we do do things together--we go shopping together, we go out to eat, we talk and just hang out a lot. I also spend a lot of time at his place, so it's not like I want him to completely stop playing games and stuff when I'm there, given how often I'm there. Then it's double hard because he does genuinely do nice things for me. If he's playing a game and I want him to stop, he'll stop for a bit and spend time with me. If I ask for something concrete, like I ask for a favor or I ask if he wants to do something with me or whatever, he pretty much always follows through. He cooks for me when I'm busy studying and he pays a lot because I'm kind of a permanent poor student these days and he always tries to make me laugh. He also set up a little study area for me in his house, complete with my own little desk, which I really appreciated. He still does these things, just less. And then some days are fine. I need to bring it up in a way that he'll actually understand and that doesn't make him defensive while actually getting across how important these things are to me. Because they're not little things. They're really important to me, and I don't think he realizes.
I don't even know if it will work, but I want to at least be clear with him because I don't think I've ever properly laid this out for him. He's quick to get defensive when he thinks his time is being infringed on, and he's kind of permanently forgetful about things, and I honestly don't know if he'll remember to follow through with what I'm asking for. I genuinely think he forgets to ask about my day or tell me he loves me, which kind of sucks but I can't change that about him. I either accept that about him or I don't.
Sigh. Sorry I'm blathering. Thanks again.
posted by Amy93 at 11:03 AM on June 4, 2019
Hi there,
I actually do think this is an anxiety problem, having GAD and Panic Disorder myself. What meds made you gain weight? Maybe you could try something else.
Because of the above, I actually don't think you should have all sorts of long conversations with him about how he could act to make you feel better. He isn't acting badly at all, that you've said. This is a problem with your thinking. Yeah, he can say 'I love you' more, cos you asked him, but that won't fix it because that isn't the problem. Then you will need him to do something else to make you feel better, and then something else, and nothing will be solved because your thinking isn't healthy and it is your thinking that needs addressing, not his actions.
I think this is a 'you' problem, not a relationship problem. That doesn't mean you're absurd or bad, but it does mean you need more help.
posted by thereader at 12:17 PM on June 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
I actually do think this is an anxiety problem, having GAD and Panic Disorder myself. What meds made you gain weight? Maybe you could try something else.
Because of the above, I actually don't think you should have all sorts of long conversations with him about how he could act to make you feel better. He isn't acting badly at all, that you've said. This is a problem with your thinking. Yeah, he can say 'I love you' more, cos you asked him, but that won't fix it because that isn't the problem. Then you will need him to do something else to make you feel better, and then something else, and nothing will be solved because your thinking isn't healthy and it is your thinking that needs addressing, not his actions.
I think this is a 'you' problem, not a relationship problem. That doesn't mean you're absurd or bad, but it does mean you need more help.
posted by thereader at 12:17 PM on June 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
From what you've written, it's hard to tell if you have stuff going on in your life that you value other than your relationship. I know you've mentioned that you're a busy grad student, but do you have hobbies that you pursue sometimes? Friends you spend time with? Non-errand/non-adulting things you're enthusiastic about trying? The absence of these things can be an impediment to relationships with a lot of different kinds of people. It's just challenging to stay connected to someone who you perceive depends on your relationship for most, if not all of their fulfillment, entertainment and happiness. Doubly so if the bulk of your interaction with that someone is about providing them with emotional support of some kind.
While I agree with a lot of other posters that this guy is likely a bad match for you, to be honest, it sounds like for you, the focal point of this relationship is getting your emotional needs met. Not having fun, not exploring new places or interests, not spending mutually beneficial time together. You can't have a relationship like that without one person checking out before long. Avoiding this kind of situation requires getting your emotional needs met through a variety of sources and having a life outside your relationship that you value enough to preempt watching a guy watch TV. Perhaps this means you wait until you can develop a more well-rounded life before you start dating again, who knows.
posted by blerghamot at 2:03 PM on June 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
While I agree with a lot of other posters that this guy is likely a bad match for you, to be honest, it sounds like for you, the focal point of this relationship is getting your emotional needs met. Not having fun, not exploring new places or interests, not spending mutually beneficial time together. You can't have a relationship like that without one person checking out before long. Avoiding this kind of situation requires getting your emotional needs met through a variety of sources and having a life outside your relationship that you value enough to preempt watching a guy watch TV. Perhaps this means you wait until you can develop a more well-rounded life before you start dating again, who knows.
posted by blerghamot at 2:03 PM on June 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you really like this guy, and really like the relationship, except that you guys aren't communicating well yet about some of your emotional needs. I've had some similar frustrations in some of my close relationships.
One concept that really helped me work through those is understanding love languages. There's a book about it that IMO is worth reading (The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman) but the basic idea is pretty simple: there are 5 ways that people tend to give and receive love. It sounds like his dominant love language is time spent together, whereas yours sounds like it is words of affirmation, with a secondary one (maybe for both of you) being acts of service.
Your descriptions read to me as he is expressing love to you by spending time with you. Consider that he already doesn't have a lot of spare time, but he is choosing to spend what sounds like the majority of his free time alone with you instead of recharging by himself. Whether the time you spend together should be spent doing other things (besides watching him game) is a different matter, but to me it doesn't really point to him not loving you or not being invested in the relationship.
Similarly, you are expressing love to him by telling him so - "I love you" - and are looking for him to initiate expressing love back to you in the same way. His replying with it but not being the first to say it fits in my mind with words of affirmation not being his natural or dominant love language, even though it is yours. This is clearly frustrating to you - for good reason - but to me doesn't automatically point to him loving you less. You're both just expressing it differently.
From your descriptions, especially the follow-up, it sounds like you and he haven't really talked clearly about this difference in your needs. In my situation, learning about love languages was eye-opening and equipped me to be a better son, friend, and partner - but it wasn't about a lack of maturity. I just didn't have this in my toolset yet. It sounds like this is probably true for your boyfriend, especially since you describe multiple ways that he has responded positively and proactively when you bring up specific needs with him. I disagree with some of the other replies here that you should end this relationship, that you're wasting your time and you won't get your needs met with him. I think if you go to the effort to talk this through with him in a non-confrontational manner, in the spirit of we-love-each-other-but-this-needs-change-from-both-of-us, it has a great chance of bringing about a positive, lasting change in your relationship. Since you sound otherwise happy with him, I certainly wouldn't break up with him without feeling satisfied that you'd given this conversation about your needs as much time and effort that it deserves.
I agree with sallybrown that this is a common issue, and it's one that you can totally work through to be happier together. Good luck!
posted by hootenatty at 10:32 AM on June 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
One concept that really helped me work through those is understanding love languages. There's a book about it that IMO is worth reading (The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman) but the basic idea is pretty simple: there are 5 ways that people tend to give and receive love. It sounds like his dominant love language is time spent together, whereas yours sounds like it is words of affirmation, with a secondary one (maybe for both of you) being acts of service.
Your descriptions read to me as he is expressing love to you by spending time with you. Consider that he already doesn't have a lot of spare time, but he is choosing to spend what sounds like the majority of his free time alone with you instead of recharging by himself. Whether the time you spend together should be spent doing other things (besides watching him game) is a different matter, but to me it doesn't really point to him not loving you or not being invested in the relationship.
Similarly, you are expressing love to him by telling him so - "I love you" - and are looking for him to initiate expressing love back to you in the same way. His replying with it but not being the first to say it fits in my mind with words of affirmation not being his natural or dominant love language, even though it is yours. This is clearly frustrating to you - for good reason - but to me doesn't automatically point to him loving you less. You're both just expressing it differently.
From your descriptions, especially the follow-up, it sounds like you and he haven't really talked clearly about this difference in your needs. In my situation, learning about love languages was eye-opening and equipped me to be a better son, friend, and partner - but it wasn't about a lack of maturity. I just didn't have this in my toolset yet. It sounds like this is probably true for your boyfriend, especially since you describe multiple ways that he has responded positively and proactively when you bring up specific needs with him. I disagree with some of the other replies here that you should end this relationship, that you're wasting your time and you won't get your needs met with him. I think if you go to the effort to talk this through with him in a non-confrontational manner, in the spirit of we-love-each-other-but-this-needs-change-from-both-of-us, it has a great chance of bringing about a positive, lasting change in your relationship. Since you sound otherwise happy with him, I certainly wouldn't break up with him without feeling satisfied that you'd given this conversation about your needs as much time and effort that it deserves.
I agree with sallybrown that this is a common issue, and it's one that you can totally work through to be happier together. Good luck!
posted by hootenatty at 10:32 AM on June 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Your anxieties are not absurd. Your insecurities are not absurd.
He may or may not be less in love with you than he was before. He may or may not be cheating on you. But what is certain is that he is not meeting your needs in this relationship. He is busy at work AND he has side gigs AND he needs alone time AND he has time to text other friends (who he almost dated) AND he considers being in the same room with you to be spending time with you. Where is there room for what you actually want -- a boyfriend who is interested in your and wants to actually interact with you -- in all of that?
If you sat him down and asked him -- can you please make more of an effort to engage with me and appear interested in my life? -- would he do it? Or would he try for awhile and then lapse back into his own preferred mode of operating where he complacently accepts that you're just going to be hanging around being there for him.
There are different love languages and levels of communication and not expecting your boyfriend to be a mindreader about your needs in a relationship and all of those are valid issues, but there's also, you know, expecting the person you are dating to actually take more than a passing interest in you as a person, and I'm not sure you're getting that, and I definitely don't think it's absurd, needy or anxious to want it.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:24 PM on June 3, 2019 [19 favorites]