Dealing with work-induced stress disorder and a loved one's crisis
April 7, 2019 7:12 PM Subscribe
Need coping strategies to not be effected by my partner's psychological issue
I have been on stress leave from work for the past month and am scheduled to go back in one week. Initially I thought I didn't need to go off work. Then I thought 2 weeks would be enough. Then 2 weeks passed and I felt even more overwhelmed than before, and as the sensation of stress lessened I became aware of a sensation of depression. I believe the reason I needed to go on leave was extremely simple - I work in a public-facing role in a software company and the company simply works us to the bone. No holidays over Christmas combined with a gigantic increase in workload in the past 6 months has just completely burned me out. I started getting panic attacks in the grocery store, crying during work and completely neglecting my household chores (to make matters worse I work from home). I still find it hard to get out of bed in the morning and have no motivation to do my household chores but I have managed to stay physically and socially active during the time Ive been on leave. I will be seeing my doctor tomorrow to get advice on returning to work.
The past two weeks I thought would be the time when I can actually start feeling energetic and happy again. But a crisis occured - the person I am dating had some kind of 8-day dissociative psychological episode during which time I had to extricate myself because they were being aggressive towards me (not violent but aggressive sexually). They also had lack of concentration, memory loss, disorganized thinking, and separation from reality and were unable to work. They have now come out of that state of mind and are going to be getting psychiatric help, hopefully starting this week. It may have been a temporary episode or symptom of a deeper issue but we haven been able to get access to psychiatrist yet to find out.
But it hurts me to see them also going through the shock of realizing they lost 8 days and the fact that they are now seeming to feel a bit depressed about this realiztion. Im finding it hard to cope emotionally with not only my feelings of love for this person, but also my worry about them (I have an anxiety disorder), my concern that they get the help they need in a convoluted and overloaded healthcare system, and also the fact that they don't seem to have any support network here (they are from the middle east and all their family is there).
I just now spoke to him and he said he spent the whole day in his apartment and now feels depressed. What I think is happening is that for so long he's had no one to talk to and had no one to really care about his inner life that now that we're dating, he's sharing everything with me but no one else. However, I don't seem to be able to cope with that very well. I wake up in the night feeling stressed and have had to start taking Ativan to get through the night.
I'm not looking for the advice of 'bail on this relationship' because I don't really want to do that because for some reason I deeply love this person.
I am looking for the coping strategies of how to help this person who's suffering but also not be emotionally effected by it because I'm already emotionally swamped myself. If you have tips on phrases I can say to him to explain my sense of drowning-ness without making it sound like I don't want to help, please let me know. How do I emphasize the need for this person to develop a support system without sounding like I'm trying to abandon them?
I have been on stress leave from work for the past month and am scheduled to go back in one week. Initially I thought I didn't need to go off work. Then I thought 2 weeks would be enough. Then 2 weeks passed and I felt even more overwhelmed than before, and as the sensation of stress lessened I became aware of a sensation of depression. I believe the reason I needed to go on leave was extremely simple - I work in a public-facing role in a software company and the company simply works us to the bone. No holidays over Christmas combined with a gigantic increase in workload in the past 6 months has just completely burned me out. I started getting panic attacks in the grocery store, crying during work and completely neglecting my household chores (to make matters worse I work from home). I still find it hard to get out of bed in the morning and have no motivation to do my household chores but I have managed to stay physically and socially active during the time Ive been on leave. I will be seeing my doctor tomorrow to get advice on returning to work.
The past two weeks I thought would be the time when I can actually start feeling energetic and happy again. But a crisis occured - the person I am dating had some kind of 8-day dissociative psychological episode during which time I had to extricate myself because they were being aggressive towards me (not violent but aggressive sexually). They also had lack of concentration, memory loss, disorganized thinking, and separation from reality and were unable to work. They have now come out of that state of mind and are going to be getting psychiatric help, hopefully starting this week. It may have been a temporary episode or symptom of a deeper issue but we haven been able to get access to psychiatrist yet to find out.
But it hurts me to see them also going through the shock of realizing they lost 8 days and the fact that they are now seeming to feel a bit depressed about this realiztion. Im finding it hard to cope emotionally with not only my feelings of love for this person, but also my worry about them (I have an anxiety disorder), my concern that they get the help they need in a convoluted and overloaded healthcare system, and also the fact that they don't seem to have any support network here (they are from the middle east and all their family is there).
I just now spoke to him and he said he spent the whole day in his apartment and now feels depressed. What I think is happening is that for so long he's had no one to talk to and had no one to really care about his inner life that now that we're dating, he's sharing everything with me but no one else. However, I don't seem to be able to cope with that very well. I wake up in the night feeling stressed and have had to start taking Ativan to get through the night.
I'm not looking for the advice of 'bail on this relationship' because I don't really want to do that because for some reason I deeply love this person.
I am looking for the coping strategies of how to help this person who's suffering but also not be emotionally effected by it because I'm already emotionally swamped myself. If you have tips on phrases I can say to him to explain my sense of drowning-ness without making it sound like I don't want to help, please let me know. How do I emphasize the need for this person to develop a support system without sounding like I'm trying to abandon them?
Can you create a schedule for communicating with one another? It sounds like you aren't seeing each other in person right now but mostly communicating via phone or text? Could you set up two times a day -- and then set a timer -- for talking with each other? While texting can be fun (and sexy!) in good times and helpful in emergencies, it can be draining and a pain in many other circumstances. Is limiting texting something that could help?
If your partner is in crisis again like before, they -- or you -- can call 911 to connect with emergency services. I know that's not ideal but an option when safety is compromised. Would your partner be open to a text or phone hotline for support? A mental health social worker? Could they reach out to their family back in the Middle East when they need support or a distraction? How about a local support group for people of his background, like a cultural club or religious group (if he's of any particular faith.)
It's so incredibly hard being an immigrant, and painfully isolating at times. It's not your responsibility but I feel for both of you. I'd suggest spending time together not talking but rather watching movies, drinking tea, going for walks, etc. However, I also suggest this if you feel safe with them, and it sounds like you (understandably) don't feel completely safe right now.
Whatever you do, please talk to your doctor about this when you discuss options for going back to work. They can recommend more resources for you and hopefully your partner, too.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:39 PM on April 7, 2019
If your partner is in crisis again like before, they -- or you -- can call 911 to connect with emergency services. I know that's not ideal but an option when safety is compromised. Would your partner be open to a text or phone hotline for support? A mental health social worker? Could they reach out to their family back in the Middle East when they need support or a distraction? How about a local support group for people of his background, like a cultural club or religious group (if he's of any particular faith.)
It's so incredibly hard being an immigrant, and painfully isolating at times. It's not your responsibility but I feel for both of you. I'd suggest spending time together not talking but rather watching movies, drinking tea, going for walks, etc. However, I also suggest this if you feel safe with them, and it sounds like you (understandably) don't feel completely safe right now.
Whatever you do, please talk to your doctor about this when you discuss options for going back to work. They can recommend more resources for you and hopefully your partner, too.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:39 PM on April 7, 2019
You have been dating for three months. The level of support they are expecting from you is out of whack with what your commitment level should be; and your feeling you “deeply love” someone who you have only known a few months indicates that you may want to dial back a bit for your own stability.
You don’t need to dump them, but you don’t need to martyr yourself for their needs, either. I don’t think there are any magic phrases you can use, just keep repeating your boundaries *and stick to them*. My experience with the type of person that presents such high needs so early in a relationship, and who trampled over boundaries as your boyfriend has, is that they cannot control themselves and put someone else’s needs first. You are going to have to advocate for yourself.
With the level of disfuntion you describe it sounds like they need to be an inpatient at a psychiatric hospital, it is far more serious than something a monthly visit with a psychiatrist can address. Knowing they are being cared for 24/7 should also help your own anxiety and allow you to stop developing a therapeutic relationship with the person to focus on developing a romantic relationship.
posted by saucysault at 1:40 AM on April 8, 2019 [23 favorites]
You don’t need to dump them, but you don’t need to martyr yourself for their needs, either. I don’t think there are any magic phrases you can use, just keep repeating your boundaries *and stick to them*. My experience with the type of person that presents such high needs so early in a relationship, and who trampled over boundaries as your boyfriend has, is that they cannot control themselves and put someone else’s needs first. You are going to have to advocate for yourself.
With the level of disfuntion you describe it sounds like they need to be an inpatient at a psychiatric hospital, it is far more serious than something a monthly visit with a psychiatrist can address. Knowing they are being cared for 24/7 should also help your own anxiety and allow you to stop developing a therapeutic relationship with the person to focus on developing a romantic relationship.
posted by saucysault at 1:40 AM on April 8, 2019 [23 favorites]
One thing jumped out at me in your question, because it reminds me of a situation that I had last year. I also took time off work at a busy/demanding software company with stress-related mental health issues, and took longer to return than I'd expected - I was off for three months.
I don't know about your work situation & logistics, but one of the key things for me on return was to stop working from home, and to travel into the local office every work day that I'm not spending in front of a customer. That was very helpful as part of setting up regular & healthy work habits, so that home & work didn't spread & merge into each other as they'd been doing for me before. Now, when I'm at work I'm working (plus taking breaks regularly, plus going out for a walk in the fresh air each day, plus not eating lunch at my desk, plus... etc) and when I'm at home, I'm at home and doing home-life things.
So I mention this for two reasons - first, just to share what I found helpful when I returned to work from a similar absence to how yours sounds. And second, to use it as a worked example of setting & keeping personal boundaries. That's something that I needed to develop some better practices around, and to have a boundary between work and home has helped me to understand how that should work, and how I can make it work in practice. Maybe that's a step towards also being able to set & keep healthy boundaries in your personal life too?
Good luck, and be sure to keep your own oxygen mask firmly on the whole time.
posted by rd45 at 2:46 AM on April 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
I don't know about your work situation & logistics, but one of the key things for me on return was to stop working from home, and to travel into the local office every work day that I'm not spending in front of a customer. That was very helpful as part of setting up regular & healthy work habits, so that home & work didn't spread & merge into each other as they'd been doing for me before. Now, when I'm at work I'm working (plus taking breaks regularly, plus going out for a walk in the fresh air each day, plus not eating lunch at my desk, plus... etc) and when I'm at home, I'm at home and doing home-life things.
So I mention this for two reasons - first, just to share what I found helpful when I returned to work from a similar absence to how yours sounds. And second, to use it as a worked example of setting & keeping personal boundaries. That's something that I needed to develop some better practices around, and to have a boundary between work and home has helped me to understand how that should work, and how I can make it work in practice. Maybe that's a step towards also being able to set & keep healthy boundaries in your personal life too?
Good luck, and be sure to keep your own oxygen mask firmly on the whole time.
posted by rd45 at 2:46 AM on April 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
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posted by deludingmyself at 7:45 PM on April 7, 2019 [5 favorites]