How do I get through to my teenage son?
March 6, 2019 5:16 PM Subscribe
My son is about to turn 16 and is making one bad decision after another. Is it possible to get through to a troubled teen?
My ex-wife threw our family into turmoil by divorcing me and marrying my best friend. She left three years ago, got engaged four months after the divorce was final, and got re-married last May.
My son knows his mom cheated on me. He strongly dislikes his new stepdad, for that and other reasons. And he is smart enough to know that moving back and forth between two homes gives him quite a bit of leverage and makes it difficult for us to punish him. (His mom and I do not communicate well, given the personal nature of the betrayal.)
In the past six months, though, things have gotten out of control. He started smoking pot daily - it is legal in Oregon, so easy to get a hold of - and skipping school almost daily. He and his friend got busted by the cops drinking stolen alcohol in a public place and I had to go pick him up. That friend isn't allowed at my place anymore, but his new best friend got kicked out of school for skipping too much and my son's girlfriend got kicked out for the same reason.
My son got admitted to a high school that would be a better fit for him, but apparently skipped school today and missed his intake appointment. He has also been hanging out with his girlfriend's parents and their friends at what are basically tweaker flophouses (she is a foster home runaway and isn't supposed to be around her real parents, as one is a meth addict and the other is a gang member).
I've tried talking to him about the future, about how his choices now as a teenager could affect the rest of his life, and about how marijuana can really affect the still-developing brain of a teen. He has even researched it himself. But he just keeps choosing to be "cool" and get into trouble. I am positive it is a way of masking his emotional pain.
He has tried seeing a counselor and refuses to go back. He communicates with me relatively well, and speaks openly about these choices, but I just can't seem to get him to think about the future and actually make good decisions. He told me two weeks ago that he wants to be a chef and get a job at fast food soon, so there's some ambition there. That's a good starting point.
Have you "broken through" to a teen who seemed to be on the wrong track? How did you do it? Are there any good Scared Straight type programs I could look into? Do you have personal experience with that type of program?
My ex-wife threw our family into turmoil by divorcing me and marrying my best friend. She left three years ago, got engaged four months after the divorce was final, and got re-married last May.
My son knows his mom cheated on me. He strongly dislikes his new stepdad, for that and other reasons. And he is smart enough to know that moving back and forth between two homes gives him quite a bit of leverage and makes it difficult for us to punish him. (His mom and I do not communicate well, given the personal nature of the betrayal.)
In the past six months, though, things have gotten out of control. He started smoking pot daily - it is legal in Oregon, so easy to get a hold of - and skipping school almost daily. He and his friend got busted by the cops drinking stolen alcohol in a public place and I had to go pick him up. That friend isn't allowed at my place anymore, but his new best friend got kicked out of school for skipping too much and my son's girlfriend got kicked out for the same reason.
My son got admitted to a high school that would be a better fit for him, but apparently skipped school today and missed his intake appointment. He has also been hanging out with his girlfriend's parents and their friends at what are basically tweaker flophouses (she is a foster home runaway and isn't supposed to be around her real parents, as one is a meth addict and the other is a gang member).
I've tried talking to him about the future, about how his choices now as a teenager could affect the rest of his life, and about how marijuana can really affect the still-developing brain of a teen. He has even researched it himself. But he just keeps choosing to be "cool" and get into trouble. I am positive it is a way of masking his emotional pain.
He has tried seeing a counselor and refuses to go back. He communicates with me relatively well, and speaks openly about these choices, but I just can't seem to get him to think about the future and actually make good decisions. He told me two weeks ago that he wants to be a chef and get a job at fast food soon, so there's some ambition there. That's a good starting point.
Have you "broken through" to a teen who seemed to be on the wrong track? How did you do it? Are there any good Scared Straight type programs I could look into? Do you have personal experience with that type of program?
I think you're right about the emotional pain he's in. His world changed shape a few years back and the two people he loves best in the world are now not even on speaking terms. I think it sounds like you have to set aside the personal feelings of betrayal for your child's sake and have a conversation with your ex about your son. Children get scared with no framework around them and it sounds like he's acting out his fear and anger in this behaviour. You and your ex need to agree a plan of action and set some clear terms of reference and keep to them for his sake - maybe the fact that you've set aside your grievances to talk with her about your son will mean more to him than you think.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 6:11 PM on March 6, 2019 [19 favorites]
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 6:11 PM on March 6, 2019 [19 favorites]
You probably need to find a way to communicate better with your ex to be a United front. All the better if the two of you sit down with him together, intervention style.
If you can't do it for yourself then maybe you can do it for your kid.
In my experience tough love doesn't work but unconditional love does. Kids need to know you're there and if they try to get lost they need to know you'll keep working to find them.
posted by crunchy potato at 6:15 PM on March 6, 2019 [14 favorites]
If you can't do it for yourself then maybe you can do it for your kid.
In my experience tough love doesn't work but unconditional love does. Kids need to know you're there and if they try to get lost they need to know you'll keep working to find them.
posted by crunchy potato at 6:15 PM on March 6, 2019 [14 favorites]
I’m really sorry you and your son are going through this. It sounds immensely hard. It’s like grieving a death, except it’s also, for your son, his mother who caused it. That sounds completely overwhelming and confusing for an adult, let alone a 16 year old.
. I am positive it is a way of masking his emotional pain
I’d say it’s possibly more a way of self-medicating and self-regulating overwhelming emotions that he can’t deal with with his existing skills? But either way, it’s an emotional need that’s being met, so
but I just can't seem to get him to think about the future and actually make good decisions
This isn’t going to work because it’s not really his thoughts that are the problem, it’s his feelings, and young people don’t have the same emotional regulation skills that adults are supposed to have. Treating this as though it’s about poor decisions rather than meeting emotional needs (in less than ideal ways) frames this, and him, as a failure, which brings with it a sense of shame, which makes it harder and harder to get through to someone.
When you sit down and try to explain about future whatever you’re kind of talking to a version of him that doesn’t exist at the moment. He’s not making rational decisions, he’s making decisions that make him feel better in the moment, or that make him feel normal — he might be chaotic and angry and scared inside, and it’s less alarming to feel that way in situations where you’re supposed to feel that way, so he’s seeking them out.
Most kids pick maladaptive ways of coping with overwhelming pain when other ways — healthier ways — aren’t available to them. You tried to get him a counselor, but unless you’ve made a real effort to talk to him and be there for him about his feelings, not his future, it’s possible he felt like you were pawning him off on someone else. You mentioned talking to him about his future, but not his feelings. Have you done this?
Have you talked to him about your feelings?
Your kid is 16. He’s old enough to know this is bad, this is hard, this is really fucked up. It’s possible to be honest and connect with him over the pain of that without trashing your ex (Although...goddamn, I am sorry, that is terrible.)
Have you grieved the loss of your family together? You have a new shape of your family now, but it’s important to acknowledge the loss.
Maybe you’ve done all of these things; I made a lot of assumptions based off a fairly brief post, and you know your kid. But acting out like this is almost always about dealing with overwhelming feelings that the kid doesn’t know how to deal with and can’t regulate on their own. You’re the parent who’s supposed to help him regulate them by showing him how and showing him that you’ll be there to help him. That might mean showing him how to grieve by grieving with him.
If that sounds insurmountable difficult, have tried going to counseling together?
posted by schadenfrau at 6:29 PM on March 6, 2019 [42 favorites]
. I am positive it is a way of masking his emotional pain
I’d say it’s possibly more a way of self-medicating and self-regulating overwhelming emotions that he can’t deal with with his existing skills? But either way, it’s an emotional need that’s being met, so
but I just can't seem to get him to think about the future and actually make good decisions
This isn’t going to work because it’s not really his thoughts that are the problem, it’s his feelings, and young people don’t have the same emotional regulation skills that adults are supposed to have. Treating this as though it’s about poor decisions rather than meeting emotional needs (in less than ideal ways) frames this, and him, as a failure, which brings with it a sense of shame, which makes it harder and harder to get through to someone.
When you sit down and try to explain about future whatever you’re kind of talking to a version of him that doesn’t exist at the moment. He’s not making rational decisions, he’s making decisions that make him feel better in the moment, or that make him feel normal — he might be chaotic and angry and scared inside, and it’s less alarming to feel that way in situations where you’re supposed to feel that way, so he’s seeking them out.
Most kids pick maladaptive ways of coping with overwhelming pain when other ways — healthier ways — aren’t available to them. You tried to get him a counselor, but unless you’ve made a real effort to talk to him and be there for him about his feelings, not his future, it’s possible he felt like you were pawning him off on someone else. You mentioned talking to him about his future, but not his feelings. Have you done this?
Have you talked to him about your feelings?
Your kid is 16. He’s old enough to know this is bad, this is hard, this is really fucked up. It’s possible to be honest and connect with him over the pain of that without trashing your ex (Although...goddamn, I am sorry, that is terrible.)
Have you grieved the loss of your family together? You have a new shape of your family now, but it’s important to acknowledge the loss.
Maybe you’ve done all of these things; I made a lot of assumptions based off a fairly brief post, and you know your kid. But acting out like this is almost always about dealing with overwhelming feelings that the kid doesn’t know how to deal with and can’t regulate on their own. You’re the parent who’s supposed to help him regulate them by showing him how and showing him that you’ll be there to help him. That might mean showing him how to grieve by grieving with him.
If that sounds insurmountable difficult, have tried going to counseling together?
posted by schadenfrau at 6:29 PM on March 6, 2019 [42 favorites]
I would suggest either try again with a different counselor or see if there is another trusted adult (uncle? neighbor? emphasis on the trusted part) he can speak to. I think the situation with you and his mother is a bit too 'loaded' (as it often is anyway with children and their parents as teens) and you really need a more neutral third party for him to listen to....I'm not saying give up on speaking to him, it sounds great that he confides in you and has ambitions to work with food. I just think the more caring adults with good intentions involved, the better. (He definitely seems to be acting out in a reactive way based on probably being confused and in pain as the people above have suggested).
posted by bquarters at 6:35 PM on March 6, 2019
posted by bquarters at 6:35 PM on March 6, 2019
He could probably use more caring adults in his life right now that aren't his parents.
Maybe try again with a new counselor that he helps to pick?
Maybe a long visit with a family member that he likes and feels good with?
Maybe even family counseling if you can manage to be in the same room and focused on what your kid needs. Family counselors will usually work in various combinations where it doesn't need to be all three of you every time.
posted by metahawk at 6:36 PM on March 6, 2019
Maybe try again with a new counselor that he helps to pick?
Maybe a long visit with a family member that he likes and feels good with?
Maybe even family counseling if you can manage to be in the same room and focused on what your kid needs. Family counselors will usually work in various combinations where it doesn't need to be all three of you every time.
posted by metahawk at 6:36 PM on March 6, 2019
I am a parent of two teenage boys. I am by no means parent of the year but my kids have done well in school and attend, which is more than I can say for myself. I was troubled and skipped a lot of school. Here are my random thoughts:
1. No to scared straight programs. You can't enroll someone in a program against their will and expect positive behavioral change.
2. Keep reminding him that he is capable and you understand that life has been difficult lately. Most importantly tell him you love him and show it with genuine interest -- concern for his well-being, and realistic expectations. Apologize if you've done wrong. Accept him as he is while encouraging like crazy. Positive encouragement.
3. As far as expectations go tell him that you expect him to go to school and you want to hear about it. Ask about homework. Ask about classes and his teachers. Check his grades online. Ask about his school often. Keep encouraging. Kids need to hear that their parents think they're capable and bright and lovable and worthy.
4. Make an effort to communicate in an adult way with your ex-wife. When parents don't get along it's very distressing to a child. Kids want their parents to be adults, nice people, and do the right thing. They don't understand why things have to be filled with drama and strife. It upsets them greatly. Try to drop the story where you were betrayed by your wife. Betrayal is a heavy word and if you hang on to the idea that you were BETRAYED you're going to be filled with anger and blame and unhappiness. In turn you will cause emotional distress to your kid. It's hard but nobody purposely set out to betray you. This isn't Macbeth. You have gone through a painful life situation but it's over and this is now. We are all damaged people trying to find love. Try to find some compassion and understanding for your ex-wife. If you can't do that right now, try to be stoic about it and accept the situation as it is without animosity and make efforts to show your son that you are getting on with it, you're a grownup who can cope, and you don't have ill will.
5. This is a hard time but have faith. Don't give up and stay close. There are wobbles in adolescence. Most likely everything will turn out fine.
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:44 PM on March 6, 2019 [13 favorites]
1. No to scared straight programs. You can't enroll someone in a program against their will and expect positive behavioral change.
2. Keep reminding him that he is capable and you understand that life has been difficult lately. Most importantly tell him you love him and show it with genuine interest -- concern for his well-being, and realistic expectations. Apologize if you've done wrong. Accept him as he is while encouraging like crazy. Positive encouragement.
3. As far as expectations go tell him that you expect him to go to school and you want to hear about it. Ask about homework. Ask about classes and his teachers. Check his grades online. Ask about his school often. Keep encouraging. Kids need to hear that their parents think they're capable and bright and lovable and worthy.
4. Make an effort to communicate in an adult way with your ex-wife. When parents don't get along it's very distressing to a child. Kids want their parents to be adults, nice people, and do the right thing. They don't understand why things have to be filled with drama and strife. It upsets them greatly. Try to drop the story where you were betrayed by your wife. Betrayal is a heavy word and if you hang on to the idea that you were BETRAYED you're going to be filled with anger and blame and unhappiness. In turn you will cause emotional distress to your kid. It's hard but nobody purposely set out to betray you. This isn't Macbeth. You have gone through a painful life situation but it's over and this is now. We are all damaged people trying to find love. Try to find some compassion and understanding for your ex-wife. If you can't do that right now, try to be stoic about it and accept the situation as it is without animosity and make efforts to show your son that you are getting on with it, you're a grownup who can cope, and you don't have ill will.
5. This is a hard time but have faith. Don't give up and stay close. There are wobbles in adolescence. Most likely everything will turn out fine.
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:44 PM on March 6, 2019 [13 favorites]
This isn't to contradict anything above, but just to call out a potential dynamic: I was in a similar position to your child with my parents when I was younger, and I wasn't confused about how fucked up it was that one of my parents did such a thing. I would have found attempts on my parents' side to present a "united front" to be upsetting because it would have felt like the betrayed parent was unfairly having to suppress their grievances just for the sake of presenting a pretty brittle facade, from my perspective. Everyone's different, and your son very well might benefit from the advice above on that matter, but I guess I would just suggest that you try to take his emotional temperature on the matter to better gauge whether it's something that will be helpful for him.
posted by invitapriore at 7:00 PM on March 6, 2019 [18 favorites]
posted by invitapriore at 7:00 PM on March 6, 2019 [18 favorites]
I am not a parent though I have worked with children a fair amount in my young adult years. I only mention this as I wonder if it has utility for managing children who can become basically unmanageable. Some years ago I went to a foster parent intro workshop where a potential foster parent could get some understanding of what is involved.
They explained each kid is managed with a fairly strict point system where privileges are extended or reduced based on behavior. Mess up and you lose points/privileges. Lose enough and you are in your bedroom at 8 PM with basically nothing to do but study or sleep. It sounds harsh but in a sense, it's quite rational and a way to demonstrate quite equitably how the world really works. Either you manage yourself and gain your freedom or the world responds by denying you room to maneuver.
Do your chores, show up on time, be responsible and your privileges escalate accordingly. Very cut and dried and very little in the way of wiggle room. Personally, I doubt any amount of talk is going to change the arc your kid is in. That's treating them like an adult, which they clearly are not. Good luck.
posted by diode at 7:30 PM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
They explained each kid is managed with a fairly strict point system where privileges are extended or reduced based on behavior. Mess up and you lose points/privileges. Lose enough and you are in your bedroom at 8 PM with basically nothing to do but study or sleep. It sounds harsh but in a sense, it's quite rational and a way to demonstrate quite equitably how the world really works. Either you manage yourself and gain your freedom or the world responds by denying you room to maneuver.
Do your chores, show up on time, be responsible and your privileges escalate accordingly. Very cut and dried and very little in the way of wiggle room. Personally, I doubt any amount of talk is going to change the arc your kid is in. That's treating them like an adult, which they clearly are not. Good luck.
posted by diode at 7:30 PM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
My ex-wife threw our family into turmoil by divorcing me and marrying my best friend. She left three years ago, got engaged four months after the divorce was final, and got re-married last May.
You're holding onto a lot of anger. Are you in therapy? I really want to encourage you to pursue therapy and deal with your anger at your ex-wife. Your son might be masking the pain he's feeling that's probably pretty clearly present in anything you say about his mom. You've forced him to choose sides, whether you meant to or not. It's been three years. The fact that you are still so angry, still talking about the divorce with such anger and emotion, must be impacting your son and your relationship with him. Maybe you can't forgive your ex-wife, but can you work towards letting go? In therapy you can also process the issues about what's happening with your son. You need to be able to talk to your ex-wife about all this.
I would reach out to the counseling staff at your kid's school and see what advice they have. I don't think your son is choosing to be cool; he's hanging out with his friends and experimenting. I'm also not convinced banning the friend from your house is doing anything other than driving your son away.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:36 PM on March 6, 2019 [12 favorites]
You're holding onto a lot of anger. Are you in therapy? I really want to encourage you to pursue therapy and deal with your anger at your ex-wife. Your son might be masking the pain he's feeling that's probably pretty clearly present in anything you say about his mom. You've forced him to choose sides, whether you meant to or not. It's been three years. The fact that you are still so angry, still talking about the divorce with such anger and emotion, must be impacting your son and your relationship with him. Maybe you can't forgive your ex-wife, but can you work towards letting go? In therapy you can also process the issues about what's happening with your son. You need to be able to talk to your ex-wife about all this.
I would reach out to the counseling staff at your kid's school and see what advice they have. I don't think your son is choosing to be cool; he's hanging out with his friends and experimenting. I'm also not convinced banning the friend from your house is doing anything other than driving your son away.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:36 PM on March 6, 2019 [12 favorites]
This is a problem which is difficult to resolve, but try to be as supportive, and as decent a role model as you can hope to be, and then just hope for the best. Sometimes it works out in the end.
posted by ovvl at 7:44 PM on March 6, 2019
posted by ovvl at 7:44 PM on March 6, 2019
The pot, booze, and even the skipping school are things my friends and I did to various degrees at around that age. Pretty much everyone ended up with middle class jobs and good lives, some through a circuitous route (going to an alternative school, for example, that focused on independent study and small class sizes, with caring teachers).
The girlfriend at the tweaker house, though... yikes. There be dragons, I think. Her parents etc are normalizing meth use... that could steer things in a scary direction.
He’s probably drawn to her because she’s experienced a similar pain, so there’s emotional resonance. And maybe that crowd is providing a sense of family or belonging he’s missing?
I could *well* understand any temptation to get him the hell out of there, for sure. Can you afford to send him somewhere semi-exotic and intriguing that taps into his natural interests and motivation? Not “scared straight” stuff - maybe a culinary institute somewhere cool? Or, I know a few people who had good experiences with Outward Bound, back in the 90s... they got a lot out of the sense of shared purpose, bonding, structure, someone else had a life-changing experience at an arts camp... 16 might be a touch old to be forced, but gently encouraged, maybe? Anything to suggest a shift in perspective, even for a short time, and have him be around people not into meth... perhaps without saying anything negative about his girlfriend, nothing explicit about getting him away from her, more about providing an opportunity for him to have a special experience? (I know one person who was forced into music to keep him out of trouble. It actually worked, he now has a career in the arts, but it was a different time and place, where authoritarian parenting was the norm.)
In the meantime, do your best to provide what he’s after the best you can - belonging and love.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:20 PM on March 6, 2019 [1 favorite]
The girlfriend at the tweaker house, though... yikes. There be dragons, I think. Her parents etc are normalizing meth use... that could steer things in a scary direction.
He’s probably drawn to her because she’s experienced a similar pain, so there’s emotional resonance. And maybe that crowd is providing a sense of family or belonging he’s missing?
I could *well* understand any temptation to get him the hell out of there, for sure. Can you afford to send him somewhere semi-exotic and intriguing that taps into his natural interests and motivation? Not “scared straight” stuff - maybe a culinary institute somewhere cool? Or, I know a few people who had good experiences with Outward Bound, back in the 90s... they got a lot out of the sense of shared purpose, bonding, structure, someone else had a life-changing experience at an arts camp... 16 might be a touch old to be forced, but gently encouraged, maybe? Anything to suggest a shift in perspective, even for a short time, and have him be around people not into meth... perhaps without saying anything negative about his girlfriend, nothing explicit about getting him away from her, more about providing an opportunity for him to have a special experience? (I know one person who was forced into music to keep him out of trouble. It actually worked, he now has a career in the arts, but it was a different time and place, where authoritarian parenting was the norm.)
In the meantime, do your best to provide what he’s after the best you can - belonging and love.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:20 PM on March 6, 2019 [1 favorite]
There are so many negative emotions here, anger and sadness and betrayal and loss. One of the reasons he's making all these bad choices because he wants to get away from all of that and have some fun for a change. Something you could try to establish a better bond between you is find something to do together that he'll enjoy - get a gaming system and play together, shop for ingredients and cook together... The more he views you as a trusted friend, the more likely he'll open up about how he feels, the less he'll need to hang out with dodgy friends to blow off steam.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:33 PM on March 6, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:33 PM on March 6, 2019 [2 favorites]
Not to sound dismissive of what is obviously a very stressful and difficult time, but a lot of what you describe sounds just like the teenage years of myself and many of my friends. Lots of anger, lots of weed, lots of skipping school and hanging out with sketchy people, lots of poor choices and taking needless risks. All of us ended up going on to college/grad school and have boring middle class lives now. It's not that there's no need to worry or intervene -- you are completely right that these are poor choices being made out of anger and unhappiness -- but it's also not a guarantee of bad outcomes.
Or, I know a few people who had good experiences with Outward Bound, back in the 90s...
I never had a chance to go but I also knew people back then who were sent (usually complaining) to Outward Bound and similar programs, and their experiences were all really positive. Not necessarily in the sense of creating an instant, night-and-day transformation, but rather helping someone make a bit of a course correction towards making consistently better choices. I don't know if this kind of thing is an option for you (even back in the day these weren't cheap programs), but at the least it would be worth looking into.
The last thing I'd note is that for some people (like myself) high school just plain sucked and wasn't a good use of time. I was bored, I hated it and did very poorly, and in hindsight I should have dropped out, gotten a GED, and done pretty much literally anything else (ie worked, traveled, etc) until I was ready for college. If high school isn't the right place at this moment for him, there are other paths that you and he can consider.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:14 AM on March 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
Or, I know a few people who had good experiences with Outward Bound, back in the 90s...
I never had a chance to go but I also knew people back then who were sent (usually complaining) to Outward Bound and similar programs, and their experiences were all really positive. Not necessarily in the sense of creating an instant, night-and-day transformation, but rather helping someone make a bit of a course correction towards making consistently better choices. I don't know if this kind of thing is an option for you (even back in the day these weren't cheap programs), but at the least it would be worth looking into.
The last thing I'd note is that for some people (like myself) high school just plain sucked and wasn't a good use of time. I was bored, I hated it and did very poorly, and in hindsight I should have dropped out, gotten a GED, and done pretty much literally anything else (ie worked, traveled, etc) until I was ready for college. If high school isn't the right place at this moment for him, there are other paths that you and he can consider.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:14 AM on March 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
Oh yeah, my son went through a similar period. Even to squatting in a condo that was due for foreclosure (owned by a relative who had abandoned it) with a bunch of other punks. Pot, drinking, just overall doing nothing but that and playing video games, scrounging for money. At that point, he was 18 so out of anyone's control (that didn't stop us from trying to help him).
One thing that helped was he loved cars and music. He saw his friends growing up and getting the cars they wanted, he was in a band for a while, and he did bounce back and forth between me and his Dad. When the free condo got repo'd, he went to live with his Dad and Dad's girlfriend. That ended when Dad broke up with her, and he had to find a place to live, as well as a job.
We also took him to counselors, he went for a while and refused to go back.
Things I have helped him with is buying him car parts for his old Honda, Dad has helped there too. He loves that car and fixing it up. He is now in a place with roommates and he has a steady job. Talking about moving to the country and going back to the land. I've pointed out to him that one of his cousins went to trade school for a year and now has 2 cars and his own place in a rural setting, and that I would help finance that if he wanted to do it. He's 25 now, but there was a lot of anger and even some wall punching, and his Dad and I were on speaking terms, had a mostly amicable divorce, etc. I think the least you can do is not talk about his Mom or your resentment and focus on him.
I think the trade school idea is a good one. When I was in HS, kids were given the choice between college prep or going to a local trade school. Especially if it gets him away from the bad influences. My son had a friend who was always getting him to do stuff, let's go party, etc., but they are not close anymore.
If not trade school, is there a cooking class you guys can take together? Or does he like cars? Go to car shows and get involved with a local car group?
My son's Dad used to take him to a big jazz music festival every year, a road trip kind of thing, just for the two of them, and he really loved that.
Also, is there any chance he could come live with you full time? I think at some age, kids are allowed to choose which parent to live with?
The one hard and fast rule I'd set is no going to those tweaker houses. And the consequences if he does. I'd even call the cops if you have evidence of illegal drug use -- anonymous tip line. Kids need boundaries and he's still a kid. Draw a bright hard line on that one.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:25 AM on March 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
One thing that helped was he loved cars and music. He saw his friends growing up and getting the cars they wanted, he was in a band for a while, and he did bounce back and forth between me and his Dad. When the free condo got repo'd, he went to live with his Dad and Dad's girlfriend. That ended when Dad broke up with her, and he had to find a place to live, as well as a job.
We also took him to counselors, he went for a while and refused to go back.
Things I have helped him with is buying him car parts for his old Honda, Dad has helped there too. He loves that car and fixing it up. He is now in a place with roommates and he has a steady job. Talking about moving to the country and going back to the land. I've pointed out to him that one of his cousins went to trade school for a year and now has 2 cars and his own place in a rural setting, and that I would help finance that if he wanted to do it. He's 25 now, but there was a lot of anger and even some wall punching, and his Dad and I were on speaking terms, had a mostly amicable divorce, etc. I think the least you can do is not talk about his Mom or your resentment and focus on him.
I think the trade school idea is a good one. When I was in HS, kids were given the choice between college prep or going to a local trade school. Especially if it gets him away from the bad influences. My son had a friend who was always getting him to do stuff, let's go party, etc., but they are not close anymore.
If not trade school, is there a cooking class you guys can take together? Or does he like cars? Go to car shows and get involved with a local car group?
My son's Dad used to take him to a big jazz music festival every year, a road trip kind of thing, just for the two of them, and he really loved that.
Also, is there any chance he could come live with you full time? I think at some age, kids are allowed to choose which parent to live with?
The one hard and fast rule I'd set is no going to those tweaker houses. And the consequences if he does. I'd even call the cops if you have evidence of illegal drug use -- anonymous tip line. Kids need boundaries and he's still a kid. Draw a bright hard line on that one.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:25 AM on March 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
Just to add on to my previous comment, and to some others:
if you haven't talked to your son in a real way, at the level he's able to understand (which is...most levels, now), about his feelings, your feelings, the fact that this shitty, traumatic thing is happening to both of you, in different ways...
He likely is experiencing that as an abandonment, even if he wouldn't have the language to describe it as such, because it is an abandonment. I understand the received wisdom is to protect a child from parental conflict by walling it off, but that is no longer possible (if it ever was); your ex-wife blew that up entirely. If you're not talking to your son about all of this you're leaving him to deal with something unmanageable all on his own, and he's only 16. So he's using the tools he does have at his disposal.
I think both you and your son need your own spaces in which to process your grief and anger; I think you should both be in individual therapy, as soon as that becomes possible. But I think, first things first, he needs his dad. Like to get to the point where individual therapy doesn't feel like another form of abandonment, he needs you to be there first. He needs you to acknowledge that you haven't handled this perfectly, because who the fuck knows how to do this? because you're human too, because this is fucking insane. It might be important to acknowledge if you've made mistakes. But that you love him, and you want to be here for him, and you want to talk about this honestly, including all the ugly parts neither of you know how to handle. That you'll figure this out together.
If I were you I would start by saying something like that. And then I'd make sure we spent time together regularly. And then...you take it as it comes. There's no roadmap for this. All you can do is keep talking to your son, keep being honest with him, and keep being there for him. If you provide him with alternative ways of feeling better, and of feeling safe, hopefully he'll take them.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:29 AM on March 7, 2019 [4 favorites]
if you haven't talked to your son in a real way, at the level he's able to understand (which is...most levels, now), about his feelings, your feelings, the fact that this shitty, traumatic thing is happening to both of you, in different ways...
He likely is experiencing that as an abandonment, even if he wouldn't have the language to describe it as such, because it is an abandonment. I understand the received wisdom is to protect a child from parental conflict by walling it off, but that is no longer possible (if it ever was); your ex-wife blew that up entirely. If you're not talking to your son about all of this you're leaving him to deal with something unmanageable all on his own, and he's only 16. So he's using the tools he does have at his disposal.
I think both you and your son need your own spaces in which to process your grief and anger; I think you should both be in individual therapy, as soon as that becomes possible. But I think, first things first, he needs his dad. Like to get to the point where individual therapy doesn't feel like another form of abandonment, he needs you to be there first. He needs you to acknowledge that you haven't handled this perfectly, because who the fuck knows how to do this? because you're human too, because this is fucking insane. It might be important to acknowledge if you've made mistakes. But that you love him, and you want to be here for him, and you want to talk about this honestly, including all the ugly parts neither of you know how to handle. That you'll figure this out together.
If I were you I would start by saying something like that. And then I'd make sure we spent time together regularly. And then...you take it as it comes. There's no roadmap for this. All you can do is keep talking to your son, keep being honest with him, and keep being there for him. If you provide him with alternative ways of feeling better, and of feeling safe, hopefully he'll take them.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:29 AM on March 7, 2019 [4 favorites]
There was a pretty big breakup in my family when I was 13. I also struggled with school and friends and meeting my parents' expectations. I agree with several of the people above about some of this being within a norm (also about the need to set a hard line at hanging out at the adult meth houses, that is not cool!)
What I think brought me through those years was that I lived with the parent in my life who was a complete rock. My mom always trusted me and made sure I knew I could tell her anything, call her in the middle of the night if I needed a ride, etc. Knowing that she and I were on the same side, even when we fought and even when I was sneaking around on her rules (which were generous,) gave me some baseline confidence. Nothing I could do would ever mean she didn't love me.
So I think you could try to be that parent for your kid, so that when he comes through this particular period in his life, which sounds like it's not much fun for him either, he will have a model of what love and attachment look like.
My mom also never badmouthed either my dad or my stepdad once they broke up. She told me facts and let me learn the shape of my relationships with them. As I got older I learned who really had my back. I know she had places to process the breakup with my stepdad (I think Al Anon was really important for a while) and friends who supported her, and while she never made it my responsibility to help her with the pain of that ending, she also let me see it sometimes and I think that made it easier for me to see her as a real person instead of a rigid rules enforcer.
It's really hard, that balance.
Also I spent grade 10 abroad. That broke up some of my unhealthy friendships, gave me an enormous amount of independence in a pretty structured setting, and brought me home to my close friends in grade 11 with a chance to pick things up differently.
Friends at that time without the kind of strong family support I had really struggled a lot longer. I had friends whose parents checked them into teen rehab and it basically ruined a decade or more of their lives. I had friends who were kicked out of the house and had years of unstable housing and financial struggles. I had friends who were so damaged by how their teens went that they later took their own lives. Of the friends who lived, many of them are stable, happy, housed, and have raised families themselves. We can carry a lot.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 8:15 AM on March 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
What I think brought me through those years was that I lived with the parent in my life who was a complete rock. My mom always trusted me and made sure I knew I could tell her anything, call her in the middle of the night if I needed a ride, etc. Knowing that she and I were on the same side, even when we fought and even when I was sneaking around on her rules (which were generous,) gave me some baseline confidence. Nothing I could do would ever mean she didn't love me.
So I think you could try to be that parent for your kid, so that when he comes through this particular period in his life, which sounds like it's not much fun for him either, he will have a model of what love and attachment look like.
My mom also never badmouthed either my dad or my stepdad once they broke up. She told me facts and let me learn the shape of my relationships with them. As I got older I learned who really had my back. I know she had places to process the breakup with my stepdad (I think Al Anon was really important for a while) and friends who supported her, and while she never made it my responsibility to help her with the pain of that ending, she also let me see it sometimes and I think that made it easier for me to see her as a real person instead of a rigid rules enforcer.
It's really hard, that balance.
Also I spent grade 10 abroad. That broke up some of my unhealthy friendships, gave me an enormous amount of independence in a pretty structured setting, and brought me home to my close friends in grade 11 with a chance to pick things up differently.
Friends at that time without the kind of strong family support I had really struggled a lot longer. I had friends whose parents checked them into teen rehab and it basically ruined a decade or more of their lives. I had friends who were kicked out of the house and had years of unstable housing and financial struggles. I had friends who were so damaged by how their teens went that they later took their own lives. Of the friends who lived, many of them are stable, happy, housed, and have raised families themselves. We can carry a lot.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 8:15 AM on March 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
I want to clarify what I mean by United front in case it wasn't clear.
Kids raised with both parents benefit from knowing both parents care about their well being and interests. It creates better structure and stability when the parents can communicate about discipline issues. You don't necessarily need to get along with someone or wish them Goodwill to be on the same page about your child. You don't have to suppress your feelings to do that either.
Gently, it's unfair that your son should suffer because you cannot find a way to communicate with your ex due to feeling betrayed. As parents we have an obligation to do our best to contain our own pain so we can help our children. That doesn't mean pretend it isn't there. I definitely think you should get a good therapist to help you with your grief. I don't think it's wrong for your child to see you grieving or wrestling with how to pick up the pieces of your life. That's human.
But it's also easy for kids to go for the weak spot in the structure, because they need the LOVE that they get from gently being contained. I love you so I'm holding to this boundary. I love you so I will discourage unhealthy things. They test, because they need to know they matter enough that we will keep holding them accountable.
You can work with your ex to share mutual concerns for the well-being of your child and his future without suppressing anything because your role as an ex is not your role as a parent.
I liken it to a workplace where the immediate supervisor doesn't get along with the next level up. Maybe they disagree on which values to prioritize with a subordinate. But when they call in the subordinate to express concerns, the subordinate isn't supposed to see the disagreement.
posted by crunchy potato at 9:24 AM on March 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
Kids raised with both parents benefit from knowing both parents care about their well being and interests. It creates better structure and stability when the parents can communicate about discipline issues. You don't necessarily need to get along with someone or wish them Goodwill to be on the same page about your child. You don't have to suppress your feelings to do that either.
Gently, it's unfair that your son should suffer because you cannot find a way to communicate with your ex due to feeling betrayed. As parents we have an obligation to do our best to contain our own pain so we can help our children. That doesn't mean pretend it isn't there. I definitely think you should get a good therapist to help you with your grief. I don't think it's wrong for your child to see you grieving or wrestling with how to pick up the pieces of your life. That's human.
But it's also easy for kids to go for the weak spot in the structure, because they need the LOVE that they get from gently being contained. I love you so I'm holding to this boundary. I love you so I will discourage unhealthy things. They test, because they need to know they matter enough that we will keep holding them accountable.
You can work with your ex to share mutual concerns for the well-being of your child and his future without suppressing anything because your role as an ex is not your role as a parent.
I liken it to a workplace where the immediate supervisor doesn't get along with the next level up. Maybe they disagree on which values to prioritize with a subordinate. But when they call in the subordinate to express concerns, the subordinate isn't supposed to see the disagreement.
posted by crunchy potato at 9:24 AM on March 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
You might want to read The Film Club - it's not an approach I have any direct personal experience of but I think it touches well on parent-child connection at this age.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:48 AM on March 7, 2019
posted by warriorqueen at 9:48 AM on March 7, 2019
If you want him and his friends to be at your house instead of his girlfriend's tweaker parents house, then they all have to be welcome. Banning a kid from your house because they were drinking sounds like massive overkill here - if I were you I would rescind that ban, and also tell him that his girlfriend is welcome to stay over at your house, either with him or on the couch/a spare room according to your preferences. She might want somewhere to go that isn't her lousy parents, and he might be happy not to be there as well.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 10:02 AM on March 7, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by the agents of KAOS at 10:02 AM on March 7, 2019 [4 favorites]
Are there any rules he has to abide by? What are the consequences of him skipping school, drinking and getting arrested, etc.? Maybe he's actually too young to have as much freedom as he apparently has. Sometimes kids push boundaries because they want someone to say "no." It can show that you care and are paying attention and gives them an excuse that can save face with their friends. ("My dad is totally lame and grounding me, sorry.")
That aside, I second the suggestion to try therapy again, both individually for both of you and together. That's a lot for each of you to deal with, and talking about your feelings and finding ways to cope with them that are healthier is needed. Treat this as a crisis because it is.
posted by purple_bird at 2:33 PM on March 7, 2019
That aside, I second the suggestion to try therapy again, both individually for both of you and together. That's a lot for each of you to deal with, and talking about your feelings and finding ways to cope with them that are healthier is needed. Treat this as a crisis because it is.
posted by purple_bird at 2:33 PM on March 7, 2019
I’m a woman now, but was a troubled girl and the agents of KAOS answer, I liked it. It’s probably better the kids are at your house... but maybe that is a certain parenting style that you have to believe in? I had a few friends who’s parents were like that. “Hey guys, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (leave a lot of ley way) and don’t be noisy or disturb my sleep, but I will serve you breakfast....” when you are that gracious and kind then they never want to piss you off. hOWEVER, if you fake it I imagine it can really explode in your face- I think those parents actually trusted their kids.
posted by catspajammies at 12:25 PM on March 8, 2019
posted by catspajammies at 12:25 PM on March 8, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
The one thing I CAN say is that we were warned against taking a "scared straight/tough love" approach. Search the terms using Google Scholar and you can find more info—the subject has been thoroughly research.
Good luck and hang in there. You have PLENTY of company.
posted by she's not there at 6:09 PM on March 6, 2019 [13 favorites]