Bi woman here; do I pursue a gay woman who's giving mixed signals?
March 6, 2019 4:37 PM Subscribe
I've casually gotten to know an incredibly cool/pretty woman (31F) whom I just learned is definitely gay, and who I think might be flirting with me (23F). Can anyone help me become less of a useless bisexual? Much more inside; sorry in advance for the anxious essay that ensued when I attempted to think this situation through!
I moved to a small suburb outside a large US city about a year ago so that I could afford to go back to school, and over time I've gradually gotten to know some of the "regulars" (both fellow customers and staff) at various establishments around town. One of the first people I met when I moved here was a woman within my same age bracket (let's call her Jane), who tends bar a few nights a week at one of the only establishments serving alcohol in the immediate area. I've probably shown my face there an average of three or four times a month over the past year; I've typically tried to do so on days of the week that she made sure to tell me she'd be there. We initially bonded over our shared political beliefs (which can be hard to come by in this town, despite its liberal metropolitan surroundings) and joint experiences of being ethnically "invisible minorities", who are often made privy to a lot of unpleasantness by unsuspecting bigots as a result. We also have overlapping taste in a lot of the media we consume (at least as far as I can tell at this point) and similar senses of humor. Basically, I think she's overall super cool and fun to talk to, with lots of interesting things to say (and, yeah, she also happens to be one of the most strikingly beautiful women I've ever seen). I've spent the past year secretly in awe of how incredibly gorgeous and cool I think she is, while also doing my very best to conceal any signs that could potentially reveal my attraction. Now, I have successfully managed to seduce/hook up with/briefly date women in the past (not that this matters other than as an additional point for context!), but as mentioned, I'm most confident and savvy as a flirt in situations where I can lean on our collectively-understood male and female cultural roles to help guide me if need be.
A few months after we'd first started met and started chatting semi-regularly, she casually gave me her phone number and suggested I text her at some point to grab drinks outside of her work. Even if I had had the nerve to make my interest obvious at the time, I wouldn't have, since I know bartenders/waitstaff/baristas/etc. are constantly dealing with customers who've misconstrued their friendly customer service as being signs of genuine interest. Since she gave her number to me, though, unprompted, I figured that might be a slightly different story. I was still under the impression that she was straight at this point (though I definitely had suspicions... which, again, I wrote off as wishful thinking), so I interpreted this as a purely friendly gesture and moved on (which it very well might have been!). I never did text her or try to hang out; I was literally just way too intimidated by her and felt awkward. There were also a handful of other potentially-ambiguous signs sprinkled in during these many months of light socializing, including a couple of instances where she complimented me, in detail, on whatever perfume I was wearing that night. Again, I assumed she was just really friendly and/or doing what's required of a person who earns their wages through tips. She's always paid me a good amount of attention relative to other customers, but nothing that unambiguously screamed "this is more than platonic!" to me. It can be a bit of an older crowd in there, so I chalked it up to her enjoying having someone more her own age to converse with.
However. A few nights ago, I stopped by the pub and saw her for the first time since around Christmastime. We'd both been traveling to various places visiting family over the holidays, then I'd been on a work gig for nearly an additional month after that. Right off the bat, I noticed a change in our dynamic from how it had always been previously... more overtly flirtatious, for starters. I came in and sat down at the bar, and when she turned around and saw me her eyes lit up and she she exclaimed "[My name]! You're back!" while briefly clasping my hands in hers for emphasis across the bartop. I was really happy to see her, too, which isn't a feeling I normally anticipate when I know I'll be 'reuniting' with someone I like but don't know particularly well. She helps me pick a beer from the taps on offer, giving me a few different samples even though the bar wasn't exactly quiet and I didn't ask her to do so, and spent a lot of time circling back to me in her spare moments. This time, she managed to make mention of an ex-girlfriend relatively early in the conversation, plus she told me a story about a night out she'd had at a well-known gay bar in the area. I said, "Oh?" and she goes "Have I never mentioned I'm gay? Yeah I came out when I was 19..." I actually came out as bi to my family when I was the same age, so we exchanged stories about that for a bit as the bar died down, then we segued into sharing music we liked (she expressed a fondness for King Princess' song "Pussy is God", specifically telling me that she thought the lyrics were "hot"). I noticed her crack a few dirty jokes and use a handful of innuendos with me throughout the night, which wasn't something I'd noticed in the past, and we were just generally vibe-ing and exchanging a lot of (at least what seemed like) unusually-loaded, flirtatious eye contact. She was also laughing SO hard at every single joke I made all night, even exclaiming at one point how I was "killing it" tonight and being totally hilarious... At this point I was freaking out, because I'd spent so much time convincing myself she was straight and would never so much as look sideways at me... yet here she was, flirting with me and informing me of her homosexuality?!
At one point near closing time, an older woman (whom I've seen there a few times before and who clearly knew Jane pretty well) came and sat down to join our conversation, but excused herself and headed home within a few minutes of visibly noticing/picking up on the energy happening between Jane and me. Eventually, the only people left in the whole bar were Jane and myself - she'd even sent the last of the kitchen staff on their way already, assuring him that she was fine to finish closing. I asked her (multiple times, no less) to please gently kick me out if I was in the way or if she wanted to focus on closing without someone hanging around, but she wanted me to stay and keep her company. While she settled the cash register, I tipsily voiced aloud my incredulity that my gaydar had been right all along, and that now I didn't know what to do with myself. Jane is 31 to my 23, which I just learned the other night as well, but regardless, I feel like between the two of us I've been much more forward. She asked me why I'd never texted her to hang out in the months prior, and I admitted I had been too nervous/intimidated to try and make plans. I also told her how absurdly beautiful I think she is (honestly, it wasn't even in a "pickup line" kind of way... I just meant it), which made her SO flustered/shy that she couldn't even make eye contact with me for a minute. I tried to pay my tab (I'd had two "regular" draft beers, followed by her refilling me just because), but she insisted she wouldn't take my money.
I offered to walk her to her car since she was closing the place down alone, but she said she still had a few loose ends to tie up and that she'd walk me out front. Once outside, we did the whole "nervously/hesitantly linger a little too close within their personal bubble while gazing at each others' lips" thing for a minute, but (possibly cause she saw I was a little too tipsy haha) she demurred, stepping back and bemusedly/suggestively saying "Goodnight, [My name]..." before initiating a really close, lingering hug. God, I could have died of happiness and sapphic shock hahaha. I texted an hour or so later to say I hoped I hadn't impeded her closing routine and that I was wondering if she'd let me buy her a drink one of these nights. She responded the next morning, saying she was happy I had stopped by that night as it's always nice to see me, and that she was totally down to get a drink/to suggest a day that worked for me.
The thing is, I texted back and suggested we try for this Thursday evening if she was free... and that was nearly a full 24 hours ago. Is the not texting back as fast a "generational" (not really what I mean, more like "older Millennial vs. younger Millennial") difference? I highly doubt that, but the thought does soothe my ego/anxiety a bit ;) Can anyone see where I might have gone wrong? Should I just forget I ever attempted to make plans for drinks, burn off my fingerprints, and abruptly leave town to start a new life elsewhere? Are there other reasons I might not have considered to explain why interacting romantically with women almost always feels confusing and intimidating in a way that the same interactions with men never have? If anyone read this all the way through, you're a champion among champions. I know I'm a little neurotic and am probably wayyy overthinking this; I just feel so out of my depth. Any and all insights/thoughts/reflections the hivemind has to share would be super-appreciated, including (especially?) those that boil down to "go sit quietly in the corner and stop ruminating so much before you wear out the keyboard on your laptop, idiot".
I moved to a small suburb outside a large US city about a year ago so that I could afford to go back to school, and over time I've gradually gotten to know some of the "regulars" (both fellow customers and staff) at various establishments around town. One of the first people I met when I moved here was a woman within my same age bracket (let's call her Jane), who tends bar a few nights a week at one of the only establishments serving alcohol in the immediate area. I've probably shown my face there an average of three or four times a month over the past year; I've typically tried to do so on days of the week that she made sure to tell me she'd be there. We initially bonded over our shared political beliefs (which can be hard to come by in this town, despite its liberal metropolitan surroundings) and joint experiences of being ethnically "invisible minorities", who are often made privy to a lot of unpleasantness by unsuspecting bigots as a result. We also have overlapping taste in a lot of the media we consume (at least as far as I can tell at this point) and similar senses of humor. Basically, I think she's overall super cool and fun to talk to, with lots of interesting things to say (and, yeah, she also happens to be one of the most strikingly beautiful women I've ever seen). I've spent the past year secretly in awe of how incredibly gorgeous and cool I think she is, while also doing my very best to conceal any signs that could potentially reveal my attraction. Now, I have successfully managed to seduce/hook up with/briefly date women in the past (not that this matters other than as an additional point for context!), but as mentioned, I'm most confident and savvy as a flirt in situations where I can lean on our collectively-understood male and female cultural roles to help guide me if need be.
A few months after we'd first started met and started chatting semi-regularly, she casually gave me her phone number and suggested I text her at some point to grab drinks outside of her work. Even if I had had the nerve to make my interest obvious at the time, I wouldn't have, since I know bartenders/waitstaff/baristas/etc. are constantly dealing with customers who've misconstrued their friendly customer service as being signs of genuine interest. Since she gave her number to me, though, unprompted, I figured that might be a slightly different story. I was still under the impression that she was straight at this point (though I definitely had suspicions... which, again, I wrote off as wishful thinking), so I interpreted this as a purely friendly gesture and moved on (which it very well might have been!). I never did text her or try to hang out; I was literally just way too intimidated by her and felt awkward. There were also a handful of other potentially-ambiguous signs sprinkled in during these many months of light socializing, including a couple of instances where she complimented me, in detail, on whatever perfume I was wearing that night. Again, I assumed she was just really friendly and/or doing what's required of a person who earns their wages through tips. She's always paid me a good amount of attention relative to other customers, but nothing that unambiguously screamed "this is more than platonic!" to me. It can be a bit of an older crowd in there, so I chalked it up to her enjoying having someone more her own age to converse with.
However. A few nights ago, I stopped by the pub and saw her for the first time since around Christmastime. We'd both been traveling to various places visiting family over the holidays, then I'd been on a work gig for nearly an additional month after that. Right off the bat, I noticed a change in our dynamic from how it had always been previously... more overtly flirtatious, for starters. I came in and sat down at the bar, and when she turned around and saw me her eyes lit up and she she exclaimed "[My name]! You're back!" while briefly clasping my hands in hers for emphasis across the bartop. I was really happy to see her, too, which isn't a feeling I normally anticipate when I know I'll be 'reuniting' with someone I like but don't know particularly well. She helps me pick a beer from the taps on offer, giving me a few different samples even though the bar wasn't exactly quiet and I didn't ask her to do so, and spent a lot of time circling back to me in her spare moments. This time, she managed to make mention of an ex-girlfriend relatively early in the conversation, plus she told me a story about a night out she'd had at a well-known gay bar in the area. I said, "Oh?" and she goes "Have I never mentioned I'm gay? Yeah I came out when I was 19..." I actually came out as bi to my family when I was the same age, so we exchanged stories about that for a bit as the bar died down, then we segued into sharing music we liked (she expressed a fondness for King Princess' song "Pussy is God", specifically telling me that she thought the lyrics were "hot"). I noticed her crack a few dirty jokes and use a handful of innuendos with me throughout the night, which wasn't something I'd noticed in the past, and we were just generally vibe-ing and exchanging a lot of (at least what seemed like) unusually-loaded, flirtatious eye contact. She was also laughing SO hard at every single joke I made all night, even exclaiming at one point how I was "killing it" tonight and being totally hilarious... At this point I was freaking out, because I'd spent so much time convincing myself she was straight and would never so much as look sideways at me... yet here she was, flirting with me and informing me of her homosexuality?!
At one point near closing time, an older woman (whom I've seen there a few times before and who clearly knew Jane pretty well) came and sat down to join our conversation, but excused herself and headed home within a few minutes of visibly noticing/picking up on the energy happening between Jane and me. Eventually, the only people left in the whole bar were Jane and myself - she'd even sent the last of the kitchen staff on their way already, assuring him that she was fine to finish closing. I asked her (multiple times, no less) to please gently kick me out if I was in the way or if she wanted to focus on closing without someone hanging around, but she wanted me to stay and keep her company. While she settled the cash register, I tipsily voiced aloud my incredulity that my gaydar had been right all along, and that now I didn't know what to do with myself. Jane is 31 to my 23, which I just learned the other night as well, but regardless, I feel like between the two of us I've been much more forward. She asked me why I'd never texted her to hang out in the months prior, and I admitted I had been too nervous/intimidated to try and make plans. I also told her how absurdly beautiful I think she is (honestly, it wasn't even in a "pickup line" kind of way... I just meant it), which made her SO flustered/shy that she couldn't even make eye contact with me for a minute. I tried to pay my tab (I'd had two "regular" draft beers, followed by her refilling me just because), but she insisted she wouldn't take my money.
I offered to walk her to her car since she was closing the place down alone, but she said she still had a few loose ends to tie up and that she'd walk me out front. Once outside, we did the whole "nervously/hesitantly linger a little too close within their personal bubble while gazing at each others' lips" thing for a minute, but (possibly cause she saw I was a little too tipsy haha) she demurred, stepping back and bemusedly/suggestively saying "Goodnight, [My name]..." before initiating a really close, lingering hug. God, I could have died of happiness and sapphic shock hahaha. I texted an hour or so later to say I hoped I hadn't impeded her closing routine and that I was wondering if she'd let me buy her a drink one of these nights. She responded the next morning, saying she was happy I had stopped by that night as it's always nice to see me, and that she was totally down to get a drink/to suggest a day that worked for me.
The thing is, I texted back and suggested we try for this Thursday evening if she was free... and that was nearly a full 24 hours ago. Is the not texting back as fast a "generational" (not really what I mean, more like "older Millennial vs. younger Millennial") difference? I highly doubt that, but the thought does soothe my ego/anxiety a bit ;) Can anyone see where I might have gone wrong? Should I just forget I ever attempted to make plans for drinks, burn off my fingerprints, and abruptly leave town to start a new life elsewhere? Are there other reasons I might not have considered to explain why interacting romantically with women almost always feels confusing and intimidating in a way that the same interactions with men never have? If anyone read this all the way through, you're a champion among champions. I know I'm a little neurotic and am probably wayyy overthinking this; I just feel so out of my depth. Any and all insights/thoughts/reflections the hivemind has to share would be super-appreciated, including (especially?) those that boil down to "go sit quietly in the corner and stop ruminating so much before you wear out the keyboard on your laptop, idiot".
Best answer: fellow useless bisexual here. i am also a slow texter. we suck; we're sorry. but the HAND HOLDING, second banana! the lingering hug! all the signs point to an amazing next encounter with this woman when she finally gets back around to texting you. keep us updated. <3
posted by wintersonata9 at 4:54 PM on March 6, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by wintersonata9 at 4:54 PM on March 6, 2019 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Wait... so when did you text her? You say you wanted to make plans for Thursday (which is tomorrow), but when did you send that text?
If it was the same night that this happened ("a few nights ago", so like what, over the weekend maybe?), then, yeah, there might be mixed signals at play, or maybe she has a girlfriend, or maybe she woke up the next morning and reconsidered for any of a million reasons that we can't know. Maybe something happened to her/in her life that made hanging out almost a week later less of a priority. It would be kind of her to tell you that, but some people just don't and it sucks. Or, honestly, it could all be fine and she could be a slow texter. Or not a planning ahead type of person. Also, she could have thought, "Thursday is a ways away, I'll definitely text her back to confirm but first..." and then forgot to, or even forgot that she didn't respond. We don't know.
If you texted her within the last 48 hours, though, I would assume that she will text back and nothing is wrong. Maybe she's just been busy. I don't think this is necessarily a generational thing (I'm 38 and will mostly text back right away, unless I'm busy, and then I'll intend to text back when I have a moment, but sometimes I forget), but IDK, it could be?
For the record, I think she likes you, but as someone in my 30s it is also my experience that sometimes liking somebody isn't the whole story.
Seconding that this isn't your fault.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 5:03 PM on March 6, 2019 [2 favorites]
If it was the same night that this happened ("a few nights ago", so like what, over the weekend maybe?), then, yeah, there might be mixed signals at play, or maybe she has a girlfriend, or maybe she woke up the next morning and reconsidered for any of a million reasons that we can't know. Maybe something happened to her/in her life that made hanging out almost a week later less of a priority. It would be kind of her to tell you that, but some people just don't and it sucks. Or, honestly, it could all be fine and she could be a slow texter. Or not a planning ahead type of person. Also, she could have thought, "Thursday is a ways away, I'll definitely text her back to confirm but first..." and then forgot to, or even forgot that she didn't respond. We don't know.
If you texted her within the last 48 hours, though, I would assume that she will text back and nothing is wrong. Maybe she's just been busy. I don't think this is necessarily a generational thing (I'm 38 and will mostly text back right away, unless I'm busy, and then I'll intend to text back when I have a moment, but sometimes I forget), but IDK, it could be?
For the record, I think she likes you, but as someone in my 30s it is also my experience that sometimes liking somebody isn't the whole story.
Seconding that this isn't your fault.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 5:03 PM on March 6, 2019 [2 favorites]
text again! not everyone is awesome managing their phone alerts.
(if it's a chronic thing, post a DTMF-ask. but for now, text again!)
posted by zippy at 5:05 PM on March 6, 2019 [1 favorite]
(if it's a chronic thing, post a DTMF-ask. but for now, text again!)
posted by zippy at 5:05 PM on March 6, 2019 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I am holding your hand from afar in useless bisexual solidarity.
You should wait another day, assume she's a slow texter/ is socially exhausted from bartending.
Text again in a few days. If she doesn't respond after two texts, the ball is in her court and she might not throw it back. If that happens, you don't need to avoid her. Be normal - she's a cool gay woman in your town and good to keep in your social sphere.
"why interacting romantically with women almost always feels confusing and intimidating in a way that the same interactions with men never have?"
I have heard/experienced:
1. Less representation/fewer narratives: there are a million romcoms, chewing gum commercials, novels, preteen Disney shows that combine to form The Guide To Straight Dating. There are scripts!
2. WLW want to avoid doing the things that shitty dudes do in dating. Don't want to say, "You're gorgeous, I'm Jolene, let's go on a date" because what if she feels objectified? How do I make my interest known without being every creepy dude who hits on her? The hetero scripts don't fit right.
Good luck!
posted by meemzi at 7:02 PM on March 6, 2019 [2 favorites]
You should wait another day, assume she's a slow texter/ is socially exhausted from bartending.
Text again in a few days. If she doesn't respond after two texts, the ball is in her court and she might not throw it back. If that happens, you don't need to avoid her. Be normal - she's a cool gay woman in your town and good to keep in your social sphere.
"why interacting romantically with women almost always feels confusing and intimidating in a way that the same interactions with men never have?"
I have heard/experienced:
1. Less representation/fewer narratives: there are a million romcoms, chewing gum commercials, novels, preteen Disney shows that combine to form The Guide To Straight Dating. There are scripts!
2. WLW want to avoid doing the things that shitty dudes do in dating. Don't want to say, "You're gorgeous, I'm Jolene, let's go on a date" because what if she feels objectified? How do I make my interest known without being every creepy dude who hits on her? The hetero scripts don't fit right.
Good luck!
posted by meemzi at 7:02 PM on March 6, 2019 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Not trying to thread-sit, just wanted to a) say thanks to everyone who's responded thus far and b) give an update, which is that she did end up texting me back tonight (about 24 hrs later) saying she's coming down with some kind of bug... and asking if we could do something next week instead.
I'm pretty nervous that she's not in fact sick, that this is actually just her slightly-more-merciful way of conveying feelings of ambivalence/reluctance without overtly rejecting me, but I guess it's possible. Gut feeling doesn't feel particularly promising on this one, though... :/
Either way, thanks MeFi for the votes of confidence! This whole thing is coming right on the heels of a particularly-crushing misinterpretation of the feelings involved in a FWB situation with a very close friend of mine—one where literally every one of my friends that had observed us together or seen our conversations assured me that I could be positive of my conclusions—so I think I'm a little extra nervous about the prospect of going through something similar (albeit much less intense) again!
posted by second banana at 7:03 PM on March 6, 2019 [4 favorites]
I'm pretty nervous that she's not in fact sick, that this is actually just her slightly-more-merciful way of conveying feelings of ambivalence/reluctance without overtly rejecting me, but I guess it's possible. Gut feeling doesn't feel particularly promising on this one, though... :/
Either way, thanks MeFi for the votes of confidence! This whole thing is coming right on the heels of a particularly-crushing misinterpretation of the feelings involved in a FWB situation with a very close friend of mine—one where literally every one of my friends that had observed us together or seen our conversations assured me that I could be positive of my conclusions—so I think I'm a little extra nervous about the prospect of going through something similar (albeit much less intense) again!
posted by second banana at 7:03 PM on March 6, 2019 [4 favorites]
I was at the time a very inexperienced lesbian, but otherwise I have been you, and! It's scary and hard but you have to call/text/tell her in these exact words: "I think you're super cool and fun to talk to, do you want to go on a date sometime?"
Because yes, in my experience the awkward queer ladies of the world will interpret literally anything else as "but what if she just wants to sleep in the same bed as friends??!?!!?" It's not just you!
posted by nakedmolerats at 7:11 PM on March 6, 2019 [14 favorites]
Because yes, in my experience the awkward queer ladies of the world will interpret literally anything else as "but what if she just wants to sleep in the same bed as friends??!?!!?" It's not just you!
posted by nakedmolerats at 7:11 PM on March 6, 2019 [14 favorites]
If she wanted to dodge out, she wouldn't say "I'm sick; next week plz?" She'd say, "I'm sick; maybe later/some other time," with no specified or hinted time for when "later" might be. And a delay in texting fits well with that - if you really really really want to say yes, but you can't, you might hesitate because you know that any "um not now" response is likely to be taken as a "no."
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 7:45 PM on March 6, 2019 [13 favorites]
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 7:45 PM on March 6, 2019 [13 favorites]
Re: slow texter being generational - I'd say this is totally a thing. As someone born in the 80's, I'll usually text back soon if I notice the text, but I don't feel nearly the same obligation to text back promptly, and I don't have my phone notifications set to be super intrusive, and use do-not-disturb mode frequently. So I'd recommend trying to be patient with her on that front. It's very likely she doesn't have the same relationship with technology that you do.
Anyway, sounds like things are progressing. Good luck! :)
posted by Aleyn at 8:55 PM on March 6, 2019 [1 favorite]
Anyway, sounds like things are progressing. Good luck! :)
posted by Aleyn at 8:55 PM on March 6, 2019 [1 favorite]
I bet she was slow because she noticed she was coming down with something and was worried about going on a date while being all gross and also maybe contagious. So she waited a day or so in the hope it would clear up or turn out to be nothing.
I think you should reply to say next week would be great, and to mention a couple of days when you have availability, and to let you know if she wants to "go on a date" on one of those days. Then leave the ball in her court. If she doesn't want to see you, she won't get back to you with a plan.
posted by lollusc at 9:33 PM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
I think you should reply to say next week would be great, and to mention a couple of days when you have availability, and to let you know if she wants to "go on a date" on one of those days. Then leave the ball in her court. If she doesn't want to see you, she won't get back to you with a plan.
posted by lollusc at 9:33 PM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Oh for God's sake you're hurting me here. She's into you. Texting is the devil, seriously. Ignore what your brain tells you about texting patterns and BELIEVE what you've seen from REAL LIFE signals. Seriously.
I've dated women for more than twenty years and I can absolutely say there is no mystery here from the actions you've described. She's into you. Have a glass of wine, tell your brain to calm the fuck down, and carry on.
I get it. I was your age once too, and nervous about decoding signals, but this is like--a klaxon blaring go with flashing neon lights.
Have fun, y'all.
(Edited for autocorrect error, proving my point about technology vs. flesh)
posted by liminal_shadows at 9:38 PM on March 6, 2019 [16 favorites]
I've dated women for more than twenty years and I can absolutely say there is no mystery here from the actions you've described. She's into you. Have a glass of wine, tell your brain to calm the fuck down, and carry on.
I get it. I was your age once too, and nervous about decoding signals, but this is like--a klaxon blaring go with flashing neon lights.
Have fun, y'all.
(Edited for autocorrect error, proving my point about technology vs. flesh)
posted by liminal_shadows at 9:38 PM on March 6, 2019 [16 favorites]
^ Exactly.
posted by salvia at 9:46 PM on March 6, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by salvia at 9:46 PM on March 6, 2019 [4 favorites]
You’ve already had your first date, enjoy the second one soon. It should end in more than a hug.
posted by J.R. Hartley at 10:52 PM on March 6, 2019
posted by J.R. Hartley at 10:52 PM on March 6, 2019
Oh my god bless you. She's totally into you. Best of luck to you both, and next date I'd definitely be sure to drop into conversation how I wasn't sure if she fancied me or not (YMMV but hopefully a charming silly thing)
posted by lokta at 12:20 AM on March 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by lokta at 12:20 AM on March 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
Oh hell yes, she's into you and she sounds awesome. But still has a job that has unusual hours, and may be nervous about whether she's coming on too strong or making signals unclear or all of the little things people worry about.
Text her again. Let her know you're still interested in Thursday but are also up for making plans for this weekend doing whatever, you just want to see her.
Please let us know how this turns out if you can!
posted by bile and syntax at 6:51 AM on March 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
Text her again. Let her know you're still interested in Thursday but are also up for making plans for this weekend doing whatever, you just want to see her.
Please let us know how this turns out if you can!
posted by bile and syntax at 6:51 AM on March 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It's flu season. A lot of people I know have, indeed, come down with something. She is probably telling you the truth.
One thing that got a lot easier in my dating life was when I decided to just take people at face value unless they gave me a strong reason to believe they were playing games with me.
Since it seems completely logical that a person might, indeed, come down with some crud at this time of year, I see no reason to assume bad faith on her part.
Catch up with her next week when she's feeling up to it! Have fun! Enjoy this!
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 9:39 AM on March 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
One thing that got a lot easier in my dating life was when I decided to just take people at face value unless they gave me a strong reason to believe they were playing games with me.
Since it seems completely logical that a person might, indeed, come down with some crud at this time of year, I see no reason to assume bad faith on her part.
Catch up with her next week when she's feeling up to it! Have fun! Enjoy this!
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 9:39 AM on March 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm pretty nervous that she's not in fact sick, that this is actually just her slightly-more-merciful way of conveying feelings of ambivalence/reluctance without overtly rejecting me, but I guess it's possible.
I'm a lesbian in my 30s, and if I were her, it would definitely not be this. It's cold season, 80s babies are slow texters, and she sounds very into you.
posted by dizziest at 9:55 AM on March 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm a lesbian in my 30s, and if I were her, it would definitely not be this. It's cold season, 80s babies are slow texters, and she sounds very into you.
posted by dizziest at 9:55 AM on March 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
I just wanted to say that was such a great description of meeting someone and flirting with them all night! I just wanted to keep reading to the end to see what happened. Please come back and let us know at some point what happens. Crossing everything for you.
posted by blue_eyes at 2:35 PM on March 7, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by blue_eyes at 2:35 PM on March 7, 2019 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Alright y'all, your friendly neighborhood useless/disaster bisexual is back with another update :)
Can I also just say that I'm truly touched by how many people took the time to write thoughtful/sweet/reassuring comments in response to my rambling post? Feeling this much shyness and uncertainty while pursuing someone is new for me, and your replies have helped a lot.
So I texted her back first thing this morning in response to her message about being sick... first to tease her about something semi-related that we'd talked about at the bar the other night, then to reassure her that I didn't mind rescheduling/was sorry to hear that she was sick. She replied 20 minutes later in a joking protest/rebuttal to the the teasing, and said she'd text me next week when she was no longer stuffed up and potentially-infectious...
... To which I responded that I'm looking forward to her return to good health and... non-contagiousness (wink, wink). While I may be a disaster when it comes to interpreting signals, I'm perfectly happy to openly display some interest on my end... lol. Now comes the hard part where I have to show some restraint/self-control and actually wait a bit. Oh dear.
posted by second banana at 5:29 PM on March 7, 2019 [12 favorites]
Can I also just say that I'm truly touched by how many people took the time to write thoughtful/sweet/reassuring comments in response to my rambling post? Feeling this much shyness and uncertainty while pursuing someone is new for me, and your replies have helped a lot.
So I texted her back first thing this morning in response to her message about being sick... first to tease her about something semi-related that we'd talked about at the bar the other night, then to reassure her that I didn't mind rescheduling/was sorry to hear that she was sick. She replied 20 minutes later in a joking protest/rebuttal to the the teasing, and said she'd text me next week when she was no longer stuffed up and potentially-infectious...
... To which I responded that I'm looking forward to her return to good health and... non-contagiousness (wink, wink). While I may be a disaster when it comes to interpreting signals, I'm perfectly happy to openly display some interest on my end... lol. Now comes the hard part where I have to show some restraint/self-control and actually wait a bit. Oh dear.
posted by second banana at 5:29 PM on March 7, 2019 [12 favorites]
Thanks for the update, SB! Sounds like a great interaction, and your original post made me smile and sigh happily just picturing what was going on (which I vividly could, thanks to your detailed writing, bless you). Cheering you on over here! <3 Let us know what happens, please!
posted by spelunkingplato at 7:28 AM on March 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by spelunkingplato at 7:28 AM on March 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Welp, I never heard back from that last text (see prior update), which I sent over three days ago. I'm going to assume she's just naturally that flirtatious and I misread the signs, or something, because I don't see any other possible interpretation of this much radio silence. I'm scared I freaked her out or something, so I don't want to text again in case it just makes her more uncomfortable. I wish I had a happier/more promising update for the commenters who very sweetly took an interest in the outcome :(
posted by second banana at 7:57 PM on March 10, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by second banana at 7:57 PM on March 10, 2019 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by SaltySalticid at 4:46 PM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]