Resources for the white mom of a multiracial yet white-passing child?
February 22, 2019 11:05 AM Subscribe
I'm white. My husband is multiracial. Our toddler is also multiracial, but he strongly resembles me. I'm not exactly sure how to deal with this in the short term, or what I should be thinking about and reading up on for the long term.
By "deal with this in the short term", I mostly mean managing the many comments we get from people like my white (and sort of clueless) family, friends and coworkers of various races, etc.
For example, my family frequently expresses pleasure, almost relief, that he looks "like me", AKA white. This could be read as the fact that they're my family, and they enjoy seeing the family resemblance in the next generation. But having already navigated marrying a non-white person in this same family, I'm a little on edge about it. My coworkers (of various races) joke with me that our son was "switched at some point", because he came home from the hospital reading to them as black, but now at 16 months looks white. While I'm prepared to let these comments roll, they definitely set me on edge.
We have gotten some slightly racialized comments from strangers, from time to time, though none have ever been hostile. (And we get less of this than my husband gets as an ambiguously non-white person out in the world.) Thankfully we haven't dealt with a lot of issues with my non-white husband not looking enough like our son when out alone with him, though it's something that makes me a little nervous.
I'm not as sure what to expect in the long term, as he spends more time out in the world without us and around peers/teachers/etc, and also as he grows into an adult. As my son grows up, I know for a fact that, on visits to my family* and anytime he leaves our very diverse coastal city, he's going to hear racist comments that the speakers assume they're saying to a fellow white person.
I am mostly looking for resources on this, though shared experiences are welcome from people who've actually dealt with this directly.
My husband is Black and Chinese-American, if it matters. I also have some questions about my kid's Chinese heritage and my role as the white parent, especially because things like celebrating holidays, signing up for extracurriculars, etc. tend to fall to moms. My husband's Chinese-American family are not immigrants and don't speak Cantonese at home. We live several hours away and see them every few months (much more often than we see my family).
I follow racial and social justice issues in the news quite closely, and have done a decent amount of reading on race relations, segregation, the civil rights movement, black lives matter, etc. I used to follow a Facebook group for white parents who want to educate themselves on race/social justice topics, but it was... too white. Waaaaaaay too white. Being in a multiracial family, I'm definitely at a higher level with this stuff than "read your kid books about other cultures".
*Not necessarily from close relatives of mine, but I'm from the south, my family mostly still lives in the southern city where I grew up, and while everyone is politely "not racist" to our faces, I'm not stupid.
By "deal with this in the short term", I mostly mean managing the many comments we get from people like my white (and sort of clueless) family, friends and coworkers of various races, etc.
For example, my family frequently expresses pleasure, almost relief, that he looks "like me", AKA white. This could be read as the fact that they're my family, and they enjoy seeing the family resemblance in the next generation. But having already navigated marrying a non-white person in this same family, I'm a little on edge about it. My coworkers (of various races) joke with me that our son was "switched at some point", because he came home from the hospital reading to them as black, but now at 16 months looks white. While I'm prepared to let these comments roll, they definitely set me on edge.
We have gotten some slightly racialized comments from strangers, from time to time, though none have ever been hostile. (And we get less of this than my husband gets as an ambiguously non-white person out in the world.) Thankfully we haven't dealt with a lot of issues with my non-white husband not looking enough like our son when out alone with him, though it's something that makes me a little nervous.
I'm not as sure what to expect in the long term, as he spends more time out in the world without us and around peers/teachers/etc, and also as he grows into an adult. As my son grows up, I know for a fact that, on visits to my family* and anytime he leaves our very diverse coastal city, he's going to hear racist comments that the speakers assume they're saying to a fellow white person.
I am mostly looking for resources on this, though shared experiences are welcome from people who've actually dealt with this directly.
My husband is Black and Chinese-American, if it matters. I also have some questions about my kid's Chinese heritage and my role as the white parent, especially because things like celebrating holidays, signing up for extracurriculars, etc. tend to fall to moms. My husband's Chinese-American family are not immigrants and don't speak Cantonese at home. We live several hours away and see them every few months (much more often than we see my family).
I follow racial and social justice issues in the news quite closely, and have done a decent amount of reading on race relations, segregation, the civil rights movement, black lives matter, etc. I used to follow a Facebook group for white parents who want to educate themselves on race/social justice topics, but it was... too white. Waaaaaaay too white. Being in a multiracial family, I'm definitely at a higher level with this stuff than "read your kid books about other cultures".
*Not necessarily from close relatives of mine, but I'm from the south, my family mostly still lives in the southern city where I grew up, and while everyone is politely "not racist" to our faces, I'm not stupid.
Response by poster: What does your husband want to do in regards to passing along his Chinese-American heritage to his son?
He doesn't have strong feelings about it one way or the other, and so far has not done anything specific about it. Though I guess, with a 16 month old, there aren't that many specific cultural things to have done yet. I'm probably more rah-rah about the kid getting exposed to heritage stuff, possibly for personal reasons, possibly because as I said moms tend to do more of this in most mainstream American families.
Our kid does have a Chinese name, which we both constantly forget and had to write down for safekeeping. We use what everyone involved is reasonably sure is the correct grandmother name for my Chinese-American MIL. We didn't have a red egg party when he was born, though that's as much to do with random chance as anything else (we also didn't incorporate any Chinese traditions into our wedding). I'm as much responsible for those choices as Husband is, though I didn't instigate any of them.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 12:12 PM on February 22, 2019
He doesn't have strong feelings about it one way or the other, and so far has not done anything specific about it. Though I guess, with a 16 month old, there aren't that many specific cultural things to have done yet. I'm probably more rah-rah about the kid getting exposed to heritage stuff, possibly for personal reasons, possibly because as I said moms tend to do more of this in most mainstream American families.
Our kid does have a Chinese name, which we both constantly forget and had to write down for safekeeping. We use what everyone involved is reasonably sure is the correct grandmother name for my Chinese-American MIL. We didn't have a red egg party when he was born, though that's as much to do with random chance as anything else (we also didn't incorporate any Chinese traditions into our wedding). I'm as much responsible for those choices as Husband is, though I didn't instigate any of them.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 12:12 PM on February 22, 2019
This may not exactly answer your question, but have you talked with your in-laws about their experiences as a young couple and raising your husband? While it doesn't get to the white-passing aspect of your question, it might help you understand how they navigated life as a multiracial family in a generation where that was much less of a thing than it is now.
Also, if the comments from your family/coworkers are setting you on edge (they would me, too!) might it be possible to say something in the moment? Even just a Maggie Smith stare down a pair of imaginary lorgnettes and a chilled "What an odd thing to say" is a highly effective call-out for these race-based joke/not-jokes.
posted by basalganglia at 2:56 PM on February 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
Also, if the comments from your family/coworkers are setting you on edge (they would me, too!) might it be possible to say something in the moment? Even just a Maggie Smith stare down a pair of imaginary lorgnettes and a chilled "What an odd thing to say" is a highly effective call-out for these race-based joke/not-jokes.
posted by basalganglia at 2:56 PM on February 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
Tell your husband to step up his game. You're the white mom and it's just going to be easier for you in the dominant culture to pass on cultural stuff. This is his responsibility, and if he just shrugs then he is effectively shutting down his son's access.
He needs to actively add Chinese cultural activities for your kid. That doesn't have to be language if he doesn't speak any Cantonese himself, it could be simply adding some childhood things he grew up with or including childhood foods he remembers, picking out specifically a baby-playgroup that is mostly Asian and Black, or making an effort to FaceTime often with grandparents.
Race, culture and heritage are complicated. I have five super-mixed heritage kids and I'm the white mom. The more you can make family traditions and regular stuff (not just the holiday things but ordinary stuff like switch to the Asian supermarket) part of daily life for your kids from the start the easier it is for them.
Seriously talk to him about language. It is so much easier as adults for my kids who learned their mother language than the ones who had to drop the lessons due to learning difficulties. Plus language class, even the daft toddler play class where they just sing nursery rhymes, is a great place to meet similar kids and families.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:18 PM on February 22, 2019 [7 favorites]
He needs to actively add Chinese cultural activities for your kid. That doesn't have to be language if he doesn't speak any Cantonese himself, it could be simply adding some childhood things he grew up with or including childhood foods he remembers, picking out specifically a baby-playgroup that is mostly Asian and Black, or making an effort to FaceTime often with grandparents.
Race, culture and heritage are complicated. I have five super-mixed heritage kids and I'm the white mom. The more you can make family traditions and regular stuff (not just the holiday things but ordinary stuff like switch to the Asian supermarket) part of daily life for your kids from the start the easier it is for them.
Seriously talk to him about language. It is so much easier as adults for my kids who learned their mother language than the ones who had to drop the lessons due to learning difficulties. Plus language class, even the daft toddler play class where they just sing nursery rhymes, is a great place to meet similar kids and families.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:18 PM on February 22, 2019 [7 favorites]
All heritage considerations aside, Chinese is a pretty useful language for your kid to have some exposure to. When my parents
(mixed canto/mando language using) we're thinking about teaching me Chinese, they ended up choosing Mandarin just because it would be more helpful for careers/travel. Depending on where you live, you might have Saturday Chinese schools open to multiracial kids. I'm friends with a Chinese-Mexican girl whose heritage comes from her great-grandfather: she eventually decided to connect with her heritage by moving to Taipei for a while. You never know what might end up being important to your kid as they grow older.
posted by storytam at 6:38 PM on February 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
(mixed canto/mando language using) we're thinking about teaching me Chinese, they ended up choosing Mandarin just because it would be more helpful for careers/travel. Depending on where you live, you might have Saturday Chinese schools open to multiracial kids. I'm friends with a Chinese-Mexican girl whose heritage comes from her great-grandfather: she eventually decided to connect with her heritage by moving to Taipei for a while. You never know what might end up being important to your kid as they grow older.
posted by storytam at 6:38 PM on February 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
There are children's books that address the issue. (E.g. I Am Hapa; Mixed: Portraits of Multiracial Kids)
posted by oceano at 8:29 PM on February 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by oceano at 8:29 PM on February 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for the advice, everyone! I'm going to do all of these things and take all of them to heart.
We're fairly meh on the idea of "Chinese school", though I might push for it. My real hesitance is with the trend for white yuppie types to put their kids into Mandarin programs because "China is the new super power", which just... isn't our scene. But you never know.
Unfortunately, we don't have Husband's parents to use as a model of how this should be done, as his parents are not a couple and haven't been for pretty much his whole life. I do look to my mother in law as an example of how to (and sometimes how not to) parent a multiracial child, though. She's a great resource in this regard, and we get along well. I should probably talk to her about what steps she took to make sure husband grew up with some grounding in his dad's culture despite there not being much of a relationship there. Especially since, with me being definitely very white, and Husband having grown up in a mostly Chinese-American family, African-American culture is probably the element that the two of us are least equipped to just naturally impart to our kid.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 2:12 PM on February 25, 2019
We're fairly meh on the idea of "Chinese school", though I might push for it. My real hesitance is with the trend for white yuppie types to put their kids into Mandarin programs because "China is the new super power", which just... isn't our scene. But you never know.
Unfortunately, we don't have Husband's parents to use as a model of how this should be done, as his parents are not a couple and haven't been for pretty much his whole life. I do look to my mother in law as an example of how to (and sometimes how not to) parent a multiracial child, though. She's a great resource in this regard, and we get along well. I should probably talk to her about what steps she took to make sure husband grew up with some grounding in his dad's culture despite there not being much of a relationship there. Especially since, with me being definitely very white, and Husband having grown up in a mostly Chinese-American family, African-American culture is probably the element that the two of us are least equipped to just naturally impart to our kid.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 2:12 PM on February 25, 2019
(Speaking as a non-mixed Cantonese person who grew up speaking only English, but around Cantonese sometimes)
I would really recommend some kind of language lessons or something where your toddler can be around the language. Even if language lessons don't pan out in the long term, if your kid ever decides to learn it as an adult he will have a huge leg up (speaking from personal experience here - it's much easier for me to sense tones than my non-Canto classmates, even though I can barely form sentences).
Also, Chinese schools can be great for language learning, but from my experience they're often very traditional and rigid. YMMV depending on the school.
posted by zima_lengneui at 4:19 PM on March 24, 2019
I would really recommend some kind of language lessons or something where your toddler can be around the language. Even if language lessons don't pan out in the long term, if your kid ever decides to learn it as an adult he will have a huge leg up (speaking from personal experience here - it's much easier for me to sense tones than my non-Canto classmates, even though I can barely form sentences).
Also, Chinese schools can be great for language learning, but from my experience they're often very traditional and rigid. YMMV depending on the school.
posted by zima_lengneui at 4:19 PM on March 24, 2019
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