I think friend went in for a kiss but I want to know for sure

February 2, 2019 7:44 PM

I've (26F) been hanging out with a new friend (~30F) once every couple of weeks since September. We knew each other online for maybe a couple of years before we met in person. We hung out last night and as we were hugging goodbye, I think she wanted to kiss, but I'd like to know for certain, mainly because I wouldn't be opposed to that possibility.

She had to leave kind of in a hurry: we were hanging out in my car at her bus stop, and the bus came and she had to leave to go catch it, so it was an abrupt goodbye. We hugged, but at the end of the hug she kind of released her embrace halfway and held it, looking at me, just as you would if you were to kiss someone, but I let go all the way, just because I was caught off-guard. Anyway, she left and immediately texted me, "I'm sorry I had to run off! Thanks again!"

I wouldn't have been opposed to kissing -- I like this lady and I've been actually looking (with very limited success) for a FWB-type situation for a long time. Ugh! I realize I'm a hypocrite, because I'm a total chicken in these matters, but in the case that she did want to kiss, I wish she would've just asked me, because then I would've known! Anyway, I kind of want clarification either way, so I figure I have two options:

+ I text her and ask if she did want to kiss last night.
+ I wait until I see her next, probably in two or three weeks, and ask her.

In any case, I'm massively over-thinking this, and it'd be useful to get some outside input on this matter. I don't want to alienate her if she didn't want to kiss, but I also don't want to make her feel weird if she did want to kiss; I don't really want to say nothing, because I feel like that might be interpreted as rejection in the case that she did want to, and I definitely wouldn't be opposed to kissing. If she did - and still does - want to kiss, I'd for sure be upfront about what I'm looking for more broadly.

Suggestions on a script for whatever scenario you think would be best are definitely welcome. Blah, what should I do MF?

posted by lilies.lilies to Human Relations (32 answers total)

Response by poster: Sorry, I should've added this: not that this means anything on its own, but we swiped right on each other on Tinder on 12/4.
posted by lilies.lilies at 7:49 PM on February 2, 2019

You sound pretty passive about this whole kiss thing. The phrasing "would not be opposed to kissing" sounds weirdly formal and like you are putting the entire burden of the kiss-decision on her.

Do YOU want to kiss her? If so, use your words to say "Hi, I would like to take you on a date on Wednesday to go watch improv and then grab dinner after" and then while you are on the date, use your words some more to say "Can I kiss you?" If the answer is yes, then kiss her.

If you do not want to kiss her, do not text her about it, do not mention anything when you see her in person. Just move along like there was no extended hug.

But you gotta make up your own mind about whether you would like to kiss her, before you ask her whether she would like to kiss you.
posted by basalganglia at 8:04 PM on February 2, 2019 [28 favorites]

Yeah, you don't need to worry about the kiss so much. You need to worry about if she has feelings for you that are more than just friends. Ask to call your next hangout a date. If she says yes, a kiss should follow pretty easy.
posted by Amy93 at 8:12 PM on February 2, 2019 [5 favorites]

not that this means anything on its own, but we swiped right on each other on Tinder on 12/4.

...I mean, I don't swipe right on people on Tinder that I'm not interested in kissing, so that actually does seem like it means something? You guys matched on a dating site, I'd be pretty confident that she might wanna go out with you. (I am straight, so it might be different, but whenever a dude I know as a friend pops up on Tinder, and I don't want to date him, I swipe left SO FAST and pretend I never saw him.) Why don't you, uh, mention that to her?
posted by Countess Sandwich at 9:56 PM on February 2, 2019 [11 favorites]

Next time you see her, when the time is right, ask her if you can kiss her and she will probably say yes.

It's not particularly fun to kiss or otherwise canoodle with someone with the attitude of "Oh I guess if you want to I could or whatever, since we're both here and I've got nothing else going on" so... show a little initiative and it will probably be rewarded!

Unless you are really ambivalent about her in which case, keep swiping right until you find someone you really want to kiss!

Edited to add: I say this because you both swiped right on eachother on tinder.
posted by pazazygeek at 11:53 PM on February 2, 2019 [3 favorites]

Your Spidey-sense is rarely wrong in these things. She probably did, but was looking for more from you.

But — and I say this with love — to say that you ‘wouldn’t have been opposed to kissing’, or that you were looking for her to ask to kiss you, well, you’re an agent in your own happiness here. Do you want it? Then go for it. Don’t wait for it to be delivered.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:07 AM on February 3, 2019 [12 favorites]

Maybe the script you're looking for is: hey, I've enjoyed hanging out with you. I like you and would like to kiss you. I'm just looking for something casual right now, if that's something you are also interested in now.
posted by Kalmya at 12:08 AM on February 3, 2019 [5 favorites]

I might be too old, because although I am very strongly in principle pro-consent, this whole "asking" and "announcing / checking" aspect seems incredibly lame and anti-hot.

An alternative that can work and still give her an out: next meet, as you are hugging, say "kiss me".
posted by Meatbomb at 1:12 AM on February 3, 2019 [7 favorites]

I'm mostly wondering why you think you're entitled to certainty and explicitness from her, while you get to avoid looking presumptuous. That's not a fair request and its a strange line of thinking, especially because I dont get the impression that this is about consent at all, just avoiding looking dumb and taking a chance. If you see you're being cowardly, then change that. But don't expect her to do the work for you. Also, in light of your FWB comment, you should make it clear early on that that's what you're interested in. That may be what she's looking for too, but don't put the onus of clarifying that on her too.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 1:41 AM on February 3, 2019 [8 favorites]

Also, you're allowed to give the whole thing a pass and let her find someone who is more genuinely into her. You can leave the friendship intact and enjoy each others' company just like you have been.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 1:48 AM on February 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

+ I text her and ask if she did want to kiss last night.

Jeez, don’t do this. If someone texted me that, I’d slightly panic because I’d be thinking ugh, does he mean he thought I was going in for a kiss, but he isn’t keen?? And then I would feel embarrassed or awkward or offended (if I wasn’t even doing that) or...something not good. And anyway, it puts it all back on ^her^, y’know? Which is not fair.

I’m with Meatbomb (but I’m also old, so take that into account). Make a move next time you see her. Don’t try and do this over text.
posted by Salamander at 1:55 AM on February 3, 2019 [9 favorites]

Next time you feel this, LEAN IN! Brush cheeks... continue as appropriate.
posted by zengargoyle at 2:25 AM on February 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Am I dumb that thinks if you met on Tinder then you’re kinda dating, not just hanging out? I think she thinks you’re dating, is wondering why you haven’t made moves in like a month, was trying to encourage you to do so, and you missed your cue. I am coming at this from experience of queer women occasionally getting caught in both thinking the other one is setting the pace #thankssocialisation!
posted by Iteki at 4:06 AM on February 3, 2019 [7 favorites]

Have you responded to her "sorry I had to run so quickly" text? If not, the obvious response is "I'm sorry you had to run off so quickly too". Otherwise, next time you hang out, say the same thing.
posted by kevinbelt at 4:09 AM on February 3, 2019 [8 favorites]

On review I see you’ve been hanging out since before the Tinder thing. My comment still stands. You’ve expressed interest in each other and then done nothing about it? “Hey, I really like hanging out with you, but, we did also swipe on tinder, you wanna fool around or you think we would mess it up?”
posted by Iteki at 4:11 AM on February 3, 2019 [10 favorites]

Some people do a "courtesy" right-swipe on everyone they know on Tinder, and some people swipe right on everyone without even looking, so you can't use that to indicate much. You CAN use it as a way to initiate a conversation about this. "So I saw you on Tinder, and I'm really enjoying hanging out with you and would love to ."
posted by metasarah at 5:52 AM on February 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Don’t ask her if she was looking to kiss you. Similarly, don’t do the thing where someone tries to maneuver into a sexual relationship while expressing the least amount of attachment humanly possible. “I couldn’t possibly care less about any of this, but I suppose that if for some weird reason you wanted to have sex with me, I guess I could manage to enjoy it.” That’s bullshit. Nobody wants to feel like the person that you could totally take or leave, even if it is true, much less if it isn’t. If this person is a friend, don’t do that to her.

Either ask her out on a regular date like a regular person you would kiss and maybe sleep with, or keep her as a friend and don’t mention anything.

This also goes for anyone else with whom you’d like to be sexually involved. Ask them on a date. Express your thoughts and feelings clearly. Don’t wait for them to suggest everything first so you retain plausible deniability. That’s not how mature adults interact.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:16 AM on February 3, 2019 [14 favorites]

+ I text her and ask if she did want to kiss last night.

This made me physically cringe. Don't do that.

Isn't there a specific phrasing for suggesting no-strings sex hangout? Rhymes with metrics & fill? Just invite her over and see what she says.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:59 AM on February 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

Agreed that you should think about whether you want to kiss her/whether you feel that way about her. But also, while everyone’s suggestions about taking the lead make sense, if you are someone who specifically wants to be pursued or have the other person initiate (and I’m not sure from your question if that’s an intentional dynamic for you at all), I think that’s also OK. From being in queer community I get the sense there’s a (sometimes subtle) language of inviting someone to pursue you (a friend described this once as a thing that sometimes happens in kind of oldschool butch/femme situations, for one) but it’s not a thing I’m well-versed in.
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:10 AM on February 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Decide if you want to kiss her. Decide what you want out of this situation. Make a move accordingly. Don't wait for her to do it, because right now if she's into you she's very nervous and probably thinking that you're not into her, and also she needs more from you than "well that would be okay".

Aggressive women who communicate are super hot.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:42 AM on February 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

The tinder thing is an important piece of info! It means that both of you is or was willing to have a romantic/sexual relationship with the other and you both probably find each other physically attractive. Have you talked about the fact that you matched on tinder? Maybe start there.

I would think that after matching on tinder you're both considering whether to go further. You already have knowledge that your "friend" likely finds you attractive.
posted by bearette at 9:57 AM on February 3, 2019

'but at the end of the hug she kind of released her embrace halfway and held it, looking at me, just as you would if you were to kiss someone'

well, that seems to seal it? Next time you're hugging YOU could initiate the half-way embrace and if you're getting that look from her again, lean in for the kiss. Definitely don't text her about it.
posted by animatronicmermaid at 12:02 PM on February 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

In that moment, I've learned a lot from Disney on the matter:

"There you see her
Sitting there across the way
She don't got a lot to say,
But there's something about her.
And you don't know why,
But you're dying to try
You wanna,
Kiss the girl
Yes, you want her
Look at her you know you do
Possible she wants you too,
There is one way to ask her.
It don't take a word,
Not a single word, go on and
Kiss the Girl "

(this all assumes good consent...)
posted by nikaspark at 5:59 PM on February 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

This is a GIGO question - (garbage in, garbage out)
if you ask her if she was going to kiss that day (in the past), you are asking the wrong question and so you will get the wrong answer. The real question you want to know the answer it is "do you want us to be kissing? (now or soon).

Were you going to kiss me? Yes (so you assume she still does). But what if she did then but now regrets the impulse and is relieved that she didn't do anything.

Were you going to kiss me? No (so you assume she isn't interested) but what if she is interested but wasn't thinking about it in that moment. Or wasn't thinking about it then but now that she knows you're interested, it seems like a good idea? Or thought about it but felt too timid and decided to it wasn't the right time. Or thought about it but was afraid you weren't interested and so changed her mind. Or didn't even think about because she was sure you didn't want to. Note that for several of these, knowing that you are interested would make a difference in her willingness to say she's interested - another good reason not to just ask about the past.

Since it sounds like the relationship is kind of ambiguous, maybe the first step is just ask her if she would be interested in going on a date or if she wants to just keeps things on a friend level. Or does using the word "date" undermine your preference for a FWB relationship? In that case, go directly to asking her, at the time that you would actually interested in doing it, if she wants to kiss.
posted by metahawk at 6:20 PM on February 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

A text that asks, "Do you want to kiss?"
posted by bz at 6:54 PM on February 3, 2019

If you do want to kiss her/want her to kiss you, and you want to keep this about kissing rather than talking about dates, you could use the formula of describing what you observed/experienced and what you’re up for. This is playing up awkwardness, which isn’t everyone’s style, but something like: “I can be dense about this stuff, but it seemed like maybe you were about to kiss me when we were hugging goodbye yesterday. If so I’d definitely be into that next time we get together!”

This way you can get some clarity while conveying your own enthusiasm and also sort of hedging your bets if she wasn’t trying to kiss you.
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:07 PM on February 3, 2019

OMG do not text her about this! Make a move next time you're together.
posted by sunflower16 at 8:33 PM on February 3, 2019

don't text! Since you like her enough to explore and spend time with her, find out next time you actually hang out in real life.
posted by RajahKing at 6:45 AM on February 4, 2019

I'm around the same age as you, and +1 to everyone saying you shouldn't explicitly ask if she wanted to kiss. However, I do hang out with mostly straight people. (Side note, but I think today's emphasis on verbal consent unintentionally minimizes body language, which is just as important, but I digress)

Also agreed that you sound very passive here. Do you want to get physical with her? Then ask her to get a drink, then invite her to come up to your place.
posted by airmail at 11:07 AM on February 4, 2019

this whole "asking" and "announcing / checking" aspect seems incredibly lame and anti-hot.
It can be incredibly hot. But it can't be done when one of you is rushing off. Look at each other and linger in that for a bit and ask, "Can I kiss you?"

But, for you, I'm going to say that this is really unfair:
+ I text her and ask if she did want to kiss last night.
+ I wait until I see her next, probably in two or three weeks, and ask her.

You'd really be putting her on the spot. You're asking her to show her cards without showing yours. You're asking her to be vulnerable without you doing the same. That would be a big turn-off to me, to ask me to express interest when you might be ready to say something like, "Because I don't want to kiss you!"

If you must do this by text, then I'd encourage you to be much more direct about it: "I thought we might kiss last night, and I would have liked that."

Or, initiate an actual date and conversation with her, via text if you must: "I'm enjoying the time we are spending together. Can we go on a date?" Or even, "Let's go on a real date."

So what if she says no? Then at least you know.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:35 PM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]

Next time you two meet, just kiss her. Forget about your legs shivering, just go for it.
If she wanted to kiss you last time, she'll answer in a manner you will like a lot.
If she will not answer to your kiss, you can just say "sorry, don't know why I did it, maybe because I madly wanted to kiss you.". As easy as that.
Good luck, and enjoy the kiss :)
posted by passionate at 12:58 AM on February 8, 2019

Have you talked to her or kissed her yet? How did it go? 30+ inquiring MeFites are (I suspect) rooting for you and want to know!
posted by needs more cowbell at 6:34 AM on February 9, 2019 [1 favorite]