Why Do I Do This To Myself?
May 20, 2014 11:54 PM Subscribe
Need attention from guys to feel sane. Feel miserable when in a long term relationship, but when single, want to feel liked by someone just so I can reject them. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME and where do I turn for help? Lots more details inside. I promise I will try to nutshell.
posted by camylanded to Human Relations (18 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
My now ex-boyfriend and I had been skirting along the death of our relationship for about a year. To make a really long story short, I had jumped into the relationship because I felt ready to settle down with someone and it came at a time when I least expected it... had been taking really good care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually... and I thought this would be the cherry on the perfect sundae. While our relationship lasted 3 years, there were a lot of issues that were just fundamentally wrong. At any rate, we grew apart (I became an adult, got an adult job, dragged him along to a new city where my new job was located -- while he's stuck in party central could care less about jobs since his girlfriend pays for everything-land) and have been splitting up and getting back together in the past 6 months a lot. I finally grew the balls I needed to end it for good about a month ago.
I don't feel bad about the end of our relationship. I feel I've learned a lot, but it's time to grow as an individual and move on. It took some time, but he's finally accepted that I have no plans of getting back together and we're trying to be friends. He moved out of state which makes that a little easier. While contemplating the break up, I'd told myself that it would be good for me to be single. I really missed it. I also knew that if I didn't get my singledom fun while still in my 20's, life just might not be the same. So here I am, 28, 4 class away from my completion of a bachelor's degree, decent paying job where I'm making more money than anyone else I know who is my age, I have a nice car, my own apartment and I'm getting back into shape.
But in the past couple of weeks, I've really plagued myself with finding a fuck buddy. I don't want just any fuck buddy, I want all the perks of a relationship without the messy stuff I dealt with with my ex. I had a really nice time with someone I'd met last week but his contact with me has been sporadic. It's the weirdest thing. I know I'm likable. I know he liked me. But at the same time, if he's not contacting me back exactly when I want him to, I get pissed and try to write him off. I did this over text message last week and when he finally got back to me he said that I must just be angry in general and said he didn't mind and I shouldn't be embarrassed since it seemed like it was something to get out of my system and that he still wanted to see me. I can't stop checking my messages to see if he's responded but I'm trying with all my might. It's like a nervous tic.
I have plenty of other attention from other men that want to take me out on real dates. I don't understand why I'm obsessed with this one guy. What am I so obsessed about? I don't think it's him. It might be the sex and everything that goes with the sex, but otherwise, what gives? Is it the chase? The game? The fact that I have to basically fight for his attention? I'm struggling here. My friends say I must 'have it bad'... that I should just give up on him/whatever that fling we had was.... but the thing is, I don't. Or do I have it bad? Am I in denial? Am I lonely?
Why can't I just BE ALONE? Why do I crave this attention?
I feel like I need a therapist to help me get to the bottom of this, but I'm cash poor at the moment. Any experiences, books, or what to look for in this kind of therapist would be super helpful at this point. Thanks!