The curious Good Samaritan

December 23, 2018 3:58 PM

How far should you go in finding out what happened to the stranger you stopped to help?

Someone I know (X) helped a stranger (Y) who, it seems, was having a heart attack. X was biking in an area where there was no one else around and came upon Y was calling out "Help me" and showing various symptoms of distress. X called 911 and stayed with Y for 30 minutes until the rescue service arrived and took Y away.

What can X do now? Would it be wrong to try to find out what happened to Y? Did Y survive? Would it be prying or an imposition to try to find out? Is it not just acceptable but a positive good for X to check up on Y?

If X can or should find out what happened to Y, what steps should he take? What would be the best way to get the information he wants? How far should X go?

X isn't trying to get credit or any sort of reward. He's curious, and one could say that it doesn't matter one way or the other what happened to Y as far as X is legitimately concerned. X did the right thing at the time and the time has passed. But wouldn't you want to know what happened to a person with whom you had such a dramatic and intimate encounter?

posted by Alizaria to Human Relations (14 answers total)

I would want to know, but I would feel it was an invasion of privacy to try to find out more. Y should be the one to decide how much of their health information and life they want to share.
posted by lazuli at 4:03 PM on December 23, 2018 [4 favorites]

And a good indication that looking for more info would be an invasion of privacy is that X's motivation is "curiosity." That's not about helping Y; that's about using a vulnerable stranger to meet X's needs without consent.
posted by lazuli at 4:05 PM on December 23, 2018 [8 favorites]

X should let it go. Odds are good that Y will be all right.
posted by Miko at 4:21 PM on December 23, 2018

If X is just curious then best if they let it go. But I can understand. I witnessed a road accident once, another pedestrian crossing the road I was about to cross, and I was a mess afterwards. I ended up calling the local police station very late that night saying I knew it was none of my business, could they tell me if the person was ok. The officer could tell I was young and distressed and was very kind, said he had no details but he could assure me the person had survived. He may well have been making it all up but he recognized that entirely separate to the accident victim he had someone on the phone who needed help.

I don't think I'd make a call like that again because now I'm older I can see I was making it about me - there was no reason for me to be told anything the person. But I was stressed, anxious and fixated on the shocking suddenness of it all and didn't have anyone I could reach out to. Calling for info seemed like a practical thing I could do and the officer was kind enough to hear that in my voice. Next time I think I'd call a support line instead.

If X is just curious, let them acknowledge that we don't get to know everything and to let it go. If they are having a bad reaction to the shock then encourage them to get some support.
posted by kitten magic at 4:30 PM on December 23, 2018 [15 favorites]

I don't think it is wrong to be curious or to do a little searching of public information to find out but I would not go beyond anything you can readily find publicly -- which isn't likely to be much in a purely health situation like a heart attack. In a larger emergency there might be media reports or items on the police blotter but there isn't likely anything on a heart attack.
posted by jacquilynne at 4:34 PM on December 23, 2018 [1 favorite]

In a similar situation I called the local hospital or fire station (I don’t remember which!) and identified myself and asked for an update. Ymmv
posted by jbenben at 7:03 PM on December 23, 2018 [3 favorites]

I think x could also have experienced trauma over this event. “Curious” might be them trying to process but not make a big deal about it. Calling a few close hospitals and maybe giving them x’s information to be passed on to y may be a good idea. That way, it opens the door for y as well, in case they also want to know. Maybe that’s an acceptable medium.
posted by MountainDaisy at 7:13 PM on December 23, 2018 [10 favorites]

The privacy point makes sense. But if Y didn't survive, their next-of-kin may want to know how they spent some of their last moments. X could try to make themself reachable without insisting on any updates.
posted by cat potato at 7:17 PM on December 23, 2018 [3 favorites]

It would not be at all unreasonable (and in my small town / positive community experience, it'd be the norm) to contact the hospital or one of the emergency services that responded, explain that you helped someone, you'd like to know how they're doing / if they survived, and leave your name and number. As in, don't ask for theirs - offer your own.

Now, having lived the last year in an actual metro area where people just do not give a rat's rear about anyone else, and there's no sign of that kind of vibrant community mentality whatsoever, I can certainly see why people are saying oh, no, that's invasive. Heck, in this area, I'd be surprised anyone would have bothered to help the person, even if 100 people passed by. So 1000% kudos that you did.

Another thought - in a small town, a letter to the editor or asking on a community forum would have good odds. Not so much in a city, though you *might* have luck on a Facebook group for that area.
posted by stormyteal at 12:36 AM on December 24, 2018 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: I may have skewed the responses by using the word "curiosity" to summarize X's motivation. That may suggest what I think the right answer is. X did give his name to the emergency people who took Y to the hospital, so I think Y or Y's family have access to what they would need if they wanted to contact X.

Another way to put X's interest in contacting Y would be to give him the message that he's thinking about him — a genuine get-well wish.

But I guess I have to step on that idea too, because I think X already showed complete concern for Y and completed his task. If X were to contact Y, even just to say I hope you're doing well, it would burden Y and Y might put effort into thinking about whether he should reward X or how he could thank him enough, even though that's not what X wants.

I like the idea of doing a good deed and disappearing, unknown.
posted by Alizaria at 4:42 AM on December 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

I think part of it, too, is that health-privacy laws in the US would mean that anyone on the medical side of things should absolutely not provide information to X unless Y gives permission, so it's likely that most information that Y obtained through "digging" would be mostly likely obtained illegally, to some extent. I guess if X tracked down Y's family members that would be a non-illegal route to information.

I'm a therapist and I work in a county mental-health system, and I ABSOLUTELY care about my clients and when they move or transfer to another team, I still care about them, but it's no longer legal for me to check their records or keep tabs on them, because I'm not part of their treatment team anymore. I see this situation in that same light. It's not about not caring or being cold; it's about X sacrificing their own needs and managing their own emotions as a way of respecting the other person's autonomy.
posted by lazuli at 5:54 AM on December 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

After your update, I think it's great that Y can contact X in the future if they choose. It might take them a long time to be ready to do that (if ever). I think you're very kind considering that X contacting Y could be a burden to Y. I think X thinking good thoughts of Y's recovery and Y's family are no doubt thinking good thoughts about X (as am I) is good enough for the universe for now.
posted by kitten magic at 5:55 AM on December 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

I think it's totally normal for X to want to know more about Y. And I know that if I had had an accident hiking or cycling in remote areas by myself, which I do, I would be really grateful to anyone who came along to help me out and would want to connect with them afterwards. I'm frankly baffled by the responses that suggest it would be inappropriate to try to find out more. If you've possibly saved someone's life, I think you have a genuine interest in knowing what happened to them.
posted by brianogilvie at 6:34 PM on December 26, 2018

I think it would be very reasonable and possibly welcome for X to reach out to find out what happened to Y.

A few years ago I crashed while biking with a friend. He called an ambulance, called my husband to tell him to meet me at the hospital, took off his shirt and tied it around my head because of bleeding, and took all of my belongings home to be retrieved later. I had a concussion and I remember nothing from the day, but my husband tells me I was telling jokes to the ER docs, so I think I acted like my usual self. It didn't occur to me to update my friend at all; it happened that his wife was on maternity leave and came to my apartment to bring me my belongings once I was discharged, which is how they got an update on my condition.

All that to say - in serious circumstances, a person is very likely to not think about others who might be wondering what happened. Perhaps Y/Y's loved ones don't even realize X's role in getting Y the help they needed. I think it is reasonable to reach out again to offer best wishes and ask them to respond if they are comfortable doing so.
posted by Emmy Rae at 8:51 AM on December 27, 2018