Helping a child that isn't mine
February 9, 2010 12:07 AM   Subscribe

If you had $200 to help a child, what's the best way to spend that money?

I'm in an odd situation where I'm living with a single-mother and her 10-yr old daughter, for another couple weeks. They are not charity cases, nor are they well off.

I've been given the said amount by a friend from a church back home, to spend on the girl. It is a slippery situation b/c I don't want to offend the mother and I don't need to pretend to be a father, but I do want use the money in the best way possible... on the girl, as it was intended (as opposed to simply giving it to the mother).

The girl is intensely smart and a few years ahead of her peers socially and maturely. My only idea so far is vague, but I think the money would have the most impact if I could use it in a way that would enable her to help somebody else in need - potentially teach her the benefit of giving of yourself / paying it forward. I simply don't have any specific ideas on how to do this. I am in the mountains, not far from the Denver area, if that helps.

But I'm open to all ideas, not just ideas along that line of thinking. I also welcome discussion about the risks of doing something like this with a girl that isn't my child and I've only known for a few weeks. I don't want to cross any lines or stir up any drama with the mother.
posted by GrubbyUtter to Human Relations (18 answers total)
 
Have you asked the mom this question exactly as your phrase it? If it was my child, and you explained it that way, that would prevent any lines from being crossed or drama and allow me to give some good suggestions for what gift might work for my child. After all, hopefully the mother knows her child best.
posted by dealing away at 12:23 AM on February 9, 2010


Maybe you should consider sponsoring some extracurricular activities. If she's intensely smart then perhaps a day at the museum would be fun? Or a chess class? Or taking her to a Shakespearean play? Or any number of things that she may not normally have the resources to experience.

As someone whose family went through some lean times the only thing I regret are the experiences that I could have participated in if only my parents had a few extra dollars. Young minds need to engage the world in different ways to help define who they want to become. Now go have fun.
posted by quadog at 12:29 AM on February 9, 2010


I'd give her and her mom a family membership to a nearby museum or art gallery for one year. That way they can go whenever they like, and participate in seasonal programs for free or at a discount.

If the local museum/gallery is a member of the North American Reciprocal Museums (NARM) Program, even better, because that means they can use that local membership at other NARM affiliates all over the US and Canada. Looks like there are two of them in Denver, and several in other cities in Colorado.

That's what I would do with $200 for a kid of that description. Good for her education and personal growth, potentially good for her relationship with her mom.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:36 AM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]


Shopping spree at a bookstore, buy some books for her and some books for other children, to give to a local homeless shelter or domestic violence shelter or something.


She shouldn't have to give it all away -- we don't even do that as adults. At least we don't here. But I think both enjoying it and sharing it is nice.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:48 AM on February 9, 2010


Given that the gift has been given for the benefit of the girl, I don't think it's appropriate to spend the money on anyone else.

Why not ask the girl what she would like most? Emphasise that it's a gift for her to spend on herself in a way that would benefit her over the long term.

I'd add in passing that a museum or gallery subscription is only of any use if the family can afford to visit regularly (both in cash & time terms). It's a lovely idea otherwise though.
posted by pharm at 2:51 AM on February 9, 2010


You have to be careful here because the situation is weird. If I were the mom and you told me the above story - I'd think you'd been telling strangers that my daughter was somehow deprived to the extent that they'd be moved to give $200 in charity. And that might be offensive. On the other hand - if I were the mom and an unrelated man (you) was giving my ten year old daughter hundreds of dollars worth of gifts - I'd be terrifically creeped out and worried about your intentions!! So I think that a gift like hurdy gurdy girl's suggestion of a family membership or class or trip of some kind would be best - something you can give the mother for the benefit of the kid.
posted by moxiedoll at 4:16 AM on February 9, 2010 [2 favorites]


iPod touch!
posted by By The Grace of God at 4:28 AM on February 9, 2010


Books.
posted by useyourmachinegunarm at 6:16 AM on February 9, 2010


any summer camps or anything she would like to attend? Money towards that would be great.

Nothing wrong with helping her open a savings account either.
posted by domino at 6:17 AM on February 9, 2010


Go through the mother. Tell her a friend from your church was inspired by their generosity in opening their home to you and decided to send along some money for a gift for the girl. Ask her what she thinks her daughter would like to receive with the money. If you're afraid she'll ask for the money herself and then not get anything for the girl, you can say you'd like to buy it yourself, as it feels more like your gift that way.

Another possibility is the family membership to a museum/zoo/etc. suggested above -- something that's really for the girl, but that involves the mother in the gift.

Anything you do on your own -- especially something like expensive electronics, which some parents don't want their kids to have, for all kinds of reasons -- is boundary-crossing and would create the drama you're hoping to avoid.
posted by palliser at 6:43 AM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]


The money is for the girl, spend it on her. And yes you have to ask mom, the correct gift depends on the child. You could be looking at anything, including a used musical instrument, sporting equipment, a school field trip, nice clothing, or even a trip to the dentist.
posted by crazycanuck at 7:30 AM on February 9, 2010


Does this girl have her own savings account?

If not, have her put $150 into savings. Teaching a child the importance of savings and compound interest will benefit her for the rest of her life. Then take the remaining $50 and spend it on something she can enjoy for the year - a zoo membership would be my first choice for a 10 year old girl. (If the zoo is local and she can go there often.) Maybe she'll decide she wants to volunteer a there which would be a double whammy benefit.
posted by 26.2 at 9:00 AM on February 9, 2010


Absolutely do not do anything without talking to the mom first. I agree with moxiedoll--if some guy suddenly showed up with cash or gifts for my kid, and then told me it was from "a church charity", I'd think he was either a pedo trying to groom us or had somehow gotten the idea that we desperately needed help. Tread very lightly here.
posted by balls at 10:12 AM on February 9, 2010


Savings Bonds?
posted by ob1quixote at 10:26 AM on February 9, 2010


Scholarship, summer camp, books, or extracurricular activities seem like the best suggestions to me so far. Spend the money on the girl, not some pay-it-forward thing. Ask the mom for suggestions (don't just give her the money) and then spend it yourself.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 11:44 AM on February 9, 2010


Response by poster: Thanks for advice everybody. Several great ideas, philosophies, and points have been brought up.

Here's a quick funny story. We're watching a game show right now and I asked her what she would do if she won $650 like the people in the Cash Cab just did. She said she'd give it to the Humane Society!! So I said, "Okay let's say you give $400 dof it to charity. What do you do with the rest?" She said she's save it until she found some cute shoes she really wanted. Haha... you girls all think the same, even from a young age!

Anyway, her mom is fairly confrontational and most likely will be offended at any idea. So if I have to spend it with her knowing, I'd probably wait until just before we all leave town. Ideally, I'll come up with something they'll discover once they get home.

The museum/zoo idea is fantastic but there isn't much in that kind of entertainment where they live in Florida. I like that it would give them things to do together though.

She (the girl) has expressed how much she'd love to design bags, shoes, etc. So I've looked into fashion camps in the southwest. Any of y'all have any experience with programs like that. They cost more than $200, I know that.

Okay I'll stop rambling, I hope some of you are still with me.
posted by GrubbyUtter at 4:37 PM on February 9, 2010


My younger sister received a gift membership to the WMCA many years ago when she was about 10-12. It came in the mail and just stated that she was given it as a gift from a charitable organization in the city. I don't think there was much else in the letter. My parents checked and it was legit, so she used it to take Judo or a similar class as well as other activities. But she enjoyed it as my parents could never have afforded this on their own.
posted by Taurid at 11:23 PM on February 9, 2010


A used laptop? It could be educational or recreational. Provided she knows how to take care of a laptop (sites she should avoid visiting and stuff like that)

Or if you can get a refurbished netbook or new one with really good discount under 200 that is good too. But overall I think a laptop would be very beneficial in the long run.
posted by jstarlee at 1:09 PM on February 11, 2010


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