learning to wake up during the night to care for infants?
November 21, 2018 8:32 PM Subscribe
I'm hoping to have a child soon, and expect to need to wake up during the night to care for it. Unfortunately, I can sleep through just about any noise. I have slept through parties, my alarm clock for an hour until it gave up and turned itself off, a fire alarm, and a trumpeter playing reveille at the foot of my bed. If you are similarly dead to the world, how were you able to learn to notice an infant crying?
In case you're wondering how I get anything done: I wake up on my own in the morning when I've had enough sleep, or at my usual waking up time if I've been maintaining a consistent sleep schedule, and I can wake up before then if someone scrubs my face with a cold wet towel for a few minutes. None of these seem particularly helpful for infant care.
I do have a wife who sleeps less soundly, so the infant wouldn't be in any danger. Only possibly my marriage.
In case you're wondering how I get anything done: I wake up on my own in the morning when I've had enough sleep, or at my usual waking up time if I've been maintaining a consistent sleep schedule, and I can wake up before then if someone scrubs my face with a cold wet towel for a few minutes. None of these seem particularly helpful for infant care.
I do have a wife who sleeps less soundly, so the infant wouldn't be in any danger. Only possibly my marriage.
I mean, there's a couple ways this could go. Most likely, there will be a period of time where your hormones kick in and you will sleep less soundly. This doesn't happen for all partners but there is a hormone shift that has been studied in all people who are tasked with round-the-clock infant care as a primary caregiver. So, you may not sleep as soundly as you are used to with a baby in the house.
At some point in that first year, my partner and I started being "on" for shifts. Basically, if he was awakened anytime before midnight/1am, he was totally groggy, grumpy and just felt terrible the next day. However, he could do an early morning wake-up and feel just fine about it. Luckily, I was the opposite. I started going to bed early and getting some alone time before bed every night and my partner did the go-to-sleep routine. (We used bottles and boob at the beginning and then bottles.) This allowed me to turn "off" and get a couple hours sleep before the first wake. After 1 am, it was his "shift" and if I awoke, I'd nudge him and he'd do the work. Or, I'd just sleep through. It was like some kind of magic spell and it was helpful for us to be very explicit.
Patterns change weekly (if not more) during that first year and so you and your partner will need to strategize and have semi-frequent summits on how you are each coping. For me, knowing that he was able to do early mornings meant that even if I had to wake him, I could easily go back to sleep and he would be fine. At some point, when baby was sleeping more soundly and we had a better pattern, we started sharing the bedtime routine. My poor partner was a bit haggard over it by then.
So, if you for some reason find that you cannot wake up in the night, you'll need to find some other way to help and do so consistently and with purpose. You'll (most likely) figure it out. Babies are very insistent.
posted by amanda at 8:43 PM on November 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
At some point in that first year, my partner and I started being "on" for shifts. Basically, if he was awakened anytime before midnight/1am, he was totally groggy, grumpy and just felt terrible the next day. However, he could do an early morning wake-up and feel just fine about it. Luckily, I was the opposite. I started going to bed early and getting some alone time before bed every night and my partner did the go-to-sleep routine. (We used bottles and boob at the beginning and then bottles.) This allowed me to turn "off" and get a couple hours sleep before the first wake. After 1 am, it was his "shift" and if I awoke, I'd nudge him and he'd do the work. Or, I'd just sleep through. It was like some kind of magic spell and it was helpful for us to be very explicit.
Patterns change weekly (if not more) during that first year and so you and your partner will need to strategize and have semi-frequent summits on how you are each coping. For me, knowing that he was able to do early mornings meant that even if I had to wake him, I could easily go back to sleep and he would be fine. At some point, when baby was sleeping more soundly and we had a better pattern, we started sharing the bedtime routine. My poor partner was a bit haggard over it by then.
So, if you for some reason find that you cannot wake up in the night, you'll need to find some other way to help and do so consistently and with purpose. You'll (most likely) figure it out. Babies are very insistent.
posted by amanda at 8:43 PM on November 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
Don't worry about this yet. That cry is designed by nature to wake you up. People who used to be able to sleep through anything routinely find they wake up when their newly arrived offspring so much as snuffles. You will very likely be a-ok.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:44 PM on November 21, 2018 [37 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:44 PM on November 21, 2018 [37 favorites]
Lolol...Yes! You WILL wake up. It is (I shit you not) literally a Geneva Convention violation to use the sound of babies crying against prisoners. It is considered a 'cruel and inhuman punishment' and 'torture'. You will be fine. Also, congratulations!
posted by sexyrobot at 8:53 PM on November 21, 2018 [24 favorites]
posted by sexyrobot at 8:53 PM on November 21, 2018 [24 favorites]
As an experiment, try setting the sound of a baby crying loudly as an alarm and see if it wakes you up better than other alarm noises. Human brains have evolved to react to this sound in unique ways even when it's not your baby, let alone when it is.
posted by waffleriot at 9:03 PM on November 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by waffleriot at 9:03 PM on November 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Honestly my husband almost never woke up when our babies cried (we had three); he sleeps like the dead and a shrieking baby didn't change that. (He's slept through not one but two earthquakes.) I'm a very light sleeper. Basically I just got up with the baby every time in the night (I was breastfeeding anyway), and then the next wakeup after 4 a.m. I would kick him awake and tell him he was on duty, the baby would get a "rescue bottle" (either formula or pumped breastmilk, so mom can sleep through a feeding), and I would sleep until he had to leave for work. (And then nap later when the baby napped.)
I mean it wasn't ideal/thrilling, but I wasn't mad about it; I'd known for ten years that my husband was the world's heaviest sleeper and that nothing could rouse him -- honestly he's slept through smoke alarms (and that worries me!), so I wasn't really expecting he would wake up with a night-waking baby. It just was the way things were and getting mad or frustrated didn't change anything, so I didn't. I identified other ways he could pick up slack for me, and he did, and I just got up with the night-wakers. And I mean I had two more babies after getting up for all the night wakings with #1, so it obviously wasn't marriage-killing or so intolerable I never wanted to do it again. I mean I was SO FUCKIN' TIRED for the first six months every time, and #2 woke every three hours and howled like a tornado siren until he was ELEVEN MONTHS OLD, the little jerk. But I managed.
I am still the night parent, I get all nightmares and middle-of-the-night barfing incidents and so on because he just doesn't hear any of it.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:06 PM on November 21, 2018 [23 favorites]
I mean it wasn't ideal/thrilling, but I wasn't mad about it; I'd known for ten years that my husband was the world's heaviest sleeper and that nothing could rouse him -- honestly he's slept through smoke alarms (and that worries me!), so I wasn't really expecting he would wake up with a night-waking baby. It just was the way things were and getting mad or frustrated didn't change anything, so I didn't. I identified other ways he could pick up slack for me, and he did, and I just got up with the night-wakers. And I mean I had two more babies after getting up for all the night wakings with #1, so it obviously wasn't marriage-killing or so intolerable I never wanted to do it again. I mean I was SO FUCKIN' TIRED for the first six months every time, and #2 woke every three hours and howled like a tornado siren until he was ELEVEN MONTHS OLD, the little jerk. But I managed.
I am still the night parent, I get all nightmares and middle-of-the-night barfing incidents and so on because he just doesn't hear any of it.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:06 PM on November 21, 2018 [23 favorites]
We just had a baby in June. At first, my husband didn't wake up as much as I did, and it REALLY pissed me off. I would always notice the baby stirring, building up to a cry and wake up to feed/change him and then look over and hubby was snoring away happily. Sometimes he'd "wake" just to kind of look at me weird and then go back to sleep LOL. Anyway, all that is to say that something changed a few weeks in for him. I'm not sure if it's hormones, or if he learned the night routine or what but he now wakes up pretty readily to take care of the baby at night (our baby is 5 mo and still wakes up every 1-3 hours at night).
So, you could play it by ear and see how your body responds. As someone above said, the baby cry is basically designed to get you up. My husband will hear the crying now (he still doesn't really hear baby stirring - that is either a me thing, or a birthing mom thing). If you don't seem to be responding at night the way you want to be, you could do the timer thing. Newborns eat about every 2 hours, so you'll start to get a feel for that.
Congrats! Welcome to this rollercoaster ride.
posted by FireFountain at 9:31 PM on November 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
So, you could play it by ear and see how your body responds. As someone above said, the baby cry is basically designed to get you up. My husband will hear the crying now (he still doesn't really hear baby stirring - that is either a me thing, or a birthing mom thing). If you don't seem to be responding at night the way you want to be, you could do the timer thing. Newborns eat about every 2 hours, so you'll start to get a feel for that.
Congrats! Welcome to this rollercoaster ride.
posted by FireFountain at 9:31 PM on November 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
I once woke up, very suddenly from a deep sleep. I woke up to find myself on my feet, on the far side of the room I had been sleeping in. I did not wake up and get up. I did not register standing up and crossing the room to where my daughter was sleeping. Consciousness only hit me when I was standing there stark naked in the dark. As far as I could tell I had telaported into that position.
My daughter was puking on her own lap. She was puking on her lap because I was holding her in a sitting position. The evidence indicates that she had been sleeping on her back and started puking and inhaled some of it. The sound of her choking got me out of bed, across the room and in a position where she wouldn't drown in the vomit. It was only after I was already keeping her alive that I actually woke up.
I have a friend who once was asleep when the house across the street from her caught on fire. Her husband and the older kid were at the bedroom window exclaiming over the fire trucks, police cars, ambulance and other excitement when the baby in the crib beside her woke up for her usual approximately two AM feeding. My friend got up, nursed the baby, changed her and tucked her back into the crib again and went back to sleep. The next morning when she got up the house across the street was collapsed and there were heavy tire tracks across everyone's lawn. My friend was astounded. "What happened? When did that happen??"
The sounds made by a baby with which you are bonded are different. If you can fully bond with your baby I think you will find that you can no more sleep through his or her crying than you can piss the bed without waking up.
Having said that, as a counter example my spouse was unable to bring himself to get up when our children woke in the middle of the night and cried. He would wake up but be too tired to move. He had extremely severe sleep apnea. If you find that you do not wake up or cannot get up when your child cries in the night, get a sleep study done.
I suspect you will bond nicely with your baby and be sensitive to sounds she or he makes in the night enough to wake up for her. I base this suspicion on the fact that you are already starting to feel anxiety about sleeping through your baby's night time wakings. It's that anxiety, that sense that it would be a very bad thing to sleep through the baby crying, that makes you wake up. You are already developing that hyper vigilance and your baby isn't even born yet.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:36 PM on November 21, 2018 [17 favorites]
My daughter was puking on her own lap. She was puking on her lap because I was holding her in a sitting position. The evidence indicates that she had been sleeping on her back and started puking and inhaled some of it. The sound of her choking got me out of bed, across the room and in a position where she wouldn't drown in the vomit. It was only after I was already keeping her alive that I actually woke up.
I have a friend who once was asleep when the house across the street from her caught on fire. Her husband and the older kid were at the bedroom window exclaiming over the fire trucks, police cars, ambulance and other excitement when the baby in the crib beside her woke up for her usual approximately two AM feeding. My friend got up, nursed the baby, changed her and tucked her back into the crib again and went back to sleep. The next morning when she got up the house across the street was collapsed and there were heavy tire tracks across everyone's lawn. My friend was astounded. "What happened? When did that happen??"
The sounds made by a baby with which you are bonded are different. If you can fully bond with your baby I think you will find that you can no more sleep through his or her crying than you can piss the bed without waking up.
Having said that, as a counter example my spouse was unable to bring himself to get up when our children woke in the middle of the night and cried. He would wake up but be too tired to move. He had extremely severe sleep apnea. If you find that you do not wake up or cannot get up when your child cries in the night, get a sleep study done.
I suspect you will bond nicely with your baby and be sensitive to sounds she or he makes in the night enough to wake up for her. I base this suspicion on the fact that you are already starting to feel anxiety about sleeping through your baby's night time wakings. It's that anxiety, that sense that it would be a very bad thing to sleep through the baby crying, that makes you wake up. You are already developing that hyper vigilance and your baby isn't even born yet.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:36 PM on November 21, 2018 [17 favorites]
I am also a dead to the world sleeper.
A couple of things that worked for me were:
If your baby is in a separate room, keep the doors open between them.
I found it easy to sleep through baby cries on a monitor, but less so when I could hear the actual sound.
Establish a pattern for who gets up and when.
For instance, my wife is also a light sleeper and goes back to sleep easily, so the midnight duties fell to her while I often never noticed.
However, the late evening to bedtime duties fell on to me, since she goes to bed pretty early.
This helped ensure that both parents got a sufficient amount of uninterrupted sleep.
We also had an actual bed in the babies room (converted guest room) so when my wife was away, I'd simply sleep in there.
Additionally, you'd be surprised at how "non awake" you can be and still soothe a baby. Many times I wandered through the house with a fussy baby in sort of a dream state.
Changing diapers becomes something so habitual, you can literally do it half asleep.
Finally, as fellow deep sleeper who once slept on mattress on the floor of a living room while people literally moved house around him, I'd like to echo the comments above.
You'll probably be surprised at how hard it is to sleep through a crying baby. I'm not saying you'll jump up fully alert at the first fuss, but it is a sound that worms its way into your brain like almost nothing else, especially if you are in the same room.
posted by madajb at 10:00 PM on November 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
A couple of things that worked for me were:
If your baby is in a separate room, keep the doors open between them.
I found it easy to sleep through baby cries on a monitor, but less so when I could hear the actual sound.
Establish a pattern for who gets up and when.
For instance, my wife is also a light sleeper and goes back to sleep easily, so the midnight duties fell to her while I often never noticed.
However, the late evening to bedtime duties fell on to me, since she goes to bed pretty early.
This helped ensure that both parents got a sufficient amount of uninterrupted sleep.
We also had an actual bed in the babies room (converted guest room) so when my wife was away, I'd simply sleep in there.
Additionally, you'd be surprised at how "non awake" you can be and still soothe a baby. Many times I wandered through the house with a fussy baby in sort of a dream state.
Changing diapers becomes something so habitual, you can literally do it half asleep.
Finally, as fellow deep sleeper who once slept on mattress on the floor of a living room while people literally moved house around him, I'd like to echo the comments above.
You'll probably be surprised at how hard it is to sleep through a crying baby. I'm not saying you'll jump up fully alert at the first fuss, but it is a sound that worms its way into your brain like almost nothing else, especially if you are in the same room.
posted by madajb at 10:00 PM on November 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
My ex-husband who has sleep apneoa slept through both our babies screaming (1 month old and nearly 2 yo) their lungs out so loud that a neighbour 3 doors away was standing worriedly outside my house when I returned from a quick dash out to get milk one morning. I'm pretty sure he didn't believe me when I said their father was with them. I also used to have to wake the ex up 7 or 8 times every morning so he would go to work. I remember reading at the time that men were evolutionarily designed to hear low toned danger sounds, like lions growling, while not be woken by children (or maybe that was the ex's excuse). I think you need to sort out your sleep deprivation issues first, and then if you still don't wake up, make it up to your wife by taking on a greater share of some unpleasant tasks.
posted by b33j at 10:01 PM on November 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by b33j at 10:01 PM on November 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Can you sleep through things that are "your problem"? I can sleep through the loudest parties. I can sleep through my cats meowing to be let in when my husband is in town, because he's the cat caregiver, but when he's out of town I start learning to wake up for that. He could mostly sleep through the baby, I suspect because he knew I'd get up. Despite my ability to sleep through things, I would wake up at my newborn starting to rustle and roll around in the way that preceded crying. Perhaps if you tell yourself that you need to wake up for the crying you will?
posted by slidell at 10:40 PM on November 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by slidell at 10:40 PM on November 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
If I were you, I'd try a wearable baby monitor for the hearing impaired that comes with a vibrating function, something like this perhaps. It's not guaranteed to work either if you're a really sound sleeper, but I have a hunch that some people who can sleep through incredible noise may nevertheless respond to a different type of stimulus.
As to the reassurances above that you will wake up when it's your own baby screaming - unfortunately, not always true. I've known two couples where the fathers (who were otherwise loving and responsible parents) slept peacefully all through the infant years of their kids, even when the babies where crying in the same room. My impression is that it tends to put an incredible strain on the marriage. So, keep in mind that if all else fails, you need to make up big time during the rest of the day.
posted by sively at 10:52 PM on November 21, 2018 [13 favorites]
As to the reassurances above that you will wake up when it's your own baby screaming - unfortunately, not always true. I've known two couples where the fathers (who were otherwise loving and responsible parents) slept peacefully all through the infant years of their kids, even when the babies where crying in the same room. My impression is that it tends to put an incredible strain on the marriage. So, keep in mind that if all else fails, you need to make up big time during the rest of the day.
posted by sively at 10:52 PM on November 21, 2018 [13 favorites]
Seconding what Sively said. A baby's cry is amazingly effective at waking most people, but not all.
My wife slept through both our children's cries and even sometimes the apnea monitor for daughter II. She would go to bed saying, "wake me, OK?" But that was usually as much effort as whatever the baby needed, so I would just do it myself.
It evolved into my wife being the daytime parent while I was at work and me being the nighttime parent. And this worked out alright, because we talked about it and acknowledged it - and especially acknowledged that there was no blame involved. She wasn't purposely sticking me with the middle-of-the-night duties any more than I intentionally stuck her with the whole pregnancy thing. Just the different ways we're put together.
One important factor: I had to come to terms with the idea that if she were asleep it was as if the kids were home alone. Schedule and lifestyle changes were required.
posted by wjm at 1:31 AM on November 22, 2018 [8 favorites]
My wife slept through both our children's cries and even sometimes the apnea monitor for daughter II. She would go to bed saying, "wake me, OK?" But that was usually as much effort as whatever the baby needed, so I would just do it myself.
It evolved into my wife being the daytime parent while I was at work and me being the nighttime parent. And this worked out alright, because we talked about it and acknowledged it - and especially acknowledged that there was no blame involved. She wasn't purposely sticking me with the middle-of-the-night duties any more than I intentionally stuck her with the whole pregnancy thing. Just the different ways we're put together.
One important factor: I had to come to terms with the idea that if she were asleep it was as if the kids were home alone. Schedule and lifestyle changes were required.
posted by wjm at 1:31 AM on November 22, 2018 [8 favorites]
I can sleep through parties and alarm clocks and all that. If the baby is in a cot next to your bed, you will wake up. Trust me. Even if not, your wife will wake you when it's your turn.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:40 AM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:40 AM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
On preview I see that there are some people who will sleep thought it - I'd say that's the exception rather than the rule though.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:46 AM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:46 AM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
At some point in that first year, my partner and I started being "on" for shifts. Basically, if he was awakened anytime before midnight/1am, he was totally groggy, grumpy and just felt terrible the next day. However, he could do an early morning wake-up and feel just fine about it. Luckily, I was the opposite. I started going to bed early and getting some alone time before bed every night and my partner did the go-to-sleep routine. (We used bottles and boob at the beginning and then bottles.) This allowed me to turn "off" and get a couple hours sleep before the first wake. After 1 am, it was his "shift" and if I awoke, I'd nudge him and he'd do the work. Or, I'd just sleep through. It was like some kind of magic spell and it was helpful for us to be very explicit.
This is basically what we did for our 2 kids - I have always been a night-owl who goes to bed at midnight/1am anyway, whereas my other half like early nights and is a "morning person". What was helpful was both babies had a very rigid feeding schedule - partner would breastfeed the baby at 8pm, then go to bed. I would stay up and feed the baby a bottle at midnight, then go to bed. Partner would get up and feed the baby at 4am (having had 7.5-8 hours sleep), then we'd both get up at 8am, and partner would feed the baby and I'd go to work. We both got 7-8 hours sleep and the baby got his 4-hourly feeds.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:55 AM on November 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
This is basically what we did for our 2 kids - I have always been a night-owl who goes to bed at midnight/1am anyway, whereas my other half like early nights and is a "morning person". What was helpful was both babies had a very rigid feeding schedule - partner would breastfeed the baby at 8pm, then go to bed. I would stay up and feed the baby a bottle at midnight, then go to bed. Partner would get up and feed the baby at 4am (having had 7.5-8 hours sleep), then we'd both get up at 8am, and partner would feed the baby and I'd go to work. We both got 7-8 hours sleep and the baby got his 4-hourly feeds.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:55 AM on November 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
If you do sleep through your baby crying (my husband can), it may take you repeatedly insisting to your wife/partner that they can wake you up. My husband really had to press me on this because it *seemed* easier not to wake him. As I became increasingly more sleep deprived it made less and less sense to me to wake him. Eventually he intervened and insisted I sleep through the night. As far as I know, his technique that night was to stay up the whole night (which he can do as a night owl). This was key because I needed to get some sleep so I could negotiate with a clear head what would work for us. Now I wake him and we take turns.
People need a five hour chunk of sleep for their brain to get the benefits of sleep. It will be hard for anyone to get that at first. In the early days try a shift schedule so each parent is getting 5 hours (in one chunk, not spread throughout the day)in a 24 hour day.
posted by CMcG at 2:50 AM on November 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
People need a five hour chunk of sleep for their brain to get the benefits of sleep. It will be hard for anyone to get that at first. In the early days try a shift schedule so each parent is getting 5 hours (in one chunk, not spread throughout the day)in a 24 hour day.
posted by CMcG at 2:50 AM on November 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
I can sleep through anything and the slightest whimper from my child will cut through the deepest slumber and wake me immediately.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 3:55 AM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Admiral Haddock at 3:55 AM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
If you do end up being the sleep-through parent, then for the love of your marriage, not only pick up the slack during the day, help your wife NAP. Give her guilt-free absolute time to sleep during the day so she can get some sleep debt repaid for that crushing first few months/years of being on night duty.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:46 AM on November 22, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:46 AM on November 22, 2018 [13 favorites]
Major emphasis on the necessity of the 5-hr sleep minimum. That was our daily 24-hour goal. The days where it didn’t happen were bad!
posted by amanda at 7:20 AM on November 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by amanda at 7:20 AM on November 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
I also can sleep through literally anything except baby noises. I don’t know if it’s gendered or not, but it was super effective. However, what you can also do is tell your wife she can wake you to take care of the baby.
posted by corb at 8:15 AM on November 22, 2018
posted by corb at 8:15 AM on November 22, 2018
My husband slept through. We had to reach agreement that I could get violently aggressive if I needed him to get up and help. We ended up doing shifts where he'd stay up until 1 and tend to the baby and I'd take everything after that.
I refuse to have another child in large part because of this. If you want a second child, you need to figure this out.
posted by notjustthefish at 8:18 AM on November 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
I refuse to have another child in large part because of this. If you want a second child, you need to figure this out.
posted by notjustthefish at 8:18 AM on November 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
"If the baby is in a cot next to your bed, you will wake up."
Yes, I do want to clarify -- we had all three of our babies in a sidecar cot next to the bed for their first twelve weeks, four feet from my husband's head. Never woke him up. (Actually, a baby woke him up exactly one time, and he was so disoriented he thought someone had broken into the house.) Most people wake up! But some don't.
"One important factor: I had to come to terms with the idea that if she were asleep it was as if the kids were home alone. Schedule and lifestyle changes were required."
This too. Only in the last couple years when my oldest two have become competent to get themselves snacks and reliably fetch a grown-up in an emergency have I felt comfortable, like, dashing to the grocery store when my husband is asleep. We had a couple of toddler-years catastrophes where I was out running errands or seeing friends and he fell asleep and Bad Things happened to the house when a toddler woke up unsupervised.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:41 AM on November 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Yes, I do want to clarify -- we had all three of our babies in a sidecar cot next to the bed for their first twelve weeks, four feet from my husband's head. Never woke him up. (Actually, a baby woke him up exactly one time, and he was so disoriented he thought someone had broken into the house.) Most people wake up! But some don't.
"One important factor: I had to come to terms with the idea that if she were asleep it was as if the kids were home alone. Schedule and lifestyle changes were required."
This too. Only in the last couple years when my oldest two have become competent to get themselves snacks and reliably fetch a grown-up in an emergency have I felt comfortable, like, dashing to the grocery store when my husband is asleep. We had a couple of toddler-years catastrophes where I was out running errands or seeing friends and he fell asleep and Bad Things happened to the house when a toddler woke up unsupervised.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:41 AM on November 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
My daughter and son-in-law have relied on a baby monitor since they had their little one back in January. It's been working great for them when baby is fussing and not quite crying. You don't need a monitor for a crying baby.
They also split-up the days for baby night duty, so they share the sleep deprivation.
posted by Thorzdad at 9:28 AM on November 22, 2018
They also split-up the days for baby night duty, so they share the sleep deprivation.
posted by Thorzdad at 9:28 AM on November 22, 2018
Co-sleep or baby in bassinet by side of bed. You will wake up!
posted by BlueHorse at 9:42 AM on November 22, 2018
posted by BlueHorse at 9:42 AM on November 22, 2018
It's great that you're worried about this but really hard to know how you will both cope with nighttime wake sessions and other things. Just make sure that you read some "how to care for baby" books if you haven't already. My partner did that ahead of our birth. I read the birthing books, he read the baby care books and we'd occasionally point something out to the other that we felt important. When I ended up with a C-section after a very long labor, it was so amazing to have a partner who felt like he was ready to change the baby, feed the baby, hold the baby, rock the baby, etc.! Even if only from book-learning. He was instructing *me* on swaddling and diaper rash. It was great and definitely worked to balance the scales for my sleep deprivation.
posted by amanda at 10:10 AM on November 22, 2018
posted by amanda at 10:10 AM on November 22, 2018
I actually think this isn't a terrible problem. I am a light sleeper and woke up TOO much and think I often would disturb my babies when they were just shifting cycles. (Google "the pause"). That said, my best friend is a very heavy sleeper and she always woke up -- it was just a parent's intuition, I think.
posted by heavenknows at 4:02 PM on November 22, 2018
posted by heavenknows at 4:02 PM on November 22, 2018
I didn't read any of the answers so not sure if this has been addressed or not, but. Your body will train you. That's what the last trimester is for. You will be uncomfortable and will hardly get any sleep, and when you do sleep you will sleep lightly, and you will get used to barely sleeping. It's to prep you for what the next year of your life is going to be like. Your body is doing you a solid.
You will wake up. This will not be a problem.
posted by the webmistress at 6:54 PM on November 22, 2018
You will wake up. This will not be a problem.
posted by the webmistress at 6:54 PM on November 22, 2018
Jane the Brown's examples are great. Outside of a sleep issue or sedative, I have never met a mother who can sleep through her infant's cries. Major reconstruction goes on physically and psychologically during and after pregnancy -- you may find your normal sleep habits no longer apply.
Your brain and body will do things to care for your infant without you being aware or granting permission. It is astonishing and humbling, truly.
More anecdata:
I've also walked across the room in deep sleep and awakened seconds before lifting my baby up for a snuggle -- something my body was ready to do without me, apparently.
I know a mom who needs sleep meds and a white noise generator on full blast just to sleep in her own room when she is off night duty bc otherwise the baby sounds get through and she can't sleep at all.
I'd be curious about a follow-up on your experiences, post baby!
posted by this-apoptosis at 8:41 PM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Your brain and body will do things to care for your infant without you being aware or granting permission. It is astonishing and humbling, truly.
More anecdata:
I've also walked across the room in deep sleep and awakened seconds before lifting my baby up for a snuggle -- something my body was ready to do without me, apparently.
I know a mom who needs sleep meds and a white noise generator on full blast just to sleep in her own room when she is off night duty bc otherwise the baby sounds get through and she can't sleep at all.
I'd be curious about a follow-up on your experiences, post baby!
posted by this-apoptosis at 8:41 PM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: So, to summarize,
1. Even people who don't wake up for most things usually wake up for screaming babies, so there's some hope this won't actually be a problem.
2. Have my wife or a vibrating monitor shake me awake.
3. Let my wife do all the night care in exchange for less work during the day.
I'm most optimistic about (2).
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 9:53 PM on November 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
1. Even people who don't wake up for most things usually wake up for screaming babies, so there's some hope this won't actually be a problem.
2. Have my wife or a vibrating monitor shake me awake.
3. Let my wife do all the night care in exchange for less work during the day.
I'm most optimistic about (2).
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 9:53 PM on November 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
We have a 5 month old. My husband is like you and can sleep through our son’s banshee screams. He gets up super early to work but on his off days - I do night duty until 4 am. Then he takes the babe from 4am on and I sleep as long as I want. Even if it’s only a couple of times a week it’s heavenly.
There are most definitely other ways where you can pick up the slack. I really don’t mind doing night duty because it wakes me up anyway and I’m happy that my husband is getting rest. If you pitch in a lot during waking hours it should all even out in the wash.
posted by pintapicasso at 4:29 PM on November 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
There are most definitely other ways where you can pick up the slack. I really don’t mind doing night duty because it wakes me up anyway and I’m happy that my husband is getting rest. If you pitch in a lot during waking hours it should all even out in the wash.
posted by pintapicasso at 4:29 PM on November 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
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You could also try an alarm that starts off quiet and gets gradually louder.
But in any case, you don’t necessarily have to wait for the infant to cry before you go care for it. You can set an alarm for a scheduled time and then feed and change the baby. Assuming you don’t need a TNT blast of an alarm clock to get you out of bed in the middle of the night (I can’t imagine that would do great things for your marriage either, if you need a super-loud noise to wake you up 2-3 times a night), that should keep you on course without having to worry about whether you heard the baby.
posted by Autumnheart at 8:40 PM on November 21, 2018 [1 favorite]