How can I navigate this family situation?
October 3, 2018 10:56 AM Subscribe
Went out with my sister-in-law, she drank quite a bit and got cozy with the guys at the club. Not sure she remembers it. How should I respond?
She is newly married to my brother but they've been together several years. My brother went out of town and the two of us decided to go out. At the club she had her 3rd drink of the night and just kept going. I watched her dance close with some men, hang out by the bar while two men bought her drinks, and then saw her sitting close together with another man in a corner.
Toward the end of the night I went over and sat right next to her. After talking and dancing together it was clear she was some level of drunk. She wasn't wearing her wedding ring. The guy wouldn't look me in the eye, I assume because I was sober and chilling the vibe. In the end I waited outside while she went off angrily on a couple people. Then I took a Lyft with her back to her place before going home.
I feel weird and I'm not sure how to think about the fact that someone I love may have hurt someone else I love. They have their issues but overall they're a strong couple and she guards their attention and time for each other. In contrast, I'm single and can pretty much do whatever I want when I go out, within the limits of honoring my wellbeing and that of the people I meet.
We've never gone out like this before. Not sure what her norm is when she goes out or what their exact standards are for each other when one goes out without the other. I actually don't think they go out much if the other isn't present.
What level of "WHAT!?" is this? Should I talk to her? What should I say? My brother is actually a recovering alcoholic and I've worked for years on recovering from codependency. What would a friendly, loving, non-codependent person feel and do? (I will talk to my therapist the next time I see her.)
She is newly married to my brother but they've been together several years. My brother went out of town and the two of us decided to go out. At the club she had her 3rd drink of the night and just kept going. I watched her dance close with some men, hang out by the bar while two men bought her drinks, and then saw her sitting close together with another man in a corner.
Toward the end of the night I went over and sat right next to her. After talking and dancing together it was clear she was some level of drunk. She wasn't wearing her wedding ring. The guy wouldn't look me in the eye, I assume because I was sober and chilling the vibe. In the end I waited outside while she went off angrily on a couple people. Then I took a Lyft with her back to her place before going home.
I feel weird and I'm not sure how to think about the fact that someone I love may have hurt someone else I love. They have their issues but overall they're a strong couple and she guards their attention and time for each other. In contrast, I'm single and can pretty much do whatever I want when I go out, within the limits of honoring my wellbeing and that of the people I meet.
We've never gone out like this before. Not sure what her norm is when she goes out or what their exact standards are for each other when one goes out without the other. I actually don't think they go out much if the other isn't present.
What level of "WHAT!?" is this? Should I talk to her? What should I say? My brother is actually a recovering alcoholic and I've worked for years on recovering from codependency. What would a friendly, loving, non-codependent person feel and do? (I will talk to my therapist the next time I see her.)
If I saw a woman friend acting drunk and out of character in a way that would presumably be inconsistent with her morals, I would try gently to intervene and get her away from the predatory dudes and/or the drinking establishment altogether. It may or may not work (probably depending on whether she's just accidentally had one too many or is a hard-core defensive alcoholic), but you've done your best to help someone who may be experiencing really impaired judgment. I've always thought this was the baseline expectation for a woman you consider a friend. I mean, I wouldn't go drinking with someone who wouldn't do this to/for me.
But that's in the moment. Now you need to keep your mouth shut. You are not looking at some blatant case of cheating, you are looking at an inappropriate level of flirtation. That's not something you need to either tattle or lecture about. You're not in a position right now to know if she drinks too much as a general matter, and whether or not to intervene if you do know that is hard enough.
posted by praemunire at 11:07 AM on October 3, 2018 [22 favorites]
But that's in the moment. Now you need to keep your mouth shut. You are not looking at some blatant case of cheating, you are looking at an inappropriate level of flirtation. That's not something you need to either tattle or lecture about. You're not in a position right now to know if she drinks too much as a general matter, and whether or not to intervene if you do know that is hard enough.
posted by praemunire at 11:07 AM on October 3, 2018 [22 favorites]
Yeah… I would just let this one lie. I can't see any upside to not just dropping it, but I can see a whole lot of downside. Why do you think she might not remember what happened? It doesn't sound like she got totally obliterated, just drunk. Unless she got way more trashed than it sounds like from your question, I assume she remembers exactly what happened and probably is feeling a bit ashamed. That's probably enough, under the circumstances.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 11:12 AM on October 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 11:12 AM on October 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
I would normally leave this be but I’m really confused as to why she wasn’t wearing her wedding ring.
posted by raccoon409 at 11:13 AM on October 3, 2018 [20 favorites]
posted by raccoon409 at 11:13 AM on October 3, 2018 [20 favorites]
Yeah, the wedding ring thing got to me too, and I don't think it's out of line to ask why she took it off in a "just curious, but what was up with that" sort of way. Her behavior may be completely innocent. Or she might be doing something else, and it's good to let her know someone is watching.
posted by ubiquity at 11:17 AM on October 3, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by ubiquity at 11:17 AM on October 3, 2018 [2 favorites]
I would think my goals through before doing anything. What do you expect to happen when you bring this up with your SIL? Do you think it's fair to demand an accounting of her marriage? Are you going to end up in a kind of marriage-police position? How is she going to feel knowing that you're watching and judging her behavior with the implication that you're ready to report on her to your brother? And how do you expect this to help her marriage?
You're a peer, not a parent or authority figure, so this puts you in a weird position.
I feel like you're setting yourself up as someone who is policing her marriage and behavior, and that is not a good position for a sibling-in-law.
She's either looking for a chance to cheat or she just got a little sloshed and there was novelty value in flirting since she is, after all, in a committed relationship. Cheaters are going to cheat. People who sometimes flirt a little too much but are committed to their partners aren't. I don't think putting yourself in the middle is a good plan.
posted by Frowner at 11:28 AM on October 3, 2018 [19 favorites]
You're a peer, not a parent or authority figure, so this puts you in a weird position.
I feel like you're setting yourself up as someone who is policing her marriage and behavior, and that is not a good position for a sibling-in-law.
She's either looking for a chance to cheat or she just got a little sloshed and there was novelty value in flirting since she is, after all, in a committed relationship. Cheaters are going to cheat. People who sometimes flirt a little too much but are committed to their partners aren't. I don't think putting yourself in the middle is a good plan.
posted by Frowner at 11:28 AM on October 3, 2018 [19 favorites]
In the end I waited outside while she went off angrily on a couple people.
More troubling than dancing with/sitting near men, imo. She's in charge of enforcing the boundaries of her own relationship and this is a grey area-- totally acceptable, even encouraged in some relationships, out of bounds and cheating in others. Do you know their boundaries? If not, then you aren't in a position to address it.
Are you close with your brother? I am and I would actually tell mine if his wife was drunk enough to yell at strangers. Not in a tattle-tale salacious way, in a fyi way.
posted by kapers at 11:36 AM on October 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
More troubling than dancing with/sitting near men, imo. She's in charge of enforcing the boundaries of her own relationship and this is a grey area-- totally acceptable, even encouraged in some relationships, out of bounds and cheating in others. Do you know their boundaries? If not, then you aren't in a position to address it.
Are you close with your brother? I am and I would actually tell mine if his wife was drunk enough to yell at strangers. Not in a tattle-tale salacious way, in a fyi way.
posted by kapers at 11:36 AM on October 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
I took my wedding ring off experimentally when I was thinking about ending my marriage, but hadn't yet decided. I didn't do anything about it, I just wanted to know how it felt.
My vote is still don't say anything unless you see it becoming a pattern.
posted by wellred at 11:38 AM on October 3, 2018 [9 favorites]
My vote is still don't say anything unless you see it becoming a pattern.
posted by wellred at 11:38 AM on October 3, 2018 [9 favorites]
These things would make me uncomfortable too, but the wedding ring removal is what sticks out. I would wait and see for now.
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:51 AM on October 3, 2018
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:51 AM on October 3, 2018
Also: you don't know why her wedding ring is off. Maybe she's thinking of divorce. Maybe she's gained or lost five pounds of water weight and her fingers are shrunken/bloated. Maybe she took it off to wash her hands and ran out the door to the bar, forgetting it on the sink. One of my parents had to replace a lost wedding ring because of something like that (except it was 'traveling and forgot it on the sink'; the Frowners are not great bar-goers). Life is full of false patterns.
If she'd been relatively sober and making out with a guy, that would be one thing. If you really thought she was cheating, that would be one thing. If she has a habit of getting drunk and belligerent, that's one thing.
But I know someone who got so drunk that they embarrassed themselves in front of colleagues and got home so sloshed that they couldn't manage to remove their own shoes. This was wildly out of character, hasn't recurred over the entire time I've known them and seems to have been prompted by a combination of stress and "I had two drinks on an empty stomach in quick succession; now my judgment is too impaired to stop and we're off to the races".
You have one incident which is subject to many plausible explanations and which has to be weighed against your longstanding observation that your SIL cares about and makes time for your brother. Be careful about things that look like they're dense with meaning - often those things are just coincidence.
posted by Frowner at 12:09 PM on October 3, 2018 [29 favorites]
If she'd been relatively sober and making out with a guy, that would be one thing. If you really thought she was cheating, that would be one thing. If she has a habit of getting drunk and belligerent, that's one thing.
But I know someone who got so drunk that they embarrassed themselves in front of colleagues and got home so sloshed that they couldn't manage to remove their own shoes. This was wildly out of character, hasn't recurred over the entire time I've known them and seems to have been prompted by a combination of stress and "I had two drinks on an empty stomach in quick succession; now my judgment is too impaired to stop and we're off to the races".
You have one incident which is subject to many plausible explanations and which has to be weighed against your longstanding observation that your SIL cares about and makes time for your brother. Be careful about things that look like they're dense with meaning - often those things are just coincidence.
posted by Frowner at 12:09 PM on October 3, 2018 [29 favorites]
The wedding ring could have been removed in order to increase the odds of receiving free drinks.
posted by bigplugin at 12:29 PM on October 3, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by bigplugin at 12:29 PM on October 3, 2018 [13 favorites]
Also: you don't know why her wedding ring is off. Maybe she's thinking of divorce. Maybe she's gained or lost five pounds of water weight and her fingers are shrunken/bloated.
Yeah, I don't wear my ring when I've lost weight and I'm going somewhere dark, where there is dancing, because I'm terrified of it flying off my hand and being lost forever. I def. wouldn't read too much into the ring thing -- there are lots of reasons not to wear your ring to the club.
I'd basically just watch and wait. You don't have enough information to do ANYTHING yet, anyway.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 12:34 PM on October 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
Yeah, I don't wear my ring when I've lost weight and I'm going somewhere dark, where there is dancing, because I'm terrified of it flying off my hand and being lost forever. I def. wouldn't read too much into the ring thing -- there are lots of reasons not to wear your ring to the club.
I'd basically just watch and wait. You don't have enough information to do ANYTHING yet, anyway.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 12:34 PM on October 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
Removing the wedding ring in order to troll for drinks seems like the most innocent explanation for this non-innocent situation.
posted by rileyray3000 at 12:37 PM on October 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by rileyray3000 at 12:37 PM on October 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
You have one incident which is subject to many plausible explanations and which has to be weighed against your longstanding observation that your SIL cares about and makes time for your brother. Be careful about things that look like they're dense with meaning - often those things are just coincidence.
Agree. In terms of how big of a "WHAT" is this night, I would say not really a big deal. For some (many?) marriages this would be absolutely in bounds and normal. HOWEVER.
I think it's totally fine for you to clue your brother in to JUST THE FACTS of the night. Do not engage in conspiracy, don't draw conclusions from "weird looks" or "close sitting" or whatever. Tell your brother it was an off night in your opinion and see if he heard anything from his wife about it. Off night because [wife] ended up yelling at people while you waited for the Lyft would be the only information I'd include, if I was you. He might know she has a tendency to get belligerent when drunk and not care.
If this is a one time instance of questionable behavior, then no harm no foul. BUT, at least let your brother collect the data points for himself. It may turn out to be just this one data point, or it might become a pattern of increasingly intolerable stuff.
FYI - I chose not to report a friend's bad behavior because I thought it was a single instance of bad, drunk judgement. Turns out there were about 5 of us doing the same thing (all not reporting, thinking it was "just the once"), and when friend eventually performed the bad judgement in front of EVERYONE, I was questioned about why I had not reported back when I first knew about my event.
posted by skrozidile at 12:45 PM on October 3, 2018
Agree. In terms of how big of a "WHAT" is this night, I would say not really a big deal. For some (many?) marriages this would be absolutely in bounds and normal. HOWEVER.
I think it's totally fine for you to clue your brother in to JUST THE FACTS of the night. Do not engage in conspiracy, don't draw conclusions from "weird looks" or "close sitting" or whatever. Tell your brother it was an off night in your opinion and see if he heard anything from his wife about it. Off night because [wife] ended up yelling at people while you waited for the Lyft would be the only information I'd include, if I was you. He might know she has a tendency to get belligerent when drunk and not care.
If this is a one time instance of questionable behavior, then no harm no foul. BUT, at least let your brother collect the data points for himself. It may turn out to be just this one data point, or it might become a pattern of increasingly intolerable stuff.
FYI - I chose not to report a friend's bad behavior because I thought it was a single instance of bad, drunk judgement. Turns out there were about 5 of us doing the same thing (all not reporting, thinking it was "just the once"), and when friend eventually performed the bad judgement in front of EVERYONE, I was questioned about why I had not reported back when I first knew about my event.
posted by skrozidile at 12:45 PM on October 3, 2018
If you are friends with this woman in any way separately from her relationship with your brother I think it's okay to say something along the lines of, I was not sure if you were okay the other night, the way you were acting is out of character for the person I know you to be, do you want to talk about it? Just in the spirit of checking in with someone you care about.
On the other hand, if you don't want to go out with her again, I think it's fair to tell her that too - like, hey I didn't realize you were going to get drunk and yell at people and scam drinks off strangers, that weirds me out and I don't want to be there for it. I am not sure how much it has to do with your brother. Maybe a lot! But maybe you aren't close and you feel like she put you in an uncomfortable spot.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 1:48 PM on October 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
On the other hand, if you don't want to go out with her again, I think it's fair to tell her that too - like, hey I didn't realize you were going to get drunk and yell at people and scam drinks off strangers, that weirds me out and I don't want to be there for it. I am not sure how much it has to do with your brother. Maybe a lot! But maybe you aren't close and you feel like she put you in an uncomfortable spot.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 1:48 PM on October 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
I would say nothing. Another vote for wait and see.
If it were me, I would pass on going out to clubs with SIL in the future. Yelling at people and using people for drinks sounds stressful.
posted by loveandhappiness at 2:11 PM on October 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
If it were me, I would pass on going out to clubs with SIL in the future. Yelling at people and using people for drinks sounds stressful.
posted by loveandhappiness at 2:11 PM on October 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
I totally understand why it all made you uncomfortable, and in particular the yelling at people part. If it were anyone else you might even bring it up just as matter of mild gossip, right, like "I was surprised Brunhilde is the yelling-in-bars type!"
But I can't see any good coming of telling your brother any of this unless he asks you or if it comes up another way (I mean if she comes home with a black eye from a bar fight two weeks from now, you might tell him.) All you saw is that she got drunk at a bar; was seemingly flirty; and then yelled. You don't even know why she yelled, maybe the person had it coming. Nothing about problematic drinking; nothing about infidelity. Leave it alone.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:59 PM on October 3, 2018
But I can't see any good coming of telling your brother any of this unless he asks you or if it comes up another way (I mean if she comes home with a black eye from a bar fight two weeks from now, you might tell him.) All you saw is that she got drunk at a bar; was seemingly flirty; and then yelled. You don't even know why she yelled, maybe the person had it coming. Nothing about problematic drinking; nothing about infidelity. Leave it alone.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:59 PM on October 3, 2018
My brother is actually a recovering alcoholic and I've worked for years on recovering from codependency.
don't know why the obvious answer hasn't been repeated a dozen times yet, which is that if she can't drink around your brother because of consideration and good manners, it's no surprise she drinks too much on the rare occasion she can both 1. get drunk and 2. have someone there with her, for companionship. If you are not a person it is ok to drink with, for your own reasons ( you have a perfect right to be such a person), tell her so.
this is not to say I know or believe that she did drink too much. it is DEFINITELY not to endorse the viewpoint that sitting with a man in a corner or letting other people buy her drinks compromises her putative morals and must have been an alcohol-soaked lapse, at best. that's really something.
In the end I waited outside while she went off angrily on a couple people.
this is the thing you're struggling with re: someone you love hurting someone else you love? I assume so given that it's the one instance of clear bad behavior. I think that telling on her to her husband just so he knows, hey, your wife yelled at some strangers in a bar and then we went home, thought you should know, is weird as hell. I'm not sure why it would hurt him, whether or not you tell him about it, but you know him best.
I think that if you don't have fun with her when she's drinking, feel the need to count her drinks, and don't like the way she behaves when drunk, you shouldn't go to clubs and bars with her. and that isn't related to her being your brother's wife.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:18 PM on October 3, 2018 [14 favorites]
don't know why the obvious answer hasn't been repeated a dozen times yet, which is that if she can't drink around your brother because of consideration and good manners, it's no surprise she drinks too much on the rare occasion she can both 1. get drunk and 2. have someone there with her, for companionship. If you are not a person it is ok to drink with, for your own reasons ( you have a perfect right to be such a person), tell her so.
this is not to say I know or believe that she did drink too much. it is DEFINITELY not to endorse the viewpoint that sitting with a man in a corner or letting other people buy her drinks compromises her putative morals and must have been an alcohol-soaked lapse, at best. that's really something.
In the end I waited outside while she went off angrily on a couple people.
this is the thing you're struggling with re: someone you love hurting someone else you love? I assume so given that it's the one instance of clear bad behavior. I think that telling on her to her husband just so he knows, hey, your wife yelled at some strangers in a bar and then we went home, thought you should know, is weird as hell. I'm not sure why it would hurt him, whether or not you tell him about it, but you know him best.
I think that if you don't have fun with her when she's drinking, feel the need to count her drinks, and don't like the way she behaves when drunk, you shouldn't go to clubs and bars with her. and that isn't related to her being your brother's wife.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:18 PM on October 3, 2018 [14 favorites]
This doesn't sound like a healthy night out to me, and I think that a lot of the other suggestions that this is no big deal and that you are overreacting are wrong. I think your feelings are reasonable and valid, and I think many or most people would feel the way that you do in your situation.
That said, I don't know why you'd talk to your sister in law and not your brother. I'd have a conversation with your brother that centered on your feelings. "Here's what happened, and it bothered me. Should I be bothered?" He might say, "No, that's just what she does, it's fine" or he might also be bothered and then make his own decision about what to do. That's what I would want my brother to do, and that's what I would do with my brother.
On the third hand, if you aren't close enough with your brother to have this kind of conversation, you should butt out entirely. But in that case, stop spending time with his wife in this way-it bothers you!
posted by Kwine at 6:48 PM on October 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
That said, I don't know why you'd talk to your sister in law and not your brother. I'd have a conversation with your brother that centered on your feelings. "Here's what happened, and it bothered me. Should I be bothered?" He might say, "No, that's just what she does, it's fine" or he might also be bothered and then make his own decision about what to do. That's what I would want my brother to do, and that's what I would do with my brother.
On the third hand, if you aren't close enough with your brother to have this kind of conversation, you should butt out entirely. But in that case, stop spending time with his wife in this way-it bothers you!
posted by Kwine at 6:48 PM on October 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
The more I think about the whole thing, the more I find myself agreeing with Frowner's sentiments. I get why her behavior made you uncomfortable—it would have made me uncomfortable, no question—but you just don't have enough to act on, and you aren't really in a position to pry. This is the kind of situation that the phrase "benefit of the doubt" was made for. Your sister-in-law deserves the benefit of the doubt, at least this time.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:08 PM on October 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:08 PM on October 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
Watch and wait --- for now.
This is definitely troubling behaviour and your first ultimate loyalty is to your brother. See if this is a one-time slip or a recurring behaviour, in which case you should tell your brother.
posted by moiraine at 1:50 AM on October 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
This is definitely troubling behaviour and your first ultimate loyalty is to your brother. See if this is a one-time slip or a recurring behaviour, in which case you should tell your brother.
posted by moiraine at 1:50 AM on October 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
I agree with Kwine. I'd find time to broach this with my brother.
If you're not looking out for your own brother, what are you even doing? Someone above asked how she'll feel knowing that you're watching and reporting things to your brother. That's how she should feel. That's how I've felt with the siblings of anyone I've ever dated. Of course they're their siblings first and my friend second.
If you don't trust your brother not to overreact, then that's a totally different thing. But if this just a regular "am I making too much out of this or should I tell him?" question, then I'd suggest you tell him and let him think about how much to make of this himself.
posted by salvia at 6:09 AM on October 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
If you're not looking out for your own brother, what are you even doing? Someone above asked how she'll feel knowing that you're watching and reporting things to your brother. That's how she should feel. That's how I've felt with the siblings of anyone I've ever dated. Of course they're their siblings first and my friend second.
If you don't trust your brother not to overreact, then that's a totally different thing. But if this just a regular "am I making too much out of this or should I tell him?" question, then I'd suggest you tell him and let him think about how much to make of this himself.
posted by salvia at 6:09 AM on October 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
You can't get inside someone else's marriage. People are messy.
If she goes out once in a while, gets a bit drunk and flirts with guys, that's not the end of a marriage.
If she really wants to violate the rules of her marriage with your brother, she would have found someone else to go out with. There's no one less likely than you to keep her bad behaviour secret! You don't know what their rules are for one another. I wouldn't go to your brother. If you do, your SIL will likely hear about it, and your SIL will permanently feel watched when you go out socially. Your relationship with her is a long, important one.
Based on her getting kinda wasted and being a bit out of control, I might offer her a listening ear. Is there something stressful going on in her life? Mental health issues? It might be something other than her marriage. She may need help more than she needs to be tattled on. Or maybe she just had a tough week at work.
At the club she had her 3rd drink of the night and just kept going. I watched her dance close with some men, hang out by the bar while two men bought her drinks, and then saw her sitting close together with another man in a corner.
Occasional nights like this would not be out of bounds in my marriage. Lots of people with no desire to cheat find attention like this fun.
posted by thenormshow at 11:35 AM on October 4, 2018 [7 favorites]
If she goes out once in a while, gets a bit drunk and flirts with guys, that's not the end of a marriage.
If she really wants to violate the rules of her marriage with your brother, she would have found someone else to go out with. There's no one less likely than you to keep her bad behaviour secret! You don't know what their rules are for one another. I wouldn't go to your brother. If you do, your SIL will likely hear about it, and your SIL will permanently feel watched when you go out socially. Your relationship with her is a long, important one.
Based on her getting kinda wasted and being a bit out of control, I might offer her a listening ear. Is there something stressful going on in her life? Mental health issues? It might be something other than her marriage. She may need help more than she needs to be tattled on. Or maybe she just had a tough week at work.
At the club she had her 3rd drink of the night and just kept going. I watched her dance close with some men, hang out by the bar while two men bought her drinks, and then saw her sitting close together with another man in a corner.
Occasional nights like this would not be out of bounds in my marriage. Lots of people with no desire to cheat find attention like this fun.
posted by thenormshow at 11:35 AM on October 4, 2018 [7 favorites]
Occasional nights like this would not be out of bounds in my marriage. Lots of people with no desire to cheat find attention like this fun.As you can see, OP, different people have different boundaries. This kind of behaviour is totally out of bounds in my marriage, and in many people's marriages as well. I also definitely do not find attention like this fun -- I would be horrified if my SIL or friend did this, as it's massively disrespecting their marriages.
Just because "lots of people" think it's okay, doesn't mean it's okay for you, or for your brother. People here seem to suggest that since it's okay for their marriage, therefore, it's not wrong, and your brother should be okay with these things as well. False -- everyone has different boundaries.
Either way, your first obligation is towards your brother, and if she does show this behaviour consistently, then you should definitely tell him. If he was genuinely okay with such behaviour, then he would be cool with it and no problemo. If he's not okay, then you would have done him a massive favour by telling him that parts of his marriage based on a lie.
posted by moiraine at 1:45 PM on October 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
You can talk to your brother without it having to be "I have Something To Tell You." It can just start off by mentioning the get together and seeing what he says.
posted by salvia at 5:23 PM on October 4, 2018
posted by salvia at 5:23 PM on October 4, 2018
Just because "lots of people" think it's okay, doesn't mean it's okay for you, or for your brother.
Conversely, just because it wouldn't be okay in some people's marriages doesn't mean you should necessarily tell your brother.
I wouldn't be happy hearing about my wife acting like that (and I don't think she'd be okay hearing it about me, either), but I also don't think I'd want to be told if she did act that way one night. If there are problems and this isn't just a one-off night, it's going to come out in other ways, and if there are not problems then this would just be unnecessarily stirring the pot and generating suspicion. I also wouldn't think highly of someone - even my sister - policing my wife's actions like that.
(and fwiw, my wife and I both forget our wedding rings from time to time. It happens and doesn't have to mean anything)
posted by DingoMutt at 6:04 PM on October 4, 2018 [5 favorites]
Conversely, just because it wouldn't be okay in some people's marriages doesn't mean you should necessarily tell your brother.
I wouldn't be happy hearing about my wife acting like that (and I don't think she'd be okay hearing it about me, either), but I also don't think I'd want to be told if she did act that way one night. If there are problems and this isn't just a one-off night, it's going to come out in other ways, and if there are not problems then this would just be unnecessarily stirring the pot and generating suspicion. I also wouldn't think highly of someone - even my sister - policing my wife's actions like that.
(and fwiw, my wife and I both forget our wedding rings from time to time. It happens and doesn't have to mean anything)
posted by DingoMutt at 6:04 PM on October 4, 2018 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by quince at 11:05 AM on October 3, 2018 [43 favorites]