Dealing with attraction to a partnered friend

July 30, 2018 4:40 AM

I have romantic feelings for a friend – who is (uncertainly) married. Looking for advice on managing this and keeping the friendship healthy and non-weird.

I'm a straight dude; she's a straight woman. I've known her for many years. When I first met her (via a mutual friend), we clicked immediately – talking long into the night, etc.

For most of that time, we've just been in each other's general orbit – seeing each other occasionally at gatherings, commenting on each other's posts on Facebook, etc. But a year or two ago, we started spending more time together.

Part of the reason for that: her marriage has been on the rocks. Her husband has been in and out of rehab, and has been (literally and figuratively) unavailable. Divorce has been on the table for a while, and it's been very difficult for her. (If you want the grisly details, I posted this AskMe about it when all of this began. He's out of rehab, and currently sober – but she's pessimistic about the long-term prospects.) She's pretty introverted, and has moved around a lot, and doesn't have much of a support network. I guess I kinda became a post for her to lean on, and to fill her otherwise lonely free time. (She did have one other close friend who played a similar role, but they've since fallen out.)

As an introvert and sparse-support-network-haver myself, I was glad to have someone I "click" with to do things with. And, I wanted to be there to support her through this difficult experience.

But we soon found ourselves doing a lot of the things that couples do together: going out on various adventures during the day, then (often) going home and having drinks (or cooking together), crashing at each other's houses (in separate beds), texting each other frequently, etc. Spending long sessions of time together – at one point, we were talking about taking a long-weekend road trip. (Her husband has been in rehab during much of this time.)

No kind of infidelity has occurred, and (of course) people can spend time with people of the appropriate gender without it necessarily being romantic. She hasn't given any indication that she wants to move our relationship in a romantic direction. (I'm singularly terrible at reading social signals – but I'm pretty confident of this.) We haven't hidden any of this from her husband.

For my part, though: amidst all of this increased familiarity, I've realized that, holy crap would I like to jump her bones. I've become very attracted to her physically, I think about her more often than I probably should, and I always look forward to our next time together. So there have definitely been moments when I've wondered "what exactly am I doing here?" I think her husband has gotten (perhaps understandably) a bit jealous – and I know that's not necessarily my problem, but I do feel a little guilty/weird about it all.

I also feel a bit guilty because, by not telling my friend that I have these feelings, I feel like I'm not being fully honest with her – like I'm operating with ulterior motives or something.

Finally, these thoughts make me feel so goddamn selfish. Because, yes: if I'm being totally honest, part of me hopes that she divorces her husband, so that I can pursue a relationship with her. Meanwhile, she's hurting and just looking for a friend. So sometimes I feel like I'm trying to take advantage of her situation – and that makes me feel really, really shitty.

I suppose my questions are threefold:

1. Should I tell my friend that I've developed these feelings for her? I wouldn't be doing this in the hopes of taking our friendship in a romantic direction – if that ever happens, it's gonna happen after she's separated from her husband. It's just that, from where I'm standing, this has kinda become the elephant in the room.

I'm just wondering whether I should say "yo, you may not be aware of this, but I feel like I should tell you about this big-ass elephant that follows us around". So that she knows where I'm coming from, you know? So that our friendship can be based on, like, informed consent. (Probably not the ideal term here, but hopefully you get what I mean.)

I feel like there's no good answer to this. It seems like it would be a mistake to tell her – it would immediately complicate our friendship. On the other hand – well, see above, re: feeling guilty, selfish, dishonest, etc.

2. Should I reduce the amount of time I spend with her? (This has already happened, actually.) Like I said, I do want to support her, and I enjoy the time we spend together. But, on the other hand, I don't want to perpetuate an unhealthy or unhelpful situation.

3. In short, I guess I'm trying to choose between three paths. Path A: keep hanging out with her, but remain mum about my feelings (and feel guilty about it). Path B: tell her how I feel, and let things take their course from there. Path C: just withdraw a bit from her, without explaining why.

(Or, perhaps you have a Path D.)

Sorry for the length. Thanks!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total)

She hasn't given any indication that she wants to move our relationship in a romantic direction. (I'm singularly terrible at reading social signals – but I'm pretty confident of this.)

I think it's Path A.
She's dealing with a lot right now. She doesn't need to deal with your feelings too.

Meanwhile, she's hurting and just looking for a friend. So sometimes I feel like I'm trying to take advantage of her situation – and that makes me feel really, really shitty.

I think your shitty feelings are helpful. They make sure you keep up the necessary boundaries for you to be her friend right now because that's what it sounds like she actually really needs, a friend.

If your own feelings are overwhelming you to the point where you think you're going to spontaneously act upon them, then I suggest you scale back the intimacy, but not necessarily the friendship. For example, no more sleepovers, table that weekend road trip, reduce the texting.
posted by like_neon at 5:22 AM on July 30, 2018 [18 favorites]

I think that (1) you are being unnecessarily critical of yourself because there is nothing inherently wrong with the feelings you are developing, (2) it is quite possible and even pretty likely that she is wrestling with similar thoughts, (3) you should bring it up only if both of you are very very good at honest discussion.

But mostly I think that, instead of feeling anything like "guilt," you should start thinking more realistically and specifically rather than using vague words like "romance" or "attraction." It seems like there are two most likely outcomes here. One is that she and her husband stay together and become closer as he stays sober, and you end up feeling sad. The other is that she and her husband divorce, in which case the best thing for her would PROBABLY not be to leap immediately into a new relationship - and so again you end up feeling sad.

So, be self-protective here. Continue your great friendship if you can do that. But not to the exclusion of the possibility of finding another equally good friendship that can also be the "more than friendship" that you are hoping for.
posted by sheldman at 5:54 AM on July 30, 2018 [2 favorites]

I agree you're being overly critical of yourself. However unless the other person is clearly open to dating, my experience is that crushes are best enjoyed in the privacy of your own mind until they fade away. Keep some reasonable boundaries in place because you really don't want to become the scapegoat for the failed marriage because you let those boundaries slip.
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 6:23 AM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]

It's really valid and not at all weird to have feelings for your friend, but your path is A. Keep this to yourself. You say that you want to tell her because you feel like you're not being fully honest, but we've all got our secrets and that's okay. Your friend is dealing with a ton of stuff, and dropping this on her would make things weird in a way that they don't need to be, and it would basically mean putting a huge demand for emotional labor on her in that she'd have to have a reaction, she'd have to spend time and energy processing some kind of response instead of just enjoying your company. You've said she hasn't given any indication that she wants to move your relationship in a romantic direction, so leave it be - it sounds like the two of you have an amazing friendship, and in ways that could totally turn into something later.

But that's the key: later. After her situation resolves. After she figures out whether she's leaving her husband.

In the interim, if you really care about her, be her friend like you have been, and like she needs. Handle your own feelings, and enjoy what sounds like an absolutely amazing friendship.
posted by bile and syntax at 6:46 AM on July 30, 2018 [5 favorites]

"yo, you may not be aware of this, but I feel like I should tell you about this big-ass elephant that follows us around"

This is an elephant that is following YOU around, not the two of you. She has her own elephants and it's very unlikely that she hasn't considered that you are attracted to her. I agree with others that

- this is a normal way to feel
- these feelings are yours to manage in a way that optimizes for your friend's comfort as she works through what must be a truly terrible time
- if you can't do the above thing, then you should spend less time with her and you should tell her why

People can get distracted by the neurochemicals that manifest during a crush/attraction and it gives them a sense of urgency that is not a real thing. Work on your friendship with this woman. Set your crush aside. Keep yourself open both to something happening and to something not happening. If you get to a point where you're going to feel mad, angry, upset, or hard done by if her feelings aren't reciprocal, then you should take some time off of the relationship.

Nearly every straight woman I know has a story about a guy who she was really good friends with until he expressed deeper feelings to her and then she said she didn't feel the same way and then he called her a bitch or said she was leading him on by being friendly or just never spoke to her again. If participating in relationship type activities with your friend is giving you confused feelings, you should work that out on your own. Dumping "I've got feelings for you" on to someone dealing with the dissolution of a marriage is bad timing and unfriendly.
posted by jessamyn at 6:48 AM on July 30, 2018 [31 favorites]

I can tell you're anguished about your feelings, and I recommend looking for someone who you don't feel anguished about being romantically interested in. Wouldn't it be great to come across someone who's emotionally available and you can ask out with a clear conscience, knowing that even if they say no or it doesn't work out, you didn't do anything wrong just by asking? I have a rule for myself to never express romantic interest in someone if I wouldn't have an entirely clear conscience about it. For example, I never ask out someone if they're, for instance, a server at a restaurant I'm dining at, since that wouldn't be an appropriate power dynamic for a relationship.

Although personally, I haven't enjoyed online dating so far, I recommend that you sign up for at least a month long online dating package even just to help remind yourself that there are other people out there who you could potentially connect with. Even if you turn out not to like it, giving it a try could help distract you from her for a while.

Spending less time with her sounds like a good idea to help you get passed your feelings and protect her from having to deal with them. I'd explain the distance in a brief, neutral way, such as, "I won't have as much time to socialize for a while, because I have some stuff in my life that I need to take care of. Thanks for understanding."
posted by Leafeon at 6:58 AM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

From a member who would like to be anonymous:

I've had a particular friend for more than 30 years. She's exactly my type. Super snarky and self sufficient, very smart (emotionally, technically, etc.), right kind of body, right kind of ethics, right kind of life. So of course, at some point when I was single and she was sort of dating this guy I didn't like (and still don't, tbh), and whom she wasn't sure of, I fell for her.

I could feel it happening, so I paused, to the extent I could, and told her, and asked her what she wanted. Because she's self sufficient, and smart, and because her current relationship was getting her what she wanted (more than I could have), and she carves her own path, she said she wanted to just be friends. And in the moment, with this nascent crush, it was pretty, well, crushing.

So I let myself be petulant about it for a couple of days, then we went to lunch together, and I started healing my heart, and went in another direction. Because my respect for her, my friendship, my devotion to it was greater than my transient crush. Because, when a woman doesn't want that kind of relationship or attention and says so, guess who it rests on? Us.

Do the work in front of you and pick Path A if you can bear it. And in a few years you should still have a good friendship and be able to support her through her life, whether or not she sticks with this partner. And if she doesn't, you can talk with her about your feelings (if they're still there) then.

But keep in mind: not everything has to go the romcom way and give us someone to date. Sometimes the longer, overall better path is to stay friends and be a good friend and not escalate that relationship any further. And be happy for our friends' successes in life.

posted by taz at 6:59 AM on July 30, 2018 [10 favorites]

Nearly every straight woman I know has a story about a guy who she was really good friends with until he expressed deeper feelings to her and then she said she didn't feel the same way and then he called her a bitch or said she was leading him on by being friendly or just never spoke to her again.

Yeah, this. I would hope you wouldn't be That Guy, but it's something every woman is afraid of.

You know you can't tell her. She is in no position to return your feelings whether she wants to or not, you'd only be making her life harder. Maybe only if she gets divorced, but that's all. I think secretly you want to tell her to see if she's interested, but even if she is, she's in a rough marriage and if she's a decent person, she can't reciprocate.

I would say that if you hang out with her you get more attracted, then you need to drop her as a friend entirely because being with her seems only to be fueling your fire. I wouldn't honestly tell her why if at all possible, though. I hate to say that if you're her only support system, but once someone wants to jump someone else's bones, the "friendship" is over anyway. The anonymous poster's story is very rare because in my experience, I've had to run screaming from dudes in order to get them to drop it. Her husband is jealous already (and with good reason), so if she asks, say you don't want to interfere with her marriage and want to stay out of it while she works things out.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:20 AM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]

ONe thing to consider is that there’s a good chance your feelings won’t stay exactly the same forever. Right now, in the throes of a crush, it might feel unbearable to do nothing because it seems like you’re consigning yourself to years of quiet agony. But as you’ve already experienced with this friendship, feelings like this can ebb and flow over the long term. I’d venture to say that many, if not most, long-term, close friendships between people of each other’s preferred gender(s) go through a phase where one friend develops romantic feelings. Sometimes those feelings stick, but a lot of times it is just a phase in the relationship.

So I’d agree with most of the other commenters that you should keep this to yourself for now and also be less hard on yourself. It’s not bad in and of itself that you’ve developed these feelings, and it sounds like you’ve handled it pretty well so far.
posted by lunasol at 9:21 AM on July 30, 2018 [2 favorites]

I (introverted male) could absolutely see myself in your position and can identify with your feelings.

Unless I'm misreading, she's still married and not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with anyone, right?

*If* they get divorced, I'd wait at least a year or eighteen months to reassess where things are. You're putting all of your eggs into the basket of someone who might never reciprocate interest, which is selling yourself short too. How frustrated will you be if you keep waiting and waiting and it never goes the way you want vs. seeking out potential companions that are available for dating.

If you can't be a friend to her without hopes of something more in return (which is understandable), I would advise stepping back from this relationship for your own sake.
posted by Twicketface at 1:17 PM on July 30, 2018 [3 favorites]

But we soon found ourselves doing a lot of the things that couples do together: going out on various adventures during the day, then (often) going home and having drinks (or cooking together), crashing at each other's houses (in separate beds), texting each other frequently, etc. Spending long sessions of time together – at one point, we were talking about taking a long-weekend road trip.

These are also things that good friends do together.

Spend time with other friends, go on some dates with people who aren't married.
posted by yohko at 3:57 PM on July 30, 2018

a friend – who is (uncertainly) married

Your friend is certainly married! There is no uncertainty that she is married.

If she gets divorced she'll be divorced, but until then she is married. There is no uncertain grey area here.
posted by yohko at 3:58 PM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]

One of the best things you can do right now for both of you is try to grow your own support network. Start volunteering, going to classes, whatever, and get to know more people. Hell, maybe even start to date! This will force you to put less pressure on your friendship with this one woman who has way too much in her life already now. Maybe even when you find cool people you can introduce them and expand both your support networks at the same time.
posted by storytam at 11:53 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

Oh oh what a massively heartbreaking situation this could collapse into! I feel you, falling for someone else's person sucks. But you can't tell her your feelings. depending on who you ask, this is easily falling into the territory of emotional infidelity, and potentially 'participating' in someone else's marriage falling apart isn't really something you want to scratch off your list. Even though she's leaning on you hard for support etc. right now still doesn't give you the entire picture of what is going on in their marriage and you cannot. forget. that.

I fully agree with peeps recommending expanding the circle of peeps you hang out with. Imagine yourself in her husbands shoes. A little space wouldnt hurt.
posted by speakeasy at 9:20 AM on July 31, 2018