Helping someone overcome class shame
July 17, 2018 4:49 AM Subscribe
I am looking for an inspiring talk (or something!) by someone who has grown up in what would be considered a "rough"/poor/"low ses" environment with not much opportunity, and through hard work and dedication, made their way into the middle class as a professional, but without disowning or disavowing their past.
I realise this might be an odd request, but I am working with someone who struggles with how her class background doesn't fit with her current identity.
In the middle class world of university, she feels ashamed and embarrassed of her class background and the difficulties she experienced, that her sheltered peers cannot relate to. She feels anxious about people finding out about her past.
I would like to help her integrate all her life experience into her current identity with pride, and I was thinking a good role model might be helpful. Someone who talks about their class background candidly and proudly would be inspiring, I think. Any suggestions appreciated.
I realise this might be an odd request, but I am working with someone who struggles with how her class background doesn't fit with her current identity.
In the middle class world of university, she feels ashamed and embarrassed of her class background and the difficulties she experienced, that her sheltered peers cannot relate to. She feels anxious about people finding out about her past.
I would like to help her integrate all her life experience into her current identity with pride, and I was thinking a good role model might be helpful. Someone who talks about their class background candidly and proudly would be inspiring, I think. Any suggestions appreciated.
I agree with the comment above. Also, maybe to help you understand better the very real issues raised by this situation try reading ‘Limbo: Blue Collar Roots, White Collar Dreams’.
I’ve recommended it here before, but don’t pass it to her unless she has very specifically asked for help or resources without prompting.
posted by freya_lamb at 5:19 AM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
I’ve recommended it here before, but don’t pass it to her unless she has very specifically asked for help or resources without prompting.
posted by freya_lamb at 5:19 AM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
I love hearing about successful people from non traditional backgrounds. There was a great desert islands discs episode recently about Dr Sue Black who got into tech through evening classes as an adult: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0b3b4m5
posted by JonB at 5:26 AM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by JonB at 5:26 AM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
Also here to agree with the consensus above, but if your friend IS looking for recommendations, or if you're looking to better understand her experience, Without a Net: The Female Experience of Growing Up Working Class is also great.
posted by ITheCosmos at 5:31 AM on July 17, 2018
posted by ITheCosmos at 5:31 AM on July 17, 2018
Mod note: Concerns about whether the friend has asked for this sort of help have now been noted, and OP can consider that, so going forward, let's stick to either answering the question or skipping the thread if you'd rather not. Thanks.
posted by taz (staff) at 5:41 AM on July 17, 2018
posted by taz (staff) at 5:41 AM on July 17, 2018
Response by poster: Thanks for the suggestions.
@mishafletch and @freya_lamb - yes I am a psychologist and she is my client, we have been talking explicitly about this and she has expressed a desire to be more at ease with her past. Sorry I don't know why I didn't state that explicitly.
posted by beccyjoe at 5:43 AM on July 17, 2018
@mishafletch and @freya_lamb - yes I am a psychologist and she is my client, we have been talking explicitly about this and she has expressed a desire to be more at ease with her past. Sorry I don't know why I didn't state that explicitly.
posted by beccyjoe at 5:43 AM on July 17, 2018
In that case definitely check Limbo out. There are no easy answers but as a class-straddler myself it really helped me better understand and come to terms with some of these issues.
posted by freya_lamb at 6:10 AM on July 17, 2018
posted by freya_lamb at 6:10 AM on July 17, 2018
I grew up poor and then went to a University well-known (apparently, it was news to me!) for being the top choice for public school (privately educated, usually white) kids to go to if they couldn't get into Oxbridge. As a white lady, I can pass - to some extent - until we really start talking. It's a favourite game of mine to use this 'in' to bust people's ideas about what "poor" people look like, think like, act like. Perhaps a little under-the-radar myth-busting might be a good foray into being a bit less anxious. She doesn't even need to say it's her experience, rather using her experience to push open their sheltered views. Bold example (I can't think of a subtle one right now): POSH "There were some ghastly people there from the council estate" ME "You know, I grew up on a council estate, and it was really interesting to have such a wide mix of families around me growing up".
posted by london explorer girl at 6:19 AM on July 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by london explorer girl at 6:19 AM on July 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
There is the British classic, The Uses of Literacy, by Richard Hoggart. It's known as a founding text of cultural studies. It's rigorous and vivid and helped me so much to understand and empathize with working class Northern English mores and my mother's background as a working class scholarship girl in the 40s. Not to mention a great swathe of British literature from Godwin through to Tressell, Lawrence, Welsh and beyond. (Beyond being like Alan Bleasdale, Jimmy Nail, Paul Abott and so forth.)
I would add that in Britain the whole intellectual climate of post war scholarship, arts, media and politics from the 40s to at least the 70s was formed by educated people transitioning out of the industrialised working class into the middle class.
I've never known a British person be ashamed of having working class origins, rather it's a type of cachet sometimes claimed with scant justification, the equivalent of those USA white people who claim a hypothetical Cherokee princess in their background. Cultural differences I guess. It took me a while to realise how ashamed of their background an American acquaintance was - I honestly would have thought it would be a source of pride for them.
posted by glasseyes at 6:35 AM on July 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
I would add that in Britain the whole intellectual climate of post war scholarship, arts, media and politics from the 40s to at least the 70s was formed by educated people transitioning out of the industrialised working class into the middle class.
I've never known a British person be ashamed of having working class origins, rather it's a type of cachet sometimes claimed with scant justification, the equivalent of those USA white people who claim a hypothetical Cherokee princess in their background. Cultural differences I guess. It took me a while to realise how ashamed of their background an American acquaintance was - I honestly would have thought it would be a source of pride for them.
posted by glasseyes at 6:35 AM on July 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
Wanted to add The Uses of Literacy was first published in 1957. I chose to link to amazon because the reviews are heartfelt and give more of a feel of the book than wikipedia.
Richard Hoggart's son Simon went on to write for the Guardian, so that particular transition to the middle class was complete - and I can't help feeling the family lost something by it. Well, that's my own prejudice showing and takes nothing away from the man's writing. Simon Hoggart died shortly after his father, at the age of 67. He had cancer.
posted by glasseyes at 6:43 AM on July 17, 2018
Richard Hoggart's son Simon went on to write for the Guardian, so that particular transition to the middle class was complete - and I can't help feeling the family lost something by it. Well, that's my own prejudice showing and takes nothing away from the man's writing. Simon Hoggart died shortly after his father, at the age of 67. He had cancer.
posted by glasseyes at 6:43 AM on July 17, 2018
I think JD Vance's Hillbilly Elegy might be helpful here.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:44 AM on July 17, 2018
posted by kevinbelt at 6:44 AM on July 17, 2018
kevinbelt: we here in Appalachia mostly have very negative opinions of J.D. Vance's book.
posted by MovableBookLady at 7:23 AM on July 17, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by MovableBookLady at 7:23 AM on July 17, 2018 [9 favorites]
Two more books, both by Englishmen. The title story of Alan Bennett's Untold Stories is about his working class family (Bennett another scholarship boy.)
A Country Boy by Richard Hillyer is a memoir detailing the transition into the middle class through education in 1918; it is acute and unsparing in looking at class issues, of which shame has no part. It's as condensed and expressive as poetry.
Finally, autobiographical work by a woman, Bad Blood by Lorna Sage. It is a really fantastic memoir of a very clever and charismatic young woman making the same transition - except she was even more disadvantaged by carelessly getting pregnant at 15. She was brilliant and became Professor of English Literature at the University of East Anglia. Wikipedia calls Bad Blood "a tragic story of childhood disappointment in a family where warped behaviour is passed down the family from generation to generation" except it's not tragic at all, although yeah, there's plenty of warped behaviour happening. The book is lively and written with a keen sense of irony and the ridiculous, and however unfortunate getting pregnant out of ignorance might be, Lorna Sage kept her child, married its father and went on to have a great career and a wonderful reputation.
Here is a BBC podcast about Bad Blood "Exiled in a remote parish on the Welsh borders, Bad Blood tells the tale of a strange upbringing in a haunted postwar Britain. 'I've never read anything which explores, with such biting humour and energy, the way rage and frustrated desire are passed down the family line. I've always felt I have a great memoir in me but I'd have to wait for a lot of people to die before I could write it,' says Grace Dent.
She visits the Shropshire vicarage where Bad Blood is set and talks to Lorna's daughter Sharon and to close friends and colleagues - including the writers Marina Warner and Ali Smith who describe what it was like to live with Lorna. Grace also meets Lorna's ex-husband Victor Sage, who describes how Lorna read constantly, 'She ate and read at the same time, without looking up, I had to get used to that when I married her.'
In the 1960s, Lorna became a Professor of English Literature at the University of East Anglia and established an international reputation as a critic, scholar and teacher with a dedication to women's writing. But she also inspired generations of students who came to UEA to listen to hear her voice."
posted by glasseyes at 7:28 AM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
A Country Boy by Richard Hillyer is a memoir detailing the transition into the middle class through education in 1918; it is acute and unsparing in looking at class issues, of which shame has no part. It's as condensed and expressive as poetry.
Finally, autobiographical work by a woman, Bad Blood by Lorna Sage. It is a really fantastic memoir of a very clever and charismatic young woman making the same transition - except she was even more disadvantaged by carelessly getting pregnant at 15. She was brilliant and became Professor of English Literature at the University of East Anglia. Wikipedia calls Bad Blood "a tragic story of childhood disappointment in a family where warped behaviour is passed down the family from generation to generation" except it's not tragic at all, although yeah, there's plenty of warped behaviour happening. The book is lively and written with a keen sense of irony and the ridiculous, and however unfortunate getting pregnant out of ignorance might be, Lorna Sage kept her child, married its father and went on to have a great career and a wonderful reputation.
Here is a BBC podcast about Bad Blood "Exiled in a remote parish on the Welsh borders, Bad Blood tells the tale of a strange upbringing in a haunted postwar Britain. 'I've never read anything which explores, with such biting humour and energy, the way rage and frustrated desire are passed down the family line. I've always felt I have a great memoir in me but I'd have to wait for a lot of people to die before I could write it,' says Grace Dent.
She visits the Shropshire vicarage where Bad Blood is set and talks to Lorna's daughter Sharon and to close friends and colleagues - including the writers Marina Warner and Ali Smith who describe what it was like to live with Lorna. Grace also meets Lorna's ex-husband Victor Sage, who describes how Lorna read constantly, 'She ate and read at the same time, without looking up, I had to get used to that when I married her.'
In the 1960s, Lorna became a Professor of English Literature at the University of East Anglia and established an international reputation as a critic, scholar and teacher with a dedication to women's writing. But she also inspired generations of students who came to UEA to listen to hear her voice."
posted by glasseyes at 7:28 AM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
Rather than focusing on inspiring role models, your client may be able to find community in other first-generation university students/employees/researchers/academics by searching #firstgen on social media like Twitter. Most of the content is about students, but not all. Some of it leans inspirational, some is frank talk about struggles and class identity clashes, but if your client is an academic employee as you imply in your post it might be a good place to look.
posted by mismatched at 8:17 AM on July 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by mismatched at 8:17 AM on July 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I think they might appreciate This Fine Place So Far from Home: Voices of Academics from the Working Class.
posted by zoetrope at 8:23 AM on July 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by zoetrope at 8:23 AM on July 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
I can relate to this. Jeannette Walls, author of the Glass Castle is an example of someone successful who had a very rough start to life and is very open about her past. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naAy_juIOQk
I was looking at this book the other day, it seems relevant, "Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience": https://www.amazon.com/Supernormal-Untold-Story-Adversity-Resilience/dp/1455559156.
I remember being embarassed that I didn't have normal family vacations or experience with certain foods like lobster or crab and missed the trips to Europe and the other signifiers of upper-middle class-ness that my classmates did like brand name clothes and cars. I had to work through school instead of take trips and volunteer, take on debt anyway, and didn't have much of a back-up plan, it was either stay in school or immediately get a job and pay the debt, no gap years allowed.
What has helped is I've always had friends who didn't judge me because of my background. I also have a friend with a similar background and we have talked about what it's meant for us as female academics in families where we are the only ones and where there's significant dysfunction and poverty at times. We don't have doctors or professors for parents who can talk to us about our areas of research, the frustrations in the process of publishing our work, it is isolating at times to have your loved ones not really get what you're doing. We've had to teach ourselves how to budget and handle money because we never had it. We both feel guilt about our success and that is a huge topic in itself.
As I've gotten older (I'm now 35) I've gotten more comfortable calling people out when they're being ignorant (like a poster above I am comfortable letting them know I exist and that poverty is not a personal failure but more often a systemic issue), and I'm not ashamed of my background anymore, it made me who I am, but I remember when I was younger not knowing how to answer people's questions that were unknowingly hitting my vulnerabilities, questions like "what did your parents do", "where have you traveled", etc.
Working on her narrative and some of the answers to those questions will bolster her confidence.
posted by lafemma at 8:28 AM on July 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
I was looking at this book the other day, it seems relevant, "Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience": https://www.amazon.com/Supernormal-Untold-Story-Adversity-Resilience/dp/1455559156.
I remember being embarassed that I didn't have normal family vacations or experience with certain foods like lobster or crab and missed the trips to Europe and the other signifiers of upper-middle class-ness that my classmates did like brand name clothes and cars. I had to work through school instead of take trips and volunteer, take on debt anyway, and didn't have much of a back-up plan, it was either stay in school or immediately get a job and pay the debt, no gap years allowed.
What has helped is I've always had friends who didn't judge me because of my background. I also have a friend with a similar background and we have talked about what it's meant for us as female academics in families where we are the only ones and where there's significant dysfunction and poverty at times. We don't have doctors or professors for parents who can talk to us about our areas of research, the frustrations in the process of publishing our work, it is isolating at times to have your loved ones not really get what you're doing. We've had to teach ourselves how to budget and handle money because we never had it. We both feel guilt about our success and that is a huge topic in itself.
As I've gotten older (I'm now 35) I've gotten more comfortable calling people out when they're being ignorant (like a poster above I am comfortable letting them know I exist and that poverty is not a personal failure but more often a systemic issue), and I'm not ashamed of my background anymore, it made me who I am, but I remember when I was younger not knowing how to answer people's questions that were unknowingly hitting my vulnerabilities, questions like "what did your parents do", "where have you traveled", etc.
Working on her narrative and some of the answers to those questions will bolster her confidence.
posted by lafemma at 8:28 AM on July 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
I am not in the UK but in a grad seminar I read Landscape for a Good Woman (link is to Raymond Williams' LRB review from 1986, sorry it's paywalled). It's autobiographical, a woman writing about her mother and about herself, as a case study. I need to re-read it, it was great. Not quite a "success story" of class mobility but a careful analysis of class (and self) formation.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 8:47 AM on July 17, 2018
posted by Lawn Beaver at 8:47 AM on July 17, 2018
I struggled with this a bit in grad school. Most of my peers had parents who were doctors or lawyers or engineers or professors etc. And my blue-collar upbringing led to some fairly stark differences in worldview, mindset, and exposure.
One thing that I want to urge caution on is the "self-made success" narrative. It's something that has become a rallying cry for those who seek to destroy social institutions and support networks. And the thing is, it's a total lie. Nobody is self made, period. Some must rely on themselves more than others, and from an earlier age, but in my experience it is not helpful to view class differences through the lens of "I did this myself, you didn't".
Instead, I found value in focusing on how we can learn from each other, and looking at my background as an asset: I could teach these privileged people a lot about the real word, and that's just as important as what they can teach me about expensive hobbies and exotic vacation locales.
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:50 AM on July 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
One thing that I want to urge caution on is the "self-made success" narrative. It's something that has become a rallying cry for those who seek to destroy social institutions and support networks. And the thing is, it's a total lie. Nobody is self made, period. Some must rely on themselves more than others, and from an earlier age, but in my experience it is not helpful to view class differences through the lens of "I did this myself, you didn't".
Instead, I found value in focusing on how we can learn from each other, and looking at my background as an asset: I could teach these privileged people a lot about the real word, and that's just as important as what they can teach me about expensive hobbies and exotic vacation locales.
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:50 AM on July 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: She might find it reassuring to read this Boston Globe article on first-generation college students at Ivies (but not the comments!). She's not alone.
posted by praemunire at 8:55 AM on July 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 8:55 AM on July 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
I happened to visit the elite university I work at now when I was an undergraduate, and I literally could not walk like myself, to the point that the friend I was with noticed how hard I was code-switching and told me to cut it out. I found it hard to believe that I was allowed to breathe the air on the campus and was completely convinced I'd be asked to leave at any moment. And now I take the bus here and go for a wander and totally feel ownership of myself in this space. It is hard. It gets easier. There are more of us than you might expect. You don't have to hide or denigrate your background just because you're in a different place now.
When I was in college, I was able to get into a class called The US Working Class, taught by a professor raised working class and almost entirely populated by working class/working poor kids. It was hugely important to me, both at that moment in my life, and as something that I think on often in the very different place I currently inhabit. So if she's got any space in her schedule, I'd recommend checking the class listings in the sociology department.
Your description also reminded me of a bunch of John Scalzi, an author who grew up poor, and who talks about it now and then on his site (His most famous essay on the topic is probably "Being Poor" and searching that on his site brings up a number of related entries where he talks about his experiences.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:39 AM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
When I was in college, I was able to get into a class called The US Working Class, taught by a professor raised working class and almost entirely populated by working class/working poor kids. It was hugely important to me, both at that moment in my life, and as something that I think on often in the very different place I currently inhabit. So if she's got any space in her schedule, I'd recommend checking the class listings in the sociology department.
Your description also reminded me of a bunch of John Scalzi, an author who grew up poor, and who talks about it now and then on his site (His most famous essay on the topic is probably "Being Poor" and searching that on his site brings up a number of related entries where he talks about his experiences.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:39 AM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
Also came in to rec "This fine place so far from home". First thing I ever read that articulated feeling like you didn't belong in college world and you didn't belong in your growing-up world anymore, either.
posted by nakedmolerats at 9:47 AM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by nakedmolerats at 9:47 AM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Here are two great examples:
Stacy Brown Philpot grew up without much in Detroit and taps into those experiences as the CEO of TaskRabbit.
Toni Morgan was homeless as a youth and several years later crowdfunded her way to Harvard. Here's a great piece by her.
posted by foxjacket at 9:49 AM on July 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
Stacy Brown Philpot grew up without much in Detroit and taps into those experiences as the CEO of TaskRabbit.
Toni Morgan was homeless as a youth and several years later crowdfunded her way to Harvard. Here's a great piece by her.
posted by foxjacket at 9:49 AM on July 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
In a training course for people about to start working with people in poverty, I saw a series of video clips with Dr. Donna Beegle, who grew up in generational poverty and talks about how people who didn’t can build their understanding and empathy with this group. I think there must be a single full-length version of the same talk on Youtube.
posted by lakeroon at 10:31 AM on July 17, 2018
posted by lakeroon at 10:31 AM on July 17, 2018
I found Robin DiAngelo's commencement speech when I graduated from Lewis and Clark last year to be amazing and inspiring. (There's a long intro--her actual speech starts at like 3:15) She was very inclusive and honest and insightful about the lived realities of folks from backgrounds who weren't expected to go to college/grad school--including herself. She focuses on race as well as class, so it's not entirely focused on your question but might still be a powerful resource.
posted by overglow at 11:22 AM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by overglow at 11:22 AM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
She might find some help in the life and works of Wendell Berry? He was born in Kentucky, went on to academic success, went to Europe on a Guggenheim fellowship, taught at NYU for a while, but returned to KY to return to farming and continue his writing career, and much of his work is about the value of agrarian life and community. His writing ethos has been explicitly against the forces in our culture which are making your client feel wounded and diminished.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 11:31 AM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by a fiendish thingy at 11:31 AM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
bell hooks's Where We Stand discusses the experience of having a working-class background but attending university with mostly upper-class classmates.
posted by orangejenny at 4:30 PM on July 17, 2018
posted by orangejenny at 4:30 PM on July 17, 2018
Response by poster: Thank you so much everyone! I really appreciate the suggestions. These stories are so important. It's a really complex issue I think and stories are a good way of processing it.
posted by beccyjoe at 5:51 PM on July 17, 2018
posted by beccyjoe at 5:51 PM on July 17, 2018
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It's not clear if you're working with her as in training her, or as in she's a colleague, or something else, but this question comes off as very condescending, and like you feel that you know more about her identity and how she should feel about it than she does. People are often thoughtlessly cruel about class matters, and there's no reason she needs to subject herself to the way that people will patronize, judge, and condescend to people who are or have been poor. Please don't do this.
posted by mishafletch at 5:13 AM on July 17, 2018 [9 favorites]