Small family: big questions
May 23, 2018 1:55 AM Subscribe
It begins to appear that my dad is not actually immortal. He, my stepmom and my adult daughter are across the country. My dad is possibly in the process of dying. My stepmom is stressed to the uttermost and socially isolated. My daughter is an alcoholic. My adult son and I will be there in a few days for a week and a half. How can we help them?
Dramatis personæ:
Options for my dad and stepmom: We'll go there (we arrive Monday morning) and see what we think. If we think my dad and stepmom would benefit from someone to help them, we can...
Thanks for reading my wall o' text. Thanks for any ideas you can offer.
Dramatis personæ:
- Dad, 81: had prostate cancer, had heart trouble, has leukemia so far resistant to several rounds of treatment, which according to his rapidly falling platelet count is getting worse. Is also losing his memory and his hearing -- but not his marbles, though according to my daughter he is in a bad mood most of the time and makes my stepmom's life pretty difficult. His only money is social security and a lifetime of excellent credit, and will not accept money from me. No relatives living except me and my kids. (My only sibling is dead.)
- Stepmom, 71: has had breast cancer, which may now have come back (unclear). Terrified my dad will die. Afraid to leave my dad alone even to go to the store. No one to talk to but her adult daughter (who's great, but dealing with her own struggles) and sometimes me. Is currently selling her house because she and my dad can't afford to live there anymore.
- Daughter, 25: Smart, beautiful, an angel of joy, except when she is a mean and/or violent drunk. She has had a drinking problem off and on since she dropped out of high school 8 years ago, been in some legal trouble. She used to live with me, but kept hitting me -- so she went to live with my parents on the understanding that she would not drink. She chose to drink, and at my stepmom's request is moving out this week to live with a new friend.
- Son, 26: Smart, beautiful, an angel of joy almost all the time. Lives with me by choice, not necessity -- because we enjoy each other's company, and also partly (I suspect) to help me out. Was a full-time Biology student on the GI Bill, getting straight As, but a former coworker made him an offer he couldn't refuse to join him at a new job. Due to start when we return from visiting the folks. Wants to help.
- Me, 48: Single mother almost from the beginning. Full-time worker at my current company for 5+ years, now making about the median income for my city. No savings, some debt, unknown amount (low tens of thousands?) in a 401K. Want to help.
Options for my dad and stepmom: We'll go there (we arrive Monday morning) and see what we think. If we think my dad and stepmom would benefit from someone to help them, we can...
- I can ask my job if I could work 100% remotely and live with my parents (if they agree) or rent a room nearby. My job could be done that way, but it's a long shot the job would agree to it.
- I can take FMLA (maybe?) at about half my salary. My son would either pay the rent on our apartment himself (he could) or we'd get rid of my stuff/store it and he'd move to a cheaper place.
- I can take an unpaid leave of absence, and cash out my 401K to live on. Not great, but it's on the table.
- My son can quit his new job and go to school while living with my parents or nearby. He thinks that makes more sense than my going there to live, unless my job agreed I could work remotely. I know he would be at least as good a help to my parents as I could be, but I would want to be there myself.
- My dad and stepmom can come out here and live in a bigger place with me and my son, or nearby. My stepmom might be open to this, but my dad has been firmly opposed when I've suggested it thus far. He can't afford the rent (and won't let me help), he doesn't want to live with me, he doesn't like the traffic here, he doesn't want to start over with new doctors. Maybe I could override his wishes if he were unconscious, but not otherwise.
- I've got nothing. Her brother's got nothing. I've tried: helping her financially, providing a place to live, getting her to a psychiatrist, getting her to a therapist, getting her hospitalized because she was a danger to herself (four times), calling the cops on her when she was violent, not calling the cops on her when she was violent and having her pulled off me by her brother, and on and on. My dad and stepmom definitely don't need her in their house now that she's drinking again, so that's good, but -- like anyone not her family is going to put up with her bad behavior? She'll become homeless for sure, I'm thinking. But I don't know what to do about that, or if there's anything anyone can do.
- How will I know when it's time to go be with my dad long-term? What should I look for on this visit? He's going to die for sure, as everyone does, and nothing is more important to me than being there at the end. But when is that? What if I am premature in going out there, have to come back to keep my job, and then he dies? What if I decide the situation is pretty stable for now and don't go out there, and he dies? What if my fucking Dad fucking dies?
- It may make more practical sense for my son to live out there than for me to do so, but (a) what a heavy burden for a young guy and (b) would knowing my parents are being well-taken care of be enough for me, if I'm not doing the caretaking?
- What in Hell are the magic words to get my daughter to stop drinking long enough to save herself from regretting for the rest of her life that she missed out on what may be her grandfather's last days? Just kidding. You don't know either. But it sucks.
- If the situation seems stable for now, and neither I nor my son go out there to live, what can we do short of that? I talk to my dad every week on the phone, and he's good with that, but my poor stepmom! I haven't taken a vacation not to my dad's house in more than ten years, but I can only swing the cost and the vacation time every five or six months.
Thanks for reading my wall o' text. Thanks for any ideas you can offer.
Sweet lord, I'm sorry for all you're going through. What a stressful time.
One thing I don't see here, is just how far apart is everybody? Are we talking about a distance that could possibly be commuted, or are you all in different states?
We heard what your dad doesn't want, but what DOES he want? And what does the step-mom want? Do they have any plan in place? If so, is it at all realistic?
Assuming your dad is open to you living out there, see if your job will let you work remotely and be ready to present your best case for it. Perhaps you and your son could move there together and you could share the work of caring for your dad. (If your son isn't determined to go back to school perhaps he could find a job too and then you'd both be bringing in badly-needed income.) You'll also be closer there to your daughter, I assume. If your son moves out there alone you'll be missing him and your parents, you'll be wishing you could help more directly and he'll have no income while he's in school and caring for your patents... It's really not ideal.
Is hiring a home health care worker an option? (I'll leave it to more informed Mefites to offer advice about that.) That could take some of the stress off your step-mom and allow you to keep working where you are.
Regarding your daughter, she's given you plenty to worry about but try not to worry about bad stuff before it's actually happened. She's moving in with a friend, so she's not homeless. If she screws that up you can worry about it then, but for now you've got enough on your mind. If she's already living close to your dad, one would hope she might be involved somehow in his care. Does she understand the severity of his situation, but she has no desire to be involved?
You don't sound like a codependent basket case to me, you sound like a person who is struggling. The most important thing here is to try and calm down. You'll soon have a few days with them to assess the situation in-person, and time to talk over your options with your family.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:56 AM on May 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
One thing I don't see here, is just how far apart is everybody? Are we talking about a distance that could possibly be commuted, or are you all in different states?
We heard what your dad doesn't want, but what DOES he want? And what does the step-mom want? Do they have any plan in place? If so, is it at all realistic?
Assuming your dad is open to you living out there, see if your job will let you work remotely and be ready to present your best case for it. Perhaps you and your son could move there together and you could share the work of caring for your dad. (If your son isn't determined to go back to school perhaps he could find a job too and then you'd both be bringing in badly-needed income.) You'll also be closer there to your daughter, I assume. If your son moves out there alone you'll be missing him and your parents, you'll be wishing you could help more directly and he'll have no income while he's in school and caring for your patents... It's really not ideal.
Is hiring a home health care worker an option? (I'll leave it to more informed Mefites to offer advice about that.) That could take some of the stress off your step-mom and allow you to keep working where you are.
Regarding your daughter, she's given you plenty to worry about but try not to worry about bad stuff before it's actually happened. She's moving in with a friend, so she's not homeless. If she screws that up you can worry about it then, but for now you've got enough on your mind. If she's already living close to your dad, one would hope she might be involved somehow in his care. Does she understand the severity of his situation, but she has no desire to be involved?
You don't sound like a codependent basket case to me, you sound like a person who is struggling. The most important thing here is to try and calm down. You'll soon have a few days with them to assess the situation in-person, and time to talk over your options with your family.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:56 AM on May 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
I lost both my parents a few years back, and my wife just lost her father. It's a hard process.
It can also be a long one, so try not to act prematurely, especially on things that give up income you may need later.
While you're there, can you talk to his doctor? It sounds like you need some expert info on what he can do for himself, what help he needs now and later, how long he may last.
It sounds like your father is still lucid, so he needs to be part of the decisionmaking process. Find out what he wants or thinks he needs; also what he is not comfortable with. Expect some resistance to ideas that seem reasonable to you.
At some points for my parents, we had a nurse come by once or twice a week. This may give you peace of mind and allow you to monitor his condition from afar. Medicare will, I believe, pay for this if it's on doctor's orders.
posted by zompist at 3:55 AM on May 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
It can also be a long one, so try not to act prematurely, especially on things that give up income you may need later.
While you're there, can you talk to his doctor? It sounds like you need some expert info on what he can do for himself, what help he needs now and later, how long he may last.
It sounds like your father is still lucid, so he needs to be part of the decisionmaking process. Find out what he wants or thinks he needs; also what he is not comfortable with. Expect some resistance to ideas that seem reasonable to you.
At some points for my parents, we had a nurse come by once or twice a week. This may give you peace of mind and allow you to monitor his condition from afar. Medicare will, I believe, pay for this if it's on doctor's orders.
posted by zompist at 3:55 AM on May 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
I would treat this visit as a fact finding mission, and wait to make your decisions until you have more information and have actually seen your dad. Regardless of what you end up deciding, it sounds like you’re going to need some more professional support so I would try to connect with his doctor to see if nursing care is appropriate or whether hospice is on the horizon.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:25 AM on May 23, 2018 [13 favorites]
I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:25 AM on May 23, 2018 [13 favorites]
You and your son are stable and it is wrong wrong wrong for you to blow that up.
Go visit. Go home again. That's it.
See if you can get in-home care for your Dad, some kind of support for your stepmother. Connect them with services where they live.
---
Your daughter is self-medicating and that's not a choice. Psychiatrists can be great, or totally full of garbage, so it's really hard to know what's going on with your daughter. There are a lot of ways to quit drinking and address mental health or physical problems, it's hard to know what to recommend.
----
Your daughter is 25 and has her whole life ahead of her if she can get real healthcare that speaks to whatever trauma or condition(s) she has. Your dad and stepmother sound fine and they are adults who are clear about what they want.
- You are focusing on the wrong patient.
- BTW, don't disrupt your son's life over this, either.
- Visit often, use skype.
- Focus on connecting your daughter with help. I don't know where to start there, but she clearly needs to be your focus as she is without care, she has her whole life ahead of her, and your dad is in process with professionals and he does not want or desperately need your help. Your 25 year old daighter is not in process and desperately needs help.
I hope you can see the difference and figure out what/who your daughter needs to be connected with. The possibilities of what can help her are endless and they exist. She's a young woman self-medicating a condition, how can she get connected with professionals to help her find care beyond alcohol?
posted by jbenben at 5:04 AM on May 23, 2018 [14 favorites]
Go visit. Go home again. That's it.
See if you can get in-home care for your Dad, some kind of support for your stepmother. Connect them with services where they live.
---
Your daughter is self-medicating and that's not a choice. Psychiatrists can be great, or totally full of garbage, so it's really hard to know what's going on with your daughter. There are a lot of ways to quit drinking and address mental health or physical problems, it's hard to know what to recommend.
----
Your daughter is 25 and has her whole life ahead of her if she can get real healthcare that speaks to whatever trauma or condition(s) she has. Your dad and stepmother sound fine and they are adults who are clear about what they want.
- You are focusing on the wrong patient.
- BTW, don't disrupt your son's life over this, either.
- Visit often, use skype.
- Focus on connecting your daughter with help. I don't know where to start there, but she clearly needs to be your focus as she is without care, she has her whole life ahead of her, and your dad is in process with professionals and he does not want or desperately need your help. Your 25 year old daighter is not in process and desperately needs help.
I hope you can see the difference and figure out what/who your daughter needs to be connected with. The possibilities of what can help her are endless and they exist. She's a young woman self-medicating a condition, how can she get connected with professionals to help her find care beyond alcohol?
posted by jbenben at 5:04 AM on May 23, 2018 [14 favorites]
One thing I'm not getting from your question is what your Dad and Stepmom want. When my Dad was dying several states away from me, he would have been furious to know that I had cashed out my retirement savings to live with him while he was going through agony, and it would have made his suffering all the worse. I visited him when he was in hospice, and he was glad to see me (when he was lucid), but I had to go home for work and to be there for my own family, and I did get the phone call a few days later that he had passed. I don't feel like anyone would have been better served if I had been there at the end. My brother was, and while he thinks it was some comfort to my Dad that he was there, it was hard to tell, and it was a pretty upsetting experience to go through for my brother.
Try to talk to them when you are there about what it is they need and want, and to your best to provide that, but I bet your Dad and Stepmom would feel worse if they knew you and your son were sacrificing their future to provide help that they might not want or need. As an example, my Dad expressed a wish to donate his body to a medical school, and I was able to arrange that while I was there and via phone/email once I had gone home. It was a huge relief to both of them to to take that one relatively minor task off their plate.
I wish you peace and strength. Take care.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:10 AM on May 23, 2018 [10 favorites]
Try to talk to them when you are there about what it is they need and want, and to your best to provide that, but I bet your Dad and Stepmom would feel worse if they knew you and your son were sacrificing their future to provide help that they might not want or need. As an example, my Dad expressed a wish to donate his body to a medical school, and I was able to arrange that while I was there and via phone/email once I had gone home. It was a huge relief to both of them to to take that one relatively minor task off their plate.
I wish you peace and strength. Take care.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:10 AM on May 23, 2018 [10 favorites]
You don't sound like a codependent basket case to me
nthing this!
When my father died, seven years ago this March after 6 month in a coma, all the disfunctionality of our family erupted like a volcano after boiling along during his time in the coma. Just saying this to reassure you it is normal for all the latent madness to come out in the face of death.
And you are not at fault. You cannot fix them.
This is something I learned the hard way of trying to please everyone and make them all happy: my mother, my father's second wife (my age argh), my mentally ill brother, my other brother who had stopped speaking to our father several years previously, my father's siblings, my then 2 year old son, my husband, etc etc.
If I had to do this all over again I would try much much more to look out for myself - and yes this is so much easier to write down here than to do. My feeling of guilt towards my father (mostly for somewhat distancing myself due to his second marriage to a woman my age), made me feel like I needed to fix things for him at least now, and I tried to be everything to everyone.
I would say do not make any decision to even for yourself or with your son before you are there and see the situation for yourself. Posters above suggesting nursing or home help are right on. I currently face this situation with my mother, who resisted home care for a very long time, and tried to guilt trip me into moving to nurse her, which I refused (not easy, believe me I know, and I was my own worst enemy there, dropping everything several times when she called to come 2 hours by train and nurse her and clean up vomit, feces etc). Just a few weeks she finally came around, and it really makes a difference. She still needles me about it but when she is rational she acknowledges it is better like this.
Re your daughter - if you can, let it go. When my father was dying / in a coma my and again now with my mother, my mentally ill brother promised all kinds of help etc and actually it made things so much harder - now alcoholism I don't know from first hand experience but I assume the similarity of promises the person makes but cannot keep is there. Let her promise what she likes, but don't rely on her.
Open questions:
How will I know when it's time to go be with my dad long-term? What should I look for on this visit? He's going to die for sure, as everyone does, and nothing is more important to me than being there at the end. But when is that?
I visited my dad once a week for 6 months and daily the 3 weeks before he died. He died in my arms.
The signs in retrospect where there BUT if my uncle (who is a physician and had talked to his doctors and access to medical records) had not told me 3 weeks in advance that now was the time he could literally die any moment (which turned out to be true) I would not have put two and two together. So many details will depend on his illness. The shift from the comatose state to the dying state was very gradual. If you can, build contact with his doctor - while they may not be allowed or able to tell you anything, they can say stuff like: you may wish to visit this weekend. Without further explanation.
With my mother now, it is helpful to have the nurses come daily, as they also are not really allowed to say but we have our own little "code" and as I got to know the nurses I can hear the nuances in their voice.
In addition we now have paperwork in place which gives me the legal right to inquire with my mother's physician and be told, this will depend on your local jurisdction - research the steps and talk to him about it while he is still lucid.
As for how will you know when to be there - my father died exactly during the one hour that day that his second wife (who wanted nothing more than that he dies in her arms) was gone out to meet the lawyer. I have since heard of several peole who passed away when the person they were closest to is out of the room.
In contrast, my mother told me several times she was on the verge of dying and is still going, despite multiple and severe health issues and live threatening emergencies.
What if I am premature in going out there, have to come back to keep my job, and then he dies? What if I decide the situation is pretty stable for now and don't go out there, and he dies? What if my fucking Dad fucking dies?
I hear you. My heqart goes out to you and if an internet stranger can offer any consolation please accept my throughts of comfort. There is literally no guarantee anyone can give you. That my father died in my arms was a gift by the universe but not planned and could not have been planned.
When your dad dies, be kind to yourself. Try not to comfort others, unless it helps you process. I spent the first 24 hours after his death tryin got comfort others, inform relatives, the second wife, etc, and it burned me out badly. Later (like months later) I found my own ways to grieve. Going places he loved, doing things he would have loved, without telling anyone.
It may make more practical sense for my son to live out there than for me to do so, but (a) what a heavy burden for a young guy and (b) would knowing my parents are being well-taken care of be enough for me, if I'm not doing the caretaking?
Here the good old metafilter staple adivce applies: go see a counselor or therapist. Anyone to talk abou this feeling that you are the only one. Please accept this from someone who throught of herself as the only one: you cannot do it all. Even if you move there and look after him 24/7, which is physcially and mentally impossible, you will feel it is not enough. It is a mind set uninfluenced by facts.
What in Hell are the magic words to get my daughter to stop drinking long enough to save herself from regretting for the rest of her life that she missed out on what may be her grandfather's last days? Just kidding. You don't know either. But it sucks.
I feel you. All I can say is don't do what I tried, to help my mentally ill brother manage his time to say good bye. Mental illness is not alcoholism I know but the ability to manage their time etc will be similar. Her regrets are hers. It sucks. you will have enough regrets of your own to add hers to yours. I let myself be drawn into his maelstrom and honestly, the only result was that he accused me of engineering it so he would miss saying goodbye. I suppose it is needless to say I did not engineer this.
If the situation seems stable for now, and neither I nor my son go out there to live, what can we do short of that? I talk to my dad every week on the phone, and he's good with that, but my poor stepmom! I haven't taken a vacation not to my dad's house in more than ten years, but I can only swing the cost and the vacation time every five or six months.
See if you can get home help, and as health deteriorates, his and maybe hers, nursing care. This can be a bureaucratic nightmare, and a financial sink hole, but I think if you have time to investiate options now and don't leave it late until inevitable it is more manageable, I see that now with my mother vs the situation with my father when I let myself be driven by others and needs.
It made me angry everytime someone suggested getting help in the past. All I could see was that it costs money oneone in the family has, and how well or not strangers would look after my mothers ets. However I found that virtually all the providers I spoke to before making an arrangement were well used to distraught and confused relatives. I addition get the info was good to compare offers and calculate costs and see what we can afford and how to get somethign from insurance, which is difficult and lengthy in the country I live but I found that there were in fact options we can afford.
Another thing you can do if you can stomach it, is to ask him how and where he wants to be buried. I may feel callous, but it was so akward when my father died - no one knew, and it was a big burden on his second wife. And while I really dislike her, I can see in retrospect that she was overwhelmed with these decsions.
So it sounds like you have a good relationsship with your step mom, perhaps this is something you can do to support her: talk to your father about funeral arrangements.
Whatever you do, look out for your self. You cannot help anyone if you burn yourself out, as I found out.
posted by 15L06 at 5:47 AM on May 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
nthing this!
When my father died, seven years ago this March after 6 month in a coma, all the disfunctionality of our family erupted like a volcano after boiling along during his time in the coma. Just saying this to reassure you it is normal for all the latent madness to come out in the face of death.
And you are not at fault. You cannot fix them.
This is something I learned the hard way of trying to please everyone and make them all happy: my mother, my father's second wife (my age argh), my mentally ill brother, my other brother who had stopped speaking to our father several years previously, my father's siblings, my then 2 year old son, my husband, etc etc.
If I had to do this all over again I would try much much more to look out for myself - and yes this is so much easier to write down here than to do. My feeling of guilt towards my father (mostly for somewhat distancing myself due to his second marriage to a woman my age), made me feel like I needed to fix things for him at least now, and I tried to be everything to everyone.
I would say do not make any decision to even for yourself or with your son before you are there and see the situation for yourself. Posters above suggesting nursing or home help are right on. I currently face this situation with my mother, who resisted home care for a very long time, and tried to guilt trip me into moving to nurse her, which I refused (not easy, believe me I know, and I was my own worst enemy there, dropping everything several times when she called to come 2 hours by train and nurse her and clean up vomit, feces etc). Just a few weeks she finally came around, and it really makes a difference. She still needles me about it but when she is rational she acknowledges it is better like this.
Re your daughter - if you can, let it go. When my father was dying / in a coma my and again now with my mother, my mentally ill brother promised all kinds of help etc and actually it made things so much harder - now alcoholism I don't know from first hand experience but I assume the similarity of promises the person makes but cannot keep is there. Let her promise what she likes, but don't rely on her.
Open questions:
How will I know when it's time to go be with my dad long-term? What should I look for on this visit? He's going to die for sure, as everyone does, and nothing is more important to me than being there at the end. But when is that?
I visited my dad once a week for 6 months and daily the 3 weeks before he died. He died in my arms.
The signs in retrospect where there BUT if my uncle (who is a physician and had talked to his doctors and access to medical records) had not told me 3 weeks in advance that now was the time he could literally die any moment (which turned out to be true) I would not have put two and two together. So many details will depend on his illness. The shift from the comatose state to the dying state was very gradual. If you can, build contact with his doctor - while they may not be allowed or able to tell you anything, they can say stuff like: you may wish to visit this weekend. Without further explanation.
With my mother now, it is helpful to have the nurses come daily, as they also are not really allowed to say but we have our own little "code" and as I got to know the nurses I can hear the nuances in their voice.
In addition we now have paperwork in place which gives me the legal right to inquire with my mother's physician and be told, this will depend on your local jurisdction - research the steps and talk to him about it while he is still lucid.
As for how will you know when to be there - my father died exactly during the one hour that day that his second wife (who wanted nothing more than that he dies in her arms) was gone out to meet the lawyer. I have since heard of several peole who passed away when the person they were closest to is out of the room.
In contrast, my mother told me several times she was on the verge of dying and is still going, despite multiple and severe health issues and live threatening emergencies.
What if I am premature in going out there, have to come back to keep my job, and then he dies? What if I decide the situation is pretty stable for now and don't go out there, and he dies? What if my fucking Dad fucking dies?
I hear you. My heqart goes out to you and if an internet stranger can offer any consolation please accept my throughts of comfort. There is literally no guarantee anyone can give you. That my father died in my arms was a gift by the universe but not planned and could not have been planned.
When your dad dies, be kind to yourself. Try not to comfort others, unless it helps you process. I spent the first 24 hours after his death tryin got comfort others, inform relatives, the second wife, etc, and it burned me out badly. Later (like months later) I found my own ways to grieve. Going places he loved, doing things he would have loved, without telling anyone.
It may make more practical sense for my son to live out there than for me to do so, but (a) what a heavy burden for a young guy and (b) would knowing my parents are being well-taken care of be enough for me, if I'm not doing the caretaking?
Here the good old metafilter staple adivce applies: go see a counselor or therapist. Anyone to talk abou this feeling that you are the only one. Please accept this from someone who throught of herself as the only one: you cannot do it all. Even if you move there and look after him 24/7, which is physcially and mentally impossible, you will feel it is not enough. It is a mind set uninfluenced by facts.
What in Hell are the magic words to get my daughter to stop drinking long enough to save herself from regretting for the rest of her life that she missed out on what may be her grandfather's last days? Just kidding. You don't know either. But it sucks.
I feel you. All I can say is don't do what I tried, to help my mentally ill brother manage his time to say good bye. Mental illness is not alcoholism I know but the ability to manage their time etc will be similar. Her regrets are hers. It sucks. you will have enough regrets of your own to add hers to yours. I let myself be drawn into his maelstrom and honestly, the only result was that he accused me of engineering it so he would miss saying goodbye. I suppose it is needless to say I did not engineer this.
If the situation seems stable for now, and neither I nor my son go out there to live, what can we do short of that? I talk to my dad every week on the phone, and he's good with that, but my poor stepmom! I haven't taken a vacation not to my dad's house in more than ten years, but I can only swing the cost and the vacation time every five or six months.
See if you can get home help, and as health deteriorates, his and maybe hers, nursing care. This can be a bureaucratic nightmare, and a financial sink hole, but I think if you have time to investiate options now and don't leave it late until inevitable it is more manageable, I see that now with my mother vs the situation with my father when I let myself be driven by others and needs.
It made me angry everytime someone suggested getting help in the past. All I could see was that it costs money oneone in the family has, and how well or not strangers would look after my mothers ets. However I found that virtually all the providers I spoke to before making an arrangement were well used to distraught and confused relatives. I addition get the info was good to compare offers and calculate costs and see what we can afford and how to get somethign from insurance, which is difficult and lengthy in the country I live but I found that there were in fact options we can afford.
Another thing you can do if you can stomach it, is to ask him how and where he wants to be buried. I may feel callous, but it was so akward when my father died - no one knew, and it was a big burden on his second wife. And while I really dislike her, I can see in retrospect that she was overwhelmed with these decsions.
So it sounds like you have a good relationsship with your step mom, perhaps this is something you can do to support her: talk to your father about funeral arrangements.
Whatever you do, look out for your self. You cannot help anyone if you burn yourself out, as I found out.
posted by 15L06 at 5:47 AM on May 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
Would you be able to work remotely half the time? It might be easier for a boss to accept than being away 100% of the time. You would still have the struggle of not knowing when is the right time to be there vs being home, but perhaps knowing that you see your dad 4 days a week regularly will help you cope with that.
If your dad won't accept money directly, can you send gift cards for grocery stores to his wife? Who takes care of their finances? If he is not the one to keep track of bills, can you offer his wife to pay their utilities bill, or make monthly payments towards medical bills? Add them to your cell phone plan? Or some other contribution that is less obvious than sending him a check?
Try not to cash out your retirement savings, otherwise when you retire your son is going to be writing a panicked question here about how to care for his mother who doesn't have retirement savings.
Also, if your son's job is one that's important to his career then he should probably not quit his job. That's a lot to put on a 25 year old.
Sorry I don't have other advice, but looking at the situation from far away it feels like you need to make sure that you guys are not going to be financially ruined by the situation.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 6:28 AM on May 23, 2018
If your dad won't accept money directly, can you send gift cards for grocery stores to his wife? Who takes care of their finances? If he is not the one to keep track of bills, can you offer his wife to pay their utilities bill, or make monthly payments towards medical bills? Add them to your cell phone plan? Or some other contribution that is less obvious than sending him a check?
Try not to cash out your retirement savings, otherwise when you retire your son is going to be writing a panicked question here about how to care for his mother who doesn't have retirement savings.
Also, if your son's job is one that's important to his career then he should probably not quit his job. That's a lot to put on a 25 year old.
Sorry I don't have other advice, but looking at the situation from far away it feels like you need to make sure that you guys are not going to be financially ruined by the situation.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 6:28 AM on May 23, 2018
I think it would be a good idea to do a visit now and set up a consult with a Hospice company. They offer so much help these days, much more than what people think of as only the last week or two of life care. They can be a huge resource for families trying to plan and make the most of life for everyone involved. I am very sorry you are going through this.
posted by maxg94 at 6:32 AM on May 23, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by maxg94 at 6:32 AM on May 23, 2018 [8 favorites]
Howdy, OP. This is a brave and complex question you have posted. First, I am so sorry that you find yourself far from your father when he is so ill.
Second, I am going to recommend that whatever else you do, please consider sampling some Al-Anon meetings (in-person is ideal, but there are also phone meetings). While Al-Anon was founded to help the friends and families of alcoholics, I can tell you that many people also find it useful for dealing with other types of addicts and/or people with mental illness.
(Lots of people decide that Al-Anon will never work for them because they are not religious and there is lots of god-talk in various readings. I am resolutely non-religious and non-spiritual and yet, by holding my nose about the god stuff, I have been able to grow by learning things from Al-Anon that therapists simply did not offer me. I needed the therapy, too. But Al-Anon was by far the most helpful tool in learning to cope with my own beloved relative's mental illness and substance abuse.)
Together we came up with some options, but there are flaws and also unknowns, and I would like to know what you think.
As someone notes above, you don't know what your dad and his wife want yet. If you take your dad's autonomy and opinion seriously, then you need to figure out what he wants.
But if you take the quality of your own life and that of your son (which I think is important), then you also need to spend time deciding what kind of support you can offer your family that is sustainable. Destroying your own situation and/or that of your son to offer help that your dad may not want or agree is needed would be a double tragedy.
That is why I agree with another poster that this trip should be a fact-finding mission. Just walking away from the largely stable but not entirely solid life you have with your son may be a huge mistake. It is fine to do that, but only with thoughtful deliberation, research, and consultation to figure out what your dad and his wife say they want, what local resources are available, etc.
I know you love and want the best for your dad. My dad is in the US getting weekly (and more as needed) visits from a hospice nurse and social worker. He has been getting hospice care for 2.5 years. I visit him twice a year for two weeks (I live far away). I call him every other day. I get email reports from his nurse and texts from his neighbour. I do the best I can, in other words.
...nothing is more important to me than being there at the end. But when is that? What if I am premature in going out there, have to come back to keep my job, and then he dies? What if I decide the situation is pretty stable for now and don't go out there, and he dies? What if my fucking Dad fucking dies?
I am so sorry, but your dad will die eventually. Which is sad and hard and a terrible fact of life. I hope you are there when your dad dies. But what if you can't be? Just as an experiment, perhaps consider if it is really true that nothing is more important to you than being there at the end? Don't you get any credit for the other things you have done with him and for him? Because you necessarily have control over getting to be there when he dies.
Apologies if this is a bad example, but you know how sometimes women end up having a cesarean instead of a vaginal birth? Some of those women are ashamed of that and feel like failed women or failed mothers and are unable to appreciate this amazing life they just brought into the world. That is not their fault, it is a thing that happens. I think sometimes similar things happen with how individuals deal with the illness and deaths of people we love. Sometimes our expectations for what we can do are just too high.
We aren't taught much about how to deal with impending death or death itself. I have at least asked my dad, gently, about things like burial (he shocked me by saying he wanted to be cremated, and then shocked me again by asking if he was allowed to be cremated without clothes on. It has something to do with his religious beliefs). There happens to be a book called Good to Go: The ABCs of Death and Dying by Jo Myers. It has some good, practical advice but is fairly dated; you may be able to find something more recent and helpful.
Oh my dear, this sounds very hard. Please be kind and gentle and forgiving of yourself as well as your family members.
posted by Bella Donna at 7:36 AM on May 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
Second, I am going to recommend that whatever else you do, please consider sampling some Al-Anon meetings (in-person is ideal, but there are also phone meetings). While Al-Anon was founded to help the friends and families of alcoholics, I can tell you that many people also find it useful for dealing with other types of addicts and/or people with mental illness.
(Lots of people decide that Al-Anon will never work for them because they are not religious and there is lots of god-talk in various readings. I am resolutely non-religious and non-spiritual and yet, by holding my nose about the god stuff, I have been able to grow by learning things from Al-Anon that therapists simply did not offer me. I needed the therapy, too. But Al-Anon was by far the most helpful tool in learning to cope with my own beloved relative's mental illness and substance abuse.)
Together we came up with some options, but there are flaws and also unknowns, and I would like to know what you think.
As someone notes above, you don't know what your dad and his wife want yet. If you take your dad's autonomy and opinion seriously, then you need to figure out what he wants.
But if you take the quality of your own life and that of your son (which I think is important), then you also need to spend time deciding what kind of support you can offer your family that is sustainable. Destroying your own situation and/or that of your son to offer help that your dad may not want or agree is needed would be a double tragedy.
That is why I agree with another poster that this trip should be a fact-finding mission. Just walking away from the largely stable but not entirely solid life you have with your son may be a huge mistake. It is fine to do that, but only with thoughtful deliberation, research, and consultation to figure out what your dad and his wife say they want, what local resources are available, etc.
I know you love and want the best for your dad. My dad is in the US getting weekly (and more as needed) visits from a hospice nurse and social worker. He has been getting hospice care for 2.5 years. I visit him twice a year for two weeks (I live far away). I call him every other day. I get email reports from his nurse and texts from his neighbour. I do the best I can, in other words.
...nothing is more important to me than being there at the end. But when is that? What if I am premature in going out there, have to come back to keep my job, and then he dies? What if I decide the situation is pretty stable for now and don't go out there, and he dies? What if my fucking Dad fucking dies?
I am so sorry, but your dad will die eventually. Which is sad and hard and a terrible fact of life. I hope you are there when your dad dies. But what if you can't be? Just as an experiment, perhaps consider if it is really true that nothing is more important to you than being there at the end? Don't you get any credit for the other things you have done with him and for him? Because you necessarily have control over getting to be there when he dies.
Apologies if this is a bad example, but you know how sometimes women end up having a cesarean instead of a vaginal birth? Some of those women are ashamed of that and feel like failed women or failed mothers and are unable to appreciate this amazing life they just brought into the world. That is not their fault, it is a thing that happens. I think sometimes similar things happen with how individuals deal with the illness and deaths of people we love. Sometimes our expectations for what we can do are just too high.
We aren't taught much about how to deal with impending death or death itself. I have at least asked my dad, gently, about things like burial (he shocked me by saying he wanted to be cremated, and then shocked me again by asking if he was allowed to be cremated without clothes on. It has something to do with his religious beliefs). There happens to be a book called Good to Go: The ABCs of Death and Dying by Jo Myers. It has some good, practical advice but is fairly dated; you may be able to find something more recent and helpful.
Oh my dear, this sounds very hard. Please be kind and gentle and forgiving of yourself as well as your family members.
posted by Bella Donna at 7:36 AM on May 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
Yes, talk to the professionals as soon as possible. They won't give you a time frame, but some of the things you are considering may not even need to be on the table. Also, when you see your father, he may make more of his preferences known. (I went to see my father a few months before he died, and he said he'd rather spend time with family right then than having everyone rush to his deathbed.) Your stepmother may also have preferences about how much time you spend there. It could be that letting her completely off responsibilities for a week or so at a time would be more welcome than something longer term.
posted by BibiRose at 7:38 AM on May 23, 2018
posted by BibiRose at 7:38 AM on May 23, 2018
Like they say when you're waiting on the runway, "Put on your own mask before assisting those around you." Don't make yourself a sacrifice (money, sanity, job, whatever) in an effort to honor your dad, because he probably wouldn't want that, and also because your life will go on after this and you need to be there to live it!
Hospice nurses come from companies who have other specialists on staff who can help you. They are freakin' angels. They can help you organize stuff. They will need info about your dad's doctors & care, so this visit will be a chance to spend a little time with your dad and also meet his team.
Go there, be with him, meet the doctors, maybe figure out a way to stay in touch that accommodates his hearing troubles (e.g., iPad + email + large type so he can at least read your notes if not write his own replies). Then come home, organize your thoughts, plan your involvement.
I am so sorry you're going through this: it's really hard. We buried my FiL a year ago yesterday, and the grieving has a lot more time to run. But you will be OK, and every effort you make matters because you're doing your best. Hang in there.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:19 AM on May 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
Hospice nurses come from companies who have other specialists on staff who can help you. They are freakin' angels. They can help you organize stuff. They will need info about your dad's doctors & care, so this visit will be a chance to spend a little time with your dad and also meet his team.
Go there, be with him, meet the doctors, maybe figure out a way to stay in touch that accommodates his hearing troubles (e.g., iPad + email + large type so he can at least read your notes if not write his own replies). Then come home, organize your thoughts, plan your involvement.
I am so sorry you're going through this: it's really hard. We buried my FiL a year ago yesterday, and the grieving has a lot more time to run. But you will be OK, and every effort you make matters because you're doing your best. Hang in there.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:19 AM on May 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
Just wanted to be clear that you do not need to be at someone's bedside at the moment that they die for you to have been a good daughter for them. I have been there for three out of the four people who were close me and I can tell you that in all three cases, they were not aware of my presence - they just went from sleeping with very slow breaths to not breathing. I'm glad I was there but it wasn't anywhere near as important as the larger relationship that i had with them. Let your dad know that you love him, spend time with him as you can and help out from a distance as you are able. And then forgive yourself for being a human with limited capacity and limited resources in this world.
posted by metahawk at 9:23 AM on May 23, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 9:23 AM on May 23, 2018 [8 favorites]
Hospice resources are wonderful in most parts of the US these days. Your dad doesn't have go into a hospice facility - they will come to his house and provide care. You can regular visits from a nurse (so he doesn't have to go to the clinic), prescriptions for pain medication, advice on how to make home life easier and support from a social worker who can help the family get their head around what needs to be done and what resources are available. There is also respite care so your stepmom doesn't have to leave Dad home alone when she goes shopping. All of this is usually covered by health insurance and free for the family. Ask his primary doctor about this.
posted by metahawk at 9:27 AM on May 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 9:27 AM on May 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
Ask your Dad if you can talk to his doctor to get the whole picture when you're there. See if any help is needed with getting billing and payments sorted; this can be a huge headache. No matter what happens, it will cost money; flights across the country, and time off work. Give your employer a heads up that you will be needing time off; this gives them the chance to offer any remote work options.
Hospice. Non-profit if possible.
Ask your Dad what he wants. When I asked my brother what he wanted, he asked that we all come for Christmas, which was imminent. He loved having everyone there, died days later.
posted by theora55 at 10:44 AM on May 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
Hospice. Non-profit if possible.
Ask your Dad what he wants. When I asked my brother what he wanted, he asked that we all come for Christmas, which was imminent. He loved having everyone there, died days later.
posted by theora55 at 10:44 AM on May 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
Oh, there is so much here to unpack. You've got a lot of good emotional/personal advice above. I'm going to talk about some of the bureaucracy.
1. Do your father & his wife have any paperwork in place like an Advanced Directive or Medical Power of Attorney? If not, I highly recommend you sit down with them and fill one out to the best of your ability. This website provides a lot of helpful resources for that. The point of this is: it will allow you and your stepmother to make decisions on your father's behalf when he is no longer able to make them. It will also help you know what he wants, and prove it to medical staff. Talking about these issues is difficult, but do what you can and get the thing signed. Even if he refuses to be clear about where to draw the line, you really need a medical power of attorney. Then scan it and keep a copy on your phone.
2. Do your father & his wife have a will, or trust, or Power of Attorney for financial/property decisions? Again, I highly recommend you implement one of those while your father is still competent to do so. As there is no other family, this shouldn't be too difficult (assuming your father hasn't become too paranoid to sign the paperwork, which sadly sometimes happens).
3. While you're visiting, see if you can get your father to document his financial situation with you (since it sounds like your stepmother may not be able to handle this on her own when he passes). What accounts does he have, how does he pay his bills, where does he keep his email password, etc. I ended up managing everything for my father during the last few years of his life, but that may not be necessary for you, depending on how his illness progresses.
4. If you can convince him to go along with this, have your father request a form (I think it's a HIPAA waiver) from his doctors (at least his GP and the specialist he sees most frequently) that will allow you to share information with his doctors and allow them to talk to you about his condition. If you can, go to the doctor with him: he is probably already forgetting some of what the doctor tells him during an appointment. Someone needs to accompany him to all his doctor's visits and follow up appropriately. Upthread a few people mentioned hospice: this is something you will want to mention with your father's doctor, as IME physicians are often reluctant to bring it up, for a variety of reasons. Hospice can be a great relief, and I recommend you consider it seriously if you have medical support for that decision.
5. Compile all the information you might need to manage his medical and personal affairs: SSN, Medicare and insurance information, doctor's names & numbers, life insurance, bank account, DOB, etc etc. Keep it in a secure location.
I think all of this information will be helpful in deciding what you want to do next.
A few resources I will recommend for you:
Atul Gawande's Being Mortal, which is moving and thoughtful and very good at making you think about the process of aging and dying in the US. I would recommend anyone with aging or ill relatives/family read it.
When Someone Dies, by Scott Taylor Smith, a very useful and practical guide for handling the aftermath.
Best of luck to you and your family. This is very hard.
posted by suelac at 11:01 AM on May 23, 2018 [8 favorites]
1. Do your father & his wife have any paperwork in place like an Advanced Directive or Medical Power of Attorney? If not, I highly recommend you sit down with them and fill one out to the best of your ability. This website provides a lot of helpful resources for that. The point of this is: it will allow you and your stepmother to make decisions on your father's behalf when he is no longer able to make them. It will also help you know what he wants, and prove it to medical staff. Talking about these issues is difficult, but do what you can and get the thing signed. Even if he refuses to be clear about where to draw the line, you really need a medical power of attorney. Then scan it and keep a copy on your phone.
2. Do your father & his wife have a will, or trust, or Power of Attorney for financial/property decisions? Again, I highly recommend you implement one of those while your father is still competent to do so. As there is no other family, this shouldn't be too difficult (assuming your father hasn't become too paranoid to sign the paperwork, which sadly sometimes happens).
3. While you're visiting, see if you can get your father to document his financial situation with you (since it sounds like your stepmother may not be able to handle this on her own when he passes). What accounts does he have, how does he pay his bills, where does he keep his email password, etc. I ended up managing everything for my father during the last few years of his life, but that may not be necessary for you, depending on how his illness progresses.
4. If you can convince him to go along with this, have your father request a form (I think it's a HIPAA waiver) from his doctors (at least his GP and the specialist he sees most frequently) that will allow you to share information with his doctors and allow them to talk to you about his condition. If you can, go to the doctor with him: he is probably already forgetting some of what the doctor tells him during an appointment. Someone needs to accompany him to all his doctor's visits and follow up appropriately. Upthread a few people mentioned hospice: this is something you will want to mention with your father's doctor, as IME physicians are often reluctant to bring it up, for a variety of reasons. Hospice can be a great relief, and I recommend you consider it seriously if you have medical support for that decision.
5. Compile all the information you might need to manage his medical and personal affairs: SSN, Medicare and insurance information, doctor's names & numbers, life insurance, bank account, DOB, etc etc. Keep it in a secure location.
I think all of this information will be helpful in deciding what you want to do next.
A few resources I will recommend for you:
Atul Gawande's Being Mortal, which is moving and thoughtful and very good at making you think about the process of aging and dying in the US. I would recommend anyone with aging or ill relatives/family read it.
When Someone Dies, by Scott Taylor Smith, a very useful and practical guide for handling the aftermath.
Best of luck to you and your family. This is very hard.
posted by suelac at 11:01 AM on May 23, 2018 [8 favorites]
I went through something similar with my mom a few years ago.
How will I know when it's time to go be with my dad long-term? What should I look for on this visit? He's going to die for sure, as everyone does, and nothing is more important to me than being there at the end. But when is that? What if I am premature in going out there, have to come back to keep my job, and then he dies? What if I decide the situation is pretty stable for now and don't go out there, and he dies? What if my fucking Dad fucking dies?
Whatever decision you make regarding staying, leaving, moving, or not moving there is no wrong decision. In my case there was no one else in the home but my mom and my younger brothers and her diagnosis didn't give her long (less than a year). I decided that she was going to need help in her last year and that I wanted to be the one to provide some of it, partly because I thought I could, and partly because I just missed my family after being away for so long. I don't do guilt or obligation when it comes to family and I think the thing that helped me the most when things got bad was that I had made the decision and it was mine alone and there was no one else to blame if things sucked.
I visited for a week before I made the decision to move back in and I think the things I would look for are:
-How is your stepmom (who from reading seems to be the only other person in the house with your dad) is coping with the day-to-day. You say she is afraid to leave the house, but does she leave anyway and take care of things that need to be done?
-How much does your dad do to support the household? If he was unable to do any of those things would the household be able to function without him?
-What kind of state is the house in?
-Talk to them and ask them what they want.
Depending on the answers to those questions I think you could reasonably say whether or not they need someone in the house to help them. The next question is do you need to be that person (or one of those people)? I definitely recommend looking into in-home hospice care. I would not have made it through my mom's death without it. I also wouldn't have made it near the end without the support of my mom's large group of siblings and friends who all helped out. Especially my little cousin who took on the thankless job of giving my mom her daily morphine suppositories, which is not a task I could bring myself to do.
Even if the answer to "do I need to be here?" is no, you may still want to be there. If the answer to either of those is yes, then you need to ask yourself what you're willing to risk to stay there. I made the decision that I was staying to the end (and beyond because I had a sibling in high school to take care of afterward). I had a job that let me transfer to another location nearby, but I actually ended up quitting that job, ending a 6 year "career". You may want to stay as long as possible but still keep your job and that's okay too. I didn't really like my job that much to start.
It may make more practical sense for my son to live out there than for me to do so, but (a) what a heavy burden for a young guy and (b) would knowing my parents are being well-taken care of be enough for me, if I'm not doing the caretaking?
I was 31 when I moved back in and took over the day-to-day stuff. It is tough and I'm not sure 26 year old me would have been up to it, but you know your son best. He is an adult though and if he wants to do it I think you should let him. It's also not an either/or proposition. You could also move back first, or later on in the process if you're able to.
What in Hell are the magic words to get my daughter to stop drinking long enough to save herself from regretting for the rest of her life that she missed out on what may be her grandfather's last days? Just kidding. You don't know either. But it sucks.
The middle brother in my family, who was living at home again, with no job, was like your daughter in some ways. He drank too much and would wake me up partying with his friends at 2am when I had get up at 6am to go work to pay the bills. He was also constantly in trouble with the law and occasionally violent. I ended up having to kick him out of the house (which is something that's already going on with your daughter) because my mom just couldn't bring herself to do it. I felt guilty about it, but he ended up coming back closer to the end to be with the whole family.
If the situation seems stable for now, and neither I nor my son go out there to live, what can we do short of that? I talk to my dad every week on the phone, and he's good with that, but my poor stepmom! I haven't taken a vacation not to my dad's house in more than ten years, but I can only swing the cost and the vacation time every five or six months.
Ask your stepmom what she needs. It might seem like a little thing, but can you hire people to do stuff around the house: house cleaners, landscaper/lawnmowers, food delivery services, laundry services, etc. If you can afford some of these things I find they're extremely helpful, especially the cleaners.
----
The stuff that comes later: the funeral, the will, the estate, selling the house, etc. were such a shitshow in my case that I have no advice other than that whenever you can get someone else to handle that stuff for you, do it. I was the executor of the estate and to this day, over six years later, I am still dealing with that headache.
----
I wanted to end with something positive and all I've got is: you'll get through this.
posted by runcibleshaw at 12:47 PM on May 23, 2018 [6 favorites]
How will I know when it's time to go be with my dad long-term? What should I look for on this visit? He's going to die for sure, as everyone does, and nothing is more important to me than being there at the end. But when is that? What if I am premature in going out there, have to come back to keep my job, and then he dies? What if I decide the situation is pretty stable for now and don't go out there, and he dies? What if my fucking Dad fucking dies?
Whatever decision you make regarding staying, leaving, moving, or not moving there is no wrong decision. In my case there was no one else in the home but my mom and my younger brothers and her diagnosis didn't give her long (less than a year). I decided that she was going to need help in her last year and that I wanted to be the one to provide some of it, partly because I thought I could, and partly because I just missed my family after being away for so long. I don't do guilt or obligation when it comes to family and I think the thing that helped me the most when things got bad was that I had made the decision and it was mine alone and there was no one else to blame if things sucked.
I visited for a week before I made the decision to move back in and I think the things I would look for are:
-How is your stepmom (who from reading seems to be the only other person in the house with your dad) is coping with the day-to-day. You say she is afraid to leave the house, but does she leave anyway and take care of things that need to be done?
-How much does your dad do to support the household? If he was unable to do any of those things would the household be able to function without him?
-What kind of state is the house in?
-Talk to them and ask them what they want.
Depending on the answers to those questions I think you could reasonably say whether or not they need someone in the house to help them. The next question is do you need to be that person (or one of those people)? I definitely recommend looking into in-home hospice care. I would not have made it through my mom's death without it. I also wouldn't have made it near the end without the support of my mom's large group of siblings and friends who all helped out. Especially my little cousin who took on the thankless job of giving my mom her daily morphine suppositories, which is not a task I could bring myself to do.
Even if the answer to "do I need to be here?" is no, you may still want to be there. If the answer to either of those is yes, then you need to ask yourself what you're willing to risk to stay there. I made the decision that I was staying to the end (and beyond because I had a sibling in high school to take care of afterward). I had a job that let me transfer to another location nearby, but I actually ended up quitting that job, ending a 6 year "career". You may want to stay as long as possible but still keep your job and that's okay too. I didn't really like my job that much to start.
It may make more practical sense for my son to live out there than for me to do so, but (a) what a heavy burden for a young guy and (b) would knowing my parents are being well-taken care of be enough for me, if I'm not doing the caretaking?
I was 31 when I moved back in and took over the day-to-day stuff. It is tough and I'm not sure 26 year old me would have been up to it, but you know your son best. He is an adult though and if he wants to do it I think you should let him. It's also not an either/or proposition. You could also move back first, or later on in the process if you're able to.
What in Hell are the magic words to get my daughter to stop drinking long enough to save herself from regretting for the rest of her life that she missed out on what may be her grandfather's last days? Just kidding. You don't know either. But it sucks.
The middle brother in my family, who was living at home again, with no job, was like your daughter in some ways. He drank too much and would wake me up partying with his friends at 2am when I had get up at 6am to go work to pay the bills. He was also constantly in trouble with the law and occasionally violent. I ended up having to kick him out of the house (which is something that's already going on with your daughter) because my mom just couldn't bring herself to do it. I felt guilty about it, but he ended up coming back closer to the end to be with the whole family.
If the situation seems stable for now, and neither I nor my son go out there to live, what can we do short of that? I talk to my dad every week on the phone, and he's good with that, but my poor stepmom! I haven't taken a vacation not to my dad's house in more than ten years, but I can only swing the cost and the vacation time every five or six months.
Ask your stepmom what she needs. It might seem like a little thing, but can you hire people to do stuff around the house: house cleaners, landscaper/lawnmowers, food delivery services, laundry services, etc. If you can afford some of these things I find they're extremely helpful, especially the cleaners.
----
The stuff that comes later: the funeral, the will, the estate, selling the house, etc. were such a shitshow in my case that I have no advice other than that whenever you can get someone else to handle that stuff for you, do it. I was the executor of the estate and to this day, over six years later, I am still dealing with that headache.
----
I wanted to end with something positive and all I've got is: you'll get through this.
posted by runcibleshaw at 12:47 PM on May 23, 2018 [6 favorites]
Suelac's answer is very good. It's not easy to talk to someone about their likely impending death. But hospice will help, and your Dad is likely to be relieved to be able to talk about how he feels. Big hugs to all. This is hard, but it's a big part of your relationship with your Dad; there are rewarding experiences.
posted by theora55 at 3:04 PM on May 23, 2018
posted by theora55 at 3:04 PM on May 23, 2018
Response by poster: Thanks every one of you! What a kind, smart bunch of people you are.
Just to clarify, I didn’t mean to say that I think if a person loves their parent, they have to be physically present when the parent dies. I just think I have to be. Different families are different ways. I don’t remember my dad ever telling me he loved me, but I have never doubted it, because he was always there. He picked me up from school when I was sick, he would just show up at school sometimes when I wasn’t sick but he thought I needed a break, he bought me an apartment building to live in when I was pregnant with my son, he took care of my kids during crises large and small, he flew across country to help me sort my life out when I lost my job, on and on. That’s the kind of love I understand, though my kids are all about hugging and “I love you” and I have had to adapt to that too. If I were dying, he’d be there.
Also my dad and stepmom are not married. Which is pretty inconvenient at this point. My dad won’t marry my stepmom, because he made that promise once before and didn’t keep it. ffs.
It’s hard to be at work today.
posted by pH Indicating Socks at 3:05 PM on May 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
Just to clarify, I didn’t mean to say that I think if a person loves their parent, they have to be physically present when the parent dies. I just think I have to be. Different families are different ways. I don’t remember my dad ever telling me he loved me, but I have never doubted it, because he was always there. He picked me up from school when I was sick, he would just show up at school sometimes when I wasn’t sick but he thought I needed a break, he bought me an apartment building to live in when I was pregnant with my son, he took care of my kids during crises large and small, he flew across country to help me sort my life out when I lost my job, on and on. That’s the kind of love I understand, though my kids are all about hugging and “I love you” and I have had to adapt to that too. If I were dying, he’d be there.
Also my dad and stepmom are not married. Which is pretty inconvenient at this point. My dad won’t marry my stepmom, because he made that promise once before and didn’t keep it. ffs.
It’s hard to be at work today.
posted by pH Indicating Socks at 3:05 PM on May 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
Upon your update, I still want to know what your 25 year old daughter is self-medicating and why your witholding father (who refuses to marry your stepmother) takes precedence over your daughter, your son, yourself, and your stepmother.
But really. I just want to know what trauma or condition your daughter is self-medicating. Don't you want to know, too?
posted by jbenben at 11:25 PM on May 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
But really. I just want to know what trauma or condition your daughter is self-medicating. Don't you want to know, too?
posted by jbenben at 11:25 PM on May 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
Others have given good advice above. I would add the following: find out if your dad (and/or stepmom) has a living will, a regular will, a power of attorney, a health power of attorney--and if he doesn't, perhaps encourage him to set them up, so his wishes will be followed; make sure you get put on his "who can find out my medical conditions" paper at the doctor's office/hospital; maybe go to a dr appointment with him to see just exactly what his health issues are, if you don't know for certain; keep a notebook of dr appointments and info they tell you; have a plan for if things go wonky and you are called in the dead of night with some issue or other; there might be issues with the fact that he is not married to your stepmom and what decisions she could make for him at the end of his life, as well as what property she could be entitled to once he has passed on, so you might need to consult a lawyer too.
People can be resistant to all this "help," so I would approach it as needing a plan, because you live so far away and can't be there every day. I agree with some of the others who say you should not upend your life, because taking care of someone at the end of their life is very challenging, even for the best-intentioned person. Maybe you and your stepmom's adult daughter could present a united front about needing a plan, if you are on good terms with the adult daughter. Does the adult daughter live close, and could check in on them if you set them up with hospice or home health? Perhaps contact that state's or county's adult protective services to see if they could point you to resources (assuming you live in the U.S.). Maybe assisted living near you could be an option.
posted by cass at 12:59 PM on May 24, 2018
People can be resistant to all this "help," so I would approach it as needing a plan, because you live so far away and can't be there every day. I agree with some of the others who say you should not upend your life, because taking care of someone at the end of their life is very challenging, even for the best-intentioned person. Maybe you and your stepmom's adult daughter could present a united front about needing a plan, if you are on good terms with the adult daughter. Does the adult daughter live close, and could check in on them if you set them up with hospice or home health? Perhaps contact that state's or county's adult protective services to see if they could point you to resources (assuming you live in the U.S.). Maybe assisted living near you could be an option.
posted by cass at 12:59 PM on May 24, 2018
Jbenben, the OP may very well know a lot about the daughter's situation that she's just choosing not to share here. I also don't know if we can assume her father is withholding. The OP seems to feel that he demonstrates his love through actions, even if he doesn't say it.
pH Indicating Socks, for the purposes of the previous paragraph I needed to know your gender pronouns so I did a quick search of your previous posts and found the one from 2015 about your son being suicidal. Hopefully he's feeling much better now, but it adds another worrying aspect to the idea of him moving away to care for your parents alone.
The thing is, we can all offer these opinions but we're not living your life. You're in a complex situation where there is no one solution that everybody would agree on.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:53 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
pH Indicating Socks, for the purposes of the previous paragraph I needed to know your gender pronouns so I did a quick search of your previous posts and found the one from 2015 about your son being suicidal. Hopefully he's feeling much better now, but it adds another worrying aspect to the idea of him moving away to care for your parents alone.
The thing is, we can all offer these opinions but we're not living your life. You're in a complex situation where there is no one solution that everybody would agree on.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:53 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
« Older Travel insurance for non-sequential days | Forced to work specific days or vacation pay... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm an alcoholic, sober about 6 years, and it sounds like you know this, but there just aren't any such words. She probably doesn't see herself as missing anything, or, if she does, she sort of sees that as just the cost of doing business, like living in a place with bad weather.
posted by thelonius at 2:05 AM on May 23, 2018 [11 favorites]