Resources for dealing with the loss of an alcoholic parent
March 28, 2016 1:13 PM Subscribe
My father is in end-stage liver failure due to alcoholism, and I'm having trouble finding good books/websites/forums/etc. for dealing with the emotional component of this situation.
My father (72) has been an alcoholic for my entire life (I'm 26), and though he was high-functioning in some ways he was always either physically and emotionally neglectful or abusive toward me. He has been in the ICU for the past week with Child-Pugh stage C liver failure, and we've all signed off on moving to palliative care. He is unlikely to live more than a few weeks, if that. I don't relate to him as an actual father, but I'm really struggling right now emotionally. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that he'll never get better and never be the father I needed, even though I've known that intellectually for years. It's also really shitty to be in the hospital with him looking like death, denying that he ever drank heavily, claiming that I killed him by moving away for college 10 years ago, and loopily teling me he loves me and expecting a response in kind. (Also, a member of my extended family who had a good relationship with him thinks I should donate a kidney and a lobe of my liver to him, which is just magical.) I've done well at maintaining my boundaries and sense of self while I was at the hospital, though. I feel relatively in control when I'm there.
My mom, who has been a wonderful parent to me, is still married to him for financial reasons. She's not exactly mourning this, given what a natural and predictable result of his behavior this is and how horrible he's been to all of us over the past decades. When I can focus on helping my mom manage things and plan for her new life without him, I do okay, but I'm in a challenging program right now hundreds of miles away from them and can't take much time off to be there at this point in the semester. My siblings are no help, either to my mom or to me. I have a supportive partner and other people around me, but there are limits to how well they can relate.
I'm thinking about going to an Al-Anon meeting this week, and seeing what grief counseling resources are available to me through my university. In-person stuff has made me feel judged for my very mixed emotioms about all of this before, though. I think I could really benefit from books on grieving an alcoholic parent (or someone one had a negative relationship with in general), because seeing things in print can clarify weird emotion al things for me. Most of the general grief resources I've found assume one had a positive relationship with the deceased, and I have literally zero positive memories of my father. The adult children of alcoholics resources tend to talk about grief in terms of grieving one's childhood (so there's a Google problem), which has helped me in the past but isn't really specific to this situation. I would very much appreciate any books/websites/forums that deal with this specifically. I don't mind if they're religiously-influenced, but it won't help me much if all the advice is to just pray on it. Fiction that deals with this sort of thing well would also help; I've been thinking a lot about the ending of East of Eden lately.
Thank you for reading this, and for any resources you can offer.
My father (72) has been an alcoholic for my entire life (I'm 26), and though he was high-functioning in some ways he was always either physically and emotionally neglectful or abusive toward me. He has been in the ICU for the past week with Child-Pugh stage C liver failure, and we've all signed off on moving to palliative care. He is unlikely to live more than a few weeks, if that. I don't relate to him as an actual father, but I'm really struggling right now emotionally. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that he'll never get better and never be the father I needed, even though I've known that intellectually for years. It's also really shitty to be in the hospital with him looking like death, denying that he ever drank heavily, claiming that I killed him by moving away for college 10 years ago, and loopily teling me he loves me and expecting a response in kind. (Also, a member of my extended family who had a good relationship with him thinks I should donate a kidney and a lobe of my liver to him, which is just magical.) I've done well at maintaining my boundaries and sense of self while I was at the hospital, though. I feel relatively in control when I'm there.
My mom, who has been a wonderful parent to me, is still married to him for financial reasons. She's not exactly mourning this, given what a natural and predictable result of his behavior this is and how horrible he's been to all of us over the past decades. When I can focus on helping my mom manage things and plan for her new life without him, I do okay, but I'm in a challenging program right now hundreds of miles away from them and can't take much time off to be there at this point in the semester. My siblings are no help, either to my mom or to me. I have a supportive partner and other people around me, but there are limits to how well they can relate.
I'm thinking about going to an Al-Anon meeting this week, and seeing what grief counseling resources are available to me through my university. In-person stuff has made me feel judged for my very mixed emotioms about all of this before, though. I think I could really benefit from books on grieving an alcoholic parent (or someone one had a negative relationship with in general), because seeing things in print can clarify weird emotion al things for me. Most of the general grief resources I've found assume one had a positive relationship with the deceased, and I have literally zero positive memories of my father. The adult children of alcoholics resources tend to talk about grief in terms of grieving one's childhood (so there's a Google problem), which has helped me in the past but isn't really specific to this situation. I would very much appreciate any books/websites/forums that deal with this specifically. I don't mind if they're religiously-influenced, but it won't help me much if all the advice is to just pray on it. Fiction that deals with this sort of thing well would also help; I've been thinking a lot about the ending of East of Eden lately.
Thank you for reading this, and for any resources you can offer.
I recommend searching for "grief abusive parent," because this is a very common problem for the children of abusive parents to go through. That's what makes it hard (at least, that's what made it hard in my family.)
I also recommend trying that Al-Anon group, because mixed feelings are basically one of the most common problems people have to deal with there. I mean, I've met folks who say they just plain hate their parent, but they usually say something different within an hour or so.
By the way, therapy is also useful for this, especially if it's interfering with your daily life. Your school probably has a program where you can get a few sessions free and quickly.
posted by SMPA at 1:35 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I also recommend trying that Al-Anon group, because mixed feelings are basically one of the most common problems people have to deal with there. I mean, I've met folks who say they just plain hate their parent, but they usually say something different within an hour or so.
By the way, therapy is also useful for this, especially if it's interfering with your daily life. Your school probably has a program where you can get a few sessions free and quickly.
posted by SMPA at 1:35 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Another search term you might find helpful is complicated grief.
posted by bilabial at 1:39 PM on March 28, 2016
posted by bilabial at 1:39 PM on March 28, 2016
I'm three decades older than you are. My dad's an alcoholic whose health is starting to fail. My son is just old enough to go away to college this fall. I'm really proud of my son. It's effed up for your dad to make a claim that you going away to college "killed him". Don't even think about believing that. In fact, maybe start thinking of your dad as a noise making system that utters noise, rather than actual factual statements. (Yeah, dehumanizing, I know, but I'm angry for you and ready to put your dad in the penalty box and leave him there for a long time.)
posted by puddledork at 1:46 PM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by puddledork at 1:46 PM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
If he ends up on hospice (which I'm sure he'd qualify for at this point -- that's something to bring up with his doctor), the social worker, chaplain, and bereavement counselor at the hospice should hopefully be good resources for you exploring these feelings more. What you're going through is very common. My wife, a social worker for a hospice, works with patients' children in your situation on a daily basis.
posted by incessant at 2:26 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by incessant at 2:26 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
My high functioning, quite terrible, outwardly, charming, alcoholic un-parent spent a week dying in hospital.
Whilst that week was hard, I focused on being supportive of the family around me and not getting too involved in drama. Oh god, the drama....
Although her dying wasn't great, it was utterly liberating and wonderful when she was gone. I'd say a few weeks after the funeral (memorial. She donated her body to science) is what it took for the relief to come. And it's ten years now and I don't regret for a minute that's she's dead. Im glad her pain is over and she's not creating new suffering for me or anyone else.
Permission to just want it all over and to rage and grieve at the injustice and shittiness of the hand you were dealt- given.
Hugs if you want them. But I'm in the "A dead abusive alcoholic parent is the best abusive alcoholic parent" camp. And yeah, complex grief and all that, but you didn't make them alcoholic or abusive so you're allowed to quietly exhale and relax as this passes. No further pain from him after this.
posted by taff at 2:38 PM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Whilst that week was hard, I focused on being supportive of the family around me and not getting too involved in drama. Oh god, the drama....
Although her dying wasn't great, it was utterly liberating and wonderful when she was gone. I'd say a few weeks after the funeral (memorial. She donated her body to science) is what it took for the relief to come. And it's ten years now and I don't regret for a minute that's she's dead. Im glad her pain is over and she's not creating new suffering for me or anyone else.
Permission to just want it all over and to rage and grieve at the injustice and shittiness of the hand you were dealt- given.
Hugs if you want them. But I'm in the "A dead abusive alcoholic parent is the best abusive alcoholic parent" camp. And yeah, complex grief and all that, but you didn't make them alcoholic or abusive so you're allowed to quietly exhale and relax as this passes. No further pain from him after this.
posted by taff at 2:38 PM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
My mother died in a similar fashion. The best thing I did was talk to the hospice representative about finding grief groups.
I still miss her, but I don't miss the alcoholic.
posted by heathrowga at 2:44 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I still miss her, but I don't miss the alcoholic.
posted by heathrowga at 2:44 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
"...he'll never be the father I needed, even though I have known that intellectually for years."
HUGE HUG. I have been right where you are. My father died 5 years ago under circumstances that were very much the same. This is grief, what you're feeling, and it's normal and so understandable. Other people grieve when their parents die but children of end-stage alcoholics often grieve while they're still alive - but still we hope. We always have secret hope that our parents will someday get their shit together and be parents. I don't think I was even truly aware of the hole in my life that my dad's alcoholism caused until he was really sick at the very end, and I realized not only was he incapable of being my dad right then, but I had never in my life really known what it was to have a father to rely on, and now I never would. Of course you're going to be devastated right now. On top of everything else, it is cripplingly sad to see someone's life ending as a result of their own very avoidable behavior. Alcoholism is a terrible disease.
I know I'd have gotten through my dad's end-stage disease without Al-Anon, but it would have been infinitely harder. It can help you so much. You don't have to talk, just go and sit and listen. And please feel free to memail me any time.
posted by something something at 2:48 PM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
HUGE HUG. I have been right where you are. My father died 5 years ago under circumstances that were very much the same. This is grief, what you're feeling, and it's normal and so understandable. Other people grieve when their parents die but children of end-stage alcoholics often grieve while they're still alive - but still we hope. We always have secret hope that our parents will someday get their shit together and be parents. I don't think I was even truly aware of the hole in my life that my dad's alcoholism caused until he was really sick at the very end, and I realized not only was he incapable of being my dad right then, but I had never in my life really known what it was to have a father to rely on, and now I never would. Of course you're going to be devastated right now. On top of everything else, it is cripplingly sad to see someone's life ending as a result of their own very avoidable behavior. Alcoholism is a terrible disease.
I know I'd have gotten through my dad's end-stage disease without Al-Anon, but it would have been infinitely harder. It can help you so much. You don't have to talk, just go and sit and listen. And please feel free to memail me any time.
posted by something something at 2:48 PM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Hugs. I'm glad you're looking for supportive resources. It's surprising to hear that Al-Anon has left you feeling judged. Have you been to those meetings before? My observation is that people bring up all kinds of feelings, about all kinds of incidents--from the petty to the existential--and the culture of the organization is to be very open to every kind of reaction.
posted by Sublimity at 3:40 PM on March 28, 2016
posted by Sublimity at 3:40 PM on March 28, 2016
Holy shit does your post bring back memories. I'm so sorry for you and the spot you're in.
I had cut off relations with my dad because of his drinking when I learned he was in the hospital, end-stage terminal with alcoholic hepatitis. The family drama, the accusations of blame, the hollowness of a lot of the self-help network...it all is terribly familiar.
Oddly, the book that helped me most in coming to terms with my complicated memory of him was Infinite Jest. Its portrayal of addicts, and the ways that in the depths of the disease they inflict damage upon themselves and others in ways that really do transcend their own ability to make choices, rung true to me in a way that the medical and self-help literature never did. It's a long, complicated slog of a novel that is only partially about addiction, but more than anything else I read or did I think it's what finally got me to forgive my dad.
I'm sorry for your losses --both of the father you do/did have and the one you might have had. They are both real losses, and you'll figure out how to mourn them in your own way. Memail if it helps.
posted by dr. boludo at 7:29 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I had cut off relations with my dad because of his drinking when I learned he was in the hospital, end-stage terminal with alcoholic hepatitis. The family drama, the accusations of blame, the hollowness of a lot of the self-help network...it all is terribly familiar.
Oddly, the book that helped me most in coming to terms with my complicated memory of him was Infinite Jest. Its portrayal of addicts, and the ways that in the depths of the disease they inflict damage upon themselves and others in ways that really do transcend their own ability to make choices, rung true to me in a way that the medical and self-help literature never did. It's a long, complicated slog of a novel that is only partially about addiction, but more than anything else I read or did I think it's what finally got me to forgive my dad.
I'm sorry for your losses --both of the father you do/did have and the one you might have had. They are both real losses, and you'll figure out how to mourn them in your own way. Memail if it helps.
posted by dr. boludo at 7:29 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm with you, I'm not seeing a lot of written word that addresses your situation, which is surprising because it's pretty freaking common.
For sure, hit up Al-Anon, if for nothing but being with people who can provide understanding and fellowship. They've been there, they can help you.
ACOA books might help a bit, even if they're not tailor made for you.
Here's Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, perhaps your partner might be interested in reading it.
Here's one, Adult Children of Abusive Parents, which falls into your category a bit.
Here's an interesting sounding memoir, The Alcoholic Bitch who Ruined your Life.
You are more than fine, it sounds like you are firmly rooted while the crazy swirls around you. Please know that I'm keeping you in my prayers because what you are going through is pretty fucked up.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:33 PM on March 28, 2016