Okay not to disclose Viagra use?

April 27, 2018 11:39 PM

My boyfriend just told me he uses Viagra most of the times we have sex. That’s fine, but I’m wishing he had told me sooner. I know this can be a sensitive thing for men, but we’ve talked about sex a lot, including difficulties I sometimes have reaching orgasm and my insecurities around that. I’m wondering, given this context, if it’s unreasonable of me to think he should have mentioned it earlier.

My boyfriend and I (a woman) are both in our early 40s. We met five months ago, when he was visiting my city, and we had sex for the first time soon after. He lives several states away, and we’ve had monthly long-weekend visits since then. Things became serious pretty quickly, and he’s making plans to move to my town. We are hoping for a long-term relationship, so we share a lot.

We have an active, new relationship sex life (two or three times a day at least when we’re together), and we have regular phone and video chat sex. We’re exploring some sex kinks new to me as well. We’re not monogamous, and we both have other partners, and we’re very open about all this. So we have a lot of sex, and we talk about sex a lot. In particular, we have discussed challenges I’ve dealt with in having orgasms easily and regularly—I’ve cried some tears over this with him—and he’s been incredibly supportive and wonderful, both in terms of physical exploration and emotional support.

He just told me that he started having problems maintaining erections a few years earlier and had gotten a prescription for an ED drug. He’s taken it most of the times we’ve had sex.

I’m not concerned that he has a prescription and uses it. We have a great sex life, and it’s clear the prescription has helped that. But I’m feeling like this is something he should have told me earlier. We’ve discussed ED, in terms of my former partners, at least a few times.

Is the stigma around this for men so significant that I should understand? Or is it reasonable to think he might have mentioned this before, especially when I was sharing my own insecurities about my sexual performance? It also makes me wonder if there are other significant things he hasn’t shared.

He and I will move ahead in our relationship, and this isn’t a long-term problem, but I’d appreciate some outside perspective on the timing of the disclosure.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total)

It's a trust thing, and ultimately he trusted you with the information. Five months isn't super long to be in a relationship, his pacing isn't terrible. Not immediate , but not terrible either.

It can have lots of complicated feelings around it. He was getting to a point in the relationship where he was sure he could tell you. That's fine. There is lots of perceived stigma for some people, remember he trusted you.

He did tell, and that's what building relationships is about. Your reaction will impact if he tells you other sensitive things. It is an option if he thinks you'll get mad because he didn't tell sooner to never share at all.
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:06 AM on April 28, 2018 [20 favorites]

I don't know what you mean by "other significant things he hasn't shared." Bodies sometimes just don't want to go along with the program and you need to get some meds or some lube or whatever. It doesn't mean he's got an extra wife hidden in his attic ala Jane Eyre.
posted by sacchan at 12:12 AM on April 28, 2018 [18 favorites]

It's significant in that it took time to share, and that it's a medical condition, not that I'm judging him for having a condition or that i would care at all of someone used this medication. But some people do. There is stigma, not that it is right to have.

Other significant things could be anything he holds close to his heart and fears he might be judged over. Could be a phobia, could be that he hates his mom, i don't know and it doesn't matter. But everyone has things they share to significant others slowly that they deam sensitive and it's natural that these things come out over time. 5 months isn't all that long.
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:40 AM on April 28, 2018 [3 favorites]

One framing of this situation is that men are judged more harshly for erectile dysfunction than women are for failure to reach orgasm. Men are also discouraged from expressing vulnerability. It's not necessarily a red flag.
posted by b33j at 12:46 AM on April 28, 2018 [12 favorites]

He felt comfortable enough to share very intimate personal information with you after only a few months together. This is cause for celebration and a step forward for your relationship, not cause to treat him with suspicion.
posted by Jubey at 1:11 AM on April 28, 2018 [24 favorites]

I'm not sure how you were harmed by his hesitency to disclose this. Erectile dysfunction isn't an STI, you're not going to catch it or something. He has a harmless but embarassing condition, one which he was effectively handling on his own in a way that doesn't impact you at all (he wasn't asking for your help in dealing with it, he doesn't need you to do or not do anything because of it) and it took him a while before he felt comfortable talking about it. That's all. Not even that long; five months is pretty early in a relationship.

Genuinely not seeing the problem here.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:09 AM on April 28, 2018 [27 favorites]

I don’t think you’re completely unreasonable to have that reaction — if I’m understanding you correctly, you had a bunch of difficult emotional conversations about sex that felt to you as if your sexual response and difficulty with orgasm was flawed and a problem that needed to be solved, whereas his sexuality was perfectly functional. You had a problem, he was just fine. And now you’re a little upset to find out that he could have put those conversations on a more equal footing by revealing that the two of you both have comparable issues, but when you were opening up he wasn’t willing to share yet?

If I’m understanding your response correctly, I totally get it and might have the same reaction myself, but I do think you should let it go. Erectile dysfunction is a hard thing for men to talk about, and he opened up about it when he could, which was pretty fast by relationship standards.
posted by LizardBreath at 3:51 AM on April 28, 2018 [44 favorites]

I don't understand the question. Why would he be obligated to tell you about the medications he was taking, as long as they're not for anything contagious? It would never occur to me that a partner should disclose this. Are you enjoying your sex life? If yes, then what difference does it make? I feel like you're being way too nosy - are you going through his medicine cabinet to see what else he might be taking? Should he show you his cholesterol results? I'm being a bit hyperbolic but if you have things you want/need to know about a person, you should ask, because privacy boundaries are different for everyone. From your reaction, it seems like he was correct in his trepidation to disclose. He must have sensed it would be abnormally important.
posted by AFABulous at 6:22 AM on April 28, 2018 [7 favorites]

So he let you believe that he was being vulnerable when you were, but actually he wasn't. He created a power differential that you weren't aware of.

And he waited until after you were attached and committed to him to disclose something that, apparently, is a stigma (i.e. probably a dealbreaker for some or many).

And yet, the information itself feels like "not a big deal" and people (pretty vehemently) insist that it is not a big deal. But if it is not a big deal, why be so secretive and dramatic about it? Why not just mention it briefly in passing? Maybe it is a big deal and having big feelings about it is called for!?

Does that adequately sum up your feelings? I guess you can't answer being anon, but if it does, yeah. That would bother me too. I would feel confused, and maybe hurt and betrayed.

Remember that you are always allowed to feel your feelings regardless what people think of them.

That said, reframing this might be your best bet moving forward. People have different ideas about what secrets or personal things are appropriate to disclose, and when, and people have different responses to various topics.

Some people think this kind of vulnerability should be mutual and simultaneous, but others feel that that it is unfair to someone who has recently disclosed something personal or emotional to do the same.

Some people think secrets are fine and some think partners should never have secrets. If he's otherwise a trustworthy and communicative person, it might be best to consider this a difference of approach.

I feel like people are coming down on you pretty hard here and I'm sorry about that. Your feelings are legitimate, acceptable and understandable.

Anyways, I 100% guarantee there are other significant things he hasn't disclosed. You've known him 5 months out of 40 years; that's a lot to catch up on!
posted by windykites at 7:12 AM on April 28, 2018 [15 favorites]

I get it. I dated a guy who had trouble orgasming and it made me feel totally incompetent and like he wasn’t really into me. Turned out he was on anti-depressants, which yeah, he wasn’t obligated to disclose to me, but it would have been helpful to know so as to reduce my anxiety. I know he didn’t need to tell me and I should have not cared, but I did and it turns out there were lots of other things I didn’t know about him that mattered. I don’t think you’re out of line to feel hurt when you were clearly being vulnerable with him.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 7:22 AM on April 28, 2018 [9 favorites]

I guess I see it as a big deal because the two most common responses to sexual dysfunction in American culture are:

1. Blame the person with the dysfunction in ways that are abusive.
2. Blame the partner in ways that are abusive.

We're constantly given messages that if two people are attracted to each other that penetrative intercourse and orgasms are natural and expected, and if they don't happen someone is doing something wrong, or you're not really into each other.

So on the one hand, I think it's a bit of a mismatch that he did not disclose at the same time you did. On the other hand, this IS an area where sexual partners loose their shit in ways that can range from the uncomfortable to the scary.
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 9:09 AM on April 28, 2018

My first thought is that he didn't want to shift the focus to himself, during the sharing of your orgasm issue. He was being there for you, 100%. Later, he trusted you when he gave you his vulnerability. That's my take on it, for what it's worth. The whole thing might make for a good conversation between the two of you.
posted by LaBellaStella at 9:35 AM on April 28, 2018 [5 favorites]

Is the stigma around this for men so significant that I should understand? Or is it reasonable to think he might have mentioned this before, especially when I was sharing my own insecurities about my sexual performance?

I think it's okay to feel weird about this yourself but also understand that his actions were well within the range of normal for men in this society because of stigma. It's entirely possible he may not have talked to anyone about this besides his doctor, so opening up to you might be a big deal. To me, my feelings are like LaBellaStella's, possibly he didn't want to basically make your discussions about your own feelings be overshadowed by his issues and "a few months in" is basically early on in the relationship in my assessment. I can also see another read in which the time when you were talking about your own insecurities were a good time for him to have talked about his own. It's also possible he didn't see these as the same type of things (i.e. where it seems like it's been helpful for you to have "physical exploration and emotional support" it's been helpful for him to have Viagra) and didn't want to lump them together.

In any case, absent any other squirreliness I would say that, yeah, the stigma is HUGE for guys in a lot of ways. Which isn't to say that your feelings aren't also totally valid! But as someone who has dated guys with ED issues in the past, I've been surprised about how much of it was an issue that, for them, had everything to do with their relationship with themselves and very little to do (in their mind) with their relationship with me. Which is always a weird thing to understand, but seemed to be the way they worked this sort of thing out.
posted by jessamyn at 9:50 AM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

You shared this big insecurity that's a thing you're still working on. He's also got a thing that's potentially an embarrassing point, somewhat, but like... it sounds like, if you didn't notice anything before this point, he's got it pretty well under control. "Ah, yes, I also have problems with the sexing, but I take a pill for it and it's all better"--I mean, I'm sure he wouldn't put it that way, but it seems like there's a lot of ways that could have seemed insensitive.

This seems like in most relationships this would be a normal point to start bringing up stuff like daily medications and other things that the other person's going to know about anyway post-move. I know you guys have had a lot of extra sharing ahead of time, but like--the fact that he shared more stuff with you earlier in the relationship than normal doesn't mean it's a bad thing for him to have not spilled literally everything at that point. The extra information you have already is a bonus, not an expectation for how he should have treated everything. There's almost certainly still things you don't know, if you don't have a minute-by-minute account of every day and a detailed life history, but like--that's fine? That's normal. That's normal even well into a long-term relationship.
posted by Sequence at 9:52 AM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

Women are prescribed medications for sexual dysfunction, too. It's possible your boyfriend didn't bring up his history while you were discussing your own challenges because he didn't want to come across as, oh, I had that, and a prescription is what solved it for me, and seem unsympathetic, or, worse, like he was rushing in to 'fix' rather than listening. But a bit of time has elapsed, and you know one another better, and now his disclosure can just be what it is, a disclosure.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:27 AM on April 28, 2018 [3 favorites]

Health issues are often something people disclose much further into a relationship. I’m in my early 30’s and occasionally have issues in the bedroom because of nervousness. I would feel a lot of shame and embarrassment if I had to take ED drugs before age 50.

As a side note, ED in younger men can sometimes be linked to diabetes or heart problems. Is his health otherwise good?
posted by mtphoto at 7:26 AM on April 29, 2018 [1 favorite]

Whew. What a minefield. Okay, deep breath.

First and foremost, if you're going to take anything away from this conversation, please let it be this : his ED is not your fault. It probably has nothing at all to do with you. This is actually one of the most painful and difficult-to-accept aspects of ED. As a man, you want to tell the woman, "please, this has nothing at all to do with you," but sometimes women blame themselves anyway, sometimes going as far as to end the relationship because they feel they aren't being wanted/desired or aren't compatible with the man. I would urge you not to do this.

Our society has a lot of painfully wrong ideas about male sexuality, and some of it does come from living within a patriarchal society. We're told (socially) that the point of sex is for a man to come, and that if the man can't come, the sex is "broken." You'd be surprised by how much this dangerous and toxic attitude persists, even among avowed feminists. There's this insidious idea that if a man can't come, something is "broken," something is "wrong," something is "incompatible"-- even if the man is actually enjoying himself and is fine with not coming. There are a lot of wonderful dishes on the sexual menu, and there's no reason why male orgasm has to be the main course -- or even on the menu.

When a man experiences ED, it can be one of the worst, disheartening, crazy-making things ever. Because there's this thing that you want to do and you want your body to do, but your body won't do it, in fact refuses to do it, and the more you want your body to do it, the harder it is for your body to do it. And as a result, your partner may think that you're "broken" or that she's "undesirable," and as a result, she may never give you another chance. All of this can lead to a situation that feels very much like a panic attack, which of course is not conducive to maintaining an erection or achieving orgasm.

You mention that you're in your 40s, so I don't know if his problem is physical or mental. Can he maintain an erection when he's masturbating? If not, he's got a bona fide medical condition that we have a really effective medicine for. If so, he has a psychological condition -- one that we have a really effective medicine for.

The main difference (to my mind) is that if it's a psychological condition, he could potentially wean himself off the Viagra. One way to do this is crush up the pill and subdivide it into capsules -- you can buy empty gelatin capsules at any health food store. Over time, he can take less and less until he's taking none at all.

Or (and it sounds like maybe he's started down this path) he can wean off Viagra by openly addressing the issue with you -- this is the path of emotional intimacy, which is really really hard to do, and I think it's important to recognize what he's trying to do here. He's taking a huge risk by telling you one of the most painful things a man can admit to -- "I can't do the thing our culture says is The Most Important Manly Thing." This is a chance to build intimacy with him. Nothing is more sexy or arousing than true intimacy. It's the opposite of the "oh shit I can't get it up" panic attack. By opening up to you and de-escalating the ED, he's laying the groundwork for a situation where he feels safe with you. This is a really, really good thing.

You can double down on this intimacy by making penetrative sex non-mandatory. Let him know that you enjoy sex with him, even if he can't get it up. So many other things you can do in bed! Our bodies are wonderful things! Human sexuality is a wide and varied thing to explore. Also, you mentioned various kinks, so maybe explore that a bit.

None of this is to say that he needs to stop taking Viagra. Barring certain heart conditions, he could take it for the rest of his life. The important thing is for you to internalize that it has nothing to do with you or your desirability or attractiveness, or even your compatibility as a couple. Some people sometimes have problems that require medication. Would you feel betrayed if he were taking an antidepressant without telling you?

Bottom line, his ED is not your fault. He has a physical or psychological challenge that he's taking a very effective medicine for. He didn't tell you at first because it was too early in the relationship, and also because of the awful (and sexist) stigma attached to ED. He took a big risk in opening up to you.

This is an excellent opportunity to build emotional intimacy with him, should you choose to.
posted by Sloop John B at 5:52 AM on May 6, 2018 [1 favorite]