So she wasn’t being supportive of my love of cooking in spandex
April 12, 2018 9:50 AM Subscribe

It was recently brought to my attention that my Mom has been giving me passive aggressive gifts. I didn’t notice. Should I do anything?

For my birthday, holidays, and random “just because” moments over the last few years my Mom has given me a lot of exercise clothing and diet cookbooks. I like to occasionally work out and I love cooking so I never thought much of it. It’s a little disappointing that my big present is always a sports top or leggings for my birthday but hey, she’s never been great at picking out presents, and it’s nice that she celebrates with me.

But now I've been told she’s trying to send me a message with these gifts, and that message is “you need to lose weight”. Since she tells me that message on occasion by saying “you need to lose weight” and she loves getting other people passive aggressive gifts the logic checks out.

My question is should I talk to her about this? It’s not bothering me that much, I already ignore the overt weight related comments as it’s my body, and I genuinely like some of the clothing and cookbooks. But with awareness that these gifts have a message attached comes a nagging feeling I should do something. But it’s not having a deterimental effect on me so asking her to address and possibly change her behavior seems a bit controlling and whiny. Any thoughts?

posted by lepus to Human Relations (37 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

You were cool with it until this 3rd party spilled the beans.

You might ask that 3rd party to keep their observations to themselves in the future.
posted by dywypi at 9:54 AM on April 12, 2018 [68 favorites]

Like, no? Life is long, and fraught, and you need to pick your battles. If you are resilient enough to literally give no fucks, than this matters not at all.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:55 AM on April 12, 2018 [56 favorites]

Honestly, I'd be quicker to respond to the more overt declarations you say she's making (it sounds like in addition to these gifts, she is also flat-out telling you that you need to lose weight).

As for the passive-aggressive stuff - sometimes it's deliciously passive-aggressive right back to accept a passive-aggressive gift at face value and be all happy about it, so the person trying to be nasty is left realizing that you didn't get what they were sayign and they're going to have to, like, say it. Probably drives them nuts. Heh.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:58 AM on April 12, 2018 [66 favorites]

After years of both passive aggressive things and overt comments, what's stopped my mom was, "Mom, you're not the one who sees me naked now."
posted by astapasta24 at 10:01 AM on April 12, 2018 [60 favorites]

I like to occasionally work out and I love cooking

Someone once said to me "there's only two people in any given relationship". Don't allow a 3rd person into your relationship with your mother.

Assume that your mother knows that you like to work out and that you love cooking and that she loves you and wants to support you and leave it at that. If your mother didn't look you in the eye and say "I've been giving you exercise gear and cookbooks because I think you need to lose weight", don't let someone else talk you into thinking her efforts weren't sincere.
posted by vignettist at 10:02 AM on April 12, 2018 [15 favorites]

It's hard to see how anything positive will come out of confronting this. I think it's great that you don't really care - I have found that being able to not care is absolutely the best way to deal with quirky family members - and as long as that's the case, I'd just let it alone and keep happily stockpiling leggings. By the time we're adults and our parents are old, the chances of changing their behavior is vanishingly small.
posted by something something at 10:02 AM on April 12, 2018 [2 favorites]

This is kind of funny.

Anyway, I don't like your 3rd party here. They're mean and, I suspect, inaccurate. Your mom may be trying to tell you to lose weight... so what? Your mom loves you and wants you to have the healthiest life, yes? Maybe she thinks you'd like to lose weight and that her gifts are helpful and useful. Which it sounds like they are; just not to that exact result. But you like to exercise and aren't horrified at the suggestion, so who's getting hurt? Nobody, until your 3rd party showed up.

(Good exercise clothes are expensive and I wish someone would buy me mine. If only my mother's worries and criticisms came in this useful a form!!!)
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:05 AM on April 12, 2018 [18 favorites]

You could be passive-aggressive right back and talk about how you've cooked such tasty things from the books she gave you, but you replaced the creme fraiche with double cream and the margarine with butter because it just tastes so much better that way!

Agree that it's probably best to just let it go and tell your informant to keep their nose out, though.
posted by corvine at 10:06 AM on April 12, 2018 [11 favorites]

If you want to have some fun with it you can get her a book about direct communication styles for her next birthday because, you know, everyone could use a little self-improvement.
posted by griphus at 10:09 AM on April 12, 2018 [79 favorites]

I think that even if you did confront her, she would act like she had no idea what you were talking about, and might even act a bit hurt and offended in the process. This opinion is based on lots of dealings with passive aggressive parents.
posted by Polychrome at 10:23 AM on April 12, 2018 [7 favorites]

It doesn't sound like it bothers you and the conversation you're proposing is only likely to create tension. If she's anything like my mom, she will play dumb and then keep doing it anyway, so the conversation might not be all that productive either. I might be more angry at the third party who couldn't leave well enough alone, but if you can let none of this bother you, that's probably the best way to move forward.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:35 AM on April 12, 2018 [2 favorites]

Perhaps all you need to do about it is laugh at the ridiculousness with your friends. I mean, she's desperately trying to give you a passive-aggressive message via gifts and all you've been doing is being oblivious and enjoying them. If you dgaf then it's just really funny.
posted by plonkee at 10:38 AM on April 12, 2018 [9 favorites]

You've "been told she's trying to send a message"? Why does the person who told you say that? Did your mom tell him/her? Why does this person think telling you this was a good idea? Maybe that person is passive aggressively telling you to lose weight.

Enjoy your relationship with your mom and ignore the third party shit-stirrer.
posted by FencingGal at 10:41 AM on April 12, 2018 [9 favorites]

BTW, I end up dong a lot of repeat gift giving if a person has been pleased with gifts in a general category. You might be getting these gifts because you obviously like them and because it's hard to think of gifts for people, especially if she's hitting not just traditional gift-giving occasions, but also "just because."
posted by FencingGal at 10:44 AM on April 12, 2018 [5 favorites]

If it's not bothering you, keep it not bothering you. Life is to short to pick unnecessary fights with people who are unlikely to change.
posted by spindrifter at 11:02 AM on April 12, 2018 [2 favorites]

If anything, the next time you receive one of these gifts you could casually mention that you hope they're not trying to tell you to lose weight, because that's not how it works.
posted by rhizome at 11:13 AM on April 12, 2018

SNL just did a spoof Nike ad showing what workout clothes are really for. I say keep doing what you're doing, and maybe invite mom over for dinner (from one of those cookbooks) and a Netflix binge.
posted by headnsouth at 11:17 AM on April 12, 2018 [3 favorites]

Lounge on her couch in the exercise clothes enjoying a giant cupcake.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 11:29 AM on April 12, 2018 [4 favorites]

I would definitely call them out on it, because I hate this kind of behavior. You want to play passive-aggressive because conflict makes you feel bad? HERE LET ME INCREASE THE AWKWARDNESS AND GIVE YOU THE EXACT OPPOSITE.
posted by Violet Hour at 11:31 AM on April 12, 2018 [2 favorites]

I would take a little time to let this simmer. People are allowed to choose gifts. But passive-aggressive gifts have baggage. I think at some point, I'd say to Mom You know I'm okay with my weight, right? I'd be fine with losing some, too, but my priorities are clear to me. and I might start paying attention to where she buys stuff, returning it and buying a gift that feels more celebratory. From now on, the exercise gear and diet cookbooks may feel aggravating.
posted by theora55 at 11:49 AM on April 12, 2018

So, my mom does a lot of horrible passive-aggressive and manipulative things. she's done this my whole life and I never noticed how toxic her shit was until someone pointed it out.

I don't know what you relationship with your mom is like, or what your relationship with the bean spiller is like or what their intentions were, but for me, in my situation I appreciate that someone helped me get a clue about my moms toxic shit, even if it did get in the way of my relationship with her. YMMV

Same. It took a therapist saying "holy shit, that's not normal" for me to realize that [behavior I hadn't even thought was the least bit abusive] was part of a larger spectrum of abuse and manipulation ranging from "mildly bitchy" to "really really egregiously bad." When you grow up with something, it's really hard to have the distance to see its abnormality.

Still, I probably wouldn't do anything about this yet. I'd file the information away and address the more overt forms of negging and criticism first.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:59 AM on April 12, 2018 [14 favorites]

Personally, my entire style of dealing with sarcastic or passive-aggressive comments is to take them literally. If people want to communicate with us, it's up to them to be forthright and direct. On the other hand, if they're trying to one-up or dump guilt, they deserve what they get. Taking them literally (as you've been doing) sends the messages that you're totally fine with the thing they're trying to get you upset about and that you can't believe that the person would be trying something sneaky and underhanded. Some people may actually get the message after awhile. For the rest, just smile and enjoy their frustration.
posted by ubiquity at 12:02 PM on April 12, 2018 [2 favorites]

My mother has given me approximately four manicure sets, a ton of nail varnish and I still have short uneven unpolished nails because I am busy and don't really care. Other "gifts" have included horrible patterned tops (I wear block colours and clean lines), anti-blackhead cosmetics and wheat biscuits (I'm gluten free).

I find it funny. Just accept that's how she is and enjoy the positive aspects of your relationship.
posted by doornoise at 12:10 PM on April 12, 2018 [2 favorites]

I would be pretty tempted to send her some sort of old-school etiquette book with a note about how you thought she would enjoy learning some helpful life tips.

I understand people saying to just drop it and enjoy the relationship with your mom, but fuck that. How enjoyable is it going to be now that you know this?
posted by joan_holloway at 12:15 PM on April 12, 2018 [1 favorite]

Based on your testimony here, I don't see a big issue between you and your mother. Maybe you are a little sensitive about your body type and her reminders touch some boundaries. But that's not what I've read in this post. This 3rd person seems to have keyed in on the "Passive-Aggressive" nature of your mother's gifts. Passive Aggressive? I don't know about that, so maybe, and if maybe, so what?

Anyhow my reading of your post could be: your friend told you that your mother seems to be mothering you, and they thought it was inappropriate. So, now that you've been told, are you wanting to react because your friend thinks you ought to react, or do you actually have an issue with these gifts, and/or the thought behind them? It could be a mistake to view your mother through your friend's eyes.

In fact, I might want to explore your friend's reasoning, to see why they are interested in the nature of these gifts, what they think about how you look, or their view of their relationship with you and your mother. Be gentle, because they could mean well. I might respond to your friend by saying something like "Yeah, I know. Mom's been doing this since I was a tadpole, and I think it's sweet of her to care."
posted by mule98J at 12:30 PM on April 12, 2018 [1 favorite]

This all depends on what your relationship with your mother is (and I have no idea how old you are, which figures in to that equation), how much this might bother you, and the extent to which you are willing to go to prevent this behavior. My mother, for example, used to police my weight by straight-up commenting on it when I came to visit my parents. When she didn't stop despite my telling her repeatedly to keep it to herself and that I was an adult who was well aware of his weight, I eventually said that the next time she commented on my weight would be the last time I came to visit. Well, that of course came to pass because she couldn't help herself, and the result was that I left the table and didn't visit my parents again for around a year (they lived over 1,500 miles away). Plenty of people wouldn't be willing to take things that far, but it did have an effect.

If you aren't actually willing to do something meaningful about your mother's behavior (I stopped having that willingness once it became clear that my mother was starting to have dementia) then there is really no point in bringing it up. All that's likely to happen is that she will resent being confronted about what she perceives as "well-intentioned hints."
posted by slkinsey at 12:31 PM on April 12, 2018

The answer to passive aggressive gift giving is always either a.) drug-store cologne sets or b.) a chia pet. Just alternate years.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 12:31 PM on April 12, 2018 [12 favorites]

IME, the best way to deal with this is to stop caring what that person thinks with regard to the passive aggressive message. That's their opinion. They are entitled to it. What matters is what you think is best for you. Then if it turns out to be a gift that you like, great! If not, one positive way to deal with that is to donate it to Goodwill, helping people in need, turning those passive aggressive lemons into lemonade.
posted by jazzbaby at 1:27 PM on April 12, 2018 [1 favorite]

I popped in to basically say what PhoBWanKenobi said.

There is perhaps a big difference that we came to these realizations in therapy. While I wasn't aware of the impact this constant low level barrage of negativity from the moment of my existence, it had contributed to a level of anxiety that was unmanageable and starting to cause physical symptoms. It took a long time to realize that the physical symptoms were not more legitimate than the emotional symptoms, I had just been taught that my emotional state wasn't important.

One of the things I've been digging into is the double edged sword of gratitude. Gratitude is an enjoyable emotion, and it's certainly socially acceptable. But when you're grateful for things like "people not being dicks to you" or "mom acknowledging my birthday in a totally mediocre fashion in a way I don't totally hate", that has a way of teaching you that you don't deserve normal human things.

You deserve a mom who doesn't think you're a project needing fixing. Who trusts that you're making the best medical decisions you want, and listens to what support you think you need to make that happen. And it's sad that she has baggage that prevents her from giving that to you, even if she has plenty of other great qualities.

I've had to push back, and I currently have a very strained relationship with my parents about a similar dynamic. But that's mostly because it's the root of some serious things in my life, and I really need to rewire that boundary. I like Jonice Webb's take that all parents fail, and kids are pretty resilient. But that there is some not-well understood threshold after which these failures start to cause issues. Either because they don't have a wider social network, or the parents had a lot on their plate.

Which is to say that you can be experiencing the same dynamic as me, but that doesn't mean it leads to the same place I'm at. You might be able to shrug it off, or just push back once and then realize it's not worth making a big deal over.
posted by politikitty at 2:43 PM on April 12, 2018 [7 favorites]

Wow, I was not expecting so many responses. Thank you! I seriously worry about being too non confrontational so it’s helpful to get a larger perspective. Right now I’m more at peace with my desire to just file this away this about my Mom and continue to not let her get to me. When my Mom first started telling me I needed to lose weight I checked with a doctor, and have near every time I go in. All have insisted I’m at a great weight for my height and do not want me to diet so ignoring her comments is easy, I have backup.

The third party was actually a group of my friends. They were talking about my Moms behavior when they pitched in to help my brother move while I was out of town. The pointed gifts she gave him and then me was mentioned. No one realized this would be news to me, and no one excepts any action on my part. We did all laugh about it, and will likely continue too.
posted by lepus at 3:42 PM on April 12, 2018 [8 favorites]

It sounds like, even if you don’t mind the passive aggressiveness that much, it’s still disappointing that you’re not getting anything else. Maybe it could help to set up a wishlist and bring it up (to the family as a whole) before your birthday or the next holiday. Perhaps it’s a passive aggressive move, but if part of the problem is a difficulty thinking of unique gifts, your mom might find it helpful. My mom definitely likes having the kids set up wishlists (and asks us to make sure they’re updated by Thanksgiving).
posted by jennyesq at 9:33 PM on April 12, 2018 [1 favorite]

For several years in a row, my mom gave me pajamas for my birthday and for Christmas. I don't wear pajamas, I just wear whatever. She thinks that proper ladies wear pajamas. She wears pajamas. I mean, yes, it is just an oversized t-shirt but, by god, she bought it in the pajama section of JCPennys and it has a print of animals wearing pajamas on the front of it. I know that this is my mom trying to get me to act like a lady and I also know that my mom loves me despite the fact that I cuss, and don't wear makeup, and take her gift to the Salvation Army because I don't like lady PJ's. And I love her despite her judgment on my wicked ways. This is sometimes the price we pay.
posted by Foam Pants at 10:45 PM on April 12, 2018 [1 favorite]

This sounds a lot like my mother. She was very critical of my weight when I was growing up, but did stop directly commenting after I after I eventually just lost it with her.

She still makes digs and comments on what I eat, and buys me 'helpful' presents from time to time. But I'm a lot happier in my body now, so it's less of a sore spot, and my weight is more to her liking, so she's less mean about it.

So now I find it pretty funny and I just laugh and joke with her about it.

So, what worked for me was:
1. Going completely ape shit
2. Resigning myself and finding the funny side in her continuous but lessened comments on my appearance after step 1.
posted by Dwardles at 3:01 AM on April 13, 2018

I don't think she's likely to admit to it if you confront her. A wish list could help - my mom will get me baffling gifts without guidance so I just tell her exactly what I want. Failing that, you could also leverage your knowledge to get some good stuff - like a really good sports bra.
posted by bunderful at 5:59 AM on April 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

We did all laugh about it, and will likely continue too.

Perfect response!! What more do you need? The world can always use more laughter and goodies with less calories, plus it's fun to have up-to-date sports fashions.

Really passive-aggressive mothers give the latest diet book and clothing that's three sizes too small ;)
posted by BlueHorse at 9:45 PM on April 13, 2018

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