Cold feet prior to becoming trailing spouse
April 11, 2018 10:52 AM Subscribe
I'm getting cold feet prior to an international move as a trailing spouse. I initially agreed to the plan because I was bored and exhausted with where my life was going so i thought trying something new would be exciting.
But now reality is setting in and I'm realizing I will be in a not-first-world country with sub-optimal climate for me (it is cold, snowy, and landlocked while i am crazy about the beach) for some indefinite time. I also feel like I am detonating my current life and will have limited opportunities to start over. I will need to learn the language literally and figuratively. Turning back at this point would be analogous to divorce as my partner has already sold off their current business and started their business in the new place. Complicating factor: have 1 year old. I'm looking for encouragement or tips for how to deal with anxiety about leaving and then how to deal in the new place. Thanks.
But now reality is setting in and I'm realizing I will be in a not-first-world country with sub-optimal climate for me (it is cold, snowy, and landlocked while i am crazy about the beach) for some indefinite time. I also feel like I am detonating my current life and will have limited opportunities to start over. I will need to learn the language literally and figuratively. Turning back at this point would be analogous to divorce as my partner has already sold off their current business and started their business in the new place. Complicating factor: have 1 year old. I'm looking for encouragement or tips for how to deal with anxiety about leaving and then how to deal in the new place. Thanks.
Oh and do you have a sense of how long this expat-ism would last? Until child is school-aged? Until child is older? Forever?
posted by pammeke at 11:00 AM on April 11, 2018
posted by pammeke at 11:00 AM on April 11, 2018
Response by poster: Russia about 5-6 hours east of Moscow along the Volga. Travel budget would be 5-6k per year. Would last at least a few (3-5 minimum) years.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:07 AM on April 11, 2018
posted by WeekendJen at 11:07 AM on April 11, 2018
Having an end point is really critical for trailing spouses, or at least knowing that you (you personally, not just you plural) have equal input into that end point. Perhaps a conversation with your spouse about what your Plan B is---what if he hates it, you don't; you hate it, he doesn't; the political situation changes; extended family dynamics/health change, finances change, etc.? How long will you give it a go? How will you know Plan A is working? (Be specific.) What are the signs Plan A is not working? (Again....be specific.) Having this conversation is good anyway.
Having a kid can be a plus (easier to meet new people) and also a minus (you're less carefree and it can feel like you're a single parent if working parent is traveling a lot). But my guess is that as long as you can find some way to make the time personally rewarding (are you a writer? budding artist? always wanted to learn something? start a remote-friendly business?) that you'll look back on the time as a grand adventure.
posted by cocoagirl at 11:27 AM on April 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
Having a kid can be a plus (easier to meet new people) and also a minus (you're less carefree and it can feel like you're a single parent if working parent is traveling a lot). But my guess is that as long as you can find some way to make the time personally rewarding (are you a writer? budding artist? always wanted to learn something? start a remote-friendly business?) that you'll look back on the time as a grand adventure.
posted by cocoagirl at 11:27 AM on April 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
Start a practice now, something that includes exercise, breathing, and meditation. This will be something that will help you reconnect daily to yourself and your purpose no matter where you are. It is something you can use as a tool during tough times.
I'm all about kundalini yoga because it is so easy and effective. I know a teacher named Guru Singh has classes people all over the world tune into over facebook live (pretty sure it's fb) because I've been in those classes. Let me recommend a woman named Guru Jagat and Ra Ma tv on youtube, ustream - the Ra Ma Yoga Institute is in Venice Beach ( I think there's another in NYC?) Guru Jagat has a great podcast, just google the name.
My favorite teacher Aimee Bello also has stuff available online, although she'll be taking time off soon to have her first child. She's super amazing.
---
I mean, you can pick anything that provides scaffolding for your life. I have a dear friend with a demanding corporate job who is really into baking. It works for her. I need something a little extra. Many years ago when I was an expat, I visited the family home of a friend in the country I was living in. Her mom had a daily yoga practice every morning, just fifteen minutes or so, and that really stuck with me. Now I'm a mom and my daily practice is sometimes the only thing holding me together (I'm joking, but kinda not. My life is 1000x better now that I found a practice I can incorporate more easily into my life today because daily hiking became impossible at a certain point. When I think about where my life might be today if I had not found a new practice *shudders.* The last time I lived abroad, I wish I had adhered to a practice. It would have made all the difference. Anywho...)
---
These are things that worked for me, and things that would have worked better for me had I done them way back when. Find your thing that fills the same role. It's going to be your life raft and the building blocks for your new adventure.
The good news is your child is prime age to learn a second language, the vocal cords are still malleable. It's excellent for cognitive development. Even the super cold weather can be therapeutic.
This is my best advice based on past successes and mistakes. Be great! What an adventure! BREATHE.
posted by jbenben at 11:33 AM on April 11, 2018 [8 favorites]
I'm all about kundalini yoga because it is so easy and effective. I know a teacher named Guru Singh has classes people all over the world tune into over facebook live (pretty sure it's fb) because I've been in those classes. Let me recommend a woman named Guru Jagat and Ra Ma tv on youtube, ustream - the Ra Ma Yoga Institute is in Venice Beach ( I think there's another in NYC?) Guru Jagat has a great podcast, just google the name.
My favorite teacher Aimee Bello also has stuff available online, although she'll be taking time off soon to have her first child. She's super amazing.
---
I mean, you can pick anything that provides scaffolding for your life. I have a dear friend with a demanding corporate job who is really into baking. It works for her. I need something a little extra. Many years ago when I was an expat, I visited the family home of a friend in the country I was living in. Her mom had a daily yoga practice every morning, just fifteen minutes or so, and that really stuck with me. Now I'm a mom and my daily practice is sometimes the only thing holding me together (I'm joking, but kinda not. My life is 1000x better now that I found a practice I can incorporate more easily into my life today because daily hiking became impossible at a certain point. When I think about where my life might be today if I had not found a new practice *shudders.* The last time I lived abroad, I wish I had adhered to a practice. It would have made all the difference. Anywho...)
---
These are things that worked for me, and things that would have worked better for me had I done them way back when. Find your thing that fills the same role. It's going to be your life raft and the building blocks for your new adventure.
The good news is your child is prime age to learn a second language, the vocal cords are still malleable. It's excellent for cognitive development. Even the super cold weather can be therapeutic.
This is my best advice based on past successes and mistakes. Be great! What an adventure! BREATHE.
posted by jbenben at 11:33 AM on April 11, 2018 [8 favorites]
OK. So it sounds as if you location would be relatively (or completely) rural. So online expat communities (for example: online expat mom communities, online expat Americans in Russia communities, etc) are your friends. Here are some examples to get you started:
Expatica, which kept my sanity when I was abroad and has a Russian site
Expat Info Desk
Expat Arrivals
Expat Moms
Your travel budget should be sufficient to get you a few beach holidays each year, particularly if you can focus family time on these trips (if your American family is willing to book beach holidays to meet you in Florida, Spain, etc).
Getting on the same page regarding return date is key. Every happy parent-couple I know made agreements based upon firm deadlines: when the child is old enough for Kindergarten we go home, or we do this for 5 years then we go home home, or some similar structure on which you both agree. In my opinion, you should both be thinking about what is best for 1) your family, 2) your child, 3) each other, and lastly 4) the business.
posted by pammeke at 12:11 PM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Expatica, which kept my sanity when I was abroad and has a Russian site
Expat Info Desk
Expat Arrivals
Expat Moms
Your travel budget should be sufficient to get you a few beach holidays each year, particularly if you can focus family time on these trips (if your American family is willing to book beach holidays to meet you in Florida, Spain, etc).
Getting on the same page regarding return date is key. Every happy parent-couple I know made agreements based upon firm deadlines: when the child is old enough for Kindergarten we go home, or we do this for 5 years then we go home home, or some similar structure on which you both agree. In my opinion, you should both be thinking about what is best for 1) your family, 2) your child, 3) each other, and lastly 4) the business.
posted by pammeke at 12:11 PM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
And, not beach, but the Volga looks lovely in the summer months.
posted by pammeke at 12:13 PM on April 11, 2018
posted by pammeke at 12:13 PM on April 11, 2018
I've done this several times and while it's always an awesome adventure, the first few months I also have the kind of panic and fear that you are describing — you are detonating your life, giving up everything that is comfortable, youre going to have to start over from scratch, etc.
In all the times we'v moved, I've never once had trouble starting over. I did sometimes have a longer adjustment period, so it's important to me to get some routines in place BEFORE the move that can give me a sense of normalcy afterwards. My latest move, from Houston to Europe, was haoppening at the height of the refugee crisis, so while I was felling real sorry for myself about having to get rid of my possesions and saying goodbye to all my friends, I was also extremely mindful that I was making a choice to do so and that many people have to do that out of neccessity and in literal life and death situations. It helps put everything in perspective.
Many trailing spouses I know have used the "downtime" as an opportunity to have a child — you already have one, so you'll be able to spend your kids toddler years with them. Isolation, however, is a real concern, espcially if you'll be somehwre rural, so make sure you try to leave the house at least once a day and that you get involved with some kind of community, whether it be volunteering or an expat's group or a fitness class or something where you can meet people and have some face to face interaction.
posted by Brittanie at 12:35 PM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
In all the times we'v moved, I've never once had trouble starting over. I did sometimes have a longer adjustment period, so it's important to me to get some routines in place BEFORE the move that can give me a sense of normalcy afterwards. My latest move, from Houston to Europe, was haoppening at the height of the refugee crisis, so while I was felling real sorry for myself about having to get rid of my possesions and saying goodbye to all my friends, I was also extremely mindful that I was making a choice to do so and that many people have to do that out of neccessity and in literal life and death situations. It helps put everything in perspective.
Many trailing spouses I know have used the "downtime" as an opportunity to have a child — you already have one, so you'll be able to spend your kids toddler years with them. Isolation, however, is a real concern, espcially if you'll be somehwre rural, so make sure you try to leave the house at least once a day and that you get involved with some kind of community, whether it be volunteering or an expat's group or a fitness class or something where you can meet people and have some face to face interaction.
posted by Brittanie at 12:35 PM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Turning back at this point would be analogous to divorce as my partner has already sold off their current business and started their business in the new place.
I'm not saying that it would be a good idea to change plans now, but it IS an option. Don't fall for some sunk cost fallacy that this is the only path your life can take right now and for the foreseeable future. Because I think if I was in a situation where I felt I had no other choices I would probably resent the only choice offered to me, even if I had initially been excited. You ALWAYS have choices. You can choose now not to go and you and your partner can decide how to transition them back to where you are. You can go, decide it isn't working out and chose to leave (with or without your partner). You can go, have another opportunity fall into your lap six months from now and choose to follow it. It is like your life is a choose-your-own-adventure book with you choosing which pages to turn to!
Giving up your agency is a huge thing and very demoralising.
posted by saucysault at 1:01 PM on April 11, 2018 [16 favorites]
I'm not saying that it would be a good idea to change plans now, but it IS an option. Don't fall for some sunk cost fallacy that this is the only path your life can take right now and for the foreseeable future. Because I think if I was in a situation where I felt I had no other choices I would probably resent the only choice offered to me, even if I had initially been excited. You ALWAYS have choices. You can choose now not to go and you and your partner can decide how to transition them back to where you are. You can go, decide it isn't working out and chose to leave (with or without your partner). You can go, have another opportunity fall into your lap six months from now and choose to follow it. It is like your life is a choose-your-own-adventure book with you choosing which pages to turn to!
Giving up your agency is a huge thing and very demoralising.
posted by saucysault at 1:01 PM on April 11, 2018 [16 favorites]
This is where partnered communication needs to be at its strongest. I don't know what kind of communication you had when all of these decisions were made, but right now you need to be communicating these feelings to your partner and working together on ways that you will be able to make it workable.
A few specific similar conversations I've had as a trailing spouse that I found useful:
- How busy is your business going to be when we get there? Will you be working 90 hour weeks leaving me alone in a country whose language I don't understand for days on end?
- Starting a business is stressful - what is your plan for managing your responsibilities as a spouse, a parent, and a business owner in this new place? Are you aware that my emotional needs will likely be higher given I will know no one in this place?
- Will you be taking over child care for 2-3 days a few times a year so that I can travel somewhere with a beach from time to time? Specifically when will the first of those times be?
- What do you think is a reasonable timeframe for me to come back and say I've given it a shot and I really want to move back? What is our exit strategy going to be?
With these answers, you may have a more concrete understanding of what life will look like and at least a vague understanding of when you'll see a beach again. I wonder if that might help your anxiety to have some of those unknowns known.
posted by notorious medium at 1:14 PM on April 11, 2018 [9 favorites]
A few specific similar conversations I've had as a trailing spouse that I found useful:
- How busy is your business going to be when we get there? Will you be working 90 hour weeks leaving me alone in a country whose language I don't understand for days on end?
- Starting a business is stressful - what is your plan for managing your responsibilities as a spouse, a parent, and a business owner in this new place? Are you aware that my emotional needs will likely be higher given I will know no one in this place?
- Will you be taking over child care for 2-3 days a few times a year so that I can travel somewhere with a beach from time to time? Specifically when will the first of those times be?
- What do you think is a reasonable timeframe for me to come back and say I've given it a shot and I really want to move back? What is our exit strategy going to be?
With these answers, you may have a more concrete understanding of what life will look like and at least a vague understanding of when you'll see a beach again. I wonder if that might help your anxiety to have some of those unknowns known.
posted by notorious medium at 1:14 PM on April 11, 2018 [9 favorites]
Yes, the anxiety is real, but so is your ability to make decisions. You will continue to be yourself in Volga, with the same critical thinking and decision-making skills. I have felt what you described and I’ve had to remind myself that I’m not trapped - I’m choosing something that is making me uncomfortable at first, but I’m able to change my mind if I need to. You ALWAYS have a choice. If it helps and is possible, carve out financial resources (eg a $10k “fuck this!” fund) that helps you feel comfortable that you could choose something else if needed. You likely won’t need to use it, but will feel better knowing you have a backup.
posted by samthemander at 6:06 PM on April 11, 2018
posted by samthemander at 6:06 PM on April 11, 2018
I can't speak to the "should I move" question, but if you're talking about Nizhny Novgorod, there was a pretty active expat community when a friend of mine lived there. I think it's still the third largest city in Russia, and even 20 years ago, it didn't feel as "not-first-world" as I would have expected.
posted by HortonHearsWhat? at 7:02 PM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by HortonHearsWhat? at 7:02 PM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Tell your partner about these fears without bringing up divorce, without saying you will absolutely not move no matter what, and come up with good compromises, reassurances, and workarounds together. How much will they support you, will they be around, what are you as a couple doing to compensate you for you giving up or at least massively diminishing your career prospects for the next 3-5 years, when will your vacations and weekends and time off be, etc.
If you cannot talk to them about all this, then I put it to you that divorce is far and away the best option. Do not give up your whole life and move to a new country to benefit the business concerns of a spouse whom you cannot even expect this basic level of support from. What you're doing for him vs. what you expect him to do for you is completely out of whack, you know?
posted by MiraK at 12:12 AM on April 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
If you cannot talk to them about all this, then I put it to you that divorce is far and away the best option. Do not give up your whole life and move to a new country to benefit the business concerns of a spouse whom you cannot even expect this basic level of support from. What you're doing for him vs. what you expect him to do for you is completely out of whack, you know?
posted by MiraK at 12:12 AM on April 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
I second the advice to make sure you make a plan with your spouse for how long you intend to stay and how you will handle things if one of you decides to move back/away from your new location. Putting this agreement in writing, even informally, is a good idea, especially since you have a child.
posted by ElizaMain at 3:02 AM on April 12, 2018
posted by ElizaMain at 3:02 AM on April 12, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by pammeke at 10:59 AM on April 11, 2018