Helping a friend who’s a father-to-be
April 7, 2018 6:56 PM Subscribe
How can my friend come to terms with having an unexpected baby with his ex?
I have a male friend in his early twenties (J). J had been casually seeing a woman (S) for a few weeks before amicably ending things. She soon informed him that she suspected she was pregnant, and after multiple pregnancy tests and two doctor visits to confirm it, S is indeed bonafide pregnant. She is currently 5 weeks into the pregnancy.
S wants to keep the baby. She loves children and has strong moral beliefs against abortion, not to mention that she comes from a conservative religious background (as does my friend). My friend does not want the baby. He has been supportive of S while also voicing his concerns and reservations about having an unplanned child in this situation, but he recognises that ultimately it’s her decision to have the baby or not. It’s basically 99% guaranteed that she will keep it.
My friend feels trapped. He imagined that his first child would be a planned one with someone he loved and was in a solid relationship with, where’d he’d be fully involved in the pregnancy and raising of the child. Instead, S, who is a foreigner here (in Australia), will most likely go back to her home country and raise the child on her own, hopefully with the support of her family. Giving birth here would be exorbitantly expensive for a non-citizen and she was always only temporarily here to study anyway. My friend is pretty isolated from his family; they are staunchly conservative, to the point where there is a real risk of them disowning him entirely once he tells them he’s having a child out of wedlock. They already have a huge problem with him ‘possibly’ casually dating in the first place…
How can I help my friend come to terms with this life-changing event? Do you have any experience, anecdotes to share, recommended books or resources for reluctant fathers in this situation? I want to emphasise that my friend is willing to do whatever he can to support the child and be a presence in the child’s life. But my friend is also young and his feelings are quite ambivalent. There’s a bit of resentment on his part towards his ex for keeping the child, as well as guilt over deep down not really wanting to have an unplanned baby at all. He is afraid that he will not love the child as a child should be loved and that it will show. But he most adamantly doesn't want to be an absentee father. He is understandably overwhelmed at the situation and unfortunately I’m not much help, not having children of my own or any sort of parenting instinct whatsoever.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I have a male friend in his early twenties (J). J had been casually seeing a woman (S) for a few weeks before amicably ending things. She soon informed him that she suspected she was pregnant, and after multiple pregnancy tests and two doctor visits to confirm it, S is indeed bonafide pregnant. She is currently 5 weeks into the pregnancy.
S wants to keep the baby. She loves children and has strong moral beliefs against abortion, not to mention that she comes from a conservative religious background (as does my friend). My friend does not want the baby. He has been supportive of S while also voicing his concerns and reservations about having an unplanned child in this situation, but he recognises that ultimately it’s her decision to have the baby or not. It’s basically 99% guaranteed that she will keep it.
My friend feels trapped. He imagined that his first child would be a planned one with someone he loved and was in a solid relationship with, where’d he’d be fully involved in the pregnancy and raising of the child. Instead, S, who is a foreigner here (in Australia), will most likely go back to her home country and raise the child on her own, hopefully with the support of her family. Giving birth here would be exorbitantly expensive for a non-citizen and she was always only temporarily here to study anyway. My friend is pretty isolated from his family; they are staunchly conservative, to the point where there is a real risk of them disowning him entirely once he tells them he’s having a child out of wedlock. They already have a huge problem with him ‘possibly’ casually dating in the first place…
How can I help my friend come to terms with this life-changing event? Do you have any experience, anecdotes to share, recommended books or resources for reluctant fathers in this situation? I want to emphasise that my friend is willing to do whatever he can to support the child and be a presence in the child’s life. But my friend is also young and his feelings are quite ambivalent. There’s a bit of resentment on his part towards his ex for keeping the child, as well as guilt over deep down not really wanting to have an unplanned baby at all. He is afraid that he will not love the child as a child should be loved and that it will show. But he most adamantly doesn't want to be an absentee father. He is understandably overwhelmed at the situation and unfortunately I’m not much help, not having children of my own or any sort of parenting instinct whatsoever.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
But he most adamantly doesn't want to be an absentee father.
Well, if that's the case he needs to focus pretty much 100% on moving to S's home country and not being one, full stop, he can get a therapist for his sadfeels and parenting coaching later. But, realistically, the likely outcome here is that he will not be in much or any of this child's life unless he is willing to do a lot of hard big boy work, which...some guys step up, sure, but this one seems uncertain on how babies are made so he's starting from a pretty severe deficit.
And realistically, if S doesn't want him complicating this, he should probably do what she wants instead of interfering with her family support. I've known so many women whose lives were not so much burdened by the unexpected child but the child's father's ego and pride and vengeance. I think you should encourage him to think about the Actual Big Picture, a real human being and its best interests, rather than his own embarrassment or shunning or failures. The time for his concerns about his ideal parenthood situation was six or seven weeks ago. Encourage him to cooperate, and to explore all avenues of support even if they don't center or benefit him.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:32 PM on April 7, 2018 [39 favorites]
Well, if that's the case he needs to focus pretty much 100% on moving to S's home country and not being one, full stop, he can get a therapist for his sadfeels and parenting coaching later. But, realistically, the likely outcome here is that he will not be in much or any of this child's life unless he is willing to do a lot of hard big boy work, which...some guys step up, sure, but this one seems uncertain on how babies are made so he's starting from a pretty severe deficit.
And realistically, if S doesn't want him complicating this, he should probably do what she wants instead of interfering with her family support. I've known so many women whose lives were not so much burdened by the unexpected child but the child's father's ego and pride and vengeance. I think you should encourage him to think about the Actual Big Picture, a real human being and its best interests, rather than his own embarrassment or shunning or failures. The time for his concerns about his ideal parenthood situation was six or seven weeks ago. Encourage him to cooperate, and to explore all avenues of support even if they don't center or benefit him.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:32 PM on April 7, 2018 [39 favorites]
it may help your friend to think through what he is prepared to do to be involved in the child's life, and start planning. the main question is, is he prepared to move to the mother's country forever? for a year? annually for four weeks? never? then, how much time does the mother want? can they negotiate an amount of time agreeable to both? also, spending some time in her country (even if not with her) will help him understand the context the child is growing up in, and bring him closer to it over the long term.
I don't know how to deal with the resentment, but please try to help him move past it, for his sake. I went on a date with a man who was in your friend's position except six months after she lost the baby, and the resentment he still held towards her for "being prepared to ruin his life by keeping it" meant I was out of there quick smart. (I have more sympathy for your friend in his early twenties than this guy who was in his mid thirties.) this might not be how he wanted his life to turn out, but he wants to be able to look back in a decade and be proud of the way he stepped up.
posted by trotzdem_kunst at 8:08 PM on April 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
I don't know how to deal with the resentment, but please try to help him move past it, for his sake. I went on a date with a man who was in your friend's position except six months after she lost the baby, and the resentment he still held towards her for "being prepared to ruin his life by keeping it" meant I was out of there quick smart. (I have more sympathy for your friend in his early twenties than this guy who was in his mid thirties.) this might not be how he wanted his life to turn out, but he wants to be able to look back in a decade and be proud of the way he stepped up.
posted by trotzdem_kunst at 8:08 PM on April 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
If this were him posing the question, I’d tell him that life is often what happens when you’re making other plans. This is obviously a huge development but focusing on what his imaginary ideal life should be isn’t going to help anyone right now. So rather than letting himself stew in resentment he should try to focus on what he wants and what his responsibilities are in this timeline. What kind of a man will he choose to become?
So —
He probably needs to both start understanding what his legal responsibilities are in her country as well as really deeply decide what his own moral responsibilities are. What support does the expecting mum desire? Is he going to pay for prenatal vitamins, care, etc. would be a good step one.
Step two, he needs to figure out how he will fund child support and this is where he may want to consult a lawyer, to get a good handle on the minimum expectation.
Step three he will need to think through the overseas logistics, with her. Eventually, will he be there for the birth/newborn/etc. time period?
I think he does not have to worry that he won’t love the baby.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:39 PM on April 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
So —
He probably needs to both start understanding what his legal responsibilities are in her country as well as really deeply decide what his own moral responsibilities are. What support does the expecting mum desire? Is he going to pay for prenatal vitamins, care, etc. would be a good step one.
Step two, he needs to figure out how he will fund child support and this is where he may want to consult a lawyer, to get a good handle on the minimum expectation.
Step three he will need to think through the overseas logistics, with her. Eventually, will he be there for the birth/newborn/etc. time period?
I think he does not have to worry that he won’t love the baby.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:39 PM on April 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
Lawyer to find out about his rights and responsibilities. Paternity test after the child is born.
I have no other resources, but I would not skip these two steps, however uncomfortable they may be.
posted by jbenben at 11:16 PM on April 7, 2018 [19 favorites]
I have no other resources, but I would not skip these two steps, however uncomfortable they may be.
posted by jbenben at 11:16 PM on April 7, 2018 [19 favorites]
He could offer to partner enough with her for her to get Australian residency and Medicare and the kid could have a chance to bond with and be supported by his family. It could be a partnership of convenience that suits the child’s best interests and gives them choices.
But he’d have to grow up and put the child first not his very immature and self focused dream.
posted by taff at 2:37 AM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
But he’d have to grow up and put the child first not his very immature and self focused dream.
posted by taff at 2:37 AM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
If she does move back to her home country then he may not be able to follow her, no matter how much we wants or doesn't want to if visa and work issues prove insurmountable. In those circumstances being a good mostly absentee father is the best that J might be able to do.
If S does want to stay in Australia, then they need to investigate whether or not she can get Australian residency under achievable circumstances. He could offer to make that happen, but only if it can actually be done.
A lot depends in practice on whether or not S wants him to be in her life on an ongoing basis. There's an excellent chance that she doesn't, particularly if J is ambivalent about the baby during pregnancy. Some people move heaven and earth to keep a child's other parent involved (whether or not they should) but others move heaven and earth to keep a child's other parent away. And it's yet another thing within J's control.
As for what you should do, remember that this is a difficult situation, and while J should 'man up' what he actually does is more important than what he vents about to you in the short term. Be supportive and avoid being non-judgemental about his feelings at this stage. Maybe he does indeed have to grow up a bit, but I fail to see why his friend would hold that against him instead of supporting him to do so.
posted by plonkee at 3:31 AM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
If S does want to stay in Australia, then they need to investigate whether or not she can get Australian residency under achievable circumstances. He could offer to make that happen, but only if it can actually be done.
A lot depends in practice on whether or not S wants him to be in her life on an ongoing basis. There's an excellent chance that she doesn't, particularly if J is ambivalent about the baby during pregnancy. Some people move heaven and earth to keep a child's other parent involved (whether or not they should) but others move heaven and earth to keep a child's other parent away. And it's yet another thing within J's control.
As for what you should do, remember that this is a difficult situation, and while J should 'man up' what he actually does is more important than what he vents about to you in the short term. Be supportive and avoid being non-judgemental about his feelings at this stage. Maybe he does indeed have to grow up a bit, but I fail to see why his friend would hold that against him instead of supporting him to do so.
posted by plonkee at 3:31 AM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
There's a lot to unpack here, so first I'm going to correct one very important factual, no nuance issue:
I would also definitely encourage him to make sure that the child gets Australian citizenship, both because it's a symbol of stepping up to the plate and saying “whatever happens to my relationship with this child, even if I don't get to raise them, I will never deny the responsibility that I have to them”, and also because the child may well choose the extra opportunities that being Australian gives them.
Make it clear to him that the situation is now non-negotiable. Turn him around from thinking about whether the child should be born by asking him how he's going to find 17c out of every $1 he earns for the next 18 years.
And then once you've told him to reconcile himself to his obligations, then you can work out how to non-intrusively tell the mother that he will meet his obligations without complaint or expectation of anything in return.
After that, he can look at all the benefits of at the very least knowing that he's an honourable person who follows through on commitments made no matter how inadvertently, no matter what the reward is. (The commitment to follow through on whatever the mother chooses about giving birth to or raising a child is made the instant a man chooses to have penetrative sex. It's sad, but quite usual that he didn't realise that.) At the very best, he gets a relationship with a child, and a lifelong alliance/friendship with the child's mother. Either way, these are actually very good and strong foundations to build a life on.
Reading back (and seeing that I wrote a lot), it seems that I didn't really address the guilt about being an absentee father issues of the last paragraph. The core issue would seem to be that he's go a false dichotomy between the 2 options
posted by ambrosen at 6:50 AM on April 8, 2018 [13 favorites]
Giving birth here would be exorbitantly expensive for a non-citizen and she was always only temporarily here to study anyway.Assuming the mother (and I'll call her the mother because that's a relationship she's chosen to take, and it's her most important relationship in terms of this situation) is studying in Australia legally, she's obliged to have health insurance which covers everything that Medicare does. She is definitely entitled to be aware of that before she makes a decision on whether to continue her studies in Australia. She has already paid every cent she needs in order to give birth in Australia.
I would also definitely encourage him to make sure that the child gets Australian citizenship, both because it's a symbol of stepping up to the plate and saying “whatever happens to my relationship with this child, even if I don't get to raise them, I will never deny the responsibility that I have to them”, and also because the child may well choose the extra opportunities that being Australian gives them.
Make it clear to him that the situation is now non-negotiable. Turn him around from thinking about whether the child should be born by asking him how he's going to find 17c out of every $1 he earns for the next 18 years.
And then once you've told him to reconcile himself to his obligations, then you can work out how to non-intrusively tell the mother that he will meet his obligations without complaint or expectation of anything in return.
After that, he can look at all the benefits of at the very least knowing that he's an honourable person who follows through on commitments made no matter how inadvertently, no matter what the reward is. (The commitment to follow through on whatever the mother chooses about giving birth to or raising a child is made the instant a man chooses to have penetrative sex. It's sad, but quite usual that he didn't realise that.) At the very best, he gets a relationship with a child, and a lifelong alliance/friendship with the child's mother. Either way, these are actually very good and strong foundations to build a life on.
Reading back (and seeing that I wrote a lot), it seems that I didn't really address the guilt about being an absentee father issues of the last paragraph. The core issue would seem to be that he's go a false dichotomy between the 2 options
- being an absentee father and
- being a suburban paterfamilias with 2.4 children, a lawn, a pool and a dog
posted by ambrosen at 6:50 AM on April 8, 2018 [13 favorites]
I am surprised to find some of the answers here rather unkind to this young man. Many early-20-something women finding themselves unexpectedly pregnant are also not happy about the prospect of a suddenly derailed independent life. I can't imagine people telling them to put their big girl pants on, they chose to have sex, they'd better not be selfish and think only of the child, and disrupt all their plans and move to another country where perhaps they could not work or speak the language because that's where the father lives. Just because it's not his body and therefore he doesn't have the right to choose doesn't mean he isn't allowed to have a period of freaking out. His own young life matters too, just as much as the mother's does, and she has choices he doesn't. The OP stresses that he WILL do whatever it takes to be a responsible father but he feels trapped. This sounds honest.
OP, I think your friend should be encouraged to treat his feelings about this major shift with great respect, and perhaps to see a counselor. Yes, he is going to have to step up for his responsibilities. But your question does not suggest he won't do that. Your questions suggests you want to help him deal with his feelings about his own life changing and the lack of control he feels about it.
He deserves empathy, and to be reminded that within this scenario, even with doing the right thing, he still does have choices. He and the mother are going to have to work things out together to do what's best for the child *and* for each of them. Absolutely every parent considers balances between their own needs and their kids' needs -- women work long hours because we care about our careers even if our kids miss us, families move away from kids' networks because they are in the military, whatever. It all is part of making life work.
He should definitely be encouraged to look at life as having more than one path. Ambrosen's script above is perfect. He can be an involved, responsible father with different sorts of connections to the mother. I know someone in a similar situation where the child spent summers with the dad in his country and then at age 8 decided to live with the dad full time and spend summers back in the mother's country with her. He is a very happy 12 year old now.
People have sex. Sometimes unplanned pregnancy results. We all know this, but we still have sex, because that's what we people-mammals do. No one has to be shamed or punished.
posted by velveeta underground at 7:06 AM on April 8, 2018 [48 favorites]
OP, I think your friend should be encouraged to treat his feelings about this major shift with great respect, and perhaps to see a counselor. Yes, he is going to have to step up for his responsibilities. But your question does not suggest he won't do that. Your questions suggests you want to help him deal with his feelings about his own life changing and the lack of control he feels about it.
He deserves empathy, and to be reminded that within this scenario, even with doing the right thing, he still does have choices. He and the mother are going to have to work things out together to do what's best for the child *and* for each of them. Absolutely every parent considers balances between their own needs and their kids' needs -- women work long hours because we care about our careers even if our kids miss us, families move away from kids' networks because they are in the military, whatever. It all is part of making life work.
He should definitely be encouraged to look at life as having more than one path. Ambrosen's script above is perfect. He can be an involved, responsible father with different sorts of connections to the mother. I know someone in a similar situation where the child spent summers with the dad in his country and then at age 8 decided to live with the dad full time and spend summers back in the mother's country with her. He is a very happy 12 year old now.
People have sex. Sometimes unplanned pregnancy results. We all know this, but we still have sex, because that's what we people-mammals do. No one has to be shamed or punished.
posted by velveeta underground at 7:06 AM on April 8, 2018 [48 favorites]
Yes, definitely get a handle on the legal and financial ramifications. But also, what if he sits for a while and imagines this as a story told by the kid, 20 years from now? The kid is, after all, the only one who has zero say in this situation right now. What would a middling-okay story be? "My dad was not in the picture much, but he cared enough to make sure I had..." What?
posted by BibiRose at 8:53 AM on April 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 8:53 AM on April 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
Tell him it's normal to feel shock, confusion, and worry, and also to have conflicting feelings about being a father. This is a very big deal and a complicated situation, and it would be weird if he weren't having those feelings. It's okay to feel resentful, too... though not towards any person, just at the magnitude of what's going on and the uncertainty. The baby probably seems like an abstraction to him now, and he doesn't have any control over what S will do. Plus he has fears about how his family will react.
All the above is fine...as a step along the path to acceptance and doing the right thing. When you talk with your friend, you can say that fairly soon things will become real to him as S makes her decisions about where to give birth and where she and the child will live. But right now he can't do or decide anything. You can offer empathy about that.
Validate his feelings, even if you strongly dislike some of the things he's thinking. I think that's the best way to give him time and space to get used to this unexpected reality, and hopefully stop thinking about himself.
posted by wryly at 9:43 AM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
All the above is fine...as a step along the path to acceptance and doing the right thing. When you talk with your friend, you can say that fairly soon things will become real to him as S makes her decisions about where to give birth and where she and the child will live. But right now he can't do or decide anything. You can offer empathy about that.
Validate his feelings, even if you strongly dislike some of the things he's thinking. I think that's the best way to give him time and space to get used to this unexpected reality, and hopefully stop thinking about himself.
posted by wryly at 9:43 AM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Some people in this thread seem to think you're a bad person for not having put on a condom.
In Dutch they'd say long ago about unmarried mothers een moment van onoplettendheid, een leven lang spijt.
It's somewhat similar about unmarried fathers I'd say.
Although spijt wouldn't be the right word at all. Maybe verscheurdheid.
Let me share this piece of lived experience.
A little person depending on you will be the best thing and the worst thing ever. The best because you'll quite possibly love him/her with this immense intensity you never knew. And you'll support his/her mother regardless of her personal qualities because of that.
The worst because you'll quite possibly won't be a major part of his/her life.
I wish you fortitude and kindness.
posted by jouke at 10:15 AM on April 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
In Dutch they'd say long ago about unmarried mothers een moment van onoplettendheid, een leven lang spijt.
It's somewhat similar about unmarried fathers I'd say.
Although spijt wouldn't be the right word at all. Maybe verscheurdheid.
Let me share this piece of lived experience.
A little person depending on you will be the best thing and the worst thing ever. The best because you'll quite possibly love him/her with this immense intensity you never knew. And you'll support his/her mother regardless of her personal qualities because of that.
The worst because you'll quite possibly won't be a major part of his/her life.
I wish you fortitude and kindness.
posted by jouke at 10:15 AM on April 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Given that he's considering being involved (which for what it's worth I think is always the right choice), it would probably be wise to do a prenatal paternity test.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:34 AM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:34 AM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
I would encourage him to read about the experiences of single mothers-- doing pregnancy without a partner, going through childbirth without a partner, having a brand new infant without a partner. Some men in your friend's position think that a woman who decides to have a baby under these circumstances is "getting what she wanted", and the way that you describe his tendency toward resentment makes me worried that he is one of these men. I think he should try his best to understand the context of what she is facing. Since he's struggling with feelings of resentment toward her, I think cultivating empathy for what she's facing will help him to balance out his conflicting emotions.
You say that he feels trapped, even though the woman is likely leaving the country, which sounds like he is being tacitly freed from all obligations (except possibly financial). He's not being pressured to marry her or be a full-time father, based on what you've written here. It seems like he feels "trapped", but what he's actually going through is the sudden re-evaluation of who he is and what his future looks like, which is something else entirely. There are a lot of men from conservative religious communities who take some time out in their twenties to have casual sex and sow their wild oats, and then eventually they find someone they consider "wife material" and they go right back to the future their community had always wanted for them. From your friend's reactions, he sounds like someone who was possibly counting on this trajectory, and is stunned to find out that his wild oats are going to have lifelong consequences. This is not the same thing as being trapped, and he needs to work on processing this, most likely in therapy.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 10:35 AM on April 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
You say that he feels trapped, even though the woman is likely leaving the country, which sounds like he is being tacitly freed from all obligations (except possibly financial). He's not being pressured to marry her or be a full-time father, based on what you've written here. It seems like he feels "trapped", but what he's actually going through is the sudden re-evaluation of who he is and what his future looks like, which is something else entirely. There are a lot of men from conservative religious communities who take some time out in their twenties to have casual sex and sow their wild oats, and then eventually they find someone they consider "wife material" and they go right back to the future their community had always wanted for them. From your friend's reactions, he sounds like someone who was possibly counting on this trajectory, and is stunned to find out that his wild oats are going to have lifelong consequences. This is not the same thing as being trapped, and he needs to work on processing this, most likely in therapy.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 10:35 AM on April 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
He may well feel upset, trapped, resentful, etc., but he also had sex voluntarily as an adult. I presume he understands the facts of reproduction and contraception, including that no contraceptive method is 100% effective. Really, what else is there to say except to accept that there are sometimes unintended consequences to one's actions, and that being an adult means being responsible for one's actions and handling the consequences with integrity?
Blaming her is immature and selfish. They both voluntarily consented to sex. She will carry much more of the weighty consequences of the outcome--she's the one at most risk in every way, including censure from her family.
You ask what to do. Maybe empathize that this is a huge surprise and a big challenge to face, and support him as he faces the scary things like telling his family. But it'd be pretty shitty to affirm his resentment, because that's just him blaming his ex for a risk he knowingly undertook.
posted by Sublimity at 7:19 PM on April 7, 2018 [51 favorites]