But if I don't do it, who will?

March 29, 2018 2:55 PM

I'm back again and struggling with how to disconnect from my 72 year-old mentally ill alcoholic mother. I've come to the realization that my sense of "obligation" to my mother is what's preventing me from moving the hell on from her. But... I feel "obligated" to "take care of her" in some way or other, because *literally* no one else will.

My mom seems to lack the capability to do a lot of things for herself. My dad just did everything for her and, for example, today I took her to get her taxes done. But I realized that if I didn't take her to get her taxes done... she never would have done her taxes. I arrange a snow removal service for her, she never would have done that herself. I get her groceries, etc.

I worry that if something happened to the house, she wouldn't know what to do! She incessantly phones me when she ends up on the wrong setting on her fucking tv, what will she do if something more difficult happens? She didn't notice that the kitchen sink had a leak for almost a year! And when she did notice, she didn't do anything about it! I called the plumber myself.

This wouldn't be so frustrating if she wasn't so stubborn and admitted that she can't take care of herself and isn't fit to take care of a house, but whatever and there are A LOT of frustrating factors in this situation. I guess my question is, so if I just quit checking in on her one day and ride off in the sunset... what the fuck is going to happen to her? I know this is just me wanting to control her or try to control her, but I just don't know what to do in a practical sense? Can I HIRE someone to do these things for her so I don't have to do them, and if so, will it cost a fortune? And are these people even trustworthy?

I know I should go see some sort of lawyer about her, but I don't know what type of lawyer to see about this or even what I could ask them about the situation, or what they could reasonably assist me with. I really doubt that she'd be declared incompetent and I could force her to move into some sort of facility, but a girl can dream, can't she?

posted by modesty.blaise to Human Relations (12 answers total)

I don't know where you live, but most municipalities have a 211 info line where you can be connected to the services you need. There may also be a state or provincial number you can call or a seniors resource line. It really does sound like even a weekly visit would make a difference in this situation.
posted by Calzephyr at 3:09 PM on March 29, 2018 [1 favorite]

What you're talking about with the attorney and capacity is having her conserved, where you or some appointed person makes decisions for her. That's a thing, but that kind of capacity declaration is not a minor hurdle. And they'd almost certainly not be able to make her live in a facility because, insofar as I've dealt with these systems, they are guided by a principle of "least restrictive alternative."

One thing you can do if you want to feel you've taken an appropriate action but need to disengage is call Adult Protective Services and, I mean this neutrally, make it their problem. Depending on the worker and the state and other stuff, they may do very little, but the fact is you (and the state) can't make an adult take care of himself or herself if they don't want to.

One last thing: it seems possible that, contrary to your statement that you are afraid you want to control your mother, your mother is really controlling you by using her vulnerability to make sure you can't get any distance from her....or on the other hand perhaps she's just genuinely a mess and I'm reading stuff in.
posted by Smearcase at 3:16 PM on March 29, 2018 [4 favorites]

Oh but also, if she wants help, some places have in-home care services. I guess I can only speak to California, which has a program called In Home Support Services where, if you get Medicaid*, you are eligible to have the county pay for a certain number of hours where a person, someone known to you or someone who the county hooks you up with, comes to your house to do things related to "Activities of Daily Living" according to your need, as assessed by a social worker from the program. If you just want to know someone is looking in and will, say, find her if she's fallen, you can also look into programs like Meals on Wheels (though they tend to only go if the person is homebound) or Friendly Visitors. Again, depending on what's available where you are.

*oh, sorry, MediCAL, because everything has to have California in the name
posted by Smearcase at 3:20 PM on March 29, 2018 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Oh, I forgot to put my location! I live in Alberta, Canada! Sorry, hopefully that can allow for more location-specific advice for those pieces of the problem.
posted by modesty.blaise at 3:21 PM on March 29, 2018

Are we the same person?
This is a very difficult situation, and unless your mother is demented, there is very little you can do. For a while, I just gave up, and my mother lived like a bag-lady but with a home. It was terrible, but she refused to get any form of help, and I just felt she would drain the life out of me if I didn't let go.
Recently she has been hospitalized several times, and she has gradually accepted that she needs more help than I could ever provide even if I wanted to, and most importantly: that the help she is now getting has no interest in poking in her stuff or changing her habits. I think if there is a single thing you can do, it is to be upfront about the fact that she drinks and is strange, and it is OK, she still needs to be treated with dignity and carers know it. I can't say that was what I did, but as things got more and more crazy I realized that was what I perhaps could have done.
My mother started out with a food service, because she set her stove on fire and the police came and called the social services. That, and the multiple hospitalizations, started a process where she slowly became accustomed to the help and at this point she has food + a visit to help with medicine 3 times daily + a cleaning person. She actually prefers them to me now, because she can feel I am bothered, and while she still needs my help, it is not nearly the same burden.

One thing that has been a great relief is that all of the people I have met at the hospital or talked with on the phone from the municipality say in unison: this is more than any person can handle, I need to let professionals take over. Because sometimes I can feel some guilt for not being a good daughter, even as I don't feel I owe my mother anything.
posted by mumimor at 3:33 PM on March 29, 2018 [14 favorites]

Do you have any senior apartments by you? I did a lot of searching years ago for the right place for my grandmother and they can be great to iffy. She moved into a non profit one that was for older people in decent shape. She liked it there because there was a lot of social life. They had a commons area where they had euchre tournaments and watched sports. She had to move later to a place that had it's own dining hall that was for people that weren't in great health and didn't like it as well.
If you can talk to your mother about the advantages of not having to deal with home maintenance and always having people to hang out with, maybe she'd be willing to consider selling her home and using the money for rent. Most of the senior apartments have a manager for each building who check on the residents. If she's seriously drinking enough to act out, it might be a problem but if she's a happy sort of drinker it might be okay. One place I went to had a small bus that would take people to the grocery, mall and would swing by a local pub. I don't know what you have available by you but it might be worth checking into. At least that way you'd know she'd have someone keeping an eye on her.
posted by stray thoughts at 4:23 PM on March 29, 2018

Have you considered attending some Al-Anon meetings? What you have described sounds not so much about an elderly parent as about a relationship with an adult alcoholic. It is possible that the best thing for her is for you to detach and let her hit bottom so she can begin the recovery process.
posted by conrad53 at 4:58 PM on March 29, 2018 [3 favorites]

I seem to be recommending Reddit a lot lately, but you might want to wander over to r/JustNOmil. Moms, too, are acceptable subjects of discussion. They can help with both logisitics and the emotions you're dealing with.
posted by stormyteal at 5:15 PM on March 29, 2018 [1 favorite]

I think you need to have two conversations.

The first one with a social worker who can help you identify all the different types of resources available to your mother AND you. There are bound to be caregiver resources that can help you get some support. And for your mother you can start to figure out what the options are.

Then you need to find an eldercare lawyer who can talk to you and who can talk to your mom about the kinds of plans and agreements she wants in place as she ages. I've known several people with elderly parents who needed help and support, but wouldn't take it and having a neutral party who can walk you and your mom through various planning documents like getting power of attorney, medical directives, etc.. can make a very fraught subject manageable.

Good luck!
posted by brookeb at 5:50 PM on March 29, 2018 [2 favorites]

I think the social-workers term for her behaviour is learned helplessness- perhaps if you look into that you can find some resources on how to deal with it. Sorry I can’t be more help!
posted by EatMyHat at 8:02 PM on March 29, 2018

My situation wasn't nearly as dire but when I was having trouble with my mother I went to a discussion group/seminar hosted by the National Association of the Mentally Ill. As you might guess, "National" means United States, but when I searched for NAMI Alberta this page was the first result. They have a help line. I would call them and see what they say because they'll have info on local resources that we don't. 1-877-303-2642
posted by AFABulous at 7:21 AM on March 30, 2018 [3 favorites]

Regarding the lawyer aspect, you could hire an eldercare attorney to help you get guardianship/conservatorship. Here is some info about that. And some more.

Here is a lawyer referral service in your province. "Lawyers who participate in this service will provide the first half-hour of your consultation for free. It is during this time that you should discuss your legal situation and explore your options. You should also discuss what it may cost to have your legal work done and ask any other questions to determine if the lawyer is a good fit for you."
posted by purple_bird at 9:17 AM on March 30, 2018 [2 favorites]