Elementary teacher versus the bullies
March 28, 2018 6:35 AM Subscribe
Bullying has really ramped up with my second and third graders and I am struggling to know the appropriate action to take. I want the kids in my class to know that bullying is something I will not stand for, but there is obviously so much going on when I am not there. How should a primary school teacher respond to bullying? My classes are small so it is hard for the children not to interact with each other and to avoid his/her bully (which isn't the ideal soluation anyway).
Bullying overall has gotten worse lately but there is particularly one girl, Rachel, in my class who manipulates and intimidates the others. After spending the first part of the year spreading out her meanness towards everyone, she has lately focused on one particular target, Ophelia.
An example of her bullying: All six girls from the 2nd and 3rd grade classes are sitting together at lunch and she makes a list of her friends out loud, going down the line… “My best friends are Sally, Ashley, Janet, and Megan”, making a point to exclude Ophelia. I am eating lunch next to the girls and overhear everything. I do not intervene right way, but later in the day. I talk to both Rachel (the bully) and Ophelia (the target), separately and together. Rachel agrees she would not want someone to treat her the way she has been treating Ophelia, apologizes and says she is one of her best friends. For a day or so things are fine before her bullying continues.
In this particular case I think the bullying comes from a place of insecurity. Ophelia is the ideal student (bright, active participant in class, receives a lot of praise from teachers, excellent grades, gets along with everyone). Rachel struggles at school, both academically and behaviorally, but manages to have friends (often through manipulation).
This is not the only case of bullying and/or mean behavior in the class, but the most systematic and pronounced.
Things I have already done for this case and in general:
1) alerted parents of the bully and target of the problem either directly or through the principal (the principal is going to meet with the parents)
2) given praise when the bully does the right thing behaviorally and for her academic efforts in class
3) created lesson plans meant to foster compassion and empathy (this has definitely helped the kids stand up for each other when they hear or see a student being mean to another student! yay!)
4) check-in with the target(s) when I sense things are off, but I am often not a witness to the described incidents
Still, I feel like I am not doing enough to help my students. How can I be a reliable adult that my kids can count on to help them cope with bullying? How can I foster a safe class environment that actively fights bullying? What to do about bullying that is reported, but that I do not see and/or hear? My small private school has no resources to help me! Any advice for the specific case outlined or general anti-bullying advice would be helpful.
Bullying overall has gotten worse lately but there is particularly one girl, Rachel, in my class who manipulates and intimidates the others. After spending the first part of the year spreading out her meanness towards everyone, she has lately focused on one particular target, Ophelia.
An example of her bullying: All six girls from the 2nd and 3rd grade classes are sitting together at lunch and she makes a list of her friends out loud, going down the line… “My best friends are Sally, Ashley, Janet, and Megan”, making a point to exclude Ophelia. I am eating lunch next to the girls and overhear everything. I do not intervene right way, but later in the day. I talk to both Rachel (the bully) and Ophelia (the target), separately and together. Rachel agrees she would not want someone to treat her the way she has been treating Ophelia, apologizes and says she is one of her best friends. For a day or so things are fine before her bullying continues.
In this particular case I think the bullying comes from a place of insecurity. Ophelia is the ideal student (bright, active participant in class, receives a lot of praise from teachers, excellent grades, gets along with everyone). Rachel struggles at school, both academically and behaviorally, but manages to have friends (often through manipulation).
This is not the only case of bullying and/or mean behavior in the class, but the most systematic and pronounced.
Things I have already done for this case and in general:
1) alerted parents of the bully and target of the problem either directly or through the principal (the principal is going to meet with the parents)
2) given praise when the bully does the right thing behaviorally and for her academic efforts in class
3) created lesson plans meant to foster compassion and empathy (this has definitely helped the kids stand up for each other when they hear or see a student being mean to another student! yay!)
4) check-in with the target(s) when I sense things are off, but I am often not a witness to the described incidents
Still, I feel like I am not doing enough to help my students. How can I be a reliable adult that my kids can count on to help them cope with bullying? How can I foster a safe class environment that actively fights bullying? What to do about bullying that is reported, but that I do not see and/or hear? My small private school has no resources to help me! Any advice for the specific case outlined or general anti-bullying advice would be helpful.
In this case does it make sense to arrange for support for Rachel? If she’s acting out towards Ophelia’s bc she wants to be more successful academically but is struggling, perhaps she could level up with the right help. Or could learn to recognize and strengthen her other, non-academic gifts
posted by bunderful at 7:00 AM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by bunderful at 7:00 AM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
What do teachers and adults like about Rachel?
posted by amtho at 7:05 AM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by amtho at 7:05 AM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
I am eager to see responses here. I wish I had answers for you. As someone who was bullied throughout elementary & middle school (ages 5 - 13) and never felt I had anyone to turn to but the school nurse (who knew that my "I don't feel well" meant "please hide/protect me" and let me spend lunches and recesses in her office), thank you for noticing this, for wanting to do something about this, for doing what you are now, and for seeking other strategies. Thank you.
posted by pammeke at 7:09 AM on March 28, 2018 [19 favorites]
posted by pammeke at 7:09 AM on March 28, 2018 [19 favorites]
As somebody who was Ophelia for too many years, smart and lonely, in a similarly tiny school with the similar "somebody manipulates what few other kids there are against me" environment, I wanted immediate recognition and intervention from the teachers, especially at that age, because I wanted the bullying and isolation to STOP. I never got it. Eventually, I made friends outside of school - I would check with Ophelia's parents to see if they have the ability to get her into afterschool activities where she can at least have social support from peers.
"I do not intervene right way, but later in the day."
I don't disagree that Rachel is struggling and needs help, but help is going to be most effective *in the moment*. Stop it in its tracks. Help Ophelia feel *seen*.
posted by Pandora Kouti at 7:10 AM on March 28, 2018 [25 favorites]
"I do not intervene right way, but later in the day."
I don't disagree that Rachel is struggling and needs help, but help is going to be most effective *in the moment*. Stop it in its tracks. Help Ophelia feel *seen*.
posted by Pandora Kouti at 7:10 AM on March 28, 2018 [25 favorites]
Best answer: I work in an organization which has a focus on anti-bullying and I feel passionately about this so apologies in advance for my brain-dump.
I strongly suggest you read The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander, but there is a nice little summary available here too. Bullying is a serious problem and is often misframed as a situation in which conflict resolution should apply. But bullying isn't a conflict; it's a power play on the part of the bully. It sounds like you have great instincts.
At my organization this is what happens when there is an instance of bullying-type or disrespectful behaviour. An adult intervenes immediately. Every adult in my organization is trained to never let disrespectful or hurtful language or behaviour slide, the same way we don't walk past kids if they are bleeding from skinned knees.
We don't punish, shame, or try to get the kids to work it out amongst themselves when it's a bullying behaviour. We state what acceptable behaviour is and ask our students to do the same. The steps as outlined on the link above are:
1. Show the bully what they have done is wrong. Do not mince words.
2. Give the bully ownership of the problem. No “if onlys”, blame shifting or excuses.
3. Help the bully find a way of solving the problem that he created.
4. Leave his dignity intact.
So in this case you would address the lunch issue directly with Rachel right then. "Rachel, I overheard you naming your friends and I noticed that you left Ophelia out. At our school we want to have a lunchroom where everyone feels welcome. It's okay to chose your own seat. But it's not okay to make a list of friends and deliberately leave someone out." Then you would have the discussion about what makes an inclusive environment. It's just fine to choose your own seat, it's not okay to deliberately exclude one or two people. "Rachel, I know you can help make a great lunchroom for everyone. How do you think you can do that tomorrow?"
It might be a good time also to talk to the class about how to make a good classroom - bystanders need to be encouraged to speak up and say "that's not right," or "you can play with me."
Also to go deeper for the whole class, I recommend looking into the books and some anti-bullying, inclusive environment, and character development resources. You could pick a quality of friendship or inclusivity every week and do a short bit of work on it. You could also work with your school to create an anti-bullying pledge and have all the students take it. At my kids' elementary school we are working on a bullying issue and we have a few tools like a "buddy bench" for kids who are feeling lonely and some other neat resources.
Bullying continues in part because adults in an environment are not articulating what a respectful environment looks like, creating opportunities for children to do good, or intervening effectively. As the teacher you have a wonderful chance here to work towards a classroom that is better than average.
(The distinction between teasing and taunting might be helpful for you in that presentation summary as well.)
MeMail me if you want!
posted by warriorqueen at 7:22 AM on March 28, 2018 [57 favorites]
I strongly suggest you read The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander, but there is a nice little summary available here too. Bullying is a serious problem and is often misframed as a situation in which conflict resolution should apply. But bullying isn't a conflict; it's a power play on the part of the bully. It sounds like you have great instincts.
At my organization this is what happens when there is an instance of bullying-type or disrespectful behaviour. An adult intervenes immediately. Every adult in my organization is trained to never let disrespectful or hurtful language or behaviour slide, the same way we don't walk past kids if they are bleeding from skinned knees.
We don't punish, shame, or try to get the kids to work it out amongst themselves when it's a bullying behaviour. We state what acceptable behaviour is and ask our students to do the same. The steps as outlined on the link above are:
1. Show the bully what they have done is wrong. Do not mince words.
2. Give the bully ownership of the problem. No “if onlys”, blame shifting or excuses.
3. Help the bully find a way of solving the problem that he created.
4. Leave his dignity intact.
So in this case you would address the lunch issue directly with Rachel right then. "Rachel, I overheard you naming your friends and I noticed that you left Ophelia out. At our school we want to have a lunchroom where everyone feels welcome. It's okay to chose your own seat. But it's not okay to make a list of friends and deliberately leave someone out." Then you would have the discussion about what makes an inclusive environment. It's just fine to choose your own seat, it's not okay to deliberately exclude one or two people. "Rachel, I know you can help make a great lunchroom for everyone. How do you think you can do that tomorrow?"
It might be a good time also to talk to the class about how to make a good classroom - bystanders need to be encouraged to speak up and say "that's not right," or "you can play with me."
Also to go deeper for the whole class, I recommend looking into the books and some anti-bullying, inclusive environment, and character development resources. You could pick a quality of friendship or inclusivity every week and do a short bit of work on it. You could also work with your school to create an anti-bullying pledge and have all the students take it. At my kids' elementary school we are working on a bullying issue and we have a few tools like a "buddy bench" for kids who are feeling lonely and some other neat resources.
Bullying continues in part because adults in an environment are not articulating what a respectful environment looks like, creating opportunities for children to do good, or intervening effectively. As the teacher you have a wonderful chance here to work towards a classroom that is better than average.
(The distinction between teasing and taunting might be helpful for you in that presentation summary as well.)
MeMail me if you want!
posted by warriorqueen at 7:22 AM on March 28, 2018 [57 favorites]
created lesson plans meant to foster compassion and empathy (this has definitely helped the kids stand up for each other when they hear or see a student being mean to another student! yay!)
What do the other kids say to Rachel when they hear her excluding or being mean to Ophelia? It would be great if they started speaking up at that point (with you speaking up after them as well, of course).
I do not intervene right way, but later in the day.
Is that because you don't want to let on that you're listening to them during lunch? I can understand your logic if that is the case, but I think you actually need to intervene right away to send a signal to both bully and Ophelia (and the rest of the students).
Good luck. This is hard. But good for you for noticing and making these efforts. I think the things you've listed as already doing are very good and helpful anti bullying strategies!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 7:23 AM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
What do the other kids say to Rachel when they hear her excluding or being mean to Ophelia? It would be great if they started speaking up at that point (with you speaking up after them as well, of course).
I do not intervene right way, but later in the day.
Is that because you don't want to let on that you're listening to them during lunch? I can understand your logic if that is the case, but I think you actually need to intervene right away to send a signal to both bully and Ophelia (and the rest of the students).
Good luck. This is hard. But good for you for noticing and making these efforts. I think the things you've listed as already doing are very good and helpful anti bullying strategies!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 7:23 AM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
I just read through warriorqueen's linked resource. It is fabulous and I think would really help you in this situation.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 7:32 AM on March 28, 2018
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 7:32 AM on March 28, 2018
Response by poster: I just want to clarify, because I think part of my post wasn't clear.
I did (past tense) not intervene at the lunch table incident because I thought it might make Ophelia feel more uncomfortable (since it was so public and me intervening would get even more kids' attention).
When a bullying incident happens in class, I usually do intervene right away. Most of the time I ask the student to step outside with me and explain their actions, ask them how they think it made the other person feel, and then how they think they can make it better. Most of the time the student decides to apologize, but the overall behavoir pattern continues.
Great answer so far, please keep the advice coming!
What do teachers and adults like about Rachel?
Honestly, not much. She is mean to others on a daily basis and is disruptive in class, rarely accepting responsibility for her bad behaviors. Many parents in the school have specifically told their children that they cannot be friends with her. Some have told me not to allow their children to sit next to her in class. The only positive thing I have to say about her is that she is creative and shows the capacity to go further academically.
posted by Blissful at 7:47 AM on March 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
I did (past tense) not intervene at the lunch table incident because I thought it might make Ophelia feel more uncomfortable (since it was so public and me intervening would get even more kids' attention).
When a bullying incident happens in class, I usually do intervene right away. Most of the time I ask the student to step outside with me and explain their actions, ask them how they think it made the other person feel, and then how they think they can make it better. Most of the time the student decides to apologize, but the overall behavoir pattern continues.
Great answer so far, please keep the advice coming!
What do teachers and adults like about Rachel?
Honestly, not much. She is mean to others on a daily basis and is disruptive in class, rarely accepting responsibility for her bad behaviors. Many parents in the school have specifically told their children that they cannot be friends with her. Some have told me not to allow their children to sit next to her in class. The only positive thing I have to say about her is that she is creative and shows the capacity to go further academically.
posted by Blissful at 7:47 AM on March 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Seconding warriorqueen's sage advice. I'm a high school teacher and have more brain-dumping:
1. You should always intervene immediately because all the kids are watching to see if you're going to keep them safe from this or ignore it.
2. Get the bully away from the other kids and make them wait for you while you comfort the victim. The bully does not get the privilege of your attention first. You first check to ensure that everyone who witnessed this sees that the bully is being forced to leave and that you care MORE about the victim.
3. Stop asking why the bully is doing this because it implies that there are valid reasons to do this when there isn't. It doesn't matter why she's doing this.
4. Don't ask the bully to explain their actions. The only feedback you give, in a flat voice, is what you observed. Specifically, what the perp said and did and the message of you did _____. _____ is not okay. That's it. You want to be very careful of any positive feedback or attention for being a jerk.
5. I love that you're focusing on when the bully is behaving well. That is awesome. Do it with ALL the kids.
6. Bullying can be a complex and horrible thing because of all the reasons it happens and how much the kid is bullied outside of school. But in school, you can be very matter of fact that it is not okay for a kid to do this and they will not get attention.
7. And always keep parents in the loop about this. Be matter of fact: ___ happened, ____ was the response.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 8:08 AM on March 28, 2018 [29 favorites]
1. You should always intervene immediately because all the kids are watching to see if you're going to keep them safe from this or ignore it.
2. Get the bully away from the other kids and make them wait for you while you comfort the victim. The bully does not get the privilege of your attention first. You first check to ensure that everyone who witnessed this sees that the bully is being forced to leave and that you care MORE about the victim.
3. Stop asking why the bully is doing this because it implies that there are valid reasons to do this when there isn't. It doesn't matter why she's doing this.
4. Don't ask the bully to explain their actions. The only feedback you give, in a flat voice, is what you observed. Specifically, what the perp said and did and the message of you did _____. _____ is not okay. That's it. You want to be very careful of any positive feedback or attention for being a jerk.
5. I love that you're focusing on when the bully is behaving well. That is awesome. Do it with ALL the kids.
6. Bullying can be a complex and horrible thing because of all the reasons it happens and how much the kid is bullied outside of school. But in school, you can be very matter of fact that it is not okay for a kid to do this and they will not get attention.
7. And always keep parents in the loop about this. Be matter of fact: ___ happened, ____ was the response.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 8:08 AM on March 28, 2018 [29 favorites]
I don't want to stick up for the bully -- I was bullied too -- but this sticks out to me about your answer:
Many parents in the school have specifically told their children that they cannot be friends with her. Some have told me not to allow their children to sit next to her in class.
I would bet money that Rachel has picked up on this, and that is a shitty thing for a little kid to know. I'd keep this in mind when dealing with Rachel -- she should definitely still be held accountable for her actions and the bullying should not be tolerated, but I can see where it might be getting worse for a reason.
posted by fiercecupcake at 8:18 AM on March 28, 2018 [18 favorites]
Many parents in the school have specifically told their children that they cannot be friends with her. Some have told me not to allow their children to sit next to her in class.
I would bet money that Rachel has picked up on this, and that is a shitty thing for a little kid to know. I'd keep this in mind when dealing with Rachel -- she should definitely still be held accountable for her actions and the bullying should not be tolerated, but I can see where it might be getting worse for a reason.
posted by fiercecupcake at 8:18 AM on March 28, 2018 [18 favorites]
Honestly, not much. She is mean to others on a daily basis and is disruptive in class, rarely accepting responsibility for her bad behaviors. Many parents in the school have specifically told their children that they cannot be friends with her. Some have told me not to allow their children to sit next to her in class. The only positive thing I have to say about her is that she is creative and shows the capacity to go further academically.
I was definitely the Ophelia in this situation, but I know that some of the kids who bullied me were Rachels. (Not all - plenty of them were popular, rich and successful and bullied because they liked doing it.)
Some questions:
1. How is Ophelia feeling about this? You say that she gets along with everyone - does she have friends and Rachel's meanness doesn't isolate her? It matters whether she is being truly excluded or just dealing with one unpleasant person. If she is just dealing with Rachel, you probably need only to intervene when you hear Rachel being overtly rude.
2. Rachel doesn't have to like Ophelia, but from a manners standpoint, kids need to have "when to include" modeled - like, if someone isn't your friend, beating the drum about it in public is not cool. Is there something you can do regularly to model manners-based inclusion? Like, can you address manners in some specific way as distinct from addressing feelings?
3. If no one likes Rachel really, she's in a garbage position. Is there someone who can like her? Is there an aide or a different teacher or somewhere in school where she can get some steady, positive interactions with an adult who will look for the good in her? No kid that age is really permanently terrible or deserving of exclusion. Does she do any after school stuff? Can you express your concerns to her parents in some way that is not "Rachel is a bully" but "Rachel doesn't seem to have good support structures at school, is there any way we can help her participate?"
A relative of mine was a bully for a couple of years - not very long, because she is a compassionate person at heart - but she had some years being a real mean girl and then she changed, partly because of her own character and partly because of support at school.
~~~
Being an unlikable kid is a terrible position to be in. When I look back at myself, I don't think I was likable - I was weird, didn't understand social cues at all, I talked weirdly and came across as kind of arrogant because of my difficulty with social cues, I was fat and messy and badly dressed and while I was always clean, I looked kind of strange and neglected, like some changeling from an uglier world. I think that one of the reasons I was abandoned to be everyone's victim was because teachers didn't like me - they were not moved to protect me because I was not an appealing child.
What I'm hearing from you is that Rachel is not an appealing child. I think you and the other teachers are in a position of huge and difficult responsibility - you have to care about and support a kid who isn't intrinsically likable and who you don't necessarily much like yourself. I'm not sure what resources you have to do that, but you just can't leave a kid to be hated by everyone including other parents when she's so little and has so little control over her situation.
posted by Frowner at 8:20 AM on March 28, 2018 [28 favorites]
I was definitely the Ophelia in this situation, but I know that some of the kids who bullied me were Rachels. (Not all - plenty of them were popular, rich and successful and bullied because they liked doing it.)
Some questions:
1. How is Ophelia feeling about this? You say that she gets along with everyone - does she have friends and Rachel's meanness doesn't isolate her? It matters whether she is being truly excluded or just dealing with one unpleasant person. If she is just dealing with Rachel, you probably need only to intervene when you hear Rachel being overtly rude.
2. Rachel doesn't have to like Ophelia, but from a manners standpoint, kids need to have "when to include" modeled - like, if someone isn't your friend, beating the drum about it in public is not cool. Is there something you can do regularly to model manners-based inclusion? Like, can you address manners in some specific way as distinct from addressing feelings?
3. If no one likes Rachel really, she's in a garbage position. Is there someone who can like her? Is there an aide or a different teacher or somewhere in school where she can get some steady, positive interactions with an adult who will look for the good in her? No kid that age is really permanently terrible or deserving of exclusion. Does she do any after school stuff? Can you express your concerns to her parents in some way that is not "Rachel is a bully" but "Rachel doesn't seem to have good support structures at school, is there any way we can help her participate?"
A relative of mine was a bully for a couple of years - not very long, because she is a compassionate person at heart - but she had some years being a real mean girl and then she changed, partly because of her own character and partly because of support at school.
~~~
Being an unlikable kid is a terrible position to be in. When I look back at myself, I don't think I was likable - I was weird, didn't understand social cues at all, I talked weirdly and came across as kind of arrogant because of my difficulty with social cues, I was fat and messy and badly dressed and while I was always clean, I looked kind of strange and neglected, like some changeling from an uglier world. I think that one of the reasons I was abandoned to be everyone's victim was because teachers didn't like me - they were not moved to protect me because I was not an appealing child.
What I'm hearing from you is that Rachel is not an appealing child. I think you and the other teachers are in a position of huge and difficult responsibility - you have to care about and support a kid who isn't intrinsically likable and who you don't necessarily much like yourself. I'm not sure what resources you have to do that, but you just can't leave a kid to be hated by everyone including other parents when she's so little and has so little control over her situation.
posted by Frowner at 8:20 AM on March 28, 2018 [28 favorites]
I do think you are doing great.
It may take a thousand repetitions. The chances that you can turn this around for Rachel completely in one year are probably low, but you can definitely create an environment that will help.
It does strike me that Rachel is mirroring some exclusionary behaviour she's getting. I am wary of focusing on her when your question is about establishing a no-bullying classroom. But I would say that it might be time to work with her on a specific action plan. I would ask her to focus on one or two behaviours like "don't poke the person next to you." Then you can set up a daily routine where you a) transition her into the classroom every day (I would bet something's up at home), so maybe she can sweep or be a coat monitor or whatever, then give b) her a reminder about what you want to see from her each day. Like this:
"Rachel, can you please help line up all the shoes correctly?" (Get her doing something RIGHT, right off the bat.)
"Thanks for doing the shoes Rachel...what's your Good Classmate plan for today?"
"Not calling anyone a name."
"How will you do that?"
Etc. The trick here is to give her more right things to do than wrong ones...which can be really hard in an elementary classroom!
I just have a note to add about apologies...kids learn really early to say "soooorrrrryyyyy" (not sorry) and so they aren't often that helpful a tool. We have the kids come up with a positive trait about the other person, we tend to do it a bit more like this:
"Bob, I heard you call Kevin stupid." *stern gaze* "You know that's not cool. How do you think that made Kevin feel?"
"I dunno"
"You don't know?"
"...not nice I guess?"
"We want our classroom to be a place for people to feel good about themselves. Would you want to come to a place where people called you stupid each day?"
"...I guess not"
"How are you going to make this a better place for Kevin?"
"Not call him stupid."
"And?"
"...help him pick up the pencils?"
I mean ok this is half the ideal but...it does work a lot of the time.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:30 AM on March 28, 2018 [7 favorites]
It may take a thousand repetitions. The chances that you can turn this around for Rachel completely in one year are probably low, but you can definitely create an environment that will help.
It does strike me that Rachel is mirroring some exclusionary behaviour she's getting. I am wary of focusing on her when your question is about establishing a no-bullying classroom. But I would say that it might be time to work with her on a specific action plan. I would ask her to focus on one or two behaviours like "don't poke the person next to you." Then you can set up a daily routine where you a) transition her into the classroom every day (I would bet something's up at home), so maybe she can sweep or be a coat monitor or whatever, then give b) her a reminder about what you want to see from her each day. Like this:
"Rachel, can you please help line up all the shoes correctly?" (Get her doing something RIGHT, right off the bat.)
"Thanks for doing the shoes Rachel...what's your Good Classmate plan for today?"
"Not calling anyone a name."
"How will you do that?"
Etc. The trick here is to give her more right things to do than wrong ones...which can be really hard in an elementary classroom!
I just have a note to add about apologies...kids learn really early to say "soooorrrrryyyyy" (not sorry) and so they aren't often that helpful a tool. We have the kids come up with a positive trait about the other person, we tend to do it a bit more like this:
"Bob, I heard you call Kevin stupid." *stern gaze* "You know that's not cool. How do you think that made Kevin feel?"
"I dunno"
"You don't know?"
"...not nice I guess?"
"We want our classroom to be a place for people to feel good about themselves. Would you want to come to a place where people called you stupid each day?"
"...I guess not"
"How are you going to make this a better place for Kevin?"
"Not call him stupid."
"And?"
"...help him pick up the pencils?"
I mean ok this is half the ideal but...it does work a lot of the time.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:30 AM on March 28, 2018 [7 favorites]
I don't know where you're located, but since you say primary instead of elementary school, I am making a big assumption it is not the US.
Our school district has adjustment counselors on staff and continued behavior like that from Rachel would trigger the involvement of the adjustment counselor to provide counseling or positive peer social groups in school as part of her school day/week that could help. The adjustment counselor would also be able to alert school staff if there are bigger issues at play that would warrant recommendations for a broader behavior plan possibly through special education services OR at least making suggestions to the parents of outside resources they may wish to look at given what's going on at school.
I hope something like this is an option where you are because it can make such a positive difference in the schools as a whole, let alone for individual students.
posted by zizzle at 8:35 AM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Our school district has adjustment counselors on staff and continued behavior like that from Rachel would trigger the involvement of the adjustment counselor to provide counseling or positive peer social groups in school as part of her school day/week that could help. The adjustment counselor would also be able to alert school staff if there are bigger issues at play that would warrant recommendations for a broader behavior plan possibly through special education services OR at least making suggestions to the parents of outside resources they may wish to look at given what's going on at school.
I hope something like this is an option where you are because it can make such a positive difference in the schools as a whole, let alone for individual students.
posted by zizzle at 8:35 AM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
I feel you've gotten really good advice re: dealing with Rachel in the moment, and I absolutely agree that in responding to bullying incidents, you should focus on the care of the bullied. But, since you are also Rachel's teacher, damn:
She is mean to others on a daily basis and is disruptive in class, rarely accepting responsibility for her bad behaviors. Many parents in the school have specifically told their children that they cannot be friends with her. Some have told me not to allow their children to sit next to her in class.
This is terrible. She's only in third grade! I would bet a significant amount of money that Something is Not Right in Rachel's home life. I'm not saying you need to call CPS, but this kid needs the school to try to figure out what is going on with her to produce this behavior.
Also...look, I have relatives that age who are horrible little snots but don't reach Rachel's level of misbehavior, I get how unpleasant it can be to deal with them, and I don't have to look after them on a daily basis. But she's a third-grader. I beg you to try to identify some positive qualities in her that go beyond "she has some academic potential." If you, the adult, the authority figure, can't see some good in her, how is she supposed to be able to?
posted by praemunire at 9:37 AM on March 28, 2018 [13 favorites]
She is mean to others on a daily basis and is disruptive in class, rarely accepting responsibility for her bad behaviors. Many parents in the school have specifically told their children that they cannot be friends with her. Some have told me not to allow their children to sit next to her in class.
This is terrible. She's only in third grade! I would bet a significant amount of money that Something is Not Right in Rachel's home life. I'm not saying you need to call CPS, but this kid needs the school to try to figure out what is going on with her to produce this behavior.
Also...look, I have relatives that age who are horrible little snots but don't reach Rachel's level of misbehavior, I get how unpleasant it can be to deal with them, and I don't have to look after them on a daily basis. But she's a third-grader. I beg you to try to identify some positive qualities in her that go beyond "she has some academic potential." If you, the adult, the authority figure, can't see some good in her, how is she supposed to be able to?
posted by praemunire at 9:37 AM on March 28, 2018 [13 favorites]
I talk to both Rachel (the bully) and Ophelia (the target), separately and together.
Why did you speak to them together? Was it an interest in conflict resolution? As warriorqueen points out, there is not a conflict to be resolved between the two students. Instead, the bully needs to stop their behavior.
I would be wary of any methods of yours that have you inclined to force the bullied child to spend more time with the bully, or to forgive the bully under the eye of authority or whatever you were trying to do by speaking to them together.
Ophelia is not responsible for Rachel's problems with social boundaries.
posted by Squeak Attack at 10:42 AM on March 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
Why did you speak to them together? Was it an interest in conflict resolution? As warriorqueen points out, there is not a conflict to be resolved between the two students. Instead, the bully needs to stop their behavior.
I would be wary of any methods of yours that have you inclined to force the bullied child to spend more time with the bully, or to forgive the bully under the eye of authority or whatever you were trying to do by speaking to them together.
Ophelia is not responsible for Rachel's problems with social boundaries.
posted by Squeak Attack at 10:42 AM on March 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
Open Circle is a good curriculum to use with younger kids about teaching social competency and there are loads of others.
A few more ideas:
1. Remember, all the kids watching are also victims.
2. As a compassionate person it's really easy to try to get into the mind of the bully, but that can be a really bad idea if it's causing you to lose focus on the victims. Yes, the bully needs support but there's also a large amount of secondary gains--a lot of attention--that kids get for misbehaving. I've seen too many teachers get sucked into helping victims and not seeing how to the other kids, it looks like the bully is getting all the attention. So while it can feel counterintuitive, it's best to be kind, supportive and direct to the bully. You want to ensure the bully gets little attention at these times.
3. A HUGE thing to do is to encourage kids to tell the bullies to cut it out. The more they practice telling each other to cut it out, the more empowered they all feel.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 10:46 AM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
A few more ideas:
1. Remember, all the kids watching are also victims.
2. As a compassionate person it's really easy to try to get into the mind of the bully, but that can be a really bad idea if it's causing you to lose focus on the victims. Yes, the bully needs support but there's also a large amount of secondary gains--a lot of attention--that kids get for misbehaving. I've seen too many teachers get sucked into helping victims and not seeing how to the other kids, it looks like the bully is getting all the attention. So while it can feel counterintuitive, it's best to be kind, supportive and direct to the bully. You want to ensure the bully gets little attention at these times.
3. A HUGE thing to do is to encourage kids to tell the bullies to cut it out. The more they practice telling each other to cut it out, the more empowered they all feel.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 10:46 AM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Our elementary school teacher does a really great job working on this with the kids. She recommends ‘Responsive Classroom’ techniques. They have the book How To Bullyproof Your Classroom. Maybe you can look into this?
Also, I wonder if there are any outside resources available to you (like a school counselor) - the status quo, which is you teaching a kid you don’t have any rapport with, isn’t really a good basis for working on social problem-solving with the kids...
posted by The Toad at 11:25 AM on March 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
Also, I wonder if there are any outside resources available to you (like a school counselor) - the status quo, which is you teaching a kid you don’t have any rapport with, isn’t really a good basis for working on social problem-solving with the kids...
posted by The Toad at 11:25 AM on March 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
Excluding Ophelia feeds Rachel's sense of self in more than one way. Yes, Rachel's being excluded herself, so doing it to others (especially someone as well-behaved as Ophelia, who "gets along with everyone," as she's not going to fight back -- no wonder Rachel stopped "spreading her meanness") is helping her balance things internally. But in your primary school microcosm, Rachel's already been positioned as the 'bad girl' -- parents don't want their kids sitting with her in class, but you'll notice she's got several friends at that lunch table.
She knows what she's doing is wrong. But doing it is titillating to the other children, who also know that it's wrong, and helps maintain her cred. It's behavior borne out of insecurity, yes, but she's an unlikeable eight- or nine-year-old striving to keep whatever social standing she has. For many kids, negative attention is still attention.
Rachel needs some kind of counseling, before she's acting out in increasingly worse ways to keep her image. Any disciplining to correct her behavior and protect Ophelia needs to be balanced with encouraging and reinforcing positive behaviors. You mention that she's creative, so maybe that will provide an avenue.
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:47 PM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
She knows what she's doing is wrong. But doing it is titillating to the other children, who also know that it's wrong, and helps maintain her cred. It's behavior borne out of insecurity, yes, but she's an unlikeable eight- or nine-year-old striving to keep whatever social standing she has. For many kids, negative attention is still attention.
Rachel needs some kind of counseling, before she's acting out in increasingly worse ways to keep her image. Any disciplining to correct her behavior and protect Ophelia needs to be balanced with encouraging and reinforcing positive behaviors. You mention that she's creative, so maybe that will provide an avenue.
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:47 PM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
If grown adults act like excluding a child is okay because they are difficult or unlikable then Rachel is of course going to mirror that behaviour and exclude someone she doesn't like. Of course to others Ophelia is likeable, but not to disliked Rachel. Compassion is for everyone, not just likeable people.
My eldest was a bit like this in earlier years (ages 7 to 9 say). In her case she missed all but the most obvious social cues (would notice obvious glee but miss thinly veiled upset) and lacked the theory of mind to really understand how much the things she did were hurting others. She did EXACTLY this to one particular girl who she had been friends with up until then. Shouting BFFS FOREVER! with another girl while original friend was quietly devastated. It was a mix of extremely low self esteem (and excitement at suddenly feeling a bit powerful) and really not seeing that other people had feelings which felt, to them, just like hers did to her. Does Rachel.have consistent friendships or does she puck up amd put down other kids like they are playthings? Are her friendships based on who she can control or those who share almost exactly her interests? You may have already thought of this but please look at checklists for autism in girls. It can be very subtle and not every profile is easy to recognise. Look for pathological demand avoidance. It's autism awareness week so the universe can consider this my contribution.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 1:46 PM on March 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
My eldest was a bit like this in earlier years (ages 7 to 9 say). In her case she missed all but the most obvious social cues (would notice obvious glee but miss thinly veiled upset) and lacked the theory of mind to really understand how much the things she did were hurting others. She did EXACTLY this to one particular girl who she had been friends with up until then. Shouting BFFS FOREVER! with another girl while original friend was quietly devastated. It was a mix of extremely low self esteem (and excitement at suddenly feeling a bit powerful) and really not seeing that other people had feelings which felt, to them, just like hers did to her. Does Rachel.have consistent friendships or does she puck up amd put down other kids like they are playthings? Are her friendships based on who she can control or those who share almost exactly her interests? You may have already thought of this but please look at checklists for autism in girls. It can be very subtle and not every profile is easy to recognise. Look for pathological demand avoidance. It's autism awareness week so the universe can consider this my contribution.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 1:46 PM on March 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
apologizes and says she is one of her best friends.
girls this age use "best friend" as an esoteric term of art that has nothing to do with literal best friendship and barely anything to do with regular friendship. "can I borrow a quarter? I'll be your best friend," we used to say when I was a kid. I would step far back from reading in manipulation or dishonesty in these exchanges. you don't speak their language. when you talk about Rachel managing to have friends through manipulation, it unsettles me because of the idea that you can see that clearly into a social world that's not transparent to adults at all and judge the legitimacy of their weird affections. you can see obvious things, fighting and harassment and insults, but why someone is liked and what it means is not an open book to adults.
so anyway, I don't know what is a good way to get a girl who's already disliked by almost everybody back in line, but I do know it pins a big target on Ophelia to paint this glowing picture of her as an ideal student beloved by all. plenty of bullies have obscure reasons for choosing targets but Rachel sounds transparently motivated by part jealousy and part wanting to get this golden child's attention.
everyone remembers how awful it was to be told that boys pick on you because they like you, and it's certainly unacceptable to treat that as an excuse, it doesn't make the action better in itself. but some kids do express frustrated longing that way, and girls do it too, and to other girls. I do think this behavior would be read very differently coming from a boy towards a girl -- analyzed without any of the awful "mean girl" language. it's the kind of thing (exclusively) boys did to me in elementary school. they were always boys who weren't good at academics, to the point of having been held back or close to it, couldn't control themselves, and hated me because I was quiet and didn't get in trouble and read well. they were wrong to think teachers loved me, but that was part of the resentment too. so please don't read in any more manipulation than is absolutely necessary. this is normal for girl-to-girl meanness but absolutely classic for boy-to-girl bullying for attention.
it's always good to step in if you hear someone being taunted, but I would leave it there as long as O has friends and isn't isolated. but if you're set on doing these one-on-one conferences, also have them with the other four girls. if they're friendly with O but intimidated by R, give them a pep talk about standing up for people and being loyal even when it's easier not to.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:47 PM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
I just want to say, as a fellow third grade teacher, that this is HARD and I am looking forward to reading people's ideas. This is very much harder than most non-teachers realize. Managing the social dynamics of 20-30 young kids developing their personalities, with varying levels of administrative and family support, is heroic.
posted by raspberrE at 3:07 PM on March 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by raspberrE at 3:07 PM on March 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
Nthing finding out what's going on with Rachel's home life....I would also tell her that In your class we don't have to like each other but we do have to treat them with respect.
posted by brujita at 4:04 PM on March 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by brujita at 4:04 PM on March 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
Many parents in the school have specifically told their children that they cannot be friends with her. Some have told me not to allow their children to sit next to her in class.
Whoa. Are you sure Rachel is the bully? It sounds like she is responding to a pretty hostile atmosphere.
posted by Toddles at 6:36 PM on March 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
Whoa. Are you sure Rachel is the bully? It sounds like she is responding to a pretty hostile atmosphere.
posted by Toddles at 6:36 PM on March 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
Response by poster:
Many parents in the school have specifically told their children that they cannot be friends with her. Some have told me not to allow their children to sit next to her in class.
Whoa. Are you sure Rachel is the bully? It sounds like she is responding to a pretty hostile atmosphere.
Parents have done this because their own child was being repeatedly bullied by Rachel and no longer wanted to come to school. Children are much more forgiving than their parents. This is my first year at this school, but apparently Rachel bullied two students pretty badly last year and now these parents want their children do have nothing to do with her. Other parents are aware of the situation (parents talk) and thus more quick to tell their own kids to not be friends with her as soon as Rachel exhibits bad behavoir towards their own kid.
posted by Blissful at 9:21 PM on March 28, 2018
Many parents in the school have specifically told their children that they cannot be friends with her. Some have told me not to allow their children to sit next to her in class.
Whoa. Are you sure Rachel is the bully? It sounds like she is responding to a pretty hostile atmosphere.
Parents have done this because their own child was being repeatedly bullied by Rachel and no longer wanted to come to school. Children are much more forgiving than their parents. This is my first year at this school, but apparently Rachel bullied two students pretty badly last year and now these parents want their children do have nothing to do with her. Other parents are aware of the situation (parents talk) and thus more quick to tell their own kids to not be friends with her as soon as Rachel exhibits bad behavoir towards their own kid.
posted by Blissful at 9:21 PM on March 28, 2018
It sounds like Rachel is smart and energetic. Can you possibly focus that energy on the (extremely difficult, but the difficulty increases with age) goal of increasing happiness/fun/beauty in the world? Just find something of appropriate difficulty for her -- so, not too simple or easy -- but not too impossible ("make a friend" is probably impossible at this point, and also too vague).
So, you're not punishing her, you're not isolating her really, you're putting her talents to use, and all the harm she's doing could be inverted.
I know you've probably thought of this already, but it sounds like she's bored and wants control/power in some degree.
If she could do some kinds of little mini-project-tasks that build her understanding, maybe she could eventually help someone else. Being put into a nurturing relationship with someone can have a powerful effect.
posted by amtho at 11:01 AM on March 29, 2018
So, you're not punishing her, you're not isolating her really, you're putting her talents to use, and all the harm she's doing could be inverted.
I know you've probably thought of this already, but it sounds like she's bored and wants control/power in some degree.
If she could do some kinds of little mini-project-tasks that build her understanding, maybe she could eventually help someone else. Being put into a nurturing relationship with someone can have a powerful effect.
posted by amtho at 11:01 AM on March 29, 2018
Not _just_ bored -- I don't mean to minimize the difficulty of the situation -- but that might be an addressable small element.
posted by amtho at 11:29 AM on March 29, 2018
posted by amtho at 11:29 AM on March 29, 2018
Oh I remembered a Thing I did when I worked with kids the same age. Can you manage to get them to be Book Buddies with younger kids, like Kindergartners? Then you can practice social skills about being kind, which gives the kids a frame of reference for, "Remember how we spoke with the little kids by saying positive things? Let's do that in our class, too..."
Sometimes if you can tell kids you trust them to model good behavior, they will step up and learn to generalize kindness across the board.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:17 AM on March 30, 2018
Sometimes if you can tell kids you trust them to model good behavior, they will step up and learn to generalize kindness across the board.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:17 AM on March 30, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by headnsouth at 6:50 AM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]