I think my BF likes another girl. How to reattract him?
February 10, 2018 5:49 AM Subscribe
I’m pretty sure my boyfriend likes his female friend. He says he doesn’t and she’s not his type, but he’s always talking about stuff she likes and making time to hang out with her. How do I reattract him back to me? I was told to act distant. What does that look like? Also how do we go about making our partners better people so they don’t look elsewhere?
W e live together and I feel like familiarity is breeding contempt in my relationship and I don’t know what to do to spice things up so he’s not running to his friend as an escape.
How to reattract him?
Despite what Cosmo magazine wants women to believe, you can't, and why on earth would you ever pretend to be something you're not? Especially with a live-in partner, where eventually you're going to ultimately act like yourself and have to hit a hard restart once that happens, unless your plan is to pretend to be someone you're not for the rest of your life (I advise against this.)
Is this the same boyfriend from last year where you wanted to know how to get him back and the advice you got was to break up because you weren't getting your completely reasonable needs met?
I understand that this is a really uncomfortable relationship place in which to be, but I'm concerned that once again, you're not putting your own needs first.
You are a completely lovable and worthwhile human being who does not deserve such miserable poop scraps from anyone, let alone a partner.
Your boyfriend plays for Team Him, not Team Us, and the only thing you can do to make that change is to cut this selfish, miserable person out of your life.
how do we go about making our partners better people so they don’t look elsewhere?
We don't, we can't, and there is no love potion or sex trick or any amount of faux sparkly manic dreamy pixie girl nonsense we can artificially apply to ourselves to ever make that happen.
What we can do is recognize it sucks but it is unchangable and move on to create the lives we all deserve.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:11 AM on February 10, 2018 [34 favorites]
Despite what Cosmo magazine wants women to believe, you can't, and why on earth would you ever pretend to be something you're not? Especially with a live-in partner, where eventually you're going to ultimately act like yourself and have to hit a hard restart once that happens, unless your plan is to pretend to be someone you're not for the rest of your life (I advise against this.)
Is this the same boyfriend from last year where you wanted to know how to get him back and the advice you got was to break up because you weren't getting your completely reasonable needs met?
I understand that this is a really uncomfortable relationship place in which to be, but I'm concerned that once again, you're not putting your own needs first.
You are a completely lovable and worthwhile human being who does not deserve such miserable poop scraps from anyone, let alone a partner.
Your boyfriend plays for Team Him, not Team Us, and the only thing you can do to make that change is to cut this selfish, miserable person out of your life.
how do we go about making our partners better people so they don’t look elsewhere?
We don't, we can't, and there is no love potion or sex trick or any amount of faux sparkly manic dreamy pixie girl nonsense we can artificially apply to ourselves to ever make that happen.
What we can do is recognize it sucks but it is unchangable and move on to create the lives we all deserve.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:11 AM on February 10, 2018 [34 favorites]
I don’t know who told you to “act distant,” but that’s some seriously terrible, retrograde advice. You and your boyfriend are adults, with agency. If he’s decided to prioritize time and attention for someone else, there’s nothing you can do through some sort of trickery to “reattract” him. Why would you want to do that? Why do you care so little for yourself that you are desperate to retain someone who clearly doesn’t care about you or your feelings? THOSE are questions worth exploring.
By the way, if this is the same boyfriend from your question this summer my advice is to terminate your relationship with him at once. You’ve already wasted precious months of your life that you’ll never get back on a man who has shown you over and over that he’s not a worthy partner. Please start putting yourself first.
posted by little mouth at 6:15 AM on February 10, 2018 [13 favorites]
By the way, if this is the same boyfriend from your question this summer my advice is to terminate your relationship with him at once. You’ve already wasted precious months of your life that you’ll never get back on a man who has shown you over and over that he’s not a worthy partner. Please start putting yourself first.
posted by little mouth at 6:15 AM on February 10, 2018 [13 favorites]
Also how do we go about making our partners better people so they don’t look elsewhere?
Life 101: You can't control how others behave.
I read your other question about your boyfriend. People will do what they will. You've been asking him for reassurance. It doesn't make you feel better or more secure. If it did, you wouldn't keep asking.
This relationship might not be worth saving. However, if you want to "spice things up" I would suggest cultivating more respect and love for yourself. Stop asking him if things are okay or if he wants to break up. What about you? Are you okay? What do you want from a relationship?
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:22 AM on February 10, 2018 [6 favorites]
Life 101: You can't control how others behave.
I read your other question about your boyfriend. People will do what they will. You've been asking him for reassurance. It doesn't make you feel better or more secure. If it did, you wouldn't keep asking.
This relationship might not be worth saving. However, if you want to "spice things up" I would suggest cultivating more respect and love for yourself. Stop asking him if things are okay or if he wants to break up. What about you? Are you okay? What do you want from a relationship?
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:22 AM on February 10, 2018 [6 favorites]
I was told to act distant. What does that look like?
In your last question, you marked as best answer the response that suggested you act distant. You might have forgotten exactly what that person said and it might help to go back and read it. They suggested that ideally you should break up, but if you can't, you should put yourself first in part by developing hobbies, taking care of yourself physically, and going out with friends more etc. They said: either this will re-attract him or else it won't but you'll have put yourself first and that's what you need to do. That's what they meant by act distant.
So acting distant in any way that you might want to use is really just pulling some of your emotion away from caring what your boyfriend thinks of you and investing it in yourself.
posted by velveeta underground at 6:31 AM on February 10, 2018 [33 favorites]
In your last question, you marked as best answer the response that suggested you act distant. You might have forgotten exactly what that person said and it might help to go back and read it. They suggested that ideally you should break up, but if you can't, you should put yourself first in part by developing hobbies, taking care of yourself physically, and going out with friends more etc. They said: either this will re-attract him or else it won't but you'll have put yourself first and that's what you need to do. That's what they meant by act distant.
So acting distant in any way that you might want to use is really just pulling some of your emotion away from caring what your boyfriend thinks of you and investing it in yourself.
posted by velveeta underground at 6:31 AM on February 10, 2018 [33 favorites]
A relationship that requires you to play psychological games with a partner in order to keep them is not one you want to maintain. If you can't be 100% yourself with your partner, he should not be a primary focus of your life. And if you can't trust your partner (such as when he says he's not interested in someone else), again, he should not be a primary focus of your life. If you decide that you still want to be with him for whatever reason, developing a focus outside of him (career or pets or hobbies or becoming an expert in local geology or whatever) is important because otherwise, you're directing far too much energy toward a person who does not make you feel comfortable in your own skin.
posted by metasarah at 8:05 AM on February 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 8:05 AM on February 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
Someone answered a variation on this question really well recently.
posted by aniola at 8:20 AM on February 10, 2018 [8 favorites]
The problem as you are conceiving it is a bit of a paradox. It's so human, and we women especially have been socialized into it completely, but it's still a paradox. That is: trying to *seem* less interested in a guy to make him interested in you just... won't really work long term, because of course it's just another way that you're too interested in him. You actually *really* have to become someone who isn't that available, not because you're "mean" or "manipulative" in your terms, but because you *really* have other things that are very important to you. It doesn't have to be other men waiting in the wings. It really has to be your own life, your own need to do something else in the world that's very important to you beyond be in a relationship. It could be volunteering at the animal shelter, getting into a hobby, helping out at a Goodwill, whatever. If you, a person with actual real other profound interests and obligations and distractions, is attractive to this guy, then your relationship will be coming from a place of strength and you'll be less vulnerable to insecurity about his attentions. If he isn't attracted to that, well, then you still have a more developed self, and that's who you're going to have to wake up with for the rest of your life anyway.The advice is directed to someone in a different situation, but I think there's a truth in it that applies to your relationship as well.
posted by aniola at 8:20 AM on February 10, 2018 [8 favorites]
The thing that keeps a person invested in a relationship and not seeking emotional or physical connections elsewhere when the relationship hits boredom or other challenges is their own decision to commit fully to the relationship and to be the kind of person who talks to their partner about relationship issues and works on them instead of seeking entertainment or satisfaction elsewhere.
It sounds like you want a partner who is completely invested in a relationship with you. Does your current boyfriend have what it takes to make this investment? Does he want to? If you express concerns about the relationship, does he take them seriously and follow through?
posted by bunderful at 8:36 AM on February 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you want a partner who is completely invested in a relationship with you. Does your current boyfriend have what it takes to make this investment? Does he want to? If you express concerns about the relationship, does he take them seriously and follow through?
posted by bunderful at 8:36 AM on February 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
Make up a photo album of the two of you having great time together and set it out where it's convenient for him to thumb through. Don't push it at him, that would be very counterproductive, just make memories available.
posted by sammyo at 9:31 AM on February 10, 2018
posted by sammyo at 9:31 AM on February 10, 2018
I think you should break up with him and focus on taking care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself. You’re worthy.
posted by sucre at 9:41 AM on February 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by sucre at 9:41 AM on February 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
If you live together, are you going on at least some of these visits with him as a couple? My partner (we're straight and monogamous) has good woman friends and I have good man friends, and while we do have one-on-one visits with them, we also will do group visits. If he's keeping you and this friend completely separate, I'd ask him why in a direct way and tell him that it's important to me to meet and form relationships with his friends and that it doesn't mean that I have to be at every visit, but that including me in some visits is important to me. His reaction will tell you important things. Don't let him pivot to accusing you of being jealous or controlling. This is about building a healthy social circle that is supportive and not undermining of your relationship. He should want to share the awesome people in his life. He should be proud of you. He should be very clear in words and actions that he's in a committed relationship with you.
In a long term relationship, it's natural and fairly inevitable to develop transient crushes on others. But, how you deal with that makes all the difference. Do you keep yourself in check and make sure you don't cross boundaries and respect your relationship? Or, do you engage in emotional affairs?
This is not about the real, day-to-day you not being enough. This is not about you not doing enough to attract him. This is not about you mismanaging his attention. Talk to him about this. It's fine to have difficult conversations and if you can't do that and come to a resolution that you both can embrace, spend your time looking for someone who does do that with you.
posted by quince at 10:07 AM on February 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
In a long term relationship, it's natural and fairly inevitable to develop transient crushes on others. But, how you deal with that makes all the difference. Do you keep yourself in check and make sure you don't cross boundaries and respect your relationship? Or, do you engage in emotional affairs?
This is not about the real, day-to-day you not being enough. This is not about you not doing enough to attract him. This is not about you mismanaging his attention. Talk to him about this. It's fine to have difficult conversations and if you can't do that and come to a resolution that you both can embrace, spend your time looking for someone who does do that with you.
posted by quince at 10:07 AM on February 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
Also how do we go about making our partners better people so they don’t look elsewhere?
We do this by breaking up with the partners who aren't good for us, and finding partners who are better for us.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:11 PM on February 10, 2018 [9 favorites]
We do this by breaking up with the partners who aren't good for us, and finding partners who are better for us.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:11 PM on February 10, 2018 [9 favorites]
Yeah I know this is probably a hard pill to swallow, but really: being single is so much better than being with a guy like this. I have spent so many years of my adult life just burning time with men who didn't treat me well. It's not worth it. I wish you the best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 1:18 PM on February 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by sockermom at 1:18 PM on February 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
If he's interested in someone else, just break up with him already. The inevitable will happen either sooner or later and if it's going to inevitably end, just bite the bullet now instead of dragging out your ambiguous confusion and worry and dread for longer. (I'm not going to track down anything you said earlier but will trust other posters in that he is probably not so awesome.) Also, lord knows there probably isn't a way to make someone become interested in you again once you become Old Cow.
I was just reading Theft by Finding and at one point David Sedaris was reading some women's magazine that blamed infidelity on the girlfriend. "The article suggested that a man’s infidelity is always the wife’s or girlfriend’s fault. It never considers that maybe he’s just an asshole.” It's not you, it's him.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:55 PM on February 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
I was just reading Theft by Finding and at one point David Sedaris was reading some women's magazine that blamed infidelity on the girlfriend. "The article suggested that a man’s infidelity is always the wife’s or girlfriend’s fault. It never considers that maybe he’s just an asshole.” It's not you, it's him.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:55 PM on February 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
It depends on why he's being distant. If you are sending signals that read as "I don't really want to spend time with you" and he's acting on that, maybe he isn't an asshole. Maybe you just need to have a talk about what it is you both want/need.
The sad part comes in when you make it clear that what's happening now doesn't work for you, you explicate what you need, and very little changes. That's when you can be pretty sure it isn't about either of you unintentionally sending the wrong signals due to stress or whatever and is actually about something that won't just pass on its own.
It sucks, but sometimes the answer is DTMFA. If you are at the point where playing mind games seems like your best option, it's probably time.
posted by wierdo at 3:24 PM on February 10, 2018
The sad part comes in when you make it clear that what's happening now doesn't work for you, you explicate what you need, and very little changes. That's when you can be pretty sure it isn't about either of you unintentionally sending the wrong signals due to stress or whatever and is actually about something that won't just pass on its own.
It sucks, but sometimes the answer is DTMFA. If you are at the point where playing mind games seems like your best option, it's probably time.
posted by wierdo at 3:24 PM on February 10, 2018
I've encountered this several times (in my own life and in the lives of my friends), so I can only go on experiences that mirror yours based on what you've said here.
In every other example of this kind of behavior from a man in a relationship, what he's doing is opting not to choose, so that eventually you'll have to choose for him (i.e. dump him), allowing him to come off as the poor dumped boyfriend, and you end up the "mean" or "crazy" one who kicked him out over nothing! What luck that there is this other, wonderful woman who he never thought would be so kind as to comfort him after you dump him, and then things just grew from there, you know, and hey now they're dating!
He wants to break it off, but he wants you to be the villain in the picture. I don't know what to tell you to do, because the situation stinks.
I mean, there's always honesty. Sit him down and tell him that the way he acts and talks about this other woman is harming your relationship, and ask him to be honest with you. He probably won't be, but it's worth a shot.
posted by tzikeh at 8:17 PM on February 10, 2018 [6 favorites]
In every other example of this kind of behavior from a man in a relationship, what he's doing is opting not to choose, so that eventually you'll have to choose for him (i.e. dump him), allowing him to come off as the poor dumped boyfriend, and you end up the "mean" or "crazy" one who kicked him out over nothing! What luck that there is this other, wonderful woman who he never thought would be so kind as to comfort him after you dump him, and then things just grew from there, you know, and hey now they're dating!
He wants to break it off, but he wants you to be the villain in the picture. I don't know what to tell you to do, because the situation stinks.
I mean, there's always honesty. Sit him down and tell him that the way he acts and talks about this other woman is harming your relationship, and ask him to be honest with you. He probably won't be, but it's worth a shot.
posted by tzikeh at 8:17 PM on February 10, 2018 [6 favorites]
You can't make anyone better. You can ask someone to meet your needs. If they can't or won't, you can find someone who will.
posted by hollyholly at 10:21 PM on February 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by hollyholly at 10:21 PM on February 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
I was once in a situation like this. I was much much more invested in my partner than he was in me. His attention was fickle, and it made me desperate to prove I was worthy of it. Eventually, he broke up with me because I was "too insecure."
After that, I started searching specifically on OkCupid for men who were nice, for men who thought partners should support each other..... And lo and behold, I have had 3 happy relationships, one ending in marriage, where I have NEVER felt insecure for a moment.
Your boyfriend sounds avoidant, like my ex. Half the population is NOT, and they will love you and make sure you know it. And you will not feel insecure, you will feel free to love yourself and take care of yourself.
I think aniola has good advice, but I don't know if it will work in this relationship. Reach out to friends and family, ask for their help and support, and STRONGLY consider ending this relationship. If it is truly your first, you should give yourself the chance to have more, better relationships in your life.
posted by thelastpolarbear at 4:54 AM on February 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
After that, I started searching specifically on OkCupid for men who were nice, for men who thought partners should support each other..... And lo and behold, I have had 3 happy relationships, one ending in marriage, where I have NEVER felt insecure for a moment.
Your boyfriend sounds avoidant, like my ex. Half the population is NOT, and they will love you and make sure you know it. And you will not feel insecure, you will feel free to love yourself and take care of yourself.
I think aniola has good advice, but I don't know if it will work in this relationship. Reach out to friends and family, ask for their help and support, and STRONGLY consider ending this relationship. If it is truly your first, you should give yourself the chance to have more, better relationships in your life.
posted by thelastpolarbear at 4:54 AM on February 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
Your relationship is over and has been for a a few months now. He is no longer interested. Don’t be the woman who waits for her man to make the decision. Leave.
posted by Kwadeng at 11:58 PM on February 12, 2018
posted by Kwadeng at 11:58 PM on February 12, 2018
Just because you're asking somewhat passively, it occurs to me to add that if you haven't explicitly called out what he's doing as problematic for you, go ahead and do that. Asking him if he's attracted to someone else is not the same thing as asking him to either make more time for you or tone it down with his new friend.
Explicitly schedule a date night. Ask him to make it a standing weekly/monthly/whatever thing. If he has a problem with that after you've explained what you need him to do or if you've already explicitly stated your needs, that's when it's time to think about heading for the door.
That's unless you need someone who is good at reading your mind, in which case there's no need for any more talk, you need to move on since this guy can't do it. Which is fine, different strokes for different folks. Sometimes asking is very hard, especially when you feel like you're risking rejection, but it's always worth it. How he responds (in word and in deed) will tell you everything you need to know.
posted by wierdo at 4:49 AM on February 13, 2018
Explicitly schedule a date night. Ask him to make it a standing weekly/monthly/whatever thing. If he has a problem with that after you've explained what you need him to do or if you've already explicitly stated your needs, that's when it's time to think about heading for the door.
That's unless you need someone who is good at reading your mind, in which case there's no need for any more talk, you need to move on since this guy can't do it. Which is fine, different strokes for different folks. Sometimes asking is very hard, especially when you feel like you're risking rejection, but it's always worth it. How he responds (in word and in deed) will tell you everything you need to know.
posted by wierdo at 4:49 AM on February 13, 2018
I just read a book that will change your brain on this: He's Scared, She's Scared. Otherwise known as "why he does this and why you should kick him to the curb because he's on his way out anyway." Lord, I needed this like ages ago.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:11 PM on February 13, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:11 PM on February 13, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Act like yourself. He may or may not regain his attraction to you.
I was told to act distant. What does that look like?
Don’t do this. When you act distant, people logically assume you’re not interested in them. If you’re interested, act interested.
Also how do we go about making our partners better people so they don’t look elsewhere?
You can’t make anyone do anything or become anything.
We live together and I feel like familiarity is breeding contempt in my relationship and I don’t know what to do to spice things up so he’s not running to his friend as an escape.
Maybe this relationship has run its course. Consider what kind of person your boyfriend is, to get to a stage in your relationship and decide that instead of being honest and working on it with you, he would instead lie (if that is the case) and spend time with another woman. It isn’t on you to be more attractive and to make him a better person so he doesn’t decide to cheat. It’s on him to BE a better person and to act with integrity in his relationships. If he’s the kind of person who doesn’t do that, better for you to know that now.
I’d say it’s time for a sit-down with the BF and explain what you’ve observed (that he’s always spending time with her and talking about her) and give him a chance to be honest and to work on things with you. If he doesn’t do that, if the obvious investment in someone else continues while your relationship languishes, then you should know that YOU can decide, on your own, that this isn’t what you signed up for and to break up.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:10 AM on February 10, 2018 [65 favorites]