How do I make myself less available to him?
February 5, 2018 4:14 PM Subscribe
I have romantic feelings for a male friend. He shares my feelings but has been tentative about starting a relationship. I feel that I’ve been too available and too accommodating, and that’s making it easier for him to drag his feet. I really really like him and would like to try being less available/accommodating to see if that helps motivate him.
I realize that what I’m asking can be considered manipulative. I’m okay with that so long as it doesn’t spill over into being mean. I’ve been initiating contact less, but I don’t really know what else to do. It’s especially hard because my personality is already very “accommodating hostess Southern woman” and when we’re together I think I’m too quick to anticipate his needs. I worry that I come off as more patient and indulgent than I'd like because of that.
What can I do to show him I won’t wait forever? I have no other prospects in the wings, so it’d be a lie to act like all these other men are interested. I’m not sure what else to do that is fair to both of us. He and I just have a great time together and tons in common and I feel good with him and I don’t want to give up too soon. And I'd like to at least try to motivate him before I accept that he’ll never be ready.
I realize that what I’m asking can be considered manipulative. I’m okay with that so long as it doesn’t spill over into being mean. I’ve been initiating contact less, but I don’t really know what else to do. It’s especially hard because my personality is already very “accommodating hostess Southern woman” and when we’re together I think I’m too quick to anticipate his needs. I worry that I come off as more patient and indulgent than I'd like because of that.
What can I do to show him I won’t wait forever? I have no other prospects in the wings, so it’d be a lie to act like all these other men are interested. I’m not sure what else to do that is fair to both of us. He and I just have a great time together and tons in common and I feel good with him and I don’t want to give up too soon. And I'd like to at least try to motivate him before I accept that he’ll never be ready.
The problem as you are conceiving it is a bit of a paradox. It's so human, and we women especially have been socialized into it completely, but it's still a paradox. That is: trying to *seem* less interested in a guy to make him interested in you just... won't really work long term, because of course it's just another way that you're too interested in him. You actually *really* have to become someone who isn't that available, not because you're "mean" or "manipulative" in your terms, but because you *really* have other things that are very important to you. It doesn't have to be other men waiting in the wings. It really has to be your own life, your own need to do something else in the world that's very important to you beyond be in a relationship. It could be volunteering at the animal shelter, getting into a hobby, helping out at a Goodwill, whatever. If you, a person with actual real other profound interests and obligations and distractions, is attractive to this guy, then your relationship will be coming from a place of strength and you'll be less vulnerable to insecurity about his attentions. If he isn't attracted to that, well, then you still have a more developed self, and that's who you're going to have to wake up with for the rest of your life anyway.
posted by velveeta underground at 4:34 PM on February 5, 2018 [77 favorites]
posted by velveeta underground at 4:34 PM on February 5, 2018 [77 favorites]
Just to answer the question: Stop initiating contact at all, and let him do the work of contacting you. Even if you don't have other men waiting in the wings, get busy - take some classes, volunteer, pick up an extra project at work, join Tindr (you don't have to sleep with people, just text them and go on some coffee dates), learn a new language, get into yoga, buy a ukulele and find a club, etc. Get yourself out and mingling. If he texts or emails, wait to respond (this is where the being busy comes in, it's easier not to check your texts every 3 seconds if you are up to your elbows in pottery clay).
However, as someone who has spent a lot of time waiting on guys who weren't moving things forward (and who is now single because none of that waiting around paid off): You deserve someone who is not wishy-washy about being with you, who is free and willing to do so now. You deserve someone who says "OH HELL YES" to the idea of a relationship with you.
I like BlahLaLa's script.
(Also consider reading the book Attached).
posted by bunderful at 4:36 PM on February 5, 2018 [11 favorites]
However, as someone who has spent a lot of time waiting on guys who weren't moving things forward (and who is now single because none of that waiting around paid off): You deserve someone who is not wishy-washy about being with you, who is free and willing to do so now. You deserve someone who says "OH HELL YES" to the idea of a relationship with you.
I like BlahLaLa's script.
(Also consider reading the book Attached).
posted by bunderful at 4:36 PM on February 5, 2018 [11 favorites]
How patient and indulgent would you like to be? Try doing that!
What if he isn't interested in starting a relationship? What would you do? Spend more time on yourself? with other friends? trying to find some you do want to date? Then have BlahLaLa's conversation and if you don't like what you here, feel free to make the choices that bring more of what you do want in your life. You show him that you won't wait forever by being willing to move forward - and moving forward doesn't have to be rushing out to find another guy, it just means not waiting by the phone for this guy to call.
It can be really hard to show up in a more authentic way, when you have been socialized to always take care of the other person first. View this as a chance to practice.
posted by metahawk at 4:37 PM on February 5, 2018
What if he isn't interested in starting a relationship? What would you do? Spend more time on yourself? with other friends? trying to find some you do want to date? Then have BlahLaLa's conversation and if you don't like what you here, feel free to make the choices that bring more of what you do want in your life. You show him that you won't wait forever by being willing to move forward - and moving forward doesn't have to be rushing out to find another guy, it just means not waiting by the phone for this guy to call.
It can be really hard to show up in a more authentic way, when you have been socialized to always take care of the other person first. View this as a chance to practice.
posted by metahawk at 4:37 PM on February 5, 2018
Begin as you mean to go on. Do you always want to have to figure out how to motivate him by passively altering your behavior, trying to figure out how to get him to respond the way you want him to respond?
Maybe you do, in which case treat him as though you're dating someone else. Not by offhandedly joking about all the bad dates you've been on recently, haha, but by having less time to hang out, being less obliging when you're around him. What might help with this: notice some of his flaws and exaggerate them in your mind. This will help you treat him like your friend's kid brother, like "that's cute, but I'm probably out of your league."
NB, I have never been successful in deliberately manipulating a man into doing anything.
posted by All hands bury the dead at 4:38 PM on February 5, 2018 [7 favorites]
Maybe you do, in which case treat him as though you're dating someone else. Not by offhandedly joking about all the bad dates you've been on recently, haha, but by having less time to hang out, being less obliging when you're around him. What might help with this: notice some of his flaws and exaggerate them in your mind. This will help you treat him like your friend's kid brother, like "that's cute, but I'm probably out of your league."
NB, I have never been successful in deliberately manipulating a man into doing anything.
posted by All hands bury the dead at 4:38 PM on February 5, 2018 [7 favorites]
Be busier.
Your motivations are up to you, but if you want to stop doing a thing you feel you're doing too much, the answer is to do more of something else. Decide to do something to improve YOUR life in the near future: take a class or professional training course, volunteer, re-dedicate yourself to maintaining your other friendships so that if that guy thing does work out for you, you're not that person who dumps all her other friends the second she gets a boyfriend only to get dumped six months later for having no other life outside him. And if it doesn't work out? You've got plenty of plans with your friends, you've been working on your career, and you have things to do with your time.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:55 PM on February 5, 2018 [6 favorites]
Your motivations are up to you, but if you want to stop doing a thing you feel you're doing too much, the answer is to do more of something else. Decide to do something to improve YOUR life in the near future: take a class or professional training course, volunteer, re-dedicate yourself to maintaining your other friendships so that if that guy thing does work out for you, you're not that person who dumps all her other friends the second she gets a boyfriend only to get dumped six months later for having no other life outside him. And if it doesn't work out? You've got plenty of plans with your friends, you've been working on your career, and you have things to do with your time.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:55 PM on February 5, 2018 [6 favorites]
Best answer: As VU said, actually BECOME less available. This doesn't have to mean starting new hobbies or anything; it's a headspace thing. Step back from the idea of a relationship with him and move on mentally. (This shouldn't be TOO hard to do, given how little he's doing to maintain your interest in him!) Think of him however you do other friends whom you see as often as him; respond to him with the same enthusiasm and frequency you would them.
If you can't do that and are really sure you want to do this for someone who can only move forward if he senses scarcity, you could establish set waiting periods so you don't need to consider when to respond each time. Such as at least 18 hours to respond to a text, only agree to plans if they're at least two days away, etc. If possible, change notification settings so you only see his messages when you're going to respond, so you don't waste time thinking about what you're going to say in the interim.
posted by metasarah at 4:56 PM on February 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
If you can't do that and are really sure you want to do this for someone who can only move forward if he senses scarcity, you could establish set waiting periods so you don't need to consider when to respond each time. Such as at least 18 hours to respond to a text, only agree to plans if they're at least two days away, etc. If possible, change notification settings so you only see his messages when you're going to respond, so you don't waste time thinking about what you're going to say in the interim.
posted by metasarah at 4:56 PM on February 5, 2018 [3 favorites]
Is your goal to be in a relationship? If so, keep at it. Keep meeting new people, keep being open to all possibilities, keep being available for anyone who is going to step up and be awesome for you. This one guy can decide if he wants to be that person or not, and you can then decide if you want him to be that person or not if and when he steps up. But that should not stop you from working towards your goal. Don’t become someone you are not for anyone.
posted by Vaike at 4:58 PM on February 5, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Vaike at 4:58 PM on February 5, 2018 [4 favorites]
It seems like you already have a distancer/pursuer dynamic with this guy, and you're not even dating.
There's nothing more tedious than being in this kind of relationship -- basically you push for more closeness and he keeps you at arms length until you get sick of it and give up. Then he comes around enough to give you hope before retreating again and having the whole cycle restart.
This isn't just something that happens before a relationship, it happens within relationships, within marriages, and it's a huge waste of time, energy and life. A script like Blahlala's is your best hope of avoiding it.
posted by mrmurbles at 5:19 PM on February 5, 2018 [20 favorites]
There's nothing more tedious than being in this kind of relationship -- basically you push for more closeness and he keeps you at arms length until you get sick of it and give up. Then he comes around enough to give you hope before retreating again and having the whole cycle restart.
This isn't just something that happens before a relationship, it happens within relationships, within marriages, and it's a huge waste of time, energy and life. A script like Blahlala's is your best hope of avoiding it.
posted by mrmurbles at 5:19 PM on February 5, 2018 [20 favorites]
Some people (especially women, who are socialized to believe they must put in a lion's share of the effort to make their relationships work) see relationships as a sort of unilateral game or contest that they need to play in just the right strategic way in order to get the results that they want. It's a pernicious view of relationships. The reality is that romantic relationships are something two people do together through mutual consent and effort, and the two of you need to be equally on board and putting in an equitable level of effort, or it'll never be a happy, healthy relationship. If this guy doesn't genuinely want to be with you and isn't putting in the work to make that happen, no amount of manoeuvring on your part is going to make him step up.
You haven't provided details about how much time you've spent together or how far you've gone. If you've been dating for awhile, and have even slept together, then you can tell the guy you want a monogamous relationship like BlahLaLa suggests and see what he says. If it's earlier stages, then dial back your level of effort and your expectations. Meet him no more than halfway, i.e., he gets one call or text for every one he makes to you; if you've been the one to suggest/plan the last date then you wait for him to suggest/plan the next one. Once you're mirroring his level of effort instead of trying to row the boat by yourself, the relationship will either come together through mutual consent or die a quick and natural death.
It would be lovely if he either says or demonstrates through his actions that he wants to be your boyfriend, but if it should turn out that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then your next move will be to accept that and move on to looking for a guy who is eager to be with you and is worth your time and effort.
posted by orange swan at 5:55 PM on February 5, 2018 [7 favorites]
You haven't provided details about how much time you've spent together or how far you've gone. If you've been dating for awhile, and have even slept together, then you can tell the guy you want a monogamous relationship like BlahLaLa suggests and see what he says. If it's earlier stages, then dial back your level of effort and your expectations. Meet him no more than halfway, i.e., he gets one call or text for every one he makes to you; if you've been the one to suggest/plan the last date then you wait for him to suggest/plan the next one. Once you're mirroring his level of effort instead of trying to row the boat by yourself, the relationship will either come together through mutual consent or die a quick and natural death.
It would be lovely if he either says or demonstrates through his actions that he wants to be your boyfriend, but if it should turn out that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then your next move will be to accept that and move on to looking for a guy who is eager to be with you and is worth your time and effort.
posted by orange swan at 5:55 PM on February 5, 2018 [7 favorites]
Just tell him exactly what you wrote here and see how he responds. You tell him you like him and respect his need for time but also don't want to wait forever. And that if he's just not interested and ready, you respect that and will move on. I agree with what others have said about going on to live your own rad life. If he comes around, then great! If not, you'll be doing your thing and someone better will come your way.
I hate to say it but I don't think this guy actually wants to date you because, if he did want to date you, he would be dating you already. Which is too bad for him because you are amazing but that's life. I'm not sure if he's just not into you that way and he's trying to let you down gently or if he's a jerk but, regardless, the result is the same.
Most of us have been in your shoes and, sadly, it did not work out for 99% of us. Fortunately, we were able to move on eventually and live the badass single life, date awesome people (or do something, anything else different.) A friend of mine shared this sage, frank dating article with me when I was in your shoes a few years ago: while I wasn't ready to admit it at the time, I totally agree with it and her now. Chances are that you've been in the opposite situation before, too? Think about what you were saying to the people versus what you were actually feeling and whether they got it or not. Chances are some did and others didn't.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:28 PM on February 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
I hate to say it but I don't think this guy actually wants to date you because, if he did want to date you, he would be dating you already. Which is too bad for him because you are amazing but that's life. I'm not sure if he's just not into you that way and he's trying to let you down gently or if he's a jerk but, regardless, the result is the same.
Most of us have been in your shoes and, sadly, it did not work out for 99% of us. Fortunately, we were able to move on eventually and live the badass single life, date awesome people (or do something, anything else different.) A friend of mine shared this sage, frank dating article with me when I was in your shoes a few years ago: while I wasn't ready to admit it at the time, I totally agree with it and her now. Chances are that you've been in the opposite situation before, too? Think about what you were saying to the people versus what you were actually feeling and whether they got it or not. Chances are some did and others didn't.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:28 PM on February 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
Mod note: Couple of comments deleted. The general suggestion "don't try this" has been made amply; at this point let's please focus on offering concrete, specific ways OP can try being less available or taking a step back.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 8:50 PM on February 5, 2018
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 8:50 PM on February 5, 2018
I think you might as well say clearly what you're doing. It'll still work, if it's going to work. tell him that since you've asked him out and he said no (I am assuming this is true and if not, make it true) it is too painful for you to spend so much time with him, knowing he isn't interested. (and if he has not said yes to whatever you asked him, he is officially uninterested, whether he likes hearing it described that way or not. if he won't tell you yes, you hear a no. as you should! he needs to know he can't coast on a Maybe. If it's not a yes, it's a no, and your only ethical option is to behave as though you've been firmly rejected. He should know this already as a general principle, but he may not want to realize it applies to him just as much as to women.) he will protest that this isn't what he meant. don't let him. if he meant something else, he can say it.
it is fine to decide you are only going to spend intimate time with him as part of a couple, and since he is not willing to form a couple, you have to stop. but if he doesn't know that's your motivation for withdrawing, he's just as likely to think you changed your mind and stopped liking him. so you have to tell him. simply, lightly, no pressure, no resentment, no blame. but final. not to punish him, but because you have too much self-respect to wait and hope any longer.
women are encouraged to think of expressing any desire, in any way, no matter how direct, as manipulation. and I hear you that manipulation isn't bad as long as it's not mean, and I agree. but this wouldn't even be manipulative. you want to be with him, you're honest about it, but you aren't going to punish yourself with the constant company of a man who doesn't want you. and if he does want you, he'll have to do something about it. if he can be inspired to do something about it, this should make it happen. if not, he can't be.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:34 PM on February 5, 2018 [4 favorites]
it is fine to decide you are only going to spend intimate time with him as part of a couple, and since he is not willing to form a couple, you have to stop. but if he doesn't know that's your motivation for withdrawing, he's just as likely to think you changed your mind and stopped liking him. so you have to tell him. simply, lightly, no pressure, no resentment, no blame. but final. not to punish him, but because you have too much self-respect to wait and hope any longer.
women are encouraged to think of expressing any desire, in any way, no matter how direct, as manipulation. and I hear you that manipulation isn't bad as long as it's not mean, and I agree. but this wouldn't even be manipulative. you want to be with him, you're honest about it, but you aren't going to punish yourself with the constant company of a man who doesn't want you. and if he does want you, he'll have to do something about it. if he can be inspired to do something about it, this should make it happen. if not, he can't be.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:34 PM on February 5, 2018 [4 favorites]
I saw this articleHow to Stop Rushing into Love in the NYT this morning and think it is very relevant to your question. If you can't access the article because you have reached your limit, clear the cookies out of your browser.
Advocating for your needs is often difficult, but it’s made even more so when those needs conflict with your short-term wants. Whether it’s a roommate who liberally “borrows” your almond milk or a boss who emails urgent requests at all hours, most of us have at least one relationship that would be infinitely healthier with clear, mutually constructive boundaries.
Experts call this differentiation: “Having a strong enough sense of self that you can properly balance the inevitable tension between the I and the we in a relationship,” Dr. Snyder said.
posted by waving at 5:14 AM on February 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
Advocating for your needs is often difficult, but it’s made even more so when those needs conflict with your short-term wants. Whether it’s a roommate who liberally “borrows” your almond milk or a boss who emails urgent requests at all hours, most of us have at least one relationship that would be infinitely healthier with clear, mutually constructive boundaries.
Experts call this differentiation: “Having a strong enough sense of self that you can properly balance the inevitable tension between the I and the we in a relationship,” Dr. Snyder said.
posted by waving at 5:14 AM on February 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
I've found that when I'm actively trying to be less available and less responsive to a person, it never works. It's very difficult to achieve a negative. Although you may not be doing something about them, you're still DOING something ABOUT them-- in consciously avoiding them, they stay top of mind. The only end point to this is failure, and beating yourself up, and giving in to the 'inevitable'.
Stop not doing something about him, and instead do something which is all about you. Take the energy you currently spend on him, and sublime it into something active and positive for yourself, which is creative and constructive, and makes you feel good and happy. What are your hobbies? What are your passions? What haven't you paid enough attention to of late? Who are your friends, and who amongst them might like to join you?
As your calendar and your life fills up, you will naturally have less time for him. He may notice or he may not. Eventually, hopefully, this will be irrelevant. You deserve someone for whom really really liking you is motivation enough. Until then, I hope you have a kick-arse life filled with activities that you love and the wonderful art, projects, community and friends you have created.
posted by roshy at 5:54 AM on February 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
Stop not doing something about him, and instead do something which is all about you. Take the energy you currently spend on him, and sublime it into something active and positive for yourself, which is creative and constructive, and makes you feel good and happy. What are your hobbies? What are your passions? What haven't you paid enough attention to of late? Who are your friends, and who amongst them might like to join you?
As your calendar and your life fills up, you will naturally have less time for him. He may notice or he may not. Eventually, hopefully, this will be irrelevant. You deserve someone for whom really really liking you is motivation enough. Until then, I hope you have a kick-arse life filled with activities that you love and the wonderful art, projects, community and friends you have created.
posted by roshy at 5:54 AM on February 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
I actually agree with velveeta underground here, that chasing down someone like this by pretending the chase isn’t happening is counterproductive.
That said— I faded out on a new friendship with someone because, it could be argued, she was “too available”. Every time she texted me, it was an invitation to hang out in the almost immediate future, and if I didn’t answer her quickly enough, she would send reminders. I did the grownup thing and told her I don’t really do well with that texting style, and I sometimes need more warning to hang out, and that I have anxiety issues with texting, etc. She took all that in, and didn’t change. It got to the point where seeing a message from her immediately made my pulse jump with anxiety, because there was always an implied deadline. (I was also going through some REALLY rough stuff with my family at the time, and sometimes I did not have the wherewithal to do impromptu coffee hangout with pleasant conversation.)
If there is any chance at all that this is your texting style and this dude is anxious and weird like me, here is what I wish she had done:
-chilled out. If you ask someone to hang and you don’t hear back, assume they are busy and go do the cool thing on your own or with someone else or go do a different cool thing.
-sent texts that were about nothing— dumb pictures, recounting weird thing seen on city bus, reaction to tv show, complaint about annoying coworker. The fact that none of her texts were [cool thing that doesn’t require a response or thinking] is part of what made me dread getting them. It felt like she always wanted me to make decisions right away, but never checked in for any other reason.
-let me know that invitations included other people. Sometimes I just wasn’t up for one-on-one things, but I could handle being around a group where I wouldn’t have to carry half the conversation. Maybe letting him know that you’re still up for friend-style hangs even in the midst of wanting to date him would be reassuring, especially if any of his reluctance comes from a fear of losing your friendship.
Also, this: “when we’re together I think I’m too quick to anticipate his needs”
I have a family member who tries to do this, and maybe you are better at it, but it can be intensely annoying.
[I pull blanket over my lap]
Family member: Are you cold? Do you want me to turn the house heat up? Or I could bring the portable radiator into this room. I can close the doors if a breeze is coming through.
Me: I just— wanted a blanket on my lap. Oh, but do you mind if I turn the volume down on the tv?
Family member: You can change the channel! I’m barely even watching this. Here are all of the remotes. Or we can watch that movie you mentioned last week.
Me: I just— want the volume to be lower???
It can be very overwhelming! Again, you probably don’t go this far, but just in case. I know it is rooted in love, but it can end up feeling like surveillance, which I find very uncomfortable.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 7:02 AM on February 6, 2018 [7 favorites]
That said— I faded out on a new friendship with someone because, it could be argued, she was “too available”. Every time she texted me, it was an invitation to hang out in the almost immediate future, and if I didn’t answer her quickly enough, she would send reminders. I did the grownup thing and told her I don’t really do well with that texting style, and I sometimes need more warning to hang out, and that I have anxiety issues with texting, etc. She took all that in, and didn’t change. It got to the point where seeing a message from her immediately made my pulse jump with anxiety, because there was always an implied deadline. (I was also going through some REALLY rough stuff with my family at the time, and sometimes I did not have the wherewithal to do impromptu coffee hangout with pleasant conversation.)
If there is any chance at all that this is your texting style and this dude is anxious and weird like me, here is what I wish she had done:
-chilled out. If you ask someone to hang and you don’t hear back, assume they are busy and go do the cool thing on your own or with someone else or go do a different cool thing.
-sent texts that were about nothing— dumb pictures, recounting weird thing seen on city bus, reaction to tv show, complaint about annoying coworker. The fact that none of her texts were [cool thing that doesn’t require a response or thinking] is part of what made me dread getting them. It felt like she always wanted me to make decisions right away, but never checked in for any other reason.
-let me know that invitations included other people. Sometimes I just wasn’t up for one-on-one things, but I could handle being around a group where I wouldn’t have to carry half the conversation. Maybe letting him know that you’re still up for friend-style hangs even in the midst of wanting to date him would be reassuring, especially if any of his reluctance comes from a fear of losing your friendship.
Also, this: “when we’re together I think I’m too quick to anticipate his needs”
I have a family member who tries to do this, and maybe you are better at it, but it can be intensely annoying.
[I pull blanket over my lap]
Family member: Are you cold? Do you want me to turn the house heat up? Or I could bring the portable radiator into this room. I can close the doors if a breeze is coming through.
Me: I just— wanted a blanket on my lap. Oh, but do you mind if I turn the volume down on the tv?
Family member: You can change the channel! I’m barely even watching this. Here are all of the remotes. Or we can watch that movie you mentioned last week.
Me: I just— want the volume to be lower???
It can be very overwhelming! Again, you probably don’t go this far, but just in case. I know it is rooted in love, but it can end up feeling like surveillance, which I find very uncomfortable.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 7:02 AM on February 6, 2018 [7 favorites]
Stop initiating contact at all, and let him do the work of contacting you.
Seconding this. It also proves how much interest he has in you. If you never hear from him again.... then you know.
I can say from experience that only ONCE EVER has someone who I put on that status has ever contacted me again, and even that one has stopped contacting me again.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:24 PM on February 6, 2018
Seconding this. It also proves how much interest he has in you. If you never hear from him again.... then you know.
I can say from experience that only ONCE EVER has someone who I put on that status has ever contacted me again, and even that one has stopped contacting me again.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:24 PM on February 6, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
Really great relationships aren't hard work. Keep reminding yourself of that.
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:23 PM on February 5, 2018 [52 favorites]