Out-complain the complainer

January 31, 2018 7:44 AM

Suppose you think you have a valid complaint to make about a situation, to an individual who is in a position to alleviate the conditions leading to the complaint. Suppose, every time you attempt to address the issue, they immediately launch into a counter complaint of their own. More details after the jump.

The counter complaint is entirely unrelated to you, or something that isn't an issue you have the power to address. They keep it up for an x amount of time till you lose patience and give up on your own complaint. Imagine this happens over and over again, till such time this begins to feel a bit calculated. Imagine no other recourse available. They are the only ones who can fix the situation, but they refuse to even begin to address it. This isn't someone you can directly call out on account of a massive power imbalance in the relationship.
How would you deal?

posted by Nieshka to Human Relations (20 answers total)

I'd put it in writing.
posted by headnsouth at 7:56 AM on January 31, 2018 [3 favorites]

I'd stop going to that person to complain. And I'd find another job.
posted by greta simone at 7:59 AM on January 31, 2018 [4 favorites]

"Let's address my issue first, and then we'll address yours."
"I'm sorry about your complaint, and I'm interested in addressing it later, but can we focus on mine right now?"
Something along those lines.
posted by Melismata at 8:01 AM on January 31, 2018 [5 favorites]

Rather than framing it as a complaint and presenting it as such maybe reword the content to the listener so as appear as a suggestion to rectify a problematic situation or behavior as a win win readjustment without emphasizing the listeners role in the problem.
posted by waving at 8:02 AM on January 31, 2018 [2 favorites]

"I hear you. I hear you are frustrated about 'X.' Do you hear me? Do you hear that I need your help on 'Y'?"

"Can you and I work together to address 'Y' or not?"
posted by amanda at 8:03 AM on January 31, 2018 [6 favorites]

Could you change the subject back to your issue? Or point to time constraints?

"Oh wow, that sounds terrible, I'm so sorry to hear about that. That's the same reason this toilet situation is bothering me, because..."

"Sorry to interrupt, but I know you have to go at 10:15, so I wanted to circle back around to the broken toilet. Do you think you would be able to allocate money for that in the department's budget this year?"
posted by salvia at 8:06 AM on January 31, 2018 [3 favorites]

The first thing I would do is, as headnsouth mentioned above, is put the complaint in writing. Include any actions you think are necessary to remedy the situation.

From the cautious wording of your question, I wonder whether or not this is a job-related complaint as I first assumed. I think that the process would differ slightly if I were complaining to my significant other or parent rather than an employer/manager. Can you clarify as to whether this is related to your job, or whether it is with a significant other, or informal group or other issue?

Ultimately, though, leaving the situation is the last option. If it is job related, and the situation isn't fixed, you find a new job. If it's with a significant other, you terminate the relationship. If its your football coach, you quit the team. You have to do the complaining, with documentation preferably, to demonstrate that you tried to fix it, but that they were unresponsive.
posted by China Grover at 8:08 AM on January 31, 2018 [11 favorites]

This situation is familiar to me. I usually use something along the lines of salvia's approach: "Wow, I had no idea that was going on, that is so rough. It sounds like things are crazy right now, but if you could carve out an hour or so sometime this week to [address issue], it would really make life a lot easier for me and the team. Then we might be able to [do something useful to help address their issue, if possible/applicable]."

Getting it writing is also a good idea, if possible. If nothing's happened again after a week or so, sending a "per our conversation last week, I was reaching out to see if you'd heard any news on [issue]" email could serve as a gentle reminder.

Are there other people that are affected by this issue? If they're not also reaching out about it, maybe they can also reach out to this supervisor, or maybe you can have a joint meeting about it. Sometimes when it looks like a departmental issue rather than an individual issue, that can lend a little more weight to the complaint and maybe give them some pause if they start to respond with the usual, "Yes, I know that's a problem, but here is what's on my plate right now" complaint spiel.
posted by helloimjennsco at 8:24 AM on January 31, 2018 [2 favorites]

Imagine this happens over and over again, till such time this begins to feel a bit calculated. Imagine no other recourse available. They are the only ones who can fix the situation, but they refuse to even begin to address it.

I think you've eliminated everything you can do about the situation because of the power imbalance. This person has learned that this tactic works and will continue to use it. If possible, removing yourself from the situation entirely seems like the only option.
posted by FencingGal at 8:24 AM on January 31, 2018 [1 favorite]

If nothing's happened again after a week or so, sending a "per our conversation last week, I was reaching out to see if you'd heard any news on [issue]" email could serve as a gentle reminder.

This is good. You could do that today! Even if it seems like you weren't heard in the last meeting, you should move forward as though you were and having it in writing is perfect.
posted by amanda at 8:26 AM on January 31, 2018 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Three points of clarification:
(1) while the immediate trigger is definitely the job/supervisor, I am hoping to pick up some ways to be a better advocate for myself in general.
(2) leaving isn't an option right now, and in the larger scheme of things I wouldn't even want to. I like my job, I like most people and I love the (highly competitive in the industry) pay.
(3) a last query I had entirely forgotten to put in the post (apologies), but this is obviously a frustrating experience. Till such time as I figure out a solid pushback, how do I cope/vent/ignore?
Many thanks for the quick responses! I'm reading with great interest and making notes.
posted by Nieshka at 8:27 AM on January 31, 2018

I deal with this with my husband, so I can be more frank. I tell him that I want to address the issue at hand and that this isn't time for an airing of grievances. I'm not sure if this is actionable unless you are able to be frank to a certain degree about it.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:33 AM on January 31, 2018 [1 favorite]

Have you ever heard the saying "Don't come to me with a problem unless you have a solution?" (Ugh, I find that really annoying from a boss, but it carries some truth.)

You may want to consider coming to this boss with solution, solution, solution, and don't even frame the problem. Assume the problem is known. Possibly, this supervisor is not grasping that you want the problem fixed, or doesn't even see how they could fix it.

Instead of saying "so, the TPS reports are not coming in on time, b/c Melissa in Accounting smokes weed at her 10am break, so I'm unable to bill clients in an timely manner" say "Can you approve the TPS reports by Monday at 10am, no matter what? Is that possible?"
posted by RajahKing at 9:23 AM on January 31, 2018 [8 favorites]

Have you put any thought into why they are doing this? Does it seem like they are scared to confront whoever it is you are asking them to confront? Does it seem like they are just lazy? Are they benefitting personally/professionally in some way from the situation remaining as it is? It seems like the way you're trying to motivate them now isn't working, so possibly you can try a different way that is more targeted at the reason why the current approach isn't working.
posted by inkyz at 9:33 AM on January 31, 2018 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: inkyz, I'd say they are benefitting professionally from status quo. That's my reading. I could be wrong, of course.
posted by Nieshka at 9:42 AM on January 31, 2018

Till such time as I figure out a solid pushback, how do I cope/vent/ignore?

Stop going to them with complaints. It doesn't appear to have any result other than frustrating you, so why do you keep doing it? I really like RajahKing and inkyz's responses here. You've got to come at this from a different angle. Present a solution for approval instead of a complaint, include some motivating factor to get them to address the complaint. You could also attempt to go around them on the org chart. Talk to their supervisor or another supervisor on their level, and when they ask why you aren't going to your supervisor with this, explain that they haven't been able to address your concerns. This can fix the problem very quickly, but you run the risk of pissing your supervisor off badly.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:07 AM on January 31, 2018 [1 favorite]

I have been in this situation, and what I did was to keep coming back to my point, and not engage them with their complaint. I have had to say "I do not feel like I am being heard here, I am coming to you with xyz, and I would like to come up with a solution." The key is to not give in to the other person when they try to get you off topic and to not say anything more than is needed, bite your tongue if you need to. Having said all this- in my experience this is a sign of a weak manager, and even if you do all the best possible talking, the person you are going to with the problem won't be able to "hear" you.
posted by momochan at 10:53 AM on January 31, 2018 [3 favorites]

Do the reflective listening thing, but also the "just asking for clarification" and "let me make sure I understand". State what they said, draw any kind of conclusion that relates what they said back to what you wanted (even if the conclusion is just that they're so busy with problem A that they don't have time for anything else), then ask how to get what you wanted (in the context of what they just said), and make a suggestion of what you could do to help (or possibly what they could do, but even if it's something only they can do, best if you phrase as how you can help them do it)

"Ok, so you're frustrated by yourproblem and yourpeople, that makes sense. And you're saying that yourproblem is your major concern, and you don't want to distract yourpeople by mentioning myproblem to them? Or is that a separate issue?
[then, no matter whether they said yes or no] Oh, I see! So what needs to happen to start changing myproblem? I could draft an email for you to send them, explaining what the issue is, or if you'd rather I did [action] directly I could do that."
posted by aimedwander at 10:59 AM on January 31, 2018

New Yorker's do this, bond via complaints. There's a word for it and I can't think of it offhand...

Offering this up so that you can stop wondering if it is calculated. It's a really bad way of bonding and communicating that's more prevalent in certain familiy or regional dynamics than other places. It's also a difficult habit to break (ask me how I know!)
posted by jbenben at 11:24 AM on January 31, 2018 [2 favorites]

Come with a specific proposal for action, rather than a complaint. Ideally, action that you can do. So you can wind up the chat with "you are dealing with so much! Wow you really carry the whole department. Ok so about my issue, I'll [go to Bob with this / circulate the new rule / just stop sending the TPS reports / whatever.]" At that point, all they can say is yes or no. If they do say no - and it sounds like they might - then at least you are out in the open.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:31 AM on January 31, 2018 [3 favorites]