Is this assault "bad" enough to file a police report? Should I?

January 26, 2018 11:10 AM

Minor assault, major repercussions....?

SO, my partner and I have been having a really, super, awful time the past few months. We are pretty much always in screaming rages with each other, and it's fucking hell. Long story short, I'm trying to decide what the next step has to be - me leave, they leave, or some combination of both but it's all very much complicated by the fact that we have small kids. Fucking kill me.

ANYHOO, one of my partner's favored methods of driving me insane is "stealing" my keys, phone, computer, etc. when he's in a rage. He doesn't ever DO anything with them, just makes MY life harder, and it really makes me just bonkers.

Last night we were, as usual, in a screaming fight, and he announced he was going out. Great. I retreat for a few minutes to cool down and realize my laptop (to clarify, my EMPLOYER'S laptop, that I use every day for work) isn't where I left it.

His backpack is in the living room as he packs to "leave" or whateverthefuck, and lo and fucking behold, there's my work laptop! AND our home laptop (which is technically work's too, but I digress)! I struck gold!

I grabbed my work computer out of the bag and head into another room. All of a sudden, partner is behind me and reaching for the laptop in my hands. I'm like WTF and start telling "Stop it! Stop!" as they continue to try and grab it....pushing me against the counter, I bashed my wrist on something, kind of plowing around me from both sides as I scream at them to let me go and that it's my WORK computer for fuck's sake. "I don't care. I don't care." was the reply.

We literally wrestled for the computer for about 1 minute, during which I screamed at them to stop over and over. They are easily double my physical strength, though about my size. I somehow managed to finally wrest myself away from them, with the computer in hand, and went to another room about to shit my pants. The last comment to me before they stormed out finally was "You better asleep close to that computer."

What. the. actual. fuck.

I wasn't scared per se, and am not scared now - but I am fucking LIVID. Partner claims that I am the root of all the trouble we're having and honestly, I AM a huge part of it. But this? Is this a reasonable reaction of an extremely angry person? Is it ever acceptable to do this? This isn't the first physical contact but I have not (yet) been hurt (I do have a bruise today on my wrist).

Should I file a police report if I have NO INTENTION of pressing charges? Is it worth it to have this on record just in case? Will partner be informed about it if I do file, even with no charges?

(I love AskMe - I really don't feel in danger, guys, truly. I'm OK and the kids are OK. I do not feel my safety is in danger, please believe me. You all rule. I am trying to DTMFA.)

posted by clseace to Human Relations (40 answers total)

File that report. If for nothing else than to establish a history of behavior because I’m guessing this behavior from them is only going to escalate.
posted by teamnap at 11:14 AM on January 26, 2018 [37 favorites]

I suspect I will not be the only one who will say this but that is deeply abusive and disturbing behaviour. Absolutely make a record of this, and a police report wouldn't hurt.
posted by Cannon Fodder at 11:15 AM on January 26, 2018 [22 favorites]

Report. Photos of bruising. Lawyer, because this person is endangering your wellbeing AND YOUR JOB.

If you lose your job for being unreliable, you will be more dependent on your abusive partner. Lawyer STAT. If money is an issue, call DV services and see if you can get a low cost consult.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. Having young children is a huge stressor on relationships, this is sadly not uncommon. I don't want you to feel ashamed, I do want you to reach out for more support and stop engaging with your ex. You guys can not solve this privately, get help. Stay safe.
posted by jbenben at 11:21 AM on January 26, 2018 [28 favorites]

I have not (yet) been hurt (I do have a bruise today on my wrist)

Yes you have. You have right there on your wrist, incontrovertible evidence that you have been physically injured by this persons anger.

File the report, call a lawyer.

Is this a reasonable reaction of an extremely angry person?

There is no amount of being angry that ever justifies violence. Feelings cannot justify violence.
posted by French Fry at 11:26 AM on January 26, 2018 [45 favorites]

One of the worst things about being in a relationship like this is that it escalates over time and you lose sense of what normal really is. The scenario you have described here is absolutely, completely horrifying and unacceptable. The only reason you aren't terrified is because you've been in it so long you've lost perspective. Stop worrying about who's to blame originally. Your partner was wrong to steal your laptop, wrong to scream at you and push you and bruise you. Maybe you've done some wrong things too, but it doesn't matter. Everybody can be wrong, or only one person can be wrong, and either way it's reason enough to get yourself to a safe place.

I don't want to tell you whether to file the police report or not, but please get yourself and your kids out of this. Imagine being a small child and seeing your parents behave this way toward each other. They'll remember it for the rest of their lives. Do you want them to remember you as somebody in a relationship like this?
posted by something something at 11:39 AM on January 26, 2018 [84 favorites]

one of my partner's favored methods of driving me insane is "stealing" my keys, phone, computer, etc. when he's in a rage.

A lot of people don't realize it, but this abusive (look under the heading isolation). They are literally trying to keep you from leaving or contacting others (and endangering your job). This is one of those huge flashing red sirens to change the situation by no longer living together. I am not surprised at all that this escalated to violence (and threats). It will escalate further.

File the report because yes it's assault and also because you might have to start building a case that they aren't safe to be around the kids alone. I know you said you don't feel in danger and that you are leaving, but I'm not sure if you realize how bad this is even before the physical violence. At the very least have an exit plan for you and the kids if filing the report makes his behavior much much worse (as it often does). Do you have any fear that he'd take the kids in the same way he takes your possessions? This is a common way for this sort of thing to escalate.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 11:41 AM on January 26, 2018 [44 favorites]

In Canada, it's not up to the individual whether or not to press charges, it's at the discretion of the officer taking the report and you aren't able to file "just to have on record." So take note of your local laws before proceeding.
Also, get the hell out. This sounds like a horribly tramautic and stressful environment for children, and is agaist the law to expose them to abuse, whether or not you personally think it warrants leaving over.
posted by OnefortheLast at 11:42 AM on January 26, 2018 [13 favorites]

Whatever you did may or may not be accpetable. I don't know that. I do know that partner's behaviour is not acceptable al all. Nothing about their behaviour is reasonable in any way.
posted by Too-Ticky at 11:43 AM on January 26, 2018 [2 favorites]

I grew up in an abusive household and what you just described is worse than a lot of what I experienced (not everything, but a lot). This is not a minor assault, and even if you don't feel in danger yourself (you are probably wrong about that, your partner sounds scary as hell), you are fucking up your kids' lives for decades to come by staying in this situation. Please file a report, press charges, and make preparations to leave this awfully dysfunctional relationship.

very much complicated by the fact that we have small kids

Yeah, this shouldn't be a reason to stay, but a reason to leave. I repeat: YOU ARE FUCKING UP YOUR KIDS' LIVES BY FORCING THEM TO LIVE LIKE THIS.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 11:48 AM on January 26, 2018 [74 favorites]

As to filing and pressing charges, you will make the report, the cops will then decide whether or not to (suggest to the DA to) press charges. They will often ask the victim if they want charges pressed because it's pretty difficult to get a conviction without their cooperation. It is true that once you bring this to the police/involve the justice system it's going to be largely out of your hands. You should assume your partner will learn about it. I still think you should make that report but understand weighing whether or not to invite the cops into your life.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 11:49 AM on January 26, 2018 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Should have mentioned I'm in Seattle WA US.

And GOD do I know I have to get the kids away from this. It fucking breaks my heart everyday. Thank GOD they were asleep for this. Still.
posted by clseace at 11:52 AM on January 26, 2018 [2 favorites]

I would photograph your bruise at minimum, even if you ignore every other piece of advice here. Have that record. And show someone you trust, like a best friend. Even if it embarrasses you. One thing we have learned from #metoo is that stories of past abuse are believed more if they're reported to a third party right after they happened. If you don't file a police report, at minimum please take the photos of your bruise, and tell someone you can trust (lawyer, friend, family member, therapist).
posted by clone boulevard at 11:58 AM on January 26, 2018 [2 favorites]

I know you said they were small kids, and they were asleep, but trust me -they are observing all of this, and they are basing their knowledge of family and marriage on this. Please, PLEASE get their filed, please get him out. This is not OK, it doesn't matter if you "aren't afraid", this has escalated to abuse. Physical abuse.
posted by kellyblah at 11:58 AM on January 26, 2018 [11 favorites]

Response by poster: I am at this exact moment calling a lawyer.
posted by clseace at 11:58 AM on January 26, 2018 [45 favorites]

You know, your posting sounds really flip and I hope you are aware that even if you feel your are safe, your kids are definietly not safe. I teach sociology and I was literally lecturing about this yesterday - the unbelievable damage done to children from parents arguing around them. I don't mean having disagreements, that can be healthy, but what are are describing is creating an environment for your kids that is setting them up to have really difficult lives (look up ACE scores). Kids don't thrive in chaos, and what you are describing, to me, is beyond chaos. Infants who are asleep show phisiological changes when their parents are in another room arguing. Seriously. You need to cut that shit out. Now.

You can't call and report your partner to "get things on the record." In many places once you report domestic violence the pressing charges portion is taken out of your hands. It sounds like you want to call the police for payback. You guys clearly need to get the hell away from each other and get your kids somewhere safe.

My daughter was adopted though foster care and she was born addicted to cocaine and herion. She has issues with anger and feeling unsafe and her neurologist told me (and research shows) that these drugs don't tend to have long term effects on kids (except alcohol). She said that the issues probably come from the state of stress her mother was in during gestatation and the choas my daughter was in before she came to us (at three months!).

I don't mean to downplay your safety, but you're asking if someone taking your laptop from you, trying to wrestle it back from you to the point that you're bruised and telling you you better watch out is a problem. That tells me your world view is not where it needs to be - none of that is normal. And it seems clear from your email that you're attending the dysfunction party as well.

I am sorry to sound so harsh, but man, this is so horrible to hear. That you guys are in screaming rages at each other all the time and you feel your kids are safe. None of your are safe. Please get help.
posted by orsonet at 12:00 PM on January 26, 2018 [43 favorites]

This comment:

One of the worst things about being in a relationship like this is that it escalates over time and you lose sense of what normal really is. The scenario you have described here is absolutely, completely horrifying and unacceptable. The only reason you aren't terrified is because you've been in it so long you've lost perspective. Stop worrying about who's to blame originally. Your partner was wrong to steal your laptop, wrong to scream at you and push you and bruise you. Maybe you've done some wrong things too, but it doesn't matter. Everybody can be wrong, or only one person can be wrong, and either way it's reason enough to get yourself to a safe place.

I don't want to tell you whether to file the police report or not, but please get yourself and your kids out of this. Imagine being a small child and seeing your parents behave this way toward each other. They'll remember it for the rest of their lives. Do you want them to remember you as somebody in a relationship like this?

I wish I could favorite this a few hundred times.

I was the child of parents who had a physically and mentally abusive relationship. A person who will physically attack you in a rage is unlikely to restrain themselves when it comes to their children. A person who plays mind games with their spouse is likely to do so with their own kids. It can get worse as they get older.

It is your responsibility to protect your kids. That's your job as their parent. Do so, please. Being raised in an environment where a child lives in constant fear of one of their parents can cause them lasting harm.
posted by zarq at 12:00 PM on January 26, 2018 [11 favorites]

In my opinion it's worth having this on record because the chances that this will escalate are high and it may also get you out of the denial of the "hurt". This sounds dangerous. He's taking computers, keys, phone, so he's taking your range of control away, your freedom. This is not even impulsive spur of the moment, but calculated organized action. This is equally scary as the physical confrontation. It's physically controlling and he will lose more control in the future because you are leaving him, so more reason for him to react like this out of feeling powerless.

Your anger can be a reaction to fear (how can it not be, in a situation like this).
It sounds like you're in the midst of processing that your relationship is falling apart and you see him (and possibly you) doing things that you never thought he would do, crossing lines you never thought he would. I am sorry you are going through this! But it is the reality of things now. You have to deal with that reality and to do that in the wisest possible way you have to help yourself see reality, even if it is bad.
So for reality's sake: don't confuse your actions with his, don't tell yourself you're not scared if indeed you are and that makes you sad. This is sad.

The wrist is indeed hurt, take a photo, even if it is just so you have the option to use it to remind yourself of the reality of it. Not the past reality where he never held you against your will, but in the reality now, with your eyes open, where these things are facts. You need your eyes open and you need the information for that. The photo will help you, the bruise will fade. Please find friends, help, a lawyer, the police, talk, talk, talk, don't isolate yourself with this.
posted by Litehouse at 12:02 PM on January 26, 2018 [3 favorites]

I do not feel my safety is in danger, please believe me.

We can believe you do not feel you're in danger, and still disagree with you.

I wouldn't necessarily be posting as I think others have done a good job of making it clear that you need to a) file that report and b) get the hell away from your partner, at least for the forseeable.

But you have kids, and that breaks my heart. From one more voice here, please leave, asap.
posted by greenish at 12:03 PM on January 26, 2018 [5 favorites]

Also, drop the shame, you need more brains than just yours to think and deal with this situation, and call all these today:
- friends
- family or neighbors or someone else practical
- police
- see if you can go sleep elsewhere with the kids (I know this is such a big step, you'd want to plan it better I know, but with your partner and his behavior you can't right now. And by doing this you can stop any further escalating per today and that would be so good and the safest for all of you, wouldn't it?).
I wish you the best, hope your lawyer can be a good first!
posted by Litehouse at 12:13 PM on January 26, 2018 [7 favorites]

I would access any domestic violence resources in your community, including going to stay in a shelter tonight with the kids. In addition to the police, please see your medical team to have the injury documented and your overall health evaluated (you are under so much stress I wouldn't be surprised if they recommended medication or other therapies to you). With this documentation you can then get a restraining order or peace bond. You need your kid's father out of the house.

I'm sorry, I was in a very similar situation last summer and I had to walk the tightrope of encouraging my abuser to leave without triggering his rage and it was extremely difficult and stressful. In my case, his big worry was that leaving would traumatize the children. I kept pointing out what he was doing, the rages, name-calling, depleting family resources etc was far more damaging. Now he is gone our lives are calm - and we are better able to co-parent (basically because he has no responsibility and sees the kids on his terms for short bursts of time at my house). Living without fear your partner is going to snap and kill you (or your kids) gives you the ability to build a stable life and devote your energy to more than just bare survival. Get started now while it is serious but not yet a crisis (you in hospital, kids taken away, escalated abuse without physical proof etc). You can do this.
posted by saucysault at 12:35 PM on January 26, 2018 [3 favorites]

If you have the cash or access to cash, it is worth spending a few nights in a hotel with the kids after you talk to your lawyer and file. It gives you space to figure out your next steps, a private place to talk to your lawyer without your partner listening, and gives your kids a much needed break (all of this advice is from my own personal experience). I had friends who helped me pay for a hotel room while I gathered cash and somehow managed to rent a house, turn on utilities, and buy beds in 3 days. It doesn't mean you are forfeiting your own home, it means you're giving yourself and your children the space to figure out what's next.
posted by annathea at 12:45 PM on January 26, 2018

This was batshit abusive BEFORE I got to the part about the literal wrestling match for the computer.

No, this is not a reasonable reaction by a very angry person.

You don't feel "in danger" of...what, him punching you in the face or shooting you dead? You haven't been "hurt" badly enough to need a trip to the ER?

You're not safe, though. Grappling with you and causing bruising is still an injury. Hiding your keys, stealing your possessions, endangering your job security, and warnings like "you'd better sleep close to that computer" are all threats. Threats to your safety and security and your autonomy to make decisions about leaving him.
posted by desuetude at 12:46 PM on January 26, 2018 [13 favorites]

I’m glad you’re calling a lawyer. Do you have any place to stay with the kids if you pack up your essentials and leave tonight or as soon as it’s safe to do so?

None of this is normal. It is abusive, traumatizing, and it will escalate. Get your children and yourself out of there, file the report, and then let your lawyer handle it.
posted by lydhre at 12:53 PM on January 26, 2018 [4 favorites]

Is this a reasonable reaction of an extremely angry person?

No.

Is it ever acceptable to do this?

No. And the hiding of the stuff is seriously awful. I would lose my mind if my partner were taking the things I need to communicate and get my life done.

I remember your last question. I kind of question the "great parent" thing now but I do have an action plan for you. I assume you want to report to the police to a) protect yourself and your kids in some way and b) maybe as some kind of measuring stick? So my answer to that is: report if you want to, it may help, but really you need to report to yourself that this is your bottom, bottom line now because you are spending your life energy figuring out whether or not to make a police report.

I see you called the lawyer. So my suggested next steps are:

A) check any advice from the Internet like mine with a domestic violence hotline. That said -

1. Break your lease, like call your landlord and break it as of March 1.
2. Find an apartment that is the cheapest you can find that meets your minimum standards for you and your kids and rent it for February 1 if at all possible. This is just for your transitional phase and you don't have to love it, it just has to be safe for one year and close enough to whatever you need to be close to. Get your friends and family on this quest for you too.
3. Book a moving company.
4. Move out Feb 1 or whatever the soonest possible date is. Send your partner a letter at that time that the lease in the house ends March 1. Have friends with you on that day.

Some of this will be a bit expensive but you know, a broken wrist is VERY expensive.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:04 PM on January 26, 2018 [2 favorites]

OK, so this guy likes taking things of yours, right? Doesn't it seem fairly likely that he might take the kids and run? I mean, it seems like a logical next step, right?

We've already covered the "he's an abuser, you need to run, etc" thing, but this seems like something you might want to worry about.
posted by Slinga at 1:11 PM on January 26, 2018 [7 favorites]

Make the report. I have women friends who didn't report abusive and scary behavior because it was so normalized and now that they're fighting for custody and in divorce proceedings, they're finding that none of the abuse will be considered in their cases because there was no police report and no pattern of reporting.

Your assumption that the kids didn't hear or know about this is flawed. Kids will often pretend to be asleep through this kind of strife because it's terrifying and they don't have tools to understand what's happening and mimic the behavior of the adults around them who are often pretending everything is fine.
posted by quince at 1:12 PM on January 26, 2018 [19 favorites]

New Beginnings, DAWN and Lifewire all operate 24 hour hotlines that are stuffed by people who can discuss your options (both with respect to the police and more) and resources in and round Seattle.

Note that Seattle has a mandatory arrest law. If you call the police, and they respond and determine that there has been a dv-related crime (assault, for example), someone, hopefully the primary aggressor, will be arrested if that person can be found. But the situation has to involve what they determine to be criminal. I say this not to suggest you do or don't call, just because many people call the police without understanding this.
posted by Gorgik at 1:16 PM on January 26, 2018 [4 favorites]

A bruise is usually enough for an assault charge, but the other behavior you describe is more than enough for you to call the police, whether or not formal charges eventually get filed is another matter.
posted by Gorgik at 1:19 PM on January 26, 2018 [1 favorite]

(hugs) Consider this, please. I know you feel partly responsible for the situation, but please, consider this.

Give a local domestic violence line a call, ask them if you can stop by for a chat, or meet up somewhere for coffee. Tell them you just want to talk through the situation and get a third opinion. That doesn't mean you have to move forward, it just gives you someone in person to listen. And keep an open mind, and listen to what they have to say. I really think it would be beneficial to you.
posted by stormyteal at 2:15 PM on January 26, 2018 [4 favorites]

This is not legal advice, I am not a lawyer, and the following links are totally just internet information but I hope they help set some perspective.

This is potentially both assault AND battery. The way you describe it, your partner has been assaulting you this whole time. The recent pushing and shoving mean your relationship has now escalated to battery, even without the bruise.

This is domestic violence. Insidious escalation is exactly how domestic violence happens. There are more DV resources at the MeFi There Is Help wiki here. Please get support so you and your children can be free from this terrible abuse. All of you deserve so much better.
posted by juliplease at 2:55 PM on January 26, 2018 [1 favorite]

GTFO. Now or as soon as it's remotely close to safe. Ditch everything if you have to. Your and your children's well-being are at stake.

This person's behavior is beyond fucked up.

Hugs.
posted by aspersioncast at 3:24 PM on January 26, 2018 [3 favorites]

Yes, he's abusive.

Your previous question is about the logistics of separating from this person and keeping custody of the kids, so yes, you definitely need detailed documentation of all the abusive things he does.

Write down the date, what he did, where the kids were at the time, and take photos, and then email it all, either to a close friend or to yourself at a new account with a complex password that he can't guess.

- calling you names
- pushing and shoving you
- throwing or breaking items
- denting walls or breaking windows
- taking your keys / phone / laptop etc
- damaging your possessions
- unsafe behaviours like driving aggressively to scare you or indicating that he would hurt the kids
- threats
- hurting you, the kids or animals
- bruising skin or causing swelling

This guy is abusive. Taking your keys/laptop is absolutely bananas. He's doing that so you can't leave, and so you can't tell others what he did, until later, when he decides you've adequately cooled down and won't bother. That is NOT OK. And he's been mooching off of you for years. You need to sever ties with him. You and your kids are in danger. Wishing you good luck.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:25 PM on January 26, 2018 [6 favorites]

Response by poster: You all are wonderful, thank you.

He is staying elsewhere tonight (as he did last night), kids and I having pizza and TV.
posted by clseace at 5:46 PM on January 26, 2018 [14 favorites]

Thank you so much for the update. I hope this next part ends as quickly as it can.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 6:00 PM on January 26, 2018 [1 favorite]

Please change the locks to the house or you need to leave. This sounds unsafe. And yes, file police report AND get a restraining order.
posted by Toddles at 6:38 PM on January 26, 2018 [5 favorites]

You may not feel in danger, and you may tell yourself you’re not in danger where you are. But this isn’t just about you. IMHO you are endangering the kids every single second you stay there. Sorry to say that, but it appears from what you’ve written that you need a very different perspective on what’s going on. Pack up and go somewhere safe this minute, then contact lawyers and police.
posted by tillsbury at 6:45 PM on January 26, 2018 [4 favorites]

It doesn't matter whose fault the relationship problems are. Even if it's just that you two bring out the worst in each other and both behave terribly, you can still say "objectively, this is not working and needs to end ASAP for everyone's well-being."

And if the money is available, I'd talk to a therapist about how to help your kids or how to talk to them about this or whatever.

He is staying elsewhere tonight (as he did last night)

Imagine if he still had your work computer!
posted by salvia at 6:55 PM on January 26, 2018

I also want to post a reminder that abusive behavior increases when someone tries to leave.
posted by salvia at 6:57 PM on January 26, 2018 [5 favorites]

You put the word “stealing” in quotation marks, but it is 100% theft, especially if that’s your employer’s. If they’re locking the door from the outside after they take your keys, that’s false imprisonment. They assaulted you over the laptop. You’ve been in the middle of a bad situation for a long time, and it sounds like you’re having a hard time realizing how bad it’s gotten. These are crimes committed against you, crimes with names and potential legal repercussions. This is not just your partner driving you crazy, this is malicious and criminal behavior. I’m glad you’ve called a lawyer, and I’d like to add to the list of voices urging you to call a DV hotline or your local organization. This is not normal, and it is not ok.
posted by a hat out of hell at 6:05 AM on January 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

"Is this a reasonable reaction of an extremely angry person? Is it ever acceptable to do this?"

No. I'm an extremely angry person who frequently loses her temper and even I think this behavior is beyond the pale.

Yelling/sulking is normal angry behavior. Stealing/hiding someone else's stuff and physical violence is straight-up abuse.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:43 PM on January 27, 2018