how to deal with negative emotions while working through couple-issues
October 18, 2017 3:18 PM Subscribe
Partner & I have finally started to face up to issues that have been building for 10+ years, and it's all pretty raw. We're both seeing therapists individually, and a relationship counsellor together. But in between sessions, I need to be able to relate to my partner like a relatively normal human being, and right now I don't know how to do that.
The question isn't about the specific issues that we have, but I probably need to give some context.
So there's a whole bunch of childhood stuff that's super-raw for my partner because they're only just now acknowledging it after denying/minimizing/working around it for decades - goes back to a narcissistic & emotionally abusive father, and the shaming & humiliation that partner was subjected to throughout adolescence. Partner has developed an alcohol addition as coping mechanism, which I in turn have tried to work around (read: which I have ignored/enabled) for years, but it all fell apart at the weekend in an incident where partner did and said some stuff, when drunk, that directly impacted the wellbeing of one of our kids. I lost my shit, having realised that a line had been crossed (which had probably been crossed long back, in reality). Now at least the addiction is out in the open as something that needs to stop, but the fact I brought it up & the manner in which I did so has triggered all those shame-responses in partner who has now shut down on me. So in the short term we've gone backwards - from just about being able to acknowledge & start to deal with the issues between us (couple counselling is a very new intervention - just 2-3 sessions so far - after over a year of my urging) to barely being able to look at each other. There's a lot of resentment & anger on both sides, which also triggers a whole historic thing around partner's father's anger & the destructive consequences that it had for them growing up.
Needless to say I have a whole set of my own family-of-origin issues, incl. my own narcissist angry father, which I'd thought (and tbh had pretty much confirmed in my own therapy) that I was happy enough to leave in the past, having given it a lot of time & attention when I was in my twenties - when I got clear enough for long enough to figure some of it out. But then my mother died earlier this year, right in the middle of (up until then) the most stressful & intense situation between partner & I, and since then I've failed to even start to process my grief about that & the changes it will make to what was already a fairly delicate balance that I had restored to the way I could relate with my father & siblings. I can't even think about that while I don't have a safe place to do it, because the situation in our relationship is so much more pressing & stressful. I know it's not healthy but I feel like have to leave that until later.
I'm not trying to get back to a golden age, because in reality we have to look back to before kids before we could find one of those. In the more recent past we'd been getting on ok on a practical level - like friends or housemates would - with little to no physical affection & sex only super-rarely & wholly on partner's terms & timing. I look back to the time like a year ago when I thought what we had was an emotionally & physically sterile relationship, and right now I would even take that back because what we have now is worse.
So my question is about short-term practical coping mechanisms that mean we can communicate from day to day. How can I park my current strong feelings of disappointment & frustration sufficiently to allow me to deal kindly & gently with partner & give them space to work with their stuff, without suppressing or denying negative emotions in the way that's arguably got us into this situation in the first place?
I guess the longer term answer here is going to be forgiveness but it just feels way too early in the process for that. I don't know yet whether the relationship will survive in the longer term, but for practical purposes we need a short term way to exist together in the same house, and present some kind of version of normality for our teenage children.
The other answer is time, I guess. But I need some practical stuff I can do in the present to feel more at ease and to give the relationship whatever shot it has at survival.
Would be grateful for any help if you've been through something similar & come out the other side. Thanks.
The question isn't about the specific issues that we have, but I probably need to give some context.
So there's a whole bunch of childhood stuff that's super-raw for my partner because they're only just now acknowledging it after denying/minimizing/working around it for decades - goes back to a narcissistic & emotionally abusive father, and the shaming & humiliation that partner was subjected to throughout adolescence. Partner has developed an alcohol addition as coping mechanism, which I in turn have tried to work around (read: which I have ignored/enabled) for years, but it all fell apart at the weekend in an incident where partner did and said some stuff, when drunk, that directly impacted the wellbeing of one of our kids. I lost my shit, having realised that a line had been crossed (which had probably been crossed long back, in reality). Now at least the addiction is out in the open as something that needs to stop, but the fact I brought it up & the manner in which I did so has triggered all those shame-responses in partner who has now shut down on me. So in the short term we've gone backwards - from just about being able to acknowledge & start to deal with the issues between us (couple counselling is a very new intervention - just 2-3 sessions so far - after over a year of my urging) to barely being able to look at each other. There's a lot of resentment & anger on both sides, which also triggers a whole historic thing around partner's father's anger & the destructive consequences that it had for them growing up.
Needless to say I have a whole set of my own family-of-origin issues, incl. my own narcissist angry father, which I'd thought (and tbh had pretty much confirmed in my own therapy) that I was happy enough to leave in the past, having given it a lot of time & attention when I was in my twenties - when I got clear enough for long enough to figure some of it out. But then my mother died earlier this year, right in the middle of (up until then) the most stressful & intense situation between partner & I, and since then I've failed to even start to process my grief about that & the changes it will make to what was already a fairly delicate balance that I had restored to the way I could relate with my father & siblings. I can't even think about that while I don't have a safe place to do it, because the situation in our relationship is so much more pressing & stressful. I know it's not healthy but I feel like have to leave that until later.
I'm not trying to get back to a golden age, because in reality we have to look back to before kids before we could find one of those. In the more recent past we'd been getting on ok on a practical level - like friends or housemates would - with little to no physical affection & sex only super-rarely & wholly on partner's terms & timing. I look back to the time like a year ago when I thought what we had was an emotionally & physically sterile relationship, and right now I would even take that back because what we have now is worse.
So my question is about short-term practical coping mechanisms that mean we can communicate from day to day. How can I park my current strong feelings of disappointment & frustration sufficiently to allow me to deal kindly & gently with partner & give them space to work with their stuff, without suppressing or denying negative emotions in the way that's arguably got us into this situation in the first place?
I guess the longer term answer here is going to be forgiveness but it just feels way too early in the process for that. I don't know yet whether the relationship will survive in the longer term, but for practical purposes we need a short term way to exist together in the same house, and present some kind of version of normality for our teenage children.
The other answer is time, I guess. But I need some practical stuff I can do in the present to feel more at ease and to give the relationship whatever shot it has at survival.
Would be grateful for any help if you've been through something similar & come out the other side. Thanks.
My partner and I are in a rough stage right now, but we've weathered them before (going on 25 years together). Two things that helped us a lot during the worst one:
1. We set specific times to talk about the problem we were dealing with, and to avoid escalating, getting defensive, and so on, at each time, only one of us would talk. Then we'd break for a few days, and the other one would have their turn. We found that this allowed us to do a good job of listening, and to delay responding until initial feelings of defensiveness or hurt or anger at what the other person said had settled somewhat.
2. We set aside time to do things together that we enjoyed, so that we wouldn't forget we were in a relationship because we liked each other, and to remind us what we were working so hard to save. This was before we had kids, so we had more time, energy, and disposable income; it would be hard for us to do the same thing now, even though we totally should.
Good luck.
posted by Orlop at 3:44 PM on October 18, 2017 [17 favorites]
1. We set specific times to talk about the problem we were dealing with, and to avoid escalating, getting defensive, and so on, at each time, only one of us would talk. Then we'd break for a few days, and the other one would have their turn. We found that this allowed us to do a good job of listening, and to delay responding until initial feelings of defensiveness or hurt or anger at what the other person said had settled somewhat.
2. We set aside time to do things together that we enjoyed, so that we wouldn't forget we were in a relationship because we liked each other, and to remind us what we were working so hard to save. This was before we had kids, so we had more time, energy, and disposable income; it would be hard for us to do the same thing now, even though we totally should.
Good luck.
posted by Orlop at 3:44 PM on October 18, 2017 [17 favorites]
People sometimes get together because of abuse in their past. They recognize the victim in each other, but also sustain the co-wounded children they are. Big wounds require big help, and sometimes healing disturbs the initial premise of the relationship.
Alcoholism as a method for coping with abuse in the past, dooms the user because of the negative feedback looping, that crosses with a pleasant addiction to ethanol. Once the user is forced into therapy by the fact of even larger losses if they don't, there is no anesthesia for the pain, they have not processed. They have to grieve, and go on. The enabler who is also an abuse victim has to grieve, and then go on, all while on the carousel of life. The problem is that blame builds up as a painful charge in the couple, and blame settles incorrectly on the partners. This is where good therapy comes in, or a co-commitment to recognize where the pain came from, and put up pictures of the abusers, with no explanation to the kids. Devise a signal between you to refer to the abusers when stuff comes up that should be attributed to them, rather than either of you.
Sorry you are going through this, but you must fix it. It won't get fixed outside your relationship, and will melt into the kids lives, in the next relationships. Fix it, recognize what it is and make a pact.
posted by Oyéah at 4:03 PM on October 18, 2017 [4 favorites]
Alcoholism as a method for coping with abuse in the past, dooms the user because of the negative feedback looping, that crosses with a pleasant addiction to ethanol. Once the user is forced into therapy by the fact of even larger losses if they don't, there is no anesthesia for the pain, they have not processed. They have to grieve, and go on. The enabler who is also an abuse victim has to grieve, and then go on, all while on the carousel of life. The problem is that blame builds up as a painful charge in the couple, and blame settles incorrectly on the partners. This is where good therapy comes in, or a co-commitment to recognize where the pain came from, and put up pictures of the abusers, with no explanation to the kids. Devise a signal between you to refer to the abusers when stuff comes up that should be attributed to them, rather than either of you.
Sorry you are going through this, but you must fix it. It won't get fixed outside your relationship, and will melt into the kids lives, in the next relationships. Fix it, recognize what it is and make a pact.
posted by Oyéah at 4:03 PM on October 18, 2017 [4 favorites]
I don't think I have much advice for you about how to deal with your partner, but I do want to suggest, gently, that presenting as "normal" to your teenage children is probably not helpful. They know things are wrong. Pretending that they aren't wont feel good to them; it is its own kind of abandonment.
Are the kids part of family counseling? Are they in therapy? What does your therapist say about the kids?
Aside from that, this sounds really hard, and I'm sorry. I don't want to be that person who recommends meditation for everything, but...meditation. And other forms of self-care -- exercise, etc.
Good luck.
posted by schadenfrau at 4:25 PM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
Are the kids part of family counseling? Are they in therapy? What does your therapist say about the kids?
Aside from that, this sounds really hard, and I'm sorry. I don't want to be that person who recommends meditation for everything, but...meditation. And other forms of self-care -- exercise, etc.
Good luck.
posted by schadenfrau at 4:25 PM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
Keep in mind that you didn't get to this place in a couple of weeks and you're not going to dig out in a couple of weeks either and that humans have to sometimes just live for a minute. It's compartmentalization, but it's constructive compartmentalization if you do it mindfully.
And while you don't want to fool your kids into thinking everything is 100% okay, kids do actually need to be allowed a sense of normalcy and to be kids and to experience aspects of a functioning family unit. It is up to their parents to make that possible. How you do that is going to depend on how much, if at all, the two of you are able to cooperate and collaborate right now.
It is worth talking to your relationship counselor about this too. People do not thrive when they live in a state of hypervigilance at all times, so being able to define "off the clock" times together for everyone's well-being is a necessary part of this process.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:49 PM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
And while you don't want to fool your kids into thinking everything is 100% okay, kids do actually need to be allowed a sense of normalcy and to be kids and to experience aspects of a functioning family unit. It is up to their parents to make that possible. How you do that is going to depend on how much, if at all, the two of you are able to cooperate and collaborate right now.
It is worth talking to your relationship counselor about this too. People do not thrive when they live in a state of hypervigilance at all times, so being able to define "off the clock" times together for everyone's well-being is a necessary part of this process.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:49 PM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
Is anyone being kind and forgiving and holding things together for you? Look for support, practical and emotional, in friends and things like favorite music, long walks, pets, books etc that give you non-judgemental joy right now so you can refill your own tank for your kids. Don't worry about your partner's reactions so much and give them space to process and just focus on what you need to get through this because you also need time and energy. Freeing up your partner from worrying about how you and the kids are coping while they are in a crisis, is a good thing in a healthy dynamic.
Your post is largely about how to meet your partner's needs, and push down your own feelings, when they've harmed your child and you realise this was a pattern. You are processing a lot of big feelings now and some of them probably include anger and guilt and grief. You may also be scared that saying anything will cause another worse incident.
Try taking care of yourself and the kids, and being happy. That should be welcomed. If that's not, then just keep being stubbornly bravely happy and look for the things that make you feel safe and happy.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:14 PM on October 18, 2017 [9 favorites]
Your post is largely about how to meet your partner's needs, and push down your own feelings, when they've harmed your child and you realise this was a pattern. You are processing a lot of big feelings now and some of them probably include anger and guilt and grief. You may also be scared that saying anything will cause another worse incident.
Try taking care of yourself and the kids, and being happy. That should be welcomed. If that's not, then just keep being stubbornly bravely happy and look for the things that make you feel safe and happy.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:14 PM on October 18, 2017 [9 favorites]
I agree that your kids probably know that things are tough and acting "normal" won't help. My parents would have huge fights that resolved nothing and then go back to pretending nothing happened and it was pretty traumatic for me. They are old enough to see a more honest version of you. I would recommend that you keep arguments behind closed doors but don't try to hide what's happening.
posted by mai at 5:27 PM on October 18, 2017
posted by mai at 5:27 PM on October 18, 2017
What you've written gives me the impression that you are very well suited and capable of getting through this. I don't know if that's any consolation, but I hope it's encouraging. You're probably a lot farther along than other people. You're in a tough place, but I hope you can believe that it's not always going to feel this way. Time heals all wounds but waiting for time to pass, is a sonovabitch.
As someone who's been through some extended tough times with a spouse, I'll say: there's a lot of very good advice in the replies made already. I strongly second what Orlop says ; and
"People do not thrive when they live in a state of hypervigilance at all times"
Very true. And I'll extend it by saying, "People in conflict can't make progress when they live in a state of hypervigilance at all times."
One of the big turning points for my wife and I, after many years and many thousand of dollars in therapy, was when we started to focus our approaches on what's *effective*. What _works_, instead of worrying repeatedly over approaches that we thought *should* work, for one reason or another. An example: there are certain things (due to her family-of-origin challenges) that my wife just cannot hear when they come out of *my* mouth, no matter how nicely I say them, and no matter how obviously 'right' or 'helpful' I thought it'd be for me to say them and her to hear them. I mean, these are things her friends could say and she's actually hear them and value them but if it comes from my, fuggedaboutit. It took me a long time to learn to just stop saying those things. But, wow, it's been amazing to see the good that's come from making that change - to stop saying things that just never had a chance of working.
Another thing that helped a lot, is to practice being kind. I know that sounds trite and cliche, but dammit if it hasn't helped me/us. Sure, it's hard ; especially hard when you feel like you're being treated poorly. Being kind does not have to mean being compliant, or taking abuse, or putting up with destructive behavior. I think that if and when a person is struggling like your spouse is, it's possible that being shown small acts of kindness can go a long way to helping them feel things (safety? empathy? patience? love?) that may make it easier for them to work through their struggle, which should eventually make it easier for the two of you to work through your conflicts. Anyway, you asked specifically "How can I park my current strong feelings of disappointment & frustration sufficiently to allow me to deal kindly & gently" ... I don't know if these approaches will work for you, but some of the things that worked for me, were visualizations of us being on the Other Side of the conflict : seeing the two of us together, in our old age, holding hands ; having moved past the yet-to-come slowing down of our bodies and the changing of life that comes with that, having learned humility and forgiveness for each other. And, frankly, sometimes I had to tell myself, "This is the person who one day may need to help bathe me when I can't do that for myself."
posted by armoir from antproof case at 6:27 PM on October 18, 2017 [10 favorites]
As someone who's been through some extended tough times with a spouse, I'll say: there's a lot of very good advice in the replies made already. I strongly second what Orlop says ; and
"People do not thrive when they live in a state of hypervigilance at all times"
Very true. And I'll extend it by saying, "People in conflict can't make progress when they live in a state of hypervigilance at all times."
One of the big turning points for my wife and I, after many years and many thousand of dollars in therapy, was when we started to focus our approaches on what's *effective*. What _works_, instead of worrying repeatedly over approaches that we thought *should* work, for one reason or another. An example: there are certain things (due to her family-of-origin challenges) that my wife just cannot hear when they come out of *my* mouth, no matter how nicely I say them, and no matter how obviously 'right' or 'helpful' I thought it'd be for me to say them and her to hear them. I mean, these are things her friends could say and she's actually hear them and value them but if it comes from my, fuggedaboutit. It took me a long time to learn to just stop saying those things. But, wow, it's been amazing to see the good that's come from making that change - to stop saying things that just never had a chance of working.
Another thing that helped a lot, is to practice being kind. I know that sounds trite and cliche, but dammit if it hasn't helped me/us. Sure, it's hard ; especially hard when you feel like you're being treated poorly. Being kind does not have to mean being compliant, or taking abuse, or putting up with destructive behavior. I think that if and when a person is struggling like your spouse is, it's possible that being shown small acts of kindness can go a long way to helping them feel things (safety? empathy? patience? love?) that may make it easier for them to work through their struggle, which should eventually make it easier for the two of you to work through your conflicts. Anyway, you asked specifically "How can I park my current strong feelings of disappointment & frustration sufficiently to allow me to deal kindly & gently" ... I don't know if these approaches will work for you, but some of the things that worked for me, were visualizations of us being on the Other Side of the conflict : seeing the two of us together, in our old age, holding hands ; having moved past the yet-to-come slowing down of our bodies and the changing of life that comes with that, having learned humility and forgiveness for each other. And, frankly, sometimes I had to tell myself, "This is the person who one day may need to help bathe me when I can't do that for myself."
posted by armoir from antproof case at 6:27 PM on October 18, 2017 [10 favorites]
This is an opportunity for a teaching moment for your kids.
Do you want your kids to think that marriage is about catering to the needs of a drunk? Or stuffing all your needs into a tiny box and sublimating them? Is this the life you really want to model for them?
Take the kids with you for a break somewhere while you figure out next steps. What dad did is not OK and you need to show them that you have their back and his behaviour has consequences.
Stick with the counselling. Good luck.
posted by crazycanuck at 9:40 PM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
Do you want your kids to think that marriage is about catering to the needs of a drunk? Or stuffing all your needs into a tiny box and sublimating them? Is this the life you really want to model for them?
Take the kids with you for a break somewhere while you figure out next steps. What dad did is not OK and you need to show them that you have their back and his behaviour has consequences.
Stick with the counselling. Good luck.
posted by crazycanuck at 9:40 PM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
So my question is about short-term practical coping mechanisms that mean we can communicate from day to day. How can I park my current strong feelings of disappointment & frustration sufficiently to allow me to deal kindly & gently with partner & give them space to work with their stuff, without suppressing or denying negative emotions in the way that's arguably got us into this situation in the first place?
I have two suggestions. The first is that you need more support for yourself, and I think you need an Al-Anon program. Because whatever the root causes of the alcoholism you are now dealing with an alcoholic spouse. This will help get you to your stated goal here because you will be able to see which behaviours are addiction-related and common to addicts. Which leads to...
My second suggestion is that if you are set on this course, you will probably need to start thinking of your spouse as a kind of wounded person for whom you have temporarily (I stress temporarily) received responsibility. This relates to being kind, letting things slide, and basically relating to your spouse as a person and not as the person who is supposed to be your partner. (This latter, you richly deserve, but.)
So how to do that...I have been through some pretty deep betrayal and issues with my partner BUT he never did anything to our kids (we had just lost one at the time he kind of flipped out, plus we were both flipping out.) What helped me was two things:
1. I decided that at the end of X year, if things had not improved, I was going to file for divorce. Then the things that I had to do alone that I shouldn't have had to (packing up our house, getting it ready for sale, etc.) became me getting used to doing things on my own, in my mind, and not a to-do list full of resentment. "If we get divorced, I will be doing this anyway" became my mantra.
2. I tried as best as possible to treat my spouse "as if" so - IF he were here helping me, at the end of a long day of work, I would want to go out for a burger at that really nice burger place became "let's go to the burger place." Sometimes we just sat there. But it kept that thread of connection that in our case became a stronger marriage.
Having tried to answer your question, I do not think that our situations are all that similar though because...you do have children and you owe them top-drawer protection. So please do seek support for that specifically. That you understand why your spouse shut down is admirable but it does not actually help; I understood that my spouse was grieving our daughter but I could not commit to a life where he did not show up again. You can understand and support someone, and still allow them to experience the direct consequences of their actions. If your husband lashed out at your children and will not back down about it, that is really, really not good.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:29 AM on October 19, 2017 [3 favorites]
I have two suggestions. The first is that you need more support for yourself, and I think you need an Al-Anon program. Because whatever the root causes of the alcoholism you are now dealing with an alcoholic spouse. This will help get you to your stated goal here because you will be able to see which behaviours are addiction-related and common to addicts. Which leads to...
My second suggestion is that if you are set on this course, you will probably need to start thinking of your spouse as a kind of wounded person for whom you have temporarily (I stress temporarily) received responsibility. This relates to being kind, letting things slide, and basically relating to your spouse as a person and not as the person who is supposed to be your partner. (This latter, you richly deserve, but.)
So how to do that...I have been through some pretty deep betrayal and issues with my partner BUT he never did anything to our kids (we had just lost one at the time he kind of flipped out, plus we were both flipping out.) What helped me was two things:
1. I decided that at the end of X year, if things had not improved, I was going to file for divorce. Then the things that I had to do alone that I shouldn't have had to (packing up our house, getting it ready for sale, etc.) became me getting used to doing things on my own, in my mind, and not a to-do list full of resentment. "If we get divorced, I will be doing this anyway" became my mantra.
2. I tried as best as possible to treat my spouse "as if" so - IF he were here helping me, at the end of a long day of work, I would want to go out for a burger at that really nice burger place became "let's go to the burger place." Sometimes we just sat there. But it kept that thread of connection that in our case became a stronger marriage.
Having tried to answer your question, I do not think that our situations are all that similar though because...you do have children and you owe them top-drawer protection. So please do seek support for that specifically. That you understand why your spouse shut down is admirable but it does not actually help; I understood that my spouse was grieving our daughter but I could not commit to a life where he did not show up again. You can understand and support someone, and still allow them to experience the direct consequences of their actions. If your husband lashed out at your children and will not back down about it, that is really, really not good.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:29 AM on October 19, 2017 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Sublimity at 3:37 PM on October 18, 2017 [14 favorites]