What is the best way to react when people point out that I am shy?
October 17, 2017 11:13 PM Subscribe
I am a shy reserved person, and whenever people feel the need to point this out I feel slightly offended and awkward. What is the best way to react?
My therapist pointed out that maybe people are just making an observation, but what bugs me is that I wouldn't feel the need to point out, for example, someone's physical features, so why is it OK for them to point out an aspect of my personality, usually in a negative way?
Every time someone brings it up I feel bad and end up beating myself up for being shy.
My usual way of reacting is saying yes, I know I am; or yes, it's something I'm working on.
My therapist pointed out that maybe people are just making an observation, but what bugs me is that I wouldn't feel the need to point out, for example, someone's physical features, so why is it OK for them to point out an aspect of my personality, usually in a negative way?
Every time someone brings it up I feel bad and end up beating myself up for being shy.
My usual way of reacting is saying yes, I know I am; or yes, it's something I'm working on.
Why they're doing it, well, some people just feel the need to fill the air with the sound of their own voice, IDEK. I would say the best way to react is as if they pointed out the sky is blue, or something equally banal and obvious. "You think I'm shy? I guess so! *silence*" The great part is, you don't even have to try and change the subject or carry on the conversation if you don't want to - they have already established that they know you're shy (which is just a fact and not a value judgement) and therefore the problem is now in their hands! You have nothing to feel bad about.
If I were feeling grouchy about it and didn't care about being offputting or offending the other party, I'd put in some passive-aggressive jab along the lines of "Well, I guess you're just not very interesting/I don't have much to say to you, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"
posted by btfreek at 11:30 PM on October 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
If I were feeling grouchy about it and didn't care about being offputting or offending the other party, I'd put in some passive-aggressive jab along the lines of "Well, I guess you're just not very interesting/I don't have much to say to you, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"
posted by btfreek at 11:30 PM on October 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
Technically "shy" and "introverted" are different. But most people don't know the difference and I think if you're looking for a verbal response the standard operating procedure has become to sort of shrug and say "I'm introverted, it's not the same thing, it's just how I am."
If you want a joke in your toolbox you could also do a version of the old Onion joke: "Actually I'm not shy, I'm just stuck up."
I do agree it's rude (or at least presumptuous) of people to tell you this, but if you want to cut them the benefit of the doubt they could be interpreted as social incompetents looking for a way to get a conversation going, and not doing that well. If you do feel like overlooking their rudeness and want to continue the conversation you could (but are not required to) offer something along the lines "I'm the kind of person who opens up far more with friends than strangers" which is non-apologetic but not off putting.
posted by mark k at 11:36 PM on October 17, 2017 [5 favorites]
If you want a joke in your toolbox you could also do a version of the old Onion joke: "Actually I'm not shy, I'm just stuck up."
I do agree it's rude (or at least presumptuous) of people to tell you this, but if you want to cut them the benefit of the doubt they could be interpreted as social incompetents looking for a way to get a conversation going, and not doing that well. If you do feel like overlooking their rudeness and want to continue the conversation you could (but are not required to) offer something along the lines "I'm the kind of person who opens up far more with friends than strangers" which is non-apologetic but not off putting.
posted by mark k at 11:36 PM on October 17, 2017 [5 favorites]
My initial reaction was to suggest that you respond with a loud, haughty "I KNOW, RIGHT?!" And maybe a hair flip or a diva sashay. This might not come naturally, but it might spoil their fun. You could also get a little remote-control helicopter and fly it around with a streamer behind it that says, "No Shit, Lyle from Revenue. Tell me more!"
...OK, there'd be some consequences. But we can dream, can't we?
In seriousness: People who call attention to your shyness are the awkward ones, not you. Take my word that they are indeed the same ones who point out things like "you're really pale" or "that's SOME red hair" or "you've got a bad sunburn" to people who already know these things about ourselves. They are the No Unexpressed Thoughts brigade; pray for them, because they're constantly putting their foot in it. Others notice, even us extroverts.
For a more subtle canned response to these doofy remarks, maybe try an exaggerated pipe-down gesture and a stage whisper:
"Shhhh! I know! Don't call attention to it!" (Optional: then you hide under a desk until they go away.)
It might put them off their game without making you feel like a clod. Which you're not, of course, but it's only non-clods who stop to wonder if we are. Clods mean no harm, but they also don't take hints. Sometimes the best you can do is have a little fun with them.
posted by armeowda at 11:40 PM on October 17, 2017 [9 favorites]
...OK, there'd be some consequences. But we can dream, can't we?
In seriousness: People who call attention to your shyness are the awkward ones, not you. Take my word that they are indeed the same ones who point out things like "you're really pale" or "that's SOME red hair" or "you've got a bad sunburn" to people who already know these things about ourselves. They are the No Unexpressed Thoughts brigade; pray for them, because they're constantly putting their foot in it. Others notice, even us extroverts.
For a more subtle canned response to these doofy remarks, maybe try an exaggerated pipe-down gesture and a stage whisper:
"Shhhh! I know! Don't call attention to it!" (Optional: then you hide under a desk until they go away.)
It might put them off their game without making you feel like a clod. Which you're not, of course, but it's only non-clods who stop to wonder if we are. Clods mean no harm, but they also don't take hints. Sometimes the best you can do is have a little fun with them.
posted by armeowda at 11:40 PM on October 17, 2017 [9 favorites]
Oh, another thing I just thought of - the distinction between being shy and being reserved. To me, being shy implies that you do have something to say, but are nervous/afraid of interacting, whereas being reserved is more like, just not having much to say as part of your nature (think "still waters run deep" - on preview, yes, like shyness vs introversion). If you suspect that people are actually trying to be helpful by pointing out your "shyness" (to like.. draw you out of your shell or something, I dunno?) you might be able to placate them with something like, "Shy? Nah, just not a big talker/I just don't have much to add right now." The trick is to project confidence when saying it - fake it 'til you make it, if you must.
posted by btfreek at 11:41 PM on October 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by btfreek at 11:41 PM on October 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
Please don't say that it's something you're working on. You don't need to apologise at all. I don't think you're alone in finding this kind of comment irritating. Do the same people tell outgoing people that they are outgoing? I think not. Yes, it can be an observation, but frequently it tends to be accompanied with the idea that shy people have something wrong with them, depending on the culture of course.
One method I use to forcefully disincline repeats of similar behaviours: reply with a dramatic change of topic. If that doesn't get the message across that the subject is a non-starter, you can always tell them to quit.
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 11:41 PM on October 17, 2017 [18 favorites]
One method I use to forcefully disincline repeats of similar behaviours: reply with a dramatic change of topic. If that doesn't get the message across that the subject is a non-starter, you can always tell them to quit.
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 11:41 PM on October 17, 2017 [18 favorites]
Shyness is generally not seen as a desirable trait so I suppose people are expressing concern or pointing out a shortcoming, in the hope that you can fix it. That you feel the need to say “I’m working on it” speaks volumes.
I’m the opposite of shy, but if someone ever felt the need to say I’m assertive or vocal or too social, I’d just look at them and say nothing.
If shy is who you are, say nothing or deflect but certainly do not apologise for being you.
posted by Kwadeng at 11:54 PM on October 17, 2017 [3 favorites]
I’m the opposite of shy, but if someone ever felt the need to say I’m assertive or vocal or too social, I’d just look at them and say nothing.
If shy is who you are, say nothing or deflect but certainly do not apologise for being you.
posted by Kwadeng at 11:54 PM on October 17, 2017 [3 favorites]
People often point out that I don't say much. I usually just nod in agreement.
posted by humboldt32 at 12:00 AM on October 18, 2017 [27 favorites]
posted by humboldt32 at 12:00 AM on October 18, 2017 [27 favorites]
My father has a horrible friend who would always boom: "why are you so quiet [1st syllable of my irl name; he's the reason why I HATE being called this]?"
It wasn't until much later that I was told the Senator Muskie line "if you have nothing to say, don't improve on silence", which I have yet to be able to use on him.
posted by brujita at 12:15 AM on October 18, 2017 [3 favorites]
It wasn't until much later that I was told the Senator Muskie line "if you have nothing to say, don't improve on silence", which I have yet to be able to use on him.
posted by brujita at 12:15 AM on October 18, 2017 [3 favorites]
I had an old teacher who was intensely private, and had a gift for silence. When people would ask her personal questions, she would give them a big smile and let the silence stretch out. It helped that she wasn't a particularly warm person; I'd never be able to smile at a rude question and have the same effect because I smile at everything (I'm from the rural south--I'd wave hello at a squirrel on the roof--I'm unable to muster the vaguest appearance of sternness). But maybe it'd work for you?
When I lived in Japan, I noticed over and over how people used silence to come to agreement (over, say, things no one wanted to do but someone had to). I remember standing in a circle with five co-workers. One, my supervisor, brought up a small but unpleasant task that needed to be done. Rather than discussing it further, or appointing someone to do it, or asking for volunteers, she just detailed the steps of the task. Everyone said Mmmmmm, one slowly after the other. We stood in the circle for a full minute, no one speaking. Finally someone spoke up and said I'll do it. What's notable about this moment is that it wasn't awkward, and no one felt the need to fill the space.
So: how can you let your quietness--and the awkwardness it can evoke in people who aren't comfortable with silence--serve to your advantage? Most simply, if someone says that you're shy, you can say "Yes," or "Uh huh," the way you would if you were on the phone with a very boring yakker, or just say nothing. Let the discomfort rest on their shoulders; silence is only uncomfortable or awkward if you let it be.
posted by tapir-whorf at 12:59 AM on October 18, 2017 [27 favorites]
When I lived in Japan, I noticed over and over how people used silence to come to agreement (over, say, things no one wanted to do but someone had to). I remember standing in a circle with five co-workers. One, my supervisor, brought up a small but unpleasant task that needed to be done. Rather than discussing it further, or appointing someone to do it, or asking for volunteers, she just detailed the steps of the task. Everyone said Mmmmmm, one slowly after the other. We stood in the circle for a full minute, no one speaking. Finally someone spoke up and said I'll do it. What's notable about this moment is that it wasn't awkward, and no one felt the need to fill the space.
So: how can you let your quietness--and the awkwardness it can evoke in people who aren't comfortable with silence--serve to your advantage? Most simply, if someone says that you're shy, you can say "Yes," or "Uh huh," the way you would if you were on the phone with a very boring yakker, or just say nothing. Let the discomfort rest on their shoulders; silence is only uncomfortable or awkward if you let it be.
posted by tapir-whorf at 12:59 AM on October 18, 2017 [27 favorites]
When I was little my dad had a coworker pal named John. John had a real nerdy son about ten years older than me who had a cool telescope, so our families would do things together to help foster my fledgling nerdery. The specifics don't matter but the point is I didn't really know the guy (I was a little kid) but he was a known quantity in my life and I liked him a lot. I saw him occasionally and my dad would often talk about things they had talked about at work.
John was also fat.
One day my dad came home from work with a story about John. There had been some kind of situation in the office lunch room that day where some other coworker had seen John's lunch spread and commented, in front of everyone, "jesus, John, how much are you going to eat?!" And apparently John looked at him and calmly replied, "I'm going to keep eating until my ass is as big as your mouth," and took another bite.
Let me tell you: this blew my mind. It had never occurred to me that you don't have to be nice to people who are rude to you. You just don't.
Some people, like armeowda above mentioned, are just the kind of people who have to comment on other people's shit. This is their problem and not yours. You don't have to internalize it, consider it, value it, or even respond if you don't want. And if you do want to respond, you certainly don't have to be nice (or apologetic!) about it. It's not your job to salve the feelings of people who don't care about yours.
So were it me, and someone said to me "you're really shy!" I would probably respond with a slightly snotty, "well gosh, you're not.
(If it helps, think of it as an assertiveness exercise. The more you respond to comments like this in ways that are self defensive, the more it'll help overcome your shyness.)
posted by phunniemee at 1:10 AM on October 18, 2017 [57 favorites]
John was also fat.
One day my dad came home from work with a story about John. There had been some kind of situation in the office lunch room that day where some other coworker had seen John's lunch spread and commented, in front of everyone, "jesus, John, how much are you going to eat?!" And apparently John looked at him and calmly replied, "I'm going to keep eating until my ass is as big as your mouth," and took another bite.
Let me tell you: this blew my mind. It had never occurred to me that you don't have to be nice to people who are rude to you. You just don't.
Some people, like armeowda above mentioned, are just the kind of people who have to comment on other people's shit. This is their problem and not yours. You don't have to internalize it, consider it, value it, or even respond if you don't want. And if you do want to respond, you certainly don't have to be nice (or apologetic!) about it. It's not your job to salve the feelings of people who don't care about yours.
So were it me, and someone said to me "you're really shy!" I would probably respond with a slightly snotty, "well gosh, you're not.
(If it helps, think of it as an assertiveness exercise. The more you respond to comments like this in ways that are self defensive, the more it'll help overcome your shyness.)
posted by phunniemee at 1:10 AM on October 18, 2017 [57 favorites]
Adding: the point is that people who like to narrativize How You Are are often not people who it's particularly worthwhile to engage. They might be well-meaning, but it doesn't change the fact that they don't really know how to engage with you. So when you say Uh huh and they uncomfortably try to explain themselves to you a second, more wordy time, you just say Uh huh again. And yet again. Even if it kinda doesn't really seem like it works there. If you'd like to be especially cold about it, you can say excuse me. (Or as my godfather says to people he's irritated by, "I have to go over there now," and walks across the room.)
You could also say "I wish that you didn't feel the need to narrativize other's behavior." Then if they try to explain themselves, "Don't explain yourself. I'm going to go get a drink of water," or some other neutral conversation-ender. This isn't going to get you a reputation as a kind or forthcoming person, which is fine. But if these people are folks you like and want to develop relationships with, and not Lyle from Revenue, the above followed by "Tell me how you're doing these days," said with genuine interest, is a better approach.
posted by tapir-whorf at 1:14 AM on October 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
You could also say "I wish that you didn't feel the need to narrativize other's behavior." Then if they try to explain themselves, "Don't explain yourself. I'm going to go get a drink of water," or some other neutral conversation-ender. This isn't going to get you a reputation as a kind or forthcoming person, which is fine. But if these people are folks you like and want to develop relationships with, and not Lyle from Revenue, the above followed by "Tell me how you're doing these days," said with genuine interest, is a better approach.
posted by tapir-whorf at 1:14 AM on October 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
I am shy but not introverted. When people have pointed out my shyness the response I've been happiest and most comfortable with is to simply agree with them. Yes, I'm shy. OK. To be comfortable with this response you must also be comfortable with the truth of what you are agreeing to. That bit is harder and you may need to work on it.
posted by deadwax at 1:16 AM on October 18, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by deadwax at 1:16 AM on October 18, 2017 [4 favorites]
As a shy and introverted person myself, my own answer is a blunt “I know”, followed by total silence. They think it’s rude? Tough.
(There’s a story about President Calvin Coolidge, so famous for his own silences that his nickname was Silent Cal. Anyway, Coolidge was at a dinner party once — definitely NOT his idea of a good time! — seated next to a woman who told him she’d made a bet with someone else that she could force Coolidge to respond with a three-word-sentence, instead of his normal rare single words. Coolidge sat silently staring at her for a bit, then said “You lose”, and turned his back on her for the rest of the evening. My hero!)
posted by easily confused at 1:43 AM on October 18, 2017 [10 favorites]
(There’s a story about President Calvin Coolidge, so famous for his own silences that his nickname was Silent Cal. Anyway, Coolidge was at a dinner party once — definitely NOT his idea of a good time! — seated next to a woman who told him she’d made a bet with someone else that she could force Coolidge to respond with a three-word-sentence, instead of his normal rare single words. Coolidge sat silently staring at her for a bit, then said “You lose”, and turned his back on her for the rest of the evening. My hero!)
posted by easily confused at 1:43 AM on October 18, 2017 [10 favorites]
You don't have to apologise or say you're working on it - Being shy is perfectly acceptable! (You can, of course, also work on it if you want to)
When people give me shit about virtually never going out on weeknights, I say "Hell yeah! I hate it, I need to recharge my batteries!". Is it unusual? I don't know, and I don't really care. It's what works for me. So when people say, "you're very shy aren't you?", you can just "Yeah I am pretty shy, it takes me a while to feel comfortable" or whatever.
Also: I am a nervous driver. I get nervous driving on new roads, or busy but fast moving traffic, and I go out of my way to avoid it where possible. Where I think I have something in common with you, is that this is a source of shame for me. I'm embarrassed about it.
I started telling people about it now (if it's relevant), "Oh I really hate driving on new roads. I get really nervous."
This is something much more uncommon than being shy, I'd say. People usually respond with "Really?" and I say "yes", and then we move on with our lives. My shame has greatly reduced since I've accepted that this is part of who I currently am, and it's not really a reflection of my value as a person. Less a flaw, more a detail.
Your shyness is a detail. You don't need to defend it, or promote it, if you don't want to. I think this is less about your response (Which is fine), than your feelings about being shy, your sense of shame or embarrassment about that. If you can address those feelings, the response/reaction will matter to you less.
Also pro-tip: Other people are thinking about you approx an order of magnitude less than you think they are. If you think they're thinking about you for ten seconds, it's more like 1 second. And they never dwell on those thoughts. It's comforting to know that!
posted by smoke at 1:56 AM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
When people give me shit about virtually never going out on weeknights, I say "Hell yeah! I hate it, I need to recharge my batteries!". Is it unusual? I don't know, and I don't really care. It's what works for me. So when people say, "you're very shy aren't you?", you can just "Yeah I am pretty shy, it takes me a while to feel comfortable" or whatever.
Also: I am a nervous driver. I get nervous driving on new roads, or busy but fast moving traffic, and I go out of my way to avoid it where possible. Where I think I have something in common with you, is that this is a source of shame for me. I'm embarrassed about it.
I started telling people about it now (if it's relevant), "Oh I really hate driving on new roads. I get really nervous."
This is something much more uncommon than being shy, I'd say. People usually respond with "Really?" and I say "yes", and then we move on with our lives. My shame has greatly reduced since I've accepted that this is part of who I currently am, and it's not really a reflection of my value as a person. Less a flaw, more a detail.
Your shyness is a detail. You don't need to defend it, or promote it, if you don't want to. I think this is less about your response (Which is fine), than your feelings about being shy, your sense of shame or embarrassment about that. If you can address those feelings, the response/reaction will matter to you less.
Also pro-tip: Other people are thinking about you approx an order of magnitude less than you think they are. If you think they're thinking about you for ten seconds, it's more like 1 second. And they never dwell on those thoughts. It's comforting to know that!
posted by smoke at 1:56 AM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
"You really don't know me well enough to say."
Which is true on two counts: One, you're chattier with people who
are closer to you, and two, strangers have no business making any sort of ignorant and sweeping judgement statement on your general character or behavior.
posted by mochapickle at 1:57 AM on October 18, 2017 [9 favorites]
Which is true on two counts: One, you're chattier with people who
are closer to you, and two, strangers have no business making any sort of ignorant and sweeping judgement statement on your general character or behavior.
posted by mochapickle at 1:57 AM on October 18, 2017 [9 favorites]
I used to be very shy. Now I am less so. In my experience, the people who actually want to help you with your shyness will try and make you as comfortable as possible. They will make themselves a safe person to tell things to and casually include you in conversations without putting you on the spot. There is little-to-no overlap between this group of people and the group of people who say, "Hey, you're really shy!"
So I don't think you should apologize to the second group for your shyness or give them an earnest answer, because they don't deserve it. I would just give them noncommittal answers like, "Not really," or "You don't say," or "Huh."
posted by colfax at 2:02 AM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
So I don't think you should apologize to the second group for your shyness or give them an earnest answer, because they don't deserve it. I would just give them noncommittal answers like, "Not really," or "You don't say," or "Huh."
posted by colfax at 2:02 AM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
overcoming my shyness has been one of the great tasks of my lifetime. My lifetime has gone on for quite a while now (I'm 48) so there's been a lot of work.
People who do this are revealing their own awkwardness. The socially competent are good at making other people feel comfortable, not putting them on the spot.
The ways I have come to deal with this (or any critical-feeling personal observation) are
1) lowering the energy of the situation....the bland "huh," or "Hmm" or just a thoughtful expression, basically the energy you would respond to an observation of really boring weather.
2)joking, bantering, anything that gets the other person to smile. A big grin, as if being caught with hand in cookie jar, conspiratorial eye contact and "ya got me!" or "gotta keep a low profile because I'm in the witness protection program." Threads like this are great for coming up with lines like this. Then you have to imagine some character or celebrity you like delivering the line and practice doing it like them.
3)asking if they ever feel that way. Treating it like they have just revealed something about themselves. "Do you ever feel shy?" This can actually be a great moment for connecting. EVERYONE sometimes feel shy!
Also I don't really see anything wrong with your responses, "yes I know I am" "yes, I'm working on it." They're authentic. It's ok to feel awkward! Actually I would say the single most useful skill in overcoming my shyness has been learning to feel comfortable feeling uncomfortable. It's the desperate scramble to get out of discomfort that freezes my mind.
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 2:31 AM on October 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
People who do this are revealing their own awkwardness. The socially competent are good at making other people feel comfortable, not putting them on the spot.
The ways I have come to deal with this (or any critical-feeling personal observation) are
1) lowering the energy of the situation....the bland "huh," or "Hmm" or just a thoughtful expression, basically the energy you would respond to an observation of really boring weather.
2)joking, bantering, anything that gets the other person to smile. A big grin, as if being caught with hand in cookie jar, conspiratorial eye contact and "ya got me!" or "gotta keep a low profile because I'm in the witness protection program." Threads like this are great for coming up with lines like this. Then you have to imagine some character or celebrity you like delivering the line and practice doing it like them.
3)asking if they ever feel that way. Treating it like they have just revealed something about themselves. "Do you ever feel shy?" This can actually be a great moment for connecting. EVERYONE sometimes feel shy!
Also I don't really see anything wrong with your responses, "yes I know I am" "yes, I'm working on it." They're authentic. It's ok to feel awkward! Actually I would say the single most useful skill in overcoming my shyness has been learning to feel comfortable feeling uncomfortable. It's the desperate scramble to get out of discomfort that freezes my mind.
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 2:31 AM on October 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
I get this a lot too...Along the same vein, I also get "Are you angry?" and "Is everything ok?" fairly regularly.
Like you, I feel defensive at these comments, and my immediate impulse that I sometimes give into, is to be sarcastic and make some off the cuff reply. But eh -- that just makes things more awkward.
Sometimes I simply say "I guess I'd rather listen than talk", but most of the time, I shrug it off and change the topic, or quietly remove myself from the conversation. Later on I feel relieved for being the bigger person in the situation, because frankly, comments like this are a reflection of someone else's insecurity.
Also, if anything, hearing these comments is a great way to understand if someone is extra superficial, hah!
posted by watrlily at 3:53 AM on October 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
Like you, I feel defensive at these comments, and my immediate impulse that I sometimes give into, is to be sarcastic and make some off the cuff reply. But eh -- that just makes things more awkward.
Sometimes I simply say "I guess I'd rather listen than talk", but most of the time, I shrug it off and change the topic, or quietly remove myself from the conversation. Later on I feel relieved for being the bigger person in the situation, because frankly, comments like this are a reflection of someone else's insecurity.
Also, if anything, hearing these comments is a great way to understand if someone is extra superficial, hah!
posted by watrlily at 3:53 AM on October 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
I wish I knew! One of my least favorite things from people is when they cop this attitude that I, before being born, surveyed all the possible personalities and, through defective reasoning and bad character, decided to pick one they disapprove of.
posted by thelonius at 4:06 AM on October 18, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by thelonius at 4:06 AM on October 18, 2017 [6 favorites]
I’m shy and introverted, and when people I don’t know well comment on it there’s usually an undercurrent of “I don’t get it” or “why aren’t you keeping up with the group?” It’s not a particularly tactful thing to point out; in a sense, they’re marking you as an outsider. And I get the feeling that the sort of person who needs to comment on my quietness generally has an understanding of shyness (or introversion, or social anxiety, or being comfortable with silence etc. etc.) that doesn’t line up with my experience. So it’s kind of a couple steps removed from a kid saying, “You’re weird.”
It’s safe to assume that nothing you can say in response will enlighten them about either your nature or the insensitivity of what they just said. And if you’re already feeling awkward in the moment, you might have trouble pulling out the right thing to say no matter how well you’ve prepared. I just go with a quick, quiet, neutral, acknowledgment (“yeah,” “mm-hmm”) and give them a little “maybe not someone I’m socially compatible with” mark in my mental file.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:06 AM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
It’s safe to assume that nothing you can say in response will enlighten them about either your nature or the insensitivity of what they just said. And if you’re already feeling awkward in the moment, you might have trouble pulling out the right thing to say no matter how well you’ve prepared. I just go with a quick, quiet, neutral, acknowledgment (“yeah,” “mm-hmm”) and give them a little “maybe not someone I’m socially compatible with” mark in my mental file.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:06 AM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
You might say "Oh, really? You seem to me very pushy and forward, since we are commenting on personal style.." It is often obnoxious characters who can't stand quiet people, they get uneasy when you are not filling up the air with noise. That is their problem, not yours.
posted by mermayd at 4:59 AM on October 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by mermayd at 4:59 AM on October 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you don't actually want to be rude to people when they bring this up.
As someone who used to be very shy, but isn't now (I'm just somewhat of an introvert), I used to find that the best response was a shrug, along with a response like "sometimes", or "it depends". This indicates that you don't think it's a big deal, that you're not bothered much that they mentioned it, and that your shyness isn't a constant.
Small children will often blurt out the first thing they see about someone: "you're fat", or "you talk funny". A lot of adults don't seem to be over the blurting phase, and will readily tell people that they're shy, or tall, or pretty, or whatever. It may be that they're an extroverted, 'open-book' sort of person who will happily discuss their bowel habits with strangers, and that they don't see anything wrong with this level of intimate observation. Clueless rather than rude or critical, in other words.
Your self-talk about this should include reassuring yourself that the effect of a person's comment about you comes partly from the words they said, but mostly from your own negative feelings. In my experience of being called shy for most of my life, the feeling-bad part came because I was aware that shyness affected a lot of things in my life, and often held me back from doing and saying things I wanted to do or say. When someone comments on it, all of those negative associations come to the fore, and it's difficult to take a comment as something innocuous (if slightly rude), which is all it probably is.
posted by pipeski at 7:02 AM on October 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
As someone who used to be very shy, but isn't now (I'm just somewhat of an introvert), I used to find that the best response was a shrug, along with a response like "sometimes", or "it depends". This indicates that you don't think it's a big deal, that you're not bothered much that they mentioned it, and that your shyness isn't a constant.
Small children will often blurt out the first thing they see about someone: "you're fat", or "you talk funny". A lot of adults don't seem to be over the blurting phase, and will readily tell people that they're shy, or tall, or pretty, or whatever. It may be that they're an extroverted, 'open-book' sort of person who will happily discuss their bowel habits with strangers, and that they don't see anything wrong with this level of intimate observation. Clueless rather than rude or critical, in other words.
Your self-talk about this should include reassuring yourself that the effect of a person's comment about you comes partly from the words they said, but mostly from your own negative feelings. In my experience of being called shy for most of my life, the feeling-bad part came because I was aware that shyness affected a lot of things in my life, and often held me back from doing and saying things I wanted to do or say. When someone comments on it, all of those negative associations come to the fore, and it's difficult to take a comment as something innocuous (if slightly rude), which is all it probably is.
posted by pipeski at 7:02 AM on October 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
Do the same people tell outgoing people that they are outgoing? I think not.
They do. And I get told that I am tall. All the time. As though I hadn't noticed.
People like to make small talk by pointing out things that are obvious. "Been hot lately?" "Vikes sure beat the Packers last night". Ask anyone famous how annoying fans are.
I get that being told you are shy is aggravating. I know I'm tall, and I'm not too stupid to notice. But, for the person saying it - it's the first time they said it. It's novel to them, and they aren't (generally) remarking on that to be unkind. They're just trying to fill a silence and make a connection.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 8:08 AM on October 18, 2017
They do. And I get told that I am tall. All the time. As though I hadn't noticed.
People like to make small talk by pointing out things that are obvious. "Been hot lately?" "Vikes sure beat the Packers last night". Ask anyone famous how annoying fans are.
I get that being told you are shy is aggravating. I know I'm tall, and I'm not too stupid to notice. But, for the person saying it - it's the first time they said it. It's novel to them, and they aren't (generally) remarking on that to be unkind. They're just trying to fill a silence and make a connection.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 8:08 AM on October 18, 2017
When someone points out that you are shy, first decide whether you want to engage with them or not. If not, say "Yes, I'm reserved, and you're blunt. There's a book called 'Quiet' by Susan Cain; I suggest you read it. It's subtitled 'The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking'. There's a whole thing called the Quiet Revolution. Check it out."
If you do want to engage, well, there are tons of options. You can treat the comment as phatic, and reply any number of ways: "Are you?", "how 'bout this weather?", "Not shy, just trying to enjoy the moment.", etc.
posted by at at 8:40 AM on October 18, 2017
If you do want to engage, well, there are tons of options. You can treat the comment as phatic, and reply any number of ways: "Are you?", "how 'bout this weather?", "Not shy, just trying to enjoy the moment.", etc.
posted by at at 8:40 AM on October 18, 2017
It might help to see this not as a judgement of you but as a comment on the current conversation you are having. It makes people extremely uncomfortable if they don‘t get the positive response they‘d like.
„You‘re shy!“ is the answer to the unspoken question „Why is iamsuper not letting me draw her out? Is something wrong with me?“
So „you‘re shy!“ basically means „oh, it‘s not me, it‘s not arrogance, it‘s because iamsuper is generally shy.“
I‘d expend as little energy as possible and respond with „absolutely.“
posted by Omnomnom at 8:59 AM on October 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
„You‘re shy!“ is the answer to the unspoken question „Why is iamsuper not letting me draw her out? Is something wrong with me?“
So „you‘re shy!“ basically means „oh, it‘s not me, it‘s not arrogance, it‘s because iamsuper is generally shy.“
I‘d expend as little energy as possible and respond with „absolutely.“
posted by Omnomnom at 8:59 AM on October 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
I would probably answer that with something like, "Oh, I prefer the term reserved (or quiet)." Then smile slightly and say nothing else.
posted by dancing_angel at 9:06 AM on October 18, 2017
posted by dancing_angel at 9:06 AM on October 18, 2017
If you want to be charitable, you may believe they are wanting to confirm you are holding back because that's your personality, not because you're annoyed at the group or too scared to speak up or bored out of your mind and just wanting to be somewhere else. In which case, a polite, "yes, I know," is all the response that's needed.
If they're trying to imply that shyness is a flaw, and by noticing it they are providing the first step toward fixing it (you say "I guess so," and they say "oh, I know, I'll introduce you to X and that will get you over being shy!")... erm, no, that's not okay.
If they're saying it on the same level that a small child notices physical characteristics... sigh, they may normally be oblivious to the people around them, and may have spent the last several minutes trying to figure out what was "different" about you, and finally reached a conclusion. They may be very very proud of themselves for having noticed what anyone who pays attention would've seen in three minutes, and had the sense not to mention (because it's not like you hadn't realized you're shy) - no, they want a cookie for having discovered this Great Secret.
In which case, you can either smile brightly and say, "oh, you noticed! How clever of you!" Or you can just say, "yes, I'm aware," and ignore them.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 10:01 AM on October 18, 2017
If they're trying to imply that shyness is a flaw, and by noticing it they are providing the first step toward fixing it (you say "I guess so," and they say "oh, I know, I'll introduce you to X and that will get you over being shy!")... erm, no, that's not okay.
If they're saying it on the same level that a small child notices physical characteristics... sigh, they may normally be oblivious to the people around them, and may have spent the last several minutes trying to figure out what was "different" about you, and finally reached a conclusion. They may be very very proud of themselves for having noticed what anyone who pays attention would've seen in three minutes, and had the sense not to mention (because it's not like you hadn't realized you're shy) - no, they want a cookie for having discovered this Great Secret.
In which case, you can either smile brightly and say, "oh, you noticed! How clever of you!" Or you can just say, "yes, I'm aware," and ignore them.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 10:01 AM on October 18, 2017
I used to whisper “yes but don’t tell anyone,” then loudly bitch about it with the people I actually liked.
I was voted “quietest” by the yearbook my senior year of high school. Loud assholes think they’re so fucking clever.
posted by a hat out of hell at 10:14 AM on October 18, 2017 [3 favorites]
I was voted “quietest” by the yearbook my senior year of high school. Loud assholes think they’re so fucking clever.
posted by a hat out of hell at 10:14 AM on October 18, 2017 [3 favorites]
When I was young (maybe age 8-14), classmates would sometimes look at me and say "you're weird!"
Nothing shut down the conversation and moved things along as successfully as me smiling politely and saying "thank you!" Something about treating the rude observation as if it was an inconsequential piece of politeness seems to disarm this type of person.
So I would suggest an insincere "thank you" followed by moving your gaze to someone (or something) else.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 10:25 AM on October 18, 2017
Nothing shut down the conversation and moved things along as successfully as me smiling politely and saying "thank you!" Something about treating the rude observation as if it was an inconsequential piece of politeness seems to disarm this type of person.
So I would suggest an insincere "thank you" followed by moving your gaze to someone (or something) else.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 10:25 AM on October 18, 2017
When people say something like this about me (I'm both sometimes shy AND tall, so there's plenty of material for people who like to point out the obvious) I just say, "It's true." and nothing more about it.
posted by zem at 10:30 AM on October 18, 2017
posted by zem at 10:30 AM on October 18, 2017
them: lol ur so shy
you, huge smile: nope, you're just boring!
posted by poffin boffin at 10:32 AM on October 18, 2017 [3 favorites]
you, huge smile: nope, you're just boring!
posted by poffin boffin at 10:32 AM on October 18, 2017 [3 favorites]
I like the chipper "Okay!" and then moving my attention to something that is not the rude person, like a book or my knitting.
posted by darchildre at 10:53 AM on October 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by darchildre at 10:53 AM on October 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
I get this a lot (both shy, which I have worked on when I have the energy, and introverted, which I'm totally fine with).
A lot depends on the context / apparent hostility of the commenter. For me it's by far most commonly either benign observational-style small talk, a friend teasing me about not being social, or someone who is getting a little tired of carrying the conversation (oops).
In the first two scenarios I'm like "yep" (smile). No need to be defensive or embarrassed. I'm quiet, yep, NBD. I don't apologize, that's who I am, if they want to be friends with me they can deal with it.
If they seem to be saying it because they really are doing more than their fair share of the conversational effort and I'm not doing enough to share the load (i.e. not a group setting), that usually warrants a "yeah sorry, I'm tired today" or something, and a bit more effort if I can manage it, usually soon followed by a graceful exit.
posted by randomnity at 11:52 AM on October 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
A lot depends on the context / apparent hostility of the commenter. For me it's by far most commonly either benign observational-style small talk, a friend teasing me about not being social, or someone who is getting a little tired of carrying the conversation (oops).
In the first two scenarios I'm like "yep" (smile). No need to be defensive or embarrassed. I'm quiet, yep, NBD. I don't apologize, that's who I am, if they want to be friends with me they can deal with it.
If they seem to be saying it because they really are doing more than their fair share of the conversational effort and I'm not doing enough to share the load (i.e. not a group setting), that usually warrants a "yeah sorry, I'm tired today" or something, and a bit more effort if I can manage it, usually soon followed by a graceful exit.
posted by randomnity at 11:52 AM on October 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
Also, on an internal level, it may help to remind yourself that if you can't help being standoffish, it's far better for someone to think you're that way because you're shy than to think you're stuck up or don't like them. So in some ways it's actually a positive thing for people to think you're shy. This is part of why I'm very open/unapologetic about being quiet.
People are also usually very understanding when they realize you're shy (almost everyone has had shy moments sometimes, so it's very relatable), and will often want to help you become more vocal/integrated (of course the help is not always welcome or even useful.. but most people want to help you feel more comfortable, not judge you). I totally understand that it's a sensitive area for you (fear of being judged is a huge part of being shy, after all!) but most people saying that you're shy are probably not intending it in a hostile way.
posted by randomnity at 12:17 PM on October 18, 2017
People are also usually very understanding when they realize you're shy (almost everyone has had shy moments sometimes, so it's very relatable), and will often want to help you become more vocal/integrated (of course the help is not always welcome or even useful.. but most people want to help you feel more comfortable, not judge you). I totally understand that it's a sensitive area for you (fear of being judged is a huge part of being shy, after all!) but most people saying that you're shy are probably not intending it in a hostile way.
posted by randomnity at 12:17 PM on October 18, 2017
I'm really surprised by many of the answers in this thread.
"You're shy!" means two things. (1) "I'm uncomfortable with how quiet you are!" and (2) "I'm not socially graceful enough to know to refrain from personal remarks."
I don't think it means "let's trade insults."
I really think a better solution is to change the subject. You don't have to reassure them if you don't want to - although I think in many cases a "nah, just listening / preoccupied / thinkin my own thoughts" is a neutral and reasonable segue into changing the subject. How about just a headshake and a "how are you enjoying the [thing we're at]?"?
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:38 PM on October 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
"You're shy!" means two things. (1) "I'm uncomfortable with how quiet you are!" and (2) "I'm not socially graceful enough to know to refrain from personal remarks."
I don't think it means "let's trade insults."
I really think a better solution is to change the subject. You don't have to reassure them if you don't want to - although I think in many cases a "nah, just listening / preoccupied / thinkin my own thoughts" is a neutral and reasonable segue into changing the subject. How about just a headshake and a "how are you enjoying the [thing we're at]?"?
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:38 PM on October 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
Pleasantly: "You're not the first person to say that," plus a shrug. Sometimes I follow with, "I'm guessing you're not?" Small talk is small talk, and anyone pointing out my shyness is usually primed to do all of the talking anyway.
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:53 PM on October 18, 2017
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:53 PM on October 18, 2017
I am shy but not introverted. When people have pointed out my shyness the response I've been happiest and most comfortable with is to simply agree with them.
Yeah this is me. I am shy around new people but am pretty gregarious in a group of people I know. I am actually getting better about my own shyness because, in my opinion, what people seem to be observing is "You are weirdly quiet, must be a personality thing..." and they make a comment about it (WHY I DO NOT KNOW) as a sort of "Out" for me to basically own up to being shy but not owning up to me, let's say, hating them or hating where I am or being sad or being awkward or whatever. So to me I've reframed shy as being actually pretty good compared to the alternatives (which are sometimes also true!).
So, you can't make them stop staying that sort of thing. But, you can decide that most of the time they are probably not being assholes. And you can also OWN IT and realize that, through shyness you are also not and asshole, a jerk, someone who makes impolite comments, or whatever else is going on. I'll sometimes say something friendly-but-true like "Yeah I just don't open up until I know people a little better" and that often works ok for me, maybe you'll find some sort of response that works for you. No shame in being shy.
posted by jessamyn at 1:26 PM on October 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
Yeah this is me. I am shy around new people but am pretty gregarious in a group of people I know. I am actually getting better about my own shyness because, in my opinion, what people seem to be observing is "You are weirdly quiet, must be a personality thing..." and they make a comment about it (WHY I DO NOT KNOW) as a sort of "Out" for me to basically own up to being shy but not owning up to me, let's say, hating them or hating where I am or being sad or being awkward or whatever. So to me I've reframed shy as being actually pretty good compared to the alternatives (which are sometimes also true!).
So, you can't make them stop staying that sort of thing. But, you can decide that most of the time they are probably not being assholes. And you can also OWN IT and realize that, through shyness you are also not and asshole, a jerk, someone who makes impolite comments, or whatever else is going on. I'll sometimes say something friendly-but-true like "Yeah I just don't open up until I know people a little better" and that often works ok for me, maybe you'll find some sort of response that works for you. No shame in being shy.
posted by jessamyn at 1:26 PM on October 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
“Is that an observation, a compliment, or criticism?” Is what I sometimes say when someone tells me something that I find obvious but obnoxious/gauche to say aloud. Regardless of the other person’s reply, I usually say, “Duly noted” or “Hmm.”
posted by Hermione Granger at 2:25 PM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 2:25 PM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
I'm introverted, and get this sometimes, and it's unpleasant, because it kind of puts you in a position of having to explain yourself. This question got me thinking - what if I was an outgoing, chatty person, and someone came up to me and said "you seem shy!" What would I answer as an outgoing, extraverted person? I think I'd say "I do?? What makes you say that?" with a genuine surprise and a friendly smile. Just like unknowncommand said. Yep, that's what I'm going to do next time this happens.
posted by LakeDream at 6:48 PM on October 18, 2017
posted by LakeDream at 6:48 PM on October 18, 2017
"And...?"
posted by sarahw at 7:22 PM on October 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by sarahw at 7:22 PM on October 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
A few more that have bubbled up in my mind over the past day -- you really could make a Magic 8-Ball for this:
"Meow?"
"Yeah, it drives my parole officer nuts."
[say nothing, retreat into cowlneck or hoodie]
"Pfft. This is nothing! You should have known me back at the monastery/nunnery/mime college."
"Not at all. Just enraptured by your peerless beauty and incisive wit."
"Nah, just constantly fighting back savory wet burps."
[say nothing, hold up a sign that says "Can't talk, the walls have ears!"]
[Weeping openly] "Can...can you ever forgive me?"
"Guilty as charged! You can endorse me for it on LinkedIn if you want."
posted by armeowda at 8:39 PM on October 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
"Meow?"
"Yeah, it drives my parole officer nuts."
[say nothing, retreat into cowlneck or hoodie]
"Pfft. This is nothing! You should have known me back at the monastery/nunnery/mime college."
"Not at all. Just enraptured by your peerless beauty and incisive wit."
"Nah, just constantly fighting back savory wet burps."
[say nothing, hold up a sign that says "Can't talk, the walls have ears!"]
[Weeping openly] "Can...can you ever forgive me?"
"Guilty as charged! You can endorse me for it on LinkedIn if you want."
posted by armeowda at 8:39 PM on October 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by unknowncommand at 11:25 PM on October 17, 2017 [8 favorites]