What steps do I need to take to move out and change my life around?

July 24, 2017 3:03 PM

I am heading toward my mid twenties and I have never moved out of my parents home. I commuted to college for all five years that I was in college full time. I was under strict rules and was very sheltered during this whole time. I had serious mental health that I have only recently started to treat. I do not have a lot to show for college. I was careless with my grades and many of my relationships have ended badly. I take responsibility for this although my mental health issues have contributed.

I feel that I am very far behind my peers and that I have not adjusted well at all to adulthood. My family is very traditional and conservative and are starting to pressure me to get married. I don't think they would ever force me however there will be lots of emotional guilt tripping from the whole extended family. I have been a closet agnostic for years living in a religious household. I am very prone to depressive episodes and generally not well equipped to handle things emotionally. My parents have treated me very well for the most part however they do have episodes of rage that scare me. I feel that they have coddled me and I do not feel like I am a good enough daughter. I never had to pay rent and rarely ever cooked. Because of that I feel guilty for letting them down and for not being the daughter that they wanted. My parents have worked very hard to keep me comfortable.
During college I had a very hard time and preferred to stay home after classes. I never joined any clubs or made any friends. I have very little relevant work experience and a very low gpa. I have also accidentally made a lot of enemies because of my poor work ethics and social skills and so I have few references.
I have lost out on my early twenties and I am hoping my late twenties will be better.
What steps do I need to take so that eventually I feel secure moving out? My worst fear is that I relaspe into a depressive episodes when I move out and I will no longer have my parents to fall back on.

posted by sheepishchiffon to Human Relations (10 answers total)

When you say you have only just started treating your mental health, what does that mean? Are you in therapy, taking medication?
posted by Dynex at 3:40 PM on July 24, 2017

Do you have a job? Do you have the ability to save money? I truly do not mean this as an insult, as your post makes it seem like you have a hard time with responsibility (maybe never having the option to develop that skill due to your parents' coddling) but even if you did have the money to move out, do you have the organizational skills to pay your bills/rent on time?

I would normally never suggest this but would your parents be able to help you move out by paying some of your rent? That way you could at least start to develop some independence? Have you talked to them about this? It's possible they don't want you living with them forever.
posted by Brittanie at 4:03 PM on July 24, 2017

Response by poster: My parents do not want me to move out. I am being treated with medication and therapy. I do have a part time minimum wage job.
posted by sheepishchiffon at 4:06 PM on July 24, 2017

Talk this over with your therapist, they can help you develop a plan and help keep you on track. Actually taking this question in and handing it to them may be a good start.
posted by BoscosMom at 4:10 PM on July 24, 2017 [5 favorites]

Do you have your own separate bank account? Do you have a credit history? I feel like some of the advice you're looking for is logistical and some is more social/psychological/relationship focused. On the logistics front, there are steps you can probably take now to make things easier for when you do move out, but it would help us to have an a better idea of what (if any) logistics or steps toward financial independence you already have in place.
posted by deludingmyself at 4:40 PM on July 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I have a my own separate bank account and my credit score is actually very good. I have several thousand dollars saved up right now.
posted by sheepishchiffon at 4:47 PM on July 24, 2017

Volunteer somewhere . You get out of the house, you meet new people, you have something else to put on a resume, and maybe you feel more useful and more fulfilled.

But live at home for now. If you're out of the house all day working and volunteering, it won't be so weird. You can save money and keep looking for a better job. And then, if you get a better job, maybe think about moving out if you still feel like it.

Or if you still have time to fill on top of volunteering and the part-time job, maybe start a business. It could be a service you offer, where you don't lose money if no one takes you up on the offer, so no big loss if you get zero clients. But plan it, name it, and incorporate it if it doesn't cost a lot of money. Be capable of doing the job if someone actually pays you for it. Now you have another line to add to your resume -- you started and ran your own business. The HR person where you go to apply for your next job maybe thinks you're doing more than you actually do.

And if that sounds like more stress than you can deal with, volunteering doesn't have to be lots and lots of hours, and starting a business can be mainly all on paper if you don't have any real clients.
posted by pracowity at 5:09 PM on July 24, 2017 [5 favorites]

Best answer: You have therapeutic support, money saved and decent credit. Are you still on your parents' insurance? Could that enable you to stay in therapy and perhaps on meds for at least a couple more years?

Rip off the band-aid and move out. Find a roommate situation. Staying under your parents roof is infantilizing and allowing you to stay mired in your depression. If you move out, you will have to choice but to fend for yourself, make mistakes, find ways to get what you want and need, learn how to budget, stretch your resources, and figure out how to navigate socially amongst a cohort that isn't solely your parents or co-workers.

I have been where you are, including the religious aspect. Taking care of yourself will help - not cure, but help somewhat - your self-esteem. You still need lots of therapy but you have to separate from your parents. Lots and lots of people get stuck in their twenties. There is literally NOTHING here that you cannot overcome. Nothing. The reality is, it will take some time to build the kind of bridges from your present to your future that you need to build; that said, you have time and resources. These are precious advantages. Use them.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:16 PM on July 24, 2017 [11 favorites]

Best answer: Agreed, you should move out; many people do it your age or later these days! And often if their parents are as protective as yours, they are not without resources or support if they ever get in trouble. Don't think of it as a big step. If you end up hating it, you don't have to do it forever. Remember that!

I don't think you should volunteer or give your time away for free - any job that can't afford to pay you at this vulnerable stage in your career isn't worth pursuing. I actually smiled on seeing your updates, as it sounds like you are on your way to having some money!

I think the first best thing would be to get a full time job. Get a job with benefits if you can find one. Retirement benefits, not just insurance. In a lot of jobs, if you put money in a retirement fund, the company matches the amount you put in. Do this now and you will be rich later! Do you know about stuff like this?

Feel free to memail me if you have specific concerns about the process of moving out. I can also offer tips on making your resume more presentable if you want them! There are ways to de-emphasize weaknesses in your education and experience and accentuate positives. This is not cheating - it's expected you will do this! This internet stranger is willing to help ya out.
posted by benadryl at 12:44 AM on July 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

If you are employed and saving money, you are 2/3rds down the road to independence. As a very nonreligious person, I wholeheartedly endorse the Dave Ramsey financial class. It provides useful tools, guidance, and information that you will find helpful in managing your limited income and ensuring you don't end up in debt while you achieve separation.
They come at things from a very Jesusy perspective, but if you are able to substitute in "common sense" every time they say "Biblical principals" (like I did) you'll manage fine.
Seriously, I learned methods and information in my 40s from this class that I sorely wish I had learned in my 20s.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 11:37 AM on July 25, 2017