She's leaving home after living alone for so many years
August 21, 2016 5:46 PM Subscribe
I'm a 23 year old trans woman who lives with my religious parents, deeply closeted. I need to move out as soon as I can, and I think I'm figuring all that stuff out okay... I just don't know how to get myself to actually do it. And I don't know how to approach my parents about any of this. I know I am going to hurt them and I know they've given me no choice, but I'm still feeling a lot of guilt over it. Convince me I'm doing the right thing :/
They are not abusive or even especially restrictive or preachy, which has been surprising. For Jehovahs Witnesses they have been open-minded and permissive. I've mentioned my desire to move out sometime soonish, but kept things very vague. All they've said is they don't want me to rush and be destitute. I think they've come to terms with my lack of interest in their religion (they've said just about as much, and said they aren't kicking me out and I would always be welcome back). They have implied they know I want to move out to escape their religion, which is partly true and I haven't really denied it. They probably see me as the prodigal son.
We have actually gotten along fairly well recently. Better than any other time in my life. I am legitimately not angry at them; I just know I need to move on. So I know it will be a huge shock to them. They've been so accommodating of me and given me so much, but I know they won't accept my gender or my sexuality. I still hate to hurt them.
It's also really difficult because there's every possibility I will never see them again. And they've made my life really hard in some ways but I still love them and would miss them so much.
So my question is really how to do it. I know I should line everything up and move my stuff out so I can escape quickly, but I would have to do it in one day within five hours while they are at work. I have a few difficult decisions:
Leave a letter and disappear, or have the toughest conversation of my life then move out?
Come out as trans or not?
Leave open the possibility of contact or disconnect completely? (I have already decided I won't tell them where I am moving).
I feel like I owe them an explanation of why I'm doing this. I'm leaning toward the conversation and coming out as trans while enforcing no-contact for at least a few months. But that just takes it from 10 to 11 in difficulty.
I also don't know how to process this emotionally. I'm sitting in the aisle of a Target crying while writing this, just imagining the conversation. I've been listening to "She's leaving home" and bawling, especially at the parents' lines.
Please convince me I'm doing the right thing :/
They are not abusive or even especially restrictive or preachy, which has been surprising. For Jehovahs Witnesses they have been open-minded and permissive. I've mentioned my desire to move out sometime soonish, but kept things very vague. All they've said is they don't want me to rush and be destitute. I think they've come to terms with my lack of interest in their religion (they've said just about as much, and said they aren't kicking me out and I would always be welcome back). They have implied they know I want to move out to escape their religion, which is partly true and I haven't really denied it. They probably see me as the prodigal son.
We have actually gotten along fairly well recently. Better than any other time in my life. I am legitimately not angry at them; I just know I need to move on. So I know it will be a huge shock to them. They've been so accommodating of me and given me so much, but I know they won't accept my gender or my sexuality. I still hate to hurt them.
It's also really difficult because there's every possibility I will never see them again. And they've made my life really hard in some ways but I still love them and would miss them so much.
So my question is really how to do it. I know I should line everything up and move my stuff out so I can escape quickly, but I would have to do it in one day within five hours while they are at work. I have a few difficult decisions:
Leave a letter and disappear, or have the toughest conversation of my life then move out?
Come out as trans or not?
Leave open the possibility of contact or disconnect completely? (I have already decided I won't tell them where I am moving).
I feel like I owe them an explanation of why I'm doing this. I'm leaning toward the conversation and coming out as trans while enforcing no-contact for at least a few months. But that just takes it from 10 to 11 in difficulty.
I also don't know how to process this emotionally. I'm sitting in the aisle of a Target crying while writing this, just imagining the conversation. I've been listening to "She's leaving home" and bawling, especially at the parents' lines.
Please convince me I'm doing the right thing :/
Yeah don't make this about your gender identity with your folks. Just day you want your own space. Once you're 100% out, broach the subject as you see fit. This is not an emergency. Slowly moving towards independence and expressing your identity and sexuality is great. Life is a marathon. You have lots of time to move towards feeling like you're truely expressing yourself.
posted by Kalmya at 6:07 PM on August 21, 2016 [12 favorites]
posted by Kalmya at 6:07 PM on August 21, 2016 [12 favorites]
Could you first move out, and then tell them? That way you'll have already established a residence and support network outside the home. However, if you feel you need to do it earlier or even immediately for your own mental well-being, then do that. Do you have a therapist and/or support group who can provide some in-person assistance to you as you take these next steps? Coming out and leaving your family can feel so lonely but there are ways to feel less alone, and you deserve those positive voices of support and love and validation.
When you do come out to your parents, it might help to leave them with some resources. For example, LGBTQ+ friendly Christian pamphlets. Soulforce has a bunch of great resources, and they could probably connect you with some materials or at least people who understand the JW faith and community. Perhaps the number of the local PFLAG group, too? You could even have friends or other support people with you when you tell them.
Your parents may be unsupportive at first but there's always the chance that they may eventually embrace you and your gender identity and sexual orientation -- really! I think it's good to be prepared for the worst but also realize that a lot of people change for the better over time. Telling them how much you love them and appreciate the good they've done for you as their child -- regardless of gender -- would certainly be nice even if they ignore it at first. I'd definitely go no-contact if they start harassing you but, if it's just uncomfortable, I'd leave some door open for contact. (For example, only block their numbers on your cell phone if they are bothering you.) However, it's completely up to you.
I wish you luck!! I think you're doing the right thing to come out to them and start fully living life as the person who you truly are. That said, there's no rush and working through step-by-step while increasing your non-familial support system would the most ideal.
posted by smorgasbord at 6:07 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
When you do come out to your parents, it might help to leave them with some resources. For example, LGBTQ+ friendly Christian pamphlets. Soulforce has a bunch of great resources, and they could probably connect you with some materials or at least people who understand the JW faith and community. Perhaps the number of the local PFLAG group, too? You could even have friends or other support people with you when you tell them.
Your parents may be unsupportive at first but there's always the chance that they may eventually embrace you and your gender identity and sexual orientation -- really! I think it's good to be prepared for the worst but also realize that a lot of people change for the better over time. Telling them how much you love them and appreciate the good they've done for you as their child -- regardless of gender -- would certainly be nice even if they ignore it at first. I'd definitely go no-contact if they start harassing you but, if it's just uncomfortable, I'd leave some door open for contact. (For example, only block their numbers on your cell phone if they are bothering you.) However, it's completely up to you.
I wish you luck!! I think you're doing the right thing to come out to them and start fully living life as the person who you truly are. That said, there's no rush and working through step-by-step while increasing your non-familial support system would the most ideal.
posted by smorgasbord at 6:07 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
Echoing radio, one step at a time. It's really hard to gauge your parents based on this post here.
Do what you feel comfortable with, take things one minute at a time and most importantly stay safe.
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:08 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
Do what you feel comfortable with, take things one minute at a time and most importantly stay safe.
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:08 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
Totally agree with radioamy. If they are not opposed to you moving out, there's no reason to sneak out while they're away and leave a note. I'm trans and I understand you must feel very compelled to come out to them, but you can choose how to pace this to minimize the drama for everybody. Moving out and coming out are two different things. You can move out and start doing things to explore your gender or begin your transition, without involving your parents right away. Moving out will be its own adjustment, and you don't need to complicate it for yourself or your parents by coming out right now.
Your parents may be more accepting than you'd think. Sometimes the people you think will support you don't, and the people you think won't support you do. I'd say move out and establish your independence, and then start feeling them out about gender stuff. Hopefully you will all get through this together and they will surprise you by how supportive they end up being. Good luck!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 6:09 PM on August 21, 2016 [10 favorites]
Your parents may be more accepting than you'd think. Sometimes the people you think will support you don't, and the people you think won't support you do. I'd say move out and establish your independence, and then start feeling them out about gender stuff. Hopefully you will all get through this together and they will surprise you by how supportive they end up being. Good luck!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 6:09 PM on August 21, 2016 [10 favorites]
This doesn't have to be all or nothing. Why not just... move out? Tell them it's time for you to try to live on your own. It doesn't have to be this Big Deal Conversation yet. If you're not ready, don't take it that far. I'm unclear on why you seem to think you need to basically run away from home. You're 23 - just tell them you're moving out. From your post they haven't even tried to stop you.
Obviously you know your parents best, and you know what their reaction would be to your gender identity better than anyone here, but moving out doesn't have to be the catalyst for never seeing them again.
I don't think that you should just run off. This doesn't sound like an abusive or dangerous situation, and that would hurt them deeply. But I also don't know all the details, so take this at your own discretion.
Really, you probably need therapy. This is a HARD situation with some understandably big feelings involved, and we can't help you work through those or take the steps needed in this situation. A therapist can help you get clarity and take the steps to tell your parents at your own pace while they are there for you in any way you need them.
But first--just move out. You don't have to run away or tell them why. You can move out because you're an adult and you feel it's time.
posted by Amy93 at 6:12 PM on August 21, 2016 [6 favorites]
Obviously you know your parents best, and you know what their reaction would be to your gender identity better than anyone here, but moving out doesn't have to be the catalyst for never seeing them again.
I don't think that you should just run off. This doesn't sound like an abusive or dangerous situation, and that would hurt them deeply. But I also don't know all the details, so take this at your own discretion.
Really, you probably need therapy. This is a HARD situation with some understandably big feelings involved, and we can't help you work through those or take the steps needed in this situation. A therapist can help you get clarity and take the steps to tell your parents at your own pace while they are there for you in any way you need them.
But first--just move out. You don't have to run away or tell them why. You can move out because you're an adult and you feel it's time.
posted by Amy93 at 6:12 PM on August 21, 2016 [6 favorites]
You have created a really complicated narrative here in which you need to "escape" quickly and not tell them where you're going, while in the same breath you are describing non-abusive parents who you've already spoken to about leaving and they seem pretty resigned to it even if they don't loooove it. It's not a "shock" when they know it's coming. It might be hard on them and make them sad and a little disappointed, but it literally cannot be a shock because you already told them.
Don't flee a scene that doesn't need fleeing. You will survive any uncomfortable feelings that result. Stop winding yourself up with songs and crying in Target. Stop preparing to napalm a situation that isn't that dire.
Step 1: move out. Let them know you will be doing this, let them know when you've found a place and when your move-in is. Be kind if it is hard for them, but continue with your plan and move out. Don't hide it from them.
Step 2: get settled. Get your feet under you, build up your support system, get the hang of living on your own. Now that you're out of the house you can reach out to trans-friendly resources and maybe get a little therapy or at least support group and mentoring. Have a relationship with your parents while this dust settles. It will be a whole new relationship, it'll be a little bit hard and it will also be a little bit better than before.
Step 3: prepare your strategy for coming out to your parents. Scorch as little earth as possible for your own sake first and for theirs second. Be prepared to give your parents a little credit, because they may already know something's not right. It kind of seems like they might. Maybe they won't be able to handle it at all, and if it does turn out to be a temporary or permanent relationship-breaker, you need your mental health resources lined up as best you can, so invest some time into that before you get to this stage.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:19 PM on August 21, 2016 [15 favorites]
Don't flee a scene that doesn't need fleeing. You will survive any uncomfortable feelings that result. Stop winding yourself up with songs and crying in Target. Stop preparing to napalm a situation that isn't that dire.
Step 1: move out. Let them know you will be doing this, let them know when you've found a place and when your move-in is. Be kind if it is hard for them, but continue with your plan and move out. Don't hide it from them.
Step 2: get settled. Get your feet under you, build up your support system, get the hang of living on your own. Now that you're out of the house you can reach out to trans-friendly resources and maybe get a little therapy or at least support group and mentoring. Have a relationship with your parents while this dust settles. It will be a whole new relationship, it'll be a little bit hard and it will also be a little bit better than before.
Step 3: prepare your strategy for coming out to your parents. Scorch as little earth as possible for your own sake first and for theirs second. Be prepared to give your parents a little credit, because they may already know something's not right. It kind of seems like they might. Maybe they won't be able to handle it at all, and if it does turn out to be a temporary or permanent relationship-breaker, you need your mental health resources lined up as best you can, so invest some time into that before you get to this stage.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:19 PM on August 21, 2016 [15 favorites]
What are you talking about? Is there a giant chunk of the story missing?
You are 23 years old and 23 year old ADULTS generally do move out of the family home and live on their own. Your parents are in agreement and are not hassling you! Why are you planning on leaving and disappearing? I can't think of anything worse to do in your shoes.
You don't sound like you need to leave under these circumstances. Stop listening to maudlin over dramatic music. Go sit in a park, go to the beach. Turn off the electronics. BREATHE :)))
I don't know your whole story, but it sounds like your parents aren't locking you in your room, stealing your money, restricting your movements, or particularly playing head games with you. Unless you are being abused (in which case, there are resources to help) I'm pretty sure you can just move out when you are ready and have a place lined up.
You do know you are a legal adult, right? You get to live where you want, be who you want, wear whatever clothes you want, love who you want, and decide what name to call yourself. 100% these are your rights. Enjoy them without guilt, drama, or malice.
Take a few breaths first and relax, though. OK? Good.
Congratulations. Moving out is GREAT. You're going to thrive :))
posted by jbenben at 6:24 PM on August 21, 2016 [7 favorites]
You are 23 years old and 23 year old ADULTS generally do move out of the family home and live on their own. Your parents are in agreement and are not hassling you! Why are you planning on leaving and disappearing? I can't think of anything worse to do in your shoes.
You don't sound like you need to leave under these circumstances. Stop listening to maudlin over dramatic music. Go sit in a park, go to the beach. Turn off the electronics. BREATHE :)))
I don't know your whole story, but it sounds like your parents aren't locking you in your room, stealing your money, restricting your movements, or particularly playing head games with you. Unless you are being abused (in which case, there are resources to help) I'm pretty sure you can just move out when you are ready and have a place lined up.
You do know you are a legal adult, right? You get to live where you want, be who you want, wear whatever clothes you want, love who you want, and decide what name to call yourself. 100% these are your rights. Enjoy them without guilt, drama, or malice.
Take a few breaths first and relax, though. OK? Good.
Congratulations. Moving out is GREAT. You're going to thrive :))
posted by jbenben at 6:24 PM on August 21, 2016 [7 favorites]
What is the rest of your support network like? Do you have trans friends in your area? It honestly doesn't sound like you do or you'd be asking them, not us. Don't pre-emptively cut off your family and say things you can never take back. I have seen a lot of parents come around eventually, even really religious ones. That said, you can and should set boundaries. If they can't be supportive, then they need to at least not be hurtful.
I agree that you should move out on your own and be as financially independent as possible before you tell them. Do you have a job? Savings? Health insurance? As you can imagine, this is going to be extremely important as you transition (if you are pursuing medical transition). I know this is overwhelming and you probably can't wait to just rip off the bandaid! But it doesn't have to happen all at once. It's honestly better to slow down, plan it out, and then act.
For context, I'm a trans guy with a lot of trans friends. If you're in the US/Canada and don't have trans friends IRL, memail me and I can probably find you some.
posted by AFABulous at 6:28 PM on August 21, 2016 [4 favorites]
I agree that you should move out on your own and be as financially independent as possible before you tell them. Do you have a job? Savings? Health insurance? As you can imagine, this is going to be extremely important as you transition (if you are pursuing medical transition). I know this is overwhelming and you probably can't wait to just rip off the bandaid! But it doesn't have to happen all at once. It's honestly better to slow down, plan it out, and then act.
For context, I'm a trans guy with a lot of trans friends. If you're in the US/Canada and don't have trans friends IRL, memail me and I can probably find you some.
posted by AFABulous at 6:28 PM on August 21, 2016 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: To clarify: at my budget, I'm going to have to find roommates or rent a sublet. And I am adamant on finding other queer roommates/trans friendly renters. I don't really see any way to be open about when I am moving out while hiding everything about the place I'm moving to (including the address, because I may need that safety). I may not need to come out or explain myself but I do know that I will need to make it quick. I am not fleeing. It's that I've been stalling for 23 years and I want to rip the bandaid off. I am six months into hormones and getting to the point where presenting male at home is too painful and hiding the effects is getting impractical.
Jehovahs witnesses are a different breed of religion. They are VERY insular and unwilling to budge on their beliefs (because they would risk being shunned themselves). Emotional manipulation and behavioral control is how they operate. Even living with cross-gender roommates is scandalous, and in fact they've completely shunned my brother for nearly a decade simply for living with his girlfriend before marriage. They haven't been physically abusive but emotional control and being raised in a cult takes its toll. Yes, I'm an adult and I should be able to do what I want, but It's been difficult wrestling my confidence out of that mess while also looking for the strength to transition.
Like I said, I have the details mostly worked out. Good job, plenty of savings, and I'm close to finding a place. I just didn't expect to be so bowled over emotionally when I've been preparing for this for years. And I didn't expect to feel guilty or selfish.
posted by Flower Grower at 6:54 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
Jehovahs witnesses are a different breed of religion. They are VERY insular and unwilling to budge on their beliefs (because they would risk being shunned themselves). Emotional manipulation and behavioral control is how they operate. Even living with cross-gender roommates is scandalous, and in fact they've completely shunned my brother for nearly a decade simply for living with his girlfriend before marriage. They haven't been physically abusive but emotional control and being raised in a cult takes its toll. Yes, I'm an adult and I should be able to do what I want, but It's been difficult wrestling my confidence out of that mess while also looking for the strength to transition.
Like I said, I have the details mostly worked out. Good job, plenty of savings, and I'm close to finding a place. I just didn't expect to be so bowled over emotionally when I've been preparing for this for years. And I didn't expect to feel guilty or selfish.
posted by Flower Grower at 6:54 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
Have you been baptized? Just asking because that has made a huge difference in how my Witness friends are treated by their families when they leave... if they were never baptized things are pretty cool; if they were then they need to be shunned by the community.
I hope they take things better than you expect. Leaving your entire past life and community behind is devastating even when you know it's the right choice. Online communities of former Witnesses exist; would you find them helpful?
posted by metasarah at 7:10 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
I hope they take things better than you expect. Leaving your entire past life and community behind is devastating even when you know it's the right choice. Online communities of former Witnesses exist; would you find them helpful?
posted by metasarah at 7:10 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: OK, the urgency makes a lot more sense if you're already on HRT.
Coming out is extremely emotional even without unsupportive family. I'm totally independent, been living on my own for 20 years, parents are not religious, and I was still terrified to come out. My therapist said NOT to do it in person, because it would just end up in a confrontation, and I tend to freeze like a deer in headlights. So I wrote an email. My dad didn't speak to me for 3 months, but a year later he's mostly fine.
It sounds like an email/letter is a good option in your case too. And I understand why you want to do it all at the same time, otherwise they'll want to know where you're living and who with. That seems like a good plan - find a roommate/sublet, move out, and send the email. Can you say you're going camping or visiting a friend to give yourself a few days to breathe before they expect you to come back?
You are going to be okay. Don't ever feel guilty for being who you are. YOU are not doing anything wrong. If they can't or won't accept you, they are in the wrong, period.
posted by AFABulous at 7:11 PM on August 21, 2016 [6 favorites]
Coming out is extremely emotional even without unsupportive family. I'm totally independent, been living on my own for 20 years, parents are not religious, and I was still terrified to come out. My therapist said NOT to do it in person, because it would just end up in a confrontation, and I tend to freeze like a deer in headlights. So I wrote an email. My dad didn't speak to me for 3 months, but a year later he's mostly fine.
It sounds like an email/letter is a good option in your case too. And I understand why you want to do it all at the same time, otherwise they'll want to know where you're living and who with. That seems like a good plan - find a roommate/sublet, move out, and send the email. Can you say you're going camping or visiting a friend to give yourself a few days to breathe before they expect you to come back?
You are going to be okay. Don't ever feel guilty for being who you are. YOU are not doing anything wrong. If they can't or won't accept you, they are in the wrong, period.
posted by AFABulous at 7:11 PM on August 21, 2016 [6 favorites]
By the way, if you don't know how to find queer/trans-friendly roommates, search [Your City] Queer Exchange on Facebook and join the group. There are frequent "I need a roommate" postings. The LGBT group at your local university can probably help too.
I'd look up some resources for domestic violence survivors on how to avoid being tracked down, depending on how resourceful they are and persistent they'll be.
posted by AFABulous at 7:14 PM on August 21, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'd look up some resources for domestic violence survivors on how to avoid being tracked down, depending on how resourceful they are and persistent they'll be.
posted by AFABulous at 7:14 PM on August 21, 2016 [3 favorites]
Wait! Scour your privacy settings on FB before you join a group like that, or it will show up on your timeline and/or page.
posted by AFABulous at 7:18 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by AFABulous at 7:18 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
If they are already shunning your brother, is it possible he would be an ally for you?
posted by the agents of KAOS at 7:30 PM on August 21, 2016
posted by the agents of KAOS at 7:30 PM on August 21, 2016
Best answer: I just didn't expect to be so bowled over emotionally when I've been preparing for this for years. And I didn't expect to feel guilty or selfish.
To address this specifically: yeah, this happens and it's startling, but it doesn't meeeeean anything necessarily as far as what you should do or your more rational assessments of the situation. Big decisions are big decisions, they come with inner turmoil or they wouldn't be big. At 23, you haven't had many opportunities to make big decisions, or to make decisions as an old enough human to really comprehend that a choice you make for yourself may change someone else's options, which is what happens when you have to tell your parents that everything they know is wrong. (Again.)
This is going to hurt and it is going to be hard. Repeatedly. That doesn't mean, however, that you shouldn't do it.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:34 PM on August 21, 2016 [6 favorites]
To address this specifically: yeah, this happens and it's startling, but it doesn't meeeeean anything necessarily as far as what you should do or your more rational assessments of the situation. Big decisions are big decisions, they come with inner turmoil or they wouldn't be big. At 23, you haven't had many opportunities to make big decisions, or to make decisions as an old enough human to really comprehend that a choice you make for yourself may change someone else's options, which is what happens when you have to tell your parents that everything they know is wrong. (Again.)
This is going to hurt and it is going to be hard. Repeatedly. That doesn't mean, however, that you shouldn't do it.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:34 PM on August 21, 2016 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: And lol, sorry. After calming down and re-reading my posts I can see how it is so confusing and melodramatic.
I didnt really think the fact that a trans woman might not want to live with Jehovahs Witnesses would be in question, haha. Right now I survive by hiding literally everything from them. Yes, it's stable as long as they don't find out, but I'm practically living in a totalitarian state. You don't escape North Korea by explaining your travel itinerary.
I am not baptized, which is why they've been fairly permissive of my lack of interest: they think I'll come crawling back after failing on my own. But anything LGBT related is like super-sin, and pretty much qualifies me as Satan herself and definitely eligible for shunning. I have definitely been around the block with ex-JW groups, and I've sort of grown past them. Most still focus on tearing down every aspect of the beliefs and organization. I'd rather move on.
My brother knows I'm trans and is somewhat accepting. Living with him is an option but not ideal, because it still limits my gender expression.
posted by Flower Grower at 7:35 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
I didnt really think the fact that a trans woman might not want to live with Jehovahs Witnesses would be in question, haha. Right now I survive by hiding literally everything from them. Yes, it's stable as long as they don't find out, but I'm practically living in a totalitarian state. You don't escape North Korea by explaining your travel itinerary.
I am not baptized, which is why they've been fairly permissive of my lack of interest: they think I'll come crawling back after failing on my own. But anything LGBT related is like super-sin, and pretty much qualifies me as Satan herself and definitely eligible for shunning. I have definitely been around the block with ex-JW groups, and I've sort of grown past them. Most still focus on tearing down every aspect of the beliefs and organization. I'd rather move on.
My brother knows I'm trans and is somewhat accepting. Living with him is an option but not ideal, because it still limits my gender expression.
posted by Flower Grower at 7:35 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
For roommates, my city has a Facebook group called "queer [city] housing" where people post specifically post house openings or looking for roommate notices. (We also have a separate queer exchange group of the type afabulous mentioned.) Maybe see if the place you want to move has one of those groups. If you happen to be looking to move where I am (see profile), memail me and I can get you into the local Facebook queer network.
posted by ActionPopulated at 7:36 PM on August 21, 2016
posted by ActionPopulated at 7:36 PM on August 21, 2016
Could you move in with your brother now, as a stopgap until you find a good setup for yourself? It would both get you out sooner, and create an intermediate stop where you could live when you come out to your parents so that if you end up needing to hide your permanent address for your own safety, you'll be able to figure that out before you move.
If you've never lived with a roommate before, you'll want to take your time finding the right situation. But I totally understand why you don't feel like you have the time right now, why the urgency is there. So can you ask your brother if you can crash with him for a few weeks, starting as soon as possible?
posted by decathecting at 9:07 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you've never lived with a roommate before, you'll want to take your time finding the right situation. But I totally understand why you don't feel like you have the time right now, why the urgency is there. So can you ask your brother if you can crash with him for a few weeks, starting as soon as possible?
posted by decathecting at 9:07 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: OP, it sounds like your situation is complicated in ways that some of us here (myself included) can't totally grasp, due to what you describe as a cult-like situation and a lot of emotional manipulation and other stuff. But I still don't know that you need to immediately cut all ties as part of moving out. Do your parents really need to know the details about your new roommates? Maybe you could move a few cities away and then "just happen" to neglect to tell your folks your new address. Or maybe you could move in with your brother just for a little bit, then move someplace else and not immediately tell your folks you relocated. Perhaps you could make it seem like your new roommates were just the luck of the draw, and use that as a way to get your folks thinking about these issues. (You are friendly with these people, so your folks will just have to accept them too.) Those ideas aren't ideal, but they may buy you some time to start this new chapter of your life while minimizing the parental drama.
I can hardly imagine what you're going through. But you have to do be true to yourself, and it's up to your parents how much they want to torture themselves about you doing what you have to do to be happy. It is absolutely not wrong to move out, or come out. Never forget that, no matter what happens. All you're doing is starting your life as your true self. That's a thing to celebrate, not mourn.
Stop listening to maudlin over dramatic music.
Not really the time or place to be casting out trollbait about Lennon/McCartney, dude. But I would agree that if the OP is already feeling weird and guilty about moving out, listening to She's Leaving Home is just about the worst thing she could do for herself. I haven't lived with my folks for decades and they'd probably be kind of appalled if I moved back in now, but that song makes me feel like I abandoned them by moving away. They struggled hard all their lives to get by!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:14 PM on August 21, 2016 [7 favorites]
I can hardly imagine what you're going through. But you have to do be true to yourself, and it's up to your parents how much they want to torture themselves about you doing what you have to do to be happy. It is absolutely not wrong to move out, or come out. Never forget that, no matter what happens. All you're doing is starting your life as your true self. That's a thing to celebrate, not mourn.
Stop listening to maudlin over dramatic music.
Not really the time or place to be casting out trollbait about Lennon/McCartney, dude. But I would agree that if the OP is already feeling weird and guilty about moving out, listening to She's Leaving Home is just about the worst thing she could do for herself. I haven't lived with my folks for decades and they'd probably be kind of appalled if I moved back in now, but that song makes me feel like I abandoned them by moving away. They struggled hard all their lives to get by!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:14 PM on August 21, 2016 [7 favorites]
You are 23. You moving out will not be shocking to them. It's not something that you need to hide or do on the sly. Young adults pretty much all want to move out of home and have some independence. Your moving out, in and of itself, will not seem unusual.
Your coming out as trans may be shocking to them - you seem fairly convinced that it will be. But there's no reason you have to come out before you move, and it will be much, much easier for you and them if you come out after you do it.
I've mentioned my desire to move out sometime soonish, but kept things very vague. All they've said is they don't want me to rush and be destitute.
Great! So, find a place, tell them you're moving out, pack up your stuff in a leisurely and orderly fashion, and move - you can do this all above board, no secrecy required.
It's also really difficult because there's every possibility I will never see them again.
If that happens, it will be their choice, and not yours. You won't have any meaningful control over that, so there's no point worrying about it.
Leave open the possibility of contact or disconnect completely?
I would argue that there is no downside to leaving open the option of contact, unless they become abusive. You are at least giving them a chance to accept you. Then you can block them until (if?) they calm down. And you can always reach out yourself. But ultimately, do what you need to do to feel safe.
This will likely be a difficult time for you. Make it as easy for yourself as possible. There is literally no reason for you to deal with the upheaval of moving (in secrecy, no less) and coming out at the same time.
Please convince me I'm doing the right thing :/
This isn't even in question. You are doing what you need to do to be yourself. Moving out is 100% the right thing to do.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 11:06 PM on August 21, 2016
Your coming out as trans may be shocking to them - you seem fairly convinced that it will be. But there's no reason you have to come out before you move, and it will be much, much easier for you and them if you come out after you do it.
I've mentioned my desire to move out sometime soonish, but kept things very vague. All they've said is they don't want me to rush and be destitute.
Great! So, find a place, tell them you're moving out, pack up your stuff in a leisurely and orderly fashion, and move - you can do this all above board, no secrecy required.
It's also really difficult because there's every possibility I will never see them again.
If that happens, it will be their choice, and not yours. You won't have any meaningful control over that, so there's no point worrying about it.
Leave open the possibility of contact or disconnect completely?
I would argue that there is no downside to leaving open the option of contact, unless they become abusive. You are at least giving them a chance to accept you. Then you can block them until (if?) they calm down. And you can always reach out yourself. But ultimately, do what you need to do to feel safe.
This will likely be a difficult time for you. Make it as easy for yourself as possible. There is literally no reason for you to deal with the upheaval of moving (in secrecy, no less) and coming out at the same time.
Please convince me I'm doing the right thing :/
This isn't even in question. You are doing what you need to do to be yourself. Moving out is 100% the right thing to do.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 11:06 PM on August 21, 2016
To clarify: at my budget, I'm going to have to find roommates or rent a sublet. And I am adamant on finding other queer roommates/trans friendly renters. I don't really see any way to be open about when I am moving out while hiding everything about the place I'm moving to (including the address, because I may need that safety).
Okay, so - are you saying that you don't want them to know where you're living at all? Or do you just not want them to know who you're living with? Or what?
Like, if you go to them and say "I'm moving in with some roommates this weekend. I just wanted to let you know. You don't need to worry about me." What will they do? Are they the type to say "ok" to that? Or are they going to try to get info out of you and refuse that you leave unless they tell you where and with who? Or will they show up at the place or follow you?
These are varying degrees and my recommendation somewhat depends on that.
If they will just interrogate you about it - just keep your own answers vague. "Moving in with Bob, he's cool. It's a nice place." End of discussion. If they want to know where it is say, "you know, I'm just wanting to start being a bit more independent and would rather keep my address private." If they ask "is Bob gay?" just say "I dunno, doesn't concern me." Also, I think this is a totally okay time to just lie and say you're living with a same-gendered (according to what they would deem as same gender) roommate or even NO roommates.
They only get information that you choose to share with them. You are the gatekeeper of this information.
Now, if they're the type to NOT let you do that or you can't keep a secret from them or lie to them for whatever reason, or they'd follow you or otherwise try to find out the information or you otherwise feel unsafe letting them know in advance that you're leaving - then yes. I vote for packing your stuff and leaving unannounced. People have posted some good resources for leaving a situation like this. It's not something I've had to do so I can't be more help there - other than that there are people out there to help you.
And I do understand not wanting them to know where you live. I have family that I wouldn't hesitate to call the police on if they were to show up. (Also religious issues but more than that.) But I think we're just sorta missing the info on this from your post as to which situation this is. Especially since you said they seemed somewhat okay with you moving.
So step one is moving. Figure out your plan. At bare minimum don't tell them anything until you have a place to go and are pretty much packed up (or all the way packed up.) It's pretty easy to quietly pack stuff slowly in a closet into If you feel it's the situation where you'd want to just leave.
Then, you'll need to see how moving/telling them about moving/not telling them about moving all goes. Then you'll have an idea of coming out to them and how to do that. If they're already going to shun you for moving then drop them an email or something if it's important to you that they know about your life. Or you could even decide that it's not important for them to know. Or something else.
But start with situation 1: Moving. Don't blow it all up with drama when the priority just needs to be moving, with the least drama as possible to get you into a safe place.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:40 PM on August 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
Okay, so - are you saying that you don't want them to know where you're living at all? Or do you just not want them to know who you're living with? Or what?
Like, if you go to them and say "I'm moving in with some roommates this weekend. I just wanted to let you know. You don't need to worry about me." What will they do? Are they the type to say "ok" to that? Or are they going to try to get info out of you and refuse that you leave unless they tell you where and with who? Or will they show up at the place or follow you?
These are varying degrees and my recommendation somewhat depends on that.
If they will just interrogate you about it - just keep your own answers vague. "Moving in with Bob, he's cool. It's a nice place." End of discussion. If they want to know where it is say, "you know, I'm just wanting to start being a bit more independent and would rather keep my address private." If they ask "is Bob gay?" just say "I dunno, doesn't concern me." Also, I think this is a totally okay time to just lie and say you're living with a same-gendered (according to what they would deem as same gender) roommate or even NO roommates.
They only get information that you choose to share with them. You are the gatekeeper of this information.
Now, if they're the type to NOT let you do that or you can't keep a secret from them or lie to them for whatever reason, or they'd follow you or otherwise try to find out the information or you otherwise feel unsafe letting them know in advance that you're leaving - then yes. I vote for packing your stuff and leaving unannounced. People have posted some good resources for leaving a situation like this. It's not something I've had to do so I can't be more help there - other than that there are people out there to help you.
And I do understand not wanting them to know where you live. I have family that I wouldn't hesitate to call the police on if they were to show up. (Also religious issues but more than that.) But I think we're just sorta missing the info on this from your post as to which situation this is. Especially since you said they seemed somewhat okay with you moving.
So step one is moving. Figure out your plan. At bare minimum don't tell them anything until you have a place to go and are pretty much packed up (or all the way packed up.) It's pretty easy to quietly pack stuff slowly in a closet into If you feel it's the situation where you'd want to just leave.
Then, you'll need to see how moving/telling them about moving/not telling them about moving all goes. Then you'll have an idea of coming out to them and how to do that. If they're already going to shun you for moving then drop them an email or something if it's important to you that they know about your life. Or you could even decide that it's not important for them to know. Or something else.
But start with situation 1: Moving. Don't blow it all up with drama when the priority just needs to be moving, with the least drama as possible to get you into a safe place.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:40 PM on August 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
You're 23. Just move out. Like, just get an apartment/roommates/what have you and physically stop living with your parents.
It doesn't sound like it's going to be a shock to them. It sounds like they expect you'll go off and be an adult on your own soon, but don't want you to feel forced to or do it before you're financially ready.
It's really hard from this question to know whether you are worried about coming out to them/transitioning openly, or whether you are worried about physically not living with them anymore. Because you really only talk about the latter in your question until you get to the part where you're worried you'll never see them again.
Could you divorce the two big life changes a bit? Move out and THEN come out to them or start transitioning more openly? I don't think they're going to assume "kid moves out" equals "kid has a gender identity issue I strongly disagree with" unless you make it about that. If you do it this way, you won't have to "escape" or have everything lined up so precisely. Just, like, "Mom, Dad, I finally found a roommate and it looks like I can move in there on October 1!" or whatever. Then at Thanksgiving (or what have you, I came out at Thanksgiving so it feels like the classic choice to me) you can come out, or talk openly about what's up with you, or whatever feels right.
You also really, seriously don't have to frame moving out of your parents' house at age 23 as some big scary rebellious act your parents are not going to understand. This is a highly normal thing to do, even in conservative families. Especially if your parents still gender you as male (I can see it being a more uphill battle moving out as a woman with religious parents, since they might expect you to live at home till you get married, which, lol).
posted by Sara C. at 12:42 AM on August 22, 2016
It doesn't sound like it's going to be a shock to them. It sounds like they expect you'll go off and be an adult on your own soon, but don't want you to feel forced to or do it before you're financially ready.
It's really hard from this question to know whether you are worried about coming out to them/transitioning openly, or whether you are worried about physically not living with them anymore. Because you really only talk about the latter in your question until you get to the part where you're worried you'll never see them again.
Could you divorce the two big life changes a bit? Move out and THEN come out to them or start transitioning more openly? I don't think they're going to assume "kid moves out" equals "kid has a gender identity issue I strongly disagree with" unless you make it about that. If you do it this way, you won't have to "escape" or have everything lined up so precisely. Just, like, "Mom, Dad, I finally found a roommate and it looks like I can move in there on October 1!" or whatever. Then at Thanksgiving (or what have you, I came out at Thanksgiving so it feels like the classic choice to me) you can come out, or talk openly about what's up with you, or whatever feels right.
You also really, seriously don't have to frame moving out of your parents' house at age 23 as some big scary rebellious act your parents are not going to understand. This is a highly normal thing to do, even in conservative families. Especially if your parents still gender you as male (I can see it being a more uphill battle moving out as a woman with religious parents, since they might expect you to live at home till you get married, which, lol).
posted by Sara C. at 12:42 AM on August 22, 2016
Response by poster: As far as my parents being shocked:
Moving out before marriage is pretty unusual for most JWs I know, actually, male or female. This is the sort of religion where going to college isn't allowed because you would be out of your parents grasp and living with non-witnesses.
Being unbaptized, I have a tiny bit more leeway. But living with women, queer folks,... is still a non-starter. And if I was baptized they would just be commanded to shun me. Unbaptized, they are allowed to harass me as much as they want.
They know I am planning on moving out but I have been intentionally vague about when. I've said probably before the end of the year. I am looking at a few different options and putting some things in place but staying ready to swoop in on whatever living situation looks best. That is why it will be sudden. I'm patiently shopping around for the best deal—so it really isn't a frantic escape for me. The problem is I don't want to hesitate on a great deal because of guilt.
Yes, they will interrogate me and follow me. The thing is, they will do it in a nice way, with tones of concern for me and my safety. But our relationship is completely dependent on them believing they have complete control over me. JWs are very heirarchical—God commands Jesus, Jesus commands the elders, the elders command men, husbands command wives, and parents command children.
I want to separate completely because I know how witness parents operate. Right now we have a cease-fire agreement. They don't preach to me as long as I don't rustle their feathers or state any of my opinions. As soon as I do, the will dig their claws in and hit me with every emotional attack they have. Constant calls from every member of the family (forgot to mention, almost everyone in my extended family are lifelong JWs too) telling me I am tearing the family apart, the stress is killing my grandparents, everyone at church is asking them questions and gossiping, nobody will talk to them, the stress is killing them, they can't eat/sleep/work... And after they figure out I know their game, they will get vindictive and really start trying to hurt me. They have done all of this with my brother simply for moving in with his girlfriend (and he had already been living on his own, even). If they know where I live they will send elders (clergy) to hound me and harass me (with a friendly "I just want to help you" face). JWs are basically a vast network of spies. Everyone knows everyone and LOVES to gossip. I don't want to move out and be looking over my shoulder every moment, even if I don't fear physical abuse.
Moving in with my brother is the nuclear option. He's officially shunned (disfellowshipped) so there's supposed to be zero contact. Much worse in their eyes than someone who just isn't a witness.
I guess I seriously misrepresented my intentions here. I'm not fleeing or jumping into a situation without being prepared. I have been very calculated and very very patient. And I am continuing to be patient until I find something perfect, but once I find that I don't want to waste any time and miss out. I have been planning and saving for years. It's just all been in my head until now, and the sudden realness of my situation has been fucking with my emotions.
posted by Flower Grower at 5:00 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Moving out before marriage is pretty unusual for most JWs I know, actually, male or female. This is the sort of religion where going to college isn't allowed because you would be out of your parents grasp and living with non-witnesses.
Being unbaptized, I have a tiny bit more leeway. But living with women, queer folks,... is still a non-starter. And if I was baptized they would just be commanded to shun me. Unbaptized, they are allowed to harass me as much as they want.
They know I am planning on moving out but I have been intentionally vague about when. I've said probably before the end of the year. I am looking at a few different options and putting some things in place but staying ready to swoop in on whatever living situation looks best. That is why it will be sudden. I'm patiently shopping around for the best deal—so it really isn't a frantic escape for me. The problem is I don't want to hesitate on a great deal because of guilt.
Yes, they will interrogate me and follow me. The thing is, they will do it in a nice way, with tones of concern for me and my safety. But our relationship is completely dependent on them believing they have complete control over me. JWs are very heirarchical—God commands Jesus, Jesus commands the elders, the elders command men, husbands command wives, and parents command children.
I want to separate completely because I know how witness parents operate. Right now we have a cease-fire agreement. They don't preach to me as long as I don't rustle their feathers or state any of my opinions. As soon as I do, the will dig their claws in and hit me with every emotional attack they have. Constant calls from every member of the family (forgot to mention, almost everyone in my extended family are lifelong JWs too) telling me I am tearing the family apart, the stress is killing my grandparents, everyone at church is asking them questions and gossiping, nobody will talk to them, the stress is killing them, they can't eat/sleep/work... And after they figure out I know their game, they will get vindictive and really start trying to hurt me. They have done all of this with my brother simply for moving in with his girlfriend (and he had already been living on his own, even). If they know where I live they will send elders (clergy) to hound me and harass me (with a friendly "I just want to help you" face). JWs are basically a vast network of spies. Everyone knows everyone and LOVES to gossip. I don't want to move out and be looking over my shoulder every moment, even if I don't fear physical abuse.
Moving in with my brother is the nuclear option. He's officially shunned (disfellowshipped) so there's supposed to be zero contact. Much worse in their eyes than someone who just isn't a witness.
I guess I seriously misrepresented my intentions here. I'm not fleeing or jumping into a situation without being prepared. I have been very calculated and very very patient. And I am continuing to be patient until I find something perfect, but once I find that I don't want to waste any time and miss out. I have been planning and saving for years. It's just all been in my head until now, and the sudden realness of my situation has been fucking with my emotions.
posted by Flower Grower at 5:00 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I know that our local LGBT youth center in Charlotte, NC helps "youth" up to ages 22-23 (and are generally pretty flexible if they seem someone really trying and not just floating on their assistance. Perhaps a local LGBTQ "youth organization" may be able to help you out?
Also homelessness rates in the trans community are extremely high- perhaps there's another local organization that could be of help? (Trans support group, homelessness program, youth center?)
posted by raccoon409 at 6:30 AM on August 22, 2016
Also homelessness rates in the trans community are extremely high- perhaps there's another local organization that could be of help? (Trans support group, homelessness program, youth center?)
posted by raccoon409 at 6:30 AM on August 22, 2016
Best answer: Lots of good advice here. I agree on waiting to come out. Don't put yourself through that conversation. Leave a letter to say you've moved out and will write soon, and disappear. Get settled. Work on that letter with a little more perspective. Then come out after a month or two in that letter. You'll need a PO Box (perhaps this is an LGBTQ resource?). I say word it in such a way that maybe, if/when you write again in six months, you will be willing to meet them in a public place with certain conditions. You can decide more what's right for you after you're settled into your new life.
On a strictly practical note: get packing. Use any time that you have in the house without your parents there to pack a box or two. Have your brother hold them for you. Is there any documentation you need to copy? Birth certificate, car stuff, or even special photos? Consider how you'll make this happen. Use a scan-to-PDF app on a smartphone and snap images of them. As you get closer to leaving, make it so a large duffel or backpack is all you need.
Really develop your network, and let them all know what's pending. When you make the leap, if emotional chaos hits, they will be the most prepared to help. Are you, or will you be, in a place where you can make an initial appointment with a therapist? Develop those connections just as vigorously as you look for housing, so when you move the rest will be in place.
Also, do your parents know where you work? Can you come out to your boss so you have an ally there? Good luck, absolutely doing the right thing. Get out of there. All the best to you.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 6:32 AM on August 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
On a strictly practical note: get packing. Use any time that you have in the house without your parents there to pack a box or two. Have your brother hold them for you. Is there any documentation you need to copy? Birth certificate, car stuff, or even special photos? Consider how you'll make this happen. Use a scan-to-PDF app on a smartphone and snap images of them. As you get closer to leaving, make it so a large duffel or backpack is all you need.
Really develop your network, and let them all know what's pending. When you make the leap, if emotional chaos hits, they will be the most prepared to help. Are you, or will you be, in a place where you can make an initial appointment with a therapist? Develop those connections just as vigorously as you look for housing, so when you move the rest will be in place.
Also, do your parents know where you work? Can you come out to your boss so you have an ally there? Good luck, absolutely doing the right thing. Get out of there. All the best to you.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 6:32 AM on August 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
Wow, ok... your situation is unique in that if it weren't for (two) oppressive ideologies, and the real risk of ongoing harassment that results from one of them, you and your parents could probably get along fine... it doesn't sound like you have a lot of personal animus against them (which if it existed, might make this easier to cope with). You're not that angry at them, by the sounds of things, it's their belief system... I don't know, but my impression is that most people who cut ties are angry enough that it outweighs other feelings contributing to ambivalence. If you don't feel that kind of anger, what do you do? I think, you focus on the fact that as things stand, you have to do this in order to live in a way that's bearable. And focus on building your life. And grieve the loss of family, when you need to. Maybe, with others who can understand.
I also don't know how to process this emotionally.
I have definitely been around the block with ex-JW groups, and I've sort of grown past them. Most still focus on tearing down every aspect of the beliefs and organization. I'd rather move on.
There must be other ex Jehovah's Witnesses who feel the same way you do, and have relevant insights or coping techniques they'd be willing to share. Or, could you dip into conversations for support with some who are still railing, and then dip back out again when it's too much?
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:28 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I also don't know how to process this emotionally.
I have definitely been around the block with ex-JW groups, and I've sort of grown past them. Most still focus on tearing down every aspect of the beliefs and organization. I'd rather move on.
There must be other ex Jehovah's Witnesses who feel the same way you do, and have relevant insights or coping techniques they'd be willing to share. Or, could you dip into conversations for support with some who are still railing, and then dip back out again when it's too much?
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:28 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I can't offer much advice about how to get out--although I'm not trans, I grew up in a very similar environment as you, except the abuse was both emotional and physical, and didn't get out until I was 27. I was disowned and years later, still no one talks to me. It sucked at first, but at this point I don't care very much. I have a great husband and friends and a good job. Life is pretty decent!
What I will say in terms of advice though, is to see a therapist. Escaping was very scary and stressful and traumatizing and I ended up with PTSD. I did see a therapist right after leaving, which was helpful, but then took a 7 month break from therapy because of moving, etc. Don't take a 7 month break when you have PTSD. I don't recommend it. I am back in therapy and it's been super helpful. I don't feel enormous amounts of guilt, I don't cry everyday, I don't have nightmares anymore.
So, once you're out, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Don't let anything get in the way of that. I did and I really regret it because I endured a lot more pain than I should have (and probably was not the best person for my husband to be around either.)
You're really brave! This will be super scary, but your freedom is worth it. Best of luck.
posted by galaxypeachtea at 8:39 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
What I will say in terms of advice though, is to see a therapist. Escaping was very scary and stressful and traumatizing and I ended up with PTSD. I did see a therapist right after leaving, which was helpful, but then took a 7 month break from therapy because of moving, etc. Don't take a 7 month break when you have PTSD. I don't recommend it. I am back in therapy and it's been super helpful. I don't feel enormous amounts of guilt, I don't cry everyday, I don't have nightmares anymore.
So, once you're out, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Don't let anything get in the way of that. I did and I really regret it because I endured a lot more pain than I should have (and probably was not the best person for my husband to be around either.)
You're really brave! This will be super scary, but your freedom is worth it. Best of luck.
posted by galaxypeachtea at 8:39 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: An extremely high priority should be taking your important documents with you, such as birth certificate and social security card and banking stuff, assuming you have an account, and your ID. If your parents are extremely controlling of items like your birth certificate, have your backpack of essentials ready to go and a place to crash short term lined up. If you have some reason for accessing your documents, the day they hand them over, leave.
If you already have access to your important papers, consider getting a safe deposit box and securing them so that you will retain access to them even if this does turn into sudden drama. Having them in a safe deposit box would also be good insurance in case you do wind up homeless. Documents are a big issue on the street. It is a burden to carry them around and they are at high risk of being lost, stolen or ruined (such as from a rain storm). Replacing them while homeless is an enormous pain, at best.
You could also get a virtual mailing address. This would give you a street address to give your parents for staying in contact. I would give them the address and not mention that it is a virtual address. I would just say "If you need to contact me, here is my mailing address" or "You can send mail here." A virtual address is also a nice thing to have if you do end up homeless. Life on the street is vastly easier if you have a cell phone number, a mailing address and your identification/other important documents. It makes it a great deal easier to job hunt, get assistance and just a million other things that can be mind bogglingly hard while homeless.
After documentation and IDs and your bank card, your second priority should be essential medication, including your HRT, and any portable computing devices you have, such as a laptop, tablet or smartphone. These items should be secured in a bag with, preferably, at least one change of clothes.
Be prepared to take only the essentials. More clothes is better, but furniture, mementos, etc, are all optional. If you can pack things up and move them out in a five hour window, great! If not, take your important papers and the like, your medications and other essentials, and just go.
If you need to destroy papers or something like that to protect yourself, do so. But beyond the consideration of information security, when you leave, if you can't take it with you, just leave it behind. Don't make any effort to trash things or clean up or something. Whatever you do not want or cannot take, it is their problem as to what to do with it. They can sell it, trash it, keep it, whatever. Not your problem.
Bedding would be great to take. You can sleep on the floor in an apartment, but you need some bedding. So if you can take more than the absolute minimum essentials because you have a five hour window, bedding, towels, cookware and dishes are incredibly useful for setting up a new house.
See if you can line up an option like couch surfing or a cheap AirBnB. Do the research and see if you can arrange a place to go very suddenly that may be a temporary accommodation until you can arrange roommates, etc.
Once you have sorted out the logistics of how to get the essentials out with you, you need to leave. Do not stall by telling yourself "It would be so much easier if I could also arrange (some additional condition)." You need to view this like military operation or surgical strike. When you can tick off some short list of essentials, the mission is a go. Trying to arrange more than that may cause the entire thing to fall apart. They may figure you are up to something, notice the changes from HRT or whatever and actively sabotage you. So you need to go as soon as that is not suicidally stupid.
I helped a young trans person escape similar circumstances. They left with a backpack, including their laptop, the day they had possession of their birth certificate. Get your documents, your meds, your computers and get the hell out of dodge.
I also would not count on having five hours to move out. Assume that if anything can go wrong, it will. This may be the one day of the entire year that one of them comes home from work early for some reason. Be gone in under two hours, if at all possible.
Best.
posted by Michele in California at 10:33 AM on August 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
If you already have access to your important papers, consider getting a safe deposit box and securing them so that you will retain access to them even if this does turn into sudden drama. Having them in a safe deposit box would also be good insurance in case you do wind up homeless. Documents are a big issue on the street. It is a burden to carry them around and they are at high risk of being lost, stolen or ruined (such as from a rain storm). Replacing them while homeless is an enormous pain, at best.
You could also get a virtual mailing address. This would give you a street address to give your parents for staying in contact. I would give them the address and not mention that it is a virtual address. I would just say "If you need to contact me, here is my mailing address" or "You can send mail here." A virtual address is also a nice thing to have if you do end up homeless. Life on the street is vastly easier if you have a cell phone number, a mailing address and your identification/other important documents. It makes it a great deal easier to job hunt, get assistance and just a million other things that can be mind bogglingly hard while homeless.
After documentation and IDs and your bank card, your second priority should be essential medication, including your HRT, and any portable computing devices you have, such as a laptop, tablet or smartphone. These items should be secured in a bag with, preferably, at least one change of clothes.
Be prepared to take only the essentials. More clothes is better, but furniture, mementos, etc, are all optional. If you can pack things up and move them out in a five hour window, great! If not, take your important papers and the like, your medications and other essentials, and just go.
If you need to destroy papers or something like that to protect yourself, do so. But beyond the consideration of information security, when you leave, if you can't take it with you, just leave it behind. Don't make any effort to trash things or clean up or something. Whatever you do not want or cannot take, it is their problem as to what to do with it. They can sell it, trash it, keep it, whatever. Not your problem.
Bedding would be great to take. You can sleep on the floor in an apartment, but you need some bedding. So if you can take more than the absolute minimum essentials because you have a five hour window, bedding, towels, cookware and dishes are incredibly useful for setting up a new house.
See if you can line up an option like couch surfing or a cheap AirBnB. Do the research and see if you can arrange a place to go very suddenly that may be a temporary accommodation until you can arrange roommates, etc.
Once you have sorted out the logistics of how to get the essentials out with you, you need to leave. Do not stall by telling yourself "It would be so much easier if I could also arrange (some additional condition)." You need to view this like military operation or surgical strike. When you can tick off some short list of essentials, the mission is a go. Trying to arrange more than that may cause the entire thing to fall apart. They may figure you are up to something, notice the changes from HRT or whatever and actively sabotage you. So you need to go as soon as that is not suicidally stupid.
I helped a young trans person escape similar circumstances. They left with a backpack, including their laptop, the day they had possession of their birth certificate. Get your documents, your meds, your computers and get the hell out of dodge.
I also would not count on having five hours to move out. Assume that if anything can go wrong, it will. This may be the one day of the entire year that one of them comes home from work early for some reason. Be gone in under two hours, if at all possible.
Best.
posted by Michele in California at 10:33 AM on August 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: hey again!
I think almost all the answers here are from cis people. One thing they won't necessarily understand is that at six months on HRT, you are going through puberty right now. Again, I'm a trans guy, so I don't know exactly how it feels going the other way, but it's super duper common to have a roller-coaster of emotions as your body and brain adjust to the hormones. That's not to invalidate anything you're feeling, in fact the opposite - most likely the reason that everything feels SO INTENSE right now is that you have heightened levels of hormones that your body hasn't had years to get used to.
So don't listen to anyone who says you're being melodramatic or whatever by crying and listening to sad music. This is perfectly normal for an adolescent girl and perfectly normal for you.
posted by AFABulous at 7:50 PM on August 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
I think almost all the answers here are from cis people. One thing they won't necessarily understand is that at six months on HRT, you are going through puberty right now. Again, I'm a trans guy, so I don't know exactly how it feels going the other way, but it's super duper common to have a roller-coaster of emotions as your body and brain adjust to the hormones. That's not to invalidate anything you're feeling, in fact the opposite - most likely the reason that everything feels SO INTENSE right now is that you have heightened levels of hormones that your body hasn't had years to get used to.
So don't listen to anyone who says you're being melodramatic or whatever by crying and listening to sad music. This is perfectly normal for an adolescent girl and perfectly normal for you.
posted by AFABulous at 7:50 PM on August 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by radioamy at 6:00 PM on August 21, 2016 [32 favorites]