Difficulty reaching out after getting blasted.
June 1, 2017 7:51 AM Subscribe
A few months ago, a dear friend admitted that he loved me (it was not reciprocated and he knew it wouldn't be). He tried to go no-contact, failed, and instead sent me out-of-the-blue multi-paragraph messages about what a terrible person/friend I am and how boring and fake I am. (I cut off contact.) Since then, I've been afraid to contact friends to chill because of some of the things he said were about my fundamental unlikeability and how people merely tolerate me. How can I move on and/or improve my likeability?
It also hit a long-standing issue that I felt like I am a bother/burden and try not to reach out too much since I assume people don't want to hear from me. I was finally getting over that, and then... blammo.
It also hit a long-standing issue that I felt like I am a bother/burden and try not to reach out too much since I assume people don't want to hear from me. I was finally getting over that, and then... blammo.
Oh my God, he was out and out lying. "You hurt me so I am going to hurt you back." Please ignore what he said as ramblings. If you can't ignore it, this is a great reason to seek therapy.
posted by tooloudinhere at 8:09 AM on June 1, 2017 [31 favorites]
posted by tooloudinhere at 8:09 AM on June 1, 2017 [31 favorites]
Stuff like this is usually so much more about the other person's feelings than it actually is about you.
He said he loved you and you didn't reciprocate = presumably that hurt him. So he chose to hurt you as a way of dealing with being hurt himself.
In doing this, he is telling you more about himself, rather than telling you anything about you; assign the information as little emotional-weight-about-you as you can, keep being social, forget this jerk.
Like, seriously, "people" merely tolerate you? I assume he wasn't citing sources, that he didn't poll all your friends and they 100% agreed with his assessment before he decided to drop that one on you? He was making up a mean-spirited conspiracy to cover his own pain and rejection. Which is a shitty thing to do to you, but again, more about him than it is about you.
posted by terretu at 8:10 AM on June 1, 2017 [6 favorites]
He said he loved you and you didn't reciprocate = presumably that hurt him. So he chose to hurt you as a way of dealing with being hurt himself.
In doing this, he is telling you more about himself, rather than telling you anything about you; assign the information as little emotional-weight-about-you as you can, keep being social, forget this jerk.
Like, seriously, "people" merely tolerate you? I assume he wasn't citing sources, that he didn't poll all your friends and they 100% agreed with his assessment before he decided to drop that one on you? He was making up a mean-spirited conspiracy to cover his own pain and rejection. Which is a shitty thing to do to you, but again, more about him than it is about you.
posted by terretu at 8:10 AM on June 1, 2017 [6 favorites]
This is absolutely classic, how many times have you seen message threads online where a guy goes from asking a girl out or complimenting her to calling her a fat, ugly slut when his advances aren't welcomed? Its like douchebag 101. Ignore it, get on with your life and don't give this guy a second thought
posted by missmagenta at 8:11 AM on June 1, 2017 [73 favorites]
posted by missmagenta at 8:11 AM on June 1, 2017 [73 favorites]
This is how men punish people when they don't get what they want. He knew this was a button he could push.
Do work on these feelings, you can start with The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, which is sort of a 101 for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and you can take the workbook with you as you start working with a therapist.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:12 AM on June 1, 2017 [12 favorites]
Do work on these feelings, you can start with The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, which is sort of a 101 for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and you can take the workbook with you as you start working with a therapist.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:12 AM on June 1, 2017 [12 favorites]
Angry men who send you long rants about how awful you are after you have romantically rejected them are not great truth-tellers giving you a brief window into how everyone secretly thinks of you. They're just assholes who are trying to hurt you however they can.
So I think the best way to move on is to try not to take anything he said seriously, and to try and trust that your friends are adults who can turn you down if/when they want, which also means believing them that they mean it when they say yes and want to do something together.
posted by colfax at 8:17 AM on June 1, 2017 [43 favorites]
So I think the best way to move on is to try not to take anything he said seriously, and to try and trust that your friends are adults who can turn you down if/when they want, which also means believing them that they mean it when they say yes and want to do something together.
posted by colfax at 8:17 AM on June 1, 2017 [43 favorites]
I just want to chime in to say ignore it. It's a thing that assholes do. I once rejected some completely random dude from OK Cupid and he sent me a rant about how I was lucky he was interested because I'm fat and that since he rejected me I'd be alone forever.
Please, please ignore what that guy said and don't read truth into it.
posted by hought20 at 8:20 AM on June 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
Please, please ignore what that guy said and don't read truth into it.
posted by hought20 at 8:20 AM on June 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
Consider contacting your safest friend and telling them what happened. Then tell another friend. And another. Your friends will be HAPPY to help you understand that he is a manipulative asshole.
These sorts of lies thrive in darkness. Take them out into the light to kill them off.
posted by mcduff at 8:22 AM on June 1, 2017 [17 favorites]
These sorts of lies thrive in darkness. Take them out into the light to kill them off.
posted by mcduff at 8:22 AM on June 1, 2017 [17 favorites]
A few months ago, a dear friend a man who had been trying to groom you, and failed.
This person is beneath contempt. If you showed the slightest interest in him, he would take it all back. Everything he ever said was in service of his own ego -- at first acquiring you as a possession, and after you made it clear that you were not his possession, he had to assure himself that you were not worthy of acquisition.
You are not a bother. You are not a burden. His opinion does not even rise to the level of "worthless". He. Doesn't. Matter.
posted by Etrigan at 8:25 AM on June 1, 2017 [27 favorites]
This person is beneath contempt. If you showed the slightest interest in him, he would take it all back. Everything he ever said was in service of his own ego -- at first acquiring you as a possession, and after you made it clear that you were not his possession, he had to assure himself that you were not worthy of acquisition.
You are not a bother. You are not a burden. His opinion does not even rise to the level of "worthless". He. Doesn't. Matter.
posted by Etrigan at 8:25 AM on June 1, 2017 [27 favorites]
This happened to me a few years ago with one of my oldest and best friends, who was having a difficult time with her mental health and lashed out at me, repeatedly, in the most painful way. Because she had been one of my closest friends for more than 20 years, the things she accused me of were a good fit with things I'm a bit insecure about, so it was pretty masterfully vicious. Sounds like you've been hit the same way.
In the months after that, I questioned all my friendships. Who, I wondered, was going to be the next one to reveal that she'd secretly been harboring these terrible thoughts about me? Of course, the answer turned out to be, "No one. No one was going to be the next one." But it was a real anxiety for me for awhile, because of the trauma of what had happened to me.
But all my other friendships were fine. It just took me awhile to be able to fully trust that again. So, I'd recommend that you be brave and reach out to your other friends; spend time with them; let time pass and enjoy your friends and let yourself get back on solid ground again.
posted by Orlop at 8:26 AM on June 1, 2017 [8 favorites]
In the months after that, I questioned all my friendships. Who, I wondered, was going to be the next one to reveal that she'd secretly been harboring these terrible thoughts about me? Of course, the answer turned out to be, "No one. No one was going to be the next one." But it was a real anxiety for me for awhile, because of the trauma of what had happened to me.
But all my other friendships were fine. It just took me awhile to be able to fully trust that again. So, I'd recommend that you be brave and reach out to your other friends; spend time with them; let time pass and enjoy your friends and let yourself get back on solid ground again.
posted by Orlop at 8:26 AM on June 1, 2017 [8 favorites]
Your likability has nothing to do with it. His reaction has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the fact that he sees lashing out as a perfectly acceptable response to rejection. Your insecurity about your likability was just a button for him to push, and a 'dear friend' wouldn't treat you that way. Good friends should lift you up, not drag you down so they can feel better about themselves.
He's not worthy of your time or attention; keep reaching out to the friends that you want in your life.
posted by supermassive at 8:40 AM on June 1, 2017
He's not worthy of your time or attention; keep reaching out to the friends that you want in your life.
posted by supermassive at 8:40 AM on June 1, 2017
Yep, this is no dear friend. This is somebody that didn't get what he wanted, had his ego hurt, and wants you to hurt now, too. Don't buy into that narrative.
If anything, you should respond with, "Wow! Sounds like you dodged a bullet when I rejected your advances then, bud!" and laugh.
posted by destructive cactus at 8:49 AM on June 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
If anything, you should respond with, "Wow! Sounds like you dodged a bullet when I rejected your advances then, bud!" and laugh.
posted by destructive cactus at 8:49 AM on June 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
This Yogi Bhajan quote has served me well recently:
'If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all."
posted by Sassyfras at 8:56 AM on June 1, 2017 [27 favorites]
'If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all."
posted by Sassyfras at 8:56 AM on June 1, 2017 [27 favorites]
There's no way he would even _know_ how other people see you.
posted by amtho at 9:03 AM on June 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by amtho at 9:03 AM on June 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
The more you like and respect yourself, even love yourself, the more that tends to be picked up by the people around you. Being artificially cheerful dosent really work, but the more you are at peace and enjoy your life, the more you are open to the hood, and the less assholes like "dear friend" show up to diahreeoa all over everything.
posted by Jacen at 9:27 AM on June 1, 2017
posted by Jacen at 9:27 AM on June 1, 2017
I think what you should take from this is that you're so likeable, even massive dickheads like you!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:28 AM on June 1, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:28 AM on June 1, 2017 [7 favorites]
My take is that this "dear friend" never really knew you or liked you for who you are in the first place. That would be more disconcerting to me personally than anything he's saying right now. I would be asking myself why I ever thought this guy really knew me or trusted him.
He's saying "I am the only one who liked you and no one else really likes you," but reality is just the opposite. Reality is "He is the only one who never really liked you for the person you are. Other more healthy and normal people certainly like you."
Realize this about him and his opinion won't seem indicative of any larger trend. It's just like, his opinion man.
posted by stockpuppet at 9:33 AM on June 1, 2017 [5 favorites]
He's saying "I am the only one who liked you and no one else really likes you," but reality is just the opposite. Reality is "He is the only one who never really liked you for the person you are. Other more healthy and normal people certainly like you."
Realize this about him and his opinion won't seem indicative of any larger trend. It's just like, his opinion man.
posted by stockpuppet at 9:33 AM on June 1, 2017 [5 favorites]
...I assume people don't want to hear from me. I was finally getting over that, and then... blammo.
This guy Failed to go no contact with you, he couldn't stand not hearing from you.
I don't say this to imply his approval is in any way relevant to your self-worth, you're clearly better off without him, but to emphasize the previously stated point: consider the source.
He either new what your sore spot was and deliberately went for it, or just took a lob at some fairly common insecurities (a lot of people don't want to be seen as boring, fake, or needy: possibly he's even projecting his own onto you). My experience is like stock puppets, usually the guys who pull this don't actually know you, they've projected something onto you.
To move on, think of that one friend who is the calm in the storm or the one who's great at always taking your side and call them up and say you need to vent. If that feels needy and causes you to freeze up, ask if you can take them out for coffee/make them dinner/whatever while you bend their ear (my friends and I will do this with each other. We're not buying time with each other so much as acknowledging and appreciating their emotional support). Vent, share a laugh over his idiocy, and then talk about your fun summer plans.
posted by ghost phoneme at 9:39 AM on June 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
This guy Failed to go no contact with you, he couldn't stand not hearing from you.
I don't say this to imply his approval is in any way relevant to your self-worth, you're clearly better off without him, but to emphasize the previously stated point: consider the source.
He either new what your sore spot was and deliberately went for it, or just took a lob at some fairly common insecurities (a lot of people don't want to be seen as boring, fake, or needy: possibly he's even projecting his own onto you). My experience is like stock puppets, usually the guys who pull this don't actually know you, they've projected something onto you.
To move on, think of that one friend who is the calm in the storm or the one who's great at always taking your side and call them up and say you need to vent. If that feels needy and causes you to freeze up, ask if you can take them out for coffee/make them dinner/whatever while you bend their ear (my friends and I will do this with each other. We're not buying time with each other so much as acknowledging and appreciating their emotional support). Vent, share a laugh over his idiocy, and then talk about your fun summer plans.
posted by ghost phoneme at 9:39 AM on June 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
He knew your weakness and exploited it to hurt you. People like this guy have radar for other people's vulnerable points, and use it to hurt and demoralize. Like you I have had problems with believing anything negative anyone said about me, thinking people did not like me etc. I have since realized, with therapy, that most of that is my own head and I have to ignore it and move forward. You do too. The guy is a creep, cut him out of your life, but do not retreat from your real friends.
posted by mermayd at 9:59 AM on June 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by mermayd at 9:59 AM on June 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
People who love you wish you well and want to see the best things happen for you, no matter how it may hurt them.
People who are insecure and feel rejected and powerless about the rejection lash out in any way they can to try to deflect their own pain by inflicting it on others.
In short, this is not about you.
posted by vignettist at 10:04 AM on June 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
People who are insecure and feel rejected and powerless about the rejection lash out in any way they can to try to deflect their own pain by inflicting it on others.
In short, this is not about you.
posted by vignettist at 10:04 AM on June 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
There was a recent thread on the Blue about the way that men retract / reverse their compliments if women appreciate them a little too much, and the discussion got into how men see compliments as a gift they have bestowed upon someone. This comment really brought the whole idea home.
He sees him telling you he loved you as creating value -- making you worth knowing, likeable, worthy -- and so when you spurned his gift, he had to reverse it and tear you down. So, while the idea is probably ridiculously difficult to internalize (I also suffer from the kind of social anxiety that makes me think I probably annoy people) his actual behaviour indicates quite precisely that you are not boring and fake and annoying. He's just saying you are to counteract the positive things he always thought about you, so he can fit you into his own pea-headed worldview now that you've spurned him.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:04 AM on June 1, 2017 [8 favorites]
He sees him telling you he loved you as creating value -- making you worth knowing, likeable, worthy -- and so when you spurned his gift, he had to reverse it and tear you down. So, while the idea is probably ridiculously difficult to internalize (I also suffer from the kind of social anxiety that makes me think I probably annoy people) his actual behaviour indicates quite precisely that you are not boring and fake and annoying. He's just saying you are to counteract the positive things he always thought about you, so he can fit you into his own pea-headed worldview now that you've spurned him.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:04 AM on June 1, 2017 [8 favorites]
This is such a classic case of sour grapes, it should be in a textbook! When I was younger, this type of a thing happened to me with such regularity that I started to recognize the phases so I could pull out before things got out of control (especially at work). People above pointed out some really good aspects re. grooming, never actually seeing you for who you are, and so on, so I just want to add one thing no one has picked up on yet. Your "friend" was thrashing about for the most hurtful thing he could say, and all he's come up with was that you are a fake and a bore? That's THE CLUE right there - those things are so generic as to be almost completely void of meaning, something gossipy preteen girls say when they want to trash someone but can't think of anything specific. You must be pretty awesome if that's the worst this dude could even come up with.
posted by rada at 10:09 AM on June 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by rada at 10:09 AM on June 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
It seems like you get that the guy was out of line, and you're able to contain that feeling and deal with it in a reasonable and level-headed way (you went no contact) but you can't contain the feeling that even though he was untrustworthy, his message contained some truth. That's why it is hard to set aside.
I actually agree that the message contains some truth and that is why it is so upsetting, but it's not about the way that other people see you; it's about how you see yourself. This person accurately identified that an insecurity of yours, and then he targeted it and used it to hurt you. That's a betrayal, and it's scary not just because it reflects your fears, but because it means that a hostile person was able to get close enough to you to be able to see something that you usually hide. When that happens, some of the discomfort that arises comes, I think, from the recognition that we did not defend ourselves sufficiently; we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable. It's like realizing a tarantula was crawling around in our house and we didn't know it. The impulse to close down can be really, really strong.
So, first, I'd just forgive yourself for feeling pretty thrown and bad for a while; time will help. Then, when you can, even though it will obviously go against your instincts, I'd find someone you trust a lot and show them the email. Not because you're asking them to issue a blanket assessment of your likability (that's not actually something they can assess) but because they'll be able to confirm for you that what the guy said was nasty and out of line, and you're right to feel hurt and betrayed. It's small, but I think it will help.
I'm sorry this happened! I'm glad that creepy tarantula is out of your life. Take care.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 10:24 AM on June 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
I actually agree that the message contains some truth and that is why it is so upsetting, but it's not about the way that other people see you; it's about how you see yourself. This person accurately identified that an insecurity of yours, and then he targeted it and used it to hurt you. That's a betrayal, and it's scary not just because it reflects your fears, but because it means that a hostile person was able to get close enough to you to be able to see something that you usually hide. When that happens, some of the discomfort that arises comes, I think, from the recognition that we did not defend ourselves sufficiently; we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable. It's like realizing a tarantula was crawling around in our house and we didn't know it. The impulse to close down can be really, really strong.
So, first, I'd just forgive yourself for feeling pretty thrown and bad for a while; time will help. Then, when you can, even though it will obviously go against your instincts, I'd find someone you trust a lot and show them the email. Not because you're asking them to issue a blanket assessment of your likability (that's not actually something they can assess) but because they'll be able to confirm for you that what the guy said was nasty and out of line, and you're right to feel hurt and betrayed. It's small, but I think it will help.
I'm sorry this happened! I'm glad that creepy tarantula is out of your life. Take care.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 10:24 AM on June 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
Take this as a sign that you need to raise your standards for "dear friends." That's about all the weight you should give it.
posted by praemunire at 10:30 AM on June 1, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 10:30 AM on June 1, 2017 [4 favorites]
You say he used to be a friend of yours- is it possible you told him about your worries over being a bother and a burden to those around you? If so, he indeed used against you what he already knew was one of your insecurities, in order to hurt you on a deeper level than a generic insult would have.
Years ago, I found myself in the same situation as yours- my friend was obviously not happy about it, but he never said anything remotely hurtful to me. For a while we didn't talk as much, but in time, as things cooled off, we resumed contacting each other as we did before. We're still friends to this day. That is to say that, whilst surely unpleasant, it is possible to react in a mature and civil way under the very same circumstances and that their behaviour is highly indicative of their nature as a person. This guy clearly wasn't/isn't a catch.
{Anedoctal, but I noticed that those who truly are bothering and burdening other people tend not to care about it at all.}
posted by opalshards at 10:46 AM on June 1, 2017
Years ago, I found myself in the same situation as yours- my friend was obviously not happy about it, but he never said anything remotely hurtful to me. For a while we didn't talk as much, but in time, as things cooled off, we resumed contacting each other as we did before. We're still friends to this day. That is to say that, whilst surely unpleasant, it is possible to react in a mature and civil way under the very same circumstances and that their behaviour is highly indicative of their nature as a person. This guy clearly wasn't/isn't a catch.
{Anedoctal, but I noticed that those who truly are bothering and burdening other people tend not to care about it at all.}
posted by opalshards at 10:46 AM on June 1, 2017
Yeah a boyfriend did this to me once and it hurt. Told me that he'd gotten to know the real me and it wasn't the nice person that he and everyone else thought I was. That he saw how I treated my family (we have a difficult relationship) and that I put on an act of being kind and caring but am actually just a faker.
It stung. I wondered if it was true. And then I remembered that he was heartbroken because I'd broken up with him and he still wanted to get back together. Why would he want to get back together with someone so unkind and uncaring?
I told my friends what he'd said and they set me straight. Don't let him rock your boat too much. Let your friends remind you who you are.
posted by Chrysalis at 4:47 PM on June 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
It stung. I wondered if it was true. And then I remembered that he was heartbroken because I'd broken up with him and he still wanted to get back together. Why would he want to get back together with someone so unkind and uncaring?
I told my friends what he'd said and they set me straight. Don't let him rock your boat too much. Let your friends remind you who you are.
posted by Chrysalis at 4:47 PM on June 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
The guy was in love with you. Clearly you are likeable! There is nothing remotely wrong with you except that you unfortunately attracted a douchebag. Which we've all done. This man is not a dear friend and what he's proven is that you were right to reject him. Your instincts are great. Laugh it off, block and move on. Eventually this will be a story that you'll roll your eyes and tell your friends about. Bullet dodged.
posted by Jubey at 5:05 PM on June 1, 2017
posted by Jubey at 5:05 PM on June 1, 2017
Angry men who send you long rants about how awful you are after you have romantically rejected them are not great truth-tellers giving you a brief window into how everyone secretly thinks of you. They're just assholes who are trying to hurt you however they can.
Came here to say the above and found Colfax had beaten me to it. This guy is an infant who didn't get what he wanted and said the meanest thing he could think of to "hurt you back." I'll bet many of your mutual acquaintances have had this jerk's number for some years.
Call up your best bud, go for a drink and tell them the pathetic story, have a good laugh at this jerk's expense, and toast to the fact that you dodged a big fat manchild-shaped bullet.
posted by rpfields at 6:13 PM on June 1, 2017
Came here to say the above and found Colfax had beaten me to it. This guy is an infant who didn't get what he wanted and said the meanest thing he could think of to "hurt you back." I'll bet many of your mutual acquaintances have had this jerk's number for some years.
Call up your best bud, go for a drink and tell them the pathetic story, have a good laugh at this jerk's expense, and toast to the fact that you dodged a big fat manchild-shaped bullet.
posted by rpfields at 6:13 PM on June 1, 2017
How could you trust ANYTHING he says at this point? "I love you so much I can't control myself!" And "you are unlikeable!" Are really, deeply incompatible statements. This is like a toddler yelling "I HATE YOU" because mom is busy talking to someone else when they want her attention. Give it the same laugh and eye roll you would for a toddler, and let it go.
posted by Lady Li at 7:09 PM on June 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Lady Li at 7:09 PM on June 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
If you are boring, fake, and just generally unlikable, how did he fall in love with you? Does he normally love fake, boring people? Or did he somehow only notice these negative traits after you told him "no"?
The contradiction there is what to focus on. At least one of those two parts is a lie. Most likely, both are lies - most likely, you have friends who value your company, AND he was never in love with you.
He decided you were "worthy" of his affections and he declared that to you. Once you made it clear you weren't accepting his "gift," he declared that you're not worthy of anyone's attention.
Whatever doubts you might have about your own value as a person and a friend, don't let him push you into making decisions based on those doubts. His ability to notice your sensitive spots is not the same as accurate evaluation of character.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 12:54 PM on June 2, 2017
The contradiction there is what to focus on. At least one of those two parts is a lie. Most likely, both are lies - most likely, you have friends who value your company, AND he was never in love with you.
He decided you were "worthy" of his affections and he declared that to you. Once you made it clear you weren't accepting his "gift," he declared that you're not worthy of anyone's attention.
Whatever doubts you might have about your own value as a person and a friend, don't let him push you into making decisions based on those doubts. His ability to notice your sensitive spots is not the same as accurate evaluation of character.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 12:54 PM on June 2, 2017
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He loved you, so obviously you aren't fundamentally unlikable-- his statements contradict each other. He's lashing out. He said that intentionally to touch a nerve.
Continue getting over your feelings of low self-esteem. Continue reaching out to those you want in your life. If there's stuff you want to work on, do that for yourself, but please take anything this person said with an enormous lick of salt.
posted by kapers at 7:58 AM on June 1, 2017 [55 favorites]