How do I get over my insecurities?
May 23, 2017 11:11 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend has been with a great many women before. We've been together for some time now. Unfortunately I'm a curious cat and (with his full knowledge) I've read past emails, etc. And the things he said to them haunt me. I wonder if there is some realistic way to get over this.
There were two women who sort of overlapped with our beginning, and whom he initially preferred over me. He was in a long-distance uncommitted relationship with one of them for three years before she left him. He lost interest in the other one after he knew her a little better. He's always romanced with multiple women, unable to commit, etc.
He slowly grew to love me, and now for the last two years he's been completely committed to me, he's stopped flirting with other women, and he's changed his behaviour in many ways to make me feel secure—I have very little to complain about. He says he's over all other women and romance, it's a waste of time and energy, and he just wants to invest in me.
And yet his past haunts me. I feel he was more passionate with the other two women. Both weren't real stable relationships where they actually built a life together, so there were messages about him fantasizing about making love, being passionately in love, etc. And there's no fantasy or mad craze in our relationship. I feel like the boring person he settled with, though he would say that isn't true at all.
Help me put it all in perspective. I WILL compare sometimes, even if I try not to, and I want to come out on top, not feel miserable when I do compare.
And, may I beg you to be kind, please? This is a sensitive subject.
There were two women who sort of overlapped with our beginning, and whom he initially preferred over me. He was in a long-distance uncommitted relationship with one of them for three years before she left him. He lost interest in the other one after he knew her a little better. He's always romanced with multiple women, unable to commit, etc.
He slowly grew to love me, and now for the last two years he's been completely committed to me, he's stopped flirting with other women, and he's changed his behaviour in many ways to make me feel secure—I have very little to complain about. He says he's over all other women and romance, it's a waste of time and energy, and he just wants to invest in me.
And yet his past haunts me. I feel he was more passionate with the other two women. Both weren't real stable relationships where they actually built a life together, so there were messages about him fantasizing about making love, being passionately in love, etc. And there's no fantasy or mad craze in our relationship. I feel like the boring person he settled with, though he would say that isn't true at all.
Help me put it all in perspective. I WILL compare sometimes, even if I try not to, and I want to come out on top, not feel miserable when I do compare.
And, may I beg you to be kind, please? This is a sensitive subject.
Best answer: Moving past passion plus instability, onto wanting to invest in a life with someone, is part of growing older and wiser. It's touching, and a sign of his growing maturity, that he previously couldn't commit to anyone and now only wants to invest in his relationship with you.
posted by salvia at 11:30 PM on May 23, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by salvia at 11:30 PM on May 23, 2017 [10 favorites]
Best answer: I struggle with some of this, and part of what has helped me a lot is to put my relationship in context, particularly with regards to maturity.
21-year-old me drove across the country to be with a man she barely knew. 31-year-old me is much, much, much more cautious. I think as we get older and have been hurt more, it gets harder to love with reckless abandon like we did when we were younger. But the love that does develop (even if it takes a bit longer), is deeper and more fulfilling.
In short: that difference passion might have very little to with his feelings for you, and might have a lot to do with him having been hurt a couple of more times before he became your boyfriend.
posted by superlibby at 11:32 PM on May 23, 2017 [7 favorites]
21-year-old me drove across the country to be with a man she barely knew. 31-year-old me is much, much, much more cautious. I think as we get older and have been hurt more, it gets harder to love with reckless abandon like we did when we were younger. But the love that does develop (even if it takes a bit longer), is deeper and more fulfilling.
In short: that difference passion might have very little to with his feelings for you, and might have a lot to do with him having been hurt a couple of more times before he became your boyfriend.
posted by superlibby at 11:32 PM on May 23, 2017 [7 favorites]
Perspective: All the torrid messages in the world don't mean someone is actually that into you ultimately or will commit to you in any way. I've exchanged plenty with men in the past who didn't work out, especially in cases where the relationship was entirely or in part long-distance or forbidden in some way. I exchanged almost none with my now-husband, who was never long-distance in any way.
Also, in my experience it seems like people will sometimes write stuff like that almost as a piano-tuning exercise, so to speak, to explore what it feels like to say X, Y, or Z thing. They'll write things they would never say. Further, the fact that many of these messages were exchanged with 1. someone who was long-distance and 2. someone who he was seeing while also seeing the long-distance person does set up a couple different scenarios from the one you're currently experiencing. First of all, when you're long-distance, there will be correspondence, and when there's correspondence, there's always the opportunity to say things one would not otherwise say in person or to kind of hyperbolize in a way that one might not in person. Part of the whole deal with a long-distance relationship is that it involves some level of imagination and fantasy to keep it up in the first place. But ultimately, that relationship didn't work out—we know nothing about why, but it's true that imagination and fantasy can't be everything.
And then he got into the relationship with the other person at the same time as he was in that preexisting long-distance relationship, which lends itself to a scenario in which the second romance perhaps had a forbidden or illicit aspect. I don't know if that was the case, of course, but it certainly seems like it could lend itself to headier feelings than usual. Also, since he was already in that mode of correspondence with the long-distance relationship, it probably was easy to be in that mode with the other woman at the same time. But that one also didn't work out, so there you go.
Are there other past messages besides the ones from those two relationships? 'Cause I feel like that largely covers a lot of what could've been the deal with those relationships that made them differ from your current relationship with him. The only thing I would say would be a potential red flag would actually be the opposite of your scenario, e.g., you read correspondence he had with someone where he calls them the same pet name he calls you, or he sent them the same poem or songs he sent you, or he turns out to have a specific type that you fit into to the point it makes you feel objectified, or he turns out to have a specific type that you don't at all fit into that also makes you concerned about objectification and whether he's that into you, or similar. I'm definitely in an informal club of women friends and acquaintances who all ended up having the same lame ex in high school who told us all he "wrote" us poems that were in fact just the same song lyrics he gave to every girl, for instance.
Anyway, there's curiosity and then there's tormenting yourself. Me, I overshare, and I've always shared tales of past relationships once I get involved with someone. I've always viewed it as being open and honest and also as a way to get at my history and things about myself I couldn't express otherwise. But I've been told in no uncertain terms by a therapist and by at least one past love interest that this is a bad idea—and this is one reason why. Openness and radical honesty are awesome but perhaps are best curbed at the point that they involve sharing the exact words one sent one's former loves. Since your boyfriend shared this stuff with you, you can't exactly put that back in the box, but you should consider these points. He's with you.
That said, don't ignore the feelings this evokes for you. It sounds like this makes you want him to express himself the way he did with them or to be more passionate with you. Maybe there are ways you guys can bring out that energy in your relationship. You could certainly keep up a correspondence with him, even if you see him in person every day, and it could be really hot. If you want an aspect of that in your relationship, there are probably ways to make that happen, so you get to experience that side of him for yourself.
posted by limeonaire at 11:58 PM on May 23, 2017 [10 favorites]
Also, in my experience it seems like people will sometimes write stuff like that almost as a piano-tuning exercise, so to speak, to explore what it feels like to say X, Y, or Z thing. They'll write things they would never say. Further, the fact that many of these messages were exchanged with 1. someone who was long-distance and 2. someone who he was seeing while also seeing the long-distance person does set up a couple different scenarios from the one you're currently experiencing. First of all, when you're long-distance, there will be correspondence, and when there's correspondence, there's always the opportunity to say things one would not otherwise say in person or to kind of hyperbolize in a way that one might not in person. Part of the whole deal with a long-distance relationship is that it involves some level of imagination and fantasy to keep it up in the first place. But ultimately, that relationship didn't work out—we know nothing about why, but it's true that imagination and fantasy can't be everything.
And then he got into the relationship with the other person at the same time as he was in that preexisting long-distance relationship, which lends itself to a scenario in which the second romance perhaps had a forbidden or illicit aspect. I don't know if that was the case, of course, but it certainly seems like it could lend itself to headier feelings than usual. Also, since he was already in that mode of correspondence with the long-distance relationship, it probably was easy to be in that mode with the other woman at the same time. But that one also didn't work out, so there you go.
Are there other past messages besides the ones from those two relationships? 'Cause I feel like that largely covers a lot of what could've been the deal with those relationships that made them differ from your current relationship with him. The only thing I would say would be a potential red flag would actually be the opposite of your scenario, e.g., you read correspondence he had with someone where he calls them the same pet name he calls you, or he sent them the same poem or songs he sent you, or he turns out to have a specific type that you fit into to the point it makes you feel objectified, or he turns out to have a specific type that you don't at all fit into that also makes you concerned about objectification and whether he's that into you, or similar. I'm definitely in an informal club of women friends and acquaintances who all ended up having the same lame ex in high school who told us all he "wrote" us poems that were in fact just the same song lyrics he gave to every girl, for instance.
Anyway, there's curiosity and then there's tormenting yourself. Me, I overshare, and I've always shared tales of past relationships once I get involved with someone. I've always viewed it as being open and honest and also as a way to get at my history and things about myself I couldn't express otherwise. But I've been told in no uncertain terms by a therapist and by at least one past love interest that this is a bad idea—and this is one reason why. Openness and radical honesty are awesome but perhaps are best curbed at the point that they involve sharing the exact words one sent one's former loves. Since your boyfriend shared this stuff with you, you can't exactly put that back in the box, but you should consider these points. He's with you.
That said, don't ignore the feelings this evokes for you. It sounds like this makes you want him to express himself the way he did with them or to be more passionate with you. Maybe there are ways you guys can bring out that energy in your relationship. You could certainly keep up a correspondence with him, even if you see him in person every day, and it could be really hot. If you want an aspect of that in your relationship, there are probably ways to make that happen, so you get to experience that side of him for yourself.
posted by limeonaire at 11:58 PM on May 23, 2017 [10 favorites]
Best answer: I WILL compare sometimes, even if I try not to, and I want to come out on top
You are on top. He's with you, he has changed his behaviour, committed, stop flirting and even let you read his past love letters (something I would not do, needlessly cruel and cringey for everyone. You are not a curious cat, you are a jealous cat; be honest with yourself, here).
Your insecurity and low self esteem is preventing you from appreciating the bounty you have. For me, relationships grow and bloom into something life-defining and powerful, I've come to appreciate that the power of my relationship, what I wouldn't trade for anything else, is how we've built up something, slowly, consistently over time, together.
It's a marathon, not a sprint - finding someone who'll stand on a cliff in the rain or whatever is much easier than finding someone who'll bring you peppermint tea when you've been shitting your guts out from a bad pork roll.
You are comparing an incomplete view of a relationship - just a peek through the blinds - with your 100% view of your own relationship - and you are filling in the blanks inaccurately. You say he was passionate with them hey? So passionate he was seeing multiple people at once? So passionate, so in love he couldn't commit to them? Fine poetry doesn't add to much compared to the actions you want to discount.
Imagine someone looking in from the outside, at your own relationship. They may envy - very much! - what you have OP, without knowing about the quotidian stresses that make real relationship.
But more broadly, OP, comparing yourself to others - in any respect - is a mug's game. You will always find someone to be ahead of, someone to be behind of. You can only focus on yourself, and what you have. If you want more passion, ask for it - but be sure to put out what you want in.
Best of luck, your relationship sounds like a mature, adult relationship to me. There's more to life than torrid emails. :)
posted by smoke at 3:25 AM on May 24, 2017 [28 favorites]
You are on top. He's with you, he has changed his behaviour, committed, stop flirting and even let you read his past love letters (something I would not do, needlessly cruel and cringey for everyone. You are not a curious cat, you are a jealous cat; be honest with yourself, here).
Your insecurity and low self esteem is preventing you from appreciating the bounty you have. For me, relationships grow and bloom into something life-defining and powerful, I've come to appreciate that the power of my relationship, what I wouldn't trade for anything else, is how we've built up something, slowly, consistently over time, together.
It's a marathon, not a sprint - finding someone who'll stand on a cliff in the rain or whatever is much easier than finding someone who'll bring you peppermint tea when you've been shitting your guts out from a bad pork roll.
You are comparing an incomplete view of a relationship - just a peek through the blinds - with your 100% view of your own relationship - and you are filling in the blanks inaccurately. You say he was passionate with them hey? So passionate he was seeing multiple people at once? So passionate, so in love he couldn't commit to them? Fine poetry doesn't add to much compared to the actions you want to discount.
Imagine someone looking in from the outside, at your own relationship. They may envy - very much! - what you have OP, without knowing about the quotidian stresses that make real relationship.
But more broadly, OP, comparing yourself to others - in any respect - is a mug's game. You will always find someone to be ahead of, someone to be behind of. You can only focus on yourself, and what you have. If you want more passion, ask for it - but be sure to put out what you want in.
Best of luck, your relationship sounds like a mature, adult relationship to me. There's more to life than torrid emails. :)
posted by smoke at 3:25 AM on May 24, 2017 [28 favorites]
Best answer: hi! my two cents. or. three.
1- he was younger! t'was the past, after all. peeps usually are more intense and energetic, and can say a lot of grand things (your perspective is a little skewy) - plus throw in a bit of distance and everything is meant to bridge that gap a bit (so using big words.)
2- uncommitted, funtimes, flirting etc. *is* quite zingy. its the nature of the game.
3- that being said, someone who will be by your side through hell and high water - - thats an entirely different animal. don't confuse the two. you're comparing a little chirpy canary to a water buffalo mama that will take on lions to protect her baby. she might not sing, but she has her own merits. its good to reflect on those. (i suppose buffalos moo, sure. but you get my drift)
and a final thought. it can be tiring, to feel that you have to keep proving your undying love to someone, even if they don't demand it directly (theres a vibe). of course, if its a solid relationship you don't stop showing your love through words & actions, but just like taking care of your loved ones, it also is a skill to recognize the love you're receiving too. and like any skill, takes practice.
you got this. take it easy on both of you, you seem to have a wonderful thing going :)
posted by speakeasy at 3:45 AM on May 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
1- he was younger! t'was the past, after all. peeps usually are more intense and energetic, and can say a lot of grand things (your perspective is a little skewy) - plus throw in a bit of distance and everything is meant to bridge that gap a bit (so using big words.)
2- uncommitted, funtimes, flirting etc. *is* quite zingy. its the nature of the game.
3- that being said, someone who will be by your side through hell and high water - - thats an entirely different animal. don't confuse the two. you're comparing a little chirpy canary to a water buffalo mama that will take on lions to protect her baby. she might not sing, but she has her own merits. its good to reflect on those. (i suppose buffalos moo, sure. but you get my drift)
and a final thought. it can be tiring, to feel that you have to keep proving your undying love to someone, even if they don't demand it directly (theres a vibe). of course, if its a solid relationship you don't stop showing your love through words & actions, but just like taking care of your loved ones, it also is a skill to recognize the love you're receiving too. and like any skill, takes practice.
you got this. take it easy on both of you, you seem to have a wonderful thing going :)
posted by speakeasy at 3:45 AM on May 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: "Trust in the man he has become."
This little phrase has been giving me a lot of comfort lately, and I hope it can bring you some peace as well.
posted by Juniper Toast at 3:54 AM on May 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
This little phrase has been giving me a lot of comfort lately, and I hope it can bring you some peace as well.
posted by Juniper Toast at 3:54 AM on May 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Here are a few thoughts.
1. Whenever you start feeling insecure or fixating on small details, try zooming out. Think about your relationship as a whole; do you feel like your partner loves you? How do you know this? Think about how he demonstrates it. Remind yourself of the great things about your relationship and really take a minute to appreciate them.
2. You said you have very little to complain about. But are there things that are missing in your relationship, things that would make you happier? You mentioned passion. Do you want more romance? You can talk to him about that. An established relationship might never have the same energy as a new relationship, but you should both still communicate your needs and work together to address them.
3. As mentioned above, people grow and change. Remember that he is an evolving individual (as you are!). Surely you value and encourage his growth. It sounds like he's made some very positive changes, and clinging to his past when HE'S moved on is unfair to him. Think of yourself as the awesome woman who inspired him to better himself, because that's what you are! The two of you are moving forward, in a happy relationship, bringing out the best in each other. The other women are just part of his past.
posted by yawper at 7:27 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
1. Whenever you start feeling insecure or fixating on small details, try zooming out. Think about your relationship as a whole; do you feel like your partner loves you? How do you know this? Think about how he demonstrates it. Remind yourself of the great things about your relationship and really take a minute to appreciate them.
2. You said you have very little to complain about. But are there things that are missing in your relationship, things that would make you happier? You mentioned passion. Do you want more romance? You can talk to him about that. An established relationship might never have the same energy as a new relationship, but you should both still communicate your needs and work together to address them.
3. As mentioned above, people grow and change. Remember that he is an evolving individual (as you are!). Surely you value and encourage his growth. It sounds like he's made some very positive changes, and clinging to his past when HE'S moved on is unfair to him. Think of yourself as the awesome woman who inspired him to better himself, because that's what you are! The two of you are moving forward, in a happy relationship, bringing out the best in each other. The other women are just part of his past.
posted by yawper at 7:27 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
It's impossible not to compare: we're human. So have you had any passionate not-for-forever relationships in your own past that you can look back on for perspective? Or is this a thing where he got to have lots of really fun, crazy, pyrotechnic affairs and you've mostly had sensible, quiet, committed relationships? If so, this can still work, but you're going to have to find a way to get adventure of some kind into your life so that when you slip into the inevitable comparisons, you can say, "we're even." (It doesn't have to be romantic adventure, but it should be very thrilling. Maybe he can help you think of things and make them happen--in exchange for you agreeing to trust that he's really committed. [And then fake the trust 'til you actually feel it.])
posted by Don Pepino at 9:38 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Don Pepino at 9:38 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You must realize that he has more with you than he ever had with any of them.
This can take a while. Be kind to yourself, and be kind to him, in the meantime.
posted by SLC Mom at 10:01 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
This can take a while. Be kind to yourself, and be kind to him, in the meantime.
posted by SLC Mom at 10:01 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
TLDNR- Please stop looking through his stuff from the past. I'm in a similar relationship where in the beginning, he preferred one (of the 3 of us he was dating) girl over me. I even still have the email. The thing is, I had to stop going back and looking at all of that shit. Everyone has a past, be glad that he's with you today. You are letting his past pollute your future if you keep nosing around in stuff that you really shouldn't have in the first place. You are setting yourself up to get hurt. I can stress enough, LIVE FOR TODAY! All relationships end and none the way we'd prefer. Either you divorce, break up or die. They all end. Don't keep yourself from being happy with this person, just focus on today. (BTW, I married mine and we just celebrated our anniversary yesterday. When those thoughts come up...and they do...I just put them on the train and let them go by. Out of my mind. That's not today. Good luck to you.
posted by Amalie-Suzette at 10:27 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Amalie-Suzette at 10:27 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This was me. I highly recommend this course on overcoming your partner's past.
By the way, this phenomenon is defined as 'retroactive jealousy,' which might help you in viewing past Ask MeFi posts as well as in your googling research.
posted by knownassociate at 10:27 AM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
By the way, this phenomenon is defined as 'retroactive jealousy,' which might help you in viewing past Ask MeFi posts as well as in your googling research.
posted by knownassociate at 10:27 AM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I feel he was more passionate with the other two women. Both weren't real stable relationships where they actually built a life together, so there were messages about him fantasizing about making love, being passionately in love, etc. And there's no fantasy or mad craze in our relationship. I feel like the boring person he settled with, though he would say that isn't true at all.
I know a lot of people have already said as much, but yes, your goal is to reframe this. "Boring" is good, and you want to be the boring relationship. First relationships when people don't know what they're doing are full of passion and fantasy and mad craze. He chose you because he wanted to create a healthy relationship that works for the long term. Here's a thing: passion means not just more good emotions, it means more negative emotions. It means more uncertainty. I mean yes, also move on from the thoughts and don't dwell on them, but make that comparison a good thing: "I don't have to compare myself against these relationships. They all failed for the same reason, which is specifically not true of my current relationship."
posted by capricorn at 12:34 PM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
I know a lot of people have already said as much, but yes, your goal is to reframe this. "Boring" is good, and you want to be the boring relationship. First relationships when people don't know what they're doing are full of passion and fantasy and mad craze. He chose you because he wanted to create a healthy relationship that works for the long term. Here's a thing: passion means not just more good emotions, it means more negative emotions. It means more uncertainty. I mean yes, also move on from the thoughts and don't dwell on them, but make that comparison a good thing: "I don't have to compare myself against these relationships. They all failed for the same reason, which is specifically not true of my current relationship."
posted by capricorn at 12:34 PM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
You are not a consolation prize.
posted by Marinara at 12:44 PM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Marinara at 12:44 PM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
Seems like you've gotten fine advice upthread, but for whatever reason, this really jumps out at me:
And, may I beg you to be kind, please? This is a sensitive subject.
I can't help but wonder why you'd make this request. People here are generally kind. Do you feel embarrassed or ashamed about your feelings? Why is it important to you that people frame their answers in a certain way? If I were you, I would really unpack this. Not so much the relationship, but that you need to hear responses phrased only in certain ways. I think if you spend some time deciphering why it matters to only hear one type of response, you may be able to daw larger conclusions about you, this fellow, and your overall feeling of security and self-validation in general.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 12:50 PM on May 24, 2017
And, may I beg you to be kind, please? This is a sensitive subject.
I can't help but wonder why you'd make this request. People here are generally kind. Do you feel embarrassed or ashamed about your feelings? Why is it important to you that people frame their answers in a certain way? If I were you, I would really unpack this. Not so much the relationship, but that you need to hear responses phrased only in certain ways. I think if you spend some time deciphering why it matters to only hear one type of response, you may be able to daw larger conclusions about you, this fellow, and your overall feeling of security and self-validation in general.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 12:50 PM on May 24, 2017
I can't help but wonder why you'd make this request.
To my mind, I think OP was just talking about the general kind of Ask MeFi "GET OVER IT" type of advice that sometimes trickles through the helpful responses. YMMV
posted by knownassociate at 1:44 PM on May 24, 2017 [11 favorites]
To my mind, I think OP was just talking about the general kind of Ask MeFi "GET OVER IT" type of advice that sometimes trickles through the helpful responses. YMMV
posted by knownassociate at 1:44 PM on May 24, 2017 [11 favorites]
Best answer: I sort of felt similarly in the beginning of my relationship. I think the biggest thing that has helped is time. This stuff comes on strong in the beginning of a relationship, and over time will slowly fade because it just starts to seem so trivial in comparison with the life you're building together. Apart from that, investing in my own life and interest also helped boost my self-esteem and sense of person so that I obsessed less with the stuff you're talking about.
posted by monologish at 2:58 PM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by monologish at 2:58 PM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
And, may I beg you to be kind, please? This is a sensitive subject.
Some people here are kind, yes. Others are awful and/or don't assume positive intent, especially when it comes to relationship questions.
I wouldn't read any need for introspection into that, personally.
posted by emkelley at 12:05 PM on May 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Some people here are kind, yes. Others are awful and/or don't assume positive intent, especially when it comes to relationship questions.
I wouldn't read any need for introspection into that, personally.
posted by emkelley at 12:05 PM on May 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jessca84 at 11:23 PM on May 23, 2017 [10 favorites]