sex with new guy isn't that great. is it fixable?
April 29, 2017 4:50 AM Subscribe
Sex with new guy isn't that great. Is it fixable? nsfw
I've finally become newly sexually active with a guy I've crushed on for years. I'm f 47, he's 42. I REALLY want to make this work, but I'm afraid we are just incompatible. Perhaps I'm wrong?
1. I think he has some sort of ED. I've no experience with this. he gets a little hard, enough to not easily insert, and he reaches O, but its pretty unsatisfying for me, and me Oing is out of the question because of it, and I feel shitty about it but there it is. Perhaps i could suggest medical treatment but how do I bring it up without embarrassing him?
2. his repertoire of things to do is very narrow. So not only do I not get off during the penetration, no OTHER efforts are made. I believe its not because he is selfish, but because he is awkward and timid and lacks confidence. He suggested i pleasure myself during sex. i tried it but i didn't like it. Once i asked him to ahem, do something specific that I know helps me and he reacted with alarm, and, well like he didn't want to do it. (i just wanted him to pinch my nipple kinda hard)
3. I am craving broader experience, maybe with bdsm leanings, and he told me he's "prudish" and "not into bells and whistles."
I would appreciate any advice, but in reading, I know it sounds hopeless. But trust me when I say this guy is perfect in every other way, so this really breaks my heart. Thanks Metafilter
I've finally become newly sexually active with a guy I've crushed on for years. I'm f 47, he's 42. I REALLY want to make this work, but I'm afraid we are just incompatible. Perhaps I'm wrong?
1. I think he has some sort of ED. I've no experience with this. he gets a little hard, enough to not easily insert, and he reaches O, but its pretty unsatisfying for me, and me Oing is out of the question because of it, and I feel shitty about it but there it is. Perhaps i could suggest medical treatment but how do I bring it up without embarrassing him?
2. his repertoire of things to do is very narrow. So not only do I not get off during the penetration, no OTHER efforts are made. I believe its not because he is selfish, but because he is awkward and timid and lacks confidence. He suggested i pleasure myself during sex. i tried it but i didn't like it. Once i asked him to ahem, do something specific that I know helps me and he reacted with alarm, and, well like he didn't want to do it. (i just wanted him to pinch my nipple kinda hard)
3. I am craving broader experience, maybe with bdsm leanings, and he told me he's "prudish" and "not into bells and whistles."
I would appreciate any advice, but in reading, I know it sounds hopeless. But trust me when I say this guy is perfect in every other way, so this really breaks my heart. Thanks Metafilter
Give him some more time. Talk openly and often about how you feel, including what you have said here. It sounds like everything is still new, and it might improve with time. If it doesn't, and you've tried all you can, then move on. Sex is important, especially in a new relationship. The nipple thing is an alarm that this isn't going to be easy.
posted by 0bvious at 5:51 AM on April 29, 2017
posted by 0bvious at 5:51 AM on April 29, 2017
We are all partially the result of our learned experiences. Perhaps he simply has never had a partner who has bothered to guide him? Men are often looked upon to be competent and experienced right out of the box. Perhaps he's had a partner who was adamant that he not do the things you want? At his age, it's quite possible there are things that have been ingrained in him and need to be (gently) exorcised.
As for the ED/poor performance issue, it can be a horrible, vicious circle. The more you have problems, the more you worry. The more you worry, the more you have problems. He's probably very aware of the problem and his concern is making it worse. Your understanding of the problem is important. It's definitely an issue that can be difficult for couples to talk about, and your reassurance and help is key.
Sex is communication and, sometimes, teaching. It appears you may find yourself in the position of teaching for now.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:56 AM on April 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
As for the ED/poor performance issue, it can be a horrible, vicious circle. The more you have problems, the more you worry. The more you worry, the more you have problems. He's probably very aware of the problem and his concern is making it worse. Your understanding of the problem is important. It's definitely an issue that can be difficult for couples to talk about, and your reassurance and help is key.
Sex is communication and, sometimes, teaching. It appears you may find yourself in the position of teaching for now.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:56 AM on April 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
What's the lead up and foreplay like? If he's uncomfortable with your nipples I feel like there probably isn't much of anything before you're getting to penetration. Foreplay doesn't need to be "bells and whistles" to get you quite close to orgasm if you and your partner are being sensual and learning each others' bodies and reactions. It might also take some of the pressure off for him in terms of erections, if you're clear about wanting to touch and explore but not penetrate or thrust at all for a while. Maybe keep some clothes on that you can take off as a clear signal that foreplay is over and you'd like to finish up?
If he really is perfect in every other way that means he is willing to listen and learn from you and respect your needs. That doesn't mean you can make him like things he doesn't like, so maybe dial back on bdsm type things unless that's really your dealbreaker. And make sure you're talking about this when you guys aren't already naked and in bed. You can't just spring stuff on a person who is already nervous and unsure right in the moment. Give him some time to simmer with it and then give things a try the next day.
I do think you deserve excellent orgasms regardless of if you're taking on the task of guiding him or not. How are your masturbatory skills? Maybe if he saw how you touch yourself he would be more comfortable doing it for you - I feel like the nipple pinching thing might be a situation where he's afraid to hurt you and doesn't realize that we have very different sensitivity levels. You might also get some toys that aren't intimidating (so nothing really dick-shaped) to help you come, and invite him to use them on you. Depending on the guy this can really flop (excuse my word choice) but it might help him build confidence knowing he can give you pleasure regardless of his erectile situation.
posted by Mizu at 6:15 AM on April 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
If he really is perfect in every other way that means he is willing to listen and learn from you and respect your needs. That doesn't mean you can make him like things he doesn't like, so maybe dial back on bdsm type things unless that's really your dealbreaker. And make sure you're talking about this when you guys aren't already naked and in bed. You can't just spring stuff on a person who is already nervous and unsure right in the moment. Give him some time to simmer with it and then give things a try the next day.
I do think you deserve excellent orgasms regardless of if you're taking on the task of guiding him or not. How are your masturbatory skills? Maybe if he saw how you touch yourself he would be more comfortable doing it for you - I feel like the nipple pinching thing might be a situation where he's afraid to hurt you and doesn't realize that we have very different sensitivity levels. You might also get some toys that aren't intimidating (so nothing really dick-shaped) to help you come, and invite him to use them on you. Depending on the guy this can really flop (excuse my word choice) but it might help him build confidence knowing he can give you pleasure regardless of his erectile situation.
posted by Mizu at 6:15 AM on April 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
Can you get off via hands/ oral? If so I'd attempt to train him to do that, by very explicitly asking for them and telling him very specifically what to do. To be kind, you might frame it as "I don't often get off via intercourse," even if that's only true with him.
If he's not willing and able to get you off via those methods, I'd give up. But if he IS, then after a few sessions of good mutually satisfying sex that hopefully build his confidence and comfort, start asking for less vanilla things.
posted by metasarah at 6:19 AM on April 29, 2017
If he's not willing and able to get you off via those methods, I'd give up. But if he IS, then after a few sessions of good mutually satisfying sex that hopefully build his confidence and comfort, start asking for less vanilla things.
posted by metasarah at 6:19 AM on April 29, 2017
This guy has clearly told you he is "prudish" and "not into bells and whistles". You should listen to him. Maybe with A LOT of time and energy and effort and instruction you could get him to act differently.
I think you are incompatible, sorry. You deserve bells and whistles! And someone who is interested in your body and wants to put effort into your pleasure. This guy is not that.
posted by fourpotatoes at 7:24 AM on April 29, 2017 [11 favorites]
I think you are incompatible, sorry. You deserve bells and whistles! And someone who is interested in your body and wants to put effort into your pleasure. This guy is not that.
posted by fourpotatoes at 7:24 AM on April 29, 2017 [11 favorites]
I think it would help your decision if you had a conversation sometime when sex isn't imminent/happening. Lay out your needs and interests: I would like if we could xxx. It would be great if you could xxx before we xxx. I am interested in xxx. Is he willing to be coached and guided? Are you interested doing the coaching and guiding? Is his 'prudish'ness because he's never explored anything else or does he just want what he's already doing and nothing else? If he show little or no interest in being more active during sex, you are not compatible. And if he responds positively to the conversation but doesn't make it happen in the bedroom, that's also an answer--and not the kind of lip service you're looking for. You deserve someone who will be an active participant in your mutual sex life, someone who is interested in responding to your desires.
posted by carrioncomfort at 7:49 AM on April 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by carrioncomfort at 7:49 AM on April 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
What people normally recommend here has already been done-- you've requested exactly what you need. He's told you no, it couldn't be any clearer. He's in his 40s, he's not interested in making the effort, it's not going to get any better--only worse as mutual resentment builds. I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing how this could be fixable since he sees pleasing you as "bells and whistles."
posted by kapers at 11:22 AM on April 29, 2017 [15 favorites]
posted by kapers at 11:22 AM on April 29, 2017 [15 favorites]
It seems like the only thing left unexplored is for him to take some sort of medication that would ensure his successful erection. He may never have had one, so his notion of sex is accordingly shaped. After a few sessions with a decent erection, it's possible that he may come to some awakening regarding the pleasures of sex.
Something about him suggesting that you stimulate yourself caused me to wonder if he was just ducking the issue at hand, or whether he might find that in itself stimulating. If the latter is the case, I realize it goes only halfway to meet the issue, but it may be a door through which you discover a way to light his fire.
That he seems unwilling to explore other things is interesting, but it still doesn't mean that he needs to be fixed, as it were. If he indeed has a low sex drive, then, at least sexually, the two of you are not a good match. Without blaming either of you for the mismatch, maybe it's a deal breaker, because your needs won't ever be met, and he'll feel incompetent.
posted by mule98J at 12:25 PM on April 29, 2017
Something about him suggesting that you stimulate yourself caused me to wonder if he was just ducking the issue at hand, or whether he might find that in itself stimulating. If the latter is the case, I realize it goes only halfway to meet the issue, but it may be a door through which you discover a way to light his fire.
That he seems unwilling to explore other things is interesting, but it still doesn't mean that he needs to be fixed, as it were. If he indeed has a low sex drive, then, at least sexually, the two of you are not a good match. Without blaming either of you for the mismatch, maybe it's a deal breaker, because your needs won't ever be met, and he'll feel incompetent.
posted by mule98J at 12:25 PM on April 29, 2017
this guy is perfect in every other way
But he's not perfect in this way, and has told you that he is not interested in becoming perfect in this way. He is so far from perfect in this way that he considers growth, exploration and your pleasure "bells and whistles."* How important is this way to you?
*This attitude is rarely limited to the bedroom.
posted by headnsouth at 1:48 PM on April 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
But he's not perfect in this way, and has told you that he is not interested in becoming perfect in this way. He is so far from perfect in this way that he considers growth, exploration and your pleasure "bells and whistles."* How important is this way to you?
*This attitude is rarely limited to the bedroom.
posted by headnsouth at 1:48 PM on April 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
This isn't because he's inexperienced, he's also not willing to learn or focused on your pleasure (that's what he means by 'bells and whistles.') That's probably why he doesn't have a big repertoire, he does what works for him and that's it. Hence the pleasure yourself comment, because he doesn't want to bother making the effort.
You've told him what you'd like him to do, he's not interested in doing it. People who are selfish are rarely just selfish in one area, as mentioned. I don't know why you'd stick around and wait to find out what other bells and whistles of yours don't matter to him.
posted by Jubey at 2:06 PM on April 29, 2017 [4 favorites]
You've told him what you'd like him to do, he's not interested in doing it. People who are selfish are rarely just selfish in one area, as mentioned. I don't know why you'd stick around and wait to find out what other bells and whistles of yours don't matter to him.
posted by Jubey at 2:06 PM on April 29, 2017 [4 favorites]
He's said that he's prudish and not into the bells and whistles. You haven't said (here) that he's really trying to find something he's into that will work for you. It sounds like he's focused on what he wants and doesn't care all that much what you want. I don't think this is fixable, and I think it's an attitude that will carry over into other areas where you have conflicts.
posted by bile and syntax at 3:28 PM on April 29, 2017
posted by bile and syntax at 3:28 PM on April 29, 2017
Dude is not into sex. This is fine for lots of potential romantic partners who also are not into sex. Not fine for you.
I'm sorry. It sucks when this happens. Maybe he could be a good friend?
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:37 PM on April 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry. It sucks when this happens. Maybe he could be a good friend?
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:37 PM on April 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
It may be not fixable and you shouldn't hold out months and months on trying to improve things but if he is as great as you say it doesn't hurt to try. Take the pinching the nipples thing...when you are having a sexy talk that is somewhat removed from the bedroom you could say something like: "I know you are hesitant to pinch my nipples during sex...Is that because you are afraid you'll hurt me? I assure you that for me it feels really damn good and helps me experience pleasure. It goes a long way towards helping me get off. I'll even show you the right amount of pressure to apply."
posted by mmascolino at 9:35 AM on April 30, 2017
posted by mmascolino at 9:35 AM on April 30, 2017
Yeah this sounds like someone who is not really into sex. I think it would take a load of work on your part to get anywhere with him that's good for you sexually and even then it might not really work.
posted by Polychrome at 5:47 AM on May 2, 2017
posted by Polychrome at 5:47 AM on May 2, 2017
Does he have high blood pressure? HBP often causes ED, and ED over a long period of time results in disinterest in sex.
posted by eustacescrubb at 9:47 AM on May 7, 2017
posted by eustacescrubb at 9:47 AM on May 7, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by blackzinfandel at 5:01 AM on April 29, 2017 [24 favorites]