Where to find depictions on non-porn style sex?
April 29, 2017 4:50 AM   Subscribe

After reading this question about "Porn style sex" being a dealbreaker, I'm interested in finding depictions of what "normal" sex looks like. I'm a virgin dude and I have questions.

I'm a virgin man in my early 30's. One of the many things that I'm nervous about as far as dating goes is that there's this whole set of expectations that people bring into the bedroom with them that I am totally unfamiliar with.

One specific example: The question asker said that her date wanted to "orgasm in weird places (my face, my stomach)." Which is how most porn I've seen ends. I know that porn and actual sex are obviously different; what would be normal here?

And other answers talk about how that kind of "kink" should be discussed up front. What does that negotiation look like? Or even more basic: how do you do any of those "pre-game" discussions? I know you're supposed to discuss things like "when was your last STD test?" and what you're into/not into, but I don't know where that discussion comes up. In stories it goes from flirty glances and exploratory touching at dinner and then cuts straight to sexy times (or even just the morning after).

And then the actual sex itself: If I want to avoid being typed as "trained by porn," what should be doing/avoiding?

I don't want to be the guy from the original question. So I'm looking for depictions (video or text or anything) of how the normal process works, ideally from the point of that first date through the actual sex. More than just a list of do's and don't's (although those are certainly welcome), positive examples would be the most helpful.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total) 33 users marked this as a favorite

 
Planned Parenthood has a lot of great videos covering consent ( https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qNN3nAevQKY ) and discussing STDs ( https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tkVcpxOYhd8 )

The big difference between porn and "real" sex is what looks good versus what feels good. A lot of angles or moves are about what works for a camera. There's not to really show of a guy finishing in a woman other than his face where as cumming on breasts or face is something to show the camera.

Checking in with your partner about what works them is always the best way to approach it- positions, moves, etc. Asking if it works for them/they like it/reading facial expressions and responses
posted by raccoon409 at 5:08 AM on April 29, 2017 [5 favorites]


Oh man, this is a great question. There's a lot to unpack here, but kudos to you for wanting to know what healthy dynamics look like.
All of the answers you're going to get will differ some, because everyone is different. That said, the common themes will always be consent, communication, and respect.
Lots of people seem to like She Comes First for obvious reasons.
Scarleteen is another really good resource, even though it's for teens/early twenties it's an amazing resource for all ages (really). Here's an especially timely article to get you started.
So first question, where does one normally orgasm? That entirely depends on what kind of sex you're having and who it's with, but you usually ask beforehand/ during where your partner would like you to, ahem, finish. That's a good rule of thumb, asking your partner if you're not sure of anything.
STD testing conversations usually come up casually, in my opinion. It can seem pretty nerve wracking if you haven't done it before, but it'll be okay. It's time to bring it up after a couple of dates, or when you know you want to sleep with someone (but before you do!). Just say "Hey, when was the last time you were tested" or offer up that you should both get tested. There is a 3 month window between contracting an STI and a positive test, so be aware of that, FYI.
I think that currently porn can lean towards an unequalnwss towards women. Like aggressively so, in that it almost seems abusive. That's not to say that it's all that way, but i think it comes down to that there probably aren't female directors, and it's all geared towards a male fantasy. There is pornIn real life, both partners are equally in charge and collaborating to give each other pleasure. As long as you look your partner in the eyes, listen, and communicate in the moment, you'll be fine. Ask her what she likes, watch her and listen for cues and adjust from there.
posted by Champagne Supernova at 5:31 AM on April 29, 2017 [8 favorites]


A very easy thing you can do is watch amateur porn - videos that are 100% homemade (the couples are setting up the camera, angles aren't the best, etc). Yes the quality isn't the same as professional porn, but you're not using it to get off, you're using it to learn (although amateur porn is often really hot!). You'll see there that people stop and start, people talk to each other, things slip out, and...importantly, women have real orgasms. It won't give you the full spectrum you're looking for as these are usually established relationships, but it will give you a better idea of real sex.
posted by yawper at 5:32 AM on April 29, 2017 [14 favorites]


It's most typical to come in her vagina. If you're coming via blow job, it's polite to ask if she wants you to come in her mouth or if she wants you to pull out right before coming. This can be asked during the blow job. Lots of men just say "I'm about to come," which gives her the opportunity to pull away if she wants to.

It can be really difficult for a lot of people to talk about what they want during sex before they have it for the first time, both because it's an intimate topic AND because it can be easier to talk about what you like/ dislike when you have a mutual basis of comparison ("I often enjoy it faster/ rougher/ more intimate/ with more oral/ etc."). So most people don't, unfortunately. If you're not able to comfortably talk about it in advance, err on the side of gentle vanilla sex and ask questions during sex ("is that good," "is that a good speed/ pressure," "would it feel good if I went down on you," "do you want lube," etc.). After the first time with each partner you may be able to talk about it more comfortably.

Pretty typical behavior for men I am with for the first time: they kiss and touch me in places other than the genitals for a while, when I start to seem excited they use their hands on my clit/ in my vagina, they realize from my response that my clit is where it's at so focus attention there, they give me oral, after I come (they ask if I came if they don't know) they put on a condom and have intercourse, starting in missionary position but potentially asking me to switch to a different position. This would presumably vary depending on the response of their partners; if she gets off via intercourse she may encourage him in that direction sooner, etc.
posted by metasarah at 6:09 AM on April 29, 2017 [13 favorites]


You might be interested in Make Love Not Porn.
posted by bunderful at 6:50 AM on April 29, 2017 [1 favorite]


I'm a woman who has sex with female-identified, male-identified, and genderqueer folks, and one of the most awesome things about regularly having sex with a ciswoman (I have a lot more experience with people with penises) is realizing that you can decouple sex from penis in vagina.

We do a lot of PIV, don't get me wrong, but it was a revelation to realize that mutual masturbation is sex, fingering is sex, her getting off and me helping her along but not getting off myself because I'm tired is sex, oral is sex... you get the point. So many of the cis-dudes I've been with wanted to jump to the PIV with a minimum of preliminaries, and it always went the exactly same way, and that gets really routine after awhile. Now some folks like routine in their sex (so, check in with your partner, as everyone else has said - communication makes the sexytimes so much better), but there's a good chance that reoperationalizing sex as more than PIV will take you from 'normal' to 'really good'.
posted by joycehealy at 7:02 AM on April 29, 2017 [15 favorites]


Which is how most porn I've seen ends. I know that porn and actual sex are obviously different; what would be normal here?

Actual sex doesn't end with (or exist solely for the purpose of facilitating and displaying) a man's ejaculation unless both parties are eager for that to be the case. this is the conceptual issue that informs all of the practical issues.

most actual sex between new partners involves condoms.

the type of porn you refer to is fetishistically concerned with displaying visual proof of male orgasm while eliminating any hint of suspicion that a female one might have surreptitiously occurred. If you are having actual sex, you do not have to prove to anybody that a bodily function has taken place, since it's your body and you know what it has or hasn't done. What is normal -- and here, I actually mean what is desirable -- is to play to your partner, not to invisible cameras that aren't there. Invisible-camera-sex is profoundly alienating if it's a unilateral move and not a shared fetish.

for many women, the effect of this genre stunt you describe is: the two of you are having sex of some variety until suddenly he retreats from having sex with you in order to have sex by himself, there at the end, with you as a prop. This is why it is experienced as rude even by many people who do not have strong feelings about the physical details themselves. Most things, you can request as long as you're willing to take no for an answer, but this one, especially as an inexperienced person with a new partner, is something I personally think you should only do on special request. (and you, of course, can say no to such a request.)

when to talk about what you like: before, if you want, but definitely during. There is no time when it's too late to ask questions and you just have to keep quiet and act like you know what you're doing so as not to lose face. that's when bad things happen.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:11 AM on April 29, 2017 [19 favorites]


Check out OMGYes for lots of detailed videos and interviews with actual women marinating and taking about what works for them. It doesn't address all of your questions, but it will give you access to ideas that treat women as full participants in sex, and techniques that will help you not feel quite as novice when it gets down to business.
posted by spindrifter at 7:12 AM on April 29, 2017 [3 favorites]


For me the word communication sounds more fitting than negotiation when it comes to sex. If I felt like a guy was negotiating with me to get what he wanted I would feel used or surmise we aren't compatible, but I certainly want them to let me know what they like so that I can decide if I can give them what they want. When I'm sleeping with someone I want to make them feel good, but if they want something that I really don't, I tell them and don't do it. Likewise if they don't want to enthusiastically do something for me, I don't want to receive it from them. That can change in the context of a longterm relationship say if they really wanted to experience something but I've found it's best to find someone who is well-matched in terms of whether we both like cuddling, kissing, oral sex, frequency of sex, etc.

In my experience the communication varies. If they're a big texter and we're sending a lot of flirty texts we might each give each other an idea of what we like or what we want to do to one another, that is not common though, but that does tend to be how things that are less vanilla come up. More typically if I'm at the point where I'm kissing someone on a date it just progresses and we stop or speak up as needed, like if clothes are coming off there might be pauses like "do you have condoms", "have you been tested" (I find most guys do not ask this so I bring it up, I'm always impressed when the guy asks first), and if I'm not on the pill I let them know to reinforce that condoms are needed. I will also speak up if for instance I want them to slow down, or I don't want them to go down on me, I might speak up to let them know if something is feeling super awesome, it depends. There's a lot of nonverbal communication, like some guys want me to be on top while we're making out so they'll maneuver me so that happens, if I really like what they're doing I'll convey that too.

With my first boyfriends where we were both inexperienced I just remember having a lot of fun with them, spending a lot of time kissing and grinding and figuring things out, asking questions, laughing. If a guy in his 30's went that slowly and openly with me now I'd love it but the sex I have with men now tends to just be good from the get-go with some slight adjustments as we figure out each other's preferences and get more relaxed together, but again I love when guys take their time and are really responsive and that's usually what makes sex good for me.

I have had a few run-ins with porn-style sex and the things I don't like and that typify it for me are:
-they often don't enjoy kissing, or the kissing can be very aggressive and even painful (biting, tongue sucking that is too hard)
-lack of eye contact and pauses in general, it's like they're on a preset course
-they often don't touch my body very much, but if they do again it can be too rough, or too focused on a specific area (like my vagina)
-they jack-hammer and don't pay attention to how it's received
-they don't offer or give oral sex
-they demand oral sex
-they don't care if I've had an orgasm, or they assume the jack-hammering should be sufficient
-they want to have sex in positions that are from porn, but that are uncomfortable and make having an orgasm extremely difficult
-they might not ask where they can ejaculate

And a note on ejaculation - I find that most guys want to pull out when they come - some of them think it's rude to come inside a woman, particularly early on, or they worry about pregnancy even with condoms or other precautions. Almost all guys I've been with ask where I'd like them to come and I am totally fine with back/belly/boobs, JUST ASK. I like if the guy is specific like "is it ok if I finish on your X". Pulling out also makes it easier to have a second round and is less messy, it's not necessarily a sign of disrespect.
posted by lafemma at 7:23 AM on April 29, 2017 [2 favorites]


For the sex itself I find Ersties to be pretty great at showing "real" people having "real" sex. It's passionate and fun and mutually satisfying.
posted by wemayfreeze at 7:50 AM on April 29, 2017 [2 favorites]


The Bad Sex Thread from 2015 is both informative and hilarious.

Other than that: Porn is a performance for the camera. Real sex is a conversation. It's all about listening and responding. Listening with your ears-- to your partner's verbal requests as well as to the changes in their breath and the sounds they make-- but also listening with all your senses, recognising the responses in their body as you recognise your own. Which is (yes) hot, but also means recognising when something isn't right or is a turn-off for them. Turn-off moments happen-- with anyone, they happen-- and generally the solution is to pause, talk a bit, share a laugh if it seems appropriate, and figure out together what to do next, or whether to call it a night.

But overall, one of the biggest tells of a porn-influenced guy is if he's too performative and not conversational enough.
posted by Pallas Athena at 7:56 AM on April 29, 2017 [8 favorites]


Be able to laugh at yourself if things get awkward. Because they often do, especially with a new partner. (Oops, slipped out! Ow, elbow in my eye! Hah! Let's try again.) It is human and reassuring, and it does not happen in (pro) porn.
posted by tomboko at 8:26 AM on April 29, 2017 [11 favorites]


Really excellent advice here re: resources. Seeking those out will be a great groundwork for you.

Your inexperience could actually work in your favour if you let it. You don't have a repertoire of "moves" or a bunch of habitual, performance things that you think you ought to be doing during sex. I'd encourage you then to allow the experience to unfold, and to go very slowly, to build up the tension, and to really explore your partners body (while asking for consent when you're about to take it to the next level, which can be really hot! Ie. "I really want to ___ your___, would you like that?"
So many cis-men try to fake confidence and this means they act rushed and aren't totally present except to their own desire. If you can feel your desire and allow it to fuel a playful, exotic, curious exploration of your partners body, getting them aroused and warm and happy and comfortable (remembering that a lot of women need a lot more foreplay than port depicts before penetrative sex), I think your mutual attraction will lead the rest! And if it doesn't, the first time, don't think of it as a failure but claim it as just as valid sexual encounter!
stay curious and explorative. To me there's nothing better in bed than a partner who is in that state!
posted by elke_wood at 8:49 AM on April 29, 2017


People have given you great resources for information, so I'll just tackle this: What does that negotiation look like?

Intimacy and vulnerability are a little scary, and there's kind of this media (and I don't mean porn, I mean TV comedies and books and everything) idea that if you ever ever ever have to talk about sex it ruins everything. Everything is supposed to just magically happen and nobody has to put themselves out there at all and all things are spontaneous always and everyone is psychic. That is a bad concept and should be rejected.

If you're just hooking up with someone, these conversations tend to be short and highly shorthanded and pretty much come down to making a plan regarding the sex you're about to have right then. It may be a little businesslike, but mostly it gets folded into the foreplay/making out stage.

In a new/growing relationship, these are conversations you can have a lot slower, toe-in-water style, and they should be enjoyable happy conversations. Maybe it's on the phone sometimes, which is easier if you're feeling a little tentative and embarrassed (having these talks is a skill, it's a muscle you develop), or while you're fooling around on the couch. You ask each other what kind of things you like, how do you like to be touched, how fast do you like to progress through the dating-kissing-sex stages, what makes you feel safe, what makes you feel wild. There should be a back-and-forth and you should care as much about the other person's answers as about telling them yours.

And with kinks and just general graduate-level stuff that has overtones of unfeeling or demeaning behavior - which are FINE in their time and place when both parties are into it, sex is weird and people do things in that headspace they wouldn't think are okay elsewhere - you have conversations about that stuff offline preferably, not when they're about to happen. It can be after sex, that's a good talky time to throw around hypotheticals, or maybe you just agree hey, tomorrow night let's order a pizza and do a puzzle and talk about some of our cobwebbier stuff.

For stuff that has safety implications, there's a lot of resources out there about communication in kink, and it's really normalized to discuss in advance just like you were planning a meeting or event: here's the agenda, here's the words we're going to use to measure progress, here's the things that could go wrong and what we'll do if they go wrong, we definitely won't do X because that's not okay with me but we will def do Y because you love it.

I agree with the recommendation above to uncouple p-in-v intercourse from "sex" as a general concept, because I think that's why a lot of cis-straight people fall into "don't talk, just stick it in there and she puts up with it and then you sleep" sex. Everybody else pretty much *has* to have a conversation about what does "sex" even mean and what parts do and don't get to go in/on and what do you prefer that part to be called and here, let me show you how to make the magic happen in this particular spot. If you're not talking, understand that everyone else is having more fun than you and you could be having it too if you'd just talk.

There are sometimes things that get negotiated in the moment, but honestly your goal should be to not do that. If I set a limit when I am calm and clear-headed and then dismantle it when I'm under the influence, is that consent? A lot of kink practitioners say no, and sometimes group playspaces have actual rules about goalpost-moving during play. Imagine asking your partner to do something to you in the heat of the moment even though you had limited it in the most recent discussion about it or hadn't discussed it at all, and they do it because they care about what you want, and then you realize you didn't want to do it (or didn't want to yet, or not in that manner, or not without XYZ conditions) you just wanted to fantasize/roleplay/start working up to the thing and now your partner has done something to you that you didn't want them to, and it can't be undone. (And you know what? With a familiar partner when you have a rapport built over time, sometimes there are things that are kinda grey-area and sometimes you're feelin' it and sometimes it's a hard nope and the two of you can actually pre-discuss how to negotiate that thing in the moment so that she knows when you ask one way it means actually do it but if you ask another way it's a strictly intellectual exercise.)

The brain is your biggest sex organ, and to not include it in your sex life means leaving a lot of fun and pleasure on the table. Communication is great and you should do a ton of it as a standard component of your relationships.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:09 AM on April 29, 2017 [6 favorites]


Props for asking this question. That said, and I'm sure you appreciate this, but "normal" varies widely. I remember reading that question and a thing that stood out to me was that it seemed like the dude had no interest in his partner's pleasure. If you want to not be like the guy in the question, expressing interest in your partner's pleasure will get you pretty far. Also, maybe check out amateur porn and feminist porn. I'm not a porn connoisseur but that will give you a feel for what other (not "normal", mind you but other) kinds of sex look like. And if you're not sure if your partner is into it, ask. Not like "this is okay, right?" But "is this okay? Are you okay? Do you want to stop?" And sex doesn't always end with both people having an orgasm.

Also, in general, non-porn star women typically have birthmarks, stretch marks and body hair. We don't always get off with p-in-v sex alone. We don't moan and writhe constantly. I could go on but that's a good start.
posted by kat518 at 9:59 AM on April 29, 2017 [1 favorite]


On the one hand, I want to say kudos to you for asking this and not taking a few decades of sleeping with people to fumblingly figure it out, which seems to be the normal method.

On the other hand, maybe don't be too eager to have all the answers? One of the nice things about early sexual experiences is that everything is new and no one has a plan or a lot of preconceived ideas about how sex is done.

I kind of miss that. At my age, I seem to only get chatted up by people who already have pretty concrete ideas about sex and how it "should" go. I run into issues like men being judgy about what I like, as if it says something horrible about me. (I am incredibly vanilla. But some men make me feel like a baby killer about it.)

Then, if you do get into a serious relationship, you can read "The joy of sex" (volumes 1 & 2) together and let it spark conversation about what you would like to be doing. Lots of solid information about a wide range of normal.
posted by Michele in California at 11:44 AM on April 29, 2017 [4 favorites]


Seconding amateur porn. I've tried porn before, and the clear evidence of how badly it was poisoning my soul was when I (re-)discovered amateur porn again, and watching a man and woman who clearly cared about each other while having sex made me cry instead of orgasm. That made me realize how disconnected it can make a person within themselves. YMMV.
posted by human ecologist at 2:07 PM on April 29, 2017 [4 favorites]


There is already an abundance of great information here so I will just add - if you ejaculate somewhere that leaves a mess, offer to help clean up. Don't just throw them a box of tissues and leave them laying there covered in your business.

You'd think this was an obvious sort of thing but apparently, it is not.
posted by BeeJiddy at 3:36 PM on April 29, 2017 [3 favorites]


There's also a lot of porn out there by queer people for queer people with maybe higher-than-amateur production values (lighting, set, focus, non-shakycam) that features all kinds of bodies and gender presentations and techniques and interests/kinks/preferences that also models responsible safe sex and consent/negotiation (though not necessarily a ton of talking). The Crash Pad series is one example, you can search around for scenes that might interest you and pick and choose. There's some excellent examples there of sex that isn't traditionally p-in-v, so you can see what it looks like when people decide together what constitutes sex for them on that day and time instead of having to choose from a few canned presets.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:52 PM on April 29, 2017 [1 favorite]


I find it odd that a 30 year old person, presumably raised in western, sex-saturated modernity, has somehow both seen a lot of porn, yet been so sheltered from popular culture as to have no inkling what goes on in between the kiss and the cut-to-post-coitus of a PG rated sitcom.

There are multitudes of television shows and movies that show couples in all stages of coitus- before, during and after. Genitals are hidden, and foreplay is often glossed over, but the basic procedure of conventional sex is pretty well explored. In romantic comedies and romantic dramas particularly, but not exclusively. Maybe you should watch a couple of sex-themed romantic comedies and romances or something, (Friends With Benefits?) though they're unrealistic and problematic in their own ways. You could read some of the "spicy" romance novels with dirty bits, if you can tolerate them. (Not 50 shades though.) They're written by women, to excite women and often have detailed descriptions of every move, kiss and touch from the female point of view. Maybe a different perspective is what you need here. Older ones may be less porn-influenced than newer ones, as our culture is very porn influenced right now.

Really though, I suspect your best bet is to drop the porn/sex media altogether. Just get it out of your mind.

"Normal" sex (basic sex? Essential sex? Vanilla sex? Level 1 sex? Normal seems problematic...) is like making out, only you take your clothes off, keep making out once your clothes are off and then you put a condom on and keep making out with your bits inside of her bits in the missionary position. The standard place for semen is either in a vagina or wherever you'd normally put your semen if you're masturbating.

Making out often consists of kissing, exploring the other person's body with your hands and/or mouth, rubbing bodies and/or or genitals together. Ideally you are excited to get to know this person in this new way and are not rushing through it to get to an orgasm goal.

You aren't going to find a Hollywood movie or show or a book or porno or whatnot that gives you a step by step template of how to perform and communicate because everyone likes different things. This is a duet, not a solo, you'll need to figure it out with your partner.

There's stuff that's sexual in nature that your average person would probably call normal, but might not call sex. That includes oral and manual stimulation of one another to release, but the assumption would be that this is a person you have basic human respect for, so you don't spray something gross all over them unless you know they're ok with it. That's just basic manners.

The same principle can be applied generally.
Is an activity something that could hurt someone's body or feelings? Ask first.
posted by windykites at 7:44 PM on April 29, 2017 [3 favorites]


I finally managed to sit down today and take a look at Girl Sex 101, which is aimed slightly more at (people who identify as) women having sex with (people who identify as) women, but is fully informative for anyone who plans to have sex with people who identify as women and has chapters on flirting, responsibly negotiating sex and boundaries, how to talk about difficult stuff, safe sex options, and then also about physically having sex. I think it would be a really productive and informative read for you.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:40 PM on April 29, 2017 [2 favorites]


The biggest problem for me with people whose sole source of sex ed has been mainstream porn is that they come to think of sex as a clear, algorithmic process instead of something organic, and then disregard their partners' input in favor of running the algorithm to completion.

There are always going to be porn trends that show up in lists of porn-influenced sex acts that either exist because they look good on camera and can be seen and sold, literally "money shots", or because that kink is the flavor of the year. In my college generation it was facials and this ubiquitous way too hard, way too fast tongue flicking the clitoris. A few years earlier, the bad go-to move was tracing the alphabet on a vulva with your tongue, something that had been popularized as a failproof road to orgasm by the movie "Cruel Intentions". A few years later, the obsession was with female ejaculation. Are all of these things bad by themselves? No. I know plenty of women who like to have their partners come on their faces or bodies, or who like really direct clitoral stimulation, or who have fluid producing orgasms. The problem is that all of these sexual techniques were presented as universal hacks to the female orgasm, this kind of ONE WEIRD TRICK!!! style advertising of sexual techniques that would 100% work on all cis female partners-- and if they weren't responding, that meant you just weren't writing the alphabet hard enough. It treats your partner as an object to be used mechanically, not a person you are having an experience with. The porn sex examples I'm giving are a little different from the one in the post you're asking about-- that one seems to be from a porn genre where women's bodies are used as tools or props for men to use (or degrade and abuse) sexually. They must look a certain way and position themselves in a certain way, the point of the encounter is all about the woman and her body as an accessory to the man's experience, and if she doesnt have a Brazilian wax (or whatever) it's not the same product as the dude saw on TV and he's not happy. Sometimes this tilts into more explicitly degrading acts, but the biggest problem I saw in that post was that thr dude was cold and relentless and mechanical and did not care that the Asker was shocked and freaked out and repulsed by what he was doing to her. He wanted to get his and didnt care what his sex partner felt. He was also following a script about that-- that was the kind of porn he was into, porn about men using women to get off. But the primary issue is that he just didn't care. The central thing of "too much porn" sex is that rigid mentality where if your partner doesnt follow the script like the movie, the porn sex guy gets upset and resentful of their partner, instead of treating them like a person with their own desires and preferences.

Anyway. My biggest recommendation actually isn't amateur or queer porn, although those are great and you totally should check them out. It's to take a massage class or workshop. This will teach you the fundamentals of learning to touch and be touched by other people, and how to communicate about touch. Learn how to read and respond to a variety of people's verbal and nonverbal cues--learn what it looks and feels like when someone is cringing away, overwhelmed, soothed, really into what you're doing, bored, whatever. What it looks like for someone to be super sensitive vs wanting or needing roughness, what it looks like when whatever technique you've been taught is just not working for an individual persin and you have to come up with something different. Taking massage or touch workshops mean you're going to be doing all this nonsexually, but it'll give you a good foundation for learning how to be in your body, interacting with a partner physically.

I also want to say that part of exploring your sexuality means you get to discover what kind of sex YOU want and what works for YOU. You're getting a lot of answers here that are bizarrely conservative and heteronormative, like, "missionary sex is the most normal, semen is supposed to go in the vagina, anything else is deviant, depraved, and probably misogynistic" stuff that I was a little surprised to see on the green. If vanilla sex turns out to be what works for you and your future partners, great. But if not, as long as you and your partners are both into it, that doesn't make you shitty porn sex guy.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:11 PM on April 29, 2017 [1 favorite]


I've only had sex with one virgin when we were both in our early 20s (mid 2000s, so well into the internet porn age), and it was actually really nice because he spent such a long time kissing me and touching me (in a gentle make-out-y way) before we got anywhere near touching each others genitals, let alone PIV sex. One thing though. He was clearly surprised when he touched my vulva that I had a protruding (perfectly normal but apparently I'd need surgery to become a mainstream porn star) inner labia. Despite not having seen too many vulvas myself I fortunately had done my research and was perfectly aware that labia come in all shapes and sizes and I affectionately laughed at him and told him that we're not in porn anymore, Dorothy. I did shudder to think what that would have been like if I'd been unaware or younger or more self-conscious though, jeez.

Like kat518 mentioned, real bodies have "flaws" (and smells). You will have consumed a diet of airbrushed advertising, exceptionally conventionally attractive people, and flattering angles without much else to get some balance. Even normal women who are considered very attractive are likely to either have a bit of cellulite and/or slightly lopsided breasts and/or stretch marks (including on their breasts) and/or large nipples compared to those you see in professional porn and/or a bit of a belly, etc. etc. etc. This means you're having real, beautiful sex! There's some great resources here: http://www.metafilter.com/79592/This-is-what-normal-human-genitalia-look-like


In regard to non-porn-y sex tips: neither I or any of my female friends I've spoken too about good PIV sex with new partners have ever said "he went too slowly". He went too hast/jackhammered on the other hand is a common complaint. Also, it's easier in the heat of the moment to tell a guy to go faster than slower- there's sexy dirty talk cliches for "faster" and it's an understood instruction, where as slower can be more awkward and for some reason more poorly understood with a new partner I've found. Unless your partner has told you differently, err on the side of slow IMO- just enjoying being inside her and moving in and out at a leisurely pace, at least at first, and seeing what she responds to.

Finally, the only other thing that stood out about my sex with the virgin was his desire to try porn-y sex moves straight off the bat. Karma Sutra is great if you're both really experienced and into that, or you've talked about it and one person is happy to walk the other through, but there's really no need to complicate things that much on the first (or first few) times otherwise if it's going to add complication or you're just doing it because you think sex has to involve minimum 3 different positions cos porn.
posted by hotcoroner at 10:19 PM on April 29, 2017 [3 favorites]


2nding hotcoroner on familiarising yourself with non-porn bodies. Body positive blogs and forums are a good place to seek out info. Getting used to the absolutely astonishing variety the human body can have is a really great thing. Our perceptions of what is normal these days is so very shallow and warped. Learn to love the diversity. We're living in a time when women feel the need to shave, wax, bleach and even have surgery on their genitals because of porn's influence on everyday sex.
posted by InkDrinker at 8:56 AM on April 30, 2017 [1 favorite]


So, there's this book called "The Joy of Sex" that was first published in like the late 60s, as a riff on "The Joy of Cooking". I used to sneak into mom's room when she was out and read it. It's practical and realistic, and prepared me well, covering everything from the very basics to the fun stuff. (so much so that when I first saw real porn I was aghast.) I'm sure it's been revised a few times in the decades since the version I read was published, but if modern editions aren't useful maybe seek out an early edition.
posted by AliceBlue at 5:25 PM on April 30, 2017 [1 favorite]


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