Sending a child off into the world
March 26, 2017 9:07 AM Subscribe
What did I forget to teach my 19 year old? What will help her adult when she is far, far away? Help me compile a list.
Today, after a conversation with my 19 year old about the dryer not drying, and finding a huge ball of sheets within pillowcases within a duvet cover, I realized that in my desire to raise my children much differently than I was raised might possibly have backfired. I was cooking and doing laundry from about aged 6, and I have basically mothered the hell out of both of my girls up until this point. I am not unhappy with this set up- I like that my girls count on me in a way I could never could on my own mother. However, the kiddo will be heading from our home in Boston, to California, in the fall to go to college, and I realize I need to come up with a list of things that I should go over with her before she goes. What are some things your parents showed you before going to college that helped you adjust? What do you wish you had known? What are some books, articles, apps or websites that might offer her guidance?
Today, after a conversation with my 19 year old about the dryer not drying, and finding a huge ball of sheets within pillowcases within a duvet cover, I realized that in my desire to raise my children much differently than I was raised might possibly have backfired. I was cooking and doing laundry from about aged 6, and I have basically mothered the hell out of both of my girls up until this point. I am not unhappy with this set up- I like that my girls count on me in a way I could never could on my own mother. However, the kiddo will be heading from our home in Boston, to California, in the fall to go to college, and I realize I need to come up with a list of things that I should go over with her before she goes. What are some things your parents showed you before going to college that helped you adjust? What do you wish you had known? What are some books, articles, apps or websites that might offer her guidance?
She needs to know how to make a doctor's (or dentist) appointment - as I heard in this great book.
Related, as a college professor, please explain to her the basics of how her health insurance works. Probably about once a month I'm in a situation where a student needs mental health care but they are afraid to go to student health or student wellness because they think that their visit will become known to their parents (which maybe is true?). And they really don't understand the basics of going to appointments at student health and how it gets paid for.
posted by k8t at 9:25 AM on March 26, 2017 [11 favorites]
Related, as a college professor, please explain to her the basics of how her health insurance works. Probably about once a month I'm in a situation where a student needs mental health care but they are afraid to go to student health or student wellness because they think that their visit will become known to their parents (which maybe is true?). And they really don't understand the basics of going to appointments at student health and how it gets paid for.
posted by k8t at 9:25 AM on March 26, 2017 [11 favorites]
Best answer: I have been keeping a binder of useful information to be given to my kid when they eventually move out. How long to cook meat. Food storage times. Bill tracker. Cleaning schedule. List of addresses of family members.
posted by Ruki at 9:29 AM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 9:29 AM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
- the hazards of Water. If someone leaves a pile of damp towels and gym clothes to fester for a week before washing, they will learn not to do that through terrible experience. and maybe that is the best way to learn, through psychic scarring, as long as they have enough spare cash to buy replacements. but that's more important than any lessons about separating your whites and handwashing your bras, which are only important things if you care about them. DON'T LEAVE DAMP THINGS ALONE is something everyone must know, no matter how cavalier they are about fabrics shrinking and wrinkling.
and mold-and-worse. If you leave a half-full cup of coffee on your desk for long enough you cannot imagine what happens to it. I really feel like this is worth learning on your own through experience, but if your daughter isn't used to doing her own dishes, you could warn her. Tell her also that even though you might think ramen that comes in styrofoam is all made of plastics and won't go bad like biological material, the smell of forgotten ramen is the worst thing in the world and she will never ever be able to forget it ever.
- the necessity of cleaning a refrigerator.
- Not relevant right away if she's going to live in a dorm first year, but taxes, leases, FUSE BOXES, CIRCUIT BREAKERS. The first time I called a landlord to ask about a power problem and he told me to go to the scary wall with the black switches and start flipping them, I thought he was trying to murder me untraceably with electricity.
- that sudden urgent feeling that the evening is getting well underway and you're not nearly drunk enough is the infallible sign that you are a little too drunk.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:30 AM on March 26, 2017 [10 favorites]
and mold-and-worse. If you leave a half-full cup of coffee on your desk for long enough you cannot imagine what happens to it. I really feel like this is worth learning on your own through experience, but if your daughter isn't used to doing her own dishes, you could warn her. Tell her also that even though you might think ramen that comes in styrofoam is all made of plastics and won't go bad like biological material, the smell of forgotten ramen is the worst thing in the world and she will never ever be able to forget it ever.
- the necessity of cleaning a refrigerator.
- Not relevant right away if she's going to live in a dorm first year, but taxes, leases, FUSE BOXES, CIRCUIT BREAKERS. The first time I called a landlord to ask about a power problem and he told me to go to the scary wall with the black switches and start flipping them, I thought he was trying to murder me untraceably with electricity.
- that sudden urgent feeling that the evening is getting well underway and you're not nearly drunk enough is the infallible sign that you are a little too drunk.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:30 AM on March 26, 2017 [10 favorites]
One of the most common times for sexual assault on campus is the week before classes start and particularly for new students. They don't know anyone yet to go to parties with and the allure of partying and promotion of parties is there.
My campus does a lot of campaigns about this but her campus may not.
So, without slut shaming or judgment, real conversations about drinking safely and the buddy system at parties is a good idea. And talk to her about consent. I hope someone else in this thread can post some good resources on this.
I have a student disclose a sexual assault to me probably about every 3 months. And I teach almost exclusively juniors and seniors and usually only about 100-150 students a year. And of course many do not disclose.
posted by k8t at 9:31 AM on March 26, 2017 [21 favorites]
My campus does a lot of campaigns about this but her campus may not.
So, without slut shaming or judgment, real conversations about drinking safely and the buddy system at parties is a good idea. And talk to her about consent. I hope someone else in this thread can post some good resources on this.
I have a student disclose a sexual assault to me probably about every 3 months. And I teach almost exclusively juniors and seniors and usually only about 100-150 students a year. And of course many do not disclose.
posted by k8t at 9:31 AM on March 26, 2017 [21 favorites]
This is interesting, as my mother did the same to me and the result is if I ever had kids I'd be sure to have them doing laundry and cooking at 6, since never learning those skills until I moved out was A Problem. Like a pendulum swinging back and forth.
Can they take transit and read a map? Have you been shuttling them around, are they able to navigate to new locations without assistance?
Can they structure their own time, do they know how long it takes for them to get ready in the morning? If they know they need to be somewhere at a certain time, can they plan on how long it takes to get ready and be there, or do you need to be reminding them and planning for them?
She needs to be able to find a grocery store, get there and shop for food within a budget that will last her long enough that she doesn't have to go to the grocery store every day. Has she ever done that? If you told her what dinner was, is she able to come back with the supplies without your help and planning?
posted by Dynex at 9:33 AM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
Can they take transit and read a map? Have you been shuttling them around, are they able to navigate to new locations without assistance?
Can they structure their own time, do they know how long it takes for them to get ready in the morning? If they know they need to be somewhere at a certain time, can they plan on how long it takes to get ready and be there, or do you need to be reminding them and planning for them?
She needs to be able to find a grocery store, get there and shop for food within a budget that will last her long enough that she doesn't have to go to the grocery store every day. Has she ever done that? If you told her what dinner was, is she able to come back with the supplies without your help and planning?
posted by Dynex at 9:33 AM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: My go-to "leaving home" advice: Get a good file box for important papers. Even in our digital world, the amount of paperwork that life confronts you with is astounding.
posted by The Deej at 9:33 AM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by The Deej at 9:33 AM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
Is she on board with this? If she'd like to know some of these things:
- shop for and prepare a few simple meals
- not all things do well in a washing machine or at hot temperatures and the detergent has dosage instructions on the container
- plastic containers do not belong in a conventional oven
- how to make and attend dr's appointments including how to access mental and sexual health services
- support available from student services
- budgeting funds for the whole term
- will she be driving? If so how does car insurance and basic maintenance work
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:35 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
- shop for and prepare a few simple meals
- not all things do well in a washing machine or at hot temperatures and the detergent has dosage instructions on the container
- plastic containers do not belong in a conventional oven
- how to make and attend dr's appointments including how to access mental and sexual health services
- support available from student services
- budgeting funds for the whole term
- will she be driving? If so how does car insurance and basic maintenance work
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:35 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
There was always the expectation in my house growing up that I would ultimately figure things out on my own if given the right tools. (Example.)
I think that helps a lot when learning basic life skills: you have to figure it out on your own. You can give people a list of steps to follow, but for the most part it won't stick until you actually live it, so just give the best advice you can and give folks what they need to succeed, and let them take it from there. In that way, I was incredibly well prepared for college life, far above and beyond my peers. I never learned to rely on my parents to solve my problems for me, so I just knew I had to do it myself, no matter what it was.
What I remember kids struggling with most though wasn't task-based like how to cook or how to clean, it was the very broad, nebulous stuff like time management, money management, and relationship management. If you don't have any classes after 9am on Tuesdays, what does the rest of your Tuesday look like? If your parents give you $200 whatever cash at the beginning of the quarter, how does that get spent? If your roommate brings a guy back from a party and you're not comfortable sleeping with a stranger in your room all night, how do you handle that?
No freshman's life is ruined by a damp pillowcase. Shit goes off the rails when don't have the experience to navigate (extremely common!) situations like that. If kids have never had to budget their own time or money or solve their own problems before, they're going to be sunk.
I don't know how you solve that with your daughter, but that's what you need to focus on. Not the little stuff like laundry, that'll work itself out.
posted by phunniemee at 9:39 AM on March 26, 2017 [36 favorites]
I think that helps a lot when learning basic life skills: you have to figure it out on your own. You can give people a list of steps to follow, but for the most part it won't stick until you actually live it, so just give the best advice you can and give folks what they need to succeed, and let them take it from there. In that way, I was incredibly well prepared for college life, far above and beyond my peers. I never learned to rely on my parents to solve my problems for me, so I just knew I had to do it myself, no matter what it was.
What I remember kids struggling with most though wasn't task-based like how to cook or how to clean, it was the very broad, nebulous stuff like time management, money management, and relationship management. If you don't have any classes after 9am on Tuesdays, what does the rest of your Tuesday look like? If your parents give you $200 whatever cash at the beginning of the quarter, how does that get spent? If your roommate brings a guy back from a party and you're not comfortable sleeping with a stranger in your room all night, how do you handle that?
No freshman's life is ruined by a damp pillowcase. Shit goes off the rails when don't have the experience to navigate (extremely common!) situations like that. If kids have never had to budget their own time or money or solve their own problems before, they're going to be sunk.
I don't know how you solve that with your daughter, but that's what you need to focus on. Not the little stuff like laundry, that'll work itself out.
posted by phunniemee at 9:39 AM on March 26, 2017 [36 favorites]
Best answer: Take a deep breath. She'll have a phone, google, friends, and an RA. If she doesn't know something, she'll have a lot of resources to figure it out. This is a perfectly good impulse, but you don't have to give her a complete set of adulting skills before August 15th.
Some things that I think students should understand before they start college:
1. A little bit about how debt works. They should know what compound interest is. They should understand basic budgeting stuff and have a rough budget for living expenses and fun stuff.
2. They should know how to do laundry, how to do basic cleaning (ie dust before you use anything wet; wring out your rag or mop rather than using it sopping wet; just basic stuff that you probably take for granted), and make really simple food.
3. They need to realize that in college, they will be expected to be a lot more independent than they were in high school. That pertains to their living situation, but it also pertains to their school work. They should have a system to keep track of assignments, because profs will not always remind them that something is due. They should think about how they will evaluate if they need help, because that's not the prof's responsibility in college.
4. I don't think that freshmen should bring a car to college, but if she is going to have a car, she needs to understand how to maintain it and what to do if something goes wrong.
5. Basic alcohol safety, both for herself but also for people around her. How do you know if someone is sick enough that you need to call 911? What do you do if you're at a party and your friends disappear? How much does she think it's normal to drink in a night? If she is going to drink, how can she do it to minimize the risks to herself?
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 9:39 AM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
Some things that I think students should understand before they start college:
1. A little bit about how debt works. They should know what compound interest is. They should understand basic budgeting stuff and have a rough budget for living expenses and fun stuff.
2. They should know how to do laundry, how to do basic cleaning (ie dust before you use anything wet; wring out your rag or mop rather than using it sopping wet; just basic stuff that you probably take for granted), and make really simple food.
3. They need to realize that in college, they will be expected to be a lot more independent than they were in high school. That pertains to their living situation, but it also pertains to their school work. They should have a system to keep track of assignments, because profs will not always remind them that something is due. They should think about how they will evaluate if they need help, because that's not the prof's responsibility in college.
4. I don't think that freshmen should bring a car to college, but if she is going to have a car, she needs to understand how to maintain it and what to do if something goes wrong.
5. Basic alcohol safety, both for herself but also for people around her. How do you know if someone is sick enough that you need to call 911? What do you do if you're at a party and your friends disappear? How much does she think it's normal to drink in a night? If she is going to drink, how can she do it to minimize the risks to herself?
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 9:39 AM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
Between now and your daughter's college departure, start rotating shopping, cooking, laundering, cleaning, and bill paying chores among each member of your household. Do it by the week if that works or by the day and don't look back. You'll be very glad of this when your children return from college in the future--everybody contributes to the running of the household past a certain age.
posted by Elsie at 9:48 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Elsie at 9:48 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
If she's not leaving until fall, rather than a list perhaps it would be more practical for her to start doing some of these chores now, while you are nearby and able to help as needed. A book like this, however, might make a nice little going-away gift.
That said, on preview I agree with phunniemee. I've messed up laundry and left things to morph into new life forms in the back of the fridge and once didn't properly wrap up baking chocolate before putting it back up in the cabinet (So. Many. Roaches. Such. Screaming.) However, all of these things were fairly easy to fix and rebound from. Undiagnosed ADHD, social anxiety, predatory credit cards and poor time management have cost me much more.
And as a young adult today she has the advantage of the internet, which contains youtube videos on things like how to fold your tee-shirts. Back in my day, if I was doing the laundry and wasn't completely sure if I should wash the towels in hot water or cold water, I had to call a relative or just risk it.
posted by bunderful at 9:51 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
That said, on preview I agree with phunniemee. I've messed up laundry and left things to morph into new life forms in the back of the fridge and once didn't properly wrap up baking chocolate before putting it back up in the cabinet (So. Many. Roaches. Such. Screaming.) However, all of these things were fairly easy to fix and rebound from. Undiagnosed ADHD, social anxiety, predatory credit cards and poor time management have cost me much more.
And as a young adult today she has the advantage of the internet, which contains youtube videos on things like how to fold your tee-shirts. Back in my day, if I was doing the laundry and wasn't completely sure if I should wash the towels in hot water or cold water, I had to call a relative or just risk it.
posted by bunderful at 9:51 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
If she's going to be cooking (that is, not living in a dorm with a meal plan), she might benefit from Mark Bittman's How to Cook Everything: The Basics. There's also a How to Cook Everything app.
Also, if she hasn't done much cleaning, some basic household cleaning advice might be useful. For example, as a teenager, I didn't know that you shouldn't mix bleach with vinegar or ammonia. Tips on removing stains from clothes are good, too.
posted by neushoorn at 9:52 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Also, if she hasn't done much cleaning, some basic household cleaning advice might be useful. For example, as a teenager, I didn't know that you shouldn't mix bleach with vinegar or ammonia. Tips on removing stains from clothes are good, too.
posted by neushoorn at 9:52 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Useful advice I did get:
Credit cards should be paid off every month; if you can't do that, you can't afford what you're buying. (They will offer lovely sounding 0% interest but it's a bad idea in the long run)
If you need something from a customer service person (anyone from post office to the IRS), start out by asking nicely. Mean is always an option later.
How to change a tire (useful even if she won't have her own car; I used this on my then-boyfriend's car)
Once I moved to an apartment: my own set of tools and the knowledge to use them (hammer, drill, etc). Esp. as a young woman it was pretty great to just fix things myself. (or if getting help, to be able to say "why yes I have that size allen wrench")
What I wish I'd gotten, but didn't:
How to deal with humidity (I grew up in CO which is dry; I didn't realize how many things I took for granted wouldn't work outside of that environs. So you may have some Boston-specific techniques which she won't realize don't work in CA!)
A trusted adult that I could ask questions of. Some thing kids aren't going to bring to their parents (particularly in my case anything that didn't fit their morality).
Resilience against failure (how to pick yourself up and try again after failing- my folks preferred to pretend that failure didn't happen, and I hadn't run into it too much myself before college)
Bike maintenance basics
posted by nat at 9:53 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Credit cards should be paid off every month; if you can't do that, you can't afford what you're buying. (They will offer lovely sounding 0% interest but it's a bad idea in the long run)
If you need something from a customer service person (anyone from post office to the IRS), start out by asking nicely. Mean is always an option later.
How to change a tire (useful even if she won't have her own car; I used this on my then-boyfriend's car)
Once I moved to an apartment: my own set of tools and the knowledge to use them (hammer, drill, etc). Esp. as a young woman it was pretty great to just fix things myself. (or if getting help, to be able to say "why yes I have that size allen wrench")
What I wish I'd gotten, but didn't:
How to deal with humidity (I grew up in CO which is dry; I didn't realize how many things I took for granted wouldn't work outside of that environs. So you may have some Boston-specific techniques which she won't realize don't work in CA!)
A trusted adult that I could ask questions of. Some thing kids aren't going to bring to their parents (particularly in my case anything that didn't fit their morality).
Resilience against failure (how to pick yourself up and try again after failing- my folks preferred to pretend that failure didn't happen, and I hadn't run into it too much myself before college)
Bike maintenance basics
posted by nat at 9:53 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Most of the adulting stuff she can figure out on her own without awful consequences. I'd prioritize:
- she can always call you and get nonjudgmental advice.
- assertiveness and equitable relationships: you probably have a good sense of how her friendships/relationships are going now, could she use some reminders to make sure her own needs get met and that it's fine to set whatever boundaries she wants? There are lots of articles about this on sites targeted at young women, maybe sending a link would be a low-pressure way to open this up
- alcohol: a friend said that her dad made her a few different mixed drinks before she went to college, so she'd know what they should taste like and how alcohol affected her, which struck me as a good idea. Eating before going out drinking. Going out with friends and not leaving anyone alone/stranded.
- credit: using credit wisely, developing a credit history, compound interest
posted by momus_window at 9:57 AM on March 26, 2017 [8 favorites]
- she can always call you and get nonjudgmental advice.
- assertiveness and equitable relationships: you probably have a good sense of how her friendships/relationships are going now, could she use some reminders to make sure her own needs get met and that it's fine to set whatever boundaries she wants? There are lots of articles about this on sites targeted at young women, maybe sending a link would be a low-pressure way to open this up
- alcohol: a friend said that her dad made her a few different mixed drinks before she went to college, so she'd know what they should taste like and how alcohol affected her, which struck me as a good idea. Eating before going out drinking. Going out with friends and not leaving anyone alone/stranded.
- credit: using credit wisely, developing a credit history, compound interest
posted by momus_window at 9:57 AM on March 26, 2017 [8 favorites]
My daughter was flummoxed by needing quarters to do laundry. She could never seem to acquire enough. Until I went to the bank and bought a roll for her. She did not know that one could go into a bank and get your choice of coins.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 9:57 AM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by SuperSquirrel at 9:57 AM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
So many good pieces of advice.
What a dean of students said in my orientation: "Go to your classes. Even-- especially-- if you are behind on the assignments. And if you have missed some classes, go see the professor. They won't be angry; they will be glad you came back sooner rather than later." I think that last part was probably more true at my expensive, undergraduate-oriented college than at some others, but still it is in her interest not to hit the panic button over getting into some kind of academic hole. It's not going to kill you. In fact, for most people the sooner you get into the mindset that you are their for YOUR benefit and to ask how you can get the most out of your classes, the better.
posted by BibiRose at 10:03 AM on March 26, 2017 [6 favorites]
What a dean of students said in my orientation: "Go to your classes. Even-- especially-- if you are behind on the assignments. And if you have missed some classes, go see the professor. They won't be angry; they will be glad you came back sooner rather than later." I think that last part was probably more true at my expensive, undergraduate-oriented college than at some others, but still it is in her interest not to hit the panic button over getting into some kind of academic hole. It's not going to kill you. In fact, for most people the sooner you get into the mindset that you are their for YOUR benefit and to ask how you can get the most out of your classes, the better.
posted by BibiRose at 10:03 AM on March 26, 2017 [6 favorites]
Does she know how to send mail? My mom works at a college help desk and she is always scandalized by how many students have never sent correspondence. How do you address an envelope? Where do you get that envelope? Where do you get stamps and where do you put them? I always thought it was silly, but my 17 year old niece was never told.
I was pretty self sufficient and grew up with the internet so I was able to figure out how to do things, but money advice would have been appreciated. Well that's not true. I wouldn't have listened. BUT looking back, I wish I had gotten a money talk or two. How credit works. How to check your credit. If she's taking out school loans, understanding how expensive those loans will be and how much she will typically make when she leaves school. How much typical cheap rent costs and what a security deposit is. I would have saved a lot more if I had realized how expensive things were when you're only making $12/hr. or whatever.
Seconding how to take the bus/read a map. I know a few friends who had never pumped gas before.
Agreed also on assertiveness. Make sure it's clear she can always say no. If she's with people that make her do things she doesn't want to do, maybe it's time to find some new friends.
posted by Bistyfrass at 10:14 AM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
I was pretty self sufficient and grew up with the internet so I was able to figure out how to do things, but money advice would have been appreciated. Well that's not true. I wouldn't have listened. BUT looking back, I wish I had gotten a money talk or two. How credit works. How to check your credit. If she's taking out school loans, understanding how expensive those loans will be and how much she will typically make when she leaves school. How much typical cheap rent costs and what a security deposit is. I would have saved a lot more if I had realized how expensive things were when you're only making $12/hr. or whatever.
Seconding how to take the bus/read a map. I know a few friends who had never pumped gas before.
Agreed also on assertiveness. Make sure it's clear she can always say no. If she's with people that make her do things she doesn't want to do, maybe it's time to find some new friends.
posted by Bistyfrass at 10:14 AM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
It _is_ our job to take care of our friends, to a point, as long as those friends recognize that responsibility is reciprocal.
People can easily form attachments to you especially when you are young. It's not your job to honor all those attachments, but it is your job to make your own feelings clear when the time is right, even if those feelings are "I'm not sure".
posted by amtho at 10:18 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
People can easily form attachments to you especially when you are young. It's not your job to honor all those attachments, but it is your job to make your own feelings clear when the time is right, even if those feelings are "I'm not sure".
posted by amtho at 10:18 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Professor here. If you have been monitoring and helping with her school work, you should give her some strategies for doing this herself. Also, she should be prepared to recognize that she needs and seek out academic help. Her profs will not do this for her. Also, we tend to look on students blaming their parents for not waking them up on time via phone very poorly. I will not speak to parents about student work. Prepare her to take initiative in that area as well.
posted by songs_about_rainbows at 10:24 AM on March 26, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by songs_about_rainbows at 10:24 AM on March 26, 2017 [7 favorites]
finding a huge ball of sheets within pillowcases within a duvet cover,
I just wanted to say that I have had this happen to me a few times when I was your daughter's age, and basically I figured it out by trial and error.
So one important skill, because you can't teach everything, is to teach someone how, when something doesn't work, how to diagnose the problem and figure out how to get it right, instead of throwing up your hands and declaring yourself unable to solve the problem and blaming something else.
posted by deanc at 10:27 AM on March 26, 2017 [7 favorites]
I just wanted to say that I have had this happen to me a few times when I was your daughter's age, and basically I figured it out by trial and error.
So one important skill, because you can't teach everything, is to teach someone how, when something doesn't work, how to diagnose the problem and figure out how to get it right, instead of throwing up your hands and declaring yourself unable to solve the problem and blaming something else.
posted by deanc at 10:27 AM on March 26, 2017 [7 favorites]
Things that my mom taught me that were very useful in my transition to a reasonably responsible adult:
- Money advice money advice money advice. SO important.
- How to do basic chores. I am nowhere near the neat freak my mom and grandmom are, but I can do a reasonably good job of keeping my apartment clean. Ikea also has a basic toolkit I found SUPER useful.
- Simple cooking. If she is living in a dorm, she may not need this, but it would still be good to take her along on a couple of grocery shopping trips and point out simple/healthy snacks she can make in a dorm.
- How to take public transport, if it exists where she is and she'll be dependent on it. I literally wound up creating a flyer for new students at my school because so many of them didn't have the first clue there was a bus.
- My mom did not teach me this, but it was invaluable: time management. A planner saved my ass in graduate school and would have been SUPER useful in undergrad, too. Plus they're fun to decorate.
- I agree with the advice upthread about alcohol. It was never a forbidden thing in my house and I think that really kept me from developing unhealthy drinking habits.
posted by Tamanna at 10:30 AM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
- Money advice money advice money advice. SO important.
- How to do basic chores. I am nowhere near the neat freak my mom and grandmom are, but I can do a reasonably good job of keeping my apartment clean. Ikea also has a basic toolkit I found SUPER useful.
- Simple cooking. If she is living in a dorm, she may not need this, but it would still be good to take her along on a couple of grocery shopping trips and point out simple/healthy snacks she can make in a dorm.
- How to take public transport, if it exists where she is and she'll be dependent on it. I literally wound up creating a flyer for new students at my school because so many of them didn't have the first clue there was a bus.
- My mom did not teach me this, but it was invaluable: time management. A planner saved my ass in graduate school and would have been SUPER useful in undergrad, too. Plus they're fun to decorate.
- I agree with the advice upthread about alcohol. It was never a forbidden thing in my house and I think that really kept me from developing unhealthy drinking habits.
posted by Tamanna at 10:30 AM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
BIRTH CONTROL BIRTH CONTROL BIRTH CONTROL
posted by praemunire at 10:36 AM on March 26, 2017 [26 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 10:36 AM on March 26, 2017 [26 favorites]
What to do if you have an infestation of mice/rats, and how to safely remove one that has died in your house.
posted by capricorn at 11:07 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by capricorn at 11:07 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
I interview and hire new college grads and I find a huge gap between people have worked with clients or customers and those who haven't. Just a few months at a retail job seems to add years of maturity.
posted by tofu_crouton at 11:08 AM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by tofu_crouton at 11:08 AM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I wish someone explained credit cards to me (namely that I would be beating off the offers with sticks and they were all too good to be true.)
Personally I was grateful for true independence and needed to experience all the laundry, hangover, make your own appointments stuff on my own.
Campuses are a lot more...parental these days-- a lot has changed since we were in school. I was surprised when I last visited my school recently how self-contained it had become, and how much more involved the parents were. This might comfort you but it made me glad to have gone during a wilder time :)
My roommate had made a chart listing how much a single class would cost, which was really effective in getting me to actually go, because I was paying for it.
posted by kapers at 11:12 AM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
Personally I was grateful for true independence and needed to experience all the laundry, hangover, make your own appointments stuff on my own.
Campuses are a lot more...parental these days-- a lot has changed since we were in school. I was surprised when I last visited my school recently how self-contained it had become, and how much more involved the parents were. This might comfort you but it made me glad to have gone during a wilder time :)
My roommate had made a chart listing how much a single class would cost, which was really effective in getting me to actually go, because I was paying for it.
posted by kapers at 11:12 AM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
This isn't a basic life skill but I strongly recommend that all students try to take at least 2 classes that are relatively small (for their school) with a PhD holding professor.
Nearly every few weeks I'm asked for a letter of recommendation from a student that I had in a 100+ person class. I don't know them. I haven't read their papers. I have virtually nothing to say in a recommendation letter other than reporting the grade they got and adding the context of where that grade sat versus other grades in the class.
posted by k8t at 11:16 AM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
Nearly every few weeks I'm asked for a letter of recommendation from a student that I had in a 100+ person class. I don't know them. I haven't read their papers. I have virtually nothing to say in a recommendation letter other than reporting the grade they got and adding the context of where that grade sat versus other grades in the class.
posted by k8t at 11:16 AM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
Being disgusted by something is not a reason to not do it.
If you don't know how to do something, seek out multiple sources to learn how (don't just believe the first solution).
Lying for convenience has serious long-term ramifications.
posted by amtho at 11:21 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
If you don't know how to do something, seek out multiple sources to learn how (don't just believe the first solution).
Lying for convenience has serious long-term ramifications.
posted by amtho at 11:21 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Teach her how to use Excel and make a budget. Have her start following it now. Similarly have her start taking on some household chores now. And your other kids too, good lord, they are old enough! You should be sitting in the living room with your feet up while they run the place for you.
posted by fshgrl at 11:47 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 11:47 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I am late to this but as someone who literally went through this process just a couple of years ago, here's what I have to add:
*On cooking: recipes are helpful (particularly batch/cheap/quick recipes), but google-able. More important is that she knows the basics of handling a knife, how to judge if something's cooked properly, how to saute, etc- these things are much harder to figure out online. Make a few meals together and coach her through them. Bonus- you spend time together.
*She can probably google something like "how to do laundry", more important is that she knows what to google. Make sure she knows the basics of keeping a household together- that she needs to vacuum, dust, etc- and how often to do them.
*On budgeting- give her an idea of how much things (should) cost. I had no idea how much I should be spending on groceries on a given week at first and veered from spending way too little and starving myself to spending way too much and hating myself. When it comes to groceries especially, teach her the importance of a good pantry and staples and how to maximize a dollar by buying complementary ingredients (aka if you're buying basil for one dish, basil goes bad quickly, so make a few other dishes that also incorporate basil).
*Set expectations now for how often you want her to call home.
*The MOST IMPORTANT piece of advice I wish I could give to my freshman self: pace yourself. Don't try to do everything you can possibly do in college, it is FAR better to devote yourself deeply to a few things. Don't compare yourself with the people who are doing the best and feel bad about yourself- usually they have advantages you aren't aware of. If your grades are mostly good, you're involved in a few things you like doing, you have an eye towards life after graduation and are doing things in preparation- you are doing great.
(But- still, try everything once, especially things you don't like, this is a time for exploration. Just don't stick to everything you try, you'll overwhelm yourself.)
*The second most important piece: if you are truly struggling with a class, drop it, and don't feel ashamed about it. An F is worse.
posted by perplexion at 11:52 AM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
*On cooking: recipes are helpful (particularly batch/cheap/quick recipes), but google-able. More important is that she knows the basics of handling a knife, how to judge if something's cooked properly, how to saute, etc- these things are much harder to figure out online. Make a few meals together and coach her through them. Bonus- you spend time together.
*She can probably google something like "how to do laundry", more important is that she knows what to google. Make sure she knows the basics of keeping a household together- that she needs to vacuum, dust, etc- and how often to do them.
*On budgeting- give her an idea of how much things (should) cost. I had no idea how much I should be spending on groceries on a given week at first and veered from spending way too little and starving myself to spending way too much and hating myself. When it comes to groceries especially, teach her the importance of a good pantry and staples and how to maximize a dollar by buying complementary ingredients (aka if you're buying basil for one dish, basil goes bad quickly, so make a few other dishes that also incorporate basil).
*Set expectations now for how often you want her to call home.
*The MOST IMPORTANT piece of advice I wish I could give to my freshman self: pace yourself. Don't try to do everything you can possibly do in college, it is FAR better to devote yourself deeply to a few things. Don't compare yourself with the people who are doing the best and feel bad about yourself- usually they have advantages you aren't aware of. If your grades are mostly good, you're involved in a few things you like doing, you have an eye towards life after graduation and are doing things in preparation- you are doing great.
(But- still, try everything once, especially things you don't like, this is a time for exploration. Just don't stick to everything you try, you'll overwhelm yourself.)
*The second most important piece: if you are truly struggling with a class, drop it, and don't feel ashamed about it. An F is worse.
posted by perplexion at 11:52 AM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Honestly, I've been planning on starting a blog on this very topic because I was a kid that was taught next to nothing by my parents (due to abuse, not well-meaning mothering), and I've been floundering through life figuring it out myself. And while I agree with problem solving and working things out for yourself, one thing to remember is that sometimes you won't even realize you need to research or look something up, and you'll either a) mess it up once, realize you messed up, figure out how to fix it, or b) mess it up once, realize you messed up, and not be sure how to fix it because you don't have the framework for how to research the problem, or c) not even realize you've messed up and continue messing it up until someone points it out to you. You'd be surprised how often b and c happen.
A lot of the things I'm suggesting are ones that took me much longer to learn than they should have because even though I'm very good at researching and problem solving, if I don't have the framework or language to talk about it, I can't find an answer. It'll be easier with your daughter because she'll have you to go to if she has problems, but I don't think it's a bad thing to give her this stuff to start with, so instead of wasting time figuring out little things, she can focus on broader life problems.
Some things I would have loved to have been taught:
- How to figure out what's a good price at the grocery store. Seriously, I still don't know this. I see all these money-saving tips on "don't buy x unless it's a good price!" What's a good price?! I have no idea how much chicken should cost! I've researched this multiple times and still haven't figured it out.
- All of the basic stuff having to do with owning a car. Oil changes, emissions tests and license plate renewals, getting new tires. This is critical because a lot of this stuff I had no idea I needed to do, and would have probably gone until I destroyed my car if my partner's parents hadn't stepped in. I'd also advise you to to teach her what the process looks like as well. Sure, she can figure it out by herself, but I know that not knowing anything about the process paralyzed me for a lot of these tasks (probably largely due to ADHD and autism--but both of these are undiagnosed, so please don't assume your daughter will never struggle with neurodivergence). I didn't know if I needed to make an appointment for an oil change, or if I needed specific paperwork for an emissions tests, or what materials I needed to get my license plates renewed. For all of these topics I did internet research but got conflicting or unhelpful answers. Again, since she has you to go to, this isn't as big a priority, but it's really simple and quick information so it wouldn't hurt to tell her.
- The ACTUAL benefits of good sleep hygiene. I was just told to go to bed "because I said so" and it took me a long time to realize that setting a bed time and night time routine and getting nine hours of sleep made a SIGNIFICANT difference on my life. One thing to stress in college is that unless you're working two jobs and trying to graduate early (a situation you should never put yourself in), it's a myth that you don't have enough time to get decent sleep. The truth is, if you get decent sleep, you will have more time. You'll be more awake in classes, able to focus better, and less easily distracted. This means you don't have to spend as much time studying, and you get homework and papers done a lot faster. Most people "know" they need more sleep, but very few realize that there's this semi-paradox where getting more sleep makes it easier to get more sleep. Stress this before she even starts college, because if you START with good sleep, it's much easier than trying to get good sleep when you're swamped because you haven't been getting good sleep and subsequently taking way more time to do everything.
- Self care and taking time for yourself as a mandatory part of daily routine. There's often this belief, especially in college, that taking time for yourself is only a thing you do when you have literally nothing else to be doing, otherwise you're wasting time. This isn't true. You need to take time for yourself in order to be your most productive. Breaks are important. I specifically schedule time in my day to do things I want to do, such as reading and playing video games and knitting. Again, something that took me a long time to learn.
- Making batches of food in advance. This was something I didn't discover into well into college because my mother cooked dinner pretty much every night for most of my childhood (usually trying out lots of new recipes). Tell her that any time she makes dinner, as long as it's a recipe she's tried before and knows she'll like, she should ALWAYS make more than she'll eat. Always shoot for leftovers. These are indispensable for college students, either for lunches or for dinners when things get too hectic to cook. Figuring this out saved me a LOT of money.
- Bank accounts and money handling, as people mentioned. But some specific things: teach her how to use checks, even though they're becoming obsolete, because there's still people who use them. Also teach her that even if she thinks she's never going to use checks, she IS going to use her bank account number for jobs, Paypal, etc. and the easiest way to find that is by having a checkbook. Teach her what to do if her card is lost or stolen.
- Some specific things on laundry: if your house doesn't already do this, suggest she use three baskets--one for colors, one for whites, and one for delicates. Show her how much is "too full" for the washer or dryer. Tell her what to do if the washer isn't draining. Tell her how long laundry can stay wet before it will get moldy--e.g. if she forgets about if for a couple hours, is it okay (yes)? What about overnight (no)? These are all things that if someone hadn't pointed them out to me, I wouldn't have thought about it, and subsequently never would have learned.
- Remind her that dishes are much harder to get clean if you leave them for days. Teach her to at least rinse them out right after she uses them. Tell her how to take care of Teflon and other special materials.
- Teach her how to clean out multiple different types of clogs: toilet, sink, shower, etc.
- Seconding dentist and doctor appointments. Also tell her how frequently she should get checkups, and how to get referrals to new doctors if needed.
- Seconding health insurance as well, but also teach her how to talk to the insurance company (as much as you can, since that's basically a mess even when you're an adult). Remind her that if she gets a bill from the hospital she doesn't need to pay it immediately, and she should call the hospital to get an itemized bill and also confirm whether or not the insurance company has applied their payment yet or not. Remind her to call the insurance company any time the bill seems unreasonably high, mistakes happen very often. Also teach her about precertification, and how to document insurance calls.
- Have her create either a folder or a document (I use the secure notes feature in 1Password) to record personal information such as a list of addresses and how long she's lived at them, past jobs with supervisors names and phone numbers, dates of doctor visits and medications started, anything she might need to fill out paperwork in the future.
- Seconding time management. If she's tech savvy, suggest Google Calendar.
- TEACH HER ABOUT CFL BULBS. My partner broke one in the room we rent, and I had no idea they could be dangerous. I would have just picked up the pieces and went on with my life in blissful ignorance if said partner did not know that CFL bulbs are dangerous. There's probably other stuff that's dangerous that I don't know about, so... any day-to-day item that could be dangerous, tell her about, just in case.
- This one I kind of knew on my own, but so many of my classmates don't: tell her that if you miss a class, contact the professor and find out what you missed. Please! They will not be annoyed, they want to help you. They WILL be annoyed if you go "oh, I didn't know that was assigned 'cause I wasn't there." You don't need to give a long justified explanation. If you're sick, just say, "I'm sick and can't make it to class, can you let me know if I've missed any announcements/assignments/etc. (tailor for what is expected in the class)." If it's more personal just say that you can't make it to class and leave it at that.
- Seconding birth control, but if she goes on birth control you also absolutely must tell her that she does NOT need to have a period while on birth control. The week you "skip" and have a period is not an actual period; it's withdrawal bleeding. It is NOT medically necessary WHATSOEVER, and is only there because the creators thought women would find it more "natural" to have a period every month. Have her talk to her gyno first, but let her know that continuous birth control is an option, and that she literally does not need to have a period again. This was lifesaving in college.
All of that said, your daughter is not going to crash and burn if she doesn't learn all of this. Like I said, I've been struggling with these things my entire life. I'm doing fine. But if I didn't have to struggle with these things for so long, I would have had more time to put into my personal hobbies, or social life, or whatever gets put by the wayside when life gets hectic. Again, being there as a resource is going to give her a big leg up. She's going to be fine, but I commend you for doing your best to prepare her.
posted by brook horse at 11:56 AM on March 26, 2017 [10 favorites]
A lot of the things I'm suggesting are ones that took me much longer to learn than they should have because even though I'm very good at researching and problem solving, if I don't have the framework or language to talk about it, I can't find an answer. It'll be easier with your daughter because she'll have you to go to if she has problems, but I don't think it's a bad thing to give her this stuff to start with, so instead of wasting time figuring out little things, she can focus on broader life problems.
Some things I would have loved to have been taught:
- How to figure out what's a good price at the grocery store. Seriously, I still don't know this. I see all these money-saving tips on "don't buy x unless it's a good price!" What's a good price?! I have no idea how much chicken should cost! I've researched this multiple times and still haven't figured it out.
- All of the basic stuff having to do with owning a car. Oil changes, emissions tests and license plate renewals, getting new tires. This is critical because a lot of this stuff I had no idea I needed to do, and would have probably gone until I destroyed my car if my partner's parents hadn't stepped in. I'd also advise you to to teach her what the process looks like as well. Sure, she can figure it out by herself, but I know that not knowing anything about the process paralyzed me for a lot of these tasks (probably largely due to ADHD and autism--but both of these are undiagnosed, so please don't assume your daughter will never struggle with neurodivergence). I didn't know if I needed to make an appointment for an oil change, or if I needed specific paperwork for an emissions tests, or what materials I needed to get my license plates renewed. For all of these topics I did internet research but got conflicting or unhelpful answers. Again, since she has you to go to, this isn't as big a priority, but it's really simple and quick information so it wouldn't hurt to tell her.
- The ACTUAL benefits of good sleep hygiene. I was just told to go to bed "because I said so" and it took me a long time to realize that setting a bed time and night time routine and getting nine hours of sleep made a SIGNIFICANT difference on my life. One thing to stress in college is that unless you're working two jobs and trying to graduate early (a situation you should never put yourself in), it's a myth that you don't have enough time to get decent sleep. The truth is, if you get decent sleep, you will have more time. You'll be more awake in classes, able to focus better, and less easily distracted. This means you don't have to spend as much time studying, and you get homework and papers done a lot faster. Most people "know" they need more sleep, but very few realize that there's this semi-paradox where getting more sleep makes it easier to get more sleep. Stress this before she even starts college, because if you START with good sleep, it's much easier than trying to get good sleep when you're swamped because you haven't been getting good sleep and subsequently taking way more time to do everything.
- Self care and taking time for yourself as a mandatory part of daily routine. There's often this belief, especially in college, that taking time for yourself is only a thing you do when you have literally nothing else to be doing, otherwise you're wasting time. This isn't true. You need to take time for yourself in order to be your most productive. Breaks are important. I specifically schedule time in my day to do things I want to do, such as reading and playing video games and knitting. Again, something that took me a long time to learn.
- Making batches of food in advance. This was something I didn't discover into well into college because my mother cooked dinner pretty much every night for most of my childhood (usually trying out lots of new recipes). Tell her that any time she makes dinner, as long as it's a recipe she's tried before and knows she'll like, she should ALWAYS make more than she'll eat. Always shoot for leftovers. These are indispensable for college students, either for lunches or for dinners when things get too hectic to cook. Figuring this out saved me a LOT of money.
- Bank accounts and money handling, as people mentioned. But some specific things: teach her how to use checks, even though they're becoming obsolete, because there's still people who use them. Also teach her that even if she thinks she's never going to use checks, she IS going to use her bank account number for jobs, Paypal, etc. and the easiest way to find that is by having a checkbook. Teach her what to do if her card is lost or stolen.
- Some specific things on laundry: if your house doesn't already do this, suggest she use three baskets--one for colors, one for whites, and one for delicates. Show her how much is "too full" for the washer or dryer. Tell her what to do if the washer isn't draining. Tell her how long laundry can stay wet before it will get moldy--e.g. if she forgets about if for a couple hours, is it okay (yes)? What about overnight (no)? These are all things that if someone hadn't pointed them out to me, I wouldn't have thought about it, and subsequently never would have learned.
- Remind her that dishes are much harder to get clean if you leave them for days. Teach her to at least rinse them out right after she uses them. Tell her how to take care of Teflon and other special materials.
- Teach her how to clean out multiple different types of clogs: toilet, sink, shower, etc.
- Seconding dentist and doctor appointments. Also tell her how frequently she should get checkups, and how to get referrals to new doctors if needed.
- Seconding health insurance as well, but also teach her how to talk to the insurance company (as much as you can, since that's basically a mess even when you're an adult). Remind her that if she gets a bill from the hospital she doesn't need to pay it immediately, and she should call the hospital to get an itemized bill and also confirm whether or not the insurance company has applied their payment yet or not. Remind her to call the insurance company any time the bill seems unreasonably high, mistakes happen very often. Also teach her about precertification, and how to document insurance calls.
- Have her create either a folder or a document (I use the secure notes feature in 1Password) to record personal information such as a list of addresses and how long she's lived at them, past jobs with supervisors names and phone numbers, dates of doctor visits and medications started, anything she might need to fill out paperwork in the future.
- Seconding time management. If she's tech savvy, suggest Google Calendar.
- TEACH HER ABOUT CFL BULBS. My partner broke one in the room we rent, and I had no idea they could be dangerous. I would have just picked up the pieces and went on with my life in blissful ignorance if said partner did not know that CFL bulbs are dangerous. There's probably other stuff that's dangerous that I don't know about, so... any day-to-day item that could be dangerous, tell her about, just in case.
- This one I kind of knew on my own, but so many of my classmates don't: tell her that if you miss a class, contact the professor and find out what you missed. Please! They will not be annoyed, they want to help you. They WILL be annoyed if you go "oh, I didn't know that was assigned 'cause I wasn't there." You don't need to give a long justified explanation. If you're sick, just say, "I'm sick and can't make it to class, can you let me know if I've missed any announcements/assignments/etc. (tailor for what is expected in the class)." If it's more personal just say that you can't make it to class and leave it at that.
- Seconding birth control, but if she goes on birth control you also absolutely must tell her that she does NOT need to have a period while on birth control. The week you "skip" and have a period is not an actual period; it's withdrawal bleeding. It is NOT medically necessary WHATSOEVER, and is only there because the creators thought women would find it more "natural" to have a period every month. Have her talk to her gyno first, but let her know that continuous birth control is an option, and that she literally does not need to have a period again. This was lifesaving in college.
All of that said, your daughter is not going to crash and burn if she doesn't learn all of this. Like I said, I've been struggling with these things my entire life. I'm doing fine. But if I didn't have to struggle with these things for so long, I would have had more time to put into my personal hobbies, or social life, or whatever gets put by the wayside when life gets hectic. Again, being there as a resource is going to give her a big leg up. She's going to be fine, but I commend you for doing your best to prepare her.
posted by brook horse at 11:56 AM on March 26, 2017 [10 favorites]
There are so many little things to know:
* How to rent an apartment and sign up for utilities and which ones you need to sign up for and how much they cost.
* How to deal with (bad) roommates.
* How to deal with (bad) professors.
* How often to get a vehicle serviced.
* Basic budgeting. Opening a bank account. Making sure you don't overdraw your account. The consequences of taking on debt, especially for non-essentials like a brand new iPhone every year.
* How to cook basic things - eggs, meat (don't undercook!), veggies (don't overcook!), washing greens, picking the best/fresh veggies.
* Not procrastinating on schoolwork.
* Relationship expectations (I know too many people who have settled for emotionally abusive relationships.) - Though I guess this is something you show them rather than tell them.
posted by cnc at 12:02 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
* How to rent an apartment and sign up for utilities and which ones you need to sign up for and how much they cost.
* How to deal with (bad) roommates.
* How to deal with (bad) professors.
* How often to get a vehicle serviced.
* Basic budgeting. Opening a bank account. Making sure you don't overdraw your account. The consequences of taking on debt, especially for non-essentials like a brand new iPhone every year.
* How to cook basic things - eggs, meat (don't undercook!), veggies (don't overcook!), washing greens, picking the best/fresh veggies.
* Not procrastinating on schoolwork.
* Relationship expectations (I know too many people who have settled for emotionally abusive relationships.) - Though I guess this is something you show them rather than tell them.
posted by cnc at 12:02 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
So much great advice above. Depending on what you're daughter is like, she might be more receptive to the lessons if you gave her a list (or maybe just this ask metafilter) and let her pick 1 or 2 each week that she wants to tackle vs. enrolling her in your own prep-her-for-college curriculum.
The other things I would try to expose to her are:
- People at school will probably come from a diversity of backgrounds/experiences and have a diversity of opinions/beliefs/preferences, and for her to become aware of that, how to accept diversity and to be cognizant of not unintentionally alienating people, especially! if she came from a place where most kids grew up in similar environments. Also, I would have her learn that if she's with a bunch of folks that she doesn't jive with, that she will more likely find some other folks at her school that she'll jive with, and that she doesn't have to feel stuck with whatever peer group she first finds.
- Career counseling office, ASAP, and have her start to think about life after college. This is super useful to go early, so she learns that if she wants a summer internship, she needs to do XYZ, prep her resume, learn what employers look for, etc. etc. Her professors are also not necessarily the best at professional career advice. There's a pervasive view amongst professors to really train up folks for graduate studies so they can become part of the academic community just like them! So, something for her to be cognizant of.
- FOMO - fear of missing out -- this is so important to understand. She'll soon be in a place where likely various classmates are doing amazing things (spring break to Barcelona!, internship at NASA, A+++ in English, directing their own student play!), and that she'll likely experience "FOMO", but that there are a ways to deal with it, e.g., therapy through student health, remembering that she shouldn't try to compare her life to the best moments of an entire school population's lives, etc. I felt SOO much of this when I was school that it was paralyzing to feel like I was just the boring person who did homework after dinner and then went to bed on Tuesdays instead of something cool.
posted by ellerhodes at 12:14 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
The other things I would try to expose to her are:
- People at school will probably come from a diversity of backgrounds/experiences and have a diversity of opinions/beliefs/preferences, and for her to become aware of that, how to accept diversity and to be cognizant of not unintentionally alienating people, especially! if she came from a place where most kids grew up in similar environments. Also, I would have her learn that if she's with a bunch of folks that she doesn't jive with, that she will more likely find some other folks at her school that she'll jive with, and that she doesn't have to feel stuck with whatever peer group she first finds.
- Career counseling office, ASAP, and have her start to think about life after college. This is super useful to go early, so she learns that if she wants a summer internship, she needs to do XYZ, prep her resume, learn what employers look for, etc. etc. Her professors are also not necessarily the best at professional career advice. There's a pervasive view amongst professors to really train up folks for graduate studies so they can become part of the academic community just like them! So, something for her to be cognizant of.
- FOMO - fear of missing out -- this is so important to understand. She'll soon be in a place where likely various classmates are doing amazing things (spring break to Barcelona!, internship at NASA, A+++ in English, directing their own student play!), and that she'll likely experience "FOMO", but that there are a ways to deal with it, e.g., therapy through student health, remembering that she shouldn't try to compare her life to the best moments of an entire school population's lives, etc. I felt SOO much of this when I was school that it was paralyzing to feel like I was just the boring person who did homework after dinner and then went to bed on Tuesdays instead of something cool.
posted by ellerhodes at 12:14 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
I wish I had had a copy of (and read) The Gift of Fear.
I wish an older, mature person had taken me to bars and taught me how to drink responsibly, and introduced me to drugs in a safe way (so many bad--and dangerous--experiences could have been avoided if I knew I was not able to smoke pot, for example).
posted by nanook at 12:21 PM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
I wish an older, mature person had taken me to bars and taught me how to drink responsibly, and introduced me to drugs in a safe way (so many bad--and dangerous--experiences could have been avoided if I knew I was not able to smoke pot, for example).
posted by nanook at 12:21 PM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
Since she's moving to California, she may encounter large insects that she's not used to seeing in Boston. I'm not sure how much you can prepare her for this, but let her know about proper food storage and how to clean out areas that bugs are attracted to. I also remember moving to dorms and student housing and not knowing anything about how to handle mice and rodents. I don't think I knew what a mouse dropping looked like. Knowing how to spot and handle signs of a mice infestation would be good if she's been sheltered from that kind of situation.
If she's in a dorm, I'm not sure how much cooking will be necessary. But knowing proper food storage and food safety is good (ex don't store open canned foods in their cans, reheat leftovers carefully, etc.)
posted by areaperson at 12:44 PM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
If she's in a dorm, I'm not sure how much cooking will be necessary. But knowing proper food storage and food safety is good (ex don't store open canned foods in their cans, reheat leftovers carefully, etc.)
posted by areaperson at 12:44 PM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
* Don't microwave your eyebrow wax too long. My freshman roommate did this, the box caught on fire, wax poured out through the hole the fire burned in the box, mass hysteria ensued. On her part. I went to get a spatula from the RA to clean up the mess.
* Also don't microwave leftover Chick-Fil-A sandwiches in their bags. They will also catch on fire. Fortunately, my son got this out of the way early, with only a little hysteria.
* "I'm sorry, but that won't be possible."
* Ask vs Guess culture
* Emotional labor
* http://ask.metafilter.com
* http://www.metafilter.com/home/popularfavoriteall
* http://ask.metafilter.com/home/popularfavoriteall
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 1:15 PM on March 26, 2017 [6 favorites]
* Also don't microwave leftover Chick-Fil-A sandwiches in their bags. They will also catch on fire. Fortunately, my son got this out of the way early, with only a little hysteria.
* "I'm sorry, but that won't be possible."
* Ask vs Guess culture
* Emotional labor
* http://ask.metafilter.com
* http://www.metafilter.com/home/popularfavoriteall
* http://ask.metafilter.com/home/popularfavoriteall
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 1:15 PM on March 26, 2017 [6 favorites]
After teaching sewing for a couple summers, the thing that stood out to me most was the kids' inability to try anything.
If they couldn't do it on the first go, they were done. I suspect this had a lot to do with parents who did things for them based on other behaviors and discussions. I came from a privileged home, but was left to my own devices for the most part.
So things fell into two categories - things they could do and things they couldn't. But life is not like that. As adults, have to do shit we don't like or don't want or don't know all the time. We can't just give up because we can't thread the needle the first time.
So encourage your daughter to problem solve on her own for the next few months, while you're still there to bail her out. You can teach her how to write a check or you can work with her so that she can figure it out on her own. And feel confident that she can do it on her own.
Self confidence comes from knowing you can handle what life throws at you. Does she know how to use public transit? Not to go to an ATM at night? How to find the closest urgent care? Can she get home from a party late at night if she's feeling unsafe?
And fiercely independent as I was, we had housekeepers my whole life. I would have hated my mom for cutting off that privilege six months before I went to school.
But cut it off. And give her more spending money, but she should have to clean the kitchen once a week. Bathrooms too. I hate it, but I wish I'd grown up having to do it. At 47, it's still just barely manageable for me. (Though I learned to do my own laundry when the housekeeper ruined enough clothes.)
posted by crankyrogalsky at 1:21 PM on March 26, 2017 [7 favorites]
If they couldn't do it on the first go, they were done. I suspect this had a lot to do with parents who did things for them based on other behaviors and discussions. I came from a privileged home, but was left to my own devices for the most part.
So things fell into two categories - things they could do and things they couldn't. But life is not like that. As adults, have to do shit we don't like or don't want or don't know all the time. We can't just give up because we can't thread the needle the first time.
So encourage your daughter to problem solve on her own for the next few months, while you're still there to bail her out. You can teach her how to write a check or you can work with her so that she can figure it out on her own. And feel confident that she can do it on her own.
Self confidence comes from knowing you can handle what life throws at you. Does she know how to use public transit? Not to go to an ATM at night? How to find the closest urgent care? Can she get home from a party late at night if she's feeling unsafe?
And fiercely independent as I was, we had housekeepers my whole life. I would have hated my mom for cutting off that privilege six months before I went to school.
But cut it off. And give her more spending money, but she should have to clean the kitchen once a week. Bathrooms too. I hate it, but I wish I'd grown up having to do it. At 47, it's still just barely manageable for me. (Though I learned to do my own laundry when the housekeeper ruined enough clothes.)
posted by crankyrogalsky at 1:21 PM on March 26, 2017 [7 favorites]
tell her that if you miss a class, contact the professor and find out what you missed. Please! They will not be annoyed, they want to help you.
As a professor, my response to this email is, invariably, "please get notes from one of your peers." Part of the transition to college is having the self-reliance to not need your professor to tell you what you missed in class (because yes, you definitely missed something). If this makes me sound cold or unsympathetic to students, trust that I am not. I never respond with the relevant poem.
Do tell her to go to professors' office hours, talk to them, and make sure they know who she is, in case she needs letters of recommendation in the future. In addition to taking small classes with PhD holding professors, which k8t mentioned above, finding ways to engage in one-on-one intellectual conversations with those professors is invaluable.
Also, nthing birth control, sexual assault, consent, and alcohol safety. She'll probably mess up her laundry a few more times (I had a cousin who didn't realize until well into his freshman year that you had to use detergent), but that's okay. Focus on the big stuff that will keep her safe and help her make the most of her college experience both interpersonally and intellectually.
posted by dizziest at 1:36 PM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
As a professor, my response to this email is, invariably, "please get notes from one of your peers." Part of the transition to college is having the self-reliance to not need your professor to tell you what you missed in class (because yes, you definitely missed something). If this makes me sound cold or unsympathetic to students, trust that I am not. I never respond with the relevant poem.
Do tell her to go to professors' office hours, talk to them, and make sure they know who she is, in case she needs letters of recommendation in the future. In addition to taking small classes with PhD holding professors, which k8t mentioned above, finding ways to engage in one-on-one intellectual conversations with those professors is invaluable.
Also, nthing birth control, sexual assault, consent, and alcohol safety. She'll probably mess up her laundry a few more times (I had a cousin who didn't realize until well into his freshman year that you had to use detergent), but that's okay. Focus on the big stuff that will keep her safe and help her make the most of her college experience both interpersonally and intellectually.
posted by dizziest at 1:36 PM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
As a professor, my response to this email is, invariably, "please get notes from one of your peers." Part of the transition to college is having the self-reliance to not need your professor to tell you what you missed in class (because yes, you definitely missed something). If this makes me sound cold or unsympathetic to students, trust that I am not. I never respond with the relevant poem.
I should clarify that I am not talking about the content of the lecture or getting notes, but about changes to due dates or handing out of assignments not on the syllabus. Notes should always be gotten from peers, but in my experience peers are extremely unreliable in remembering whether or not the professor made an announcement such as a change to due date or assigning more work. Definitely do not ask, "Did I miss anything?" (because obviously you did), but "Have there been any changes to the syllabus?" has always been welcomed by my professors.
My standard e-mail (always sent before class as soon as I know I can't make it):
"Hello,
Unfortunately, I will not be able to make it to class today for [stated reason]. I will make sure to get the notes from a classmate, but could you let me know if there are any announcements or changes to the syllabus that I may have missed?
Thank you."
On that note, if your daughter doesn't already have this skill, you should probably teach her how to write a professional e-mail. That's one of those things that some people never learn because no one pointed out to them what is or isn't appropriate.
posted by brook horse at 1:51 PM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
I should clarify that I am not talking about the content of the lecture or getting notes, but about changes to due dates or handing out of assignments not on the syllabus. Notes should always be gotten from peers, but in my experience peers are extremely unreliable in remembering whether or not the professor made an announcement such as a change to due date or assigning more work. Definitely do not ask, "Did I miss anything?" (because obviously you did), but "Have there been any changes to the syllabus?" has always been welcomed by my professors.
My standard e-mail (always sent before class as soon as I know I can't make it):
"Hello,
Unfortunately, I will not be able to make it to class today for [stated reason]. I will make sure to get the notes from a classmate, but could you let me know if there are any announcements or changes to the syllabus that I may have missed?
Thank you."
On that note, if your daughter doesn't already have this skill, you should probably teach her how to write a professional e-mail. That's one of those things that some people never learn because no one pointed out to them what is or isn't appropriate.
posted by brook horse at 1:51 PM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
How to read a map--Being able to locate yourself, all by yourself, without cell coverage, is a superpower.
posted by Jesse the K at 2:06 PM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Jesse the K at 2:06 PM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
Show her how to patch jeans.
Tell her to never, EVER buy a generic or off-brand pressurized spray product.
There are young adults in my apartment building who had to be told how to use a traditional indoor letter box. "Just swing back that part that says "Letters" ("Oooh, it's a door!"), and then you drop in the letter. There! Good!" Unbelievable, and these people are in their 30s.
(One young woman did not know that you could buy rolls of quarters and that you need not go to your own bank.)
This same young woman had never encountered what happens when you turn on a gas burner that relies on an electric-started pilot light. So if you don't have such a stove let her know about that.
Being the person who has and knows how to use simple tools will enable meeting people.
posted by jgirl at 2:20 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Tell her to never, EVER buy a generic or off-brand pressurized spray product.
There are young adults in my apartment building who had to be told how to use a traditional indoor letter box. "Just swing back that part that says "Letters" ("Oooh, it's a door!"), and then you drop in the letter. There! Good!" Unbelievable, and these people are in their 30s.
(One young woman did not know that you could buy rolls of quarters and that you need not go to your own bank.)
This same young woman had never encountered what happens when you turn on a gas burner that relies on an electric-started pilot light. So if you don't have such a stove let her know about that.
Being the person who has and knows how to use simple tools will enable meeting people.
posted by jgirl at 2:20 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Oh, and get her a MeFi subscription and point her to AskMe! I wish that had been around in my 20s and 30s.
posted by jgirl at 2:22 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by jgirl at 2:22 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Maybe between now and when she leaves you should stop doing stuff for her, or at the very least have her do it with you side by side. Laundry, bill paying (she has her own bank account, right?), cooking, and maybe even having a beer with dinner (so she can know what is a normal level of buzzed vs black out drunk). Does she know how to coupon? How to buy groceries? How to cook chicken (I knew a bunch of college students who were convinced they'd die of salmonella if they cooked chicken)? Does she know how to budget? Has she ever had to find the cheap deals, comparison shop etc?
Will she have a car while she is away? Does she know how to change oil? A tire? Call AAA?
All important life skills.
posted by Toddles at 2:53 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Will she have a car while she is away? Does she know how to change oil? A tire? Call AAA?
All important life skills.
posted by Toddles at 2:53 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Oh yeah, and does she know how to clean a toilet?
Life skill 101.
posted by Toddles at 2:55 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Life skill 101.
posted by Toddles at 2:55 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
whatever you do teach her - make it fun, and let her choose what she wants to learn. As a teenager my mom would occasionally teach me how to cook or do different things, I took notes, and did a bunch of the cooking, we would have a glass of wine together and generally had a wonderful time. It was great, because the way she was giving me lessons in being an adult started with treating me like an adult, and like an equal.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:59 PM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:59 PM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
How to set up an account and use Ask Metafilter.
posted by waving at 3:30 PM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by waving at 3:30 PM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
Nthing learning her own body's response to alcohol, that is, building an awareness of what pleasant buzz feels like and whether another drink at that stage leads to prolonging the buzz or passing out. Or whether alcohol just makes one feel ill. I grew up drinking small glasses of wine at meals and later my father offering me tastes of hard liquor. So by the time I got to college I knew not to drink on an empty stomach, and when to stop drinking if I wanted to make it back to my dorm room under my own power.
posted by needled at 3:32 PM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by needled at 3:32 PM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
The one thing I really wished I had known before I needed to know it was how to drive a stick shift. I wound up more than once having to take the chance on an impaired friend getting me home from something, because I literally couldn't drive the car. Manuals are even rarer now, but they're still out there.
Also, just driving period if she doesn't already know how.
posted by current resident at 4:17 PM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
Also, just driving period if she doesn't already know how.
posted by current resident at 4:17 PM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
Make sure you talk her through the logistics of adopting an animal. Often rescues won't adopt animals to college students because their future is too uncertain: they might end up traveling overseas, or have to lodge somewhere that doesn't take pets, or get into a relationship with someone who is allergic, or just abandon the pet because they don't know any better or know what else to do -- and they might be under the mistaken impression that a cat will "hunt for food" and be OK.
posted by amtho at 4:18 PM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by amtho at 4:18 PM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
It was inconvenient when my college housemates didn't know the difference between dish soap and dishwasher detergent, but if I could have picked something for them to learn before going off to school it would have been nonviolent communication, emotional self-care, and related (inter)personal skills. A kitchen flooded with soap suds is WAY better than giving each other the silent treatment or enduring abusive romantic relationships. (Most of my own college fails were in the time management department, which has already been covered pretty well.)
Depending on where she's going, it may be helpful to remind her that campus culture is not the only culture. Volunteering at a non-school-related organization was one of the most important things I did while in college.
posted by sibilatorix at 4:29 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Depending on where she's going, it may be helpful to remind her that campus culture is not the only culture. Volunteering at a non-school-related organization was one of the most important things I did while in college.
posted by sibilatorix at 4:29 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
I can't leave this thread alone, apparently. But this is a good one:
If you leave clothes, towels, dish towels, or anything like that in a damp heap, or even hung up in a bathroom with inadequate ventilation, they will mildew after a while.
The only thing that removes mildew is bleach.
Bleach is not good to breathe -- same for most household cleaners. It's also difficult to wash off your hands and will dry out your skin, and even after you wash your hands, enough may still be on there to bleach your clothes or furniture accidentally.
Bleach weakens fabric fibers. A towel or t-shirt that has been bleached in spots will develop holes in those spots sooner than the rest of the towel.
posted by amtho at 5:25 PM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
If you leave clothes, towels, dish towels, or anything like that in a damp heap, or even hung up in a bathroom with inadequate ventilation, they will mildew after a while.
The only thing that removes mildew is bleach.
Bleach is not good to breathe -- same for most household cleaners. It's also difficult to wash off your hands and will dry out your skin, and even after you wash your hands, enough may still be on there to bleach your clothes or furniture accidentally.
Bleach weakens fabric fibers. A towel or t-shirt that has been bleached in spots will develop holes in those spots sooner than the rest of the towel.
posted by amtho at 5:25 PM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
Actually basic cleaning tips would be incredibly useful - I'm still discovering these. White vinegar to eliminate smells/mold in laundry, when to use bleach, never ever mix bleach and ammonia (and why!) etc.
posted by Toddles at 5:48 PM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 5:48 PM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
Former RA here: do not under any circumstances hang a dress from a fire sprinkler.
Communicate with your roomate
For the love of all that is holy, please shut off tv, radios and alarm clocks when traveling.
Clean occasionally.
For young men: to bring a young woman back to your dorm, covering it in pictures of near and or pornography does not go far.
Packing takes longer than expected.
You need way less than you expect.
Try and sleep. It really is important.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:51 PM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
Communicate with your roomate
For the love of all that is holy, please shut off tv, radios and alarm clocks when traveling.
Clean occasionally.
For young men: to bring a young woman back to your dorm, covering it in pictures of near and or pornography does not go far.
Packing takes longer than expected.
You need way less than you expect.
Try and sleep. It really is important.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:51 PM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
The first semester is really hard for lots of different reasons, but one of the biggest traps is s that some people can't find their own motivation for whatever reason and then get scared of their own parents and so pretend like everything is okay until it is way way to late. There is also just significant adjustments and some people take a little longer than others.
Things for that student to know:
Hypothetical parent reaction if they decide the far away college isn't for them
Hyporthetical reaction if they fail their first semester or decide they need to drop some classes.
Options they may have depending on circumstances.
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:07 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Things for that student to know:
Hypothetical parent reaction if they decide the far away college isn't for them
Hyporthetical reaction if they fail their first semester or decide they need to drop some classes.
Options they may have depending on circumstances.
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:07 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Wow, so many of these things seem obvious to me, and no one ever told me them...
Common laundry - make sure you have coins for it; set a timer on your phone; retrieve it promptly. Otherwise, someone will throw your nice clothes in a soggy pile on the floor (and perhaps steal your expensive delicates).
Credit - how to use it wisely, when to carry a balance (never!), and making sure you schedule your payments.
Communication - how to communicate effectively in writing and on the phone to your landlord, etc. Knowing appropriate ways to contact those parties -- tub draining slowly? Not urgent; send an email; tub knob broke off in your hand and torrents of water are flooding into your tub? Maintenance guy on speed dial.
Communication x2 - how to communicate effectively with your neighbors. I had a neighbor who would disappear for weeks at a time, with her blaring 6am alarm constantly beeping. I unsuccessfully attempted to find the breaker for her unit (small building). Don't be that asshole. Alarms are set on your phone, and your phone travels with you. If your neighbors are doing something annoying, know how to communicate with them in a non-confrontational, calm way. If you're the annoying neighbor with loud music or loud sex, know how to respond in a calm, non-confrontational way that will defuse the situation.
Car - I find it interesting that so many people list basic car maintenance as a necessity. You don't need to know how to do it -- just WHEN to do it. I'm a car nerd, and honestly, if I get a flat tire on the freeway, I'm not going to fix it myself. It's dangerous and messy, and it is more efficient for me to call roadside asssistance. All you need to know about your car is when it needs maintenance (newer cars will tell you; for older cars, keep track of the mileage between oil changes and other common service intervals) and where to go if something isn't right. Dealer if it's under warranty; general tire shop for most common things (tires, noisy brakes, alignment issues, etc.)
Insurance. Health, of course, but of greater importance to most college-age people -- renters insurance. When you rent your first apartment in a century-old building with ungrounded power and a 60A fuse panel with 120A of glass fuses, you'll sleep far better knowing you insurance will cover your MacBook and cute shoes when the building goes up in flames.
Cleaning - imagine your average studio apartment. How do you clean every surface therein? How do you deal with lapses there? If you fail to clean the stove for a year, is it better to spend hours scrubbing the rusted burner trays, or should you just buy a new set at WalMart?
How and when to say no - no, I can't go out tonight; no, I don't want another drink; no, I'm not ready to sleep with you. How to set boundaries.
posted by ortoLANparty at 7:40 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Common laundry - make sure you have coins for it; set a timer on your phone; retrieve it promptly. Otherwise, someone will throw your nice clothes in a soggy pile on the floor (and perhaps steal your expensive delicates).
Credit - how to use it wisely, when to carry a balance (never!), and making sure you schedule your payments.
Communication - how to communicate effectively in writing and on the phone to your landlord, etc. Knowing appropriate ways to contact those parties -- tub draining slowly? Not urgent; send an email; tub knob broke off in your hand and torrents of water are flooding into your tub? Maintenance guy on speed dial.
Communication x2 - how to communicate effectively with your neighbors. I had a neighbor who would disappear for weeks at a time, with her blaring 6am alarm constantly beeping. I unsuccessfully attempted to find the breaker for her unit (small building). Don't be that asshole. Alarms are set on your phone, and your phone travels with you. If your neighbors are doing something annoying, know how to communicate with them in a non-confrontational, calm way. If you're the annoying neighbor with loud music or loud sex, know how to respond in a calm, non-confrontational way that will defuse the situation.
Car - I find it interesting that so many people list basic car maintenance as a necessity. You don't need to know how to do it -- just WHEN to do it. I'm a car nerd, and honestly, if I get a flat tire on the freeway, I'm not going to fix it myself. It's dangerous and messy, and it is more efficient for me to call roadside asssistance. All you need to know about your car is when it needs maintenance (newer cars will tell you; for older cars, keep track of the mileage between oil changes and other common service intervals) and where to go if something isn't right. Dealer if it's under warranty; general tire shop for most common things (tires, noisy brakes, alignment issues, etc.)
Insurance. Health, of course, but of greater importance to most college-age people -- renters insurance. When you rent your first apartment in a century-old building with ungrounded power and a 60A fuse panel with 120A of glass fuses, you'll sleep far better knowing you insurance will cover your MacBook and cute shoes when the building goes up in flames.
Cleaning - imagine your average studio apartment. How do you clean every surface therein? How do you deal with lapses there? If you fail to clean the stove for a year, is it better to spend hours scrubbing the rusted burner trays, or should you just buy a new set at WalMart?
How and when to say no - no, I can't go out tonight; no, I don't want another drink; no, I'm not ready to sleep with you. How to set boundaries.
posted by ortoLANparty at 7:40 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
I think that helps a lot when learning basic life skills: you have to figure it out on your own. You can give people a list of steps to follow, but for the most part it won't stick until you actually live it, so just give the best advice you can and give folks what they need to succeed, and let them take it from there.
Quoted for truth. I've launched 2 of my 3 kids into the world and I could have given them lists and advice but the stone cold truth is they needed to learn things on their own.
Having said that, I did sit both of my adult daughters down and tell them the following:
1. You are smart enough to figure everything out on your own, so I'm not going to give you advice, except for this:
2. NEVER go out drinking without at LEAST TWO safety buddies with whom you all make a blood pact to return home together. Do not go to what seems like a fun party with a bunch of people you meet at a bar. This is how women die.
3. Blackout drunk happens really fucking quickly. Don't ever have more than 3 drinks in an hour, period. No more than 5 per night. Alcohol poisoning and date rape actually happen to smart women.
4. It's really likely that a perfectly "nice guy" may try to rape you. IT HAPPENS. You did NOT lead him on and if you can force him off you, then do. If you can't force him off you, call me as soon as you can. You didn't do anything to deserve this.
5. Accidental pregnancies and birth control failures happen. Your school has a health center. You are not the first person with this story. Go there.
6. Your school has mental health services. Find out where they are and their hours so you're equipped to check in if you ever need it. Chances are, at some point you will want someone to talk to. That's literally why they're there. Use them.
7. Now that you're away from your safety cocoon, get out there and make NEW FRIENDS. Smile at people in your classes. Go out for coffee. Nobody knows anybody. Just go through life with a smile.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:25 AM on March 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
Quoted for truth. I've launched 2 of my 3 kids into the world and I could have given them lists and advice but the stone cold truth is they needed to learn things on their own.
Having said that, I did sit both of my adult daughters down and tell them the following:
1. You are smart enough to figure everything out on your own, so I'm not going to give you advice, except for this:
2. NEVER go out drinking without at LEAST TWO safety buddies with whom you all make a blood pact to return home together. Do not go to what seems like a fun party with a bunch of people you meet at a bar. This is how women die.
3. Blackout drunk happens really fucking quickly. Don't ever have more than 3 drinks in an hour, period. No more than 5 per night. Alcohol poisoning and date rape actually happen to smart women.
4. It's really likely that a perfectly "nice guy" may try to rape you. IT HAPPENS. You did NOT lead him on and if you can force him off you, then do. If you can't force him off you, call me as soon as you can. You didn't do anything to deserve this.
5. Accidental pregnancies and birth control failures happen. Your school has a health center. You are not the first person with this story. Go there.
6. Your school has mental health services. Find out where they are and their hours so you're equipped to check in if you ever need it. Chances are, at some point you will want someone to talk to. That's literally why they're there. Use them.
7. Now that you're away from your safety cocoon, get out there and make NEW FRIENDS. Smile at people in your classes. Go out for coffee. Nobody knows anybody. Just go through life with a smile.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:25 AM on March 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
This may be slightly off from your specific request, and possibly irrelevant, but I feel like it's important to share. I'm only now realizing how much I suffered for lack of a parent doing this for me - as a now 33 year old that didn't earn a a bachelor's degree, despite being smart and interested, that is now earning one while working two jobs / planning a wedding / etc. And what I wish a parent would say to me is this:
This is really important. No, really. Like, seriously important. There are a lot of ways to go through life and there are many ways to have a great life without a college degree, but you are fortunate. You get the chance to get a degree early in life. This is incredibly lucky, and privileged, and serious. If you do this well and make it the priority, your life will be drastically improved. This is important. There will be times, small, little times, where you will have a choice between going to sleep at 10pm or at midnight. Of spending that extra hour on studying or going to drink with your friends in someone's dorm room. Of playing a videogame or writing that extra credit paper. And those won't seem like big choices, they might not even register. But in 10 or 20 years, they will matter.
This is important. Don't fuck it up. You'll have a lot more flexibility to play later if you work hard at this now.
posted by lazaruslong at 6:13 AM on March 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
This is really important. No, really. Like, seriously important. There are a lot of ways to go through life and there are many ways to have a great life without a college degree, but you are fortunate. You get the chance to get a degree early in life. This is incredibly lucky, and privileged, and serious. If you do this well and make it the priority, your life will be drastically improved. This is important. There will be times, small, little times, where you will have a choice between going to sleep at 10pm or at midnight. Of spending that extra hour on studying or going to drink with your friends in someone's dorm room. Of playing a videogame or writing that extra credit paper. And those won't seem like big choices, they might not even register. But in 10 or 20 years, they will matter.
This is important. Don't fuck it up. You'll have a lot more flexibility to play later if you work hard at this now.
posted by lazaruslong at 6:13 AM on March 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
For something accessible for her to reference, My Boyfriend Barfed in My Handbag is a great book to have that talks about how to clean things. It's a fast read if you want to read it ahead of time and give her a shopping list for once she gets out to California. It's fantastic, and I give it everyone I know who is setting up house for the first time. OxiClean for protein stains! Protein stains come out of things that are alive!
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:42 AM on March 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:42 AM on March 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
Budgeting was a piece of information that I lacked when I went to uni. Now I can survive for months on almost nothing, but then I couldn't.
The thing that screwed me up the most was not knowing this:
The thing that screwed me up the most was not knowing this:
Being responsible and taking care of your own problems does not mean hiding it from everyone when you have problems. Often the responsible thing to do is talk to the right people before things get worse.posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 7:59 AM on March 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
I started to post about a general cleaning tip that it's easier to clean things as the mess happens rather than waiting for dirt to build up, but then I realized that's pretty much true for all of life.
Rinse the tub after your bath, clean the coffee pot out after you use it, do the readings the week they are assigned rather than right before the test, pick up the dog poo when it happens, walk away from the asshole when the assholery begins and don't start dating him/her, pay your bills when they are due, and understand that procrastination without a plan only increases the work that needs to be done.
posted by teleri025 at 11:48 AM on March 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
Rinse the tub after your bath, clean the coffee pot out after you use it, do the readings the week they are assigned rather than right before the test, pick up the dog poo when it happens, walk away from the asshole when the assholery begins and don't start dating him/her, pay your bills when they are due, and understand that procrastination without a plan only increases the work that needs to be done.
posted by teleri025 at 11:48 AM on March 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
Not to crosstalk, but as a college instructor this is not the right answer:
".... tell her that if you miss a class, contact the professor and find out what you missed."
This is the correct answer:
"... tell her that if you miss a class, contact a fellow student and find out what you missed."
posted by nanook at 12:28 PM on March 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
".... tell her that if you miss a class, contact the professor and find out what you missed."
This is the correct answer:
"... tell her that if you miss a class, contact a fellow student and find out what you missed."
posted by nanook at 12:28 PM on March 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
Let people know where you are. My parents were in my business every minute growing up and I just about lost my mind when I went to college. My freshman handbook had a section that said if you were going somewhere, you didn't have to tell anybody if you thought it was none of their business. However, it suggested leave a note under your pillow so that if you weren't accounted for say Monday morning, your roommate(s) could get in touch with you. (mind you this was pre-cellphone) It took me a while to figure out that letting folk know that you were going out and when you were expected back was not an 'in your business' kinda thing. It meant that people were concerned for your safety.
Also the professor thing: each professor has their own way of doing things. Some don't care if you show up for class but you better do the work and ace the test. Others want you there and participating every single day come hell or high water. And if they have online classes and they use Blackboard, it sux.
posted by PJMoore at 1:29 PM on March 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
Also the professor thing: each professor has their own way of doing things. Some don't care if you show up for class but you better do the work and ace the test. Others want you there and participating every single day come hell or high water. And if they have online classes and they use Blackboard, it sux.
posted by PJMoore at 1:29 PM on March 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
Oh yes a thousand times, party saftey. In your first couple weeks, always go with friends and let people know where you are going, know the driver and make sure they are trustworthy if you go off campus, never NEVER leave anyone behind. My first week at college a new friend and I accepted an invitation from some guys in our orientation group to a "party" off campus. The guys drove us. They were all over us in the car despite our protests, and when we got to their house there was only one other couple there. No party at all. We made an excuse to go outside and we ran. But there we were in L. A., a new to us city, with no idea how to get back to campus. We didn't have anyone's phone numbers yet so we couldn't call anyone. No one knew we had even left. We wound up hitching a ride back, and thank god the people that picked us up were decent human beings. I still shiver thinking how close we came to disaster.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:34 PM on March 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:34 PM on March 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
My go-to "leaving home" advice: Get a good file box for important papers.
And put some starter folders in there with labels like "Insurance and Medical", "Car", "Tax Returns" and "Credit Card Bills" with instructions to stash anything possibly relevant in the appropriate folder, so she can find it later. Might also be a good place to hide that sheet of userIDs & passwords.
Also: don't skip classes. Ever. If you got to every class, and do the homework, you'll probably pass the course, no matter how formidable it seems early on.
posted by Rash at 10:15 PM on March 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
And put some starter folders in there with labels like "Insurance and Medical", "Car", "Tax Returns" and "Credit Card Bills" with instructions to stash anything possibly relevant in the appropriate folder, so she can find it later. Might also be a good place to hide that sheet of userIDs & passwords.
Also: don't skip classes. Ever. If you got to every class, and do the homework, you'll probably pass the course, no matter how formidable it seems early on.
posted by Rash at 10:15 PM on March 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
I feel like the flipside of Lazaruslong's comment needs to be addressed, too. Be sure that your kid knows that if they can't do this--if they're crying every night, if they're miserable, if they hate where they are--they don't have to, and they can come home. That there's no shame in saying that this isn't working, or it's not something they can do right now, and there are other schools and other ways to study and other life paths, and college, let alone this college at this time, isn't a moral imperative.
Like, yes, life is clearly easier if you get a degree, and get it early. But (hopefully) you'd rather your kid not be having a mental health crisis in hopes of getting a degree--and I know many people (including me) who felt that admitting that they were struggling wasn't an option, right up until there wasn't any other option, because nervous breakdowns and suicide attempts are hard to hide. And it turns out that sometimes even that enough to get people to recognize that there's a problem, because education is, apparently, just so important. Make sure your kid knows that their health is more important than their degree.
posted by mishafletch at 1:42 AM on March 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
Like, yes, life is clearly easier if you get a degree, and get it early. But (hopefully) you'd rather your kid not be having a mental health crisis in hopes of getting a degree--and I know many people (including me) who felt that admitting that they were struggling wasn't an option, right up until there wasn't any other option, because nervous breakdowns and suicide attempts are hard to hide. And it turns out that sometimes even that enough to get people to recognize that there's a problem, because education is, apparently, just so important. Make sure your kid knows that their health is more important than their degree.
posted by mishafletch at 1:42 AM on March 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
Pay attention in class.
posted by cynicalidealist at 6:34 PM on March 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by cynicalidealist at 6:34 PM on March 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone! I marked a bunch of answers as best answers- couldn't choose just one.
Some follow-up- both of girls move about the city and are self sufficient in regards to out in the world life skills. One thing that is so different for me as a mother is my girls share a lot with me (at times too much!) so we have the sex, drugs, and alcohol stuff down. It really is more the cleaning, cooking, money management stuff that people covered here.
posted by momochan at 6:38 PM on March 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Some follow-up- both of girls move about the city and are self sufficient in regards to out in the world life skills. One thing that is so different for me as a mother is my girls share a lot with me (at times too much!) so we have the sex, drugs, and alcohol stuff down. It really is more the cleaning, cooking, money management stuff that people covered here.
posted by momochan at 6:38 PM on March 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Minor skill: How to sew on a button; other minor clothing repairs. Possibly how to iron. (Seconding cooking, budgeting, etc.)
When covering cooking, you might also cover how to cook under suboptimal conditions. College is when you make grilled cheese sandwiches on irons and rely on microwaves more and they may not have access to a full kitchen.
Major skills:
As a person in university administration/pseudo-faculty -- How and when to ask for help and who to ask. So many of our students don't know this and it means they wait to ask until it's too late. (This is also a life skill after college -- it's ok to ask for help, it doesn't make you a weak person, and knowing WHO to ask helps.)
More specifically: When to talk to the professor has been outlined above but also; if you have a problem with a professor, you can, depending on the university, talk to the Department Chair, Student Services, Academic Affairs, or the University Ombudsman.
If you have a problem with another student: Student Housing, Student Services, the University's Title IX coordinator, depending on who it is.
I know you'll help, which is wonderful, and as a university prof you'll know more, but they need to know it's ok to ask.
Need research or citation help? Don't be afraid to talk to your university's librarians.
Having problems in a class? Find out if the university has a tutoring center. It's ok to take advantage of it.
Make sure they know how and when to get computer help. And..oh...make sure they are one of the few people in the dorm BACKING UP their assignments. I know I am not the only one who had to rewrite something at the last minute and learning that the hard way. Similarly, if they don't already know if, they should cultivate some basic office suite skills (learn Styles!).
Cultivate a relationship with at least one professor and at least one administrator. Also... the piece of advice my mother the Assistant Dean of Students gave me: ALWAYS BE NICE TO THE ASSISTANTS.
Learn how to think differently. Take at least one class completely outside your comfort zone (pass/fail, if needed).
posted by eleanna at 11:58 AM on April 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
When covering cooking, you might also cover how to cook under suboptimal conditions. College is when you make grilled cheese sandwiches on irons and rely on microwaves more and they may not have access to a full kitchen.
Major skills:
As a person in university administration/pseudo-faculty -- How and when to ask for help and who to ask. So many of our students don't know this and it means they wait to ask until it's too late. (This is also a life skill after college -- it's ok to ask for help, it doesn't make you a weak person, and knowing WHO to ask helps.)
More specifically: When to talk to the professor has been outlined above but also; if you have a problem with a professor, you can, depending on the university, talk to the Department Chair, Student Services, Academic Affairs, or the University Ombudsman.
If you have a problem with another student: Student Housing, Student Services, the University's Title IX coordinator, depending on who it is.
I know you'll help, which is wonderful, and as a university prof you'll know more, but they need to know it's ok to ask.
Need research or citation help? Don't be afraid to talk to your university's librarians.
Having problems in a class? Find out if the university has a tutoring center. It's ok to take advantage of it.
Make sure they know how and when to get computer help. And..oh...make sure they are one of the few people in the dorm BACKING UP their assignments. I know I am not the only one who had to rewrite something at the last minute and learning that the hard way. Similarly, if they don't already know if, they should cultivate some basic office suite skills (learn Styles!).
Cultivate a relationship with at least one professor and at least one administrator. Also... the piece of advice my mother the Assistant Dean of Students gave me: ALWAYS BE NICE TO THE ASSISTANTS.
Learn how to think differently. Take at least one class completely outside your comfort zone (pass/fail, if needed).
posted by eleanna at 11:58 AM on April 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
On the apps or websites: Their college/university library may have an app to install.
The Everything College Survival Guide -- this looks like an updated version of the book that helped me in college.
The Worst Case Scenario Guide to College -- for how-tos on things that might help.
posted by eleanna at 12:05 PM on April 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
The Everything College Survival Guide -- this looks like an updated version of the book that helped me in college.
The Worst Case Scenario Guide to College -- for how-tos on things that might help.
posted by eleanna at 12:05 PM on April 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
« Older a rovin' a rovin' a rovin' i'll go for a durable... | Sleeping well in partner's bed Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Recipes for the things she liked you to cook but that you never got around to showing her how to make for herself. Break the recipes into smaller steps than you would for someone who cooks regularly, including tips on what to buy to make the recipe. Admittedly, she'll likely have somewhat different grocery options in California from what she's used to.
List of housework tasks and what cycle is reasonable for doing them. (Although whatever you do, she'll have a bit of culture shock when she realizes the dishes don't just get done magically in the night. If she needs persuading: remind her that if you don't clean the kitchen as you go along, you're always going to be tempted to get takeout, which a) gets expensive and b) tends to fatten you up.)
Laundry tips, like how you have to presoak anything with blood on it in cold water.
posted by zadcat at 9:23 AM on March 26, 2017 [10 favorites]