how do I get over this?

December 27, 2016 10:22 AM

I've been more or less in love with someone who likely doesn't reciprocate it for more than a year. I need to get out of this head space. What is a good distraction?

I don't want to put too many details in this, because hey, secret account for asking embarrassing questions, but it seems that dating the person for real isn't an option (although part of what is making my head crazy is the feeling of "what if I'm wrong? what if this somehow becomes a thing?").

I am generally active and have a rich and fulfilling life -- I spend a lot of time with friends, I exercise, I have a number of personal projects that I devote energy to, I watch movies, I go on dates with other people, I travel, etc. But when I have downtime my head frequently goes to being sad about this and overanalyzing it, which doesn't help at all.

I've tried to avoid him, and unfollowed him on all digital media platforms -- that didn't stop any feelings. I recently tried to hang out with him, which possibly made it worse because when we were together he acted like he enjoys my company and likes me a lot (and also said he did). I have not tried to have a real conversation with him about this in more than six months, which maybe would help but also seems pointless.

I am tired of feeling like this. What can I do, beyond what I am already doing, to make this go away? Do I need to get into reading autobiographies of strong women? Do I need to start doing yoga every day? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, but I also have bad impulse control and am also generally better at things that involve action rather than inaction.

posted by anonymoosemoosemoose to Human Relations (21 answers total)

For the next six months, dedicate yourself to reading about self-improvement, listening to podcasts and audio books about same, and exercising and meditating. Or four months! You can do four months, right?
posted by jbenben at 10:33 AM on December 27, 2016

Best answer: I recently tried to hang out with him
I'm not a devotee of the Church of No Contact, but this is one of those situations where not hanging out with this guy for the foreseeable future is probably a good idea. If possible, maybe avoid him period until you're dating someone else for real and your feelings are reciprocated and all that jazz. It's one thing to be friends with someone you're attracted to, but it's kinda masochistic to stay close with someone you have unrequited feels for.

I don't know the details of the situation with your guy, but despite what it feels like when you're hanging out, if you two aren't dating, it's probably because:

(1) They don't like you enough to truly make a go of it;
(2) Apropos of anything else, there's some reason you'd be terrible together and you're not seeing it; or
(3) They might like you enough but don't have the skills to initiate or navigate a relationship.

(1) isn't something you should assume can be changed, doing anything about (2) might be more trouble that it's worth, and (3) is honestly something you don't want to waste good years on. Actions speak a lot louder than words.
posted by blerghamot at 10:56 AM on December 27, 2016 [3 favorites]

At this point it seems like mentioning it to him would be easier than what you're going through, so just ask him out already.

I also have a friend where it feels like a lovely date when we're hanging out, and it's caused some confusion with me. But they're like that with EVERYONE, and knowing that makes it easier to just accept those feelings and, I don't know, appreciate my friend's unique warmness. I think I even threw it out there casually one time that I would date them, and that was kind of laughed off, so made it easier to let those thoughts go.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 11:04 AM on December 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: You might pick up some intro CBT books or workbooks and see if you can find some strategies aimed at intrusive thoughts, which these certainly appear to be.

And certainly, if you wanted something to read, there's always Carrie Fisher's books.

Obviously nobody's obligated to be into you and it's his right to think you're totally great as a person and still not be into you, but have you considered being mad at him about it? Even just privately? Like, it sure seems like he's doing that thing where he knows he's crossing boundaries with you but it doesn't hurt him any and those are the only feelings that matter so fuck how you feel. I mean, what if you are wrong? What if when all his better options fall through he does come around, do you really still want to be waiting like a puppy outside a grocery store? Or do you want to tell him to go jump in a lake?

You don't have to actually say it, but you could do some visualization exercises. Exorcises, you know what I mean? Imagine escorting him to the nearest dumpster, throwing something at him, putting a dead fish in his car trunk. Every time your brain wants to go to that place where he's so great, consider the dead fish. Draw one on your hand for a few days as a visual aid. All you need to do is break the chemical reward-response you're giving yourself when you think of him. It'll pass much more quickly than if you just sit around believing you have no control over your feelings.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:11 AM on December 27, 2016 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: I really appreciate all of the feedback and ideas so far.

Also sorry, don't want to thread sit, but do want to clarify with regard to some previous comments that we do have sex when we see each other, he knows (at least circa six months ago, and to a lesser extent circa a week ago) that I have strong feelings toward him and would like to date him, and a wide array of his words and actions would lead one to believe that he feels similarly (but still nope). I believe that this is the #3 case from blerghamot's list, and I have also been told by mutual friends that he is garbage at relationships.
posted by anonymoosemoosemoose at 11:21 AM on December 27, 2016

You're having sex? Talk about burying the lede...

Stop doing that. Go no-contact. It's the only way. I'm sorry!
posted by Too-Ticky at 11:24 AM on December 27, 2016 [63 favorites]

Best answer: It helps me to really interrogate the feelings and recognize them for what they are - mostly projected fantasy. Some people are just magnetic or we have good chemistry with them and have fun stuff in common. But, then, sometimes we build an elaborate fantasy projection onto them and it's something we build - it's not some intrinsic thing that they actually possess. It uses enough pieces of what they're like to seem real, and it fuels itself with our limerence, but it's something of our own making. It's the unrealistic manifestation that only can exist when there's a distance between yourself and the subject.

Stop allowing yourself to feel like this is a genuine connection, especially when the reality is that he's garbage at relationships. He's not really your soul mate. He's not even a good boyfriend. He's a figment of your imagination. Stop being in love with something that doesn't really exist.

Go no contact and plunge into a new interest and non-fantasy-based endeavors. Good luck. This is a rough road, but the sooner you're off it, the happier you'll be.
posted by quince at 11:30 AM on December 27, 2016 [8 favorites]

Best answer: I've been navigating a similar situation (though with an ex, which adds a layer of complication you thankfully don't have to deal with).

What blerghamot laid out is the obvious and logical answer. But as you probably know, logic isn't exactly driving the bus here. My two cents...

1) Write down what makes you attracted to this guy and why you'd want to date him. You mention having a rich and fulfilling life so he must bring multiple things to the table beyond good looks right? (Wasn't sure from the original question on what level you both know each other - so probably pointless to try and list things that make you not want to be with him... but I think him not wanting to be with you is reason enough)

2) Assuming you've come up with some substantive reasons to be pining over him, identify which traits / things matter most to you and start to think about ways you can meet someone else who would reasonably meet your "expectations" for lack of a better term

3) Go forth and continue to live your rich and fulfilling life with an eye towards allowing yourself to meet and fall for someone else by having the mindset that it will happen and it will be with a guy who is X, Y, and Z

You need to get this guy out of your mind / life. Dating other people does not equate to allowing yourself to fall for someone else (seriously, take it from me). Correct me if I'm wrong but do you compare other dating / social prospects to him?

You'll never meet another "Joe" but you can easily meet another "tall guy with a cute beard who has a really great relationship with his family" (or whatever permutation of positive traits you see in him...) who could very well reciprocate your feelings back.
posted by Funky Claude at 11:31 AM on December 27, 2016 [6 favorites]

There's a school of thought that radical openness and honesty is the best policy, and this line of thinking leads some believe that just because they are being open and honest, they are not also being awful. When it comes to having sex with someone who you don't want to date, but are still doing all the actions and behaviors towards them that go along with strong interest and dating, just because you're being honest you don't want to date in no way absolves you of your jerky behavior. He's being a jerk. No contact is absolutely the way to go. Plus, yes, you're allowed to be mad at him.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:32 AM on December 27, 2016 [19 favorites]

For me, my ongoing solution has become about setting boundaries, accepting the fact of my fixation, realizing why, where, and when I'm able to be my happiest, and deciding some fundamental underpinnings of logic I could easily believe which would get me mentally where I needed. The thing that I had to realize was that the sadness and the over-analysis was all stimulated by what I was not getting from this person: and that that grief, inherently, had to do with expectations I had for them and myself.

Solving a lot of the expectations meant reclaiming whatever it was that was causing my recurrent fixation towards this person: and personally, I felt like a lot of my self-worth had been tied up into the validation that she was able to provide for me when our communication was at a high-point. I noticed there that my solution would have to be in somehow figuring out how I best would love myself first in those ways, before I tried to love other people, especially her. I wouldn't stop in loving anyone; I would just require loving & caring for myself the most, first. I would have to notice when I was losing my focal aperture onto her.

--

And then I realized, you can't really will yourself to stop being in love! Counter-intuitively, that cognitive dissonance may actually be what's causing you more issues - the negativity you feel when you try to prohibit yourself being in love - for me, this self-negation is a recurrent pattern and spiral, which only amplifies awareness, importance, and my need to fix it. And I'm the type of person that thinks that all things have an agreeable solution if it is thought about, talked about, and resolved enough.

Honestly, it was only by finding out what made me feel like I could release whatever tension it was, that I was then able to feel more free. You know what that was? Instead, that I should let myself love! Love openly. Love like you want to. Love them, love them, love them. It is your earnest desire. Screw relational confines. Let yourself be led by love. I think you are being led by fear of loss of them, and that it's masquerading as feeling-in-love. The old MetaFilter adage, it goes... 'Ask me how I know.'

When you are not constricting yourself, but instead expressing - then pruning your expression, and the mistakes you make - even if it is all internal, and you don't say a word - you are loving - and they are therefore yours to love, happily. That can be right now. You're just going to have to accept that you have to love them in the way that things are now, instead of how you want it to be.
posted by a good beginning at 11:41 AM on December 27, 2016 [3 favorites]

Well, I still stand by my dead fish advice but given your update, I think it's time to be a grown-up who uses their words and say out loud to him that you are interested in exploring a relationship and what does he think about that?

One of two things will happen: you will either be set free, or you will have to make a decision about whether his character is actually good enough for you to proceed. But you will have the answer, the answer that already exists but you don't want to know it. Go find it out. And then either move on or move forward, but stop doing this to yourself.

The answer already exists. Go find it out.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:47 AM on December 27, 2016 [9 favorites]

Best answer: Focus less on how you think he makes you feel (loving, romantic) and more on how he actually makes you feel (sad, overanalytical)

Stop making the narrative in your head about him and your fantasies of life with him and make it about the reality you're experiencing. When you find yourself thinking too much or pining too much, look at *your* headspace. Does it really feel good to be there?

If it feels bad, acknowledge it. Think the actual thought "This feels bad. I don't like it." Every time it comes up, examine how you really feel and acknowledge it. Name it.

As you repeatedly point out this unhealthy train of thought to yourself, you'll develop an earlier warning sense about going to the bad, painful fantasy place and avoid it more easily.
posted by itesser at 12:47 PM on December 27, 2016 [17 favorites]

I believe that this is the #3 case from blerghamot's list, and I have also been told by mutual friends that he is garbage at relationships.

People always think it's #3 but it's usually #1:

They don't like you enough to truly make a go of it

Even if it were #3, do you really want to coach someone who is bad at relationships and can't go for what they want?

I say go ahead and tell him straight up what you want. If he turns you down, accept him at his word, don't read into it ("he's just protecting his heart!" etc) and for real stop having sex with him! No contact.

I mean, yes, do yoga or whatever but the most important thing is getting a clean break.
posted by zutalors! at 1:16 PM on December 27, 2016 [4 favorites]

Have you ever heard the phrase "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" It's sexist. It's antiquated (buying == marrying, milk == sex). And it's almost never relevant to real life.

But, it might be here (where buying == monogamous relationship, milk == your love). Maybe he is garbage at relationships, and doesn't want to lose your friendship-with-benefits. Maybe he's too afraid/lazy to do the work needed to be a boyfriend. Regardless, right now, he's getting time and affection from you, so it makes sense that he'd be reluctant to change.

This is the time for a cheesy romantic movie ultimatum moment. First, prepare yourself for going no contact. There's a very good chance that you might have to, but let's put the ball squarely in his corner first. Once you've come to terms with the fact that it's relationship-or-bust for you, then use your words. It can be in person, over the phone, or via text or email but make it clear:

Dude, you know I really like you and would like to pursue a serious relationship with you. This halfway stuff is nice, but it's tearing me up inside. As hard as it has been to come to this decision I have realized that I can't keep seeing you if we aren't in a committed relationship. You can take some time to think about it if you want, and we can talk about what "committed relationship" really means for us, but I need to know that that's something you want as well.

And then don't contact him until he contacts you. And then don't stay in contact unless he makes it really damn clear (see also: cheesy romantic movies -- if there is ever a time for a grand gesture from a dude this is it because he is about to lose you) that you are the one for him.

I will say though, that this advice is somewhat out of step with my original instinct that was to tell you to moveon.org already. I still think you'll probably need to, but if there is any chance of this working, the script above will reveal it so it can't hurt to try. Once.

If it doesn't work, then consider that he can't possibly be all that great, if only because he was dumb enough to let you go. There are smarter dudes out there, and you deserve that.
posted by sparklemotion at 2:03 PM on December 27, 2016 [4 favorites]

He already knows what's up and likes things the way they are, or else he'd have done something about it, either when it came up before, or since, on his own initiative. If it's #3, yeah, you don't want that. (I actually think it's very possible to get caught up in thinking it's 3 when it's not, because plenty of people like "helping" those in 3 situations and get stuck there. Making excuses for them and tolerating disrespect. Don't do that.)

You've already made your declaration, don't humiliate yourself by making it again. (Not because of anything he'd say or do, although that would salt the wound. Because *you* will probably feel like crap for giving him the power of refusal.)

No sex, no contact, time + keeping busy, that's all there is. (Put some of the feels into awkward artistic vehicles if you want, but maybe also keep those private.) A change of scene can be a great distraction - plan some weekends away.
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:06 PM on December 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Ambiguous situations are always the hardest to get out of your mind because the temptation to keep trying to solve them is always there. So I'd recommend doing what you can reasonably do to resolve the ambiguity as zutalors and others recommended, and then work on "not looking back" if you get a negative answer. It's fine if he keeps popping into your mind and if you have emotions about that, whatever they may be, and you probably will for a while -- but what you don't want to do is to metaphorically "pick at the scab" by then ruminating about him or what this "means" about him or about you or in some global context or whatever. My take is that if you practice shifting your attention back away from him when he enters your mind, it will probably help over the course of a few months. Time and distance help a lot by themselves, also.
posted by en forme de poire at 10:56 PM on December 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

I think the real question you're not asking is that age-old Cosmo magazine question, "How Do I Make Him Fall in Love With Me?" You're hoping someone here can give you some affirmation that all the signs are actually there and he does really like you.

Going no-contact but then sleeping with him as recently as a week ago doesn't really demonstrate you're trying to stay away from him.

How do you get over this? Stop seeing him, stop sleeping with him. Every single one of us has gotten over broken relationships and crushes that never happened. You just keep living your life without that person and they eventually take up little to none of your brain.

You're doing all the right things except for continuing to sleep with him. That's gotta stop.

Also, stop framing this as you're in love with him. You're not. You have a crazily strong crush. That's all. As long as you stick with this Shakespearean-level narrative (and hey, we've all done it) in your head, you're making much ado about nothing.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:30 AM on December 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks everyone -- all very helpful. Going to think through what route to take, but I showed this thread to a friend and she has offered to literally put a dead fish on his car.

Definitely not looking for affirmation that he really likes me, I would have written this question much differently had that been the case, because to be honest there have been some "cheesy romantic movie" gestures -- but it is a lot easier to make a gesture and then walk it back than it is to actually commit to dating someone.
posted by anonymoosemoosemoose at 6:11 AM on December 28, 2016 [5 favorites]

I have also been told by mutual friends that he is garbage at relationships.

Something like, say, having a long history of having FWB's but no serious relationships and ignoring his FWB's feelings and desires if they start to hope for more? Someone who is known for stringing people along?

Maybe you should get some dirty details from your mutual friends about why they think he's garbage at relationships - I'm betting you're hardly the first person in this situation. Maybe that'll help take some of the bloom off this rose. Because it's not #3. He's not missing skills to get a relationship started - hell, from a certain (sexist) standpoint he's got mad skills; he knows just when and how to throw you a cheesy romantic movie gesture or line or whatever that gets you to come back and sex him up without him needing to go through the hassle of actually being in a relationship.

You were Friends With Benefits, which is fine. Then you started to develop stronger feelings for him, which can happen, totally normal. Then you did the adult thing and let him know and asked if he was interested in taking things to the next level. And he said, "Nah, I'm good." So you did the adult thing (again) and broke up with him. Just because your relationship was never clearly defined as a "relationship" doesn't mean it's any less of a breakup. Treat it like one, do whatever you've done in the past to get over someone. And you should especially go no contact because between your wishes, hopes, and fantasies and his (possibly intentionally manipulative) words and actions, you keep getting back together and having to start the break up process back at square one.
posted by soundguy99 at 6:56 AM on December 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

I have one thousand percent been in your shoes and I know how hard maintaining the resolve to stay away from someone you care for so much is. Honestly, though I managed to put some space between us, the only thing that helped my ultimately cut my ties was meeting someone better (bad advice? you tell me...).

One thing I really liked, if a little self-help-y, was the advice at mefi favorite baggage reclaim, where I came to terms with how much I was contorting myself for his breadcrumbs, like in this article about casual relationships. I also got a lot of peace from this article , which I went back to again and again, and despite the fact that I don't usually dig on the hippie stuff, the perspective on accepting distance without trying to stop caring for him somehow really helped:

"The key for me was getting utterly clear: we are apart, and the Universe never makes mistakes. We are over. And I can still love her. That was HUGE. I can love her with all my heart and soul and we never have to be together. And when I realized that, I felt amazing. And still do. The freedom was great. I could finally own-up to how much I wanted out of our relationship. All the hurt and anger disappeared. I was free."

posted by R a c h e l at 8:56 AM on December 28, 2016 [6 favorites]

I'm sure you've gotten the message that this guy is bad news. I think sometimes the most helpful ting to do when you're mired in this kind of situation is to find someone who went through something similar. It's way easier to see that your friend is dating an asshole, by it's hard to be objective in your own life. There was a great episode recently similar to yours on the Modern Love podcast, entitled "Friends Without Benefits". It also catches up with the author a couple years after the events and she gives some great advice. I thought of it immediately after reading your post, and think it be just what you need to hear.
For what it's worth, replacing a bad habit with a good one always works. Whether it's yoga, or something you're already interested in, doing something that is beneficial will be more worthy of your time. I hope you'll be able to see that, and that can only attract better things into your life!
posted by Champagne Supernova at 11:52 PM on December 28, 2016