How to be more confident and less socially anxious?
October 21, 2016 12:17 PM Subscribe
Hello All,
I seem be having some low-self esteem issues lately, especially with expressing a fierce opinion, sharing my beliefs, and sharing/explaining my hobbies to others. I have such a difficult time warming up to strangers, that I will excessively worry that I'm not interesting, exciting, and vibrant enough -- I'll shut down and become aloof. I have become withdrawn and reserved -- how can I open up and gain some confidence?
I tend to shut down in social circles and constantly worry about what others will think of me. I know this is a sign of insecurity, but it has become rather difficult to socially interact with pride and confidence -- I do not know how to not shut down around people, it has become a familiar mechanism. I constantly watch my words and think carefully about what I'm going to say, or often, I will not speak at all, because of social anxiety and low-self esteem issues. I also find public speaking to be the biggest challenge, and this is something I would like to conquer - if anyone has some wealthy tips on this one, please share. I have also experienced social rejection in the past numerous time while trying to build friendships. This has made me become reserved, because I do not want to open up to others, if I know I'm going to be rejected. I'm an INTJ, and INTJ females sometimes have a difficult time building friendships - we are always inside our heads and sometimes forget about the external world of things. I think it boils down to this: I shouldn't care about what others think so much, but I do not know how to do this.
Any wealth of advice and tips would be most appreciated.
Thanks,
RearWindow
I tend to shut down in social circles and constantly worry about what others will think of me. I know this is a sign of insecurity, but it has become rather difficult to socially interact with pride and confidence -- I do not know how to not shut down around people, it has become a familiar mechanism. I constantly watch my words and think carefully about what I'm going to say, or often, I will not speak at all, because of social anxiety and low-self esteem issues. I also find public speaking to be the biggest challenge, and this is something I would like to conquer - if anyone has some wealthy tips on this one, please share. I have also experienced social rejection in the past numerous time while trying to build friendships. This has made me become reserved, because I do not want to open up to others, if I know I'm going to be rejected. I'm an INTJ, and INTJ females sometimes have a difficult time building friendships - we are always inside our heads and sometimes forget about the external world of things. I think it boils down to this: I shouldn't care about what others think so much, but I do not know how to do this.
Any wealth of advice and tips would be most appreciated.
Thanks,
RearWindow
Also: Lexapro or another anxiolytic can really help take the edge off and give you the mental space necessary to be somewhat logical about your own irrational thoughts and the accompanying feelings and physiological responses. Your primary care doctor should be able to prescribe a first-line anxiolytic, no problem.
posted by radicalawyer at 12:37 PM on October 21, 2016
posted by radicalawyer at 12:37 PM on October 21, 2016
I'm sorry, I linked to the wrong workbook. It was this one by Aaron Beck.
posted by radicalawyer at 12:44 PM on October 21, 2016
posted by radicalawyer at 12:44 PM on October 21, 2016
So, I do this sometimes, especially with new people. I'm pretty shy because I had low self esteem (which I'm going to chalk up to my disfiguring acne) during my teenage and young adult years.
I'm sure therapy would help with this more than any hot tips, but you asked for a hot tip, and I have one.
Work on your listening skills. As a fellow person who has had very low self-esteem, there's something kind of self-absorbed about us sometimes. We'll be in a conversation, and you're spending a lot of time thinking about yourself. About how you will appear if you say something, about how you sounded when you DID say something, about how no one is ever going to want to be your friend because you said such non-optimal things, etc.
Those are really bad listening skills. Try to stop it, and try to start being actually engaged in your conversations and friendships instead of focusing on yourself. When you say something, instead of allowing your brain to panic and focus on how (insert negative adjective here) you sounded, force yourself to remain engaged in the conversation, listen to other people's thoughts on what you said, etc. This will give you some space in your own head, and actually will help strengthen your friendships and social connections as well, since people really like being listened to.
It's essentially a distraction tactic for your own brain, but it's also the way that social interactions generally work for people who aren't all tied up in social anxiety. It gets easier with practice, you'll stop having to remind yourself to get out of your own head and listen to these people you care about.
posted by euphoria066 at 2:01 PM on October 21, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'm sure therapy would help with this more than any hot tips, but you asked for a hot tip, and I have one.
Work on your listening skills. As a fellow person who has had very low self-esteem, there's something kind of self-absorbed about us sometimes. We'll be in a conversation, and you're spending a lot of time thinking about yourself. About how you will appear if you say something, about how you sounded when you DID say something, about how no one is ever going to want to be your friend because you said such non-optimal things, etc.
Those are really bad listening skills. Try to stop it, and try to start being actually engaged in your conversations and friendships instead of focusing on yourself. When you say something, instead of allowing your brain to panic and focus on how (insert negative adjective here) you sounded, force yourself to remain engaged in the conversation, listen to other people's thoughts on what you said, etc. This will give you some space in your own head, and actually will help strengthen your friendships and social connections as well, since people really like being listened to.
It's essentially a distraction tactic for your own brain, but it's also the way that social interactions generally work for people who aren't all tied up in social anxiety. It gets easier with practice, you'll stop having to remind yourself to get out of your own head and listen to these people you care about.
posted by euphoria066 at 2:01 PM on October 21, 2016 [4 favorites]
I have been in that exact same place. I think this comment of yours is right on: "I think it boils down to this: I shouldn't care about what others think so much, but I do not know how to do this."
It pains me that you feel you have to evaluate yourself on how "vibrant" you are. (This sounds just like me, and I can still get into that mode. Hallmark of being introverted and female in this society.) Do you know how many people are really ... not that interesting ... and have all kinds of people who appear to listen to them? Quite a few. Look at how many people watch reality TV.
Last year I found myself in an essentially friendless place, except for my therapist and my 12 step sponsor. I couldn't change it no matter how much I flailed at being "interesting" or tried to "be a good listener." Eventually I said, "f* it, I guess I'll just do everything by myself, then." And I did.
Very slowly, through talking with therapist/sponsor who encouraged me to accept myself, I stopped caring as much that I didn't have what most people would consider a social circle. Oddly enough, some things started changing for the better. I joined a supportive online community in which I participate several times a day. And a few people IRL started inviting me places, occasionally. I still don't feel like I could have a similar invitation reciprocated, but you know what? I don't care nearly as much. What social life I do have sustains me for now.
Speaking from personal experience, I didn't benefit from CBT. I'm in my head a lot and CBT, with me, looks like a 24X7 sparring match. Exhausting and unproductive. I have also been on medication essentially to change my core personality and I no longer take it: the cost outweighed the benefit. I am in traditional talk therapy right now.
If you haven't read Susan Cain's "Quiet," I would urge you to do so. Also, please DM me if you'd like more info on that online community I belong to. I have made real friends there.
Love your handle, BTW. Without watchful introverts, more people would get away with murder. :-)
posted by Sheydem-tants at 4:09 AM on October 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
It pains me that you feel you have to evaluate yourself on how "vibrant" you are. (This sounds just like me, and I can still get into that mode. Hallmark of being introverted and female in this society.) Do you know how many people are really ... not that interesting ... and have all kinds of people who appear to listen to them? Quite a few. Look at how many people watch reality TV.
Last year I found myself in an essentially friendless place, except for my therapist and my 12 step sponsor. I couldn't change it no matter how much I flailed at being "interesting" or tried to "be a good listener." Eventually I said, "f* it, I guess I'll just do everything by myself, then." And I did.
Very slowly, through talking with therapist/sponsor who encouraged me to accept myself, I stopped caring as much that I didn't have what most people would consider a social circle. Oddly enough, some things started changing for the better. I joined a supportive online community in which I participate several times a day. And a few people IRL started inviting me places, occasionally. I still don't feel like I could have a similar invitation reciprocated, but you know what? I don't care nearly as much. What social life I do have sustains me for now.
Speaking from personal experience, I didn't benefit from CBT. I'm in my head a lot and CBT, with me, looks like a 24X7 sparring match. Exhausting and unproductive. I have also been on medication essentially to change my core personality and I no longer take it: the cost outweighed the benefit. I am in traditional talk therapy right now.
If you haven't read Susan Cain's "Quiet," I would urge you to do so. Also, please DM me if you'd like more info on that online community I belong to. I have made real friends there.
Love your handle, BTW. Without watchful introverts, more people would get away with murder. :-)
posted by Sheydem-tants at 4:09 AM on October 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
Hi there, I'm in the exact same situation. I also find myself shutting down when I'm around groups of people. I try to be social and nice by holding conversations, but sometimes I feel I'm trying too hard, like keep asking questions so that there's no gap or no silence in our conversations, so that there's no awkwardness. Once I realize I try too hard I'll swing to the opposite pole and completely shut down.
It's hard to realize it yourself, and you need people to tell you this: that you don't need to hold a perfect "track record" of being social. The truth is, that's impossible and no one ever do it. No one will ever remember how you behave after a few days. All our attempts at optimal behavior sucks the energy out of us...and it doesn't even amount to anything.
No matter what you say, or do, accept them as they are. Don't try too hard to change yourself into a better form or shape, you are a great human being:)
I hope this helps, these are the words I need to tell myself too.
posted by susanwings at 9:08 PM on October 24, 2016
It's hard to realize it yourself, and you need people to tell you this: that you don't need to hold a perfect "track record" of being social. The truth is, that's impossible and no one ever do it. No one will ever remember how you behave after a few days. All our attempts at optimal behavior sucks the energy out of us...and it doesn't even amount to anything.
No matter what you say, or do, accept them as they are. Don't try too hard to change yourself into a better form or shape, you are a great human being:)
I hope this helps, these are the words I need to tell myself too.
posted by susanwings at 9:08 PM on October 24, 2016
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If you can't afford a therapist, this workbook by Knaus was a helpful adjunct to my CBT appointments and recommended by my CBT practitioner.
A therapist, even just a few visits, can help you get the process started. From there on, it's all pretty much putting your feelings and thoughts into spreadsheets and being diligent about it. I would imagine an INTJ to be quite at home in Excel.
If you are in the DC area, I can recommend a few people.
posted by radicalawyer at 12:36 PM on October 21, 2016 [1 favorite]