Drinking problem – stay or separate?
August 30, 2016 12:56 PM Subscribe
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months now. Early on I’ve noticed he’d drink excessively on occasion, and pretty much each time we saw each other he would drink at least some. This became a problem between us, he wants to quit drinking, and I don’t know if it’s more helpful to continue the relationship and try and support him through this, or for us to separate.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months now. Early on I’ve noticed he’d drink excessively on occasion, and pretty much each time we saw each other he would drink at least some (2-8 drinks), and I mentioned to him that this is a concern for me (I dated an alcoholic when I was young(er) and that didn’t end well, and I don’t want to go down that road again).
To which he answered that he doesn’t have a problem, and that I see him drinking because these are his days off and he wants to unwind. However since that conversation there were a couple more episodes of binge drinking on his part, that were on his days off, and also on work days. So we had another conversation in which I said that this is not how I want my life to go – I enjoy drinking myself, but I will drink 1-2 glasses (not more than ½ a bottle) of wine a night, and not every night – and even though I enjoy an occasional night of drinking till late at night and maybe a bit in excess, on a special occasion, I don’t want my every weekend to be like this, not at all. But it seemed like for him this was the usual way to spend a social evening.
So he said, OK, since this seems to be causing problems between us, I will stop. Long story short, he didn’t stop. There were another 2 episodes of him being drunk to the point of slurring in the last two weeks, one with me, and one by himself, and it’s really off-putting for me. It also bothered me that he said that he’d stop, but he didn’t/couldn’t, so my trust is a bit shaken up.
So now he is apologizing profusely, sais that he realizes now that yes, he has a problem, and will stop drinking completely. I want to believe him. I actually do. He sounds terrified and heartbroken that this might cause us to end. He is a great guy otherwise – very thoughtful, attentive, sensitive, loving, hardworking, smart. We “get” each other, I know I can rely on him in any situation, and I like him a lot.
I don’t know what to do here though – is it better for us to separate at least for a time and let him work on it and get his stuff together, or would it be better for us to stay together and for me try and support him through this? I think his drinking caused by anxiety at least partially, and being in a relationship with me causes him anxiety in a way, because he is moving a lot faster with his feelings, and I’m not there yet, and this causes him stress. I’m trying to be honest, but he wants more out of the relationship, and was pushing me a bit until I made it clear that him doing that only pushes me away/scares me a bit. It’s better now, but I don’t want to walk on egg shells because he is recovering and I’m afraid to throw him off with something that I say or do that he perceives as hurtful/insensitive.
On the other hand, if we were to separate, that would cause him obvious stress over our relationship possibly ending, and I really don’t want to make it harder for him, I want to do the best thing that would help him the most in this situation, and I want to be there for him if that would help him. It would be hard on me to separate from him, but I'd do it if this was the best thing for him.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months now. Early on I’ve noticed he’d drink excessively on occasion, and pretty much each time we saw each other he would drink at least some (2-8 drinks), and I mentioned to him that this is a concern for me (I dated an alcoholic when I was young(er) and that didn’t end well, and I don’t want to go down that road again).
To which he answered that he doesn’t have a problem, and that I see him drinking because these are his days off and he wants to unwind. However since that conversation there were a couple more episodes of binge drinking on his part, that were on his days off, and also on work days. So we had another conversation in which I said that this is not how I want my life to go – I enjoy drinking myself, but I will drink 1-2 glasses (not more than ½ a bottle) of wine a night, and not every night – and even though I enjoy an occasional night of drinking till late at night and maybe a bit in excess, on a special occasion, I don’t want my every weekend to be like this, not at all. But it seemed like for him this was the usual way to spend a social evening.
So he said, OK, since this seems to be causing problems between us, I will stop. Long story short, he didn’t stop. There were another 2 episodes of him being drunk to the point of slurring in the last two weeks, one with me, and one by himself, and it’s really off-putting for me. It also bothered me that he said that he’d stop, but he didn’t/couldn’t, so my trust is a bit shaken up.
So now he is apologizing profusely, sais that he realizes now that yes, he has a problem, and will stop drinking completely. I want to believe him. I actually do. He sounds terrified and heartbroken that this might cause us to end. He is a great guy otherwise – very thoughtful, attentive, sensitive, loving, hardworking, smart. We “get” each other, I know I can rely on him in any situation, and I like him a lot.
I don’t know what to do here though – is it better for us to separate at least for a time and let him work on it and get his stuff together, or would it be better for us to stay together and for me try and support him through this? I think his drinking caused by anxiety at least partially, and being in a relationship with me causes him anxiety in a way, because he is moving a lot faster with his feelings, and I’m not there yet, and this causes him stress. I’m trying to be honest, but he wants more out of the relationship, and was pushing me a bit until I made it clear that him doing that only pushes me away/scares me a bit. It’s better now, but I don’t want to walk on egg shells because he is recovering and I’m afraid to throw him off with something that I say or do that he perceives as hurtful/insensitive.
On the other hand, if we were to separate, that would cause him obvious stress over our relationship possibly ending, and I really don’t want to make it harder for him, I want to do the best thing that would help him the most in this situation, and I want to be there for him if that would help him. It would be hard on me to separate from him, but I'd do it if this was the best thing for him.
You can't rely on him because he did not stop drinking when you first indicated there was a problem. You have practical evidence.
You've only known him 3 months. You really don't know him at all. There's no investment here. Please break up with him and go no contact.
You are smart enough to know dating an alcoholic is a bad bad idea, but you seem to have problems seeing this situation for what it is. Going "no contact" is for your wellbeing (you aren't seeing this clearly) as much as his wellbeing (he seems prone to drama and drinking, don't be a part of that.)
There's plenty of great awesome guys out there that don't come with this type of baggage. Go find one of those. This guy needs professional help, not a girlfriend.
I know this hurts. I'm sorry you are going through this.
posted by jbenben at 1:05 PM on August 30, 2016 [29 favorites]
You've only known him 3 months. You really don't know him at all. There's no investment here. Please break up with him and go no contact.
You are smart enough to know dating an alcoholic is a bad bad idea, but you seem to have problems seeing this situation for what it is. Going "no contact" is for your wellbeing (you aren't seeing this clearly) as much as his wellbeing (he seems prone to drama and drinking, don't be a part of that.)
There's plenty of great awesome guys out there that don't come with this type of baggage. Go find one of those. This guy needs professional help, not a girlfriend.
I know this hurts. I'm sorry you are going through this.
posted by jbenben at 1:05 PM on August 30, 2016 [29 favorites]
What I'm hearing you say is that you may cause him to drink if you stay, because relationships are stressful, and you may cause him to drink if you go, because break ups are stressful. You've found yourself in a double bind where you are responsible for his drinking. I think you understand that that isn't the truth. It is entirely under his control whether he continues to drink or not. You can be supportive of his decision, but you cannot cause him to change his drinking on his own.
So it comes down to what you need/want in this relationship. You care about him, and that is wonderful. You need to weigh your own well being here too. Can you tolerate his continued drinking if you stay; because that is one possibility. Can you support him in the very early stages of sobriety? Because that is hard work and challenging even in very grounded relationships. It may mean that you don't drink yourself for a while. It may mean a change in how you relate to one another.
Consider attending a meeting or two of Al-Anon. They are people who have walked this path and who can weigh in on the pros and cons. I don't think there is one right answer, but please don't put his well being before yours.
posted by goggie at 1:06 PM on August 30, 2016 [17 favorites]
So it comes down to what you need/want in this relationship. You care about him, and that is wonderful. You need to weigh your own well being here too. Can you tolerate his continued drinking if you stay; because that is one possibility. Can you support him in the very early stages of sobriety? Because that is hard work and challenging even in very grounded relationships. It may mean that you don't drink yourself for a while. It may mean a change in how you relate to one another.
Consider attending a meeting or two of Al-Anon. They are people who have walked this path and who can weigh in on the pros and cons. I don't think there is one right answer, but please don't put his well being before yours.
posted by goggie at 1:06 PM on August 30, 2016 [17 favorites]
I think his drinking caused by anxiety at least partially, and being in a relationship with me causes him anxiety in a way, because he is moving a lot faster with his feelings, and I’m not there yet, and this causes him stress
First, know that his drinking is not your fault. The fact that he's moving too fast and that you feel guilty that you're not ready does not make him drink. He had a drinking problem before you met him
(2 to 8 drinks is not "drinking some").
I think that you should separate. Three months into a relationship should not be this stressful for you. Cut your losses and move on. Please do what's best for you.
posted by Linnee at 1:12 PM on August 30, 2016 [9 favorites]
First, know that his drinking is not your fault. The fact that he's moving too fast and that you feel guilty that you're not ready does not make him drink. He had a drinking problem before you met him
(2 to 8 drinks is not "drinking some").
I think that you should separate. Three months into a relationship should not be this stressful for you. Cut your losses and move on. Please do what's best for you.
posted by Linnee at 1:12 PM on August 30, 2016 [9 favorites]
You have been dating for THREE MONTHS. You have never known this guy as a person without alcohol. You have no history with this guy. You don't even know him. This is not your burden to take on.
In my opinion you both can and should leave, and not feel even a little guilty about it.
posted by phunniemee at 1:14 PM on August 30, 2016 [32 favorites]
In my opinion you both can and should leave, and not feel even a little guilty about it.
posted by phunniemee at 1:14 PM on August 30, 2016 [32 favorites]
You have to consider him as he is, not as you'd hope he'd be. Currently, he's drinking and isn't stopping because he's not ready to. He can't/won't do it for you, or anyone else - people need their own reasons to do things, for themselves. Yes, you may cause him stress if you leave, but you'll cause yourself much more stress if you stay. Because the one who'll end up adapting is you, to his drinking, not him. Yes, he will probably drink if you leave. But you can't prevent him drinking by staying, you know that. He's drinking either way. He's not a bad person, but things don't have to be 100% awful for it to be a good idea to end them. It's hard to leave good people, especially when they're in trouble. But his trouble is his to deal with, don't take it on for yourself, that won't help him. If he wants help at some point, he'll find it.
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:20 PM on August 30, 2016
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:20 PM on August 30, 2016
You should leave right now. I can't say it any plainer than that. Just leave now and don't look back. It's only going to get worse. Source: I am the daughter of an alcoholic and married to someone who has been sober ten years. Three months is a very, very short period of time to already have identified such problematic behavior, and to be feeling the compulsion to figure out how to fix it.
You can't save him. He's told you he doesn't need to be fixed. He's "admitting" he has a problem right now because he's afraid you're going to leave. But staying with him is not going to prop him up - it's only going to drag you down. As soon as he sees you not leaving, he'll almost certainly start drinking again. And then you will begin a cycle that will repeat many, many times, as many times as you're willing to let it. People waste years of their lives trying to save people who don't want to be saved. Count your lucky stars that you're only putting in a few months.
posted by something something at 1:20 PM on August 30, 2016 [20 favorites]
You can't save him. He's told you he doesn't need to be fixed. He's "admitting" he has a problem right now because he's afraid you're going to leave. But staying with him is not going to prop him up - it's only going to drag you down. As soon as he sees you not leaving, he'll almost certainly start drinking again. And then you will begin a cycle that will repeat many, many times, as many times as you're willing to let it. People waste years of their lives trying to save people who don't want to be saved. Count your lucky stars that you're only putting in a few months.
posted by something something at 1:20 PM on August 30, 2016 [20 favorites]
(You can't split off "great" bf from "bad" bf. They are the same person, in the same package, to be taken as is or not at all - highly recommend the latter. It's sad that it's often the most sensitive people who find themselves drawn into addiction, will say that.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:23 PM on August 30, 2016
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:23 PM on August 30, 2016
I tried quitting drinking on multiple different occasions, because I thought someone wanted me to (generally a romantic partner, occasionally someone else). It never took, until I decided that I didn't want to drink anymore because I, me, myself didn't want me to drink anymore.
Your boyfriend might be different. I suspect he isn't.
Break up with him. Do it gently. Don't tell him it's because he drinks too much. He'll know. Just say that you're in different places right now. And maybe someday he'll be sober on his own terms and you'll run across each other at a bus stop and the subject of his drinking won't even come up, and you can reconnect.
But for now? Let him go, and let yourself go.
posted by Etrigan at 1:33 PM on August 30, 2016 [14 favorites]
Your boyfriend might be different. I suspect he isn't.
Break up with him. Do it gently. Don't tell him it's because he drinks too much. He'll know. Just say that you're in different places right now. And maybe someday he'll be sober on his own terms and you'll run across each other at a bus stop and the subject of his drinking won't even come up, and you can reconnect.
But for now? Let him go, and let yourself go.
posted by Etrigan at 1:33 PM on August 30, 2016 [14 favorites]
You are talking about him waaaay more than you are talking about you. He needs to focus on himself, so it's ok to let him go. If he makes it through an intensive outpatient program and is healthily puttering around in a year, try again then. He isn't available to partner with you until he divorces his numbing substance. Sometimes one thing is given up and something else (food, gambling, Internet, other addictive substances) , so let him go to find his way as a kindness to both of you.
Sometimes we dance with codependency especially if it was a theme with our parents. Take care of yourself, please.
posted by childofTethys at 1:35 PM on August 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
Sometimes we dance with codependency especially if it was a theme with our parents. Take care of yourself, please.
posted by childofTethys at 1:35 PM on August 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
You have to take people as they are, not as you wish they would be. Given your own history and completely reasonable desire to not relive it, there are going to be some people in the world who are simply a bad fit for you and you shouldn't date them. No, he's not a horrible human being, but that's not the appropriate standard. You don't have to date any rando who barely clears the hurdles; you can hold out for someone who can actually jump to your preferred height. You deserve it.
And be careful, because your history might also suggest you are a Fixer with blind spots and that's a thing you still haven't tackled in your recovery from that relationship. It's not your job to "support" every alcoholic in your path. Even if you were a qualified professional in that field, you'd be ethically inappropriate to treat someone you are dating.
Date men who barely drink or don't drink at all.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:37 PM on August 30, 2016 [5 favorites]
And be careful, because your history might also suggest you are a Fixer with blind spots and that's a thing you still haven't tackled in your recovery from that relationship. It's not your job to "support" every alcoholic in your path. Even if you were a qualified professional in that field, you'd be ethically inappropriate to treat someone you are dating.
Date men who barely drink or don't drink at all.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:37 PM on August 30, 2016 [5 favorites]
Eh, it's not so terribly hard to him at least a chance to get his drinking under control. You say you like him, and he likes you, and he's offered to work on it. And you drink a nontrivial amount yourself it seems. So 'DTMFA and find a teetotaller' seems like weird advice to me.
Do you really need him to quit totally? Would you quit totally if he did? Would you be happy if you both split a bottle of wine most nights?
I say you've got nothing much to lose by trying to get a new pattern established over the next few weeks, compared to ditching him now.
posted by SaltySalticid at 1:46 PM on August 30, 2016 [8 favorites]
Do you really need him to quit totally? Would you quit totally if he did? Would you be happy if you both split a bottle of wine most nights?
I say you've got nothing much to lose by trying to get a new pattern established over the next few weeks, compared to ditching him now.
posted by SaltySalticid at 1:46 PM on August 30, 2016 [8 favorites]
I've spent an incredible amount of time over the past decade daydreaming of being in your shoes, starting the morning after the first time my now ex-boyfriend made it clear that alcohol was going to be a euphemistically oversized presence in our relationship.
These are the two things I wish someone had told me:
1) If you want to know whether you should stay or go, imagine nothing changes from here on out. Imagine he stays exactly the same. Imagine he keeps getting slurry wasted on a regular basis, even when he says he's not going to, and maybe he really overdoes it one night so now you have to take care of him because he barfed on your couch or started a fight with one of your friends or wrecked his car or his bike or got a DUI or whatever. Imagine nothing changes and you spend precious and irretrievable days, weeks, and years of your life with someone who's trustworthy and kind and sweet and smart and knowingly lacks self-control when it comes to his alcohol intake.
2) As you already know, saying he'll stop drinking has absolutely nothing to do with whether he actually will stop drinking. But more importantly, knowing that he should stop drinking doesn't mean that he wants to stop drinking, and he's not going to be able to stop drinking unless or until he genuinely, earnestly, independently wants to. He can't quit drinking for you, in your honor, or to preserve your relationship. He can only do it for himself, because he wants to, of his own volition. If he tells you he's quit but he doesn't really want to, it probably won't take too long to get to a point where he's drinking in secret and lying to you about it and resenting the hell out of you for "making" him pretend like he quit. And if we were having this conversation in real life, this is where I would hand you my dog-eared copy of Al-Anon's "Detachment" pamphlet, because that is the lesson I spent most of my 20s learning.
So knowing now what I wish I had known then, my vote is: Go. Go for you and for all of us that didn't know better. He'll either figure it out or he won't, but at least you can live your life in the meantime.
posted by amnesia and magnets at 2:03 PM on August 30, 2016 [16 favorites]
These are the two things I wish someone had told me:
1) If you want to know whether you should stay or go, imagine nothing changes from here on out. Imagine he stays exactly the same. Imagine he keeps getting slurry wasted on a regular basis, even when he says he's not going to, and maybe he really overdoes it one night so now you have to take care of him because he barfed on your couch or started a fight with one of your friends or wrecked his car or his bike or got a DUI or whatever. Imagine nothing changes and you spend precious and irretrievable days, weeks, and years of your life with someone who's trustworthy and kind and sweet and smart and knowingly lacks self-control when it comes to his alcohol intake.
2) As you already know, saying he'll stop drinking has absolutely nothing to do with whether he actually will stop drinking. But more importantly, knowing that he should stop drinking doesn't mean that he wants to stop drinking, and he's not going to be able to stop drinking unless or until he genuinely, earnestly, independently wants to. He can't quit drinking for you, in your honor, or to preserve your relationship. He can only do it for himself, because he wants to, of his own volition. If he tells you he's quit but he doesn't really want to, it probably won't take too long to get to a point where he's drinking in secret and lying to you about it and resenting the hell out of you for "making" him pretend like he quit. And if we were having this conversation in real life, this is where I would hand you my dog-eared copy of Al-Anon's "Detachment" pamphlet, because that is the lesson I spent most of my 20s learning.
So knowing now what I wish I had known then, my vote is: Go. Go for you and for all of us that didn't know better. He'll either figure it out or he won't, but at least you can live your life in the meantime.
posted by amnesia and magnets at 2:03 PM on August 30, 2016 [16 favorites]
What is that you want? Do you want to continue dating him?
posted by Ironmouth at 2:04 PM on August 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 2:04 PM on August 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
You've only been together three months.
You disagree about what constitutes a drinking problem and he doesn't think he has one.
You should break up. Go find someone you are more compatible with who drinks an amount/in contexts you think are appropriate and doesn't remind you of your alcoholic ex. Three months isn't long enough to put yourselves through all this.
posted by Sara C. at 2:10 PM on August 30, 2016 [6 favorites]
You disagree about what constitutes a drinking problem and he doesn't think he has one.
You should break up. Go find someone you are more compatible with who drinks an amount/in contexts you think are appropriate and doesn't remind you of your alcoholic ex. Three months isn't long enough to put yourselves through all this.
posted by Sara C. at 2:10 PM on August 30, 2016 [6 favorites]
Congratulations: you learned from your previous situation! That's why you're seeing this as the red flag it is. It's been 3 months. That's barely a blip. Pat yourself on the back and find a new boyfriend. Count me as another person who wished I left 3 months in when I had an inkling that was how it was going to be. This is a testament to your awesomeness and your ability to learn and grow and protect yourself.
There are so many fish in the sea without drinking problems.
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:11 PM on August 30, 2016 [5 favorites]
There are so many fish in the sea without drinking problems.
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:11 PM on August 30, 2016 [5 favorites]
is it better for us to separate at least for a time and let him work on it and get his stuff together?
Yep. And don't be too surprised if that doesn't happen, and don't be too ready to re-commit even after a brief period of sobriety. In your shoes I'd just call it quits and move on to someone with fewer obvious liabilities so early in the relationship.
or would it be better for us to stay together and for me try and support him through this?
This idea is a like a flashing neon amusement park sign saying "Welcome to CodependentLand." This is his problem. Don't make it yours, too. To borrow the "three C's" from Al-Anon, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Your support wouldn't make a meaningful difference, and your departure also won't be the direct cause of anything that happens to him. You can't cure it, solve it, or fix it either by staying or leaving; it really has nothing to do with you. He's got to deal with his problems himself. His behavior's a dealbreaker for you, (and at 3 months in, this is still his good behavior. That's all you need to know. Don't feel bad, you didn't cause the problem.
posted by Miko at 2:22 PM on August 30, 2016 [22 favorites]
Yep. And don't be too surprised if that doesn't happen, and don't be too ready to re-commit even after a brief period of sobriety. In your shoes I'd just call it quits and move on to someone with fewer obvious liabilities so early in the relationship.
or would it be better for us to stay together and for me try and support him through this?
This idea is a like a flashing neon amusement park sign saying "Welcome to CodependentLand." This is his problem. Don't make it yours, too. To borrow the "three C's" from Al-Anon, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Your support wouldn't make a meaningful difference, and your departure also won't be the direct cause of anything that happens to him. You can't cure it, solve it, or fix it either by staying or leaving; it really has nothing to do with you. He's got to deal with his problems himself. His behavior's a dealbreaker for you, (and at 3 months in, this is still his good behavior. That's all you need to know. Don't feel bad, you didn't cause the problem.
posted by Miko at 2:22 PM on August 30, 2016 [22 favorites]
three months in and you are already dealing with a trust problem and an alcohol issue. i would end the relationship. be careful about holding yourself responsible for other people's behavior. his reaction is not on you. if you insist on giving it another shot, tell him to give up completely for a year. i don't believe he will do this though he might tell you he will. and so it repeats...
posted by mossy_george at 2:34 PM on August 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by mossy_george at 2:34 PM on August 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
Ugh no, why would you want to sign up to be the nag who's the reason he can't do what he wants to do? This is super extremely not your job. Go find a boyfriend who doesn't need you to fix him, guard him, convince him or discipline him.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:37 PM on August 30, 2016 [18 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:37 PM on August 30, 2016 [18 favorites]
So he said, OK, since this seems to be causing problems between us, I will stop. Long story short, he didn’t stop.
Well, that's just it, isn't it? He has to do it, or cut down to what you are comfortable with.
While I wouldn't bail on it just yet, I would put him on notice that his next screwup is his last. You will have given your good faith effort to save the relationship, but ultimately, it's on him. Your move, boyfriend.
posted by Capt. Renault at 3:10 PM on August 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
Well, that's just it, isn't it? He has to do it, or cut down to what you are comfortable with.
While I wouldn't bail on it just yet, I would put him on notice that his next screwup is his last. You will have given your good faith effort to save the relationship, but ultimately, it's on him. Your move, boyfriend.
posted by Capt. Renault at 3:10 PM on August 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think you should separate, because he needs to quit drinking for himself, not for you.
You don't need to be with a guy who wants to drink, but doesn't because you don't want him to; you need to be with a guy who doesn't want to drink.
posted by MexicanYenta at 3:21 PM on August 30, 2016 [6 favorites]
You don't need to be with a guy who wants to drink, but doesn't because you don't want him to; you need to be with a guy who doesn't want to drink.
posted by MexicanYenta at 3:21 PM on August 30, 2016 [6 favorites]
Three months? Dump him and forget about it. Why would you even consider "separating"? You're not married, you barely know this dude. Let it go.
posted by bradbane at 3:30 PM on August 30, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by bradbane at 3:30 PM on August 30, 2016 [11 favorites]
You can't make decisions based on what will or won't cause him stress that will lead to drinking. That is textbook co-dependent thinking. It's not your responsibility to make his world stress free enough that he can stop drinking. You can't. It's up to him. You have to be honest about your feelings and what you want. In your shoes, I would break up with him. Recovery can take a long time.
posted by salvia at 4:00 PM on August 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by salvia at 4:00 PM on August 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
Congratulations for recognizing the situation. If you are not already in Al-Anon, I highly encourage checking out several meetings. I am the daughter of alcoholic parents and have had, partially as a result, lots of addicts and alcoholics in my life. You know that story about going down the road and falling into a hole, over and over again, until one day you don't? This question is you seeing the hole just before you fall into it again. This is your moment to make another choice, a choice based on your own needs and your desire to be with someone who is not an alcoholic. No one can save your boyfriend from alcohol but your boyfriend. You may choose to fall into that hole again. But you are not obligated to. The healthier choice would be putting yourself first and deciding that you do not need the drama or pain of living with another active alcoholic. Perhaps he will get himself sober; perhaps not. That is not your burden. It's not about what he says. It's about what he does and has done from the moment you met him. Do you want to fall back into that hole?
posted by Bella Donna at 4:24 PM on August 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 4:24 PM on August 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
Run. Now. If a broken 3 month relationship is enough to push him over the edge you don't want to make him your problem.
You can't fix him but you can try to support him and have him take you down with with him. He needs to really want to quit drinking and not just for the amount of time it takes to convince you to stay.
There are red flags and sirens going off all over up there in your question. Run, take cover, don't wait till you are drowning with him clinging to you like a vine begging "Please don't leave me, don't abandon me like everyone else does"
I am dealing with an alchoholic "friend" that I felt sorry for and tried to "be there" for. He too was caring, sensitive, hard working and has amazing potential. Now I'm having to hire a lawyer to pry the bloodsucking parasite out of my life. Good luck, but seriously, DTMF.
posted by BoscosMom at 4:35 PM on August 30, 2016 [5 favorites]
You can't fix him but you can try to support him and have him take you down with with him. He needs to really want to quit drinking and not just for the amount of time it takes to convince you to stay.
There are red flags and sirens going off all over up there in your question. Run, take cover, don't wait till you are drowning with him clinging to you like a vine begging "Please don't leave me, don't abandon me like everyone else does"
I am dealing with an alchoholic "friend" that I felt sorry for and tried to "be there" for. He too was caring, sensitive, hard working and has amazing potential. Now I'm having to hire a lawyer to pry the bloodsucking parasite out of my life. Good luck, but seriously, DTMF.
posted by BoscosMom at 4:35 PM on August 30, 2016 [5 favorites]
I didn't even bother to read below the fold.
Here's the short version of my story: basically I was you, bf said he "needed my help" to quit. Many years of heartbreak later a treatment center counselor (he was in treatment, I was attending family and friends support meetings) heard that and said "wow, that's a really seductive thing for him to have said to you". Light bulb moment. Yes, it is extremely powerful when someone looks at you pleadingly and says they need your help. It makes you feel important. But in the end it is only manipulation.
Trying to "help" an addict (fun fact: you CAN'T) is really draining; there is no emotional space in the relationship for who you want to be, or for you to grow in the direction that you want to. You will end up resenting him and pissed at yourself that you wasted your time when you could have found yourself a more available and together partner.
Move on.
posted by vignettist at 5:50 PM on August 30, 2016 [10 favorites]
Here's the short version of my story: basically I was you, bf said he "needed my help" to quit. Many years of heartbreak later a treatment center counselor (he was in treatment, I was attending family and friends support meetings) heard that and said "wow, that's a really seductive thing for him to have said to you". Light bulb moment. Yes, it is extremely powerful when someone looks at you pleadingly and says they need your help. It makes you feel important. But in the end it is only manipulation.
Trying to "help" an addict (fun fact: you CAN'T) is really draining; there is no emotional space in the relationship for who you want to be, or for you to grow in the direction that you want to. You will end up resenting him and pissed at yourself that you wasted your time when you could have found yourself a more available and together partner.
Move on.
posted by vignettist at 5:50 PM on August 30, 2016 [10 favorites]
Three months is not long enough to sacrifice so much.
But more importantly, the difference in how you two feel about alcohol is evidence of a fundamental mismatch.
posted by meemzi at 6:59 PM on August 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
But more importantly, the difference in how you two feel about alcohol is evidence of a fundamental mismatch.
posted by meemzi at 6:59 PM on August 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
I want to be there for him if that would help him. It would be hard on me to separate from him, but I'd do it if this was the best thing for him.
What about YOU and your needs? Adding to the chorus - let him go, and find yourself someone without these issues.
Letting him go doesn't mean abandonment. Your question and explanation below the fold read like you feel responsible for him, and his drinking, in some way. This is as much of a red flag as your desire to convince him that he has a problem.
Your only obligation is to make a decision for your present self and your future self, and it's entirely possible to do so with love and compassion. That's not being selfish or casting judgment on him. You can "let go with love" as they say, and reconnect at a later point if he finds the help he needs. But, at this point, he hasn't found the help he needs and doesn't really want to. Making a decision based solely on his needs/the needs of the relationship is clearly codependent behavior. You have to be OK with the possibility that he may not be OK emotionally if you break up with him. That's HIS issue to deal with, not yours. You're not responsible for his feelings. What I mean by that is that you don't have the ability to respond on his behalf - you can't control how he feels. But it seems you're trying to control how he feels by controlling this situation. You can't have it both ways. You have to make a choice.
You can't fix this. My advice - first, let him go, before it gets messy. Second, find a therapist if you have the resources to do so, if you have a pattern of dating people with addiction problems.
posted by onecircleaday at 7:03 PM on August 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
What about YOU and your needs? Adding to the chorus - let him go, and find yourself someone without these issues.
Letting him go doesn't mean abandonment. Your question and explanation below the fold read like you feel responsible for him, and his drinking, in some way. This is as much of a red flag as your desire to convince him that he has a problem.
Your only obligation is to make a decision for your present self and your future self, and it's entirely possible to do so with love and compassion. That's not being selfish or casting judgment on him. You can "let go with love" as they say, and reconnect at a later point if he finds the help he needs. But, at this point, he hasn't found the help he needs and doesn't really want to. Making a decision based solely on his needs/the needs of the relationship is clearly codependent behavior. You have to be OK with the possibility that he may not be OK emotionally if you break up with him. That's HIS issue to deal with, not yours. You're not responsible for his feelings. What I mean by that is that you don't have the ability to respond on his behalf - you can't control how he feels. But it seems you're trying to control how he feels by controlling this situation. You can't have it both ways. You have to make a choice.
You can't fix this. My advice - first, let him go, before it gets messy. Second, find a therapist if you have the resources to do so, if you have a pattern of dating people with addiction problems.
posted by onecircleaday at 7:03 PM on August 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
Recovering alky here.
The only person who can get him to quit is him. Sometimes the kindest thing is to let people experience the consequences of their actions. If you shield them from those consequences, what reason do they have to help themselves?
The other big lesson from "the rooms" here is:
On the airplane, they always tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before you put one on your child. If you pass out, you can't help any body, even yourself.
Take care of yourself first. It sounds selfish, but it is best for you, and probably best for BF.
posted by rudd135 at 8:17 PM on August 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
The only person who can get him to quit is him. Sometimes the kindest thing is to let people experience the consequences of their actions. If you shield them from those consequences, what reason do they have to help themselves?
The other big lesson from "the rooms" here is:
On the airplane, they always tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before you put one on your child. If you pass out, you can't help any body, even yourself.
Take care of yourself first. It sounds selfish, but it is best for you, and probably best for BF.
posted by rudd135 at 8:17 PM on August 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
You don't want to date an alcoholic? Then absolutely do not date this guy.
posted by MsMolly at 9:02 PM on August 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 9:02 PM on August 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
You don't want to date an alcoholic? Then absolutely do not date this guy.
Exactly! Recovery is no easy feat. You're already doing the kind of emotional work you'd be doing if you were with an alcoholic (discussing how much he's drinking, encouraging him to admit he has a problem...) because it does sound like he is an alcoholic.
Once, I asked a guy to quit drinking as a condition of us getting together. We got in a relationship. A year later, boom, he's drinking half a bottle of tequila per night. So much for that quitting! I would try not to start a relationship trying to change someone. It's really unlikely to work.
posted by salvia at 10:20 PM on August 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
Exactly! Recovery is no easy feat. You're already doing the kind of emotional work you'd be doing if you were with an alcoholic (discussing how much he's drinking, encouraging him to admit he has a problem...) because it does sound like he is an alcoholic.
Once, I asked a guy to quit drinking as a condition of us getting together. We got in a relationship. A year later, boom, he's drinking half a bottle of tequila per night. So much for that quitting! I would try not to start a relationship trying to change someone. It's really unlikely to work.
posted by salvia at 10:20 PM on August 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
Look into Al-Anon.
posted by soakimbo at 10:53 PM on August 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by soakimbo at 10:53 PM on August 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
You might like to check out Smart Recovery. Free and it can be as helpful to you as it could be to him should he want to make changes. It gives you a structured way to think about the issues you've described. I've found it useful in many areas of life, time well spent.
posted by egk at 7:14 AM on August 31, 2016
posted by egk at 7:14 AM on August 31, 2016
In my experience, preferences/behavior/lifestyle/habits pretty much come as-is in people (especially as they pertain to alcohol and drug consumption). You can choose to do battle over them (as in asking them to change one of those for your sake), but then the relationship pretty much becomes centered on that battle.
When you ask someone to stop doing something that they already do according to their own desires, you make them choose between your approval and that behavior. Then, when your partner inevitably indulges in that behavior (because that's what he likes to do, and did before you came along), he lets you down.
So every time he drinks, he will let you down. Setting up the expectation that "partner will not do X" usually leads to secrecy, resentment, and misery. You become the castigator, the policeman, the instiller of guilt. This will lead to a cyclical pattern of false hope and pain for both of you. It’s a losing game.
Your boyfriend drinks the way he does - the way he likes, the way he feels he needs to, or at least the way he's currently accustomed to. Patterns of alcohol consumption can be connected to all kinds of tricky emotional issues that make it difficult to change quickly. Separating for a few months will not change anything. This person, even if he stops drinking right this minute, will always struggle with this issue. You say you do not want to date person with a drinking problem (again), but guess what! You already are.
Since you've been through that particular drama and know its perils all too well, you can still choose to gracefully extricate yourself from a repeat with relatively little emotional damage. I believe that is the wise thing to do. You already feel responsible for his drinking and feel put-upon to save this guy. You're not. Free yourself from this utter mess before it sucks years of your life away.
Also, make sure to read up on fast forwarding.
posted by key_kat at 2:30 PM on August 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
When you ask someone to stop doing something that they already do according to their own desires, you make them choose between your approval and that behavior. Then, when your partner inevitably indulges in that behavior (because that's what he likes to do, and did before you came along), he lets you down.
So every time he drinks, he will let you down. Setting up the expectation that "partner will not do X" usually leads to secrecy, resentment, and misery. You become the castigator, the policeman, the instiller of guilt. This will lead to a cyclical pattern of false hope and pain for both of you. It’s a losing game.
Your boyfriend drinks the way he does - the way he likes, the way he feels he needs to, or at least the way he's currently accustomed to. Patterns of alcohol consumption can be connected to all kinds of tricky emotional issues that make it difficult to change quickly. Separating for a few months will not change anything. This person, even if he stops drinking right this minute, will always struggle with this issue. You say you do not want to date person with a drinking problem (again), but guess what! You already are.
Since you've been through that particular drama and know its perils all too well, you can still choose to gracefully extricate yourself from a repeat with relatively little emotional damage. I believe that is the wise thing to do. You already feel responsible for his drinking and feel put-upon to save this guy. You're not. Free yourself from this utter mess before it sucks years of your life away.
Also, make sure to read up on fast forwarding.
posted by key_kat at 2:30 PM on August 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
In that rather lengthy question, I missed seeing the part where BF's drinking has caused actual problems. Does he become argumentative, does he miss work, does he drink and drive, does he get into fights with strangers, does he pass out with a lit cigarette? If not, he might be right when he says he doesn't have a drinking problem.
Some people simply like to drink, and occasionally get a little drunk, without having it ruin their lives. (There are also proven health benefits in moderate drinking vs. not drinking at all.)
I would agree with previous posters who recommended breaking up with him - the important thing is that you're very uncomfortable with his drinking, even on occasions when he's not with you, so it's causing problems. Find someone who doesn't drink, and let him find someone who's comfortable dating a moderate drinker.
posted by Umami Dearest at 12:35 AM on September 1, 2016
Some people simply like to drink, and occasionally get a little drunk, without having it ruin their lives. (There are also proven health benefits in moderate drinking vs. not drinking at all.)
I would agree with previous posters who recommended breaking up with him - the important thing is that you're very uncomfortable with his drinking, even on occasions when he's not with you, so it's causing problems. Find someone who doesn't drink, and let him find someone who's comfortable dating a moderate drinker.
posted by Umami Dearest at 12:35 AM on September 1, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
That said, if you don't mind, how old is your boyfriend? It may make a difference in whether the appropriate advice is based on maturity issues or substance abuse issues. It doesn't have to be either/or, but still.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 1:05 PM on August 30, 2016 [4 favorites]