At 21, should I still continue to rely on "luck" to find a boyfriend?
August 24, 2016 2:59 PM Subscribe
I am 21 and I have never had a boyfriend. I've gotten to the point where I stare at other couples and start feeling depressed/sad. I do not really like the idea of online dating. I feel like anyone could easily find a significant other using a dating app and plus, you never know if you will get along with the person when you actually meet them. I am really shy ( I do not know if that is part of the reason why I have trouble finding someone to like me) and do not have any guy friends. I currently reside in Richmond, VA.
I have never been approached by a guy/asked out/or had a guy ask for me phone number, but I think I am reasonably attractive (some people say I am pretty and once in a blue moon a random guy on the street will call me beautiful). Sometimes I will catch a guy staring-but this really does not happen often. I am in shape-5'6 and weigh 125 pounds. I tried joining some clubs on my college campus but none of the guys seemed interested in me. Since I said I am really shy, I am not the one to approach a guy myself. Another thing is that my family members (they also do not want me to engage in online dating) still question me as to why I still do not have a boyfriend yet, so I also feel pressured. Is it still possible for me to find love "offline"? Even though I feel unlucky, should I still continue to rely on "luck" to find a boyfriend? I just wish I could find someone to love me instead of crying at other couples whenever I go out.
I have never been approached by a guy/asked out/or had a guy ask for me phone number, but I think I am reasonably attractive (some people say I am pretty and once in a blue moon a random guy on the street will call me beautiful). Sometimes I will catch a guy staring-but this really does not happen often. I am in shape-5'6 and weigh 125 pounds. I tried joining some clubs on my college campus but none of the guys seemed interested in me. Since I said I am really shy, I am not the one to approach a guy myself. Another thing is that my family members (they also do not want me to engage in online dating) still question me as to why I still do not have a boyfriend yet, so I also feel pressured. Is it still possible for me to find love "offline"? Even though I feel unlucky, should I still continue to rely on "luck" to find a boyfriend? I just wish I could find someone to love me instead of crying at other couples whenever I go out.
Luck favors the bold.
Online dating sucks. You'll get turned down by some people that you approach. You'll get inane messages from people that are looking for any woman rather than you. But it's also a good way for shy people to put themselves on the market and let people know they're interested and looking and it also gives a way to weed out people with wildly inappropriate views or incompatible lifestyles. And it beats being a wallflower.
I'd recommend you start with OKC and Bumble rather than Tinder, as the latter tends to be a little more hookup oriented.
As you get some more confidence though, I'd suggest trying a little more flirting socially. You're most likely to find people to date that will conveniently fit into your social circle at your same school.
posted by Candleman at 3:13 PM on August 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
Online dating sucks. You'll get turned down by some people that you approach. You'll get inane messages from people that are looking for any woman rather than you. But it's also a good way for shy people to put themselves on the market and let people know they're interested and looking and it also gives a way to weed out people with wildly inappropriate views or incompatible lifestyles. And it beats being a wallflower.
I'd recommend you start with OKC and Bumble rather than Tinder, as the latter tends to be a little more hookup oriented.
As you get some more confidence though, I'd suggest trying a little more flirting socially. You're most likely to find people to date that will conveniently fit into your social circle at your same school.
posted by Candleman at 3:13 PM on August 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
I have never been approached by a guy/asked out/or had a guy ask for me phone number...Since I said I am really shy, I am not the one to approach a guy myself.
This is not fair. What if the guy of your dreams is super shy too? Why should it fall on him to approach you? If a guy is staring at you, and you find him reasonably attractive, you should go talk to that guy. It might turn out that he is a garbage person, but you won't find that out without using your words.
Another thing is that my family members (they also do not want me to engage in online dating) still question me as to why I still do not have a boyfriend yet, so I also feel pressured.
Ignore all of this.
That being said: I do not really like the idea of online dating. I feel like anyone could easily find a significant other using a dating app and plus, you never know if you will get along with the person when you actually meet them.
I think you are confused about how dating apps (generally) work. It's not like you choose one guy and he chooses you and then you are in a relationship. You use the app to help you find people to go on dates with. That's "people" and "dates" plural. It's expected that you'll get to know each other over the course of said dates.
I also think you might be more comfortable with more traditional dating apps/sites (like okcupid or (ick)e-Harmony), because the expectation is that there will be more communication before meeting up. Apps like Tinder seem like they are just about finding a cute face and meeting as soon as possible, which might not be great (or maybe that's just what you need).
Regardless, 21 is super young, and if you're too shy to talk to people it is not surprising that you haven't had a boyfriend yet. And that's fine, because teens through early twenties romance is fraught with angst and drama and generally more trouble than it's worth.
Even though I feel unlucky, should I still continue to rely on "luck" to find a boyfriend?
If you didn't buy lottery tickets, and then you didn't win, would you say that you felt "unlucky"? Because by not approaching guys you're trying to play the lottery without buying tickets.
posted by sparklemotion at 3:21 PM on August 24, 2016 [20 favorites]
This is not fair. What if the guy of your dreams is super shy too? Why should it fall on him to approach you? If a guy is staring at you, and you find him reasonably attractive, you should go talk to that guy. It might turn out that he is a garbage person, but you won't find that out without using your words.
Another thing is that my family members (they also do not want me to engage in online dating) still question me as to why I still do not have a boyfriend yet, so I also feel pressured.
Ignore all of this.
That being said: I do not really like the idea of online dating. I feel like anyone could easily find a significant other using a dating app and plus, you never know if you will get along with the person when you actually meet them.
I think you are confused about how dating apps (generally) work. It's not like you choose one guy and he chooses you and then you are in a relationship. You use the app to help you find people to go on dates with. That's "people" and "dates" plural. It's expected that you'll get to know each other over the course of said dates.
I also think you might be more comfortable with more traditional dating apps/sites (like okcupid or (ick)e-Harmony), because the expectation is that there will be more communication before meeting up. Apps like Tinder seem like they are just about finding a cute face and meeting as soon as possible, which might not be great (or maybe that's just what you need).
Regardless, 21 is super young, and if you're too shy to talk to people it is not surprising that you haven't had a boyfriend yet. And that's fine, because teens through early twenties romance is fraught with angst and drama and generally more trouble than it's worth.
Even though I feel unlucky, should I still continue to rely on "luck" to find a boyfriend?
If you didn't buy lottery tickets, and then you didn't win, would you say that you felt "unlucky"? Because by not approaching guys you're trying to play the lottery without buying tickets.
posted by sparklemotion at 3:21 PM on August 24, 2016 [20 favorites]
I just wish I could find someone to love me instead of crying at other couples whenever I go out.
Agree with Candleman above, and I also wanted to say, make sure if you do decide to meet people in real life (or I guess even online too) that you don't come across as desperate. Your line above made me wonder if when you go out with friends or whatever, if people see you and just know that you are feeling sad and looking for love and otherwise would have come over and said hi. Unfortunately, for most people I've met, this can be a huge turn off.
To answer your main question - whether you depend on luck or do online dating - there's no real right answer. Do what you feel comfortable with, don't worry about your family so much. It's okay if you haven't met/dated anyone yet. Find things/hobbies that interest you and you may meet people that way, if you decide not to go online.
posted by FireFountain at 3:23 PM on August 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Agree with Candleman above, and I also wanted to say, make sure if you do decide to meet people in real life (or I guess even online too) that you don't come across as desperate. Your line above made me wonder if when you go out with friends or whatever, if people see you and just know that you are feeling sad and looking for love and otherwise would have come over and said hi. Unfortunately, for most people I've met, this can be a huge turn off.
To answer your main question - whether you depend on luck or do online dating - there's no real right answer. Do what you feel comfortable with, don't worry about your family so much. It's okay if you haven't met/dated anyone yet. Find things/hobbies that interest you and you may meet people that way, if you decide not to go online.
posted by FireFountain at 3:23 PM on August 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Hi, I am so-and-so, what's your name?
It's that easy. You see someone you want to talk to, go up to them and do that. Something may ensue, or not. Afterwards, RETREAT! to the toilet, the patio, the next block, your house, the library. You may find other people who RETREAT! after uncomfortable interaction. If you see one and they have what you are looking for, see if they go somewhere you could also go. Kindred spirits make great partners and can become confident in the face of family and strangers together and individually. That's something to discuss with your future boyfriend!
posted by parmanparman at 3:24 PM on August 24, 2016
It's that easy. You see someone you want to talk to, go up to them and do that. Something may ensue, or not. Afterwards, RETREAT! to the toilet, the patio, the next block, your house, the library. You may find other people who RETREAT! after uncomfortable interaction. If you see one and they have what you are looking for, see if they go somewhere you could also go. Kindred spirits make great partners and can become confident in the face of family and strangers together and individually. That's something to discuss with your future boyfriend!
posted by parmanparman at 3:24 PM on August 24, 2016
I do not really like the idea of online dating. I feel like anyone could easily find a significant other using a dating app
Online dating can be effective, and it usually isn't easy, but even if it was easy, that's a poor reason to want to avoid it. Finding someone isn't a competition of overcoming the worst odds of success, the purpose is to find the best person for you that you can. Perhaps the most powerful way to find the best person is to have access to a lot of options/opportunity. Which is why online dating can be very effective. (But as noted, it's usually not easy, and can easily be grueling.) I'm not trying to railroad you into trying it, your comment above makes me think you're focusing on unhealthy things that are creating barriers, and you should Stay On Target ;)
posted by anonymisc at 3:28 PM on August 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
Online dating can be effective, and it usually isn't easy, but even if it was easy, that's a poor reason to want to avoid it. Finding someone isn't a competition of overcoming the worst odds of success, the purpose is to find the best person for you that you can. Perhaps the most powerful way to find the best person is to have access to a lot of options/opportunity. Which is why online dating can be very effective. (But as noted, it's usually not easy, and can easily be grueling.) I'm not trying to railroad you into trying it, your comment above makes me think you're focusing on unhealthy things that are creating barriers, and you should Stay On Target ;)
posted by anonymisc at 3:28 PM on August 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
No don't rely on luck to get a boyfriend.
Instead use your social skills to get dates with different guys which may lead to a boyfriend.
To get better social skills read a book about managing social anxiety and start practicing what you read.
In the meantime stop imagining how happy all those couples are and remember that half of them are really miserable and want to be single.
posted by SyraCarol at 3:31 PM on August 24, 2016
Instead use your social skills to get dates with different guys which may lead to a boyfriend.
To get better social skills read a book about managing social anxiety and start practicing what you read.
In the meantime stop imagining how happy all those couples are and remember that half of them are really miserable and want to be single.
posted by SyraCarol at 3:31 PM on August 24, 2016
You may be getting expressions of interest, failing to recognize them and inadvertently shutting them down due to your shyness.
Random strangers on the street OR dating apps are not the only options. Shy people usually are more comfortable opening up with friends in a close knit social circle. Pursuing mixed gender hobbies with a strong social element may work better for you.
But, no, you shouldn't rely on luck. If nothing else, work on increasing the odds of meeting someone by getting more social contact of some sort.
posted by Michele in California at 3:53 PM on August 24, 2016 [4 favorites]
Random strangers on the street OR dating apps are not the only options. Shy people usually are more comfortable opening up with friends in a close knit social circle. Pursuing mixed gender hobbies with a strong social element may work better for you.
But, no, you shouldn't rely on luck. If nothing else, work on increasing the odds of meeting someone by getting more social contact of some sort.
posted by Michele in California at 3:53 PM on August 24, 2016 [4 favorites]
Hey OP, I was you at 21! Except like, shorter and not pretty. Anyway. For us shy people, there's a middle ground between aggressively online dating/asking people out and sitting around waiting for lighting to strike. Try sending out some cues to dudes you're interested in -- hang behind after your club meetings to chat with a cute boy, make eye contact with him and give him a smile from across the room, spread things out over a longer period of time, keep things lightweight and fun and either you've got yourself a new friend (who might be able to introduce you to other awesome single guys!) or one of you (wo)mans up and asks the other out. There have been lots of previous AskMe questions about flirting, etc, so maybe you would like to peruse the archives.
Also something to keep in mind: decent, respectful dudes will generally wait for you to express some interest before full-blown asking you out. If you are passively waiting for someone to ask you out without sending your own cues, you might end up with the tone-deaf dudes who don't actually care about how you feel, or who are desperate enough to ask any warm female body out.
OK. Like I said, I am very familiar with feeling like this, and I might be projecting a little for this part, so feel free to ignore it. But. Do you... like any of the guys you meet? Like, as individuals, not just potential boyfriends? You say that none of the guys in your clubs seem interested in you, but are you interested in any of them? People pick up on desperation, and no one wants to feel like a generic "placeholder boyfriend". I would suggest you try your best to ignore your family's comments and think about what you want out of a relationship (if you do in fact want one), and then proceed from there. Best of luck.
posted by btfreek at 3:59 PM on August 24, 2016 [13 favorites]
Also something to keep in mind: decent, respectful dudes will generally wait for you to express some interest before full-blown asking you out. If you are passively waiting for someone to ask you out without sending your own cues, you might end up with the tone-deaf dudes who don't actually care about how you feel, or who are desperate enough to ask any warm female body out.
OK. Like I said, I am very familiar with feeling like this, and I might be projecting a little for this part, so feel free to ignore it. But. Do you... like any of the guys you meet? Like, as individuals, not just potential boyfriends? You say that none of the guys in your clubs seem interested in you, but are you interested in any of them? People pick up on desperation, and no one wants to feel like a generic "placeholder boyfriend". I would suggest you try your best to ignore your family's comments and think about what you want out of a relationship (if you do in fact want one), and then proceed from there. Best of luck.
posted by btfreek at 3:59 PM on August 24, 2016 [13 favorites]
Oh, girl.
1. YOU ARE OK. No matter what you do. No matter if you have a boyfriend, go out with a whole string of dudes, have tons of friends, have no friends, are active on your college campus, prefer to stay in and watch Gilmore Girls, whatever. No matter what you do about any of this or what the result is, you rule and fuck anyone who says otherwise. (Sorry if you are already clear on this, I just remember how easy it was to fall for the idea that having a boyfriend or being sought-after by guys was the One True Form Of Validation, when I was 21.)
2. Tell your family to fuck off. You have literally the next 60+ years of your life to get a boyfriend. This time in your life is for so many other things, things I trust you are doing to the hilt. It's fine to have a boyfriend at 21, but it's also awesome not to. Also, fuck everyone who gives you shit for not having a boyfriend and then in the next breath passes judgment on women who would actually TRY to get a boyfriend ew ew ew ew ew. How do these people think women get boyfriends, if not doing stuff like online dating?
3. OK. You want to maybe experiment with being more romantically available to dudes, but you don't want to go online, and nor do you want to ask a bunch of dudes out. It sounds like you're in the prime position to do this. College is probably the last time of your life you will be stuck in with thousands of people who are your age, have lots of time on their hands, and are all looking for the same thing you're looking for.
3a. When I was in college one million years ago in the early 00's, guys didn't Ask Girls Out or Get Your Number or the like. Instead, what would happen was that you'd hang out with a big co-ed group of people (or, if queer, with a bunch of people of your orientation and preferred gender). As the evening would progress, people would naturally separate into smaller groups. Sometimes there would be alcohol or weed. If your group included a person you were into, you would engineer it so that you separated out from the main group one on one, with them. Depending on what kind of crowd you ran in, either you would use this time to talk and literally get to know each other more, or make out, hook up, etc. College is probably the last time in your life you can sit up all night just talking with someone about whatever the fuck pops into your heads. Honestly, by the time you get to your 30s, it gets tiresome to carve out the space to explain your whole life story to a new person. But in college? You can spend a whole evening just sitting around in the Walmart parking lot talking about everything.
3b. If you like someone in your social circle, do the above. If, no matter how hard you try, you never end up paired up with the person you like, they probably don't like you back and you should find someone else. Don't let this stuff turn into massive unrequited crushes. It'll just break your heart in the end.
3c. There is nothing wrong with you if all of the above sounds tiresome and you don't want to do it. I've known a surprising number of people who didn't really date much in college, and they all grew up to be totally normal people who had no problems getting into relationships later when it's more about asking people out on dates and such.
4. You are pretty and anyone who thinks you aren't is a dick. Don't worry about your weight or anything, either. Having a boyfriend or getting a lot of attention from the opposite sex is not a marker of your attractiveness, and as mentioned above, your attractiveness is not a marker of your value in this world.
5. I mean, it's all down to "luck" in the end, anyway, isn't it? 21 is a perfectly OK age to just coast along, and if you find someone you like and they like you back, cool. You have literally decades upon decades to find someone. Even if you are into the idea of marriage, kids, etc. seriously, girl, I am 35 and getting married in 6 months and recently posted a question how to get ready to have kids. I have friends who are older than me who intend to have kids and do not have them yet. Please don't fall for all this social pressure for women to be 100% zeroed in on landing a man, or your ovaries will dry up by the time you're 28 or whatever. You have all the time in the world, and actively pursuing dating right now (as opposed to just letting it happen or not or whatever) is not going to meaningfully change the trajectory of any of this.
6. YOU ARE OK.
posted by Sara C. at 4:23 PM on August 24, 2016 [9 favorites]
1. YOU ARE OK. No matter what you do. No matter if you have a boyfriend, go out with a whole string of dudes, have tons of friends, have no friends, are active on your college campus, prefer to stay in and watch Gilmore Girls, whatever. No matter what you do about any of this or what the result is, you rule and fuck anyone who says otherwise. (Sorry if you are already clear on this, I just remember how easy it was to fall for the idea that having a boyfriend or being sought-after by guys was the One True Form Of Validation, when I was 21.)
2. Tell your family to fuck off. You have literally the next 60+ years of your life to get a boyfriend. This time in your life is for so many other things, things I trust you are doing to the hilt. It's fine to have a boyfriend at 21, but it's also awesome not to. Also, fuck everyone who gives you shit for not having a boyfriend and then in the next breath passes judgment on women who would actually TRY to get a boyfriend ew ew ew ew ew. How do these people think women get boyfriends, if not doing stuff like online dating?
3. OK. You want to maybe experiment with being more romantically available to dudes, but you don't want to go online, and nor do you want to ask a bunch of dudes out. It sounds like you're in the prime position to do this. College is probably the last time of your life you will be stuck in with thousands of people who are your age, have lots of time on their hands, and are all looking for the same thing you're looking for.
3a. When I was in college one million years ago in the early 00's, guys didn't Ask Girls Out or Get Your Number or the like. Instead, what would happen was that you'd hang out with a big co-ed group of people (or, if queer, with a bunch of people of your orientation and preferred gender). As the evening would progress, people would naturally separate into smaller groups. Sometimes there would be alcohol or weed. If your group included a person you were into, you would engineer it so that you separated out from the main group one on one, with them. Depending on what kind of crowd you ran in, either you would use this time to talk and literally get to know each other more, or make out, hook up, etc. College is probably the last time in your life you can sit up all night just talking with someone about whatever the fuck pops into your heads. Honestly, by the time you get to your 30s, it gets tiresome to carve out the space to explain your whole life story to a new person. But in college? You can spend a whole evening just sitting around in the Walmart parking lot talking about everything.
3b. If you like someone in your social circle, do the above. If, no matter how hard you try, you never end up paired up with the person you like, they probably don't like you back and you should find someone else. Don't let this stuff turn into massive unrequited crushes. It'll just break your heart in the end.
3c. There is nothing wrong with you if all of the above sounds tiresome and you don't want to do it. I've known a surprising number of people who didn't really date much in college, and they all grew up to be totally normal people who had no problems getting into relationships later when it's more about asking people out on dates and such.
4. You are pretty and anyone who thinks you aren't is a dick. Don't worry about your weight or anything, either. Having a boyfriend or getting a lot of attention from the opposite sex is not a marker of your attractiveness, and as mentioned above, your attractiveness is not a marker of your value in this world.
5. I mean, it's all down to "luck" in the end, anyway, isn't it? 21 is a perfectly OK age to just coast along, and if you find someone you like and they like you back, cool. You have literally decades upon decades to find someone. Even if you are into the idea of marriage, kids, etc. seriously, girl, I am 35 and getting married in 6 months and recently posted a question how to get ready to have kids. I have friends who are older than me who intend to have kids and do not have them yet. Please don't fall for all this social pressure for women to be 100% zeroed in on landing a man, or your ovaries will dry up by the time you're 28 or whatever. You have all the time in the world, and actively pursuing dating right now (as opposed to just letting it happen or not or whatever) is not going to meaningfully change the trajectory of any of this.
6. YOU ARE OK.
posted by Sara C. at 4:23 PM on August 24, 2016 [9 favorites]
First off- not having a boyfriend at 21 isn't that weird. My first romantic partner was 26 before ever going on a date or kissing anyone, and they were WONDERFUL- a great partner, a great person, and super fun to date. We had a fantastic 2 year relationship and are still friends over a decade later. So don't stress about that.
I think it would be good to work on having guy friends, first. It sounds like you don't know a lot of guys very well, and this means that the jump to dating might feel a bit weird. I think it would be good to get used to being comfortable and joking around or having deep conversations with guys. So maybe try some of these strategies (Sorry if they're too basic, I'm imagining a specific shy friend of mine and the advice I've given to her- it helped, in her case).
- Say hi to 3 guys you know on sight, every day. Have little conversations with them: "Big plans for the weekend?" "What kind of muffin is that?" "Are you in my Bio class? What's your name again? Oh hi, I'm Lisa. How do you find the class?"
- Ask a more chatty female friend to organize some group events, like study sessions or games nights. Go to those. You don't have to talk much, just smile and try to feel calm and comfortable and make sure you learn everyone's name before the end of the night. Then always say hi to everyone who was there.
- Travel to and from a joint activity with a guy several times - like walk together between classes. Try to sustain a convo with him for the whole walk. Talk about the class, how he likes it, ask if he grew up in this town, how he likes it, etc. Asking them an open-ended question about their opinions like "How do you find it?" is a super easy way to have a convo.
- Once the above feels comfortable, see if you can manage to spontaneously hang out while eating or having coffee with a guy. "Are you going to the cafeteria? Me too, mind if I join you?" Then you can chat for longer, it's a practice date with no pressure.
- Be sincere! It is 100% ok and actually charming to say something like, "I am kinda shy and sometimes I don't know what to say, but I really like hanging out with people!"
- Odds are high these strategies will lead to making some guy friends, which will likely lead to crushes, flirting, and dating. Probably helpful to ease into dating from a friend position, rather than straight into online dating with strangers (which is great and worth trying later), but it might feel better to stay close to your existing social circle at first when you're so new to the dating world.
- Read "How To Win Friends and Influence People"- it's a classic book about how to talk to people, super easy to read, great strategies. It will probably help you feel less shy.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:32 PM on August 24, 2016 [4 favorites]
I think it would be good to work on having guy friends, first. It sounds like you don't know a lot of guys very well, and this means that the jump to dating might feel a bit weird. I think it would be good to get used to being comfortable and joking around or having deep conversations with guys. So maybe try some of these strategies (Sorry if they're too basic, I'm imagining a specific shy friend of mine and the advice I've given to her- it helped, in her case).
- Say hi to 3 guys you know on sight, every day. Have little conversations with them: "Big plans for the weekend?" "What kind of muffin is that?" "Are you in my Bio class? What's your name again? Oh hi, I'm Lisa. How do you find the class?"
- Ask a more chatty female friend to organize some group events, like study sessions or games nights. Go to those. You don't have to talk much, just smile and try to feel calm and comfortable and make sure you learn everyone's name before the end of the night. Then always say hi to everyone who was there.
- Travel to and from a joint activity with a guy several times - like walk together between classes. Try to sustain a convo with him for the whole walk. Talk about the class, how he likes it, ask if he grew up in this town, how he likes it, etc. Asking them an open-ended question about their opinions like "How do you find it?" is a super easy way to have a convo.
- Once the above feels comfortable, see if you can manage to spontaneously hang out while eating or having coffee with a guy. "Are you going to the cafeteria? Me too, mind if I join you?" Then you can chat for longer, it's a practice date with no pressure.
- Be sincere! It is 100% ok and actually charming to say something like, "I am kinda shy and sometimes I don't know what to say, but I really like hanging out with people!"
- Odds are high these strategies will lead to making some guy friends, which will likely lead to crushes, flirting, and dating. Probably helpful to ease into dating from a friend position, rather than straight into online dating with strangers (which is great and worth trying later), but it might feel better to stay close to your existing social circle at first when you're so new to the dating world.
- Read "How To Win Friends and Influence People"- it's a classic book about how to talk to people, super easy to read, great strategies. It will probably help you feel less shy.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:32 PM on August 24, 2016 [4 favorites]
Pseudostrabismus has it, as well as an awesome username. Just ease into figuring out how to talk to other people, including the male ones, at social events and activities you enjoy. Besides the excellent steps pseudostrabismus sets forth, also consider asking an existing close female friend to help you on this mission of figuring out how to talk to people you don't know well yet, including guys.
Dating apps and online dating are actually a great way to find someone serious, but not right now, when you are still figuring out how to socialize with people you've already met.
posted by bearwife at 4:38 PM on August 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Dating apps and online dating are actually a great way to find someone serious, but not right now, when you are still figuring out how to socialize with people you've already met.
posted by bearwife at 4:38 PM on August 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Good advice above.
Online dating is, or can be, great for shy quiet people. It's a good way for two shy quiet people to find each other and get a sense of who the other is, so the first date isn't a blind date. I met someone online I had a great romance with online (didn't work out, mostly due to circumstances beyond our control). We'd have never met otherwise, seeing as how we were both studying or home reading all the time! I say try it.
posted by jrobin276 at 6:20 PM on August 24, 2016
Online dating is, or can be, great for shy quiet people. It's a good way for two shy quiet people to find each other and get a sense of who the other is, so the first date isn't a blind date. I met someone online I had a great romance with online (didn't work out, mostly due to circumstances beyond our control). We'd have never met otherwise, seeing as how we were both studying or home reading all the time! I say try it.
posted by jrobin276 at 6:20 PM on August 24, 2016
Whether or not you're shy, NO ONE likes to feel rejected. So, Sue's not going to ask out Frank if she doesn't think Frank might say yes. And she will be more likely to think Frank will say yes if Frank spends time with Sue, and texts her occassionally, and talks to her at social gatherings.
So I guess rather than focusing on "why don't people like me?" I would focus on "How do I show people I like that I'm interested?" That will increase the likelihood that someone you like will ask you out.
And yes, tell your family that it's none of their business.
posted by samthemander at 7:09 PM on August 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
So I guess rather than focusing on "why don't people like me?" I would focus on "How do I show people I like that I'm interested?" That will increase the likelihood that someone you like will ask you out.
And yes, tell your family that it's none of their business.
posted by samthemander at 7:09 PM on August 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Your family has odd and judgmental opinions about what constitutes normal dating behavior. Please ignore all of their input and know that there is nothing wrong with either being single or with dating people you meet online.
I am also fairly shy and had a hard time meeting people in my early 20s. It's a hard feeling when other people around you seem to partner easily, and you are single. I started online dating at 22-23; it was a mixed bag. I had some awful dates, some fine dates that went nowhere, a few short relationships, and one pretty good mid-term relationship as a result. I regret none of them. You will almost certainly meet people you don't click with in person, but that's fine. You'll forget them if they're boring, or you'll get an amazing story out of the encounter if they're jerks.
I would suggest that you at least give online dating a try, if you want to meet more people, but first I'd suggest that you try some clubs or activities on campus that seem interesting to you, regardless of whether they attract single guys who are interested in you. Or don't, and spend more time doing a hobby you enjoy. All the love, kindness, sexiness you want to share with a partner--focus some of it on yourself for a while and find ways to enjoy your free time.
posted by Owlcat at 7:16 PM on August 24, 2016
I am also fairly shy and had a hard time meeting people in my early 20s. It's a hard feeling when other people around you seem to partner easily, and you are single. I started online dating at 22-23; it was a mixed bag. I had some awful dates, some fine dates that went nowhere, a few short relationships, and one pretty good mid-term relationship as a result. I regret none of them. You will almost certainly meet people you don't click with in person, but that's fine. You'll forget them if they're boring, or you'll get an amazing story out of the encounter if they're jerks.
I would suggest that you at least give online dating a try, if you want to meet more people, but first I'd suggest that you try some clubs or activities on campus that seem interesting to you, regardless of whether they attract single guys who are interested in you. Or don't, and spend more time doing a hobby you enjoy. All the love, kindness, sexiness you want to share with a partner--focus some of it on yourself for a while and find ways to enjoy your free time.
posted by Owlcat at 7:16 PM on August 24, 2016
Failure to plan is planning to fail; don't rely on luck. Do social things that involve meeting lots of people, where there are lots of people of the attracting sex. As someone who has been there, I think if you can't do friendships well, you can't do romantic relationships well. So get better at friendships.
I don't do well at house parties, even if I'm not looking to date anyone. I do enjoy social dancing. Social dancing has a fairly high turnover of new people, so it's an excellent place to meet potential dates. I think casual sports do too; people often bring friends or subs to matches, plus the other team. So find your scene, where there's a core of people you can feel comfortable with and enough new people to be exposed to if you don't find someone right away. Hmm, I guess you could also be the person that goes to a wide variety of random events, but I think that's harder for us shy people.
posted by flimflam at 7:47 PM on August 24, 2016
I don't do well at house parties, even if I'm not looking to date anyone. I do enjoy social dancing. Social dancing has a fairly high turnover of new people, so it's an excellent place to meet potential dates. I think casual sports do too; people often bring friends or subs to matches, plus the other team. So find your scene, where there's a core of people you can feel comfortable with and enough new people to be exposed to if you don't find someone right away. Hmm, I guess you could also be the person that goes to a wide variety of random events, but I think that's harder for us shy people.
posted by flimflam at 7:47 PM on August 24, 2016
This is a serious question - if you don't approach anyone in real life, and you aren't doing online dating, how would you be expecting to meet someone to date? It sounds like you're not getting set up on blind dates by folks you know or taking up new hobbies/activities in an effort to get to know people, so.... I think it would be a step beyond 'luck' into 'miracle' territory if someone just walked up to you on the street and asked you for a date and that person was actually good dating material.
You've got to be willing to put yourself out there in some way, and if you're not, maybe some of the sad feelings you're getting when seeing couples together is really about something else that's missing from your life. I don't think you have to be looking for a boyfriend at all, but if you're saying you're not happy with your situation but you don't like any of the solutions to it, then you definitely have to spend some time thinking about "how can I approach my own fears about this problem, what are the barriers and what are the ways around them" rather than just sort of abstractly "I wish I had a boyfriend already". I hope that makes sense, I don't mean to be too 'tough love' because I get how unappealing dating can be to a shy person (or to anyone, really), and that's part of the reason I've typically been a serial monogamist.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:44 PM on August 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
You've got to be willing to put yourself out there in some way, and if you're not, maybe some of the sad feelings you're getting when seeing couples together is really about something else that's missing from your life. I don't think you have to be looking for a boyfriend at all, but if you're saying you're not happy with your situation but you don't like any of the solutions to it, then you definitely have to spend some time thinking about "how can I approach my own fears about this problem, what are the barriers and what are the ways around them" rather than just sort of abstractly "I wish I had a boyfriend already". I hope that makes sense, I don't mean to be too 'tough love' because I get how unappealing dating can be to a shy person (or to anyone, really), and that's part of the reason I've typically been a serial monogamist.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:44 PM on August 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
I do not really like the idea of online dating. I feel like anyone could easily find a significant other using a dating app
You say that like it's a negative thing!
and plus, you never know if you will get along with the person when you actually meet them.
You'll never know until you try it.
posted by John Cohen at 9:08 PM on August 24, 2016
You say that like it's a negative thing!
and plus, you never know if you will get along with the person when you actually meet them.
You'll never know until you try it.
posted by John Cohen at 9:08 PM on August 24, 2016
Co-ed volleyball. Seriously. I know four couples (all still together) who met while playing together in a not-very competitive volleyball league every week. Low-key, lots of fun, and you are going to be sweaty and mussed up, so there will be no illusions that you will always look perfectly made up.
posted by my-sharona at 12:01 AM on August 25, 2016
posted by my-sharona at 12:01 AM on August 25, 2016
First off: despite what your family says, if you don't feel ready for a boyfriend yet, that's totally ok. You've still got so much time.
But if you yourself want a boyfriend, then I think you need to internalize this fact: you go on dates by talking to other people and showing interest in them. You don't go on dates by sitting in a corner and waiting for someone to come and talk to you. I say this as a pretty shy person myself. And a lot of first dates involve making conversation with someone you don't know very well. So if you don't want to do online dating, practice your small talk skills with everyone you meet. Small talk is what leads to bigger conversations--it's a way to get a sense of someone before you start talking about more personal stuff.
posted by colfax at 6:25 AM on August 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
But if you yourself want a boyfriend, then I think you need to internalize this fact: you go on dates by talking to other people and showing interest in them. You don't go on dates by sitting in a corner and waiting for someone to come and talk to you. I say this as a pretty shy person myself. And a lot of first dates involve making conversation with someone you don't know very well. So if you don't want to do online dating, practice your small talk skills with everyone you meet. Small talk is what leads to bigger conversations--it's a way to get a sense of someone before you start talking about more personal stuff.
posted by colfax at 6:25 AM on August 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
To avoid a bad experience, before you put yourself out there, read up a little on Game/PUA/red pill so you know it when you see it.
Guys I know who do go up and ask girls out for dates, choose ones who first smile at them. I am not suggesting that guys should do this: many women have horrible problems with being hit on and I don't want to expand this problem, but for you, a friendly smile may help a similarly shy guy talk with you (I can't believe I just gave the same advice as Marge Simpson's mother).
posted by 445supermag at 8:16 AM on August 25, 2016
Guys I know who do go up and ask girls out for dates, choose ones who first smile at them. I am not suggesting that guys should do this: many women have horrible problems with being hit on and I don't want to expand this problem, but for you, a friendly smile may help a similarly shy guy talk with you (I can't believe I just gave the same advice as Marge Simpson's mother).
posted by 445supermag at 8:16 AM on August 25, 2016
What are your hobbies? Maybe you could cultivate a group of friends first through mutual interest. It is easier to vet potential partners if you know them socially first. Why not go to meetup.com and look for events near you that correspond to your interests?
posted by domo at 2:36 PM on August 25, 2016
posted by domo at 2:36 PM on August 25, 2016
I have never been approached by a guy/asked out/or had a guy ask for me phone number
none of the guys seemed interested in me
You seem to be putting the onus on 100% on guys to do this for you.
Were you ever interested in any of the guys? Did you meet and that you might have been interested in?
If you see someone you might have an interest in, despite your shyness, you need to get to know them a bit, and generally that means either talking to them, or sharing an activity or both. These things can bring you closer to either knowing you're interested in each other, or knowing you're not.
Putting yourself in situations like this multiple times will be far more productive than just waiting for guys to develop interest from a distance.
So get better at friendships
This - friends first, romantic interest will follow if the stars are aligned.
posted by HiroProtagonist at 2:39 PM on August 25, 2016
none of the guys seemed interested in me
You seem to be putting the onus on 100% on guys to do this for you.
Were you ever interested in any of the guys? Did you meet and that you might have been interested in?
If you see someone you might have an interest in, despite your shyness, you need to get to know them a bit, and generally that means either talking to them, or sharing an activity or both. These things can bring you closer to either knowing you're interested in each other, or knowing you're not.
Putting yourself in situations like this multiple times will be far more productive than just waiting for guys to develop interest from a distance.
So get better at friendships
This - friends first, romantic interest will follow if the stars are aligned.
posted by HiroProtagonist at 2:39 PM on August 25, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
That said, it's never too early to start working on your shyness (speaking as someone who is still very shy, but has improved their social skills greatly since age 21!). Things like basic conversation, flirting, and even (gasp) asking people out become much, much less stressful and more effective as you practice them. Not everyone is a natural with social skills, but everyone can improve.
posted by randomnity at 3:11 PM on August 24, 2016 [1 favorite]