Sexsomnia and Body Policing
August 1, 2016 12:02 AM   Subscribe

So, it appears I have some kind of sexsomnia, where I masturbate while I'm sleeping. I will wake up occasionally with my hands in my pants, with no recollection of anything. This is bothersome to me and my husband, for different reasons.

To be honest, I have no idea when this started or how long I've been doing it or why. My husband believes that it's been going on for over a year?

I would have never known about the masturbation except when it came to a head: where my husband basically believed that I was hiding my nocturnal masturbation from him. He was afraid to bring it up, thinking that I was doing it on the sly!! In the meantime, I had no idea at all what was going on, and he insists that it was frequent enough to keep him from sleeping.

So, finally he brings it up (worried he'd embarrass me), and I am mortified because: OF COURSE I WASN'T HIDING IT in our marital bed like some kind of psychopath. The thought that I would hurt my feelings.

So I say, if this is bothering you and keeping you awake, let's go talk to my family doctor.

We go to my family doctor, who has never heard of this behavior, nor has he had to address it as a problem.

In the doctor's office we come up with:
1. If it happens, wake me up and let me know
2. ???

I mean, frankly, I wasn't even convinced I was doing it until my husband started waking me up by gently tickling my wrist, which has happened twice now. Once, just now in fact. I say, "Did I wake you up?" and he says, "I think so" - so I'm downstairs with my pillows trying to make myself tired enough to get back to sleep.

Here is my problem:

1. Now I feel very body-policed in my own bed, while I'm unconscious.
2. I have no control over this and I feel like it probably isn't something "wrong" or that's just going to stop on its own.
3. I have no way of knowing whether my masturbating is waking him up, or if he's waking up to find me masturbating in my sleep. I don't think he knows. Is this worth thinking about? Does it matter?
4. Is it weird for this whole situation to bother me? If sexsomnia doesn't involve touching the other person or say, rocking the bed, how bad is it?
5. Is it time for separate beds?
posted by Dressed to Kill to Human Relations (24 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

 
There are two entirely different things going on here.

1. It is possible that you have a sleep habit which disturbs your sleeping partner. It is absolutely no different to any other sleeping habit e.g. snoring, restlessness, sleep talking or walking, etc, and can and should be coped with/managed in exactly the same way. There are obviously lots of approaches, I suggest you google a bit, buy some self-help books and consider what works for you - personally I'd go straight to sleeping in separate beds for a bit because it seems unlikely that sleep-masturbation could be vigorous enough to wake him up but not you, and I do wonder at the idea that he's been secretly putting up with seriously disturbed sleep for a year out of embarassment; sleeping apart may quickly demonstrate to him that it's normal for him to have periods of wakefulness that are nothing to do with you.

which leads me to

2. You're married, and yet you're talking about masturbation as if it were some sort of taboo between you; he didn't want to tell you because you might be embarassed? You refer to masturbating 'in the marital bed' as being 'psychopathic'? In addition, the way you've written this makes it sound like you don't trust/believe your husband. I think a sex therapist or couples' counsellor is probably going to be more use here than sleep therapy.
posted by AFII at 12:50 AM on August 1, 2016 [7 favorites]


Response by poster: Sorry - I should clarify - I meant "masturbating secretly while sleeping right next to my husband, not caring whether or not he's awake and then denying remembering it" as being the "psychopathic" behavior.

(sorry done threadsitting!)
posted by Dressed to Kill at 12:54 AM on August 1, 2016 [4 favorites]


I'm a little confused- are you actually masturbating and if so, in a way that's loud enough to wake him up? I often awaken with a hand in my underwear but I'm not receiving any sexual gratification, it's just where my hand ends up, as I often sleep on my stomach with my arms folded beneath me. Or I scratched an itch in the middle of the night and my hand got stuck there. It's totally not weird and it's strange that he seems so het up about it. I read a study somewhere of prisoners who were made to sleep with their hands outside of the bedsheets so they couldn't touch themselves anywhere, and it led to psychological problems. Humans like to comfort and sooth with self-touch. You should be allowed to touch your own body in any way that's comfortable for you.

Even if you are stimulating yourself in your sleep, I really don't see this as a medical problem. Unless you're writhing and groaning, I don't see how it's waking him up either. This sounds like an issue that's indicative of the levels of communication, trust, and comfort with each other's bodies and sexuality in your marriage. It seems like where you're at with these is making you unhappy and bringing misunderstandings and maybe resentment in the long term. Couple's/sex therapy time.
posted by mymbleth at 1:14 AM on August 1, 2016


Response by poster: He tells me he whatever is happening is waking him up. What I know is my hand is in my pants, and I may be stroking myself. I never felt that was not-normal until now.

The fact that it bothers him, bothers me. So yes, okay, sex therapy time.

In fact, I'm going to an RSW Sex Therapist on Tuesday to discuss some other... issues. So this could help.

Thank you and I would still love more input.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 1:21 AM on August 1, 2016


Just some thoughts:

Could you have a chronic itch due to a low level allergic reaction to your undergarments, your detergent, your evening cleaning routine, a long term infection gone untreated, skin problems, etc? It is not uncommon for people to scratch and rub in their sleep at minor irritants that go unnoticed when awake. And even if you're then pleasuring yourself, it might get started because of stimulation from soothing an itch. If you can afford it, visiting your obgyn might be helpful.

Unless you are writhing and thrashing around I don't see how masturbating would be enough to wake your husband more than typical bed movements. When people are restless sleepers with a partner, one thing that helps remarkably often is trying a few different configurations of body pillows. Have you tried that? Perhaps having a pillow to place your arms around will keep you more comfortable in sleep and less prone to movement. Perhaps your husband having support along his side or spine will allow him to sleep deep enough that your movements won't wake him.

There's nothing wrong with separate beds if you decide together that's a good idea, but you could try a larger bed first if you have the room and see if that makes the difference. Being able to starfish your limbs out without kicking your spouse is a great boon.

I agree with the folks above who say that this is a communication issue more than a physical problem. You both deserve restful sleep. Embarrassment shouldn't have factored much into it, and points to some skewed priorities that would benefit from examination.
posted by Mizu at 1:53 AM on August 1, 2016 [1 favorite]


Different beds.
I mean if this wakes him up, everything else will eventually begin to wake him up--you hiccuping, turning, snoring, dare I say farting, you frantically trying not to wake him up, whatever. This is not a place any of you wants to be in: busying one's mind with the others' nighttime sounds, moves and privacy (Yes: privacy. Sleeping or waking, intentional or in total stupor, it doesn't matter. Nobody's business but your own).
Just to add, "Wake me up and let me know" is NOT an option. To add sleeplessness and nighttime GRAR to the intrusion...I shudder of the thought.
posted by Namlit at 2:10 AM on August 1, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'm still not clear on whether his problem with you masturbating in the night is just because you're waking him up somehow with movement and sounds, or if he is upset about the masturbation itself.

If it is just about a good night's sleep, separate beds sounds like a good option. Simple problem, simple solution.

But if he's upset about the masturbation itself, then the "why" of that needs to be addressed.

Are the two of you having as much sex as he'd like to have? If not, I can see why he would find your masturbation upsetting. Not that you are wrong to do it, but from his point of view it looks like you do have sexual desires, just not for him. Kind of hard not to take that sort of thing personally.

If his objection is more along the lines that he thinks masturbation is disgusting or sinful or otherwise wrong, that sounds like an issue to be gone over in therapy. Ditto if he's getting plenty of sex but objects to masturbation on the grounds of "aren't I enough for you?"
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 3:38 AM on August 1, 2016 [9 favorites]


I've experienced this from your husband's side. The rhythmic motions can indeed wake a person up. If I wanted to go back to sleep, I'd respond with a good hard nudge (basically the same amount of force as playfully bumping into someone as they're walking next to you), and it seemed to disrupt that rhythm enough that the person stopped, and they didn't actually wake up. I generally didn't mention it because it didn't seem like they could control it anyway, nor to be part of a health problem.
posted by teremala at 4:21 AM on August 1, 2016 [3 favorites]


Why doesn't he use the power of his own petite mort and just go back to sleep?
posted by taff at 4:30 AM on August 1, 2016 [6 favorites]


A lot of people in this thread seen to have never heard of being a light sleeper? This would most definitely wake me up and keep me awake for the duration. If I were to handle it like I handle the many weird things my husband does in his sleep (active sleep runs in his family, apparently), there'd be some nudging, followed by, "Honey, wake up, you're repeatedly twitching/snoring/talking/flapping your hands/etc..." I also sympathize with being embarrassed by the nature of the disturbance, on both sides. Can you come up with a code word he can use to communicate with you at night to let you know to please till over and go back to sleep so no one has to say, "hey, you're rubbing one out again, could you knock it off?"
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:56 AM on August 1, 2016 [9 favorites]


In fact, I'm going to an RSW Sex Therapist on Tuesday to discuss some other... issues. So this could help.

Given that there are "other... issues," it sounds like a sex therapist is a good idea. If only to reassure you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating in the night, whether awake or asleep, and that feeling body-policed is no way to live. This may be about sleep patterns and it may be about communication but it is not a thing that you are doing *wrong.*
posted by headnsouth at 6:03 AM on August 1, 2016 [6 favorites]


Only problem I see here is that you're waking him up, apparently. If you're making noise, a fan will help cover it up. If it's the movement... how big is your bed? I evangelize California King size beds to all couples. Seriously, it just solves so many problems.

I also wonder whether you're going to sleep aroused... Maybe if you masturbated before you fell asleep your body would be more relaxed?
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:52 AM on August 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


Best answer: You are perfectly normal. This could be a reaction to stress or, lack of sex. It is weird that he made you feel weird about it. The way he handled it is what made it all totally awkward. Tell him that you can't help it and if he wakes you up while you are doing it, he has to join in to get you back to sleep. Otherwise, he should quietly go sleep on the couch.
posted by myselfasme at 7:46 AM on August 1, 2016 [20 favorites]


My thought was some sort of irritation like a low level yeast infection, or you are actually masturbating due to stress. The latter is less likely, since I feel like there isn't any arousal you are aware of right??

Be wary of any doctor making a diagnoses by guesswork. You should get examined and tested for anything that might cause irritation by a gynecologist. You can also rig a phone or similar to record you sleeping. Maybe seeing what you are doing might help you assess your husband's perceptions?

Something isn't adding up so go ahead and investigate this without jumping to any conclusions.
posted by jbenben at 8:14 AM on August 1, 2016


Also read the fine print on all medications?
posted by sebastienbailard at 8:53 AM on August 1, 2016


Best answer: I don't get why this would seem like a medical issue to anybody. The doctor "never heard of it?" HUH? Doesn't everybody go through cycles of arousal while asleep? I don't think it's related to lackanooky or stress, it's just something that happens to, like, animals. The ones that are alive, anyway. While they're asleep. And they can't help it because they're, hello! Asleep! If it's loud or thrashy, okay, perhaps it's a (mild! inconsequential! easily solved!) problem. It does not sound like a problem for a doctor! What on earth!?Why pathologize it right off? And why would your partner assume it was sneaky!? This is bugging me to death. I've woken up next to partners involved in this activity and it would never in a million years occur to me to try to shame them about it because I've had countless events of this nature myself because everybody does. Sorry if you don't remember your dreams, all, but you're doing this, too. (It may be that like me you're one of the lucky "hands-free" people, so your partners never clue in?) Anyway, there is zero reason to suspect pathology because somebody has an orgasm in their sleep good lord.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:03 AM on August 1, 2016 [20 favorites]


Best answer: This issue should be as neutral as snoring, but for some reason it's not and that is what's bugging me--about both of your reactions. I also find it hard to believe you are engaging in something as disruptive as snoring-- so actually it should be MORE neutral than snoring.

It doesn't surprise me that you feel policed and shamed by the way he has brought this up.

His reaction suggests that he thinks he gets a say in your masturbation. Like, even if you did occasionally ON PURPOSE quickly and quietly get off while he slept, maybe a discussion would be in order, but I wouldn't think that's grounds to run to a medical doctor or sex therapist. So the fact that it's totally unconscious on your part should mean he has less of a right to get upset! Are you even getting off? Or just rubbing and scratching and soothing like we all do?

Can't he just nudge you if you wake him up, like people do with snoring or sheet-stealing? (If you truly wake him up, and not because he is monitoring you.) I feel like he needs a reality or attitude check and I worry about how worried you seem.
posted by kapers at 9:18 AM on August 1, 2016 [6 favorites]


Best answer: Also: he's been letting this fester for a year? No wonder his reaction is so extreme. Really poor communication on his part.
posted by kapers at 9:23 AM on August 1, 2016 [9 favorites]


I think it's weird that he gets to wake you up in retaliation for waking him up. I don't think that's ever ok. Just looking at your question in isolation from whatever your other issues are, this seems like a pretty easily defined and solved problem. Sleeping in the same bed isn't working out. Get seperate beds. All of this doctor stuff is bizarre. Maybe you do need a sex therapist for whatever else is going on but not for this.
posted by bleep at 9:33 AM on August 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: Thank you so much for your answers and for validating something I felt REALLY weird about.

I did not think that whatever I was doing was wrong or could possibly be so disruptive to his sleep. I'm quite liberal-minded towards sex and sexuality.

He did let it fester for a year. And this has made the situation way more complex and emotionally alienating for me. YES he needed to communicate it. Absolutely. I should note that his eventual recollections of it were very vague (he was in a state of half-asleepness) and had me guessing as to what he was really seeing. But he said by the time he woke up, he would hear my hand dart out of my pants and I'd roll over.

So when he felt he saw these things, he assumed:
a) I was committing a "private" act, behind his back, next to him
b) I would be embarrassed to be exposed with the knowledge that he'd knew.

I don't know how to defend the obvious anymore, other than to say, "Please, check the google" which brought up lots of stories about sexomnia.

Basically how he was reading my behavior and motivations was way off and it built resentment. :(

Anyway this morning when he woke me up, I came downstairs and wrote this askme, so I wouldn't cry. Thanks for making me feel a little better, and I'm looking forward to seeing a therapist soon.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 10:07 AM on August 1, 2016 [6 favorites]


Chiming in with everyone else to say the pathologization your husband is engaging in here is super weird, both the medicalization and assuming you were lying for a year (!). This is normal. You're fine. Some people masturbate when they're asleep. Some people masturbate (to orgasm or not) to knock themselves out and GO to sleep, in a half-conscious and tbh basically nonsexual way. This is all incredibly normal and the entire idea of you needing to go see a medical doctor to "fix" this is... ??? The doctor never having heard of this is also a big ???. If any of your sleep habits are waking him up your husband can nudge you or sleep in a separate bed or get ear plugs. That's like... not a really high level of problem solving, there, and he might want to look at why he never pursued any of those options. I'm so sorry you feel so awful about this. You are normal and okay. I'm also glad you guys are going to see a therapist, and I think you might want to look into getting a new family doctor as well.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:45 AM on August 1, 2016 [5 favorites]


So let me get this all straight...

This has been happening for at least a year. How long have you shared a bed?

I mean, I'd be concerned if it was A) A new sleep issue or B) Disrupting my own sleep. But it seems like it's not since you didn't even know you were doing it? People do weird sleep things and if it's not overly loud or causing you issues then I don't really see the problem. Again, if this were a new sleep symptom then that could be an indicator of stress or a health issue. So, sure, mention it to a better doctor if you're worried from a quality of sleep standpoint or if there's a medication that may be causing sleep disturbances.

Then, from what I understand - it wakes him up - he moves - you stop and go to sleep - and he... can't just go back to sleep?

I mean, my husband does a variety of weird sleep shit. I just nudge him if he's snoring, he rolls over and stops, and I go to sleep. There have been rare times where I've gotten my stuff and gone to the couch because he just wouldn't stop snoring or he's been kicked out with a cold/snoring/etc. (He sleeps better on the couch than I do.) At least 95% of the time he doesn't even remember me waking him. He just mumbles at me and rolls over (besides the rare times when he talks back, sometimes denying the snoring, then totally not remembering talking to me the next day.)

So, similar to snoring, if you stop when he moves or whatever why the hell can't he just go back to sleep? Do you start up again shortly? I really don't understand.

Again, I know my husband might start snoring or shake his leg or mumble or whatever even after I nudge him once but it doesn't make me afraid to try to sleep again.

I'm also kind of confused on the events here and I'm not 100% sure that it's not an itch or a comforting grab that's going on. If my husband is sleeping on his back and not in the mummy position then his hands are on his junk - don't most dudes sleep with one hand down their pants like all the time? It doesn't mean he's doing anything. If he WAS doing something in his sleep and it was disrupting my sleep I'd talk to him because it would be a weird sleep thing for him (thus making sure nothing sleep-related is going on with a doctor) and then I'd probably just giggle and nudge him until he stopped and went to sleep.

The fact that your husband didn't tell you there was a weird sleep thing for a year is mystifying. What if you were sleep talking? Would he have held off a year? I doubt it.

I don't know if separate beds is completely overkill but I think it may be an option, especially if he's too delicate a sleeper to have any sort of sleep disturbance and go back to bed after. However I think you both really need to be on the same page on this thing before just getting another bed. He's gotta make an effort to deal with it or go back to sleep after.

Again, as a semi-light sleeper I totally get if you just CAN'T sleep with certain noises or movement or whatever. But he's gotta at least try to communicate about this first.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:48 AM on August 1, 2016 [3 favorites]


For what it's worth, I could see myself reacting the way your husband did, and not because I was trying to shame anyone. If my husband were doing something like that and I thought he was trying to hide it from me, I'd try to respect his privacy just because I thought he wanted it. I know I like a little privacy sometimes, not for sneaky or shameful reasons or anything, so I would be fine if he wanted the same.

And sometimes, if someone is doing something normal and acceptable that is bothering me anyway, I'll try to suck it up rather than complaining to them. I don't like eating sounds, but I don't feel right telling people not to eat near me, so I just deal with it myself. I don't think eating is pathological, and that's why I make an effort to tolerate it rather than saying something that could make someone self conscious.

I'm not saying I'm right here, but I think it's worth entertaining the idea that there's some element of this that's attributable to simple misunderstanding.
posted by ernielundquist at 12:15 PM on August 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Your update makes it sound like the reality is: one night, when he woke up or half-woke up as many of us do briefly throughout the night, he noticed your hands were in your pants, maybe moving, and the idea you might be masturbating bothered him so much he became hyper-vigilant about it and tried to "catch" you in the act every time he awoke or half-awoke. And because your hands tend to roam there in your sleep, more often than not, he did "catch" you.

And for some reason in his mind this was such a shameful thing you were doing, to him, he decided to build up a narrative and a resentment for an entire year, rather than just say "yo, did you know your hands are in your pants at sleep time? It's cute, were you having a sexy dream or is it just comfortable" at breakfast like a nice husband. Or "yo, your nocturnal movements wake me up, how can we fix this" like a nice but annoyed husband.

If what I am guessing is accurate, that's no good! You don't need a doctor for this, he needs to chill, apologize, and learn how to get himself back to sleep if your involuntary activities are waking him up.
posted by kapers at 12:30 PM on August 1, 2016 [14 favorites]


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