Pregnant with a planned baby! Now Dad is anxious and overwhelmed.
April 1, 2016 7:30 AM Subscribe
My wife and I have a good relationship. We planned a baby and now we're pregnant, but it's also gotten very real in the past two weeks since finding out and I feel bad that I'm not as excited as I thought I would be about it, second-guessing and sort of numb to the thing, and we've also had a number of minor (probably stress induced) bickering about the next few stages of the pregnancy. I also realized I have NO IDEA what I should be doing right now as a husband and planning for when baby arrives.
I want to be supportive and happy and excited, know what's appropriate and not appropriate for me to voice an opinion about, and would like to know what I should be doing right now to prepare. Advice and resources would be helpful.
My wife and I are in our early 30s, been married for 2.5 years. Extremely loving and supportive relationship, although sometimes we still have occasional squabbles based off of communication styles; nothing I perceive as different from typical couples.
We began talking about having a baby early last year - for her, she was willing, but not enthusiastic and was more than happy to wait a few more years, and also anxious about the things she would have to give up during the term of the pregnancy and breast feeding.
For me, as being the older of the two and also anxious about potential health problems that stem from older couples having babies, as well as many peers with children 2-3 years of age I started feeling the want for a baby more. I was also surrounded by stories of peers who tried for months and months - so somewhere it got pegged in my mind that it might not be so easy after all, so let's give it a shot.
We both have good careers, but my term with my current employer is coming to an end sometime in the next 9 months so I am planning an exit and currently looking for other jobs as well. The idea was essentially that if we were to get pregnant around this time period, then I could blow all my sick leave on the last months of this term to help take care of mom and baby, but also if a job didn't come by immediately, it wasn't the end of the world because I could be a stay at home dad for a bit.
Well we're pregnant on what seemed like a very quick try. We're at 6 weeks, wife is scared and happy, I am scared and (i think excited?), and we found out the news during a particularly miserable and stressful time for me at work while i've been pulling 12 hours a day.
What's putting me off is that I've been feeling sort of numb to the news. I want to be excited. I have been pushing down that numbness and trying to be supportive and feigning excitement with my wife because I know that hearing about my anxieties would not be helpful for my scared wife during this time. But I am secretly feeling anxious about it all - the job stuff, every single choice we have to make now, planning financially, what happens with day care, what is she going to consume and not consume while pregnant, etc. I also can't tell how much of this is because work has been stressful. I am normally a planner and that's the way I get a grip on my anxiety by doing research and planning - but I have been finding this to be overwhelming such that I am avoiding researching.
We've had a few disagreements during this time - again, not sure how much of it is stemming from places of anxiety/hormones/stress, but they're occurring. My anxiety riddled brain has also let slip out stupid, insensitive comments that have been hurtful (an example: in response to her intimating that she was scared and bummed out at the things she can't consume now, and timing I said something about we're lucky to have options available if the timing wasn't right, which was NOT what she wanted to hear.) I have also been finding myself wanting to do things I know she finds incredibly annoying like reminding her about her prenatal vitamins or disagreeing too loudly about things she has researched vs conventional wisdom (say for example, a tiny amount of alcohol consumption).
I've asked her directly what I can do to be supportive. She said she would like me to start researching and understanding what's going on. I am starting on askmefi.
I want to be supportive and happy about this. I also want to know where to draw the line as to what's appropriate for me to try voice an opinion about while she's carrying. Then there's separately the question of all the other planning stuff that I feel like I should be learning about right now. Do you have advice for new dads in my position and can point me to resources on how to get a handle on all of this?
* How can I, as a husband (and also we as a couple), be as supportive as possible of my wife while respecting her autonomy but also to assuage my concerns about baby planning?
* Do you have recommended books for new parents at this stage, not only biologically and health, but also things like selecting ob/doula/midwife/pregnancy classes and what should be done to take care of the baby and mom? Books targeted at the Dad are welcome.
* What in the hell else are we supposed to be doing with planning for logistics when baby arrives? How does daycare and potential waitlists work (we're in DC)?
* Somebody confirming that this "numb/i was excited but now i'm not" feeling is completely normal and understandable at this stage would help me a lot.
My wife and I are in our early 30s, been married for 2.5 years. Extremely loving and supportive relationship, although sometimes we still have occasional squabbles based off of communication styles; nothing I perceive as different from typical couples.
We began talking about having a baby early last year - for her, she was willing, but not enthusiastic and was more than happy to wait a few more years, and also anxious about the things she would have to give up during the term of the pregnancy and breast feeding.
For me, as being the older of the two and also anxious about potential health problems that stem from older couples having babies, as well as many peers with children 2-3 years of age I started feeling the want for a baby more. I was also surrounded by stories of peers who tried for months and months - so somewhere it got pegged in my mind that it might not be so easy after all, so let's give it a shot.
We both have good careers, but my term with my current employer is coming to an end sometime in the next 9 months so I am planning an exit and currently looking for other jobs as well. The idea was essentially that if we were to get pregnant around this time period, then I could blow all my sick leave on the last months of this term to help take care of mom and baby, but also if a job didn't come by immediately, it wasn't the end of the world because I could be a stay at home dad for a bit.
Well we're pregnant on what seemed like a very quick try. We're at 6 weeks, wife is scared and happy, I am scared and (i think excited?), and we found out the news during a particularly miserable and stressful time for me at work while i've been pulling 12 hours a day.
What's putting me off is that I've been feeling sort of numb to the news. I want to be excited. I have been pushing down that numbness and trying to be supportive and feigning excitement with my wife because I know that hearing about my anxieties would not be helpful for my scared wife during this time. But I am secretly feeling anxious about it all - the job stuff, every single choice we have to make now, planning financially, what happens with day care, what is she going to consume and not consume while pregnant, etc. I also can't tell how much of this is because work has been stressful. I am normally a planner and that's the way I get a grip on my anxiety by doing research and planning - but I have been finding this to be overwhelming such that I am avoiding researching.
We've had a few disagreements during this time - again, not sure how much of it is stemming from places of anxiety/hormones/stress, but they're occurring. My anxiety riddled brain has also let slip out stupid, insensitive comments that have been hurtful (an example: in response to her intimating that she was scared and bummed out at the things she can't consume now, and timing I said something about we're lucky to have options available if the timing wasn't right, which was NOT what she wanted to hear.) I have also been finding myself wanting to do things I know she finds incredibly annoying like reminding her about her prenatal vitamins or disagreeing too loudly about things she has researched vs conventional wisdom (say for example, a tiny amount of alcohol consumption).
I've asked her directly what I can do to be supportive. She said she would like me to start researching and understanding what's going on. I am starting on askmefi.
I want to be supportive and happy about this. I also want to know where to draw the line as to what's appropriate for me to try voice an opinion about while she's carrying. Then there's separately the question of all the other planning stuff that I feel like I should be learning about right now. Do you have advice for new dads in my position and can point me to resources on how to get a handle on all of this?
* How can I, as a husband (and also we as a couple), be as supportive as possible of my wife while respecting her autonomy but also to assuage my concerns about baby planning?
* Do you have recommended books for new parents at this stage, not only biologically and health, but also things like selecting ob/doula/midwife/pregnancy classes and what should be done to take care of the baby and mom? Books targeted at the Dad are welcome.
* What in the hell else are we supposed to be doing with planning for logistics when baby arrives? How does daycare and potential waitlists work (we're in DC)?
* Somebody confirming that this "numb/i was excited but now i'm not" feeling is completely normal and understandable at this stage would help me a lot.
Hey. I'm a mom. I was a wild mixture of emotions in the first months of (my very much desired) pregnancy, but contentment and joy were not part of them! I think a lot of it is anxiety, and frankly, it's justified! It's not just hormones.
You guys are juggling a lot at the same time!
My vote goes to: Yes, this is normal. The anxiousness, the bickering.
That was the easy part of your question.
Yes, please do get informed. Go to the library, read "what to expect when you're expecting" or something similar. Find out all you can about what actually happens to your wife's body during pregnancy, at childbirth, and what babies are like in the first months (sleeping, feeding, etc.)
Then, resist mansplaining it all to her. What you want is a stable know how base to call on in case she wants to talk to you about one of these things. You want to be able to have an opinion, if she asks you for one. But always, always, always defer to her opinion if it differs from yours. It's her body. It's her decision if she says sushi is ok for her.
As a dad, you have a supporting role. It's tough, so you need someone who is not your wife to vent at. Do you have dad friends?
posted by Omnomnom at 7:45 AM on April 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
You guys are juggling a lot at the same time!
My vote goes to: Yes, this is normal. The anxiousness, the bickering.
That was the easy part of your question.
Yes, please do get informed. Go to the library, read "what to expect when you're expecting" or something similar. Find out all you can about what actually happens to your wife's body during pregnancy, at childbirth, and what babies are like in the first months (sleeping, feeding, etc.)
Then, resist mansplaining it all to her. What you want is a stable know how base to call on in case she wants to talk to you about one of these things. You want to be able to have an opinion, if she asks you for one. But always, always, always defer to her opinion if it differs from yours. It's her body. It's her decision if she says sushi is ok for her.
As a dad, you have a supporting role. It's tough, so you need someone who is not your wife to vent at. Do you have dad friends?
posted by Omnomnom at 7:45 AM on April 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
As a father, I can confirm that the feeling of switching from excited to nervous "oh shit, now what?" is normal. Or, at least it is the same feeling I had before my first. I went from being confident I would be a good father and husband to "what the f*ck do I know about being a good father?"
I can tell you in hindsight that it will all work out.
posted by AugustWest at 7:46 AM on April 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
I can tell you in hindsight that it will all work out.
posted by AugustWest at 7:46 AM on April 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
The good news is: this is all perfectly normal. All your feels here are totally normal. I think for fathers there's an extra layer of weirdness because you know intellectually this thing is out there, but it's not actually happening to you quite yet.
I think an important thing to remember is that for women the experience of pregnancy is often one of all of a sudden no longer having bodily autonomy. Both on a biological level and a social level. The biological level you can't really do anything about if you want to stay pregnant, but the social level can be completely enraging. All of a sudden everyone else is telling you want to do with your body, everyone else feels like they have a stake in what you eat, what you drink, what you touch, how often you pee, what your boobs are doing, etc etc etc.... And a lot of it is legit BS. The rules for pregnant women surrounding food, drink and activity are mostly pretty arbitrary. (Like, in the US sushi is a no-no but in Japan sushi is recommended for pregnant women because protein. And do you think pregnant French women stop eating stinky cheese? No, they do not.) So, let her decide where her risk analysis falls. It's still her body and she's an adult who can read the research just as well as you can.
Another thing to remember is that 9 months (more like 9.5 actually) is more of a long time than it first appears. You've got so much time ahead of you. There's no need to do everything right now. If it makes you feel better, write down all the things you have to plan in a notebook, and then put that notebook away for at least 2 weeks.
I found that books targeted at dads are 99.9% completely awful. Avoid. Read the same books as your wife so you both have the same information and you won't have any temptation to mansplain.
If you think you'll need daycare within the first 6 months and you live in DC, get on a waitlist now. This is the one exception to "sit back and chill out a bit." Determine at what age you'll need to be sending baby to daycare. This is entirely a logistical consideration based on work leave allowances and such. But you can always cancel later if you have to.
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:46 AM on April 1, 2016 [25 favorites]
I think an important thing to remember is that for women the experience of pregnancy is often one of all of a sudden no longer having bodily autonomy. Both on a biological level and a social level. The biological level you can't really do anything about if you want to stay pregnant, but the social level can be completely enraging. All of a sudden everyone else is telling you want to do with your body, everyone else feels like they have a stake in what you eat, what you drink, what you touch, how often you pee, what your boobs are doing, etc etc etc.... And a lot of it is legit BS. The rules for pregnant women surrounding food, drink and activity are mostly pretty arbitrary. (Like, in the US sushi is a no-no but in Japan sushi is recommended for pregnant women because protein. And do you think pregnant French women stop eating stinky cheese? No, they do not.) So, let her decide where her risk analysis falls. It's still her body and she's an adult who can read the research just as well as you can.
Another thing to remember is that 9 months (more like 9.5 actually) is more of a long time than it first appears. You've got so much time ahead of you. There's no need to do everything right now. If it makes you feel better, write down all the things you have to plan in a notebook, and then put that notebook away for at least 2 weeks.
I found that books targeted at dads are 99.9% completely awful. Avoid. Read the same books as your wife so you both have the same information and you won't have any temptation to mansplain.
If you think you'll need daycare within the first 6 months and you live in DC, get on a waitlist now. This is the one exception to "sit back and chill out a bit." Determine at what age you'll need to be sending baby to daycare. This is entirely a logistical consideration based on work leave allowances and such. But you can always cancel later if you have to.
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:46 AM on April 1, 2016 [25 favorites]
* Somebody confirming that this "numb/i was excited but now i'm not" feeling is completely normal and understandable at this stage would help me a lot.
As I've said before:
It is all magical and terrible and amazing and draining and beautiful and cruel, every single time. The key for me was communicating with my partner that I was kinda freaked out... but not telling my partner everything about how freaked out I was.
Wow, that answer was from two years ago, and since then I have been blessed with another girl, and yeah, I forgot whether it's front to back or back to front again, but this time, I was at least ready with "She's the One", because I think it doesn't get enough love in discussions of Springsteen's catalog.
posted by Etrigan at 7:48 AM on April 1, 2016 [20 favorites]
As I've said before:
I was in your boat, but I didn't tell anyone. I just balled it all up inside and smiled broadly when we discussed names and helped find (mutedly) girly stuff for the nursery and freaked the fuck out in private when I thought about how totally ignorant I was of girl stuff and girl problems and is it front to back or back to front? I know it makes sense, but what if it's not supposed to make sense and I'm just forgetting that part...You're going to be fine. You come from a long line of people who have raised children to adulthood. It is literally in your genes to be at least an adequate parent.
And then I saw her, and I sang "Thunder Road" to her, and I haven't thought about that stuff again until this very minute.
It is all magical and terrible and amazing and draining and beautiful and cruel, every single time. The key for me was communicating with my partner that I was kinda freaked out... but not telling my partner everything about how freaked out I was.
Wow, that answer was from two years ago, and since then I have been blessed with another girl, and yeah, I forgot whether it's front to back or back to front again, but this time, I was at least ready with "She's the One", because I think it doesn't get enough love in discussions of Springsteen's catalog.
posted by Etrigan at 7:48 AM on April 1, 2016 [20 favorites]
* Somebody confirming that this "numb/i was excited but now i'm not" feeling is completely normal and understandable at this stage would help me a lot.
Oh my god this is SO SO SO SO SO SO SO NORMAL. And I'm the one with the lady parts. Look, you're changing the course of your life entirely. You'd be nuts not to be freaking out a little. It is 100% normal to waver between *super excited* and *holy fuck, what did we just do to our life?*
* How can I, as a husband (and also we as a couple), be as supportive as possible of my wife while respecting her autonomy but also to assuage my concerns about baby planning?
Ask her this. Tell her you want to help and be involved, but you don't want to step on her toes. "What can I do to help?" is a great question. "What would you like me to refrain from doing?" is another.
Be aware that her body is changing wildly right now and there's all kinds of stuff she's feeling that you just can't see. Be it exhaustion, nausea, food cravings or aversions, hormonal craziness - things are pretty topsy-turvy for her. In contrast, you can't really see any of it right now because it's internal, not external. To tie into the excitement question above, it was really hard for my husband to empathize with me during early pregnancy (which sucks because it's the shittiest part) - the baby didn't feel "real" to him until he could feel it kick. Do go to the ultrasounds with her if you can, that also helps it feel a little more real. Don't belittle her if she seems to be acting unreasonable (like about food or exhaustion or whatever) - I assure you, whatever she is, she's not faking it, and dealing with constant low-level or high-level feeling-crappiness doesn't do great things for your mood.
* Classes at the hospital
Our hospital ran a "dad boot camp" class that was specifically for first-time dads-to-be. They had dads who'd attended the class previously come back with their babies, and talk about dad-specific stuff in addition to baby care type things. My husband enjoyed it.
*Books
"What to expect when you're expecting" is an old classic and it would be good for you to read through it alongside your wife so you have an idea of what she's feeling.
*In general
It's tough to be feeling all this stress and nerves but also feel like you can't dump it on your wife because she's the one who's pregnant, after all. I think other dads can speak to this better. From the woman's perspective, I think it's ok to say that you're stressed and worried about ABCDXYZ. Don't make it my problem to *fix* that, but I actually wouldn't mind knowing that you're paying enough goddamn attention to worry about it.
You're going to be ok. It's ok to be anxious. Hang in there. Come back to the hive mind as needed. Also, talk to some of your dad friends with the 2-3 year olds. They probably have some insight too.
posted by telepanda at 7:52 AM on April 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
Oh my god this is SO SO SO SO SO SO SO NORMAL. And I'm the one with the lady parts. Look, you're changing the course of your life entirely. You'd be nuts not to be freaking out a little. It is 100% normal to waver between *super excited* and *holy fuck, what did we just do to our life?*
* How can I, as a husband (and also we as a couple), be as supportive as possible of my wife while respecting her autonomy but also to assuage my concerns about baby planning?
Ask her this. Tell her you want to help and be involved, but you don't want to step on her toes. "What can I do to help?" is a great question. "What would you like me to refrain from doing?" is another.
Be aware that her body is changing wildly right now and there's all kinds of stuff she's feeling that you just can't see. Be it exhaustion, nausea, food cravings or aversions, hormonal craziness - things are pretty topsy-turvy for her. In contrast, you can't really see any of it right now because it's internal, not external. To tie into the excitement question above, it was really hard for my husband to empathize with me during early pregnancy (which sucks because it's the shittiest part) - the baby didn't feel "real" to him until he could feel it kick. Do go to the ultrasounds with her if you can, that also helps it feel a little more real. Don't belittle her if she seems to be acting unreasonable (like about food or exhaustion or whatever) - I assure you, whatever she is, she's not faking it, and dealing with constant low-level or high-level feeling-crappiness doesn't do great things for your mood.
* Classes at the hospital
Our hospital ran a "dad boot camp" class that was specifically for first-time dads-to-be. They had dads who'd attended the class previously come back with their babies, and talk about dad-specific stuff in addition to baby care type things. My husband enjoyed it.
*Books
"What to expect when you're expecting" is an old classic and it would be good for you to read through it alongside your wife so you have an idea of what she's feeling.
*In general
It's tough to be feeling all this stress and nerves but also feel like you can't dump it on your wife because she's the one who's pregnant, after all. I think other dads can speak to this better. From the woman's perspective, I think it's ok to say that you're stressed and worried about ABCDXYZ. Don't make it my problem to *fix* that, but I actually wouldn't mind knowing that you're paying enough goddamn attention to worry about it.
You're going to be ok. It's ok to be anxious. Hang in there. Come back to the hive mind as needed. Also, talk to some of your dad friends with the 2-3 year olds. They probably have some insight too.
posted by telepanda at 7:52 AM on April 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
I can confirm that I was numb and not super excited we got pregnant again so soon, but within 6 weeks I was very excited about the idea. But I didn't feed the feat about not feeling excited, I just focused on other things and soon enough I felt better.
I think if you want to be supportive of your wife you should get a friend to talk to about your concerns who can help you see what's normal and what is worth mentioning (or a counselor!) , because the thing you said about options wasn't (as you admit) a supportive thing to say... And if those things keep slipping out you are going to damage your relationship.
Just tell her how lucky you are that she's sacrificing so much for you guys to have a family... Then give her a hug...
posted by catspajammies at 7:53 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think if you want to be supportive of your wife you should get a friend to talk to about your concerns who can help you see what's normal and what is worth mentioning (or a counselor!) , because the thing you said about options wasn't (as you admit) a supportive thing to say... And if those things keep slipping out you are going to damage your relationship.
Just tell her how lucky you are that she's sacrificing so much for you guys to have a family... Then give her a hug...
posted by catspajammies at 7:53 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
One thing that might help is that instead of both of you worrying about the same things, you could split up the research. Like, you could research the daycare waitinglist thing, while she researches the best car seats. You do the bed, she chooses a doula. I know I gladly pushed some of the decisions on my husband while wanting full control of others (the stroller!)
posted by Omnomnom at 7:53 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Omnomnom at 7:53 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
Highest recommendation: The Birth Partner, by Penny Simkin. Cannot recommend this book highly enough as a way of learning about pregnancy and delivery, thinking about how a doula could be helpful, figuring out ways to be supportive. I’ve given it to other expecting couples too and it’s always been really well received. The checklist for how to prepare with a hospital / birth center is particularly useful. Most of the other books I read aimed at dads-to-be were crap.
Also: Learn about Couvade Syndrome! I think that shit is real. Or rather: It’s a grab-bag of psychosomatic effects and understandable shifts in behavior and attention that I found very useful to acknowledge—sometimes as a metaphor, sometimes with aha-moments. YMMV. I found it helpful in underscoring how my pregnant wife and I were going through this thing together.
I too had a lot of numbness and trepidation before feeling like I could dare to be excited. This will change with time, and may get easier as the pregnancy progresses (and becomes visible). You have cycles and cycles of delight and being freaked out ahead of you.
Changes in diet, changes in sleep patterns, concurrent changes in your job, new behaviors about budgeting and housework... all that stuff can be enormously stressful, even if they’re changes you want to make for something you’re excited about. Breathe, and breathe again, and good luck.
Also don’t put off thinking about a kid name until the very end of the pregnancy because maybe then you’ll have a last-minute big fight about it or something
posted by miles per flower at 7:56 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
Also: Learn about Couvade Syndrome! I think that shit is real. Or rather: It’s a grab-bag of psychosomatic effects and understandable shifts in behavior and attention that I found very useful to acknowledge—sometimes as a metaphor, sometimes with aha-moments. YMMV. I found it helpful in underscoring how my pregnant wife and I were going through this thing together.
I too had a lot of numbness and trepidation before feeling like I could dare to be excited. This will change with time, and may get easier as the pregnancy progresses (and becomes visible). You have cycles and cycles of delight and being freaked out ahead of you.
Changes in diet, changes in sleep patterns, concurrent changes in your job, new behaviors about budgeting and housework... all that stuff can be enormously stressful, even if they’re changes you want to make for something you’re excited about. Breathe, and breathe again, and good luck.
Also don’t put off thinking about a kid name until the very end of the pregnancy because maybe then you’ll have a last-minute big fight about it or something
posted by miles per flower at 7:56 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
First, it's okay to be anxious and overwhelmed. "Even though" you're not the one carrying the baby. If you have people you can talk to about how you're feeling, other than your wife, that might help take some of the strain off the relationship. That "numb/i was excited but now i'm not" feeling is completely normal and understandable, and doesn't mean you're not going to be a terrific and enthusiastic dad. During my (unplanned) pregnancy, I viewed the whole experience vaguely as punishment and figured everything was just supposed to be terrible. I was surprised how much happier I often was than friends who were pregnant with planned children at the same time, because I didn't feel remotely guilty about being scared or overwhelmed, plus I was excited when anything went well.
Some concrete things you could do:
It might help both of you for you to pick a few concrete projects you could take the lead on, rather than trying to research everything. E.g., preparing "stuff" for the baby (sleeping spot, clothes, diapers - not just buying it but figuring out what you guys want/need), or figuring out what your childcare options are/visiting places/gathering opinions from friends, or finding a pediatrician and maybe an infant/child CPR class for the two of you.
If you haven't spent much time around babies, you could arrange to babysit for your friends' kids sometimes. Especially if there's any tension between you and your wife regarding how childcare is actually going to be split, getting a taste of what really goes into taking care of a baby or toddler (and doing so voluntarily, ahead of time) might go a long way towards feeling more confident.
For preparing for birth, I can't recommend The Birth Partner enough. I liked it for myself better than books directed at the mother. Another book that often gets recommended here is Expecting Better, for discussion of the actual research behind the patronizing "rules" for pregnant women.
I think an important thing to remember is that for women the experience of pregnancy is often one of all of a sudden no longer having bodily autonomy.
This. Further reading: this NYT article.
posted by cogitron at 7:57 AM on April 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
Some concrete things you could do:
It might help both of you for you to pick a few concrete projects you could take the lead on, rather than trying to research everything. E.g., preparing "stuff" for the baby (sleeping spot, clothes, diapers - not just buying it but figuring out what you guys want/need), or figuring out what your childcare options are/visiting places/gathering opinions from friends, or finding a pediatrician and maybe an infant/child CPR class for the two of you.
If you haven't spent much time around babies, you could arrange to babysit for your friends' kids sometimes. Especially if there's any tension between you and your wife regarding how childcare is actually going to be split, getting a taste of what really goes into taking care of a baby or toddler (and doing so voluntarily, ahead of time) might go a long way towards feeling more confident.
For preparing for birth, I can't recommend The Birth Partner enough. I liked it for myself better than books directed at the mother. Another book that often gets recommended here is Expecting Better, for discussion of the actual research behind the patronizing "rules" for pregnant women.
I think an important thing to remember is that for women the experience of pregnancy is often one of all of a sudden no longer having bodily autonomy.
This. Further reading: this NYT article.
posted by cogitron at 7:57 AM on April 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
I've asked her directly what I can do to be supportive. She said she would like me to start researching and understanding what's going on. I am starting on askmefi.
You asked... She answered.
Read the books. All the fucking books. Be involved. Have an opinion. Educate yourself enough to be helpful but let her own her body and the process.
You're a dad now, don't start by being uninvolved and anxious. Educating yourself will help. You don't have to love this, you don't have to be excited, but you have to be good at this or you're being a sucky father.
The 'secret' ,if there is one, that I've found is that the love I have for my family is proportional to the work I put in. The harder I try to be an engaged and loving father the more satisfying and exciting it is. Emotions come and go in parenting but it's a job and you should start training for it.
posted by French Fry at 8:00 AM on April 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
You asked... She answered.
Read the books. All the fucking books. Be involved. Have an opinion. Educate yourself enough to be helpful but let her own her body and the process.
You're a dad now, don't start by being uninvolved and anxious. Educating yourself will help. You don't have to love this, you don't have to be excited, but you have to be good at this or you're being a sucky father.
The 'secret' ,if there is one, that I've found is that the love I have for my family is proportional to the work I put in. The harder I try to be an engaged and loving father the more satisfying and exciting it is. Emotions come and go in parenting but it's a job and you should start training for it.
posted by French Fry at 8:00 AM on April 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
This is a small silly thing that we did but we really bonded over it during our first pregnancy. I was a bit superstitious and didn't want to buy any baby stuff until after 13 weeks, but around 6 weeks we bought just one little newborn sleeper/bib and we put it in the living room on the hanger like it was sitting on the couch, and periodically we would move it around and surprise each other with it in little cute ways. And when one of us went out of town, the bib always went with them. We took pictures of the bib in all the places we went. Baby wore that sleeper home from the hospital.
We also had a nickname for the fetus well before we knew gender or decided a final name, because having some sort of name made it more real.
Another thing we did a bit later in the spring/summer is we wandered past garage sales and looked at baby things - picked up some nice inexpensive stuff and it was leisurely and bonding.
Anyway, it might be nice for you guys to have your own sappy private thing(s). It doesn't need to be forced - the above things kind of developed organically for us.
Finally, human gestation is long and that's a good thing. You've got some time to adjust (as much as you can, anyway) to the idea. I bet by the time it's time for baby to come you'll be much more excited about being a dad.
posted by telepanda at 8:08 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
We also had a nickname for the fetus well before we knew gender or decided a final name, because having some sort of name made it more real.
Another thing we did a bit later in the spring/summer is we wandered past garage sales and looked at baby things - picked up some nice inexpensive stuff and it was leisurely and bonding.
Anyway, it might be nice for you guys to have your own sappy private thing(s). It doesn't need to be forced - the above things kind of developed organically for us.
Finally, human gestation is long and that's a good thing. You've got some time to adjust (as much as you can, anyway) to the idea. I bet by the time it's time for baby to come you'll be much more excited about being a dad.
posted by telepanda at 8:08 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
Freaking out is totes par for the course, man. It'll get better (or at least different) as things go on. :)
Also wanted to second the suggestion of The Birth Partner. Thoughtful, reassuring, detailed. Totally worth it and by far the best expecting book I looked at before Littlepin #1 came along.
posted by that's candlepin at 8:08 AM on April 1, 2016
Also wanted to second the suggestion of The Birth Partner. Thoughtful, reassuring, detailed. Totally worth it and by far the best expecting book I looked at before Littlepin #1 came along.
posted by that's candlepin at 8:08 AM on April 1, 2016
For books, highly recommend Emily Oster's Expecting Better. Although it is aimed at moms, it does a great job going over the research on all sorts of health-related issues like alcohol consumption. Bottom line - as long as your wife is not binge drinking or doing other obviously harmful things, you should probably stay out of it. :) My husband has also really liked The Expectant Father which is, obviously, more aimed toward men and goes month by month on what to expect and how to be supportive.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:12 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:12 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
I believe that the numbness will be temporary. And my one-cool-trick is the slogan "love is a verb." That means that actively doing loving things like rubbing your wife's feet or going to the baby store and feeling all the blankets to see if they are soft enough are the types of things that can maybe make you feel more connected and loving. It's maybe even possible that Happiness is a verb... something that you *do* rather than something that overcomes you.
I'm a woman with one grown kid and my suggestion on being emotionally supportive about food restrictions is for you to join your partner in giving up alcohol for the duration, or maybe until the child's first or second birthday. It's a fine way to save money for other expenses and from my childhood experience, sober people yell less and solve parenting problems more effectively.
As far as the details of what your partner can and can't eat, please take that off your plate as something that you worry about. This is the pregnant persons domain. Please do what you can to shut off your own anxiety on this topic. Generally the risks are small.
If you are still early enough in pregnancy that you are deeply worried about miscarriage, even deep down, then that can be such a powerful concern that it hangs a shadow over your enjoyment. You might want to research the week when the risk really drops to a low level and plan to stop worrying after that date. I only mention this because repressed terror might be the reason you don't feel happy or ready yet. (But, TBH I didn't feel "ready" until several weeks after my son was born.)
posted by puddledork at 8:25 AM on April 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm a woman with one grown kid and my suggestion on being emotionally supportive about food restrictions is for you to join your partner in giving up alcohol for the duration, or maybe until the child's first or second birthday. It's a fine way to save money for other expenses and from my childhood experience, sober people yell less and solve parenting problems more effectively.
As far as the details of what your partner can and can't eat, please take that off your plate as something that you worry about. This is the pregnant persons domain. Please do what you can to shut off your own anxiety on this topic. Generally the risks are small.
If you are still early enough in pregnancy that you are deeply worried about miscarriage, even deep down, then that can be such a powerful concern that it hangs a shadow over your enjoyment. You might want to research the week when the risk really drops to a low level and plan to stop worrying after that date. I only mention this because repressed terror might be the reason you don't feel happy or ready yet. (But, TBH I didn't feel "ready" until several weeks after my son was born.)
posted by puddledork at 8:25 AM on April 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
What an interesting question! I'm your wife, but about four weeks ahead :-) Here is what I can tell you about husband support at this stage:
- It is definitely less real for him at this point. I am getting a weekly email which tells me every tiny detail of the baby that week. I talk to it. It feels real to me. His only thought of the baby's personhood this far has been to offhandedly remark that he really hopes the baby gets his teeth, since they are better than mine :-)
- I implore you not to get into any sort of food police mentality with your wife. Don't remind her about the vitamins. Don't pass judgement on what she eats or doesn't eat. Many women feel sick throughout the first trimester, and food aversions are very common. I currently have days where I eat anything in the house, and days (today is one) where all food is disgusting and I can't stand the thought of eating. On those days, I do the best I can. If I wind up eating French fries or something junky, it may not be optimal. But at least I am eating. And if a small treat offers me a respite from 12 weeks of feeling sick, so be it. I would not at all welcome comments from the husband on this.
- My guy is not a research personality and doesn't want to read books. I am. The one I have found most helpful so far is a big colourful one (sorry, I forget the name) which has a page per day. It is literally stuff like 'week five, day 1' with a picture of what the baby looks like and a topic of discussion for the day. Very helpful to get this all broken down in manageable chunks.
- If you have any hangups about intimacy, try and think about that/process it in your mind before it becomes a thing. Many guys feel weird about doing things with the baby right there. That is just an emotional issue, though. Unless you are having a pregnancy complication, it is perfectly safe to be intimate throughout pregnancy. I won't overshare on this front other than to say that many early pregnancy symptoms (bloating, queasiness etc) already make a woman feel unsexy. Having the husband reject her while that is going on will make her feel worse.
posted by JoannaC at 8:32 AM on April 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
- It is definitely less real for him at this point. I am getting a weekly email which tells me every tiny detail of the baby that week. I talk to it. It feels real to me. His only thought of the baby's personhood this far has been to offhandedly remark that he really hopes the baby gets his teeth, since they are better than mine :-)
- I implore you not to get into any sort of food police mentality with your wife. Don't remind her about the vitamins. Don't pass judgement on what she eats or doesn't eat. Many women feel sick throughout the first trimester, and food aversions are very common. I currently have days where I eat anything in the house, and days (today is one) where all food is disgusting and I can't stand the thought of eating. On those days, I do the best I can. If I wind up eating French fries or something junky, it may not be optimal. But at least I am eating. And if a small treat offers me a respite from 12 weeks of feeling sick, so be it. I would not at all welcome comments from the husband on this.
- My guy is not a research personality and doesn't want to read books. I am. The one I have found most helpful so far is a big colourful one (sorry, I forget the name) which has a page per day. It is literally stuff like 'week five, day 1' with a picture of what the baby looks like and a topic of discussion for the day. Very helpful to get this all broken down in manageable chunks.
- If you have any hangups about intimacy, try and think about that/process it in your mind before it becomes a thing. Many guys feel weird about doing things with the baby right there. That is just an emotional issue, though. Unless you are having a pregnancy complication, it is perfectly safe to be intimate throughout pregnancy. I won't overshare on this front other than to say that many early pregnancy symptoms (bloating, queasiness etc) already make a woman feel unsexy. Having the husband reject her while that is going on will make her feel worse.
posted by JoannaC at 8:32 AM on April 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
The Expectant Father (and go ahead and get ahead of the curve and read The New Father now too) was the best thing I read about pregnancy, and I read a lot.
I'm going to make some broad generalizations now. Understand that I am not speaking about all people here, but based on my experience and what you have said in your question, I think they will apply very strongly to what you are going through.
So here's the thing. There is a certain kind of personality type common to dudes that can conflict pretty strongly with the emotions and needs and wants of a lot of moms-to-be. I have that personality type, and I think you do too. It a personality type that lends itself to logic and practicality, to management and control, to explanation and organization. For the next few months, I urge you to resist these natural tendencies and let your wife guide this process. If she forgets her vitamins, she forgets. If she decides to forgo any alcohol at all, you support her decision and offer sincerely to join her in abstention. If she decides that an expensive stroller is the one she must have, then you suggest some compromises in other areas of the nursery budget to make that happen, or better - you just get the stroller and deal with the credit card fees later. As things go along, you will find more opportunities to express your opinions and desires for the pregnancy and child rearing, but this is her deal, and modern life takes so much of it out of her hands already (maternity leave, health insurance, baby showers) that you need to be a supporter here and not a leader.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:33 AM on April 1, 2016 [9 favorites]
I'm going to make some broad generalizations now. Understand that I am not speaking about all people here, but based on my experience and what you have said in your question, I think they will apply very strongly to what you are going through.
So here's the thing. There is a certain kind of personality type common to dudes that can conflict pretty strongly with the emotions and needs and wants of a lot of moms-to-be. I have that personality type, and I think you do too. It a personality type that lends itself to logic and practicality, to management and control, to explanation and organization. For the next few months, I urge you to resist these natural tendencies and let your wife guide this process. If she forgets her vitamins, she forgets. If she decides to forgo any alcohol at all, you support her decision and offer sincerely to join her in abstention. If she decides that an expensive stroller is the one she must have, then you suggest some compromises in other areas of the nursery budget to make that happen, or better - you just get the stroller and deal with the credit card fees later. As things go along, you will find more opportunities to express your opinions and desires for the pregnancy and child rearing, but this is her deal, and modern life takes so much of it out of her hands already (maternity leave, health insurance, baby showers) that you need to be a supporter here and not a leader.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:33 AM on April 1, 2016 [9 favorites]
It never really all came together for me until I held my son for the first time. Up until that point I was convinced I was too clueless to be a good parent. Guess what? We are all clueless the first time. Books, videos, movies whatever are fine but none of them can really prepare you for being a dad. So go with the flow, it'll all work out. Billions of men have been fathers before you, and the vast majority of them did so without the advantages you have living in the US in the 21st Century. You'll be fine.
posted by COD at 8:47 AM on April 1, 2016
posted by COD at 8:47 AM on April 1, 2016
She's probably exhausted, and possibly nauseous at least some of the time. She may not be able to do as much socially or around the house as she used to. Do not complain to her about this. Don't ask her why she is so tired. You know the answer to that question, so asking her is just being annoying, especially if you do it repeatedly.
Every pregnant woman is different, and one very noticeable difference is in what makes women nauseous. If she says a smell makes her nauseous, you do whatever it takes to get her away from that smell. Don't argue with her or tell her that some other pregnant woman wasn't bothered by that smell. I craved Thai peanut sauce during one of my pregnancies, but during one of her pregnancies my sister was so nauseated by the smell of peanut butter that she couldn't stand being in the same house with someone who was eating it.
Learn what the no-no foods for pregnant women are. If she finds it too tempting to have them in the house, don't buy them. Certainly don't make anything for her that includes them, unless she has told you she has considered the risks and decided not to avoid those foods. Oh, and just because your mother ate something all the time when she was pregnant doesn't make it safe. Science marches on, and we know things now that we didn't then. And remember, she is still the final arbiter of what she will and won't eat and drink.
Resist the urge to stock up on things for the baby. In fact, never stock up on anything for the baby until you have tried it and found that it works for you and your baby.
Run interference for your wife with clueless or insensitive people. If you've got friends or relatives who would refuse to let a pregnant woman drink coffee (for example), or who would get upset at her for not eating the liver and onions they made for her, or who would make stupid comments about how some women run marathons during pregnancy so she shouldn't be so tired, do what you can to keep these people away from her. (Those comments are stupid because every pregnancy is different)
Get on the same page about who you're telling about the pregnancy and when. There are a lot of different approaches to this, and the only ones that are wrong are things like telling people you're pregnant when you're not, or not telling anyone you're pregnant and leaving the baby in a dumpster. But you should figure out with her who you're going to tell and when.
You can scare yourself to death Googling stuff about pregnancy. There's a lot of scary stuff out there. Just because it happened to somebody once doesn't mean it's likely to happen to you. Keep that in mind as you do your research.
posted by Anne Neville at 8:49 AM on April 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
Every pregnant woman is different, and one very noticeable difference is in what makes women nauseous. If she says a smell makes her nauseous, you do whatever it takes to get her away from that smell. Don't argue with her or tell her that some other pregnant woman wasn't bothered by that smell. I craved Thai peanut sauce during one of my pregnancies, but during one of her pregnancies my sister was so nauseated by the smell of peanut butter that she couldn't stand being in the same house with someone who was eating it.
Learn what the no-no foods for pregnant women are. If she finds it too tempting to have them in the house, don't buy them. Certainly don't make anything for her that includes them, unless she has told you she has considered the risks and decided not to avoid those foods. Oh, and just because your mother ate something all the time when she was pregnant doesn't make it safe. Science marches on, and we know things now that we didn't then. And remember, she is still the final arbiter of what she will and won't eat and drink.
Resist the urge to stock up on things for the baby. In fact, never stock up on anything for the baby until you have tried it and found that it works for you and your baby.
Run interference for your wife with clueless or insensitive people. If you've got friends or relatives who would refuse to let a pregnant woman drink coffee (for example), or who would get upset at her for not eating the liver and onions they made for her, or who would make stupid comments about how some women run marathons during pregnancy so she shouldn't be so tired, do what you can to keep these people away from her. (Those comments are stupid because every pregnancy is different)
Get on the same page about who you're telling about the pregnancy and when. There are a lot of different approaches to this, and the only ones that are wrong are things like telling people you're pregnant when you're not, or not telling anyone you're pregnant and leaving the baby in a dumpster. But you should figure out with her who you're going to tell and when.
You can scare yourself to death Googling stuff about pregnancy. There's a lot of scary stuff out there. Just because it happened to somebody once doesn't mean it's likely to happen to you. Keep that in mind as you do your research.
posted by Anne Neville at 8:49 AM on April 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
Hi! I'm in DC and am tempted to connect you with my husband because I'm 29 weeks pregnant and I think he's been doing a great job.
I definitely recommend reading the book Expecting Better. Both my husband and I read it and I think it has made things go much more smoothly between us. A friend was talking about how her husband wouldn't "let her" (???) drink coffee or any alcohol or look at sushi or watch movies with smoking and that sounded terrible to me. Meanwhile, my husband is much more chill about things like that because he read about it and feels comfortable with it. He pushes back on some things I do occasionally but it's very gentle which is important because I am stubborn AF and good luck telling me what to do.
For example, I bought a bottle of fresh lemonade the other day without realizing it was unpasteurized and he was like, hey, maybe next time, don't do that? It wasn't a fight or an argument - I didn't realize it wasn't pasteurized, it was probably fine to drink but not ideal and I'll make a better effort to check. On the other hand, once in a while I'll get sad because my favorite beer is back in stores and he's the one to say, you can have one, just not the whole six pack, and even when you weren't pregnant, you wouldn't hang out drinking a sixer so chill out.
When it comes to how your feelings, I think comfort in, dump out really applies regarding your wife. Find or make dad friends and tell them about how you're scared so you can go home to your wife and tell her that she's beautiful and you're so excited.
I also try to tell myself that I'm not "supposed to" feel any particular way because that's not productive (and I try to extend the same courtesy to my husband). I was freaked out and scared for my whole first trimester. I'm slightly less freaked out and scared but I'm at 29 weeks and my feelings are still largely in the ambivalent and anxious camp. And I don't think you can ever really be "ready" so trying to be "ready" is a fool's errand. You can prepare but at the end of the day, fetus don't care. Fetus does what it wants.
With daycare and wait lists, I might be a bad person to ask because I'm still not 100% sure what we're going to do but actually looking at the options and costs made me freak out a lot less. A friend of mine lived and worked in Dupont Circle so when she was looking for daycare around there at five months pregnant, she couldn't find a place that could accommodate her kid so she ended up doing a nanny share. With that in mind, I started calling a handful of daycares in my neighborhood early on and they said they had availability and to call back after we have the kid.
If you want a really tangible thing you can do to prepare, start looking into neighborhood listservs and Facebook groups for parents. Some are better or more active than others. Good luck!
posted by kat518 at 8:51 AM on April 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
I definitely recommend reading the book Expecting Better. Both my husband and I read it and I think it has made things go much more smoothly between us. A friend was talking about how her husband wouldn't "let her" (???) drink coffee or any alcohol or look at sushi or watch movies with smoking and that sounded terrible to me. Meanwhile, my husband is much more chill about things like that because he read about it and feels comfortable with it. He pushes back on some things I do occasionally but it's very gentle which is important because I am stubborn AF and good luck telling me what to do.
For example, I bought a bottle of fresh lemonade the other day without realizing it was unpasteurized and he was like, hey, maybe next time, don't do that? It wasn't a fight or an argument - I didn't realize it wasn't pasteurized, it was probably fine to drink but not ideal and I'll make a better effort to check. On the other hand, once in a while I'll get sad because my favorite beer is back in stores and he's the one to say, you can have one, just not the whole six pack, and even when you weren't pregnant, you wouldn't hang out drinking a sixer so chill out.
When it comes to how your feelings, I think comfort in, dump out really applies regarding your wife. Find or make dad friends and tell them about how you're scared so you can go home to your wife and tell her that she's beautiful and you're so excited.
I also try to tell myself that I'm not "supposed to" feel any particular way because that's not productive (and I try to extend the same courtesy to my husband). I was freaked out and scared for my whole first trimester. I'm slightly less freaked out and scared but I'm at 29 weeks and my feelings are still largely in the ambivalent and anxious camp. And I don't think you can ever really be "ready" so trying to be "ready" is a fool's errand. You can prepare but at the end of the day, fetus don't care. Fetus does what it wants.
With daycare and wait lists, I might be a bad person to ask because I'm still not 100% sure what we're going to do but actually looking at the options and costs made me freak out a lot less. A friend of mine lived and worked in Dupont Circle so when she was looking for daycare around there at five months pregnant, she couldn't find a place that could accommodate her kid so she ended up doing a nanny share. With that in mind, I started calling a handful of daycares in my neighborhood early on and they said they had availability and to call back after we have the kid.
If you want a really tangible thing you can do to prepare, start looking into neighborhood listservs and Facebook groups for parents. Some are better or more active than others. Good luck!
posted by kat518 at 8:51 AM on April 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
Freaking out is fine and normal and says nothing at all about what kind of parent you're going to be. This is a Big Serious Thing happening in your life, one that will require having to learn about a whole way of life you have very limited experience of and do a lot of things differently. It is entirely appropriate that you'd be apprehensive about this!
I notice that you mention the issue of what your wife should/shouldn't be consuming about four or five times here, and that its been the source of at least one argument with her. I recommend thinking a bit about why this particular thing is looming so large for you (and maybe her?) right now. A lot of people end up focusing on diet restrictions and vitamins because it's something you can control, when so much of pregnancy isn't - and because it's easier to memorise a list and say "eat more X! drink no Y!" than it is to think, holy hell I will be raising a person, how do I do that? So they assume a disproportional level of importance, relative to how much they actually matter (which... they really don't, much).
If you're the kind of person who likes to plan and feel in control by managing things as a project generally, break it down here. It isn't Project Baby - it is maybe Project Car-Seat, so you can just deal with that, finding out how car seats work and which one you should get. Or if your wife wants Project Car-Seat, then you take Project Sling, or Project Baby Clothes, or Project Ring Up Local Daycares And Find Out About Waiting Lists, or Project Research Basic Care And Behaviour Of Newborns (seriously, this often gets forgotten when you're overwhelmed with pregnancy, and it's useful to find some things out in advance)
You won't cover everything this way, most likely, but that is okay. As a planner type person myself - and one who ended up largely unable to do any of the planning I wanted to do when I was pregnant due to hellishly persistent health issues - it was very reassuring to me to remind myself that the baby doesn't care. It is just growing away in there no matter what you do. It's not going to be like, "well, until you've got a lovingly decorated nursery you don't get to graduate to the third trimester!"
posted by Catseye at 8:52 AM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
I notice that you mention the issue of what your wife should/shouldn't be consuming about four or five times here, and that its been the source of at least one argument with her. I recommend thinking a bit about why this particular thing is looming so large for you (and maybe her?) right now. A lot of people end up focusing on diet restrictions and vitamins because it's something you can control, when so much of pregnancy isn't - and because it's easier to memorise a list and say "eat more X! drink no Y!" than it is to think, holy hell I will be raising a person, how do I do that? So they assume a disproportional level of importance, relative to how much they actually matter (which... they really don't, much).
If you're the kind of person who likes to plan and feel in control by managing things as a project generally, break it down here. It isn't Project Baby - it is maybe Project Car-Seat, so you can just deal with that, finding out how car seats work and which one you should get. Or if your wife wants Project Car-Seat, then you take Project Sling, or Project Baby Clothes, or Project Ring Up Local Daycares And Find Out About Waiting Lists, or Project Research Basic Care And Behaviour Of Newborns (seriously, this often gets forgotten when you're overwhelmed with pregnancy, and it's useful to find some things out in advance)
You won't cover everything this way, most likely, but that is okay. As a planner type person myself - and one who ended up largely unable to do any of the planning I wanted to do when I was pregnant due to hellishly persistent health issues - it was very reassuring to me to remind myself that the baby doesn't care. It is just growing away in there no matter what you do. It's not going to be like, "well, until you've got a lovingly decorated nursery you don't get to graduate to the third trimester!"
posted by Catseye at 8:52 AM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
You are not "too old", you are both at a perfectly good age.
Breathe!!! Baby isn't coming tomorrow, you still have 32 weeks (give or take) to prepare thyselves as best you can. When you get into researching, you will both find there is plenty of information available out there. The trick is to not get bogged down with fear-mongering type information. If you're not sure about something, look it up. More information will be a lot of comfort (trust me, I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant with my first and very much a planner too).
Literally the only things you need worry about right now are:
1) make arrangements for her to get started on prenatal care with your doctor (or find a midwife, whichever you prefer)
2) her taking her folic acid and other prenatal vitamins, and
3) being aware that a lot of drugs are particularly not recommended for the first trimester. Do your research.
posted by lizbunny at 9:01 AM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Breathe!!! Baby isn't coming tomorrow, you still have 32 weeks (give or take) to prepare thyselves as best you can. When you get into researching, you will both find there is plenty of information available out there. The trick is to not get bogged down with fear-mongering type information. If you're not sure about something, look it up. More information will be a lot of comfort (trust me, I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant with my first and very much a planner too).
Literally the only things you need worry about right now are:
1) make arrangements for her to get started on prenatal care with your doctor (or find a midwife, whichever you prefer)
2) her taking her folic acid and other prenatal vitamins, and
3) being aware that a lot of drugs are particularly not recommended for the first trimester. Do your research.
posted by lizbunny at 9:01 AM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
One thing that helped us was finding out the gender and giving it a name, around 24 weeks it becomes a viable baby and that is the time we start talking about the baby like its already part of the family. As it happened we had a serious complication and our baby was almost born at 24 weeks- knowing that he was our son and we were acting as parents was hugely helpful for us. We were criticized by one person who thought it was bad luck, or that if it didn't work out we would hurt more since it had a name, but to each there own.... now we would keep the name between us for the most part since people have ideas about it.
posted by flink at 9:04 AM on April 1, 2016
posted by flink at 9:04 AM on April 1, 2016
Hi, I'm the father of a 5.5 month old, and in many ways, I'm a version of your future self. Here's what I've got:
* How can I, as a husband (and also we as a couple), be as supportive as possible of my wife while respecting her autonomy but also to assuage my concerns about baby planning?
Agree with others that with respect to how to support your wife, you need to ask her this question; your wife is not my wife. I read lots and lots of books, which helped, some good, some bad. I wasn't nuts about What to Expect. Take lots of classes offered through your hospital; childbirth, infant CPR, I took a Daddy Boot Camp class that I loved and returned to as an instructor. It's designed for guys like you.
We call Caring for your Baby and Young Child "Dr. Book" because it's written by the American Academy of Pediatricians and provides very good answers to things like "should I worry about the fact Baby is hiccuping all the time?" (answer: no).
Happiest Baby on the Block is great - it will provide you with a helpful tool to get your kid to calm down, which feels like a superpower as a new dad.
I also started lots of books that I quit early on because I either didn't like the tone or didn't like how the information was presented. Read widely, and if something doesn't connect with you, put it down. I also liked the email lists where you get an email once a week telling you what the kid is up to -- size of a grape, growing hands, losing its tail, whatever. There are a number of them out there, pick one that you connect with. I think we used Alpha Mom.
* Do you have recommended books for new parents at this stage, not only biologically and health, but also things like selecting ob/doula/midwife/pregnancy classes and what should be done to take care of the baby and mom? Books targeted at the Dad are welcome.
See above. I never read a dad-focused book I liked very much.
* What in the hell else are we supposed to be doing with planning for logistics when baby arrives? How does daycare and potential waitlists work (we're in DC)?
Can't help you with DC daycare etc., but I expect someone's going to throw a baby shower for you. I like Sweethome for some recommendations, and be sure to crowd source them as well. You have friends with kids, ask them what they have that they love and don't love. Also realize that you could have the kid at the hospital, swipe some swaddling blankets from the hospital and buy diapers and maybe bottles on the way home and you'd be fine for the first few weeks, so don't sweat it about not having things on-hand immediately. Sign up for Amazon Prime if you don't have it; it's a life-saver to see you're running low on wipes and tap your phone three times and have them in the mail. The only other thing you may want to do now is think about where you're going to want your nursery and do any groundwork that might be necessary like painting etc., but even that stuff can wait.
* Somebody confirming that this "numb/i was excited but now i'm not" feeling is completely normal and understandable at this stage would help me a lot.
I'll do you one better, I wasn't even wild about my kid once she was here for about four months. She was a month premature, so we had 3-4 months of her basically living in her own world; infants don't really interact with the world very much, they just eat and sleep and poop. Right around the 4 month mark she started becoming much, much more interactive, just because her mind and body were coming under her control to a much greater degree. Only then did I really feel like we connected. So don't think that just because you're not head-over-heels about your kid, who is really more of a concept right now, that something is wrong.
posted by craven_morhead at 9:04 AM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
* How can I, as a husband (and also we as a couple), be as supportive as possible of my wife while respecting her autonomy but also to assuage my concerns about baby planning?
Agree with others that with respect to how to support your wife, you need to ask her this question; your wife is not my wife. I read lots and lots of books, which helped, some good, some bad. I wasn't nuts about What to Expect. Take lots of classes offered through your hospital; childbirth, infant CPR, I took a Daddy Boot Camp class that I loved and returned to as an instructor. It's designed for guys like you.
We call Caring for your Baby and Young Child "Dr. Book" because it's written by the American Academy of Pediatricians and provides very good answers to things like "should I worry about the fact Baby is hiccuping all the time?" (answer: no).
Happiest Baby on the Block is great - it will provide you with a helpful tool to get your kid to calm down, which feels like a superpower as a new dad.
I also started lots of books that I quit early on because I either didn't like the tone or didn't like how the information was presented. Read widely, and if something doesn't connect with you, put it down. I also liked the email lists where you get an email once a week telling you what the kid is up to -- size of a grape, growing hands, losing its tail, whatever. There are a number of them out there, pick one that you connect with. I think we used Alpha Mom.
* Do you have recommended books for new parents at this stage, not only biologically and health, but also things like selecting ob/doula/midwife/pregnancy classes and what should be done to take care of the baby and mom? Books targeted at the Dad are welcome.
See above. I never read a dad-focused book I liked very much.
* What in the hell else are we supposed to be doing with planning for logistics when baby arrives? How does daycare and potential waitlists work (we're in DC)?
Can't help you with DC daycare etc., but I expect someone's going to throw a baby shower for you. I like Sweethome for some recommendations, and be sure to crowd source them as well. You have friends with kids, ask them what they have that they love and don't love. Also realize that you could have the kid at the hospital, swipe some swaddling blankets from the hospital and buy diapers and maybe bottles on the way home and you'd be fine for the first few weeks, so don't sweat it about not having things on-hand immediately. Sign up for Amazon Prime if you don't have it; it's a life-saver to see you're running low on wipes and tap your phone three times and have them in the mail. The only other thing you may want to do now is think about where you're going to want your nursery and do any groundwork that might be necessary like painting etc., but even that stuff can wait.
* Somebody confirming that this "numb/i was excited but now i'm not" feeling is completely normal and understandable at this stage would help me a lot.
I'll do you one better, I wasn't even wild about my kid once she was here for about four months. She was a month premature, so we had 3-4 months of her basically living in her own world; infants don't really interact with the world very much, they just eat and sleep and poop. Right around the 4 month mark she started becoming much, much more interactive, just because her mind and body were coming under her control to a much greater degree. Only then did I really feel like we connected. So don't think that just because you're not head-over-heels about your kid, who is really more of a concept right now, that something is wrong.
posted by craven_morhead at 9:04 AM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you've got pets, you should be the one dealing with their poop while she is pregnant.
If you live in an old house, be sure not to do any DIY work without lead paint safety precautions. She probably shouldn't be doing DIY work if there is a possibility of disturbing lead paint. Even if there isn't lead paint, be aware that smells that normally don't bother her might make her nauseous now.
Find out if she wants you to go to the OB or midwife appointments with her. Not all women do want their husbands along for those, and you should respect her wishes on this. OB appointments get more frequent in the third trimester.
Decide now if you want a CVS or amnio (obviously, you and she should discuss this, and she obviously has the final say). At least at the hospital I went to, those things needed to be scheduled several weeks in advance. You can find out the baby's sex from either of those if you want, or not.
posted by Anne Neville at 9:06 AM on April 1, 2016
If you live in an old house, be sure not to do any DIY work without lead paint safety precautions. She probably shouldn't be doing DIY work if there is a possibility of disturbing lead paint. Even if there isn't lead paint, be aware that smells that normally don't bother her might make her nauseous now.
Find out if she wants you to go to the OB or midwife appointments with her. Not all women do want their husbands along for those, and you should respect her wishes on this. OB appointments get more frequent in the third trimester.
Decide now if you want a CVS or amnio (obviously, you and she should discuss this, and she obviously has the final say). At least at the hospital I went to, those things needed to be scheduled several weeks in advance. You can find out the baby's sex from either of those if you want, or not.
posted by Anne Neville at 9:06 AM on April 1, 2016
N-thing others who say what you're feeling is normal. Not just at this stage...further along in other stages as well you'll feel feelings that you think is contrary to what you should. Or rather what society tells you you should feel. It's almost a mortal sin to say that "No...I did not fall head over heels the moment over my baby the moment he was born." but that was how *we* felt. And we love him far more today than the moment he was born.
posted by 7life at 9:08 AM on April 1, 2016
posted by 7life at 9:08 AM on April 1, 2016
If you fundamentally trust her (and I hope you do), defer to her on all decisions she wants to make. Especially on eating/drinking. The baby's teensy-tiny right now; your wife doesn't need to eat anything to support them; it's all about her personal comfort. (Okay, folic acid would be nice. But a missed day here and there isn't going to ruin everything.) If she doesn't want to eat (or only wants junk food), don't insist. If it goes on for a while, you could gently suggest that she ask her OB/midwife for advice. She's probably way ahead of you on all this though, and it can be extra-annoying to have someone being "helpful" when you have already spent so much time considering and rejecting all of their clever ideas.
The problem with your "if the timing isn't right" remark, if I follow correctly, is that it's reflective of your worries about something that can't be changed anyway. If you need help talking through that stuff, get it, but not from her. Especially not when she's got worries of her own. Also, and this is where we get into "hormones are crazy-making", now she's pregnant and talk of the timing being suboptimal can be taken to mean that her baby is somehow not perfect (and/or she did something wrong), and she can't help but react badly to that implication. Even if it might be true that a little more time would have been nice, stop saying it. That ship sailed, you both certainly hope!
posted by teremala at 9:10 AM on April 1, 2016
The problem with your "if the timing isn't right" remark, if I follow correctly, is that it's reflective of your worries about something that can't be changed anyway. If you need help talking through that stuff, get it, but not from her. Especially not when she's got worries of her own. Also, and this is where we get into "hormones are crazy-making", now she's pregnant and talk of the timing being suboptimal can be taken to mean that her baby is somehow not perfect (and/or she did something wrong), and she can't help but react badly to that implication. Even if it might be true that a little more time would have been nice, stop saying it. That ship sailed, you both certainly hope!
posted by teremala at 9:10 AM on April 1, 2016
It's okay to be anxious. It's natural to be anxious. It's good to be anxious! That means you're thinking ahead and wanting to get this right. That means you care about giving your wife and your baby a good future, and about not totally losing your grip on things that are important to you personally in your current life in transition process to parenthood. If you weren't ambivalent and worried right now I'd worry that you might be unprepared for your life to go topsy-turvy when the baby comes-- which your life will; babies do that to you, no matter how well you plan. So I say, acknowledge your feelings, let yourself know they are okay, and then try to focus on 1.) helping your wife deal with pregnancy, 2.) taking action, here and now, to make your transition to parenthood smoother, and 3.) visualizing the amazing, wonderful, non-anxiety-provoking experiences ahead of you as a new father.
So, step one: If your wife is experiencing a typical pregnancy, right now, she is EXHAUSTED. All of the time. She is burning as many calories a day right now just sitting around as someone running several miles a day. Her hormones are changing daily, which is emotionally exhausting. Her immune system is depressed, which means it's easier for her to get sick. On top of that, within a few weeks, she won't be sleeping well, because of all the changes in her body, and that will only get worse as the pregnancy puts pressure on her bladder and joints and she starts to be able to feel the baby moving. So: one of the best ways to endear yourself to any pregnant woman is to do chores so that she won't have to. Pick a couple of household chores that she normally does and make them your responsibility instead for the rest of the pregnancy and for the first month after the baby is born. Carry heavy stuff for her. Tell her to put her feet up while you cook dinner. I'm not saying you should treat her like an invalid or a child-- if one evening she suddenly feels like scrubbing all the floors in the house, don't argue with her-- but you SHOULD treat her like someone who is essentially working a second full time job right now making a baby, because she is.
This is very important: you need to shut up about whether she took her vitamins today and whether it's okay for her to occasionally drink small amounts of alcohol and whether or not it's safe for her to eat two bites of sushi unless she specifically asks for your input, okay? I mean unless your wife starts drinking three beers a day or decides she wants to go skydiving or something else that is clearly reckless, you need to butt out and let her make reasonable decisions about how to take care of her pregnant body, because IT IS HER BODY. I cannot possibly describe to you how UTTERLY STRANGE AND UNNERVING it is to suddenly have to share your body with another person and have to deal with the fact that every decision you make about your own health and safety and every single food you eat or medicine you take now affects not only you, but your future child. It's a real mind warp; it's a ton of responsibility; it's overwhelming; it's frustrating-- but what's EVEN MORE overwhelming and frustrating than suddenly having to worry about whether it's okay to take some cold medicine or eat that salad with soft cheese is how EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG seems to have a Very Important Opinion on how you, The Blessed Baby Vessel, should eat and sleep and exercise and work and even THINK. Dude. It's so not cool. I know you're the baby's father. I know you naturally care about the health of your future baby and the health of your wife. But don't be one more person treating her like she is incapable of making good decisions about how to be pregnant. It's her body. If you trusted her to be a mother enough to deliberately try for a baby, trust her now to be a pregnant person. Let her handle it.
Step two: Do what you can now to make your transition to fatherhood easier. Figure out, now, who you can call for help when neither you nor your wife has slept in three days and the baby is crying and dirty laundry is threatening to conquer your house. Start research now about things like hiring a housekeeper or a laundry service to help you through those first few hectic weeks; start asking your friends now for recommendations for a good pediatrician; read up on the best cribs and bouncy seats, stuff like that. Don't let that planning be your wife's sole province, as society is wont to push you to do. Planning for a baby will help you visualize the future, It will help you redirect your anxiety in a useful way. And if you do wind up being the stay-at-home-parent, you'll be grateful every day that you took some time now to research and plan things out-- trust me.
Step three: Realize that in your near future a whole new human being will see a butterfly or a cloud or a flower for the first time, and YOU will be the person see their wonder; YOU will be the person to tell that new human being what the name of that new-old thing is. Woah. You will be there the first time this person walks, the first time this person tries chocolate. You will see the whole world anew through this person's eyes and your cynical adult heart will melt. I am telling you, that stuff, NEVER gets old. Neither does being on the receiving end of the ridiculous unconditional love children beam at their parents. Kids make up for all of the crazy ways they upend your life by making certain moments of life infinitely more precious.
posted by BlueJae at 9:20 AM on April 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
So, step one: If your wife is experiencing a typical pregnancy, right now, she is EXHAUSTED. All of the time. She is burning as many calories a day right now just sitting around as someone running several miles a day. Her hormones are changing daily, which is emotionally exhausting. Her immune system is depressed, which means it's easier for her to get sick. On top of that, within a few weeks, she won't be sleeping well, because of all the changes in her body, and that will only get worse as the pregnancy puts pressure on her bladder and joints and she starts to be able to feel the baby moving. So: one of the best ways to endear yourself to any pregnant woman is to do chores so that she won't have to. Pick a couple of household chores that she normally does and make them your responsibility instead for the rest of the pregnancy and for the first month after the baby is born. Carry heavy stuff for her. Tell her to put her feet up while you cook dinner. I'm not saying you should treat her like an invalid or a child-- if one evening she suddenly feels like scrubbing all the floors in the house, don't argue with her-- but you SHOULD treat her like someone who is essentially working a second full time job right now making a baby, because she is.
This is very important: you need to shut up about whether she took her vitamins today and whether it's okay for her to occasionally drink small amounts of alcohol and whether or not it's safe for her to eat two bites of sushi unless she specifically asks for your input, okay? I mean unless your wife starts drinking three beers a day or decides she wants to go skydiving or something else that is clearly reckless, you need to butt out and let her make reasonable decisions about how to take care of her pregnant body, because IT IS HER BODY. I cannot possibly describe to you how UTTERLY STRANGE AND UNNERVING it is to suddenly have to share your body with another person and have to deal with the fact that every decision you make about your own health and safety and every single food you eat or medicine you take now affects not only you, but your future child. It's a real mind warp; it's a ton of responsibility; it's overwhelming; it's frustrating-- but what's EVEN MORE overwhelming and frustrating than suddenly having to worry about whether it's okay to take some cold medicine or eat that salad with soft cheese is how EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG seems to have a Very Important Opinion on how you, The Blessed Baby Vessel, should eat and sleep and exercise and work and even THINK. Dude. It's so not cool. I know you're the baby's father. I know you naturally care about the health of your future baby and the health of your wife. But don't be one more person treating her like she is incapable of making good decisions about how to be pregnant. It's her body. If you trusted her to be a mother enough to deliberately try for a baby, trust her now to be a pregnant person. Let her handle it.
Step two: Do what you can now to make your transition to fatherhood easier. Figure out, now, who you can call for help when neither you nor your wife has slept in three days and the baby is crying and dirty laundry is threatening to conquer your house. Start research now about things like hiring a housekeeper or a laundry service to help you through those first few hectic weeks; start asking your friends now for recommendations for a good pediatrician; read up on the best cribs and bouncy seats, stuff like that. Don't let that planning be your wife's sole province, as society is wont to push you to do. Planning for a baby will help you visualize the future, It will help you redirect your anxiety in a useful way. And if you do wind up being the stay-at-home-parent, you'll be grateful every day that you took some time now to research and plan things out-- trust me.
Step three: Realize that in your near future a whole new human being will see a butterfly or a cloud or a flower for the first time, and YOU will be the person see their wonder; YOU will be the person to tell that new human being what the name of that new-old thing is. Woah. You will be there the first time this person walks, the first time this person tries chocolate. You will see the whole world anew through this person's eyes and your cynical adult heart will melt. I am telling you, that stuff, NEVER gets old. Neither does being on the receiving end of the ridiculous unconditional love children beam at their parents. Kids make up for all of the crazy ways they upend your life by making certain moments of life infinitely more precious.
posted by BlueJae at 9:20 AM on April 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
You need to improve your communication with your partner. Do this by talking a lot. Make an explicit plan to talk with her every evening for at least 30 minutes. Your job during these talks is to listen and to get better at listening.
posted by bdc34 at 9:23 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by bdc34 at 9:23 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
I've read through the comments and just want to emphasize a few basic things:
1. Starting in a couple of weeks, it is likely that she is going to be exhausted all the time. If you want to be a good husband, just do as much as you can to let her not have to do much. It'll last three to four months, total, and then she'll have energy back.
2. You guys are not at all advanced age for having kids. I'm pretty sure there aren't even any greater risks to the baby until you're in your late 30s, and those increases are tiny even then.
3. Your wife might also feel panicked and disconnected, for what it's worth. When I was pregnant, I didn't really feel all that connected to the baby. I mean, I wasn't exactly disconnected, but there was no magical connection that existed (beyond the physical) because I was carrying the baby, just a vague sort of warmth when she'd move later in the pregnancy. I gently suggest that you not try to differentiate yourself hugely from her in any way except what she's going through physically, and will be going through physically as long as she's pregnant and nursing. You're both parents. There's nothing mystical there. Those daddy books have a bad tone because they're condescending, as if you are somehow the lesser parent, right? But you're not.
4. All that said, the big deal right now is actually supporting your wife exactly because of the wacky physical shit, particularly giving birth, she's going through. I'd say research stuff about labor and your role in supporting her through it just as much as kid stuff.
5. The baby stuff will sort itself out. Don't buy a lot of crap. Maybe give establishing kid sleep habits some thought at some point before he or she is three months old, because that'll affect your life more than a lot of stuff. But really, when it comes down to it, you have this baby and you keep it alive and fed and you call the doctor or someone when something seems off, and it's all fine. Actual thoughtful parenting doesn't kick in much until later on, and you have time between now and then to hammer some of that out.
posted by hought20 at 9:26 AM on April 1, 2016
1. Starting in a couple of weeks, it is likely that she is going to be exhausted all the time. If you want to be a good husband, just do as much as you can to let her not have to do much. It'll last three to four months, total, and then she'll have energy back.
2. You guys are not at all advanced age for having kids. I'm pretty sure there aren't even any greater risks to the baby until you're in your late 30s, and those increases are tiny even then.
3. Your wife might also feel panicked and disconnected, for what it's worth. When I was pregnant, I didn't really feel all that connected to the baby. I mean, I wasn't exactly disconnected, but there was no magical connection that existed (beyond the physical) because I was carrying the baby, just a vague sort of warmth when she'd move later in the pregnancy. I gently suggest that you not try to differentiate yourself hugely from her in any way except what she's going through physically, and will be going through physically as long as she's pregnant and nursing. You're both parents. There's nothing mystical there. Those daddy books have a bad tone because they're condescending, as if you are somehow the lesser parent, right? But you're not.
4. All that said, the big deal right now is actually supporting your wife exactly because of the wacky physical shit, particularly giving birth, she's going through. I'd say research stuff about labor and your role in supporting her through it just as much as kid stuff.
5. The baby stuff will sort itself out. Don't buy a lot of crap. Maybe give establishing kid sleep habits some thought at some point before he or she is three months old, because that'll affect your life more than a lot of stuff. But really, when it comes down to it, you have this baby and you keep it alive and fed and you call the doctor or someone when something seems off, and it's all fine. Actual thoughtful parenting doesn't kick in much until later on, and you have time between now and then to hammer some of that out.
posted by hought20 at 9:26 AM on April 1, 2016
I'm really surprised to see so many people recommending What to Expect When You're Expecting. I haven't bought it through two pregnancies because people told me it was just paranoia fuel - lots of "If you have this symptom it's probably nothing but in rare cases EVERYONE DIES" kind of stuff that I can get on the internet for free. There are other, less hysterical guides to pregnancy out there. In my first pregnancy I think my preferred resource was the Mayo Clinic book.
Absolutely read Expecting Better. It sheds a lot of light on just how strong the scientific evidence is for a lot of the "rules" your OB presents as ironclad. I agree with the people above that loss of bodily autonomy is one of the hardest things about pregnancy and one of the most frustrating things about it is that so often people are getting on your wick about shit that isn't even true. Most people remember the "pregnancy rules" from when they and their friends were pregnant even if that was decades ago and will quote chapter and verse at you without regard to the fact that the rules change every goddamn year (not exaggerating - Tylenol's pregnancy category changed since last time I was pregnant, and the new Tdap recommendation for third trimester moms came out as I was heading into my third tri last time and I actually had to print out the article for my OB because he didn't believe me that the CDC had altered their guidance).
And hey if you want something to focus your stress on: if you're in a major metro area you should be looking at daycares now. I literally called my first choice daycare on the day of my positive pregnancy test with both kids. This time I think I emailed them to put Tiny Fetus on the wait pool before I even called my OB. He is still not born but a few weeks ago I pinged them and they said they will have space for him "sometime in August" (i.e. a little over a year after I told them he was coming) which happily lines up with my return to work schedule. You may be luckier with availability in your area but you can't possibly know that without calling around. And a lot of the time they'll be like "Oh, you're doing this so early! You don't need to call us yet!" and then you're like "OK so when can my kid start, like in 6 months or what" and they're like "well we expect to have a part time opening for an infant in 2019." Soooo actually press them on details about start dates rather than listening to some receptionist who doesn't actually manage the wait pool tell you you're being crazy.
posted by town of cats at 9:31 AM on April 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
Absolutely read Expecting Better. It sheds a lot of light on just how strong the scientific evidence is for a lot of the "rules" your OB presents as ironclad. I agree with the people above that loss of bodily autonomy is one of the hardest things about pregnancy and one of the most frustrating things about it is that so often people are getting on your wick about shit that isn't even true. Most people remember the "pregnancy rules" from when they and their friends were pregnant even if that was decades ago and will quote chapter and verse at you without regard to the fact that the rules change every goddamn year (not exaggerating - Tylenol's pregnancy category changed since last time I was pregnant, and the new Tdap recommendation for third trimester moms came out as I was heading into my third tri last time and I actually had to print out the article for my OB because he didn't believe me that the CDC had altered their guidance).
And hey if you want something to focus your stress on: if you're in a major metro area you should be looking at daycares now. I literally called my first choice daycare on the day of my positive pregnancy test with both kids. This time I think I emailed them to put Tiny Fetus on the wait pool before I even called my OB. He is still not born but a few weeks ago I pinged them and they said they will have space for him "sometime in August" (i.e. a little over a year after I told them he was coming) which happily lines up with my return to work schedule. You may be luckier with availability in your area but you can't possibly know that without calling around. And a lot of the time they'll be like "Oh, you're doing this so early! You don't need to call us yet!" and then you're like "OK so when can my kid start, like in 6 months or what" and they're like "well we expect to have a part time opening for an infant in 2019." Soooo actually press them on details about start dates rather than listening to some receptionist who doesn't actually manage the wait pool tell you you're being crazy.
posted by town of cats at 9:31 AM on April 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
You probably won't get excited until the baby arrives. Your wife has the benefit of growing the baby inside of her, which is way more meaningful of an experience than you sitting by watching it happen. Your only job right now is to say 'yes dear.' If she wants watermelon in the middle of then night, you go get it. If she wants to eat Mcdonalds for breakfast every morning for a week, and not take her vitamins, you say yes dear. The only time that you have the right to tell her what she can and cannot consume is if she develops a health problem and her doctor insists on it. Otherwise, step back. Women have been having babies for a very long time without the perfect diet.
This is new to her too. Her body is changing and being taken over. It's a little scary. Focusing on what she is eating, drinking, etc. to care for the baby will only make her feel like less of a person. It could stress her out and stress is much worse for the baby than fast food or caffeine.
Focus on getting your career in order, as you would be doing with or without baby. Encourage her to be excited about the pregnancy and allow her to decorate the baby's room any way she wants.
Being a good day means taking care of your wife's every need while she is pregnant and during recovery. The best gift that you can give your future child is a healthy, happy mother.
And whatever you do, don't mention the hormones. She may throw something at you.
Also, remember to tell her that she is beautiful, even when she blows up to twice her size and gets weird stretch marks and veins, and don't forget to keep making her happy in the bedroom.
posted by myselfasme at 9:32 AM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
This is new to her too. Her body is changing and being taken over. It's a little scary. Focusing on what she is eating, drinking, etc. to care for the baby will only make her feel like less of a person. It could stress her out and stress is much worse for the baby than fast food or caffeine.
Focus on getting your career in order, as you would be doing with or without baby. Encourage her to be excited about the pregnancy and allow her to decorate the baby's room any way she wants.
Being a good day means taking care of your wife's every need while she is pregnant and during recovery. The best gift that you can give your future child is a healthy, happy mother.
And whatever you do, don't mention the hormones. She may throw something at you.
Also, remember to tell her that she is beautiful, even when she blows up to twice her size and gets weird stretch marks and veins, and don't forget to keep making her happy in the bedroom.
posted by myselfasme at 9:32 AM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Not a firsthand recommendation, but a friend who just had a baby said her husband liked this book aimed at new dads (Be Prepared). I think that they, too, read many aimed at new dads and didn't like most of them, but they did like this one. Good luck and congrats!
posted by bananacabana at 9:42 AM on April 1, 2016
posted by bananacabana at 9:42 AM on April 1, 2016
I'm 39 and have a 2 and a 4 year old, and I was in the exact same situation as you. There is much to worry about, but kids are remarkably robust and you are going to do just great. In fact, it gets better, you will weather this and come through great. I think it will completely change your life and you will get to experience what I think is the most amazing thing ever.
Tell your wife you love her, she's beautiful, get her what she wants / craves, be there, you don't have to know everything to worry about, (you can't, the doctors/nurses do and will).
Ask around for a pediatrician, that is nice to have lined up ahead of time.
I really liked "The Happiest Baby On The Block" DVD for learning how to get kids to sleep.
posted by nickggully at 9:42 AM on April 1, 2016
Tell your wife you love her, she's beautiful, get her what she wants / craves, be there, you don't have to know everything to worry about, (you can't, the doctors/nurses do and will).
Ask around for a pediatrician, that is nice to have lined up ahead of time.
I really liked "The Happiest Baby On The Block" DVD for learning how to get kids to sleep.
posted by nickggully at 9:42 AM on April 1, 2016
Do your research so you understand what's going on, but never assume you know better than her. Let her be the captain of her pregnancy. If she's a reasonably intelligent woman who's got a decent OB and is doing her own reading on pregnancy and childbirth, she knows what's going on. She's also going to get bombarded from all sides with insensitive questions and inaccurate opinions - like, strangers on the street will be all "how DARE you eat an ice cream cone and poison your BABY" and shit. She'll hear it all, and you need to be her safe judgment-free space. Fetuses basically grow on their own, and the mother has a lot less control over the baby's development than popular opinion would have you think. Avoid telling her what to do. Especially avoid telling her what to eat. Unless she's eating a big bowl of paint chips soaked in vodka every morning, what she eats is not going to have that significant of an effect - most babies are essentially made of saltine crackers. Also, she's probably miserable and her appetite is at the mercy of her hormones.
And, yes, it's totally normal to be anxious, ambivalent, numb, confused. It doesn't mean you aren't making the right decision or won't love your baby.
Congratulations!
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:46 AM on April 1, 2016
And, yes, it's totally normal to be anxious, ambivalent, numb, confused. It doesn't mean you aren't making the right decision or won't love your baby.
Congratulations!
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:46 AM on April 1, 2016
I felt an instinctual urge to care for both of my newborn babies, but I didn't really love them until they were 2-3 months old. They are people and it takes a while to get used to them, especially when they are such sleepy/crying/boring little people for the first couple months.
I didn't personally care about my husband reading pregnancy books, but I did care a lot about him reading about the first year of the baby's life. I'm a big fan of the Wonder Weeks app, which lets you know why your sweet baby is suddenly a screaming demon and that it will blessedly end at some point. It's much easier to deal with the bad days if you can identify a reason for it and have some empathy with the baby - growing is hard.
Watch the Happiest Baby on the Block DVD - we used the method with both our kids in the hospital, and it was like freakin' magic. I'd had a c-section so it was really up to my husband to rock and shush the baby between feedings, since I was stuck in bed.
posted by gatorae at 9:50 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
I didn't personally care about my husband reading pregnancy books, but I did care a lot about him reading about the first year of the baby's life. I'm a big fan of the Wonder Weeks app, which lets you know why your sweet baby is suddenly a screaming demon and that it will blessedly end at some point. It's much easier to deal with the bad days if you can identify a reason for it and have some empathy with the baby - growing is hard.
Watch the Happiest Baby on the Block DVD - we used the method with both our kids in the hospital, and it was like freakin' magic. I'd had a c-section so it was really up to my husband to rock and shush the baby between feedings, since I was stuck in bed.
posted by gatorae at 9:50 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
If she's under 45, there is a better than 95% chance that the baby's chromosomes are normal, if the pregnancy makes it past the first trimester (14 weeks). My source for this is the flyer I got from the genetic counselor before I had my CVS. And no, 45 is not a typo there.
No pregnancy is ever perfectly timed. That just doesn't happen in the real world.
posted by Anne Neville at 9:51 AM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
No pregnancy is ever perfectly timed. That just doesn't happen in the real world.
posted by Anne Neville at 9:51 AM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Some women get nauseated or constipated from prenatal vitamins. She might have a good reason for not taking them. You should generally assume that she's a reasonable adult who has good reasons for doing what she does, unless you have strong evidence to the contrary.
She doesn't need you telling her what to do. She's got a doctor for that, and tons of books, and Google, and when the pregnancy shows she might get unsolicited advice from total strangers.
posted by Anne Neville at 9:59 AM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
She doesn't need you telling her what to do. She's got a doctor for that, and tons of books, and Google, and when the pregnancy shows she might get unsolicited advice from total strangers.
posted by Anne Neville at 9:59 AM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Based on my husband's experience (as observed by me), this is IMMENSELY normal! We both wanted kids and then I got pregnant like two weeks after we started trying (both in our early 30s) we were happy but TERRIFIED and I spent a few weeks wondering if we'd done the right thing and he spent weeks not sleeping because he'd wake up in the middle of the night thinking "WHAT ABOUT THE COLLEGE FUND?". Now (25 weeks) we're both at a point where we're super happy and excited even though the idea is still overwhelming and scary. It really will get better and you will be okay.
You don't include an email address or anything but we're also in DC; please please feel free to MeFi mail me if you'd like more details on what we're doing and/or if you'd like to meet up for support or anything. I know we're not the only MeFites who are currently expecting babies (hi kat518!) so I was actually thinking about posting a DC MeFite parents-to-be meetup so look out for that if you think something like that might be helpful to you or your wife.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 10:01 AM on April 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
You don't include an email address or anything but we're also in DC; please please feel free to MeFi mail me if you'd like more details on what we're doing and/or if you'd like to meet up for support or anything. I know we're not the only MeFites who are currently expecting babies (hi kat518!) so I was actually thinking about posting a DC MeFite parents-to-be meetup so look out for that if you think something like that might be helpful to you or your wife.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 10:01 AM on April 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
What's putting me off is that I've been feeling sort of numb to the news. I want to be excited. I have been pushing down that numbness and trying to be supportive and feigning excitement with my wife because I know that hearing about my anxieties would not be helpful for my scared wife during this time. But I am secretly feeling anxious about it all - the job stuff, every single choice we have to make now, planning financially, what happens with day care, what is she going to consume and not consume while pregnant, etc
You give up a lot to be a father, as much in terms of your identity as in terms of your time. It is rewarding in ways that are hard to explain if you haven't been there, the tradeoffs are real.
If you're anything like me, this is the point in the process where you can see all the downsides coming, but none of the upsides. Like everyone else, I'm jumping in here to say "this is normal, you've gotta buckle down and ride this out." But more than just pushing through here, one thing I will tell you is: own your decision. You've decided to be a dad, and however you feel about it at any given moment, you have a choice about how you act on it. If you decide that you're going to own the responsibilities of the life you've chosen instead of resenting them you're going to be a lot happier and a lot more confident for the next two years, which is about how long it will be before your kid needs a hug from Dad and you get to find out what that feels like.
Growing up, I was really lucky: my dad showed up. He was there. Not everyone gets that; some dads just bail out at this point, if not physically then emotionally. They're just aren't present for their families, even when they're sitting at the same table. I've seen what happens to those guys, to their kids and their relationships; you don't want to be the person that turns you into.
Buckle down, own your decision, ride this out. It'll be great and worth it if you decide to make it great and worth it now, even if you won't really know what that feels like for a year or two. Anyone who says it's easy hasn't done it, but you've got this.
posted by mhoye at 10:10 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
You give up a lot to be a father, as much in terms of your identity as in terms of your time. It is rewarding in ways that are hard to explain if you haven't been there, the tradeoffs are real.
If you're anything like me, this is the point in the process where you can see all the downsides coming, but none of the upsides. Like everyone else, I'm jumping in here to say "this is normal, you've gotta buckle down and ride this out." But more than just pushing through here, one thing I will tell you is: own your decision. You've decided to be a dad, and however you feel about it at any given moment, you have a choice about how you act on it. If you decide that you're going to own the responsibilities of the life you've chosen instead of resenting them you're going to be a lot happier and a lot more confident for the next two years, which is about how long it will be before your kid needs a hug from Dad and you get to find out what that feels like.
Growing up, I was really lucky: my dad showed up. He was there. Not everyone gets that; some dads just bail out at this point, if not physically then emotionally. They're just aren't present for their families, even when they're sitting at the same table. I've seen what happens to those guys, to their kids and their relationships; you don't want to be the person that turns you into.
Buckle down, own your decision, ride this out. It'll be great and worth it if you decide to make it great and worth it now, even if you won't really know what that feels like for a year or two. Anyone who says it's easy hasn't done it, but you've got this.
posted by mhoye at 10:10 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
Also, in terms of your wife's request that you "start researching and understanding what's going on", I think something that might help, both in terms of feeling excited and preparing you both as well as making her feel like you're a part of this, is finding a few websites that will tell you what's going on every week (if you do a google search for like "pregnancy week 7" or "how big is a baby week 7" or "pregnancy symptoms week 7" you'll find plenty). There are like five I check each Sunday and they tell me stuff like what piece of fruit is the same size as the baby, how it's currently developing, and what symptoms I am probably having or can expect. It makes me feel a bit more normal and grounded and reminds me that this is happening to other people too and I will survive it, plus it's super exciting to see that our little tadpole, who started out like not even a lentil, is basically an orange or whatever now.
The one thing you probably should be doing now to prepare is looking at daycares. The one that works best for you will be a combination of quality, location, availability, and price. We have a deposit down somewhere for starting in August (six weeks after it's born) and again, I'm happy to talk more about specific places we researched in DC. That said, the place we're going with isn't super fancy and the facilities aren't the best, but it's clean and the people who work there are warm and welcoming and the kids seemed happy when we visited and they serve them good food and have a healthy routine. I trust that it will be safe physically and emotionally and feel nurturing and those were our priorities, plus they had space.
Finally, if you're in DC and looking for stuff like daycare, I would seriously, seriously recommend against visiting DC Urban Moms unless you have to because it'll make you feel like nothing you do is good enough and that you're a terrible, irresponsible parent even if you're making perfectly good choices that work for your family. Sometimes I look at stuff on there for resources and I almost always leave feeling sad and kind of dirty and you don't need that. You and your wife and your baby will be fine and lots of this will happen more easily and naturally than you expect; everyone with kids had to have a first baby and didn't know what to do. There are plenty of resources that will be really helpful, including family members and your OB (and MeFi! There really are a lot of us around here, including some with kids or pregnant!). Don't be afraid to ask for help! It will be okay and you will feel happy again soon.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 10:15 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
The one thing you probably should be doing now to prepare is looking at daycares. The one that works best for you will be a combination of quality, location, availability, and price. We have a deposit down somewhere for starting in August (six weeks after it's born) and again, I'm happy to talk more about specific places we researched in DC. That said, the place we're going with isn't super fancy and the facilities aren't the best, but it's clean and the people who work there are warm and welcoming and the kids seemed happy when we visited and they serve them good food and have a healthy routine. I trust that it will be safe physically and emotionally and feel nurturing and those were our priorities, plus they had space.
Finally, if you're in DC and looking for stuff like daycare, I would seriously, seriously recommend against visiting DC Urban Moms unless you have to because it'll make you feel like nothing you do is good enough and that you're a terrible, irresponsible parent even if you're making perfectly good choices that work for your family. Sometimes I look at stuff on there for resources and I almost always leave feeling sad and kind of dirty and you don't need that. You and your wife and your baby will be fine and lots of this will happen more easily and naturally than you expect; everyone with kids had to have a first baby and didn't know what to do. There are plenty of resources that will be really helpful, including family members and your OB (and MeFi! There really are a lot of us around here, including some with kids or pregnant!). Don't be afraid to ask for help! It will be okay and you will feel happy again soon.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 10:15 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
My wife just got me "What to Expect When Your Wife is Expanding" from the library. It's quite humorous, although I'm not yet sure how helpful it is.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:49 AM on April 1, 2016
posted by kevinbelt at 10:49 AM on April 1, 2016
P.S. I can tell you that what I really meant when I was pregnant and I asked my husband to "start researching and understanding what is going on" was "Pregnancy health complications can be dangerous and scary and I'm scared that something is going to go wrong and I won't be able to advocate for myself or our baby because I will be unconscious or maybe even dying and so I need you to understand well what is going on with my body so you can talk to a doctor for me in case a worst-case-scenario thing happens to me and I can't." But he, like you, was all deer-in-headlights and consequently didn't read anything I asked him to. And so, when I experienced unusually terrible 24-hour-a-day morning sickness, he didn't know what was going on or how to help; all he could say were unhelpful things like "Shouldn't this just happen in the morning?" When I started showing signs of early labor at 7 and a half months, he didn't know why that contractions 10 minutes apart at 7 months were a leave-work-now-and-take-your-wife-to-the-doctor problem, and when I convinced him to take me to the hospital and they were dismissive of me at first, he didn't know that the first nurse we talked to was being ignorant; he didn't stand up for me, when I really could have used a backup voice, and when I went to into labor on the big day, weeks early and before my mother could make it into town, I was ridiculously upset not because she was going to miss the baby but because she wouldn't be in the room with me to advocate for me, and I knew my husband wasn't going to know what to say or do. I love my husband, and he's realized his mistakes in that arena and apologized, and we're still together 11 years later, and he's a great dad. But him sticking his head in the sand about all pregnancy-related things was NOT a good way for him to start off our co-parenting relationship. Nope. So my advice is: read the books and websites that she is reading about pregnancy, so you know what she knows. And then ask her-- CALMLY-- to tell you what she wants you to do if X Y or Z unexpected health situation arises, so that you're prepared. But, again, trust her to make good choices, and avoid getting into arguments with her over her decisions for her own body.
posted by BlueJae at 11:01 AM on April 1, 2016 [25 favorites]
posted by BlueJae at 11:01 AM on April 1, 2016 [25 favorites]
Your wife is hatching a human being. You 2 will be responsible for this tiny human for 18 years, and then some. It's a big deal and being freaked out makes sense. You'll adapt. You'll see the ultrasound and connect to your baby, or hold your newborn and experience the sense of wonder and belonging.
I'm a fan of Penelope Lively's books. I can tell you that you only really need a fraction of the baby stuff that is recommended, and what's super-useful to use may not be a big deal to you. You will get masses of advice; apply common sense.
Your child will be him- or her-self. You can't predict. Your experience of parenting may be what you expect, or wildly different. I wouldn't give it up for anything. A few events sure, but I'm so happy to have my son.
Mazel tov.
posted by theora55 at 12:12 PM on April 1, 2016
I'm a fan of Penelope Lively's books. I can tell you that you only really need a fraction of the baby stuff that is recommended, and what's super-useful to use may not be a big deal to you. You will get masses of advice; apply common sense.
Your child will be him- or her-self. You can't predict. Your experience of parenting may be what you expect, or wildly different. I wouldn't give it up for anything. A few events sure, but I'm so happy to have my son.
Mazel tov.
posted by theora55 at 12:12 PM on April 1, 2016
How can I, as a husband (and also we as a couple), be as supportive as possible of my wife while respecting her autonomy but also to assuage my concerns about baby planning?
Honestly, as the non-pregnant person, I don't think you get much of a say in what she does with her body during the pregnancy, short of something really terribly like becoming an alcoholic. The reading you should do is something along the lines of Expecting Better so you can understand that all the stuff about what to eat and not to eat etc etc is all pretty much overblown. You do not want or need to get involved in things like her nutrition, prenatals, etc, unless she asks you to specifically. Your opinion about deli meat really does not matter. Hire a doula to do the advocacy bit in the labor room.
Having a kid is an immense amount of work, so the best thing you could do right now is get started on that work. Looking up and researching daycares, making a spreadsheet of possibilities, learning about other options in your area (like nannies, etc) is one idea. Starting to get a nursery ready is another.
posted by yarly at 12:18 PM on April 1, 2016
Honestly, as the non-pregnant person, I don't think you get much of a say in what she does with her body during the pregnancy, short of something really terribly like becoming an alcoholic. The reading you should do is something along the lines of Expecting Better so you can understand that all the stuff about what to eat and not to eat etc etc is all pretty much overblown. You do not want or need to get involved in things like her nutrition, prenatals, etc, unless she asks you to specifically. Your opinion about deli meat really does not matter. Hire a doula to do the advocacy bit in the labor room.
Having a kid is an immense amount of work, so the best thing you could do right now is get started on that work. Looking up and researching daycares, making a spreadsheet of possibilities, learning about other options in your area (like nannies, etc) is one idea. Starting to get a nursery ready is another.
posted by yarly at 12:18 PM on April 1, 2016
Either you trust her to be a reasonable and intelligent adult who is fit to take care of your child, during and after pregnancy, or you don't.
If you do, there's no need to nag or second-guess her choices.
If you don't, either that distrust is well-founded, or it isn't.
If it is, get a lawyer, get a divorce, and fight for custody after the baby is born.
If it isn't, that's your problem and not hers. Talk to a therapist, read some self-help books, or just hold your tongue when you feel the urge to nag or second-guess her.
posted by Anne Neville at 12:27 PM on April 1, 2016
If you do, there's no need to nag or second-guess her choices.
If you don't, either that distrust is well-founded, or it isn't.
If it is, get a lawyer, get a divorce, and fight for custody after the baby is born.
If it isn't, that's your problem and not hers. Talk to a therapist, read some self-help books, or just hold your tongue when you feel the urge to nag or second-guess her.
posted by Anne Neville at 12:27 PM on April 1, 2016
I could have written this word for word three years ago - seriously, almost all the salient details in your question applied to me. I am astounded to how similar this is to my situation. All I can say is everything turned out wonderful and I wish I could go back and better enjoy my wife's pregnancy and those first months when I was a stay-at-home dad while I was looking for work. Instead, I was wracked with panicky anxiety. Feel free to MeMail me.
posted by Falconetti at 1:00 PM on April 1, 2016
posted by Falconetti at 1:00 PM on April 1, 2016
The thing about recommendations of things to avoid consuming in pregnancy is, very few of them are absolute. Thalidomide is an example of something that's absolutely bad in pregnancy- there is at least one case where a woman had a deformed baby after taking one dose. Most other things that you hear you shouldn't consume in pregnancy aren't like that. The calculation of whether or not to consume them is more of the nature of a risk-benefit calculation. As such, there's room for reasonable people to make different decisions.
Take caffeine for an example. Mainstream medical advice is to limit your consumption to less than 200 mg/day. Some people will say you should avoid it altogether, but there isn't much actual evidence that that's better than limiting it. The same is true of alcohol.
Pregnant women are told to avoid certain foods due to the risk of listeria. But the thing about listeria is, it can show up in lots of different foods. If you avoided everything that has ever been associated with a listeria outbreak, you'd have a very limited diet, which causes its own set of problems, especially if you're also limiting your diet due to nausea. Different countries have different recommendations of what foods you should avoid due to listeria risks.
posted by Anne Neville at 2:01 PM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Take caffeine for an example. Mainstream medical advice is to limit your consumption to less than 200 mg/day. Some people will say you should avoid it altogether, but there isn't much actual evidence that that's better than limiting it. The same is true of alcohol.
Pregnant women are told to avoid certain foods due to the risk of listeria. But the thing about listeria is, it can show up in lots of different foods. If you avoided everything that has ever been associated with a listeria outbreak, you'd have a very limited diet, which causes its own set of problems, especially if you're also limiting your diet due to nausea. Different countries have different recommendations of what foods you should avoid due to listeria risks.
posted by Anne Neville at 2:01 PM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Get a Tdap shot. That's tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis. Try to do it at least a couple weeks before there is any possibility of the baby arriving- if you do it by the time she gets hers in the third trimester, you should be okay. You should be able to get one at your doctor's office or pharmacy. Make sure you get the one that includes protection against pertussis, not just a tetanus shot. You might be okay if you've had a Tdap (again, not just tetanus) shot in the last five years, though it shouldn't cause any harm to get another one. Everyone who spends any significant time with the baby in the first two months should have recently been vaccinated against pertussis.
If you're not up to date on your shots, you probably want to remedy that. Get a flu shot when they're available. She should get one, too. Babies can't get a pertussis shot till 2 months, flu till 6 months, or measles or chickenpox until 12 months, but they can get the diseases before then, and those diseases can be a huge problem for babies.
posted by Anne Neville at 4:08 PM on April 1, 2016
If you're not up to date on your shots, you probably want to remedy that. Get a flu shot when they're available. She should get one, too. Babies can't get a pertussis shot till 2 months, flu till 6 months, or measles or chickenpox until 12 months, but they can get the diseases before then, and those diseases can be a huge problem for babies.
posted by Anne Neville at 4:08 PM on April 1, 2016
Oh, and taking on the car seat or day care as a project does NOT mean having her do the research on these things, or nagging her to do those things, and then going to the store when she makes a decision. It means you doing the research, presenting her with a few choices, and then doing what needs to be done. If you're going to make her do most of the legwork because you're too busy at work or don't know anything about these things, fine, but don't do a tiny part of the job and try to take the credit.
The book Baby Bargains is good for narrowing down the field on things like car seats, strollers, and such. Be sure to get the latest edition.
posted by Anne Neville at 5:27 PM on April 1, 2016
The book Baby Bargains is good for narrowing down the field on things like car seats, strollers, and such. Be sure to get the latest edition.
posted by Anne Neville at 5:27 PM on April 1, 2016
First off, I think it's totally normal that you're freaking out. I think both my husband and I did. Even when we adopted a rescue dog when I was about 14 weeks along, driving her home in the back of the car we were like THIS IS FREAKING US OUT SO MUCH WHEN IT'S A DOG HOW CAN WE BE TRUSTED WITH A BABY. It's okay. It will probably pass. And if it doesn't, this is what therapy is for - PPD is a thing childbearing women can get but I think a similar kind of experience can be had by partners, as well.
As a pregnant woman, what I would have liked/did like:
- My husband was actually on work travel for my entire first trimester, but had he been home, I'm not sure he would have understood the absolute bone-deep exhaustion and lack of energy I experienced. In addition to that whole "growing a new human" thing, I had aversions to basically all food and I spent two weeks consuming nothing but fruit juice and occasionally cottage cheese (and my pre-natal vitamins... but not the omega-3s because they made me burp tuna breath and THAT led to sadness), so there was 0 fuel in the tank and my body still expended enough calories building a placenta and developing a fetus with me sitting on my ass for about eight weeks that I lost over 15 lbs. It was a major effort to haul myself from my bed to the sofa (where I worked from home, luckily, because I have no idea how I would have managed in an office) each morning. Given the option, I would sleep till 9 AM and go to bed around 7. It is exhaustion like nothing I have ever experienced. The closest thing I can think of is having mono, where if you've ever had that you know the feeling of being able to drift off to sleep the moment you shut your eyes at any time of the day and never feeling like you're actually fully rested. Except worse. No, caffeine will not help. "Just being a bit more active" will not help. (I did keep up my relatively gentle horseback riding lessons twice a week during this period, somehow, so I was trying to be a bit active but when I came home from them I had to sleep for two hours to recover) Having a nap will not necessarily help. Do not try to "fix" it. Just understand, and accept, and let her say what SHE needs to do to get through each day.
- Read the same things she is reading. Dad-specific advice is great, but it tends to be pretty jokey and "lol gross stuff" and "she's in charge, dude, you get no say" (at least in the ones people suggested for my husband, which I read as well). I get that it can be an uncomfotable thing, but both of you reading the same info is great for sanity checks. Does she have an app on her phone that tracks the pregnancy week by week and tells her whether the baby is the size of a plum or an avocado, and what symptoms she may be experiencing right now? You should get the same one. Read the update each day. Find out when she's likely to be more tired or have more of a burst of energy or start having sore boobs or whatever. Read the same books or websites (I really do like Expecting Better, and I love the blog Science of Mom for once the kid is born) so you have the same info. Attend a pre-natal class together, Lamaze or whatever, doesn't matter, so you're still working with the same info. I can't tell you how great it was to be able to ask my husband "Crap, I can't remember, is it 60 second contractions 7 minutes apart or 5 minutes apart that I need to call the hospital?" and he knew, or to say "Shit, how does swaddling work?" and between the two of us we could work out what the midwives had shown us. It's also good to do this when people give you books like What To Expect or, in our case, The Baby Whisperer, so when one of you says "I think this is kind of bullshit" the other one is sufficiently informed to agree and throw out the useless advice. So yeah. Whatever one of you reads, the other one should too, so that you manage the information as a team and you can sanity check each other. That said...
- Every pregnancy is different! Do not take anything you read as 100% gospel! If a book says she should have energy and she doesn't, don't argue with her! (Though, if it consistently doesn't match up with expectations, it might be worth suggesting she see her doctor about it, since I got to that point and it turns out I was severely anemic rather than just experiencing late 2nd trimester tiredness) If the app says she's probably super horny and chasing you for sex right now, and instead she's in a NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN mood, you sure as hell had better not argue that she's SUPPOSED to be a sex-crazed maniac! If you read a suggestion that she eat lots of [x] and [x] grosses her out completely, don't force it! This isn't so much a "she is always right" thing, it's a "the medical world loves to generalize about women's health and there's hardly any useful research on a lot of it so take a lot of stuff with a grain of salt and talk with her about what she's actually experiencing so that you both understand better" thing.
- Regarding what she should/shouldn't eat, read up on it. And not in forums that are full of women saying "well, better safe than sorry, *I* wouldn't put my baby at risk just to be selfish!" Fuck that. Pregnancy is hard. If she needs a martini one night she gets a damn martini. I read a lot, and since I am an American who got pregnant and had first trimester care in the UK and then had the remainder of my pregnancy and my delivery in Australia, I had the benefit of the perspective of three different countries' recommendations. And you know what, they all differ! It's useful to find what's common and what's different between each, and read up on it. For example, Australia and the UK are all cool with a cup of tea or coffee or two each day, whereas the US says to cut it out entirely. The UK okayed 2-3 drinks, 2-3 times a week until 2007 when the US pressured them to go no-alcohol-at-all to make western countries more consistent in their recommendations. (When I told my Australian doctor I was having a drink a week, she put me down as "normal" on the chart) Toxoplasmosis is the risk from cleaning cat litter boxes, eating rare red meat, and eating certain types of unpasteurized cheeses; did you know toxoplasma is killed by freezing meat, and that if you've ever had it in your life you're immune to it now? That's actually why French women aren't told not to eat a lot of soft cheeses - because the lifestyle involves eating a lot of it already, chances are they've already been exposed and they're immune now. I don't like soft cheese for the most part, but I do love a nice medium rare steak, so when I had a work dinner at a fancy steakhouse you better believe I enjoyed the hell out of one. Listeriosis is the biggest risk for the fetus during the first trimester, but the risk decreases as the pregnancy goes on - however, it is an awful GI type disease for the mother that probably requires hospitalization anyway, and the food poisoning risk is always that all that vomiting can trigger early labor, so it's not awesome, but in terms of straight up miscarriage first trimester is the biggest risk. I was a bit more careful about medications, but there are a lot of resources online about what is/isn't okay. The worst was when I had a terrible respiratory infection and couldn't treat it with pseudoephedrine. That was miserable. But at least the Mucinex type stuff was okay to clear out my lungs. Anyway, the point is, do research, and understand where all those "don't eat/drink this!" bullet points you see come from, and you and your wife can talk together about what you feel comfortable with. I'll deviate a bit from the above posters and say it's not necessarily 100% her decision - I definitely talked through some of this with my husband (we negotiated how much alcohol we were comfortable with the fetus being exposed to) and I was perfectly happy to do that. If he'd been zero-tolerance that would have pissed me off, but because we were both reading the same materials (see above) I was happier that we both worked out a somewhat educated risk tolerance we were comfortable with together.
I mean, I guess I'd say, you don't get to negotiate/dictate/give advice on what she's experiencing or feeling. But I don't think it's unreasonable to negotiate what you *do* - and that's everything from food and drink consumption to finding out the sex to pre-natal testing to healthcare providers to whether or not you're circumcising a boy to cloth versus disposable diapers to parental leave and daycare planning. But the onus is on you to not be a dick about it. And even if you're not "feeling it" right now and you're worried that's making you a bit insensitive, you can still think of it as a project you have to complete, and not be dickish about it in the process.
- Attend doctor's appointments with her. Listen to the fetal heartbeat. See the ultrasounds. Listen to the doctor/midwife's suggestions. All of this helps to make it feel more real.
- Get used to noticing where clean, convenient public restrooms are. That's going to come in handy starting in a few weeks.
- I wouldn't worry too much about clothes and nurseries and things yet. In fairness, we had major international and interstate moves to worry about during my pregnancy, so we weren't really in the mood to acquire stuff anyway, but we didn't really actively get anything for the kid until maybe the middle of the third trimester. Some people gave us stuff earlier, but we didn't buy anything till fairly late in the game. Because we knew we were moving eight weeks after she was born, we didn't set up or decorate a nursery or anything, and I didn't have any hardcore nesting instinct that made that a problem. We didn't have a baby shower. We did practice setting up/breaking down our pack'n'play (which we used as the bassinet/crib/changing table until we moved) and folding and unfolding the stroller one-handed. That came in handy when we were later sleep-deprived and stressed.
Good luck. It is normal to freak out or even to not really feel much about it right now. In this stage it is sort of a highly hypothetical thing and it is hard to really anthropomorphize it until it looks a bit more human on an ultrasound and you give it a nickname and it starts being something you can both feel moving. That's okay. Just be a true partner to your wife, don't be a dick, and educate yourself the same way she is. And roll with the punches. Nothing goes as planned. Make a plan, yes, I'm a planner and I'm comfortable having plans, but know that they don't always work out so be ready to adapt if and when you need to. It will all be okay.
posted by olinerd at 6:09 PM on April 1, 2016
As a pregnant woman, what I would have liked/did like:
- My husband was actually on work travel for my entire first trimester, but had he been home, I'm not sure he would have understood the absolute bone-deep exhaustion and lack of energy I experienced. In addition to that whole "growing a new human" thing, I had aversions to basically all food and I spent two weeks consuming nothing but fruit juice and occasionally cottage cheese (and my pre-natal vitamins... but not the omega-3s because they made me burp tuna breath and THAT led to sadness), so there was 0 fuel in the tank and my body still expended enough calories building a placenta and developing a fetus with me sitting on my ass for about eight weeks that I lost over 15 lbs. It was a major effort to haul myself from my bed to the sofa (where I worked from home, luckily, because I have no idea how I would have managed in an office) each morning. Given the option, I would sleep till 9 AM and go to bed around 7. It is exhaustion like nothing I have ever experienced. The closest thing I can think of is having mono, where if you've ever had that you know the feeling of being able to drift off to sleep the moment you shut your eyes at any time of the day and never feeling like you're actually fully rested. Except worse. No, caffeine will not help. "Just being a bit more active" will not help. (I did keep up my relatively gentle horseback riding lessons twice a week during this period, somehow, so I was trying to be a bit active but when I came home from them I had to sleep for two hours to recover) Having a nap will not necessarily help. Do not try to "fix" it. Just understand, and accept, and let her say what SHE needs to do to get through each day.
- Read the same things she is reading. Dad-specific advice is great, but it tends to be pretty jokey and "lol gross stuff" and "she's in charge, dude, you get no say" (at least in the ones people suggested for my husband, which I read as well). I get that it can be an uncomfotable thing, but both of you reading the same info is great for sanity checks. Does she have an app on her phone that tracks the pregnancy week by week and tells her whether the baby is the size of a plum or an avocado, and what symptoms she may be experiencing right now? You should get the same one. Read the update each day. Find out when she's likely to be more tired or have more of a burst of energy or start having sore boobs or whatever. Read the same books or websites (I really do like Expecting Better, and I love the blog Science of Mom for once the kid is born) so you have the same info. Attend a pre-natal class together, Lamaze or whatever, doesn't matter, so you're still working with the same info. I can't tell you how great it was to be able to ask my husband "Crap, I can't remember, is it 60 second contractions 7 minutes apart or 5 minutes apart that I need to call the hospital?" and he knew, or to say "Shit, how does swaddling work?" and between the two of us we could work out what the midwives had shown us. It's also good to do this when people give you books like What To Expect or, in our case, The Baby Whisperer, so when one of you says "I think this is kind of bullshit" the other one is sufficiently informed to agree and throw out the useless advice. So yeah. Whatever one of you reads, the other one should too, so that you manage the information as a team and you can sanity check each other. That said...
- Every pregnancy is different! Do not take anything you read as 100% gospel! If a book says she should have energy and she doesn't, don't argue with her! (Though, if it consistently doesn't match up with expectations, it might be worth suggesting she see her doctor about it, since I got to that point and it turns out I was severely anemic rather than just experiencing late 2nd trimester tiredness) If the app says she's probably super horny and chasing you for sex right now, and instead she's in a NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN mood, you sure as hell had better not argue that she's SUPPOSED to be a sex-crazed maniac! If you read a suggestion that she eat lots of [x] and [x] grosses her out completely, don't force it! This isn't so much a "she is always right" thing, it's a "the medical world loves to generalize about women's health and there's hardly any useful research on a lot of it so take a lot of stuff with a grain of salt and talk with her about what she's actually experiencing so that you both understand better" thing.
- Regarding what she should/shouldn't eat, read up on it. And not in forums that are full of women saying "well, better safe than sorry, *I* wouldn't put my baby at risk just to be selfish!" Fuck that. Pregnancy is hard. If she needs a martini one night she gets a damn martini. I read a lot, and since I am an American who got pregnant and had first trimester care in the UK and then had the remainder of my pregnancy and my delivery in Australia, I had the benefit of the perspective of three different countries' recommendations. And you know what, they all differ! It's useful to find what's common and what's different between each, and read up on it. For example, Australia and the UK are all cool with a cup of tea or coffee or two each day, whereas the US says to cut it out entirely. The UK okayed 2-3 drinks, 2-3 times a week until 2007 when the US pressured them to go no-alcohol-at-all to make western countries more consistent in their recommendations. (When I told my Australian doctor I was having a drink a week, she put me down as "normal" on the chart) Toxoplasmosis is the risk from cleaning cat litter boxes, eating rare red meat, and eating certain types of unpasteurized cheeses; did you know toxoplasma is killed by freezing meat, and that if you've ever had it in your life you're immune to it now? That's actually why French women aren't told not to eat a lot of soft cheeses - because the lifestyle involves eating a lot of it already, chances are they've already been exposed and they're immune now. I don't like soft cheese for the most part, but I do love a nice medium rare steak, so when I had a work dinner at a fancy steakhouse you better believe I enjoyed the hell out of one. Listeriosis is the biggest risk for the fetus during the first trimester, but the risk decreases as the pregnancy goes on - however, it is an awful GI type disease for the mother that probably requires hospitalization anyway, and the food poisoning risk is always that all that vomiting can trigger early labor, so it's not awesome, but in terms of straight up miscarriage first trimester is the biggest risk. I was a bit more careful about medications, but there are a lot of resources online about what is/isn't okay. The worst was when I had a terrible respiratory infection and couldn't treat it with pseudoephedrine. That was miserable. But at least the Mucinex type stuff was okay to clear out my lungs. Anyway, the point is, do research, and understand where all those "don't eat/drink this!" bullet points you see come from, and you and your wife can talk together about what you feel comfortable with. I'll deviate a bit from the above posters and say it's not necessarily 100% her decision - I definitely talked through some of this with my husband (we negotiated how much alcohol we were comfortable with the fetus being exposed to) and I was perfectly happy to do that. If he'd been zero-tolerance that would have pissed me off, but because we were both reading the same materials (see above) I was happier that we both worked out a somewhat educated risk tolerance we were comfortable with together.
I mean, I guess I'd say, you don't get to negotiate/dictate/give advice on what she's experiencing or feeling. But I don't think it's unreasonable to negotiate what you *do* - and that's everything from food and drink consumption to finding out the sex to pre-natal testing to healthcare providers to whether or not you're circumcising a boy to cloth versus disposable diapers to parental leave and daycare planning. But the onus is on you to not be a dick about it. And even if you're not "feeling it" right now and you're worried that's making you a bit insensitive, you can still think of it as a project you have to complete, and not be dickish about it in the process.
- Attend doctor's appointments with her. Listen to the fetal heartbeat. See the ultrasounds. Listen to the doctor/midwife's suggestions. All of this helps to make it feel more real.
- Get used to noticing where clean, convenient public restrooms are. That's going to come in handy starting in a few weeks.
- I wouldn't worry too much about clothes and nurseries and things yet. In fairness, we had major international and interstate moves to worry about during my pregnancy, so we weren't really in the mood to acquire stuff anyway, but we didn't really actively get anything for the kid until maybe the middle of the third trimester. Some people gave us stuff earlier, but we didn't buy anything till fairly late in the game. Because we knew we were moving eight weeks after she was born, we didn't set up or decorate a nursery or anything, and I didn't have any hardcore nesting instinct that made that a problem. We didn't have a baby shower. We did practice setting up/breaking down our pack'n'play (which we used as the bassinet/crib/changing table until we moved) and folding and unfolding the stroller one-handed. That came in handy when we were later sleep-deprived and stressed.
Good luck. It is normal to freak out or even to not really feel much about it right now. In this stage it is sort of a highly hypothetical thing and it is hard to really anthropomorphize it until it looks a bit more human on an ultrasound and you give it a nickname and it starts being something you can both feel moving. That's okay. Just be a true partner to your wife, don't be a dick, and educate yourself the same way she is. And roll with the punches. Nothing goes as planned. Make a plan, yes, I'm a planner and I'm comfortable having plans, but know that they don't always work out so be ready to adapt if and when you need to. It will all be okay.
posted by olinerd at 6:09 PM on April 1, 2016
The Panic Free Pregnancy is another book in the spirit of Expecting Better, that I liked.
I realized when I was pregnant- there is no food that you absolutely must eat for a healthy pregnancy and baby. Any food you can name, many women have made it through pregnancy without eating it. Pre-1492, the Old and New Worlds had pretty much disjunct sets of foods, and yet, women in both managed to have babies. Different cultures have very different ideas about what to eat and what pregnant women should eat, and yet they all manage to produce babies who survive to adulthood.
posted by Anne Neville at 6:27 PM on April 1, 2016
I realized when I was pregnant- there is no food that you absolutely must eat for a healthy pregnancy and baby. Any food you can name, many women have made it through pregnancy without eating it. Pre-1492, the Old and New Worlds had pretty much disjunct sets of foods, and yet, women in both managed to have babies. Different cultures have very different ideas about what to eat and what pregnant women should eat, and yet they all manage to produce babies who survive to adulthood.
posted by Anne Neville at 6:27 PM on April 1, 2016
Just to address specifically the 'thoughtless comment' part, it might be useful to realize that until you're out of the first trimester, a lot of women are really worried about miscarriage. And I don't mean 'gosh, I hope I don't have a miscarriage' and moving on. I'm one of the most laid back, chill people there is, and I was doing stuff like googling "miscarriage risk week X" on multiple days of the same week, and forcing myself to look at horrifying photos of miscarried fetuses, and stuff like that. I was terrified about it.
Then you move onto 'what if my baby is abnormal or deformed' territory, and it presents itself every hour of every day. What if I drink this cup of coffee so that I don't fall asleep on my drive home from the overnight shift, but then my baby is deformed and I can never forgive myself?! I'm having such bad cramps right now. It hurts so much. I can't think about anything except the pain. But what if the Tylenol really does cause autism?! (I'm a physician myself and yes, I ended up drinking the coffee and taking the Tylenol and I have two fantastic kids).
Anyway the combination of these two issues is definitely enough to make a normally calm person into a worrywart. And if anything DOES happen to the baby, then whether it makes sense or not, most women's first thought is "what did I do to cause this?! What's wrong with me?? Why is my body failing me??" It's this huge weight of undeserved personal guilt. That might help to illustrate why a comment implying "well, there's always abortion if we need it" comes off as completely tone deaf, even if she's fervently pro choice and is immensely relieved and glad that she does have options available in some worst case scenario nightmare. So bottom line: avoid any and all references to miscarriage or fetal anomalies unless she brings it up to you directly, and if it does come up, just realize all the emotional baggage that comes with it and instead of offering 'solutions' or reassurances that 'it wouldn't be so bad, because X' (about things you have little knowledge of), stick to positive comments like "you're doing a great job dealing with all these challenges." "you are going to be a great mom." "No matter what happens we will get through it together. Let me know what I can do to help."
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:35 PM on April 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
Then you move onto 'what if my baby is abnormal or deformed' territory, and it presents itself every hour of every day. What if I drink this cup of coffee so that I don't fall asleep on my drive home from the overnight shift, but then my baby is deformed and I can never forgive myself?! I'm having such bad cramps right now. It hurts so much. I can't think about anything except the pain. But what if the Tylenol really does cause autism?! (I'm a physician myself and yes, I ended up drinking the coffee and taking the Tylenol and I have two fantastic kids).
Anyway the combination of these two issues is definitely enough to make a normally calm person into a worrywart. And if anything DOES happen to the baby, then whether it makes sense or not, most women's first thought is "what did I do to cause this?! What's wrong with me?? Why is my body failing me??" It's this huge weight of undeserved personal guilt. That might help to illustrate why a comment implying "well, there's always abortion if we need it" comes off as completely tone deaf, even if she's fervently pro choice and is immensely relieved and glad that she does have options available in some worst case scenario nightmare. So bottom line: avoid any and all references to miscarriage or fetal anomalies unless she brings it up to you directly, and if it does come up, just realize all the emotional baggage that comes with it and instead of offering 'solutions' or reassurances that 'it wouldn't be so bad, because X' (about things you have little knowledge of), stick to positive comments like "you're doing a great job dealing with all these challenges." "you are going to be a great mom." "No matter what happens we will get through it together. Let me know what I can do to help."
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:35 PM on April 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
You've received such wonderful advice that I don't really feel the need to answer anything except the DC daycare question -- and that is to say that one of the things that would probably be a huge weight off of your wife's shoulders would be if you could take that search on yourself (while keeping her informed along the way and getting her input on things, too, of course) because it was so incredibly stressful for me. Some tips:
In terms of childcare, you basically have three options (1) daycare centers; (2) in home daycares (where someone takes care of 4-10 kids in their home - these are licensed and inspected and usually in the suburbs); (3) a nanny or nanny-share. In terms of location, you have two options - either near home or near work (if you work far apart from each other, then home might be easier, but if one of you can get into a center at work where your employer has preference, then that might be most convenient). If you want a daycare center, then depending on where you're located (are you in DC proper or out in the suburbs?), you'll need to start your daycare search and get on waitlists ASAP. I got on lists at 12 weeks that I finally received phone calls from when my daughter was two, it was insane.
Feel free to MeMail me for any DC-specific questions - we live in close in VA but work in DC (and most of our friends still live in DC so I can ask them a ton too).
posted by echo0720 at 12:32 PM on April 2, 2016
In terms of childcare, you basically have three options (1) daycare centers; (2) in home daycares (where someone takes care of 4-10 kids in their home - these are licensed and inspected and usually in the suburbs); (3) a nanny or nanny-share. In terms of location, you have two options - either near home or near work (if you work far apart from each other, then home might be easier, but if one of you can get into a center at work where your employer has preference, then that might be most convenient). If you want a daycare center, then depending on where you're located (are you in DC proper or out in the suburbs?), you'll need to start your daycare search and get on waitlists ASAP. I got on lists at 12 weeks that I finally received phone calls from when my daughter was two, it was insane.
Feel free to MeMail me for any DC-specific questions - we live in close in VA but work in DC (and most of our friends still live in DC so I can ask them a ton too).
posted by echo0720 at 12:32 PM on April 2, 2016
« Older Diplomatically approaching a salary issue | Homeowners Insurance -- Newbie questions Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by slide at 7:43 AM on April 1, 2016 [7 favorites]