how to give someone a month's rent non-awkwardly?
March 22, 2016 8:49 PM Subscribe
I want to tell an ex-roommate to keep my part of the security deposit as a gift. I want to do this as non-awkwardly as possible, but even to make the offer would force us to acknowledge what we have never discussed, that our finances are very different. Is this possible? How?
I broke a lease a while ago, making the agreement with my room-mate that I would officially stay on the lease and guarantee my share of the rent (e.g., until I was replaced, or if my replacement didn't pay). This worked out fine, a replacement was found, and they renewed the lease without me. I was scheduled to get my share of the deposit back, except them my replacement failed to make rent.
Technically, the month he didn't pay is not a month covered by the lease I signed, and technically I'm not responsible for making up the difference this time. But my room-mate needs the money, and wants to borrow it from me.
I'm willing to give it outright, not as a loan but as a gift. Partially this is because it's not entirely unrelated to my actions that my room-mate is now living with this replacement who doesn't reliably make rent. Mostly because it's a sum of money that my room-mate can't do without, and I can suffer to lose.
My question is, how do I present this non-awkwardly? I've been on the other end of this, being offered gifts that made it very clear how different our circumstances were, and even when done with the best of intentions, it's basically never been not awkward, sometimes excruciatingly awkward. We don't have good social conventions for acknowledging large differences in wealth.
(On the bright side, it's very likely I'll never see this person again after this, so if the answer is just that it's going to be awkward, that's not necessarily a deal-breaker.)
I broke a lease a while ago, making the agreement with my room-mate that I would officially stay on the lease and guarantee my share of the rent (e.g., until I was replaced, or if my replacement didn't pay). This worked out fine, a replacement was found, and they renewed the lease without me. I was scheduled to get my share of the deposit back, except them my replacement failed to make rent.
Technically, the month he didn't pay is not a month covered by the lease I signed, and technically I'm not responsible for making up the difference this time. But my room-mate needs the money, and wants to borrow it from me.
I'm willing to give it outright, not as a loan but as a gift. Partially this is because it's not entirely unrelated to my actions that my room-mate is now living with this replacement who doesn't reliably make rent. Mostly because it's a sum of money that my room-mate can't do without, and I can suffer to lose.
My question is, how do I present this non-awkwardly? I've been on the other end of this, being offered gifts that made it very clear how different our circumstances were, and even when done with the best of intentions, it's basically never been not awkward, sometimes excruciatingly awkward. We don't have good social conventions for acknowledging large differences in wealth.
(On the bright side, it's very likely I'll never see this person again after this, so if the answer is just that it's going to be awkward, that's not necessarily a deal-breaker.)
I would agree that it is loan, but to "pay me back when you can. Don't sweat it. If one day you have it send me an email and we can it out." I guess what I am saying is to agree that it is a loan, but make it clear it is not a big deal and no pressure to pay it back in any time frame.
posted by AugustWest at 9:02 PM on March 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 9:02 PM on March 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
Just play it straight. "wiser people have told me never to loan money - that any money should be given freely or not loaned at all. I feel partially at fault for this anyway, so I'd like to just cover this rent personally, no need to pay it back. Maybe one day down the line, you can pay it forward. heres a check, best of luck!"
posted by samthemander at 9:08 PM on March 22, 2016 [32 favorites]
posted by samthemander at 9:08 PM on March 22, 2016 [32 favorites]
I've been on both sides of this equation, and I've found it easier both ways if you're both just straight with the circumstances. "I've got more money than you right now, and I would very much like you to take this amount, which you need."
Please, please don't use the word "guilty," don't pretend it's a loan .... that's where the awkwardness starts. When someone said "pay me back when you can" I ALWAYS wanted to refuse the money.
I think the awkwardness is not in the transaction, but in your perception. Are you able to change that? Personally, I've never felt the need for a social convention that "acknowledges large differences in wealth." Are you more polite to rich people? More likely to feel someone is patronizing you if you perceive them as being richer than you? I don't know if this is true where there is real, bone-deep poverty, but in my world how you act dictates how I interact with you.
posted by kestralwing at 9:13 PM on March 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
Please, please don't use the word "guilty," don't pretend it's a loan .... that's where the awkwardness starts. When someone said "pay me back when you can" I ALWAYS wanted to refuse the money.
I think the awkwardness is not in the transaction, but in your perception. Are you able to change that? Personally, I've never felt the need for a social convention that "acknowledges large differences in wealth." Are you more polite to rich people? More likely to feel someone is patronizing you if you perceive them as being richer than you? I don't know if this is true where there is real, bone-deep poverty, but in my world how you act dictates how I interact with you.
posted by kestralwing at 9:13 PM on March 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
Tell them that you are fulfilling your own "pay this forward" debt and that you hope someday they can do the same.
posted by calgirl at 9:25 PM on March 22, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by calgirl at 9:25 PM on March 22, 2016 [10 favorites]
Just act like this was your original agreement: "that I would officially stay on the lease and guarantee my share of the rent (e.g., until I was replaced, or if my replacement didn't pay)." Your replacement did not pay, so I'd pretend you still consider yourself on the hook for this first occurrence. I know they signed a new lease so you're not technically on the hook, but I'd ignore that unless they repeatedly expect you to pay.
"Let me cover this. Our agreement was I'd cover the rent if my replacement didn't work out. He wouldn't even be your roommate if I were still there. I can't cover his rent repeatedly if he keeps failing to pay, but let me cover it this time."
posted by salvia at 10:23 PM on March 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
"Let me cover this. Our agreement was I'd cover the rent if my replacement didn't work out. He wouldn't even be your roommate if I were still there. I can't cover his rent repeatedly if he keeps failing to pay, but let me cover it this time."
posted by salvia at 10:23 PM on March 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
They will inevitably say "oh, I'll pay you back in x months" or whatever, and just respond with "don't worry about it" and then continue the conversation on to something else. Done, no awkwardness. Don't overthink it.
posted by ryanbryan at 11:10 PM on March 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by ryanbryan at 11:10 PM on March 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I would keep it short and sweet. "Here you go. Don't worry about paying this one back." Don't leave yourself on the hook for future flakes.
posted by bleep at 11:12 PM on March 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by bleep at 11:12 PM on March 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
The truth. Give the money and say you don't expect it back.
posted by Kwadeng at 3:53 AM on March 23, 2016
posted by Kwadeng at 3:53 AM on March 23, 2016
What if you framed it as a loan to replacement roommate, not to your friend?
posted by prewar lemonade at 4:25 AM on March 23, 2016
posted by prewar lemonade at 4:25 AM on March 23, 2016
Response by poster: Personally, I've never felt the need for a social convention that "acknowledges large differences in wealth." Are you more polite to rich people?
I feel like that direction is less awkward, because wealth is not exalted as strongly as poverty is stigmatized. But maybe I'm overthinking this.
posted by d. z. wang at 5:51 AM on March 23, 2016
I feel like that direction is less awkward, because wealth is not exalted as strongly as poverty is stigmatized. But maybe I'm overthinking this.
posted by d. z. wang at 5:51 AM on March 23, 2016
Hey, dude, don't worry about it, just use the deposit to cover it. If I had broken a lease anywhere else, I would have lost the deposit so it's all sort of fair. Good luck to you and have a nice life!
posted by myselfasme at 6:28 AM on March 23, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 6:28 AM on March 23, 2016 [6 favorites]
Nah, no long explanations....
"Hey, please keep my portion of the deposit to cover the month you were shorted."
If you get any blowback, just keep repeating "It's the right way to handle this."
posted by raisingsand at 9:12 AM on March 23, 2016 [1 favorite]
"Hey, please keep my portion of the deposit to cover the month you were shorted."
If you get any blowback, just keep repeating "It's the right way to handle this."
posted by raisingsand at 9:12 AM on March 23, 2016 [1 favorite]
Keep it simple.
Just give him the money. If he offers to pay it back in the future: "Seriously, it's cool. Don't worry about it."
posted by theorique at 9:45 AM on March 23, 2016
Just give him the money. If he offers to pay it back in the future: "Seriously, it's cool. Don't worry about it."
posted by theorique at 9:45 AM on March 23, 2016
Is this ex-roommate your (now ex?) girlfriend mentioned in previous posts? If so, giving money to an ex as a gift has different connotations than just trying to help a roommate out, especially if you were the dump-er. I'd make sure to mention that whole 'not planning to see you again' (although in nicer terms) so that she knows you're not going to use this to continue to be present in her life.
posted by jouir at 10:01 AM on March 23, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by jouir at 10:01 AM on March 23, 2016 [2 favorites]
I would agree that it is loan, but to "pay me back when you can. Don't sweat it. If one day you have it send me an email and we can it out." I guess what I am saying is to agree that it is a loan, but make it clear it is not a big deal and no pressure to pay it back in any time frame.
I strongly disagree with this. I have lost a good friendship in a similar circumstance. I lent a friend money, he promised to pay it back by x date, I said "no worries, pay it back when you can," he wasn't able to pay it back and then, presumably, out of guilt he started slowly detaching from my life. Never got the money back and lost a friend because neither of us were upfront about how we really felt about the situation.
posted by Falconetti at 1:21 PM on March 23, 2016 [2 favorites]
I strongly disagree with this. I have lost a good friendship in a similar circumstance. I lent a friend money, he promised to pay it back by x date, I said "no worries, pay it back when you can," he wasn't able to pay it back and then, presumably, out of guilt he started slowly detaching from my life. Never got the money back and lost a friend because neither of us were upfront about how we really felt about the situation.
posted by Falconetti at 1:21 PM on March 23, 2016 [2 favorites]
If he/she needs the money and you know that, just say I'm happy to cover this as I feel partially responsible. So here's a check and let's call it even, cool?
Then you're done. And you did a good deed. Yay!
posted by Georgia Is All Out Of Smokes at 2:48 AM on March 24, 2016
Then you're done. And you did a good deed. Yay!
posted by Georgia Is All Out Of Smokes at 2:48 AM on March 24, 2016
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I'd avoid actually labeling it as a gift. It might still be awkward, but they probably won't bring up the financial differences between you if you don't - even if they are aware.
posted by Ashlyth at 9:01 PM on March 22, 2016 [9 favorites]