New boss, better than the old boss
January 29, 2016 7:55 PM Subscribe
How do I stop carrying over anger and anxiety from a previous job with a terrible supervisor?
I left an extremely toxic job last year. My new position is better than the old in almost every way, which is great, right?
It certainly is great, but I'm still carrying so much anxiety and anger from my last job that I believe it's affecting how I relate with my current boss and coworkers. I'm still overly shocked that I get to leave for the doctor on short notice if I've been injured, without getting demands for copies of doctor's letters. More acutely, I did not attend to a home emergency recently because I felt I had to go to work that day; in retrospect, my boss would almost certainly have understood and been flexible about a few hours being moved around, and has been in the past. People work at home quite frequently and around illnesses, emergencies, sick family members, etc., even travel and fun! Nearly everyone in the office is as lovely as the people in the last job were toxic, but I feel like I can't quite relax, and I think it's affecting my output. The home emergency also snowballed in a way it wouldn't have if I'd been thinking clearly and just called in that day and explained what was going on.
There's been additional churn and turnover at my old job since I left, and there were even hints that the toxic supervisor would be fired. Of course, it turns out he's still there. There isn't so much as a negative Glassdoor review about this place. I took it off my LinkedIn because it makes me angry just to see the name of the place, and I noticed that some other former colleagues have left it off too, which probably misleads job-seekers doing their research into thinking there's less turnover than there really is. It kills me that good, hardworking people had to flee or get fired while this frequently absentee, incompetent, hostile, sexist guy, who basically siphons resources and makes everyone miserable, continues getting paid to play computer games at his desk (when he's even there). Everyone who left of their own accord is in a better place now, as I am, but I still feel pointless rage.
The toxic workplace seems like a well-documented problem, but I'm not seeing much to guide me for moving past one psychologically. I read some other questions where people bounced back almost immediately after entering a lovely new job, which is what I presumed would happen to me, but hasn't quite. Help?
I left an extremely toxic job last year. My new position is better than the old in almost every way, which is great, right?
It certainly is great, but I'm still carrying so much anxiety and anger from my last job that I believe it's affecting how I relate with my current boss and coworkers. I'm still overly shocked that I get to leave for the doctor on short notice if I've been injured, without getting demands for copies of doctor's letters. More acutely, I did not attend to a home emergency recently because I felt I had to go to work that day; in retrospect, my boss would almost certainly have understood and been flexible about a few hours being moved around, and has been in the past. People work at home quite frequently and around illnesses, emergencies, sick family members, etc., even travel and fun! Nearly everyone in the office is as lovely as the people in the last job were toxic, but I feel like I can't quite relax, and I think it's affecting my output. The home emergency also snowballed in a way it wouldn't have if I'd been thinking clearly and just called in that day and explained what was going on.
There's been additional churn and turnover at my old job since I left, and there were even hints that the toxic supervisor would be fired. Of course, it turns out he's still there. There isn't so much as a negative Glassdoor review about this place. I took it off my LinkedIn because it makes me angry just to see the name of the place, and I noticed that some other former colleagues have left it off too, which probably misleads job-seekers doing their research into thinking there's less turnover than there really is. It kills me that good, hardworking people had to flee or get fired while this frequently absentee, incompetent, hostile, sexist guy, who basically siphons resources and makes everyone miserable, continues getting paid to play computer games at his desk (when he's even there). Everyone who left of their own accord is in a better place now, as I am, but I still feel pointless rage.
The toxic workplace seems like a well-documented problem, but I'm not seeing much to guide me for moving past one psychologically. I read some other questions where people bounced back almost immediately after entering a lovely new job, which is what I presumed would happen to me, but hasn't quite. Help?
I have had a similar experience. I don't know if it is comfortable for you to do so, or if it will be in the future, but it helped me a lot to discuss my previous situation with my new much better manager. That gave me assurance that if I was appearing overly anxious about work to my co-workers, my new manager knew why. The new manager also gave me coaching and support to help me know I was doing fine. This is of course very much dependent on your new manager's abilities.
posted by girlhacker at 11:41 PM on January 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by girlhacker at 11:41 PM on January 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
I had the same situation and it just took time. Probably at least a year.
posted by amro at 4:47 AM on January 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by amro at 4:47 AM on January 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
Go ahead and leave a Glass Door review. You're a person, YOU can voice everything that made this a toxic environment for you.
I am pretty liberal with the advice for anti-anxiety drugs, and maybe you're not a candidate, but it might be worth exploring.
I found that after I left my VERY HIGH STRESS job as a high school teacher that my blood pressure was permanently elevated and that jumped sky-high at the slightest provocation. I experienced panic attacks, it changed who I was.
Perhaps some therapy to help you process your experience. Not addressing it isn't helping you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:02 AM on January 30, 2016
I am pretty liberal with the advice for anti-anxiety drugs, and maybe you're not a candidate, but it might be worth exploring.
I found that after I left my VERY HIGH STRESS job as a high school teacher that my blood pressure was permanently elevated and that jumped sky-high at the slightest provocation. I experienced panic attacks, it changed who I was.
Perhaps some therapy to help you process your experience. Not addressing it isn't helping you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:02 AM on January 30, 2016
Like amro, I had a similar situation and it took me a while to warm up to my new manager and the new environment.
Do you journal? That might be a good tool for processing your situation. You could vent about your old work environment, and also write in detail about your new work environment and how it is different.
posted by bunderful at 6:22 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
Do you journal? That might be a good tool for processing your situation. You could vent about your old work environment, and also write in detail about your new work environment and how it is different.
posted by bunderful at 6:22 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
I am still having stress nightmares about one old job and it's been years. And some of my friends who have also left that horrible place report the same thing. A couple of friends still work in that toxic workplace, but they are all working on getting out. Is there a way you can help your friends who were stuck?
It's really a matter of time -- you'll get further and further out and it will recede. And you'll be able to stop feeling guilty when you take a lunchbreak away from your desk, or stay home when you have the flu instead of struggling into work.
posted by vickyverky at 11:56 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
It's really a matter of time -- you'll get further and further out and it will recede. And you'll be able to stop feeling guilty when you take a lunchbreak away from your desk, or stay home when you have the flu instead of struggling into work.
posted by vickyverky at 11:56 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
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The answer lies in stepping back and examining those automatic thoughts, what's the basis in reality (usually little or none)... what are some alternative ways to think about that situation/event?
If you can reframe the distorted thinking about these situations/events, you can change the emotions they elicit and the resulting decisions/behaviors..
yep...cognitive behavioral therapy techniques... If this is having an impact on your ability to function in life or on the job, you might want to engage the help of a therapist to help you get a new perspective... and tools to reframe your thinking...
posted by HuronBob at 9:20 PM on January 29, 2016