How to get through a meeting with a difficult co-worker

September 28, 2015 12:59 AM

A difficult co-worker has requested a meeting to discuss communication problems with me. It's being mediated by our boss. What strategies can I use to get through it without getting personal or accusatory?

I work at a very small company - 8 people. The owner has recently taken himself out of day-to-day operations and put person X in a more managerial role. X is notoriously difficult to deal with. Everyone has had a problem with him in the 4 years I have been there. When I first started, literally no one was speaking to him for the first 6 months I was there! It's a done deal that he's in charge now, though, as bad a decision as it may seem. There is nothing I can do about it.

Until now, I've been able to sidestep having to deal with him except occasionally. Now that he is managing everything, I have to deal with him. I have been trying and I think he has to, but something came up (an internal project) that slipped through the cracks partly because I was avoiding talking to him about it. Every time I get an email or skype from him I get a pit in my stomach.

I want to say also that in the past year I have done some really good things for this firm, and gotten very high praise from clients, including one project that the client didn't believe we could get done on time, and meant that we would be the go-to firm for all their projects. X was not involved in these projects at all.

On Friday he requested that we have a meeting on Monday about our communication issues, with the owner there to mediate. I honestly think this is a lot of drama for such a small firm, but apparently that is not my call to make.

Please give me some strategies and tips for getting through this meeting without blowing up. He has a habit of making things personal. I'd like to come out of it with some SMART goals, but I don't know what they might be.

I am pretty sure I need to leave this company, but I don't want to do it until I have a good offer. This has been a pretty good job until now.

posted by anonymous to Work & Money (12 answers total)

i've been in a similar situation, and i was surprised just how much everyone else (in your case, the mediating boss) was aware of the situation and had my back. so it worked out just fine, and i hope yours does too.

but i didn't know that before going in, so i prepared pretty well. i went through possible conversations in my head, wrote down what i wanted to say "that's because you're an idiot who doesn't listen to me" and then translated that into the kind of thing i could say "that's because there was a problem with communication; i wrote about this in emails on X and Y, but unfortunately they were overlooked". etc etc.

also, i made list of tactics i could use if things got tough. this was all by teleconference, so i could actually pin them up in front of me. things like "say someone just rang the doorbell" or "kill the connection and blame skype". because i knew my main problem is that i would get angry and say something too fighty, so i had these things lined up to buy time. i don't know your situation, but maybe you can think of something similar.

and finally, i kept reciting in my head "be professional". if i can get into "pretending to be a professional" mode in my head i can actually be pretty good. it feels like i am faking a role, but it works.

anyway, as i said, it was all over-preparation that wasn't needed, but it helped (one way to say that is that long term you need to do a good job for good people - if you can manage that then things like this seem to sort themselves out).
posted by andrewcooke at 2:19 AM on September 28, 2015 [7 favorites]

I just attended a great communication workshop at work, with lots of tips for just this kind of thing. If you MeMail me I can send copies of all the posters.
posted by jrobin276 at 2:23 AM on September 28, 2015

If this guy is going to turn vicious and attack you or make things personal or even just use a rude tone, the best thing you can do is not stoop to that level. Your boss will be able to get a sense of what you have to deal with and you will avoid escalating things with the supervisor. If he gets personal and you stay as professional as possible, he will look like an ass. Stay results oriented and focused on measuring success and processes and all that.

It sounds like you will have to accept you made an error in letting that thing slip through the cracks and focus on concrete solutions so it never happens again. You will confirm delivery dates to all the emails for new projects going forward or you will have a weekly check-in with your supervisor, or whatever it is. Maybe a solution could be setting up a project calendar or a project management system that everyone uses to see what is due and who is doing what in the process. Just don't promise to do something you really, really, really don't want to do or can't do.

If there are things he is doing wrong that are making it difficult to do your job, other than him being a jerk and hard to deal with, this may be a good opportunity to raise it. As long as they are concrete, non-personal things that you can find a solution to. I would view this as opportunity not for you to fix your communication toward him, but to sync up your communication together better, even if he does suck.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:49 AM on September 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

TBH, if you let a project slip because you hate talking to him so much then I think a meeting to discuss the issues is well in order. I would take it as a hopeful sign that this is the option he choose instead of just blowing up at you behind closed doors.

If you have a good relationship with the owner, then I would talk to him to understand his expectations for the meeting. When I've done similar mediations, I've usually had a premeeting with both parties so all could ask questions. The mediator should keep things from getting personal, if possible, and I think it's okay to share that wish with the owner ahead of time. "I really appreciate the chance to get to the bottom of any issues with XXX, but I'm a little concerned that the discussion could get too personal and I've never participated in this kind of mediation session before. Are there some guidelines about how to participate?"

In general, I try to keep mediation to I Statements or feeling statements to reduce the chances of accusation. "I am frustrated when I feel like you don't listen to me" not "You don't listen to me!". Even if the other guy is going to throw rocks, you will look better if you can take the high road.
posted by frumiousb at 3:45 AM on September 28, 2015 [15 favorites]

I'm a "worst-case scenario" kind of over-planner, so I would go in with my responses practiced and ready. Assume this guy is going to slam you and say things that may range from jerky to outright lies that make you look really bad and maybe he's even trying to get you fired.

The best thing you can do in this scenario is not take the bait. Remain cool. Do not respond immediately to anything he says.

In most places of work, managers don't want to have these types of meetings because it's a waste of their time and they want their employees to work things out on their own. You want to ensure that in this meeting, you're the cool and rational one. Let this other person dig their own grave.
posted by kinetic at 3:58 AM on September 28, 2015 [5 favorites]

In an ideal world, where everyone strives for getting things better, a "meeting to discuss communication problems" has the ultimate goal to improve communication.

In a real world, we only can change ourselves, and not the other person.

Putting these two things together, this is your course of action:
Listen.
Depending on what you hear, ask for specific suggestions to improve your side of the communication issue.
Take notes.
Agree, or if something suggested from the other side seems not feasible, argue for an alternative (with the same goal: improve communication).
Try to avoid getting defensive, because it takes agency away from you as it gives others reasons to rant freely or turn the discussion into a personal thing. Just don't let them do that.

Or in other words, show with all your being that you have a constructive mindset. Conclusions will be drawn accordingly.
posted by Namlit at 4:01 AM on September 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

On Friday he requested that we have a meeting on Monday about our communication issues, with the owner there to mediate. I honestly think this is a lot of drama for such a small firm, but apparently that is not my call to make.

Serious situations that have a big effect on people - not just you, but the whole company - are, in fact, dramatic.
posted by amtho at 4:45 AM on September 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

Letting a project slip because you didnt want to talk to him - and getting a pit sensation in your stomach every time you talk to him - these are serious problems. Seems like mediation is long over due.

I think you need to go into this meeting with an open mind, including accepting that you might be part of the problem. I mean, you did let a project slip just so you could avoid this someone.
posted by Flood at 5:55 AM on September 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

Until you get a new better job offer, your goal should be making working together as good as possible. Like it or not, this guy is now the boss and you need to get along with him. Here are some tips for the meeting.

First of all, in order to be less stressed, reframe the meeting from a stressful criticism to a forum for helpful input how you can work together better in the future. Thank both of these busy people for spending time helping you work better.

I feel strongly that anytime you have a discussion at work about a problem with your superiors, there is only one path and that is to focus on the future and what needs to happen in the future differently. There is no added value to picking apart the past and defending yourself about what some issue from some time ago. You will look petty and the discussion will be annoying. Say things like: "let's focus on the future. What do I need to do differently so that we have successful communication?' Write down carefully the things that you agree upon. Critic - you don't answer emails quickly enough. Perfect, ask how quick is necessary?

If there is any discussion about the past, let the difficult coworker describe the problem. Don't get involved in the discussion. Don't stoop to his level and don't get in a point for point discussion about what happened. This discussion picking apart the past is annoying and unhelpful and no owner wants to listen to it. Say things like: "Thank you for the feedback. It's really good that you let me know how I can improve. Let's discuss what I can do in the future so this doesn't happen again." By the way, the more that Difficult Coworker' goes into detail about past things, the sillier he will look when you refuse to engage.
posted by jazh at 6:03 AM on September 28, 2015 [5 favorites]

Just remember: in a big group meeting, you don't have to be the winner. You just have to not be the loser. Let someone else lead the pack even if you feel the urge to, never talk first, and keep a low profile. You're already looking for a new job, there's no reason to rock this boat. When it's time to talk about the project you whiffed while avoiding talking to him, say things like, "I wish that had not happened; I was pulled in a lot of directions and to be honest with you, the work I was doing on Projects Y and Z took up most of my attention and I didn't prioritize Project X, which in hindsight I should have done. Next time I'll take a few more opportunities to reprioritize when I'm in the weeds and it will go better." Use jargon, stay under the radar. Repeat to yourself, "I just need to come out in the middle of the pack."
posted by juniperesque at 6:07 AM on September 28, 2015 [5 favorites]

My advice is the opposite of frumiousb's. Stick to objective facts as much as possible. Not "I feel this or that," because (to be blunt) your feelings are not the company's problem. If you can say "on August 1, I e-mailed you saying I need a reply by August 10, and on August 11, you replied and accused me of dawdling," (it would help to have the actual e-mail in front of you) that will carry a lot more weight.

You also need to own up to your own mistakes. In this case, you can say "I let that slide because I dreaded interacting with him" but you need to lead into that with factual evidence to explain your dread.

Don't let yourself be talked over. Don't raise your voice.
posted by adamrice at 9:32 AM on September 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

Sounds like you're about to have a "CRUCIAL CONVERSATION". I just had this training at work and its actually really useful.

you need to do some work beforehand: Identify the issue and determine the root cause through thinking about a single instance of the problem, the pattern of the issue over time and how that is affecting your relationship.
link

STATE works to manage the facts from your feelings.

Use active listening skills to keep the conversation flowing

You can probably find the whole book online in pdf. Here's the book notes.

I know a lot of people think that corporate training is a bunch of B.S. but this course was extremely useful to me and reinforced ideas from other communication books I've read. Take a few minutes to work through the exercises tonight before the meeting. They will give you a solid foundation to work from during the meeting and help you stay focused on facts and direct the conversation into mutual goals instead of devolving into personal defense mechanisms.
posted by kookywon at 12:28 PM on September 28, 2015 [4 favorites]