Getting over a toxic boss in time for a new job
June 8, 2013 10:34 AM Subscribe
For the past year or so, I've been supervised by an especially moody and critical manager. Fortunately, my contract ended and I'm getting ready to start a new job at a different organization. How can I get over my grudges and feel confident in my new position?
During my time with the organization, I tried the usual "let's get back on the same page and move on" tactics (asking for a review, going over weekly goals, attempting to keep lines of communication open), but our relationship degraded over time to the point where I spent at least one night every week driving home in tears.
I'm emotionally burnt out, feeling like the worst employee of all time, and have lost a lot of my confidence (even though, deep down inside, I know my work was valuable and integral to the organization's goals). How can I start my new job without baggage from the old one? What are some good ways to gain back the confidence I've lost?
During my time with the organization, I tried the usual "let's get back on the same page and move on" tactics (asking for a review, going over weekly goals, attempting to keep lines of communication open), but our relationship degraded over time to the point where I spent at least one night every week driving home in tears.
I'm emotionally burnt out, feeling like the worst employee of all time, and have lost a lot of my confidence (even though, deep down inside, I know my work was valuable and integral to the organization's goals). How can I start my new job without baggage from the old one? What are some good ways to gain back the confidence I've lost?
You know, intellectually, that your former boss was toxic. Every minute you spend berating yourself emotionally that it was your fault is a minute that your former boss is taking up residence in your head, and he's* not even paying you for the privilege.
Write a letter to him detailing how incredibly shitty his behavior was to you. Include lots of examples. Then burn the letter. Watch the smoke rise and rise and dissipate and *poof* that is all the hold he has left on you, burned away and dissipated. If you are so inclined, feel free to piss on the ashes.
When you find yourself obsessing on how things used to be, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you are now one second farther away from that asshole, and he will never bother you again. Breathe. One more second. Repeat as necessary.
* -- Using male pronouns just to avoid having to say "he or she" over and over again.
posted by Etrigan at 11:15 AM on June 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
Write a letter to him detailing how incredibly shitty his behavior was to you. Include lots of examples. Then burn the letter. Watch the smoke rise and rise and dissipate and *poof* that is all the hold he has left on you, burned away and dissipated. If you are so inclined, feel free to piss on the ashes.
When you find yourself obsessing on how things used to be, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you are now one second farther away from that asshole, and he will never bother you again. Breathe. One more second. Repeat as necessary.
* -- Using male pronouns just to avoid having to say "he or she" over and over again.
posted by Etrigan at 11:15 AM on June 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
Would it be possible to take a class in something relevant to your field? In addition to improving your abilities it may increase your confidence to succeed in increasing your knowledge.
Having had this experience myself, even if you don't manage to restore your confidence before you start your new job it will happen pretty quickly once you realise your value to the new (non-toxic) organisation.
posted by Laura_J at 12:17 PM on June 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Having had this experience myself, even if you don't manage to restore your confidence before you start your new job it will happen pretty quickly once you realise your value to the new (non-toxic) organisation.
posted by Laura_J at 12:17 PM on June 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
When you access memories of your time in a bad situation under this boss your going to have feelings about it. Sometimes it might be good to let the feelings run their coarse. Pay attention to your physiological response. It might be tightness in the gut, the jaw, the neck. You might feel it in your breathing or heartbeat. Let all the feelings play out but also be a compassionate observer of your thoughts, emotions, and somatic response.
You can not do this every time you remember the situation though. A lot of the time you'll need to just remind yourself that the situation is past and your grateful its over. Feel the relief. Move onto something else.
With more and more time between you and the bad period the memories will be less vivid and less frequent.
As far as feeling confidant, you'll need to decide what constitutes competence in your new position. Your personal view as well as the organization's view. Have some tolerance built in. A goof here & there doesn't render a person incompetent. If you have a super critical voice in your head let it know its not helping and dismiss it. Almost everybody has to exercise some control over our interior monologue sometimes because it can get contaminated by people like your former boss.
posted by logonym at 2:31 PM on June 8, 2013
You can not do this every time you remember the situation though. A lot of the time you'll need to just remind yourself that the situation is past and your grateful its over. Feel the relief. Move onto something else.
With more and more time between you and the bad period the memories will be less vivid and less frequent.
As far as feeling confidant, you'll need to decide what constitutes competence in your new position. Your personal view as well as the organization's view. Have some tolerance built in. A goof here & there doesn't render a person incompetent. If you have a super critical voice in your head let it know its not helping and dismiss it. Almost everybody has to exercise some control over our interior monologue sometimes because it can get contaminated by people like your former boss.
posted by logonym at 2:31 PM on June 8, 2013
From an anonymous commenter:
I'm you six months into the new job. My last "boss" was a nightmare - the title is in quotes because the department was in disarray and the nuances and complications of who was or was not actually my manager are too lengthy and bizarre to get into. Anywho - the person who caused most of my pain and suffering was a complete mismatch for my personality and talents and pretty destructive to my self-esteem etc.posted by restless_nomad at 3:48 PM on June 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Due to other reasons not having to do with this manager, I was recruited for a new position, accepted and I started 6 months ago.
Let me tell you that the relief was pretty immediate. My new manager (and I am absolutely sure of who it is now!) is a professional. Because of all that I had been through with my old position, while my new colleagues could express displeasure at the smallest things, I knew what was really out there and just felt plain old relief and calm with the straightforward nature of my new position and company. I mean no workplace is perfect but the difference between a manager who is a disaster and one who actually knows what they are doing is just so vast.
I started on my tippy toes, being very careful and beating myself up for small mistakes - mistakes no one even noticed. But within the first few weeks my confidence really got back up there. And I'll tell you that all negative thoughts and reactions filtered out pretty quickly. I got a new review that was much more along my own expectations and that pretty much wiped the slate clean, so to speak, on the past. I think you'll find that once the "toxic" person is out of the picture, you'll return to normal. And quickly.
Believe in yourself, keep the sight lines clear and this Mr./Ms. Moody will be a footnote in your life in no time.
It helps to have comebacks for the internal criticism you lob at yourself. OMG, X treated me like crap.
- Sometimes 2 people just don't click.
- X is a critical, insensitive jerk, but he's not my problem any more.
- I'm glad that's over. X, get out of my head.
- I handled X's bad behavior professionally, and I'm proud of myself.
Many people get help from meditation to deal with persistent bad thoughts.
posted by theora55 at 4:10 PM on June 8, 2013
- Sometimes 2 people just don't click.
- X is a critical, insensitive jerk, but he's not my problem any more.
- I'm glad that's over. X, get out of my head.
- I handled X's bad behavior professionally, and I'm proud of myself.
Many people get help from meditation to deal with persistent bad thoughts.
posted by theora55 at 4:10 PM on June 8, 2013
Get together with a few close friends for a celebratory "I'm free" dinner/drinks/thumb-twiddling contest/whatever.
posted by yohko at 7:14 PM on June 8, 2013
posted by yohko at 7:14 PM on June 8, 2013
Can you manage to take a decent chunk of time off between jobs? I once came off a really toxic job and gave myself a month before starting the new one, knowing I'd need some time to regain equilibrium. A few weeks of good self care, doing fun stuff, hanging out with people who valued me, and reading up on my new job field really helped wipe the slate clean.
posted by Stacey at 5:36 AM on June 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 5:36 AM on June 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
In my last job, I had the worst boss ever. What helped me was immediately moving from my old job to my new job (left old job Friday, reported to new job Monday morning). My new job was in a different industry and was incredibly demanding, leaving little to no time to think about my old job. In fact, at the start of my second week on my new job, I learned that my previous manager had left her job to "spend more time with family". It barely registered.
While I was working for The Worst Boss Ever, I read Working with you is Killing Me: Freeing Yourself From Emotional Traps at Work. I found my boss in there and it helped me understand the dynamic.
posted by elmay at 5:45 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
While I was working for The Worst Boss Ever, I read Working with you is Killing Me: Freeing Yourself From Emotional Traps at Work. I found my boss in there and it helped me understand the dynamic.
posted by elmay at 5:45 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
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posted by JohnR at 11:07 AM on June 8, 2013 [1 favorite]