Guardianship for sibling's hypothetical child; with complicating factors
December 21, 2015 5:58 AM Subscribe
My older sister, who is mid-thirties and single, has just asked me if she were to become pregnant via anonymous sperm donor, whether my husband and I would agree to be the child’s legal guardians were something to happen to her. She asked me this by text message; so far I have told her that I don’t think this is a conversation for text message and that we will see her in a few days over Christmas. She said she agrees and says she just wanted to give us a ‘heads-up’.
As always, there are complicating factors (see below). Please help me line up some phrases and good things to ask/say for the inevitable conservation we are going to have this week.
I am trying to separate out my feelings about what is ostensibly her actual question (about potential legal guardianship) from my feelings about her having a child; I am feminist and pro women making this kind of choice, but I have reservations about my sister’s emotional maturity. Oh yeah, and my husband and I are currently 4.5 months into expecting our own first baby.
For a multitude of reasons, including an abusive childhood, being at our parent’s house can already be difficult for me. I need advice on this situation because now I know this conversation is going to come up too. I recognize I may be feeling a little resentful that what she really wants is the attention away from my pregnancy, so I am trying to keep that out of it. (Normally I would discuss all this with my therapist, but I literally got this text at the end of my session today, and because of the holidays I won’t be seeing her again until the new year).
I have been in therapy for the past year or so to deal with the emotional, verbal and physical abuse I suffered as a child (as did my sister, and really has into adulthood) from our father, which usually happens when he’s been drinking. Our mother enables his behavior (most likely due to the abuse she suffered herself as a child). Anyway, I feel I have made considerable progress in understanding how this has affected my life, in recognizing and really feeling my emotions, and living my life on my own terms. I am feeling confident I’ll be able to set my boundaries with my father at Christmas this year and leave if the situation requires.
My sister and parents do not know I attend therapy. They have never done so themselves, and I see them all suffering. There is a whole long history here, which I won’t get into but which for me boils down to being treated over the years as a bit of a ‘black sheep’ for escaping from the family dynamic, and my sister going the other way and living very close to my parents, seeing them almost every day, trying to 'please' my father and him acting almost as a partner would (e.g. financial support). I have to say I sometimes find this weird, but it is their relationship and I try to stay out of it. She hasn’t really had any serious romantic relationships for over a decade. She doesn't have any close/'best' friends, though there is a small group she socialises with occasionally. She has also suffered from a chronic medical condition in the past, although she leads a fairly normal life work-wise now. She’s half-joked about using a sperm donor in the past, but I guess my pregnancy may have pushed her into thinking about it more seriously.
On the guardianship side, I found this old Ask Me about some questions to think about, which is quite useful. I don’t know if she has or will ask anyone else, I can’t think who else she would ask, and if we say no I can easily see this becoming ‘my fault’ that I won’t ‘let her’ have a child, and that I am ‘selfish’ (this accusation has been leveled at me by her and my parents before). Especially since my husband and I are a two-nationality family and may be moving to the other country in the future. So I worry about why she is doing this, and that my parents would end up helping looking after the child, or that they won’t and she/they are trying to pass that responsibility off onto me if she - what, dies? Gets sick again? On the other hand, I don’t see how her being a single parent should be any different to say, if my brother-in-law and his wife asked us this same question, which I think we would probably agree to.
My husband just can't quite believe what she has asked, as it appears out of the blue to him. So, what should I/we keep in mind as this all comes up this week?
I am trying to separate out my feelings about what is ostensibly her actual question (about potential legal guardianship) from my feelings about her having a child; I am feminist and pro women making this kind of choice, but I have reservations about my sister’s emotional maturity. Oh yeah, and my husband and I are currently 4.5 months into expecting our own first baby.
For a multitude of reasons, including an abusive childhood, being at our parent’s house can already be difficult for me. I need advice on this situation because now I know this conversation is going to come up too. I recognize I may be feeling a little resentful that what she really wants is the attention away from my pregnancy, so I am trying to keep that out of it. (Normally I would discuss all this with my therapist, but I literally got this text at the end of my session today, and because of the holidays I won’t be seeing her again until the new year).
I have been in therapy for the past year or so to deal with the emotional, verbal and physical abuse I suffered as a child (as did my sister, and really has into adulthood) from our father, which usually happens when he’s been drinking. Our mother enables his behavior (most likely due to the abuse she suffered herself as a child). Anyway, I feel I have made considerable progress in understanding how this has affected my life, in recognizing and really feeling my emotions, and living my life on my own terms. I am feeling confident I’ll be able to set my boundaries with my father at Christmas this year and leave if the situation requires.
My sister and parents do not know I attend therapy. They have never done so themselves, and I see them all suffering. There is a whole long history here, which I won’t get into but which for me boils down to being treated over the years as a bit of a ‘black sheep’ for escaping from the family dynamic, and my sister going the other way and living very close to my parents, seeing them almost every day, trying to 'please' my father and him acting almost as a partner would (e.g. financial support). I have to say I sometimes find this weird, but it is their relationship and I try to stay out of it. She hasn’t really had any serious romantic relationships for over a decade. She doesn't have any close/'best' friends, though there is a small group she socialises with occasionally. She has also suffered from a chronic medical condition in the past, although she leads a fairly normal life work-wise now. She’s half-joked about using a sperm donor in the past, but I guess my pregnancy may have pushed her into thinking about it more seriously.
On the guardianship side, I found this old Ask Me about some questions to think about, which is quite useful. I don’t know if she has or will ask anyone else, I can’t think who else she would ask, and if we say no I can easily see this becoming ‘my fault’ that I won’t ‘let her’ have a child, and that I am ‘selfish’ (this accusation has been leveled at me by her and my parents before). Especially since my husband and I are a two-nationality family and may be moving to the other country in the future. So I worry about why she is doing this, and that my parents would end up helping looking after the child, or that they won’t and she/they are trying to pass that responsibility off onto me if she - what, dies? Gets sick again? On the other hand, I don’t see how her being a single parent should be any different to say, if my brother-in-law and his wife asked us this same question, which I think we would probably agree to.
My husband just can't quite believe what she has asked, as it appears out of the blue to him. So, what should I/we keep in mind as this all comes up this week?
This sounds really stressful. I don't think you should agree to having the discussion during the already fraught holiday visit. I actually don't think you should agree to the whole arrangement, period, because you have worked so hard to set boundaries with this family. But tell her you have to have a dedicated meeting to talk about all this.
posted by BibiRose at 6:11 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 6:11 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
there are two separate things here. one is if whether you would take on your sister's child if she died and it's hard to see how the answer is anything other than "of course - that's what family is, why did you need to ask?"
the other is whether your sister should, in your opinion, have a child. that's a more complicated question. perhaps you start by asking if it's your place to make that call. and as someone who now has pretty minimal contact with a sister i admire, largely through being too judgemental, i would, personally, caution against saying anything there.
(given the other answers, i feel like there may be some cultural issues here. so if it's normal for you to ask permission from others before you have children then please ignore me).
posted by andrewcooke at 6:25 AM on December 21, 2015 [40 favorites]
the other is whether your sister should, in your opinion, have a child. that's a more complicated question. perhaps you start by asking if it's your place to make that call. and as someone who now has pretty minimal contact with a sister i admire, largely through being too judgemental, i would, personally, caution against saying anything there.
(given the other answers, i feel like there may be some cultural issues here. so if it's normal for you to ask permission from others before you have children then please ignore me).
posted by andrewcooke at 6:25 AM on December 21, 2015 [40 favorites]
My brother and sister-in-law asked this of my husband and me when they were pregnant with my nephew. Our answer was a knee-jerk "of course, yes, absolutely!" I think if that isn't your answer, you need to gently table this issue until if/when she gets pregnant.
posted by kimberussell at 6:28 AM on December 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by kimberussell at 6:28 AM on December 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
if we say no I can easily see this becoming ‘my fault’ that I won’t ‘let her’ have a child, and that I am ‘selfish’
First off, selfish is ok. You must put yourself first. Especially now, but throughout your life. Your own well-being comes first. That's selfish, and that's ok. Secondly, you're going to be blamed for things even if you say yes to this. If you're the family scapegoat, you'll be scapegoated. So don't say yes to avoid being blamed, it won't work.
But you and your husband are expecting a child. Even in the best of circumstances, this means you are creating a family of your own, and separating from your family of origin. In healthy families, this happens organically. Yours is not a healthy family, so it's on you to actively create boundaries as your new family's needs change. Your sister has unwittingly helped you here, by crossing a boundary you hadn't thought to set yet.
If you don't want to do this - or if you don't know yet whether you'd want to do it - you are well within your rights to say "we're expecting a baby and have no idea what our own family's needs will be, so we can't even consider committing to bring up a hypothetical child. Of course we'll love any child you might have though."
And that's not just an excuse. You don't know what your family's needs will be. Your baby could have health issues. Your sonograms might not be showing that twin hiding behind baby #1. You and your husband may decide on career changes that impact your finances. You might find that being responsible for your child's well-being strengthens your resolve with regard to your family of origin. Who knows? But you need the freedom to make decisions for your family independent of someone else's family.
posted by headnsouth at 6:28 AM on December 21, 2015 [9 favorites]
First off, selfish is ok. You must put yourself first. Especially now, but throughout your life. Your own well-being comes first. That's selfish, and that's ok. Secondly, you're going to be blamed for things even if you say yes to this. If you're the family scapegoat, you'll be scapegoated. So don't say yes to avoid being blamed, it won't work.
But you and your husband are expecting a child. Even in the best of circumstances, this means you are creating a family of your own, and separating from your family of origin. In healthy families, this happens organically. Yours is not a healthy family, so it's on you to actively create boundaries as your new family's needs change. Your sister has unwittingly helped you here, by crossing a boundary you hadn't thought to set yet.
If you don't want to do this - or if you don't know yet whether you'd want to do it - you are well within your rights to say "we're expecting a baby and have no idea what our own family's needs will be, so we can't even consider committing to bring up a hypothetical child. Of course we'll love any child you might have though."
And that's not just an excuse. You don't know what your family's needs will be. Your baby could have health issues. Your sonograms might not be showing that twin hiding behind baby #1. You and your husband may decide on career changes that impact your finances. You might find that being responsible for your child's well-being strengthens your resolve with regard to your family of origin. Who knows? But you need the freedom to make decisions for your family independent of someone else's family.
posted by headnsouth at 6:28 AM on December 21, 2015 [9 favorites]
There's a lot going on here, but none of it has anything to do with your future niece or nephew. I think your sister texted you this question because it didn't occur to her you'd say anything but yes.
My sister and I have had our ups and downs. However, if something happened to her and her husband, I can't imagine doing anything other than whatever my nephew needed.
Surely you and your husband have designated guardians for your child if something were to happen to you. Right? His did you chose that person? Was it a fraught conversation?
I think you can make this into a thing... but really I think you should just say yes. Move beyond your suffering and pain and think about a kid who might need you someday.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:29 AM on December 21, 2015 [19 favorites]
My sister and I have had our ups and downs. However, if something happened to her and her husband, I can't imagine doing anything other than whatever my nephew needed.
Surely you and your husband have designated guardians for your child if something were to happen to you. Right? His did you chose that person? Was it a fraught conversation?
I think you can make this into a thing... but really I think you should just say yes. Move beyond your suffering and pain and think about a kid who might need you someday.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:29 AM on December 21, 2015 [19 favorites]
If you aren't ready, then tell her over Christmas this is a big responsibility and you want to think about it more before answering her. This is an important issue and you shouldn't give her an answer merely because you are feeling pressure. If my wife and I die, I don't want my kids to be raised by a person who said "yes" to us, but who will actually resent the hell out of them and the whole situation.
That said, I'm not sure the issue of possible guardianship needs to be so intertwined with all the other issues in your family. You aren't being asked whether you approve of your father or your sister's relationship with him. The real thing to consider is whether you will agree to raise a future child she might have if your sister dies. If you say yes, she would eventually put that in her will, assuming she gets pregnant. If you say no, she can ask someone else. It is a little odd for someone to ask before she gets pregnant, but maybe as a potential single mother she feels like she needs to get things like this lined up in advance.
You phrase this as her trying to "pass that responsibility off" onto you, but you are being asked whether you will voluntarily assume a responsibility. I don't get the "pass off" part unless you think this is inherently your parents' responsibility. Given who your parents are, maybe it is a good sign that she doesn't have them in mind. Whatever you decide, consider that in a way this is a big compliment. Perhaps your sister recognizes that as the one who got out, you are stable and responsible and able to provide a secure and loving home.
As for her ability to raise a child, that's a tough one. People get so defensive if they are challenged on something like that. If you try to get into it at all, which you don't have to because it is her decision, I would focus on asking her questions about whatever she has done in the way of practical thinking. I'm sure you and your husband are thinking about daycare, work, feeding, parental leave, where the baby will sleep, etc. Maybe you could discuss those things, which is pretty natural, and then sometimes ask in a non-confrontational way what thought she's given to those arrangements?
posted by Area Man at 6:37 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
That said, I'm not sure the issue of possible guardianship needs to be so intertwined with all the other issues in your family. You aren't being asked whether you approve of your father or your sister's relationship with him. The real thing to consider is whether you will agree to raise a future child she might have if your sister dies. If you say yes, she would eventually put that in her will, assuming she gets pregnant. If you say no, she can ask someone else. It is a little odd for someone to ask before she gets pregnant, but maybe as a potential single mother she feels like she needs to get things like this lined up in advance.
You phrase this as her trying to "pass that responsibility off" onto you, but you are being asked whether you will voluntarily assume a responsibility. I don't get the "pass off" part unless you think this is inherently your parents' responsibility. Given who your parents are, maybe it is a good sign that she doesn't have them in mind. Whatever you decide, consider that in a way this is a big compliment. Perhaps your sister recognizes that as the one who got out, you are stable and responsible and able to provide a secure and loving home.
As for her ability to raise a child, that's a tough one. People get so defensive if they are challenged on something like that. If you try to get into it at all, which you don't have to because it is her decision, I would focus on asking her questions about whatever she has done in the way of practical thinking. I'm sure you and your husband are thinking about daycare, work, feeding, parental leave, where the baby will sleep, etc. Maybe you could discuss those things, which is pretty natural, and then sometimes ask in a non-confrontational way what thought she's given to those arrangements?
posted by Area Man at 6:37 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
If, in the extremely small possibility that your sister died, whether or not you thought she should have had the kid in the first place (which is really her decision and not yours), the question is, would you be willing to take care of this related child who would need you in that situation?
We asked one of my husband's sisters over the other as this one had a child closer in age to ours while the other was having a grandbaby. My own sibling is very much still living a life of a single adult. This is all fine. But the question for us, as parents, was who would we want to raise our child in the very small chance that we both die before the child is of age. So we looked at all of our possible friends and family and made the best choice we could.
Your sister is probably doing the same thing. She sees you with a child on the way, who would be relatively close in age to her potential child. She might see other aspects about your life that make her feel safe in entrusting you with her potential child. I think this was a compliment, really.
posted by jillithd at 6:41 AM on December 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
We asked one of my husband's sisters over the other as this one had a child closer in age to ours while the other was having a grandbaby. My own sibling is very much still living a life of a single adult. This is all fine. But the question for us, as parents, was who would we want to raise our child in the very small chance that we both die before the child is of age. So we looked at all of our possible friends and family and made the best choice we could.
Your sister is probably doing the same thing. She sees you with a child on the way, who would be relatively close in age to her potential child. She might see other aspects about your life that make her feel safe in entrusting you with her potential child. I think this was a compliment, really.
posted by jillithd at 6:41 AM on December 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
I'm sorry but I'm baffled that you are asking this question within the framework you're placing it. Your sister is not asking for your permission to conceive a child, or for your approval of her timing. Those are not your decisions, you have no control over them, and you should not offer an opinion on them whatever your feelings may be.
So, let us look to the future and attend to the actual question: you sister has a child. Your sister dies. Will you or will you not care for this parent-less child?
I cannot imagine the answer will be "No, because we don't think your mother should have conceived you in the first place" or "No, because your mother announced she was thinking about conceiving you the same Christmas I was pregnant and I'm still pissed off about that."
So you might wish to work from the framework of "Yes, of course, and we're honoured to be asked." And then deal with the practicalities, which are almost always financial and almost always addressed by sufficient life insurance.
Alternatively, you can work from the framework of "We are so honoured to be asked, but because we are planning to move internationally, we can't. How else can we help you?"
posted by DarlingBri at 6:43 AM on December 21, 2015 [77 favorites]
So, let us look to the future and attend to the actual question: you sister has a child. Your sister dies. Will you or will you not care for this parent-less child?
I cannot imagine the answer will be "No, because we don't think your mother should have conceived you in the first place" or "No, because your mother announced she was thinking about conceiving you the same Christmas I was pregnant and I'm still pissed off about that."
So you might wish to work from the framework of "Yes, of course, and we're honoured to be asked." And then deal with the practicalities, which are almost always financial and almost always addressed by sufficient life insurance.
Alternatively, you can work from the framework of "We are so honoured to be asked, but because we are planning to move internationally, we can't. How else can we help you?"
posted by DarlingBri at 6:43 AM on December 21, 2015 [77 favorites]
Your pregnancy isn't about getting attention. Her thinking through a really serious issue for someone deciding to become a single parent shouldn't be about getting attention. Nor, however, does it open the door for you to decide what she should do.
None of the stuff about your parents has any relevance to the actual issue here. If any Of you are having kids in order to feel more special, that's crazy talk. Let her have her discussion! It's better than everyone commenting on the gory details of your birth plan!
From a very dysfunctional family of origin background I say to you: decide who you want to be to your future niece or nephew and do that. Everything else is just Christmas.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:53 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
None of the stuff about your parents has any relevance to the actual issue here. If any Of you are having kids in order to feel more special, that's crazy talk. Let her have her discussion! It's better than everyone commenting on the gory details of your birth plan!
From a very dysfunctional family of origin background I say to you: decide who you want to be to your future niece or nephew and do that. Everything else is just Christmas.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:53 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would actually go the other way, agree to be the guardian in a quick conversation and move on. I think drawing it out and spending so much time and energy on a hypothetical is not healthy for you or your relationship with your family.
In order for you to be the guardian of her child several things must happen:
1. She can afford the necessary medical treatment
2. The treatment is successful and she becomes pregnant
3. The pregnancy is healthy
4. She gives birth and the child is healthy
4. She does not pair up with any one else at any time over the next decade+
5. She doesn't designate anyone else to be the legal guardian at some point over the ensuing years
6. You don't decline the responsibility or it becomes logistically unfeasible for you to have the role
7. She dies while the child is a minor
That is a lot of things aligning all at once, don't you think? This is obviously a huge trigger for you you, but your reaction does seem to be more about things other than the initial question. So I would sidestep escalating the situation right now, say yes and move on to processing it later with your therapist. Just because you say yes right now doesn't mean you are beholden forever and a day to be this hypothetical child's legal guardian.
posted by saucysault at 6:54 AM on December 21, 2015 [28 favorites]
In order for you to be the guardian of her child several things must happen:
1. She can afford the necessary medical treatment
2. The treatment is successful and she becomes pregnant
3. The pregnancy is healthy
4. She gives birth and the child is healthy
4. She does not pair up with any one else at any time over the next decade+
5. She doesn't designate anyone else to be the legal guardian at some point over the ensuing years
6. You don't decline the responsibility or it becomes logistically unfeasible for you to have the role
7. She dies while the child is a minor
That is a lot of things aligning all at once, don't you think? This is obviously a huge trigger for you you, but your reaction does seem to be more about things other than the initial question. So I would sidestep escalating the situation right now, say yes and move on to processing it later with your therapist. Just because you say yes right now doesn't mean you are beholden forever and a day to be this hypothetical child's legal guardian.
posted by saucysault at 6:54 AM on December 21, 2015 [28 favorites]
I don't think this has anything to do with your family history or your concerns about your sister's maturity. She's just preparing for the unlikely, but possible, scenario of her untimely death. This is a very sensible thing to do; too often people don't make these plans in advance and it's a mess. If it happened, you taking the child wouldn't stop you from maintaining the healthy boundaries you have established with your family. You would be the legal guardian and would make the choices as you do for your own child.
I feel like this is so hypothetical that the only answer can be "of course, we'd be honoured". Because really, what's the alternative, we are talking about a parentless child you are related to? You can't make decisions about sibling's parenting choices, that's not your place. But giving a home to a parentless child is something people step up to do if needed and I don't doubt it's super hard but I'm sure you would manage; just encourage your sister to make suitable financial arrangements.
I don't have children myself but as a very young adult i was the potential guardian for a younger sibling and that would have been an incredible burden but even at that age I knew I would step up. And I'm 3rd in line for my bff's kids (assuming a disaster wiping out the rest of her immediate family) and yeah, I don't particularly want to raise two children but of course I would because what's the alternative, foster care?
posted by kitten magic at 6:59 AM on December 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
I feel like this is so hypothetical that the only answer can be "of course, we'd be honoured". Because really, what's the alternative, we are talking about a parentless child you are related to? You can't make decisions about sibling's parenting choices, that's not your place. But giving a home to a parentless child is something people step up to do if needed and I don't doubt it's super hard but I'm sure you would manage; just encourage your sister to make suitable financial arrangements.
I don't have children myself but as a very young adult i was the potential guardian for a younger sibling and that would have been an incredible burden but even at that age I knew I would step up. And I'm 3rd in line for my bff's kids (assuming a disaster wiping out the rest of her immediate family) and yeah, I don't particularly want to raise two children but of course I would because what's the alternative, foster care?
posted by kitten magic at 6:59 AM on December 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Your sister is going to move ahead with this plan or not, and succeed with it or not, depending on a huge variety of factors that, I have to think, have almost nothing to do with whether or not you agree to be a guardian. I would suggest that you table this discussion until after the holidays (which is really just a polite fiction for "until after you can talk with your therapist") and then revisit.
Your therapist can guide you better than we can on how you might healthily tackle this question once you do have a little breathing room. But I think you're on the right track trying to tease out the variety of complicated, mixed-up things that are bothering you about this scenario. I think, at its very core, this is about a future scenario where there is a child related to you who needs a home. Maybe because they're orphaned, or maybe because their parent can no longer care for them for medical reasons. Those are very different scenarios and both worth talking out with your therapist. Maybe you agree to one, but not the other. Or both. Or neither. It's okay, either way - you are allowed to put yourself and your chosen family ahead of your blood family when your blood family is not healthy for you.
posted by Stacey at 7:04 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Your therapist can guide you better than we can on how you might healthily tackle this question once you do have a little breathing room. But I think you're on the right track trying to tease out the variety of complicated, mixed-up things that are bothering you about this scenario. I think, at its very core, this is about a future scenario where there is a child related to you who needs a home. Maybe because they're orphaned, or maybe because their parent can no longer care for them for medical reasons. Those are very different scenarios and both worth talking out with your therapist. Maybe you agree to one, but not the other. Or both. Or neither. It's okay, either way - you are allowed to put yourself and your chosen family ahead of your blood family when your blood family is not healthy for you.
posted by Stacey at 7:04 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
And the child won't be a minor forever, the guardianship possibility will expire. The sibling I was potential guardian for is now all grown up and now designated guardian of my cats, executor of my will etc. Your future niece/nephew could well be an amazing support for your child in future years.
posted by kitten magic at 7:04 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by kitten magic at 7:04 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Even though these decisions seem huge and complicated when you are young and have small children, or are planning to, they ultimately resolve to the same level of who becomes your beneficiary on your life insurance policy. It's all just basic family planning, just details, so try to leave the backstory out of it.
"Yes, of course we will!" ends this conversation without any drama and you can move on to getting through another family Christmas.
posted by raisingsand at 7:16 AM on December 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
"Yes, of course we will!" ends this conversation without any drama and you can move on to getting through another family Christmas.
posted by raisingsand at 7:16 AM on December 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
No one has mentioned another elephant in the room: you choosing someone else besides your sister to be the guardian of your offspring if the unthinkable happens to you and your husband. Think through whether this request is a roundabout bid from your sister for reciprocity and what that means... including that she'd like to be closer, adjudged worthy of such an important responsibility by you and/or simply wants to put your parents on notice that they won't be tapped for the job. Regardless, you need to be prepared for this dynamic before you have the conversation.
Given that you are a two nationality family, the easiest way out in the short run (if you haven't chosen someone yet yourselves) is to tell her "one of our big considerations is how to ensure that [offspring] grows up with a sense of both of our cultures."
posted by carmicha at 7:27 AM on December 21, 2015 [9 favorites]
Given that you are a two nationality family, the easiest way out in the short run (if you haven't chosen someone yet yourselves) is to tell her "one of our big considerations is how to ensure that [offspring] grows up with a sense of both of our cultures."
posted by carmicha at 7:27 AM on December 21, 2015 [9 favorites]
Would you be unwilling/unable to care for an orphaned niece/nephew? If yes, tell her so and politely decline her request. If no, tell her that you will do it, and ask for her to up her life insurance.
I don't see the relevance of your therapy, etc. to your question.
posted by deadweightloss at 7:28 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I don't see the relevance of your therapy, etc. to your question.
posted by deadweightloss at 7:28 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm with a lot of the above posters in that so much of the detail of the question is irrelevant. I also agree the answer should be, "certainly, if you decide to have a child and something happens to you, we'll be there for your child." I'd suck all the drama out of it and make it as boring a discussion as possible. Then watch how fast it all dies down.
Then if and when she gets pregnant, you can discuss your expectations for making appropriate financial and legal arrangements for a potential guardianship.
Right now this is WAY too hypothetical to be remotely concerned about.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:48 AM on December 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
Then if and when she gets pregnant, you can discuss your expectations for making appropriate financial and legal arrangements for a potential guardianship.
Right now this is WAY too hypothetical to be remotely concerned about.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:48 AM on December 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
If you're really unsure that you'd be there for her kid if something happened to her, that seems to be the kind of information she's looking for as she makes this decision. She's trying to get a sense of if her kid will have any safety without her, with the subtext of your abusive parents. On the one hand "Of course!" seems like the natural answer, but if youre this uncertain I think she needs to know that.
posted by bleep at 8:05 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by bleep at 8:05 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think for me the big question would be if she has an expectation of your involvement in her life before you might be needed as a guardian to this planned child.
So this would be what I would try to specifically clarify with her - is she solely looking to you and your husband to take in the child in the case she dies or becomes incapacitated while the child is a minor? Or, is there a "hidden agenda" on her mind: namely that you support her from now on in attempts to conceive, during pregnancy, at birth, etc emotionally, financially, etc in place of a partner, before the hypothetical need for a guardianship for the child arises.
These are two very different commitments, and as I am from a dysfunctinal family myself I can understand being suspicious.
Personally, I would say that as you may be moving abroad it would not be feasable. But this is because I would be afraid of the hidden agenda (a la you are this child's guardian and so you need to support me) she might have.
posted by 15L06 at 8:13 AM on December 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
So this would be what I would try to specifically clarify with her - is she solely looking to you and your husband to take in the child in the case she dies or becomes incapacitated while the child is a minor? Or, is there a "hidden agenda" on her mind: namely that you support her from now on in attempts to conceive, during pregnancy, at birth, etc emotionally, financially, etc in place of a partner, before the hypothetical need for a guardianship for the child arises.
These are two very different commitments, and as I am from a dysfunctinal family myself I can understand being suspicious.
Personally, I would say that as you may be moving abroad it would not be feasable. But this is because I would be afraid of the hidden agenda (a la you are this child's guardian and so you need to support me) she might have.
posted by 15L06 at 8:13 AM on December 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
Who would your sister ask if not you?
In fact, who are you and your partner planning on asking for your child?
These are questions that parents wrestle with. Asking is showing an enormous amount of trust in the person being asked, and you'll have to find yourself showing that level of trust in someone as well.
That said, there's no need to even talk about this at the holidays. If your sister is going to have a child, give her your blessing or not as you are inclined and tell her any further discussion can happen when child in potentia actually exists.
posted by zizzle at 8:15 AM on December 21, 2015
In fact, who are you and your partner planning on asking for your child?
These are questions that parents wrestle with. Asking is showing an enormous amount of trust in the person being asked, and you'll have to find yourself showing that level of trust in someone as well.
That said, there's no need to even talk about this at the holidays. If your sister is going to have a child, give her your blessing or not as you are inclined and tell her any further discussion can happen when child in potentia actually exists.
posted by zizzle at 8:15 AM on December 21, 2015
My sibling who was single said "no" when I asked if he'd be the guardian of my already born and easy going eight year old. And I would have been leaving him enough money from 401ks to pay for all of the kid's expenses. His answer didn't make me all happy, but at the hypothetical level, it's okay to say no. (I have a raft of in-laws, so there were other options.)
If I were in your shoes in this situation with a hypothetical future niece of nephew, I'd want to tell sister "Ask me again in a year when I know more about what parenting is like."
And not discussing major family decisions while feeling stressed and unhappy at your parents house is a legit boundary to make. You can insist on going out to a coffee shop or a more private place. If you don't want to say "Talk to me in a year" you can say "Let's talk in two weeks when the holidays are over and everything is calmer."
posted by puddledork at 8:19 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
If I were in your shoes in this situation with a hypothetical future niece of nephew, I'd want to tell sister "Ask me again in a year when I know more about what parenting is like."
And not discussing major family decisions while feeling stressed and unhappy at your parents house is a legit boundary to make. You can insist on going out to a coffee shop or a more private place. If you don't want to say "Talk to me in a year" you can say "Let's talk in two weeks when the holidays are over and everything is calmer."
posted by puddledork at 8:19 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think as part of this conversation you could say something along the lines that while of course you would want to support her child in the (very unlikely) event that she passes away, you do need to let her know that there's a strong possibility you will be moving abroad, and that this could complicate things in various ways. Most importantly, I'm not sure what the immigration status would be of an orphaned child moving to live with relatives -- I'm sure this depends on the country. And for the child, it would obviously be a huge burden to lose your parent and then suddenly be forced to also lose your entire country, where the possibility of citizenship could be questionable! So I might talk through these eventualities with her, and say that while of course you would want to take her child in, the practicalities of the situation in the future may mean that someone else is a better choice, but that you'd be happy to cross that bridge and discuss this further if/when there is an actual child and if/when you actually leave the country.
Also -- I would try as hard as possible to give your sister some space and gentleness around your own pregnancy. Speaking as someone who does not have kids and really, really wants kids, it can be very hard to be around the (wonderful and lovely!) pregnant folks in my life, depending on the situation and the day. Obviously this is not their fault or responsibility -- it is 100% my thing to own and deal with. But, even if there is an element here of attention seeking or what-have-you...you know, at the end of the day, you're the one who gets to end up with the child you want to have, and she's the one who is alone and childless (and not happy about that situation). So -- if you can find it in your heart to be gentle and kind here, I think that is a good thing. I would imagine that she also may be hurt that you guys have not asked her to be the guardian for your child -- which given the circumstances, sounds like absolutely the right choice, but also does not mean that it may not sting a bit.
Finally, it is 100% NOT your business to decide whether your sister is ready to have kids. Just don't go there.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:19 AM on December 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Also -- I would try as hard as possible to give your sister some space and gentleness around your own pregnancy. Speaking as someone who does not have kids and really, really wants kids, it can be very hard to be around the (wonderful and lovely!) pregnant folks in my life, depending on the situation and the day. Obviously this is not their fault or responsibility -- it is 100% my thing to own and deal with. But, even if there is an element here of attention seeking or what-have-you...you know, at the end of the day, you're the one who gets to end up with the child you want to have, and she's the one who is alone and childless (and not happy about that situation). So -- if you can find it in your heart to be gentle and kind here, I think that is a good thing. I would imagine that she also may be hurt that you guys have not asked her to be the guardian for your child -- which given the circumstances, sounds like absolutely the right choice, but also does not mean that it may not sting a bit.
Finally, it is 100% NOT your business to decide whether your sister is ready to have kids. Just don't go there.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:19 AM on December 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
what she really wants is the attention away from my pregnancy
Holy crap, what? You really think there's a chance in hell that a mid 30's single woman is making the difficult decision to be a single mom (one of the hardest things in the world -- socially, financially, professionally, spiritually) and create a person who she'll care for, for the rest of her life, because she wants attention from your pregnancy? Stunned.
The question she's asking is, if your sister were to die, and her baby were motherless, would you step up and take care of the child so that it didn't end up in an adoptive or foster family.
Is that honestly something you could say no to? I wouldn't answer "no" to this question unless there's another feasible person in the world who could do that, where you could say, "We would, of course, but we're poor, so we can't give your child the best life in the case something god forbid happened to you. Have you thought about Person X?", where Person X is someone who is essentially a sister or brother, and has more resources than you do. Otherwise, if there's no Person X, and you could reasonable give a child a better life than a foster family, I don't know how you could say no to this.
The reason she asked you over text, I imagine, is that guardianship is one relatively minor decision (because of its low probability) among the gazillion important and very present decisions involved in becoming a single mother. How will she pay for and care for it? How will she support herself and it? Etc. She probably didn't think of this one question as taking up 80% of the pie chart of what's important in bringing a child into the world. It's one of 100 things. So that's why she didn't stop her day and ask you verbally. She probably also assumed you'll just say yes.
posted by omg_parrots at 8:20 AM on December 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
Holy crap, what? You really think there's a chance in hell that a mid 30's single woman is making the difficult decision to be a single mom (one of the hardest things in the world -- socially, financially, professionally, spiritually) and create a person who she'll care for, for the rest of her life, because she wants attention from your pregnancy? Stunned.
The question she's asking is, if your sister were to die, and her baby were motherless, would you step up and take care of the child so that it didn't end up in an adoptive or foster family.
Is that honestly something you could say no to? I wouldn't answer "no" to this question unless there's another feasible person in the world who could do that, where you could say, "We would, of course, but we're poor, so we can't give your child the best life in the case something god forbid happened to you. Have you thought about Person X?", where Person X is someone who is essentially a sister or brother, and has more resources than you do. Otherwise, if there's no Person X, and you could reasonable give a child a better life than a foster family, I don't know how you could say no to this.
The reason she asked you over text, I imagine, is that guardianship is one relatively minor decision (because of its low probability) among the gazillion important and very present decisions involved in becoming a single mother. How will she pay for and care for it? How will she support herself and it? Etc. She probably didn't think of this one question as taking up 80% of the pie chart of what's important in bringing a child into the world. It's one of 100 things. So that's why she didn't stop her day and ask you verbally. She probably also assumed you'll just say yes.
posted by omg_parrots at 8:20 AM on December 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
If she is your only sister, and she hadn't asked you this question, and she had a baby, and then she died, would you care for the baby? Because basically you'd be next of kin, so the state would look to you first anyway, unless she made other arrangements.
It seems to me that you think her question is actually about something else, and that it's bringing up a lot of feelings for you. Which sounds like something you should address with your therapist. Does she often try to steal your spotlight? Do you feel like your pregnancy hasn't gotten the attention/excitement it deserves? Something else?
posted by dpx.mfx at 8:30 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
It seems to me that you think her question is actually about something else, and that it's bringing up a lot of feelings for you. Which sounds like something you should address with your therapist. Does she often try to steal your spotlight? Do you feel like your pregnancy hasn't gotten the attention/excitement it deserves? Something else?
posted by dpx.mfx at 8:30 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
You're being set up! Don't take the bait!!
Hon. You are being set up for a TON of Christmas drama. I'm sure this is a pattern. I'm sure you know what I am talking about. Why are you (again) walking into a trap? Why are you agreeing to have arguments and drama over the holidays? While you are pregnant??
The tip off is that she approached you over text message. I think you and your husband should make alternate plans. Your sister won't be put off by stock phrases. I think you know this.
Refuse to engage and notify your sister beforehand this topic is off limits during the holidays (do it nicely, via emai or phone call!) or make up an excuse and skip the holiday.
You can not win this. My advice is to avoid engaging.
posted by jbenben at 8:41 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hon. You are being set up for a TON of Christmas drama. I'm sure this is a pattern. I'm sure you know what I am talking about. Why are you (again) walking into a trap? Why are you agreeing to have arguments and drama over the holidays? While you are pregnant??
The tip off is that she approached you over text message. I think you and your husband should make alternate plans. Your sister won't be put off by stock phrases. I think you know this.
Refuse to engage and notify your sister beforehand this topic is off limits during the holidays (do it nicely, via emai or phone call!) or make up an excuse and skip the holiday.
You can not win this. My advice is to avoid engaging.
posted by jbenben at 8:41 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
There's A LOT going on with your family and in this thread you should not take personally. Getting frothed up won't help you. More on that below.
This comment by puddledork is excellent advice: "If I were in your shoes in this situation with a hypothetical future niece of nephew, I'd want to tell sister "Ask me again in a year when I know more about what parenting is like."
And not discussing major family decisions while feeling stressed and unhappy at your parents house is a legit boundary to make. You can insist on going out to a coffee shop or a more private place. If you don't want to say "Talk to me in a year" you can say "Let's talk in two weeks when the holidays are over and everything is calmer."
posted by puddledork at 8:19 AM on December 21"
Not sure why there is a bit of a pile on saying you're being unkind. Buying into that mindset is exactly how you get into trouble with a dysfunctional family dynamic. If you could come up with a plausible enough excuse, I think you should not show up, just don't act in the family drama this year. If you must go, puddledork has your answer.
posted by jbenben at 9:08 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
This comment by puddledork is excellent advice: "If I were in your shoes in this situation with a hypothetical future niece of nephew, I'd want to tell sister "Ask me again in a year when I know more about what parenting is like."
And not discussing major family decisions while feeling stressed and unhappy at your parents house is a legit boundary to make. You can insist on going out to a coffee shop or a more private place. If you don't want to say "Talk to me in a year" you can say "Let's talk in two weeks when the holidays are over and everything is calmer."
posted by puddledork at 8:19 AM on December 21"
Not sure why there is a bit of a pile on saying you're being unkind. Buying into that mindset is exactly how you get into trouble with a dysfunctional family dynamic. If you could come up with a plausible enough excuse, I think you should not show up, just don't act in the family drama this year. If you must go, puddledork has your answer.
posted by jbenben at 9:08 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Just say yes.
Your sister has dedicated her life to caring for her abusive father. She has not dated. She will never have children of her own. She is seeing how you have moved into the life that she wishes that she had the courage for. She is looking at all these fun facts at Christmastime, as the man that she has dedicated her life to is getting older, and will someday not be able to give her someone to spend Christmas with. She is lost and lonely and reaching out for a nice thought to get her through another week. She may not go through with it. Just the fantasy might be all the crutch that she needs right now. Give her the fantasy. Even if she goes through with it, it might not work. You aren't really promising anything, except to do the right thing if the wrong thing happens, which you would most likely do anyway, as you are a good and enlightened person. Just say yes. And then look for ways that you can support your sister in broadening her life. Encourage her to take evening classes at the local community college. Encourage her to join a church. Join her on Pinterest and help her to find a hobby. Her life is very narrow right now. It isn't your problem or your responsibility but, if you can help her to broaden it without using an innocent baby to do it, then please, for the imaginary baby's sake, help her broaden her life.
posted by myselfasme at 9:22 AM on December 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Your sister has dedicated her life to caring for her abusive father. She has not dated. She will never have children of her own. She is seeing how you have moved into the life that she wishes that she had the courage for. She is looking at all these fun facts at Christmastime, as the man that she has dedicated her life to is getting older, and will someday not be able to give her someone to spend Christmas with. She is lost and lonely and reaching out for a nice thought to get her through another week. She may not go through with it. Just the fantasy might be all the crutch that she needs right now. Give her the fantasy. Even if she goes through with it, it might not work. You aren't really promising anything, except to do the right thing if the wrong thing happens, which you would most likely do anyway, as you are a good and enlightened person. Just say yes. And then look for ways that you can support your sister in broadening her life. Encourage her to take evening classes at the local community college. Encourage her to join a church. Join her on Pinterest and help her to find a hobby. Her life is very narrow right now. It isn't your problem or your responsibility but, if you can help her to broaden it without using an innocent baby to do it, then please, for the imaginary baby's sake, help her broaden her life.
posted by myselfasme at 9:22 AM on December 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
You have only one leg to stand on, and it's the moving abroad thing.
Please don't finger-wag. We get it, your sister's a mess. She shouldn't have a kid in your opinion. Tough shit. Not your decision. Would be wrong of you to scold her about it.
Only correct response here is GENUINE "oh I'm happy for you! We would of course love to be guardian. BUT...moving abroad. Have you thought about this? And I am worried for you because of X (money, dad, blah blah blah.) Of course it's your decision and we will support your choice." GENUINE. Sweet, nice tone of voice. Real sisterly feeling.
Save the negativity and bite your tongue otherwise. You know this, I think, on some level.
posted by quincunx at 10:34 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Please don't finger-wag. We get it, your sister's a mess. She shouldn't have a kid in your opinion. Tough shit. Not your decision. Would be wrong of you to scold her about it.
Only correct response here is GENUINE "oh I'm happy for you! We would of course love to be guardian. BUT...moving abroad. Have you thought about this? And I am worried for you because of X (money, dad, blah blah blah.) Of course it's your decision and we will support your choice." GENUINE. Sweet, nice tone of voice. Real sisterly feeling.
Save the negativity and bite your tongue otherwise. You know this, I think, on some level.
posted by quincunx at 10:34 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
The easiest, least dramatic thing is to say yes. She AND the child's father would have to die before anybody needs to step in as guardian. Also, you can change your mind later.
Say you will do it, and that you all can talk about the particulars after the child is born. Don't put anything in writine -- not that she's got it together enough to have a statement prepared.
posted by wryly at 11:06 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Say you will do it, and that you all can talk about the particulars after the child is born. Don't put anything in writine -- not that she's got it together enough to have a statement prepared.
posted by wryly at 11:06 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is an enormous responsibility and you're right to be concerned.
It's not as simple as some posters are making it, either. You have to think about your own family first. Please don't be steamrolled by sentimentality into agreeing to something you don't want to do.
posted by winna at 12:42 PM on December 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
It's not as simple as some posters are making it, either. You have to think about your own family first. Please don't be steamrolled by sentimentality into agreeing to something you don't want to do.
posted by winna at 12:42 PM on December 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Just say yes. If your sister DID have a baby (giant "if"), and then died during the kid's minority (even bigger "if"), would you really refuse to take the orphaned kid and throw it to the foster system instead? No? Then just say you'd take the kid in that event. It doesn't make you the (totally theoretical) kid's guardian unless she dies during the kid's minority.
As far as the moving abroad thing goes, you can just tell her that too, that if she wants to name you the kid's guardian in the event of her death she should notify the lawyer drawing up the will that you might be living abroad and she can have her own discussion with her own counsel about what the implications of that might be.
As for this: I worry about why she is doing this didn't you answer it here? She doesn't have any close/'best' friends. Naming a sibling as the guardian of one's kid in the event of one's own death is the standard thing to do, all the more so if there are no close friends who'd be a better option. (Or are you wondering why she doesn't name your parent? Maybe she thinks you'd do a better job, just like you do.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:23 PM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
As far as the moving abroad thing goes, you can just tell her that too, that if she wants to name you the kid's guardian in the event of her death she should notify the lawyer drawing up the will that you might be living abroad and she can have her own discussion with her own counsel about what the implications of that might be.
As for this: I worry about why she is doing this didn't you answer it here? She doesn't have any close/'best' friends. Naming a sibling as the guardian of one's kid in the event of one's own death is the standard thing to do, all the more so if there are no close friends who'd be a better option. (Or are you wondering why she doesn't name your parent? Maybe she thinks you'd do a better job, just like you do.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:23 PM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Dear OP, my husband and I became the legal guardians of my half-sisters (they are my sisters, dammit, but anyway....) when they were 12 and 13 years old. I am here to tell you that was a really bad idea but I did it because I loved them deeply, my dad was/is a fuck-up and their mom was incapable (literally) of raising them alone. My dad came to me and asked me to take them and I did. I had been expecting this to happen since they were born. TL;DR: It's a big deal to accept this responsibility. My advice is to A. Attend Al-Anon meetings if you don't already. Because you will learn additional skills, and it's a great complement to therapy. In Al-Anon you learn things like, "Don't just do something, sit there!" You learn to become aware of an issue, accept that you can't change the issue in that moment (or for awhile, perhaps), and then take action when (and only when) you actually need to.
You learn that an issue that may be urgent for someone else doesn't have to be urgent for you. My maddening ex-stepmom once called to yell about my dad and demand that I make him do something. And I could say, thanks to Al-Anon, "I can tell that you are really upset about my dad's behaviour. But it's not my job to make him do X."
The fact that your sister wants to talk about this over Christmas doesn't mean that it has to be a thing. She can insist that it's a thing but you can decline to do that dance with her by setting the boundary that others have suggested. Something like, "It's an honour to be asked, but honestly, it's not possible for me and hubby to think about anything but my pregnancy at the moment. Once you're pregnant, you'll understand." Or some version of that.
It is never a good idea to say yes simply to get people to stop pestering you and/or because you're agreeing to do something that has low odds of happening. That's unfair to yourself and to your sister. If you love your sister and you are able to feign excitement at the idea of your kid getting a cousin, sound supportive briefly and vaguely. But don't agree to anything until and unless you feel good about agreeing. Finally, if your sister keeps pressing you about this, feel free to use Miss Manners' broken-record approach by repeating, "I just can't think about it now" while patting your belly. Every. Single. Time. She. Brings. It. Up. Then go for a brief stroll to recover. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 5:27 PM on December 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
You learn that an issue that may be urgent for someone else doesn't have to be urgent for you. My maddening ex-stepmom once called to yell about my dad and demand that I make him do something. And I could say, thanks to Al-Anon, "I can tell that you are really upset about my dad's behaviour. But it's not my job to make him do X."
The fact that your sister wants to talk about this over Christmas doesn't mean that it has to be a thing. She can insist that it's a thing but you can decline to do that dance with her by setting the boundary that others have suggested. Something like, "It's an honour to be asked, but honestly, it's not possible for me and hubby to think about anything but my pregnancy at the moment. Once you're pregnant, you'll understand." Or some version of that.
It is never a good idea to say yes simply to get people to stop pestering you and/or because you're agreeing to do something that has low odds of happening. That's unfair to yourself and to your sister. If you love your sister and you are able to feign excitement at the idea of your kid getting a cousin, sound supportive briefly and vaguely. But don't agree to anything until and unless you feel good about agreeing. Finally, if your sister keeps pressing you about this, feel free to use Miss Manners' broken-record approach by repeating, "I just can't think about it now" while patting your belly. Every. Single. Time. She. Brings. It. Up. Then go for a brief stroll to recover. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 5:27 PM on December 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
I could be wrong, but I'm guessing that she's asking YOU because she wants to know that, if say, she died in a car accident when Hypothetical Child was six months old, she'd KNOW - because the legal paperwork would all be done - that your parents would NOT be able to gain custody.
If she did NOT have solid arrangements made, there's a decent chance they could - and that strikes me as very responsible thinking, not the opposite.
I have a not-great relationship with my sister, whose has four kids - a teen, twin 3-yr-olds, and an infant with some special needs. I have four teen children of my own. If something happened to her and her husband, I would absolutely, totally, be willing to step right in - no qualms whatsoever. That's REAL family - the healthy kind.
posted by stormyteal at 7:08 PM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
If she did NOT have solid arrangements made, there's a decent chance they could - and that strikes me as very responsible thinking, not the opposite.
I have a not-great relationship with my sister, whose has four kids - a teen, twin 3-yr-olds, and an infant with some special needs. I have four teen children of my own. If something happened to her and her husband, I would absolutely, totally, be willing to step right in - no qualms whatsoever. That's REAL family - the healthy kind.
posted by stormyteal at 7:08 PM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's really no need for your sister would need to figure out a guardian for her baby before she even gets pregnant...other than attention whoring to distract family from the fact that you're currently pregnant.
There's a much bigger red flag in your question, which is the discussion of your abusive parents. Are you planning to be at your abusive parents' house over the holidays? Are you planning to stay with them? Are you planning for your baby to have a relationship with them?
posted by medusa at 11:31 AM on December 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's a much bigger red flag in your question, which is the discussion of your abusive parents. Are you planning to be at your abusive parents' house over the holidays? Are you planning to stay with them? Are you planning for your baby to have a relationship with them?
posted by medusa at 11:31 AM on December 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
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"I'm so flattered you asked us, but I need some time to consider everything."
posted by Ms Vegetable at 6:09 AM on December 21, 2015 [10 favorites]